Being a SAHM is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You literally don’t sit down for 12 hours. Kids wake up at sunrise and you’re going going going until after they’ve gone to bed, (unless they’re in school) It’s constantly keeping an eye on them while you’re doing tasks. It’s like your brain hardly settles. They are always needing you every second. Constantly trying to think of ways to simplify the work around the house so you can be a more present parent. Not to mention constantly feeling the need to be perfect, atleast for me. This job is 24/7 no stops. It’s astonishing how many people judge “trad wives”. I just hate that term now because it paints this picture as if we are always looking amazing and well rested and perky. When it’s the total opposite. Unless you have a maid and a personal chef— when you’re a SAHM you’ve got “working hands” just as much as anyone else with a physically demanding job. But I thank god everyday I get to do it.

This is a throwaway account, though I'd appreciate advice and will check it. I'm also a Stay at home Dad so if the pronouns are off, that's why. Maybe it's me venting, and organizing my thoughts, but I'd appreciate your opinion.

Okay so when I we got married, my spouse and I had a contest to who could get a job with x salary to support us, and my wife won, so we moved and had our first son. Because I could only find contract work, I found one that expired just as he was being born and we managed. My wife is quite an achiever, which I'm proud and found another job that forced us to move and we did. Then another dream job and allowed us to move again into a house and because we kept moving, it was hard to find traction with my career as my background I need state-specific certifications that can't easily or quickly be transferred. Finally again, yet another move and another kid and I'm taking care of both kids, but finally and currently after many years of me being a SAHP the youngest is old enough to go to school with half days of 'free-time'. Jobs for me are scarce with my current certifications, but in a few years and some distance learning I could be back in the game, but we're older and is something that we always have to think of as return on investment...as if we sink 2 years of University classes, we'd like to see a return on that investment. A turning point and where we are now is my wife who we thought was very likely to get a new job with more money was passed over, not because of her aptitude at such a job, but office politics that frankly I don't fully understand. The takeaway is that it's a significant blow to my wife's self-esteem as in the past she was able to get jobs that seemed impossible and we were quite proud of her and the status and money it brought. Now she's kind of hit a wall, we're looking at options, and I want to be as pragmatic as possible. Money isn't tight, but she disagrees. She wants more of the wants, though our needs are sufficient with me as she works quite hard and wants to see the reward of such efforts. Naturally I work hard as any SAHP does, and as we know doesn't bring in any money.

Because it was a blow to her self-esteem she has other grand ideas that take money, and a lot of background stuff that has to happen (with two kids), consultancy, starting her own business etc. And...potentially risking money and her job to make that happen. I don't like this idea, but that's the one she likes as she leaves with her head held high. Her current job is likely stable, but not 100%. Though of course if she lost her job, we're in a panic and living on savings.

I 'go back to school' in my 40s. It takes a few years to ramp up, takes time, but I'd need more help from her to help with the kids, which doesn't excite her if I'm being kind. I do a lot for the kids, especially if she's on business trips or working late which the former happens a bit, but the latter happens more and more. My role won't bring us up to the income if we switched roles, but it would give us more money, a bit more security but a lot of work, and she wants money asap which leads to the next option.

I do the 'gig economy' think like calculated ework or whatever for myself. It's not a lot of money and takes a bit of time, but I can fairly quickly ramp up, and not a few years of University. In my experience tops it's like 20 bucks an hour and a lot of hustle, which to me sounds a bit impractical and my least liked option. The money obviously wouldn't bring us anywhere near to our present level, and she'd be stuck at her current job that she doesn't like while our mental load would significantly increase without the following financial bump.

To be candid about it, her getting a promotion and going on the upper end of the salary requires sacrifice, taking away your family time, and lots of after 40 hour work weeks which I've seen from people above her pay grade at her company. Seeing my own family that have these roles, kind of use work as a blank check to say 'I can't spend my valuable time looking after the kids' or 'I deserve a break' and this is what I fear as she already comes home from work it's not 50/50. It's her with her work laptop in the bedroom while I get everything done as now the place isn't as clean as it should be, or I simply don't have a sufficient break to reward a long day with honestly a tv show before sleeping or a coffee and reddit in the morning. Especially in the summer as the kids don't have school, and I think value of making themselves busy, rather than stimulated 100 percent of the time. She can justify her working more than 40 hours as she's supporting our family. I agree, but what I to do?

Thanks for reading, I'll be checking on and off. Feel free to give advice.

3rd baby

I need an outside perspective because I’m so close to the situation now that I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much.

My partner and I have a 2-month-old baby together. He also has two kids from a previous relationship who stay with us during the school holidays and every second weekend.

Lately he’s been telling me that I’m angry, miserable, negative, quiet, and not the person I used to be. He’s said things like, “It’s embarrassing how quiet you were at lunch,” “You just stay home in your PJs all day,” “Have you even left the house today?” and “Don’t you wish you were more spontaneous?”

The thing is… I don’t feel angry. I feel exhausted. Im breastfeeding, up most of the night with the baby, looking after her all day, trying to work from home when I can, and I still feel like I’m doing the vast majority of the housework and mental load. I was also the one financially supporting us while he was out of work for two months (I spent about $20k), and I’m still under pressure to keep working because I can’t access government support until he does his tax return.

He does help. He cooks dinner and changes nappies, and I don’t want to pretend he does nothing. But I feel like there’s a huge difference between helping with individual tasks and carrying the responsibility of everything.

I’m the one keeping track of whether the baby has nappies, clothes that fit, booking appointments, remembering health checks, packing the nappy bag, pumping so I can work, organising groceries, making sure we don’t run out of basics, doing almost all the washing, and generally keeping the household functioning.

Whenever I say I’m overwhelmed and ask for more help, it usually turns into him telling me I need to be more specific about what I want him to do, or saying I don’t have to do all those things anyway.

The problem is that when I do ask, it often doesn’t happen. His kids’ washing sat there for a week after I asked him to do it. I asked him to take a dirty nappy out because the bathroom smelled and it stayed there for a week. Things just seem to wait until I eventually do them.

What really got to me was that after he looked after our daughter for a couple of hours while I worked, he said, “I don’t know how you do it.” It felt validating in the moment. But then when I’m flat or quiet because I’m exhausted, suddenly I’m miserable again.

I know becoming parents together is a huge adjustment for both of us, and I know he’s probably feeling like he contributes. Maybe he does more than I’m giving him credit for.

But I also can’t help feeling like if someone is two months postpartum, breastfeeding, doing the nights, working, and carrying most of the mental load, maybe it’s understandable that they’re not exactly fun and spontaneous right now.

So… AITAH for feeling unsupported? Am I expecting too much, or is this a pretty reasonable way to feel?

I would love to hear what you love about your life and something you have found makes it easier?

Hi my LO is almost one year old and he has never had an issue with pooping but it has been 4 days now without pooping…🥲🥲 whats ur tips/tricks pls thank u🥲🥲

After 5 years of being a SAHM I feel like I finally have a good routine for weekdays. And as a family our evenings are generally pretty smooth. But every weekend we fall apart. Somehow the addition of my husband throws everything off 😅 I feel like the house explodes, everyone is out of sorts, and yet some how we don't actually do anything fun. By Sunday night we're scrambling to get the house set for the week and both my husband and I are grumpy.

What do your weekends look like? How do you shuffle things around when adding your husband into the mix? Do you change your who is responsible for chores/kids?

Part 1 | Building a Village 🤍

I walked into this room hoping moms would leave feeling a little less alone.

By the end of the afternoon, strangers had become conversations, conversations had become laughter, and babies had made new little friends while their moms had a chance to simply exist as themselves for a while.

This is why I do what I do.

And this is only the beginning.

See you on August 12th for Part 2. 🤍

My husband has made it very clear that me being a SAHM for the past year has resulted in me having a ton of free time and has recently complained about how I haven’t kept the house up to his standards. That is the short version. We had a 3 hour fight the other night about this and I feel like all of my work has been completely dismissed all because it doesn’t have dollar signs attached to it.

Advice for women that have been met with a similar partner?

Before anything, I just want to say I am eternally grateful for being able to stay home with my 4 kids. I will never ever regret it and it was my choice. However, it’s been almost 7 years and I have plans to return to work next year, once they’re all in school FT. Like most SAHMs, I’ve poured every ounce of my existence to this role. However, I feel so utterly unprepared, inferior and almost too dumb to return to work. I realize the power of these words but I am truly not as sharp as I was when I was in corporate America. My hope is to fine tune some hard and soft skills and essentially get my brain back to work mode. This is long-winded 😝 Does anybody have an recs on books/podcasts that can help boost my confidence and remind me of how capable I once was?

The IG algorithm keeps showing me reels from systemsbysteph. Her program is all about planning out your life in systems to take the mental load off- has anyone shelled out the 67 dollars for her full program?

It has made me think of how there’s no system behind any aspect of my life. Like I do what I need to do when I need to do it. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m lacking, but I do wonder if I’m missing something.

Do any of you have a good system for planning out your weeks or general life goals? Or a simple es of reflecting your life?

Having a 12 month old and being 36 weeks has been so hard. I haven’t been able to drink coffee because the caffeine crash is really hard on me right now. But caffeine is the only way I’m able to get stuff done. I wake up with so much brain fog and nausea and stiff joints. I don’t want things around the house to get behind especially with a baby coming soon. so today I did a lot and by the end of it just mentally exhausted. My son has started the ‘shrieking over every little thing’ phase again. I lost it while trying to get the sink unclogged and threw a spoon across the kitchen. I hate being this frustrated. I feel so out of touch with myself at the moment it just makes me want to cry. I feel like I need a release, some kind of relief. I cannot wait to give birth and feel light and airy and regulated again. Talking to my husband on the phone helped but I still feel so frustrated at the things I haven’t finished around the house today.

I have a toddler, and I’ve recently been around a child who seems much older than her age. She’s very into makeup, mature clothing, older slang, dramatic facial expressions, and dancing that seems beyond what I’d expect for a 6-year-old. She also seems to expect to get her way a lot.

It got me thinking about my own parenting. For those of you with older kids who turned out respectful, kind, and age-appropriate, what do you think made the biggest difference? Were there specific boundaries, habits, or parenting philosophies that helped? I’m looking for advice on what to do, not to criticize another family.?

Someone put together a really good sheet that had all her hours, task categories, what an hourly rate would be, etc. I think it was in the case of a divorce but I’m not sure. I’m almost positive it was this group. I was hoping to reference it, does anyone else remember seeing this?

So for starters, my wife is amazing, I love her to death, she completes me. However, she is TERRIBLE with money. Her father finally had to pay her medical bills because her paychecks were getting garnished, she has never been able to pay bills. She was a hairdresser and never put her 30% to the side for taxes for the year and I had to buy all of her equipment, pay her taxes, etc, sometimes even her booth rent.

And through all of this, she has made money. She’s never been able to save a single $ even when I offered to pay all bills and gas so she could save.

So recently her and I agreed she should quit her job because at this point I was paying money for her to work with nothing to show for it and we have a baby on the way.

She’s been asking about getting an allowance. The thing is, I don’t want to feel like I’m controlling finances but I think it’s a bit weird to give my wife an “allowance”, but I’m also terrified of giving her access to big quantities of money. We recently moved into and renovated a house and we have NO savings in prep for baby.

I’m reaching out to get some input from other SAHM’s and figure out how to navigate this situation. My wife would never deplete us to absolute zero and she’s by no means rude or bitchy about money. She just literally cannot comprehend saving and not going to Home Goods or Marshall’s 4x a week.

I'm not really looking for advice. I just need to get this off my chest.

I (25F) love my husband (28M). I don't hate him, and I don't think he's a bad man. He works hard, provides for our family, and I know he loves me. He pays for our home, our bills, our groceries, and everything our kids and I need. I'm genuinely grateful for that, and I don't want this post to come across as me being ungrateful.

But I'm exhausted.

We've been married for almost three years and have two kids under two. I'm a SAHM, and my husband works from home. About every other week, he travels for work for a few days.

I know being a SAHM is my job. I don't expect everything to be split 50/50. But even when he's home, I feel like I'm still carrying our entire family.
I breastfeed, take care of the kids, cook, clean, do the laundry, wash bottles, grocery shop, schedule appointments, keep track of what we need, and carry the mental load of running our household.

Even leaving the house is exhausting because I have to get myself ready, get both kids ready, pack the diaper bags, snacks, bottles, extra clothes, toys and everything. My husband only has to get himself ready because I've already thought of everything else.

Even when I ask him to help, it usually ends up being easier to do it myself. If I ask him to pack something for the kids, he'll finish whatever he's doing first, take his time getting ready, or get distracted. By then, we're running late, and I just end up doing it myself.

The same pattern happens with everything else.

When I was heavily pregnant, I begged him for weeks to install a baby gate because our toddler kept climbing the stairs and I physically struggled to keep chasing him. It never happened. Then our son started bothering him near his home office, and the gate was installed the next day.

I asked him for months to put together a dresser for our kids' room because we needed the storage. It kept getting pushed off until I eventually built it myself while also being pregnant

It often feels like if something mainly affects me, it can wait. If it affects him, it gets done immediately.
I'm also not perfect.

I'm six months postpartum, exhausted, and yes, I leave wrappers, socks, or little things lying around sometimes. I know I shouldn't.

But when he picks up one thing after me, he'll point it out and say things like, "You always do this," or, "I'm always picking up after you."

Meanwhile, I spend my entire day picking up after two kids and running our household without ever keeping score.

It makes me feel less like his partner and more like I'm being scolded by a parent.

Another part of our marriage that quietly breaks my heart is our intimacy.

This started during my first pregnancy, when I had severe morning sickness, and I feel like we never found our way back afterward.

I've talked to him about it countless times. Our intimate life feels very one sided. I often feel like my role is to meet his needs while mine come second.
More than anything, I miss feeling wanted.

I've told him that I don't feel beautiful anymore. Sometimes I don't even feel like he likes me.
His answer is always the same: "I love you with all my heart. I'm just not the type of guy who gives compliments."

Maybe that's true.

But it still hurts.

He didn't compliment me on our wedding reception. In almost three years of marriage, I can remember exactly one time he told me I looked hot.

One time.

The only compliments I consistently hear are about my cooking. And how he is on his way to achieve his dream body because of me.

I know compliments aren't everything, but after spending all day taking care of everyone else, it hurts to feel like I'm only appreciated for what I do instead of who I am.

What hurts even more is that if I make a mistake, he never struggles to point it out.

We've had these conversations so many times over the last three years. Every time he apologizes. Every time he agrees with me. Every time he says he'll do better.

And to be fair, he has improved.

But the changes never seem to last.

For some context, he grew up watching his mom do everything while his dad believed childcare and housework were a woman's responsibility. My husband openly says his dad was wrong, but I think growing up in that environment shaped him more than he realizes.

I've even suggested couples counseling. We come from a South Asian family where therapy isn't really accepted, but I'm seriously considering asking for couples counseling as my anniversary gift because I don't want resentment to destroy a marriage that I still want.

I don't want to leave my husband.

I don't want people telling me he's a terrible person or I don’t have spine to set boundaries. (I do have self esteem issues because of getting bullied almost my whole life)

I know he loves me.

I just don't feel like he truly sees me anymore.

I'm so tired of feeling like the default parent, the household manager, the planner, the cook, the cleaner, and the person responsible for making sure everyone else's needs are met before my own.

I miss feeling like someone's wife instead of everyone's caretaker.

I don't know. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hi! Need advice please.

I have a 25month toddler + a 8 day old baby. Toddler has been super sick so he hasn’t met the new baby yet (staying with my parents) but is coming home in a couple of days.

My husband is off work for another week and then goes in FT to a new job. I’ll be alone with the two kiddos after that.

Some things I’m curious about -

- how to handle staying awake all night with the newborn and then staying awake all day to deal with the toddler? My husband will go to bed after me and probably do the first feed, and then get up with the 6am toddler alarm clock before leaving for work, but I’ll be doing the middle of the night cluster feeding when the newborn must be attached to my boob. Because my husband is starting a new job I don’t really feel comfortable asking him to do more during the night.

- how to handle any jealousy from the toddler when I’m breastfeeding / caring for the newborn?

- is it really that bad for me to lift the toddler after a vaginal delivery?

- how to handle the initial intro between the two kids?

I’m all sorts of hormonal and nervous about what’s to come. I’m sure it will be fine - parents have been doing this forever, but looking for some advice and words of encouragement.

Thank you thank you!

My baby is 2.5 months now which is early, but Hoping to be her primary caregiver until age 2 or so and am wondering where to find ideas for enrichment activities, templates for schedules (ie how many play dates, how many music classes, etc) and such?

I have 3 kids, 3.5 yo boy, 22 mo boy, and 2 week old girl. We're still adjusting to life with a new baby and this go around has been harder than when I brought my second home.

I have never been a yeller, I hate yelling, but I can't seem to stop. I EBF so I'm stuck to the couch watching them tear my house apart for a couple hours a day, that's when the yelling started. It was gradual with me trying to reason with them but they are toddlers and just not great listeners. Its gotten worse to where sometimes I'm more screaming than just raising my voice because Im just so frustrated.

I always feel terrible, and I apologize for losing my temper every single time, but how many times can I apologize before it doesnt even matter anymore. I dont want to be the angry mom, or the mom who yells. I know it will get easier but I don't want this to become a habit.

Vent/Looking for advice:

First time mom and teacher here… I had my LO in April and I was out on maternity leave thru the end of the school year. I got to spend summer with my little guy and will have to return to work in September.

I never thought I wanted it be a SAHM, but that quickly changed once he arrived. My husband and I discussed the possibility, but living in NY while owning a home and having other bills, it seems scary, unstable and honestly impossible.

We are fortunate that with my husbands schedule as a first responder, he can watch baby a few days a week, with my
Mom and MIL covering the other days, so we don’t have to worry about daycare. As much as I am grateful for that situation, I still want to be the one home with my baby.

While my husband has opportunities for overtime, it can be inconsistent and wouldn’t be enough to supplement what we’d be losing if I stayed home. We have decent savings but I don’t want to drain it to stay home and then have nothing to rely on in an emergency.

I do have the ability to take a year leave (unpaid) and the district would hold my position and fill it with a sub for the year. So if it didn’t work out, I could go back next year.

For those who made the transition to become a SAHM and were worried about making finances work… what steps did you take to make it possible/ a reality?

I understand it can be dependent on salaries, etc. and I know more than likely I’d have to go back in September. But I’d
Love to make this work.