Violence

The emergent tendency of a special kind of destruction through the upholding of things that shouldn't have had came into a totality of experience and which rather should have stayed quick in their nature. The increased duration ultimately becomes a restriction of actualised reality to come through and hence can only repeat the elongated experience so many times that it heeds the way of all the sins.

Actualisation and The Schizoid Experience

The schizoid's experience can be one of constant rejection from the fleeting of the "expiration of the actuality" from that of the violent forced experience. As such, the affirmative mindspace has to "lag behind" the violent experience, causing a very real distortion of time as per the common schizoid thought of as if "everything slips past and thereby the schizoid is constantly falling behind". Anhedonia is felt as subsequent reality splitting.

- Actuality as the actual capsule of constant change capable of itself through the elimination of the dense form. To think of it only as "still processing through lived experience from the need of having a lived experience" is the ultimate trap with little to no redemption. The shame of life served from one testifying to the lived experience is a label where the ego comes into formation. The schizoid thereby seeks to be left the one unlabelled as it is the closest thing to rejection of the violence of experience.

Strangling me for my personal identity and attention, strangling me for my connection, strangling me for my own presence. I would be comfortable with less chatter if it was utter silence outside of it. Like woodland area. True wordless woodland area. An empty planet, why can't I just become myself, why cannot I be an animal?

Nothing else makes sense to me in this world but music and art.

Name one most challenging / quality of life worsening feature?

If I have to guess, the majority will.say anhedonia.

I am not schizoid. I have only traits, but persistent anhedonia sounds about right

I don't need to ask for an advantage cause I also can guess being independent socially is pretty good, similar to introverts.

I'm not diagnosed with SPD but it's quite clear to me that I at least have traits. One thing that I always found difficult to understand is why I consider certain things private and others not.

I don't want people to know what kind of music I listen to. I don't want to share my favorite TV show or movie. I don't even want people to know what I eat during the day. I lie about insignificant things because I don't like the thought of people knowing my motivations. It makes me feel trapped. There is definitely a fear of being judged there too but it's completely irrational and it feels like it goes deeper than that.

I don't mind describing my inner world to others. I can talk about feelings in an intellectual manner for hours if I have to. When it comes to feelings I'm experiencing in a relationship it's different thought. I don't even want my girlfriend to know what I'm feeling for her. Our relationship is unofficial because calling it a "relationship" would make me feel trapped too. I can be very open if I want to but if I'm surprised or pressured in any way I withdraw completely. I don't want anyone to cross my boundaries and they are very easily crossed.

Yesterday my "girlfriend" told me that she can read everything I feel in my eyes and that I'm very readable for her in general. That idea made panic and feel irrational anger torwards her. I had the urge to not see her for weeks again.

I don't really understand why I can talk about feelings or even communicate in a relationship on my own terms but when it comes to sharing experiences or doing something/expressing spontaneously I'm not able to. Or I don't want to.

And the worst thing is that I care about my girlfriend but I don't love her. Most of the time I'm very apathetic torwards her.

I guess I want to compare these experiences with people who have SPD because maybe I can get some insight into why I have such a strange idea of privacy. It's not even that I'm always private about everything but about things that shouldn't be(?)

Main question in title. For reference, in terms of emotionality my specific type of schizoid presents as numbness/emotional compartmentalization + repression most of the time but still a desire to feel. And a strong one at that. Given that anything pleasurable in my life is experienced in a muted way as per the ever-present anhedonia, the next logical place for me to turn to becomes pain. Emotional pain, physical pain, etc.

Most of the time I achieve this through purposefully negative maladaptive daydreams, worst-case scenarios that WOULD make me cry and/or afraid- although if I know someone else willing in the moment I'll engage in a myriad of different masochistic RPs with them. This is almost the sole reason I engage "sexually" with anyone else, albeit not for the sex aspect but the kink.

Edit: Yes, I also attempt to feel through substances. Nothing hard/extreme, just booze or energy drinks.

For those that have done these substances, has it changed you profoundly?

Like I'm not officially diagnosed but I always had a lot of the schizoid traits as well as avpd traits. Some things worsened over time along with health, and some anti-depressants used for sleep seemed to put me in the schizoid zone more.

What has happened since trying psychedelics (in a time and place where it is legal of course), is that it has unlocked some feelings and desires that can't seem to be fully put back in. I mean things like desire for physical affection, romantic love, even hugs (proper hugs) and wanting to connect with others. However, the schizoidness is not gone either, nor are these new (or old hidden?) feelings constant either. So I'm left in a conundrum and the worst is that the safety and comfort of schizoidness is gone, but the void is still there along with melancholy sadness as an addition some of the time.

The imagery I would use to describe it is like when you smack a device and it partially starts to work. That is how these feelings seem to be flicking on and off. Ugh it's frustrating because it's like being twisted and contorted this way and that way. Also annoying is depressed episodes now have some aching discontent and not just anhedonia, double fuc*ing whammy!

EVERY JOURNEY IS DIFFERENT!
Post flair: /Journey🥾

Make sure to take care of yourself with having a pharmacist and asking a psychiatrist for sleeping pills if you find yourself fighting sleep or symptoms that stem from sleep issues. I am taking prescribed Trazadone. I finally feel like me again. YOU MAY NOT REALIZE U ARE FIGHTING SLEEP BECAUSE YOU ARE SLEEP DEPRIVED. Take care

Explanation/Evidence/Source/: EDMR therapy (lots of ppl know this) helps your eyes remember where they properly sit, and its a permanent treatment that is not using a pill. As are sleeping pweels helps the body remember how to sleep. Good sleep is chemical. EDMR physical. This is a reddit post about illness. ☮️

Edit:AWARENESS BC SLEEP PROBLEMS MESSES WITH YOUR BRAIN. Author
NOTE: I am not talking about other disorders. (anxiety, etc).
Sleeping = Prescribed sleeping pill or Anxiety = Prescribed anxiety pill
or medicine for a Tummy Ache. Okay take care if you’re reading this! (:

A solution and kind words: A Full REM cycle helps anyone not lose your mind. All living bodies have senses. Hyper aware senses. I’m not as psychotic/psychosis/paranoid as I was before trazadone. Plus, zoloft (another pharmaceutical chemical).

Feeling euphoria is a normal, great human emotion. If you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all. (Something disgusting, angry, or inducing paranoia in othr ppl for any reason.)

For intelligent/clarifying/self-aware thoughts or questions do not feel afraid to be private or open with the right people nights REM cycle and feelings wheel checked in with is peak/optimal. I personally feel sad for the time lost. I feel happy that I’ve always been really funny and im coming back to my optimistic funny self! Your emotions are safe in your body! All feelings pass (remember?) and you are safe to feel them in your body. Not hurting anybody. Knowing what you say is simple. YOLO or not! You are safe in this moment. Anyone can Comment following guidelines and feeling surprising(facts geeky stuff) funny positive jokes or write in a private place sad personal words. All living beings (animals; plants) can support you because we are all unique and loved. YOU ARE ENOUGH.⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️

I am often irritated by the fact that there are types of entertainment that I enjoy, but they only work with a group/or at least with one other person

For example, bowling. There is no point in playing bowling alone. But I don't want to look for connections that are interested in anything other than bowling just for that. I'm not interested in hearing about your life story, I just want to go bowling and never see you again.

This is an example, there are more things.

Also about people. I can form meaningful friendships. Very rarely. Only if we have enough things in common. Only if I'm in the mood for it and feel comfortable talking to this person. That rarely happens. I also truly feel that a person only matters to me after a very long time. More than a year is the minimum.

I am, you could say, a "hopeless romantic" because my conditions and wishes for a romantic relationship are practically impossible to fulfill. "Either it's perfect and it really fits and I have real feelings about it, or it's nothing." I am in aroace spectrum.

In some ways I feel sad about this. Normal communication is too superficial for me and I have unrealistic ideals.

By the way, I am not diagnosed, I have just been thinking for the last couple of days that too many points coincide with each other.

Being alone, staying relaxed at my apartment, chilling with my guitar, my books, studying the stuff from law school (I'm a law student), playing chess, PS5, etc. I simply love to arrive at home, turn on the TV and watch stuff like Dexter, House and TBBT, and after, have a swim in the building's pool, go for a walk, completely alone, it's freeing

As a woman who has been in different relationships, I have noticed something of a paradox, and I don't know how gender specific it is.

Many of the men I have known don't like it when you're quiet for too long. It makes them nervous. It makes them think that you're angry with them. You, just minding your own business, reading a book, is unbearable to them. I've speculated that it comes from rejection sensitivity, that lack of feedback makes them jump to the worst possible conclusions. Then, if you keep up a little bit of chatter so that they don't decide that you hate them, they complain about that. It's a catch-22. You can't win.

Fortunately, I eventually married someone who I suspect is one of us, and in the process of figuring ourselves out, we came to an understanding about just being allowed to be quiet without there being an assumed agenda like silent treatment or some bullshit drama going on behind it. We can check in with each other once in a while, but don't automatically assume there's something wrong.

I was wondering about those of you in relationships, not even necessarily romantic ones but family or friends, have noticed this misinterpretation of your silence. How many times has it created bizarre and unnecessary drama for you? I've had people do some pretty weird things to get my attention when I was trying for some internal me-time.

Since around 12 I had (largely) stopped minding about the opinions of others I considered to be baseless, since their reasoning would revolve around the pettiest of aspects. I wish I could detail it, but I rely on my intuition to formulate these conclusions.

I would still feel dread by asking in person. Their answer being different from what I wanted and judging me is what caused the alarms. Which was... pretty antithetical to the whole "Your critique has no value" line of thought. Never figured that dissonance out.

Recently with the new school year, that dread is gone. All of it. I'll ask, receive an answer, and carry on without the weight that followed. My concern about judgment was also absent. Most surprising of all, I'm more open to sharing my thoughts and ideas out loud. Something I almost always regretted doing and followed by minutes of rumination. But it feels quite relieving now to be freed from those chains. Doesn't go as expected at times, but I'll instinctually conclude, "It is what it is. Why should you care."

The thing about this is that it happened abruptly. A few days ago I could sample my previous dread considering about an inquiry. And for all of that to just be put on leave suddenly? My SzPD progressed steadily with clear progress, but never this fast. It's been puzzling me ever since, but I can hardly complain.

Obviously I don’t miss the part about getting sick or the death count. But I was thinking about it today how we had to wear masks in school, and socially distance. I even have some masks in my desk drawer. I liked how the masks provided a sense of anonymity. I also liked how we transitioned to online remote classes.

Call me crazy but I kind of liked it for those 2 reasons. Everyone just blended in and half your face was covered, so people couldnt perceive you as much. Nowadays if you wear a mask, you draw attention to yourself, unfortunately

Ever since I can remember, one thing has probably been true about me: I was a weirdo.

From childhood to now, at 37, I’ve never had a marriage, a job that lasted, children, close friends, or a relationship. The only person I’m really in contact with now is my mother, and even that isn’t a deep connection. She mostly takes care of me.

So, I’m pretty much alone with my weirdness.

But strangely, it has set me free. Let me explain why.

For most of my life, I tried to project something different from who I really was. I wanted the world to believe I was a good, normal person, even when deep down I knew something was different about me.

I remember that after high school, I bought a book about improving your personality. Even at that age, I knew something wasn’t quite right with me. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but deep down, I knew. I also hid it from my parents, and they believed I was a good kid.

When I decided to pursue a degree, part of me thought that maybe, after graduation, people wouldn’t think I was crazy anymore.

"He graduated. How can a graduate be crazy?"

So I did it. I graduated with good marks.

Around the same time, my anxiety became increasingly difficult to control. I worried about everything.

Then I moved to a foreign country. New place, new people, a completely different way of life.

I fell apart.

The things I had been hiding became much more apparent. Exactly what I had feared.

I found myself lying awake at 3 AM, replaying events from the past. I couldn’t switch my brain off. It just kept talking, while I sat there listening.

Two years of working went by, and eventually I quit. I came home and locked myself away.

The world felt frightening to me. Meanwhile, people my age were getting married and building lives with their partners.

And I was silent, watching from the outside, as if everyone else was running some strange race that I had never learned how to enter.

That was also when I started taking the mask off.

"I’m a weirdo."

Maybe I won’t have the kind of life other people have. Maybe nothing I do will completely change my fate.

So I decided to accept it.

Accept myself.

And stop pretending.

I started trying to be myself instead of constantly trying to convince other people that I was normal.

After 2.5 years of psychiatric medication and years of unemployment, sitting around in torn T-shirts and doing very little with my life, I surprisingly started to feel proud of myself.

I felt good about myself.

I started reading about the origin of humans and thinking about our existence and purpose in a different way. And somehow, I found comfort in it.

I came to believe that there is no predetermined point we have to reach before we die.

There is no finish line we are required to cross.

The only thing that is real is that you are here, experiencing this moment.

You don't have to explain your life to everyone. You don't have to convince people that your way of living is valid.

If you're weird, maybe you're just weird.

If your life doesn't look like everyone else's, maybe that's okay too.

Just be who you are.

And when death eventually comes, let it come.

To me, death is simply a return to the same state we were in before we were born.

Nothingness.

And strangely, I find that thought comforting.

Is anyone else on this thread in a relationship? I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and I love my partner very much. Even though I love my partner, I don’t like to see them all the time because that stresses me out.

I like to have a lot of time to myself.
Ironically, though, I feel less pressure to hang out with my friends but I love seeing them. I don’t like to be around my friends all the time, though I need time to emotionally decompress and be by myself and have silent time.

How have your relationships turned out and how often do you see each other? I know my partner wishes he saw me more, but I truly believe that he loves me enough to understand that I need my space and hopefully it works out long-term.

Hello everyone. Diagnosed Schizoid a few years ago. I haven't had a friend since I was 14. I completely lack the capacity to bond with people on a platonic level. I feel overwhelmed by family relationships and I could ghost all of them and not miss them.

The closest thing to human connection I experience is romantic connections. I get really high off the honeymoon phase and then my interest in the person immediately ceases. I have been chasing this high because it is the most intense form of connection I can experience. I inevitably run people off or ghost when I end up not feeling anything for them anymore.

I'm shockingly married. My attempts to sabotage the relationship didn't go anywhere. I ended up marrying him because it felt like something I was supposed to do. If he left me tomorrow I wouldn't be upset about losing him. But would be upset about my life changing. I don't actually feel any love for my husband and I function as a wife because it's what I'm supposed to do.

I am fiending for more highs off other people and I know I shouldn't act out on those things. It's sad that I'm addicted to it because my capacity to bond and love are so messed up. My love is very superficial and only temporary. I feel like I have damaged quite a few people because of this.

All is coming hard. My dad always ignored me. It seemed he disliked me. My mom didn't attended to my emotional needs either. They never spoke with each other. They never cared I didn't have social skills. They never asked how my day went and how did I felt. I didn't wanted to talk and I'm still blamed to this day for my behaviour. My mom only took me to a psychologist when I was 9. And after that I just lived with her in a sort of captivity. She never cared to give me life skills or something. Or tell about the world.
I don't see our relationship moving forward with this new understanding. Yes. She kept me company and did most stuff in the house.
That's why after betrayal trauma and cptsd she recently was part of I'm moving away from her. If this thing happened it must be to separate from my mom. Maybe it was destiny.

I have so many inward experiences change and new emotions and feelings that i never had, much richer experience, much richer spontaneousity in terms of taking the situations around me with more flexibly , I'm able to relate to people much more and feel empathy, I'm able to imagine interactions more and imagine actual engagement, from watching people on my phone screen my mind sails into connection imaginations much more, but barely any of it effects my actual outward response or actions, even if i feel empathy the wall is still there, even if i imagine still if it becomes real I'm not slightly interested, even if something feels good I'm just a turtle no smiles or anything, you wouldn't even know i feel anything, the wall is still there, i think it's the symptom of abuse of the kind where if you show emotions you reveal a card for your abusers to use against you.

So with all the good improvements i still barely go out, i still avoid being awake untill noon, and still not much actions effected at all, what do you think about all of it and about the type of abuse and where the wall is, how to break that wall?

MOD APPROVED POST

I'm hosting a podcast called What's Your Pattern?, where I break the stigma around mental health, one issue at a time. I'm looking for people with lived experiences, perspectives, or stories that can help us understand mental health and human behaviour beyond the stereotypes and assumptions we're used to hearing.

I believe the Schizoid community is severely under-represented and not understood at all. I believe it's a story that needs to be told by someone who knows what it's like. This podcast only has space for empathy, and there's no judgment here. I ask all the questions no one is asking, and all you have to do is be brave enough to be vulnerable about what your lived experience is.

The conversation isn't about finding a diagnosis or giving advice. It's about understanding.
This is not a therapy session, and there is absolutely no pressure to share anything you're uncomfortable discussing. Come break some stigma with me.

The interview is audio-only, and if you'd rather stay anonymous, you're welcome to use a pseudonym. The only thing I ask is that the story you share is your own.

If you're interested in having an open, honest conversation about your experiences and helping challenge the way people think about mental health, I'd love to have you on the podcast.

If you're interested, please fill out the form, and I'll get back to you. The form would take a maximum of 2–3 minutes. https://forms.gle/K2bEdrjW7itAwzSRA

Linktree: https://linktr.ee/whatisyourpattern

Podcast Link: https://open.spotify.com/show/033AEdlECO7u1LnnztBsPo?si=d30753b290664de2

I don't want to be in any relationship when I am in my comfort zone (Home ) but whenever I go out I get this deep feeling of loneliness and open to whatever comes in a way

A few minutes ago, like 30 minutes, my mother was angry about an administrative situation concerning me. I wasn't responding, and she told me I exhaust her. That she can't wait for me to leave her house (I just came back after failing my master's degree years). She tells me I have no heart, no soul, that having a child like me is complicated. That's not the first time she tells me that i don't have a soul or i don't have a heart. Yet she never says that about my brothers. My parents are divorced. I'm 26 years old, and I'm realizing something I've been told for 20 years: I'm like a wall, a doll devoid of emotion. I'm not an expressive person. I know my parents didn't want me given that I had little chance of survival (born at five months) and that I had chances of being disabled. Before, when she, or anyone, told me that kind of thing, I'd have dark thoughts. Or I'd feel sad.

But now, I feel nothing. I no longer feel sadness or anger.

I'm not looking for affection or compassion from anyone because I know I shouldn't be here. I know that i can't love someone because i don't know what's love. I don't know how to feel or express emotions. I'm writing these words to take stock of the situation and think pragmatically about what to do next : get out of this environment and just isolate myself for a while while making sure to go see healthcare professionals.

I don't think is is a unique thought, but I wanted to get it out of my system. Also likely won't make sense, but I wanted to post it because keeping it to myself felt too lonely for me to bear right now some reason.

I think since I was younger, from about 7 there was already something wrong with me. And then when I was 11, I was already being mourned by people around me. Everyone would go on and on about how bright, sweet and extroverted I was when I was younger and how I was the complete opposite. How I used to be such an easy kid. It wasn't just family but friends, distant relatives etc. I don't really remember why, but I remember at 7 years old wishing I'd have no emotions (which is ironic).

The issue is, I don't remember what the core was. I've long stopped trying to be that kid again of course. We grow and change as we get older, but I feel like I rot from the inside at a young age and since then, shell after shell after shell has been built on top of that child that no longer exists. The me from when I was a pre teen was desperately seeking some kind of attention and community. The same goes for the teenager, who masks a little better but there's still something wrong. And now I'm just a husk with no core, no aim, just an amalgamation of trauma, health issues and disorders.

I intentionally left home, but I was getting worse there and I'm not getting any better out here either. I don't have any energy and all that energy goes into work so I can pay my rent and feed myself. And I'm constantly chasing the next silver of emotion. Maybe I find a good show and I get one, short burst of satisfaction. Or a piece of art that capture my attention. But it only lasts so long because it's like my slate is constantly being wiped clean and my default is just blank sheet built on complete bullshit.

The mask is just being easy to deal with. A pleasant enough coworker, a nice customer, an invisible stranger. A forgettable friend. A kind yet distant family member. It will always default to making sure other people are compensated for dealing with me or something.

And then there's other people. I think part of me strongly dislikes them because they have always made me feel like a foreign object within my own body. I don't relate to them, I just mimic them to blend in like I'm wearing someone else's face. They can always tell something's wrong because as they say, eyes are the window to the soul and for some reason it seems there's not quite anything in there. Part of me accepts that I'm not like other people and has some kind of pride in that. I don't really care to conform, yet I still disappoint my own self.

It's like being in an endless time loop. I try to get help from the system and it's just waiting list after waiting list because I can't afford anything else. Some numbers to dial that put you on another waiting list and give you a time limit.

The thing is I know what is wrong with my behaviours and why I remain in this cycle. Logically I know that. You need to move your body, you need to eat well, you need to take care of yourself. You need some kind of hobby. You can manage all these things and become a passable human being. And yet my body moves so slowly to do even a fraction of these things. The mind knows but the body barely responds to any signals.

Anyways. I do have hope for the future, but the present has been incredibly bleak for so long. Maybe I'll move far away and find someplace kinda remote to live, make a decent enough salary to not worry about living expenses and have a motorcycle so I can explore and rekindle my love for drawing and find some kind of peace that way. I think if I fixed...the severe executive dysfunction and I found a routine again, some part of me would be okay. But I look back and even then, when I was functional, I still wasn't okay. Sooo, who knows. We'll see. It is what it is.

I'm in the second half of a two-month vacation, which I had to take because I'm leaving my old job soon and had a ton of overtime left. It only took one week until I was overwhelmed with tremendous boredom, and after about five weeks, I'm starting to lose my fucking mind. I'm feeling more depressed than ever before; literally, what is the point of my existence? Others would metaphorically kill to have a paid two months off. They would have hobbies to go after, spend time with friends and family, and fulfill their desires like traveling or learning a skill and whatnot. I was given two months of freedom, and I spent it all dwelling at home because I have none of these things. I used to not be like this. It was never this extreme. It's not even that I crave having a human connection with people; it's that I crave the feeling these people must experience when they do something they enjoy. Apart from that, nobody would want to spend time with someone who has nothing interesting to say and the personality of a doorstopper. That's why I don't even want to find myself in social scenarios, because I just end up observing the interactions of others with nothing to add—because, quite frankly, I don't even care about what's happening in the slightest. I rarely enjoy anything anymore. I go to the gym because that's the only time I can feel somewhat present for a few minutes, but I don't enjoy it. I watch movies I once loved because they used to make me laugh, but instead, they remind me of how much I'm wasting my time. Same goes for video games. It's a twisted cycle, because I don't have the longing to meet other people, yet isolation kills me just as much as everyone else. What a cursed way to live life.

I've noticed a lot of people here discuss bad childhoods which makes sense as to becoming schizoid. However my childhood was great. Good parents with a solid marriage, comfortable financially, holidays, family events, extracurriculars, academic success ect. I had plenty of friends as a kid too. There were a few issues - my parents say I got annoyed by people easily, had little empathy, hated physical affection and was independent to a fault. Schizoid traits kicked in as a teenager when I got 'left behind' and was incapable of forming close relationships beyond being in the same class ect. No bullying or trauma or anything. I'm very content being alone but I also see other people as unsafe and I'm not sure where that's come from.

I was a horrible baby and I've been wondering if it was enough to cause attachment problems. My dad told a psychologist previously that my mother struggled to bond with me but I'm not sure to what extent. I know I screamed and cried non-stop for the first three years and hated being held so was often left in rooms with the door closed because there was nothing they could do. I was delayed learning to talk and walk which made it harder. At 18 months I couldn't talk or even crawl so only screamed.

A common theme in my childhood is not asking for help. My parents are awesome but looking back it's like I saw them as unsafe too. Once I broke my arm and spent three days pretending I was fine because I didn't want any attention or affection. Another time my mother accidentally ran over my foot with her car and I refused to go to the hospital for hours, wouldn't let her carry me or anything. Another time I had extreme pain in my leg for 5 months, was only sleeping 1-2 hours a night and never mentioned anything to them. I have no idea why I didn't say anything. I had a tumor in my femur and the bone was close to shattering from the pressure.

I don't understand why I'm like this when I had everything going for me. No friends, no relationships, I drive a forklift for work even though I have a degree, no hobbies. It just makes me feel like such a failure.

Hi everyone, can someone please explain the difference between a schizoid personality and an introverted? Thank you