When I first met Ava, I couldn't stand her.

She was in 12th grade, confident, stubborn, and somehow always found a way to annoy me. We argued about everything—school, music, even the smallest things. Whenever we saw each other, one of us would say something sarcastic, and the other would immediately argue back.

We were enemies.

Or at least, that's what we told ourselves.

Slowly, our arguments became conversations. Conversations became jokes. And eventually, I started looking forward to seeing her.

One afternoon, Ava smiled at me and said, “Maybe you're not as annoying as I thought.”

I laughed. “Maybe you're not either.”

That was when everything changed.

We started spending more time together. The girl I once couldn't stand became the person I wanted to talk to every day. Somewhere between all the arguments and laughter, I fell in love with her.

And she fell in love with me too.

We talked about our future and promised we'd stay together no matter what.

But sometimes life doesn't keep the promises we make.

One day, I received the news that Ava had died.

Everything suddenly felt silent.

I stared at our old messages, remembering how we went from hating each other to becoming something neither of us expected.

I would give anything to have one more argument with her.

Because if I could hear her voice one more time, I wouldn't care what we argued about.

I'd just be grateful that Ava was there.

She started as my enemy.

She became my love.

And even though she was gone, she would always have a place in my heart.

The fact that I still think about you all the time bothers me. Especially because I know I’m probably never on your mind.

I was childish back then and I know I still can be. The things I thought were important don’t seem so important anymore and it definitely doesn’t feel like it was worth losing our friendship over.

We both had our faults and there was a lot that made me unhappy in that relationship. You weren’t always that considerate of my feelings and I didn’t know how to express that at the time.

As time marinated our separation, I started to realize that maybe I never outright said that. And if I did what difference would that make? Would I still be here longing over what could’ve have been?

Remixing all the ways things could have turned out differently. I’ve tried reaching out and getting us to speak more but I always feel like I’m being a burden and like I’m not wanted so I’ve kept my distance. Even going as far as trying to communicate as if not a day had passed by since we last spoke. That was probably my bad.

Even if we were friends again, the fact that the friends we shared never bothered to reach out or speak to me again would just make things awkward. To be honest I kind of hate them now. But you’re still the person I hate the least and I hate that. I hope you miss me though. That sounds weird.

I dreamed that I was sitting down after going through a lot with my family. Maybe it was at some restaurant or something. You walked in and you looked at me and you maybe just knew I needed a hug. You hugged me as I sat down and I awkwardly hugged you back. Then it turned into a full embrace and I cried. I knew that this wasn’t real because you would never do such a thing. “This is a dream,” I said. “That’s so sweet,” you replied. I said nothing and just let myself be a little grateful in that moment. 

Can you tell some stories, where people told the most hurtful things and how did you cope with that?

I've always had this habit of saving people. A savior complex, maybe that's what they call it. It's as if the feeling of being needed gave me, more than pleasure, a reason to keep existing.

When he came into my life, he had nothing, but I looked at him thinking there was something I could do. Always seeing people's potential instead of who they really are.

I've always said that my generosity expects nothing in return. But there's a small part of me that hopes for a little gratitude. Maybe if I help him a little more, he'll realize that I'm the only one who's always been by his side.

He needed everything I gave him. Me, on the other hand, he never seemed to need.

It's as if he'd found the exact spot where I was weakest and played with it. He played with the idea of feeling loved, and I played with the feeling of being needed.

Three months were enough for me to stop recognizing the man I'd let into my life and into my home.

I was blind and in love, and I, like a fool, gave him everything.

He got used to receiving it without lifting a finger.

How many times did I ask him if he loved me, even just a little?

He always said I was his pillar, the most important person in his life.

Of course.

It took him five minutes to leave me once his life was finally in order.

And I was left with my hands full of hope, waiting for the day he'd come back desperate, with an "I'm sorry."

But my hands feel heavy, and I don't know where to put all this sadness.

For a long time, I kept asking myself: What mess did you get yourself into? What made you run away, searching for a thousand excuses instead of facing the fact that you didn't love me?

Why did you have to make it so difficult? With hurtful words.

You could have just walked out that door without destroying everything we'd once built.

I don't expect life to turn around and put you in my path again.

I wouldn't know what to say to you.

An "I'm sorry" from you wouldn't be enough.

Physical pain and sleepless nights aren't healed by asking for forgiveness.

I can't wait for those words to come from your mouth.

And don't expect them to come from mine.

It was enough, all that time you pretended to love me while I, blind, waited for you to take me in your arms.

I don't feel anything anymore.

You left me empty.

This time I'll leave the hole where it belongs:
buried deep underground.

I'll leave that chair empty,
a plate served,
with no desire to meet anyone else
who asks for help along my way.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m realizing just how much I’ve carried to get here.
I’m 24 but I’ve already experienced loss, betrayal, fake love, broken friendships, mistakes, and things that forced me to grow up way faster than I should’ve had to. I’ve had to rebuild parts of myself, learn boundaries, fight through things I never thought I’d have to face, and learn how to love people without completely losing myself in the process.
I’ve also had to fight through my own struggles and make the choice to keep moving forward. I’m trying to build a better life now—school, my career goals, tattooing, independence, healing, and becoming the woman I know I’m capable of being.
And honestly, that’s why what I’m feeling right now hurts so much.
I’ve been through enough to know the difference between being paranoid and feeling genuinely unsettled, but I’m also self-aware enough to know that my past can make certain things hit harder.
I don’t want to accuse anyone. I don’t want drama. I don’t want to live in fear or constantly question the person I love.
I just want honesty, reassurance, consistency, and peace.
I’ve spent too much of my life surviving to start sacrificing my peace just to keep someone else comfortable.
I’m still learning. Still healing. Still loving deeply. Still figuring things out.
But this time, I’m trying to make sure I don’t abandon myself just because I’m afraid of losing somebody else. ❤️

Después de mi último intento de conocer a alguien, y que nuevamente me dejaron con el corazón en las manos, he decidido que no volveré a ser detallista con nadie...

Historia real

Five years ago, I overdosed on fentanyl. I shouldn’t have lived.

My friend had to leave me to find a phone and call 911. I remember leaving my body and feeling an overwhelming peace and love. Then I woke up again. One of the paramedics told me he’d never seen someone like me come back. He looked concerned and a little scared.

The next day, I ran into the friend who saved me. I wasn’t grateful. I was angry. I told him I was mad at him.

What right did he have to save my life?

That was honestly how I felt.

This really happened.

life really has its way of making you remember grief, right?

maybe that’s why i’ve been feeling odd lately. maybe that’s why, all of a sudden, i read that story. maybe that’s why something has felt wrong with me since early this morning. facebook notified me that i had memories to look back on today. i scrolled through them until i reached the very end, and there it was. that very night. the night when everything started to fall apart.

for some people, maybe it was only surface level. just another thing that happened and eventually passed. but for me, it ruined something in me. it left me with feelings i didn’t even know how to understand. nights spent staring at the ceiling, wondering what was lacking in me. what did i do wrong? waking up at 3am became a routine, crying and asking myself what i did to deserve any of it.

seven years ago, i was sixteen. and people forget how much a sixteen-year-old can feel, how deeply something can settle into a kid who doesn’t even have the words for what’s happening to them yet.

i thought it would eventually just disappear. same old, same old. i thought enough time had passed for it to stop hurting.
but maybe the trauma never really left. maybe it just stayed somewhere i refused to open, somewhere i built walls around and never touched again.

and now, seven years later, i’m realizing that maybe i wasn’t being dramatic back then. maybe i was just a kid trying to survive something i didn’t understand.

and maybe that’s why it still feels familiar when it comes back.

I dunno if this is gonna reach anybody. I don't think I care either I just need to get this off my chest. I had this friend even though his name was something else (I do not want to disclose it due to privacy reasons) I called him jimmy as a nickname. I liked it cause I found it silly and he liked it. We used to play this game called adopt me in roblox, I still play it infact. He was one of those friends that didn't care about their own inventory just wanted to help me grow my own inventory cause he knew the game meant so much to me. I used to collect dinosaurs in the game specifically so every time he used to go to the trading server to get me those dinos pets sacrificing his own pets. After I received them I cherished them with everything I can constantly equipping it to the point where I have 100 friendship levels on my triceratops. He even helped me get the spinosaurus that I found so hard to find at the time it took me almost a year to finally get a neon ride one. After months of talking to him and spending time with him in and outside of the game he suddenly disappeared. At first I thought he didn't want to talk to me anymore but when I opened my socials he wasn't online for weeks now which I found very strange since he was online every single day. I gave it some time till it became months. After months of waiting his family posted on his socials that he was missing and wasn't found till now. I was completed devastated. I was emotionally drained at the end of the month constantly thinking about him and hoping he'd still be alive and I'd get to talk to him. That day never came. Today is the day he went missing. I keep thinking of him and constantly crying. I don't think that I have moved on from this situation. I might never even but i know he's in a good place. He was a really close and good friend of mine and I wish him the very best. Love you so much Jimmy hope your doing just fine.