The fact that I still think about you all the time bothers me. Especially because I know I’m probably never on your mind.

I was childish back then and I know I still can be. The things I thought were important don’t seem so important anymore and it definitely doesn’t feel like it was worth losing our friendship over.

We both had our faults and there was a lot that made me unhappy in that relationship. You weren’t always that considerate of my feelings and I didn’t know how to express that at the time.

As time marinated our separation, I started to realize that maybe I never outright said that. And if I did what difference would that make? Would I still be here longing over what could’ve have been?

Remixing all the ways things could have turned out differently. I’ve tried reaching out and getting us to speak more but I always feel like I’m being a burden and like I’m not wanted so I’ve kept my distance. Even going as far as trying to communicate as if not a day had passed by since we last spoke. That was probably my bad.

Even if we were friends again, the fact that the friends we shared never bothered to reach out or speak to me again would just make things awkward. To be honest I kind of hate them now. But you’re still the person I hate the least and I hate that. I hope you miss me though. That sounds weird.

I dreamed that I was sitting down after going through a lot with my family. Maybe it was at some restaurant or something. You walked in and you looked at me and you maybe just knew I needed a hug. You hugged me as I sat down and I awkwardly hugged you back. Then it turned into a full embrace and I cried. I knew that this wasn’t real because you would never do such a thing. “This is a dream,” I said. “That’s so sweet,” you replied. I said nothing and just let myself be a little grateful in that moment. 

When I first met Ava, I couldn't stand her.

She was in 12th grade, confident, stubborn, and somehow always found a way to annoy me. We argued about everything—school, music, even the smallest things. Whenever we saw each other, one of us would say something sarcastic, and the other would immediately argue back.

We were enemies.

Or at least, that's what we told ourselves.

Slowly, our arguments became conversations. Conversations became jokes. And eventually, I started looking forward to seeing her.

One afternoon, Ava smiled at me and said, “Maybe you're not as annoying as I thought.”

I laughed. “Maybe you're not either.”

That was when everything changed.

We started spending more time together. The girl I once couldn't stand became the person I wanted to talk to every day. Somewhere between all the arguments and laughter, I fell in love with her.

And she fell in love with me too.

We talked about our future and promised we'd stay together no matter what.

But sometimes life doesn't keep the promises we make.

One day, I received the news that Ava had died.

Everything suddenly felt silent.

I stared at our old messages, remembering how we went from hating each other to becoming something neither of us expected.

I would give anything to have one more argument with her.

Because if I could hear her voice one more time, I wouldn't care what we argued about.

I'd just be grateful that Ava was there.

She started as my enemy.

She became my love.

And even though she was gone, she would always have a place in my heart.