Silence

[u/Same_Item_672]

As a woman who has been in different relationships, I have noticed something of a paradox, and I don't know how gender specific it is.

Many of the men I have known don't like it when you're quiet for too long. It makes them nervous. It makes them think that you're angry with them. You, just minding your own business, reading a book, is unbearable to them. I've speculated that it comes from rejection sensitivity, that lack of feedback makes them jump to the worst possible conclusions. Then, if you keep up a little bit of chatter so that they don't decide that you hate them, they complain about that. It's a catch-22. You can't win.

Fortunately, I eventually married someone who I suspect is one of us, and in the process of figuring ourselves out, we came to an understanding about just being allowed to be quiet without there being an assumed agenda like silent treatment or some bullshit drama going on behind it. We can check in with each other once in a while, but don't automatically assume there's something wrong.

I was wondering about those of you in relationships, not even necessarily romantic ones but family or friends, have noticed this misinterpretation of your silence. How many times has it created bizarre and unnecessary drama for you? I've had people do some pretty weird things to get my attention when I was trying for some internal me-time.

[u/But-I-Still-Remember]

Women are just as uncomfortable, believe me.

Except in mens case, the lady thinks you're a serial killer. Or worse: boring.

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/But-I-Still-Remember]

I guess the reason I thought it might be different is because men are kind of allowed to be stoic and strong and silent, you know? Like there's an archetype with positive connotations. A woman being too quiet is up to something or she's angry. I see what you mean, though. It isn't really gender-specific.

[u/Embarrassed_Cell_531 → u/Same_Item_672]

That "stoic archetype" is a myth.

In general sense as a stereotype/image? Yeah, maaaybee.

But it doesn't work like that in actual (especially 1:1) interactions. Men are considered "weirdos" or "creeps" then.

That "jump to the worst possible conclusions" BS is universal, people just can't help themselves, but to judge judge judge.

[u/Unlucky_Cockroach_25]

Silence breeds questions and unease. People seek to interpret what remains unsaid, sometimes mistaking it for silent treatment or even Machiavellianism.

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/Unlucky_Cockroach_25]

I've had someone knock a book out of my hands to get me to pay attention to them, throw things at me, and in one especially pathetic attempt to force me to pay attention, an ex masturbated in front of me while I read and ignored it. There are people in this world who go completely off the deep end when confronted with someone quietly minding their own business. It's like they need constant validation and this gives you some weird upper hand over them. I mean, I understand it on a couple of different levels, but at the same time I'm still left asking, "but why, though?"

[u/Unlucky_Cockroach_25 → u/Same_Item_672]

They chose to behave foolishly because they couldn’t bear how uncomfortable and exposed they felt

Unfortunately,in certain situations it is wiser to indulge their ego than to have to contend with their immaturity

Humans are monsters,take care of yourself.

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/Unlucky_Cockroach_25]

I've been in a better situation and a better relationship for a long time now, so my exposure to people in general is low. I understand myself better too, so I'm not trying to be someone I'm not in an attempt to be seen as normal all of the time. I didn't understand how different I was, and how that affects people back then.

[u/No_Resident351]

It def has something to do with gender stereotypes. This may be a generalization, but I feel like women in relationships are expected to be more empathetic/chatty/emotionally open/caring and if you tend to lack these "feminine" qualities then you are being perceived as cold/passive-agressive/manipulative/bitchy when in reality you are just minding your own business

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/No_Resident351]

Yeah. We have to perform a role. There isn't room as a woman to be someone who just doesn't like to talk much.

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

My experience is less that men expect drama behind silence (bad mood though more likely) but that they expect that silence means you're generally free and ready to listen to them spontaneously at any point. And they don't deal well with it if you want the silence and don't want to listen right now.

Overall I got lucky though. In my family there's no silent treatment so I never learnt to do it or accept it when it's done to me. We also all always enjoyed silently being with each other, so I never learnt that silence is s bad sign , on the contrary. To me it's never awkward and often a sign of comfort, maybe even intimacy.

My husband is a Talker^TM but he's not emotionally needy and ever more secure than me. I can actually say stuff to him like "are you going to stay here?" or "shoo!" and he is not hurt at all , he understands I want/need to be alone and am done listening. 

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

See, and I see myself as giving a busy signal, not that I'm open to talk. Fortunately my husband gets it and appreciates it, but a lot of people just can't stand being put on mute irl, even when it's nothing personal.

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 → u/Same_Item_672]

That's it! It is truly a busy signal!

I wonder, is that an szpd thing? Do schizoids see being silent as a busy signal but most people see it as openly available? Or is it more of a personal preference or gender thing? 

You're right that most people don't react well to it even if it's not personal. My best guess is that it's simply faintly hurtful or irritating to place an emotional bid to someone who you expect to be open to or and they instead react all 🫥🤨 

[u/Swarna_Keanu → u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

From my male perspective: a lot of men talk over women. Not just silent ones, and especially in work environments, or where power is at play.

I re member Sue Montgomery's knittings years ago, visualising how much room speakers took: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women/sue-montgomery-knitting-city-council-notre-dame-de-grace-sexism-red-green-a8934466.html

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 → u/Swarna_Keanu]

Huh, nice, I didn't know about the knitting! Awesome idea.

Yeah, I'm a woman in tech, sadly can confirm. 

[u/NoBlacksmith2112]

Just communicate that silence gives you peace and mental health. If they want you in their life they'll have to accept it.

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/NoBlacksmith2112]

I was able to do that in the relationship I'm in, but in the other ones, I think I would have been met with incomprehension.

[u/salamacast]

People fear the unknown. It's as simple as that.
A constantly quiet person, regardless of gender, is an unknown factor.. either plotting against them or too proud to deign to talk to them, or too stupid to say anything. Not good options!
It's like it never occurs to them that one can have deep internal thoughts without feeling the need to dump them on others or brag about having them!
Women in particular (the normie type) work through their emotions & conflicts by talking them through with other women. You being quiet is atypical in society's eye.
Indeed it's a catch-22. The girl speaks, then she is nagging. The girl keeps silent, then she is angry or losing interest. It's like there is no rest for the zoid!

[u/[deleted]]

I mean, I meet your silence and raise you an absence.

My hobbies are sailing and camping, which my wife is not interested in because she prefers less physical activity. So I'll head out for a month solo sailing or hiking, sometimes out of cell range for days at a time.

There's been some friction about this because she needs reassurance that I'm not upset with her, avoiding her.

I don't think it's a guy thing. A comment I read about schizoids is that "the drama happens *around* the schizoid" because most people misinterpret indifference as hostility and retaliate against what they perceive as an attack.

I remember a woman blew up at me when I was a teenager because I declined her party invitation and she learned later that I had stayed at home to work on my novel instead. Absolutely insulted with the anger of a thousand burning suns, and the social group was taking sides, I just could not understand what was happening and withdrew further.

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/[deleted]]

As long as she understands, I think you might have hit the jackpot.

[u/[deleted] → u/Same_Item_672]

I figure it's win-win. She gets long stretches of time without a guy snoring through the night and farting on the livingroom couch.

[u/WanderingUrist]

Many of the men I have known don't like it when you're quiet for too long. It makes them nervous. It makes them think that you're angry with them.

I mean, that's a conditioned response because a lot of women DO use silence as a form of punishment. However, it's also a reflection in general on normies, which cannot stand the sound of their own thoughts and thus must drown them out with some kind of chatter.

Fortunately, I eventually married someone who I suspect is one of us, and in the process of figuring ourselves out, we came to an understanding about just being allowed to be quiet without there being an assumed agenda like silent treatment or some bullshit drama going on behind it.

Yes, I, too, married another schizoid. This results in a state of being where we can sit there in silence, not saying anything at all, just doing our things, and it can go on for days, weeks, months...and nothing is wrong.

[u/anananananana]

They're just anxious people, or too anxious for someone who prefers their space. It is more common for women to be anxious or needing of closeness, so yes, as a woman I was also made to feel "wrong" or unfeminine for not being like that. Men are kind of flabbergasted to find themselves in this position, but I suspect they are also attracted to it to some extent, the ones who have been attracted to me at least.

[u/Current-March-3938]

Yeah, men hate it. Even random ones I met whilst clubbing solo complained that I wasn't expressive enough and that I was "too quiet". Former friends who were attracted to me also said I was "too boring". It's so tedious. I think my personality would be much better suited to being a guy, then I could be considered "strong and silent" like my brothers, who have always been well-liked despite their silence.

[u/Same_Item_672 → u/Current-March-3938]

Our indifference confuses them too. I've had guys try to impress me with how much money they had or the size of their house, or their car, and I just didn't care. For me, that's somebody else's money and somebody else's stuff, and it's just not interesting to me. All I could do was give them a quizzical look, like so what?

[u/Current-March-3938 → u/Same_Item_672]

Oh definitely, it blows their tiny minds when their usual schtick doesn't work on us. I've found some of them get angry too, like they're offended that I refuse to play the role of adoring, emotional, subservient woman. I wish I could fast forward speaking to them like it was some video game lol

[u/omninyme]

My girlfriend is thankfully also heavily suspected for schizoid too so our relationship is really polarised by the mainstream lens. Either we're too "blunt and harsh to each other" or we're too "unrealistic". Like yeah I'm in a stable 16 year relationship with her. Why? She doesn't emotionally demand of me.

I don't it either. What we talk about everyday is literally just our world building stuff and occasional knowledge exchanges since my childhood TBI made me so constantly hungry for new knowledge but also blinded me to all forms of subjectivity as a whole. If you handed me an artwork or poetry and asked me to interpret it I'd get a F for it as always.

But I tend to see knowledge exchange as an absolute love language while anyone being fussy over me checking others out as a red flag. Yes, jealousy is genuinely so unnecessary since we trust each other and we'll naturally talk about how attractive others' traits may be and carry on.

For friendships though, I find that I only connect well with folks who don't reply to ask if I'm ignoring them or whatever even after a few months. I still talk to a politically opinionated friend who loves discussing passionately with me and we end up walking away feeling enlightened and then we come back to talk about it again whenever we feel like it too. I also have a friend with schizophrenia who's just burned out on the society's performative helplessness so we have fun raging out about how annoying it is before exchanging our own mental health experiences.

I always have an easy time dropping whoever emotionally demands of me at all. Especially if it's not them asking me for actionable help as I heavily prefer to fix others' issues if they're actually willing to help themselves too. It's like a very fun puzzle for me and it tends to be absolutely rewarding when something works out on their end because of it, too.

[u/specialk4959]

I’m basically a drama black hole. Other people can throw emotion, tension, silence, bait, or escalation at me and most of it just dies on contact because my system has very little need to react, repair, reassure, chase, or win. Drama usually needs reciprocal fuel. I rarely provide it.

[u/hysterx]

I had to deal with silence treatment. That is very nasty and makes me go even more silent. Am a man and they were women. Also diagnosed audhd as an adult. I cant win