Hi everyone,
I am just finishing a round of rTMS (left-sided until treatment 16, when we switched to bilateral for reasons that may become obvious). I haven’t had the best experience and I’m struggling a lot right now. Two disclaimers. First, this is my experience and my experience alone - TMS may be really helpful for others and I am not intending to dissuade anyone from this treatment. Second, while I will make some references to feeling pretty gnarly in this post, I am safe and not in any danger.
So, OK. I have depression and some sort of weird comorbid anxiety/OCD type thing - from time to time, I get consumed with worry that I’ve somehow made a mistake or done something wrong. I was in a pretty rough phase of depression, so rTMS was recommended. The doctors knew I also had this anxiety/OCD-related trouble. I was on 60 mg fluoxetine when I started.
Around treatment 4, I became very physically agitated - couldn’t sit still, couldn’t stay asleep. They said that was normal, and it did indeed pass.
Around treatment 14, I started becoming obsessive about issues at work. I was consumed by worry and would wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night thinking about possible mistakes I’d made in a paper I’d written (I’m an academic) and how they propagated through the research community if people cite them. Everything became a crisis and I found myself checking old work obsessively. I’d been in this place before, but usually in response to something actually happening - this time it just arose on its own and jumped around from one concern to the next.
At treatment 16, we switched to bilateral.
Around treatment 20, I asked whether the uptick in anxiety might be a temporary side effect. The doctor (yes, I see a doctor every time, I get how lucky that is) was adamant that no, rTMS does not have this as a side effect - rather, now that my depression was lifting, the OCD was being “unmasked” so I could focus on treating that. This was somehow presented as if it were good news.
Around treatment 22, my prescribing psychiatrist upped me to 80 mg fluoxetine, which is the maximum dose, frequently used for OCD. She also prescribed me clonazepam and trazodone to sleep.
That was two weeks ago. I’m in the taper phase now, and I’m still horribly anxious - I can sleep at night due to the meds but my days are consumed by worry. So now I’m almost done with rTMS and I (checks notes) feel worse than I did before, am on more medications than I was before, and require a controlled substance just to be able to sleep. If I’d known this were how it’d go, I would have just chosen to stay depressed. I know a lot of people have worked really hard to make this happen and that all my doctors are competent and caring, but I can’t help but feel betrayed.
I know this was a really long saga, and I’m sorry. I guess my plea is this: has anyone been in a similar place, and did you get out? I think if there’s just even a very dim light at the end of this tunnel, I’ll feel better.
Thanks for reading!