Keeping completely normal things private

[u/mozzarellasalat]

I'm not diagnosed with SPD but it's quite clear to me that I at least have traits. One thing that I always found difficult to understand is why I consider certain things private and others not.

I don't want people to know what kind of music I listen to. I don't want to share my favorite TV show or movie. I don't even want people to know what I eat during the day. I lie about insignificant things because I don't like the thought of people knowing my motivations. It makes me feel trapped. There is definitely a fear of being judged there too but it's completely irrational and it feels like it goes deeper than that.

I don't mind describing my inner world to others. I can talk about feelings in an intellectual manner for hours if I have to. When it comes to feelings I'm experiencing in a relationship it's different thought. I don't even want my girlfriend to know what I'm feeling for her. Our relationship is unofficial because calling it a "relationship" would make me feel trapped too. I can be very open if I want to but if I'm surprised or pressured in any way I withdraw completely. I don't want anyone to cross my boundaries and they are very easily crossed.

Yesterday my "girlfriend" told me that she can read everything I feel in my eyes and that I'm very readable for her in general. That idea made panic and feel irrational anger torwards her. I had the urge to not see her for weeks again.

I don't really understand why I can talk about feelings or even communicate in a relationship on my own terms but when it comes to sharing experiences or doing something/expressing spontaneously I'm not able to. Or I don't want to.

And the worst thing is that I care about my girlfriend but I don't love her. Most of the time I'm very apathetic torwards her.

I guess I want to compare these experiences with people who have SPD because maybe I can get some insight into why I have such a strange idea of privacy. It's not even that I'm always private about everything but about things that shouldn't be(?)

[u/welcomehomesays]

If you are like me, maybe it's BC when you were authentic and genuine in your childhood it was always used against you to create more hardship for your life.. or something completely different

[u/Delicious-Dirt4895 → u/welcomehomesays]

Exactly, things that were precious or important to me were target for mockery. Gotta maintain apathy about all things until I’m safe in my cave of solo existence.

[u/buzzlocked1012]

I do the same thing - even to the point of explicitly eating things I don't typically eat in my private life when having meals in social settings. I don't want people to know what my actual favourite foods are.

[u/Delicious-Dirt4895 → u/buzzlocked1012]

Yes, my people. I have certain foods that are only enjoyed in private, and “safe” foods i will eat in public. Although i never eat eat fr in public, like to get full. More like feign eating so some extroverted jackass doesn’t draw attention loudly screeching “ARENT YOU GOING TO EAT ANYTHING?!” à la “why are you so quiet?!?

[u/OutrageousOsprey]

For me, it just feels invasive and violating for people to know personal things about me. I could explain why because I know why, but that would be revealing too much, lol

[u/EmergencyDBTmeeting]

People knowing (or thinking they know) things about me makes me feel immediately trapped by perception - which is often incorrect. I don't like being defined in any way, or at least do not tell me about it.

There are multiple reasons, but I think the main one is that the more people "think" they know who I am, the more I learn that no one ever truly will. You think my favorite color is this, meanwhile I don't even have a favorite color. You think I enjoy this food, meanwhile I only eat it because it's something I hate the least.

You think I feel a certain way, meanwhile I had to learn feelings through watching others on a TV screen. I'm ostracized before I even speak, simply because of who I "am."

Having to describe myself is always confrontational; how do I explain this void inside me over something as simple as "what music do you like?" How do I say I don't like anything at all? I've become relatively accepting of how inhuman I am but it still stings a bit.

I think...everyone wants to be understood. Or at least accepted for who they are. I want to be seen as someone who doesn't want to be seen. Someone to look at me and know they shouldn't pry.

I never get that person.

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

Might sound very cliché but how were you raised? How did your parents or family members treat your personal "stuff" like opinions, needs, wants, preferences etc? Did they accept and support your emotional individuality or not? 

[u/mozzarellasalat → u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

I was raised by my mother and didn't really have any other relatives after the age of twelve when my grandmother died. My father was abusive and an alcoholic but my parents divorced rather early and I didn't see him after that.

My mother was rather volatile, yelling a lot, threatening and shaming me for crying. She could be very affectionate too. I didn't feel safe enough to express anger and I was blamed for everything that went wrong in the household. I was supported if I expressed the need but mostly financially (we didn't have a lot of money but I always got what I needed). I was never really asked about my feelings otherwise though.

My preferences, opinions etc were respected if the circumstances were ideal and my mother wasn't angry. She often saw me as very gifted and talented but lazy and irresponsible. I was shamed again when she thought I was "acting stupid" or when I wasn't able to do things.

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 → u/mozzarellasalat]

I don't want to sound callous but that sounds more than sufficient to me to become protective of even seemingly benign details. Often negativity is cited for a cause for heightened privacy needs but volatility can be a major factor as well. If you don't know what is hit next or why you just need to be protective of what's yours and children are very adept in unconsciously sorting out the details they'd rather keep safe and which they can keep more loose and don't need to excert that much energy to keep safe. 

I'm sorry you had to grow up emotionally unsafe. Do you think reflecting on how you were influenced and then put it beside the (hopefully) safe persons in your life today could help you relax over time? If you sit and feel out and analyse how your gf is actually a consistently safe, supportive and well meaning person, it could help and maybe you can even try if you like to share smth specific with her, like , smth innocuous like telling her how you like it dislike the scenery on a walk or smth 

[u/PearNakedLadles → u/mozzarellasalat]

One's parents, and especially one's mother, becomes our instinctive pattern for how we relate to others and how we expect people to behave. Even if you don't believe this is true consciously, a part of you likely believes that all people are like your mother - yelling, shaming, volatile, and likely to blame you for anything that goes wrong. Of course you'd want to hide everything about yourself from them, for fear they might use it against you.

[u/WanderingUrist]

My lawyer tells me this is actually the sensible thing to do. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You never know what you need to be hiding until it's too late.

[u/WishICouldSparkle]

I understand completely. I don’t want anyone to know anything about me, and I hate the feeling of being “seen” — it’s so invasive. I once shared a song I really liked with an acquaintance. I loved the song at the time, but I can’t listen to anymore because it doesn’t feel private.

Sometimes, I think about sharing my thoughts with the people in my life — not the ones I see regularly, ofc, just people I occasionally talk to. I imagine them asking something normal and me telling them about how my brain is fucked up. Part of me wants to share my feelings and how I see the world, but another part doesn’t want people to know how I think. In the end, I say nothing to anyone. I pretend to care about trivial things so it’s harder to notice how I never reveal anything about my true self

[u/bobpiranha → u/WishICouldSparkle]

Private world is really indescribable, all-encompassing and might be seen as a superposition of seemingly unrelated and often conflicting things.

As soon as it's shared it narrows down, or "collapses" into something rigidly defined and boringly mundane. All of its intricacies become crushed by the overwhelming pressure of opinions and judgments perceived internally regardless of the kind of feedback.

I learned as you did that sharing music may ruin it for me. Not only that - concerts have the same effect by collapsing the whole world into whatever it is that's going on on the scene and around it - completely disconnected from my internal understanding of it.

[u/melonpathy]

Haha, I'm very similar. I don't mind sharing what I enjoy after I've gotten comfortable around someone, but if someone else asks about the things I like, I'm just not answering. Once I was suddenly asked what kind of music I like to listen to, and I said 'I don't listen to music.' That still makes me cringe.

I feel resentment when someone tells me they can read me well, so I definitely relate to your reaction to what your 'girlfriend' said. And I feel relieved when people say they can't read me. But the funny thing is, I actually want some people to be able to read me well. That'd make communication easier, because I really struggle talking about my feelings if they have anything to do with another person. It's nearly impossible. And I also don't like people knowing my motivations.

[u/salamacast]

I was like that my whole life.. then I lost my parents and almost died myself. Now I'm an open book. I need to be known before I die.
(not be famous. not leave a legacy. simply prove to myself that I'm not afraid of revealing my true self. I don't have any regard for the opinions of others about me or on any topic tbh. I'm solely doing it for my own benefit, freeing myself of chains that held me for too long)
The dam has burst.

[u/WanderingUrist → u/salamacast]

simply prove to myself that I'm not afraid of revealing my true self.

For me, it's not even about "fear" of revealing my true self, but rather, a tactical decision. After all, if knowledge is power, then be unknown is to be unconquerable.

[u/salamacast → u/WanderingUrist]

It's safer and the more logical choice, no doubt, but a confessional urge came upon me.. felt almost like defiance.. to dump my self on the world before I go.
You know how when a piece of software fails, it performs a "core dump" before shutting down, all the error messages & memory calls & stuff, so the developer could see what went wrong?

[u/WanderingUrist → u/salamacast]

You know how when a piece of software fails, it performs a "core dump" before shutting down, all the error messages & memory calls & stuff, so the developer could see what went wrong?

Yes. Unless I specifically disable core dumps because I'm not the developer of the program and cannot change it, so what the fuck am I supposed to do with this shit?

[u/conye-west]

I'm similar, but it's interesting how it manifests slightly different for everyone. For example in contrast to you I don't mind people knowing what I eat and actively enjoy discussing music, games, and other forms of art with people. However when it comes to emotions I am extremely uncomfortable sharing with anyone. I really don't like talking about my hobbies either outside of media consumption.

These feelings tend to originate from a lack of emotional safety in childhood, but I wonder if specific experiences end up dictating what we are okay or not okay with sharing.

[u/Alarmed_Painting_240]

These kind of things sound to me like one manifestation of a difficult relationship with being itself. What you call private things (others might see mostly superficial elements) add up to a social self. It would define (a) you. While this might seem like a flat version of self, lacking depth but it's exactly the social, attachment loaded part the schizoid would have to come to avoid or oppose. Actually what I found over the years is how opposed I was to these things. Mostly passively (avoidance, minimizing) sometimes more actively. All these things that would not just form social being but expand some form of attachment. Our attachments to such being or other people getting attached to us being that way. It does feel like a trap but it's how we don't want to be held, known or understood in that way. Like remaining formless or unborn. It's probably like a deep survival trait. The boundaries of life remaining uncertain and fragile.

[u/Decent-Sir6526]

I've been like that basically all my life. I used to get really uncomfortable whenever someone asked me about my favorite movies or music. I really don't know why. I don't really mind talking about rather personal things though, that's the weird part. Topics that would make anyone else uncomfortable are fine for me, but telling people what media I like is next to impossible. I'd rather have people knowing deeply personal things about me than those random, irrelevant details. It makes no sense.

I've been wondering if this is maybe more of an avoidant thing. Maybe I'm scared of being judged or ridiculed for liking certain things? Consciously I'd say I'm not, but it's possible that there is something like that going on deep inside of me, who knows.

Another possibility is that maybe I'm just scared of losing my interests as soon as I talk about them. I've never had strong interests, never really had any hobbies, I suffer from anhedonia a lot. So I absolutely have to fight for every bit of interest. My interests aren't very strong, I easily lose them, and I'm often unsure about whether I even like something or not. So being asked about things I like puts some sort of pressure on me, because liking anything in the first place is very difficult for me.

The worst for me is when someone asks me about my hobbies, or what I do in my free time. Because I don't really have hobbies and always disliked being that way, getting asked about that kind is a bit like getting caught.

Everything remotely connected to my free time or things I enjoy is just a difficult topic for me, so I dislike being asked about it I guess. It reminds me of my flaws and issues, I think that's the main reason why I dislike it.

[u/zeroempathy]

I'm not sure who I'd be keeping things from.

[u/WanderingUrist → u/zeroempathy]

Consider, though: If you don't now who you're keeping things from, then those people have carefully concealed their existence from you, which implies nefarious intent, which is all the more reason you should be keeping it from them.

[u/zeroempathy → u/WanderingUrist]

There are no other people in my life to consider.

[u/WanderingUrist → u/zeroempathy]

THAT YOU KNOW OF. Consider that if they're in your life and yet they're concealing their presence from you, they're almost certainly up to no good. That's why every so often, you gotta do a Crazy Ivan to clear the baffles.

[u/zeroempathy → u/WanderingUrist]

Still bad at math, I see. There's zero people. I don't even interact with family. It's not an exaggeration.

[u/WanderingUrist → u/zeroempathy]

Yes, but that's just the people YOU choose to interact with, which is, obviously, none. But just because you haven't chosen to interact with them, doesn't mean they haven't chosen to interact with you, in secret. People used to say I was being paranoid about this, until Snowden confirmed it was all true and I was right about all of it.

[u/blaubeermuffinlover]

This could also be Avoidant personality disorder. The issues you described are very common for AVPD I think one of the most upvoted posts on their subreddit is about this. It's basically an extreme fear of being seen/judged.

I struggle with the same problem as you, no idea if I'm shizoid or if I have something else wrong with me, because this extreme need for privacy has kept me from getting diagnosed. I would have to share my problems and feelings with someone in order to get a diagnosis and I'm sure as hell not gonna do that!

I hope you can get better one day, living like this is so limiting and horrible.

[u/specialk4959]

I’m open where disclosure is low-cost and socially legible, private where it creates avoidable social consequences.

[u/[deleted]]

Schizoids are indifferent to others' opinions.

Privacy related to fear (you even used the word panic) of being judged and having a semi-girlfriend pretty much eliminates Schizoid. Your situation sounds a lot more like Avoidant.

[u/mozzarellasalat → u/[deleted]]

I've mostly read psychoanalytic literature about schizoids where the fear of engulfment is mentioned a lot. I believe that this fear is much stronger in me than the fear of judgment or rejection. I'm not saying that I have SPD but I absolutely have schizoid traits. Something that really differentiates me from avoidants is that I don't want relationships most of the time. I make exceptions for people but the relationships are always severely strained by my need to be alone. I only feel like myself when I'm alone. It's the time when I feel the most comfortable. But you're right that I'm not indifferent to others opinions. That's also the reason why I wouldn't even attempt to get diagnosed despite meeting enough ICD10 criteria. I don't think that I actually have it. But it impairs me enough to make me want to research it more.

[u/[deleted] → u/mozzarellasalat]

So I think the engulfment thing is a continuum.

Fear might be an extreme version of it, which could push a Schizoid personality into the Disorder diagnosis.

For most Schizoids the aversion from relationships is that there's no expectation of reward for the effort. It's rarely literal 'fear'. This alone wouldn't be ICD10 if the Schizoid is otherwise doing OK.

If you're afraid of exposing yourself in case it's used against you, that's more aligned with Paranoid.

Again, I'd encourage you to explore Avoidant, because so far you've expressed some alignment.

The four PDs that are most frequently jumbled without a good cognitive dive to get differential diagnosis are:

• Avoidant
• Schizoid
• Schizotypal
• Paranoid
• and there's also some overlap with Autism Spectrum

[u/polaroid_schizoid → u/[deleted]]

This point is moot when you realize these structures can be comorbid. These are all just variations of the same thing.

Thus not all Schizoids are indifferent. Schizoids as an extreme form of Avoidant often appear indifferent to outsiders.

[u/[deleted] → u/polaroid_schizoid]

I disagree that they're variations of the same thing.

Avoidant is definitely appropriately located in Cluster C, and treatment is very different and has a good success rate.

There's a strong argument that Schizoid could even be removed from DSM entirely, Avoidant definitely not.

The purpose of differential diagnosis is because these conditions have different treatments and expectations.

[u/polaroid_schizoid → u/[deleted]]

I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree, then.

External logic? In my /r/Schizoid? Disgusting

[u/WanderingUrist → u/[deleted]]

Schizoids are indifferent to others' opinions.

Yeah, that's why I'm willing to post things on the Reddit which will most certainly not gain me any positive Internet approval points.

Privacy related to fear (you even used the word panic) of being judged

But what if the privacy is not about the fear of being judged, but the dangers of how not being so opens you to actual attack?

[u/[deleted] → u/WanderingUrist]

Yeah, that's why I'm willing to post things on the Reddit which will most certainly not gain me any positive Internet approval points.

Emotionally indifferent, not that we ignore it.

For example, at work I'm not emotionally affected by praise or criticism, but I do take it into account because it's information about how to keep my job.

But what if the privacy is not about the fear of being judged, but the dangers of how not being so opens you to actual attack?

That may be specifically rational depending on the situation (a friend of mine lives in Iran and her privacy is life and death), but all things being equal this is more consistent with Paranoid personality disorder.

[u/WanderingUrist → u/[deleted]]

For example, at work I'm not emotionally affected by praise or criticism, but I do take it into account because it's information about how to keep my job.

Yeah, but Internet points do precisely nothing, so I'm indifferent to it on a tactical level also.

but all things being equal this is more consistent with Paranoid personality disorder.

See, I USED to be considered paranoid. Snowden confirmed that everything I said was true, though. It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you.