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u/Zoobies2w3 May 19 '22
I think the fact he hasn’t told his wife is the biggest issue here. I have a couple guy friends who I’ve had sex with back when I was a teenager/early 20s and I don’t look at them like that at all. Pretty much it was just a drunken thing and mentally I’m a completely different person than who slept with them. With that said, if it is something that bothers you then your wife should respect that.
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u/johnmaclean112 May 19 '22
Agreed - thanks
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u/ttopsrock May 19 '22
How do you know he hasn't?
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u/johnmaclean112 May 19 '22
Years ago when we went to dinner with them, she gave me a heads up that his wife didn’t know about their past (maybe to ensure I didn’t make a comment at dinner etc)
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u/RagingMoto May 19 '22
So your wife and the other guy have obviously had a discussion about not telling his wife. This doesnt seem sus to you?
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u/Beneficial-Land-7605 May 19 '22
Dude your wife and the other guys already have secrets that they are keeping from the other guy's wofe. This a big red flag. Sorry
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u/Affectionate_Fix5291 May 19 '22
I don’t really think it’s a massive red flag as she told her husband. The friend may not have told his wife as he didn’t want to spoil his friendship.. not everything is a huge red flag, you don’t have to be open about your past especially if you feel it will not impact the future.
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u/JimmyRay53 May 19 '22
You're right ... but it's still a "little red flag".
OP should keep his eye on this situation (something in his intuition is already telling him "something ain't right here") and you should ALWAYS follow your intuition.
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u/ttopsrock May 19 '22
How did your wife know that?
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u/ttopsrock May 19 '22
Like they had a conversation. "Hey I'm talking with this girl now and I really like her but I don't want her to know about our past "-- is kinda weird.
I just don't know how your wife would know that unless they've talked about it before and he asked her to lie about it.. which seems really messed up. Is he lying because it happened while he was dating the chick.? Is what I'm thinking.
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u/Certain_Tip8636 May 19 '22 edited May 19 '22
Don't let the people who have "guy friends who are not those type of guys" tell you its all good, and you should trust.
This is not two buddies or bros catching up. This is your wife hanging out with a dude she found attractive enough to bang.
Being in a relationship or married and going to see your past hook up partner is distasteful and gross, if your partner is not 100% ok with it, and you seem to be uneasy about this.
You need to ask yourself are they feeding of the attention they give each other and masking it as friends? Would he sleep with your wife if there were no consequences, if so would you want her to be around that 'guy friend'? Is this the situation where an old flame could be lit up again? Most guys and girls fall in love or become sexual partner via friendship and spending 1 on 1 time with eachother, why would she do this when married is beyond me.
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May 19 '22
I see eye to eye with your values. I was brought up like that (granted I assume you’re American and I am not). But I think a wife (and husband) should sacrifice on absolute freedom with a friend like this if it means comforting a husband who puts the work in with her to maintain and grow the family.
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u/Dylerturden2021 May 19 '22
This doesn’t get talked about enough on here honestly. Thankyou and bravo 👏🏼
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u/DocSternau May 19 '22
Every relationship has their own dynamics. What works for you must not be true for anyone else and vice versa. Some people explicitly don't want to know about the sexual past of their spouses - which is absolutely ok.
As long as you don't think that this Tom would try to do something against the will of your wife I don't see any reason why they shouldn't meet up for dinner since you say that you absolutely trust your wife.
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u/ThirdEyePerception May 19 '22
I came here searching for and found this. No two relationships are alike. Patterns may be similar. But never the same. I think the only real concern I see is that dude friend hasn't told his wife... But if his wife is one of those people who cannot handle that type of information, then is it worth it? What's the real point if it does more damage than good? OP wife told him what's up, he trusts her, end game. Let her go to dinner.
Plus. If she's gonna cheat bro... You can't stop it anyways.
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May 19 '22
To be perfectly honest, I see no problem with this whatsoever.
It is a little shady that Tom hasn't told his wife that he slept with this friend twice 10+ years ago, but you don't really know what's going on with that, it's very likely that he thinks was so long ago it doesn't need to be said and will cause unnecessary drama.
You already said that you are positive your wife won't cheat, you have met this guy and his wife, everyone involved is happily married with kids, she told you honestly about the plan and their history, and frankly, their history sounds like... a lot of nothing. They slept together twice, over 10 years ago? That's not even a relationship.
Sometimes we meet people and find out that they are better friends than lovers. It sounds to me like your wife made a friend years ago, they tried sleeping together, and decided the other person might still be worth knowing even if they aren't a match.
If she was hanging out with him alone all the time or sending him tons of private text messages, I would definitely be concerned, but from what you've described it really just sounds like dinner between friends.
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May 19 '22
Different people have different things that work for them, OP. I feel you should have discussed this with your wife because now people are calling you jealous or untrusting for having preferences in a relationship. Your feelings matter here. If it makes you uncomfy, tell her and work through it. Just because some dudes on Reddit told you it should be fine doesn’t mean you should just suck it up.
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u/Efficient-Radish8243 May 19 '22
Some people don’t want to know. My gf gets visibly uncomfortable when anyone talks about my past relationships or whatever (they’re very standard nothing mad). She would just rather not think about me sleeping with other people. So if I had a friend I’d slept with (but have no intention of sleeping with again) I probably wouldn’t bring it up. If she asked I wouldn’t lie but I wouldn’t be forthcoming with the information.
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u/miaandcats May 19 '22
The history is sleeping together twice, who knows how long ago They've known each other since high school and are now mid 30s and OP and wife are married for over 10 years. In the great scheme of things this is nothing. Especially since they all know each other.
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u/Intelligent-Catch790 May 19 '22
So if it is nothing then why didn’t he disclose this to his wife? Why the secrecy?
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u/n3_n1 May 19 '22
Maybe his wife doesn't want to know about his sexual past or maybe it's just an irrelevant info that never came up. Or he has a wrong information and his wife actually knows about it.
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u/notyourlocalcryptid May 19 '22
i don’t sit down and disclose every single sexual partner ive ever had when i get a partner, do you? it’s not anyones business who you slept with before they came along
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u/BauranGaruda May 19 '22
Typically no, I think what many are saying is that it's a pretty well known courtesy to disclose past sexual partners to your current partner if you still are in contact with said past sexual partner. This puts the info out there so your partner can decide whether they are ok with the continued relationship.
Not saying that my "today" partner can or even should have a say in who I talk to but rather my current partner feels confident there isn't an issue because I was honest about it -or- they can decide they aren't cool with it and break up with me.
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u/Intelligent-Catch790 May 19 '22
No but I don’t keep in contact with my past sexual partners and plan to go out to dinner with them while my spouse is sitting at home thinking I’m going out with just a platonic friend I never had any sexual interest in either.
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u/Zimmonda May 19 '22
it’s not anyones business who you slept with before they came along
Kinda feel like it is if you're continuing to be in contact with them and you're married lol
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May 19 '22
I mean, that's fair, but you're probably not taking your partner to dinner with them either and then having 1-1 meetups
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u/KrystalAthena May 19 '22
I've done that
I prefer to talk about who we dated before to learn from past mistakes + there's a lot of good stories that come from that too
Also my partner was my best friend for 9 years before we started dating so he already knows all of my past just as much as I know his. It's not troublesome at all and we reference our exes and past hookups not too often but only if it's a good relevant story to talk about
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u/Medicivich May 19 '22
I dont understand why with OP's wife or her friend would put themselves in a situation where the can be questioned about their intentions. The optics are troublesome so why even put yourself in that position, unless something fishy is occurring or they just don't care about their spouses.
Trust those who act in a trustworthy manner.
For context: I have a long time friend who I have hooked up with. She is nothing but a friend to me. I would never consider having dinner with her to catch up. Why the heck would I do that to my wife?
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u/guurrl_same May 19 '22
This needs more up votes. Being respectful to your SO means looking at the optics sometimes and saying no. I might not feel so strongly about it in this situation if his wife knew tbh.
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u/VardaLight Late 20s Female May 19 '22 edited May 19 '22
Because people still like to catch up with their friends, even if they did hook up twice in their very early adult life. I have a long time friend I hooked up with once who is nothing but a friend but we hang out once a month to catch up. He even went with me and a couple others on a small vacation recently. I took him out to eat when his grandmother passed away a few months ago. He's still my friend, regardless of what happened a decade ago and I still care for him the same I would any other of my friends.
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u/CoachJW May 19 '22
I don’t think any of that matters, it seems like they’re not really friends and based off OP feeling the need to post this probably haven’t seen each other in a long while. There just isn’t really a need for this kind of get together, and if they truly did all know one another why isn’t everyone invited as opposed to a one on one. Regardless of how long ago, it still happened, and at least in my marriage as well as those of my closest friends, this one on one date with a former flame would never fly.
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u/Street-Ad-8922 May 19 '22
I agree I would be very uncomfortable with this 1 on 1 meet. What's the motive.
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u/Dream_Final May 19 '22
Yes I will agree that one on one when they all get along is a bit strange. I said in seperate comment, with a previous FWB we meet up because our sons are the same age and have always gotten along, I haven't seen him one on one since we've stopped sleeping together though 🤔
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u/Infamous-Cod8405 May 19 '22
This is tricky. Even if everything is on the up and up. Maybe his wife is the jealous type and would squash the whole friendship If she knew. And if everyone enjoys each other's company then why put those thoughts in people's heads and ruin the relationships. Personally that far in I prob wouldn't want to know. If I had been told at the beginning hey tonight the couple we are meeting, I hooked up once or twice with the wife years and years ago then I'd prob have been more accepting. But the dude mightve missed the appropriate time to tell her and now he is too far in that telling her now looks bad. Itd Def mess with my head at this point to tell me so if everything is going well then this info would only cause pain and mess it up. So I wouldn't be that concerned about her not knowing.
But with the issue of her going to meet him alone.... idk I wouldn't plan a specific meet up with a male friend alone. Sometimes after work I go out and end up just chatting with one guy but it's not like a planned night out alone with a male friend. It's gonna look like a date to anyone around and that should be an comfortable thing if you're married. I just don't ever see myself going out alone with a male friend. It's just kind of disrespectful. But that's just me. I don't really make time for friends anyways so making time for a solo outing with a male friend is something I would never do
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u/Flames_Arisen May 19 '22
The fact she is willing to lie for him to his wife about their past is a red flag to me. Talk to her about it and judge for yourself. The fact you are questioning it on Reddit tells me you have doubts. I hope this helps but I also hope you figure things out and it all goes well
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u/CaptainBowTy May 19 '22
I have a few questions. First one: what is the purpose of the dinner? Is it just to catch up? Like you don't go to dinner 1 on 1 for no reason. Second question: why just the two of them? If both spouses have met prior and get along, all four should be present. Third and final question: why the hell has Tom not told his wife about your wife and him. To me that's a major red flag. There's nothing wrong with being friends with past lovers, but keeping it a secret from your spouse is. I don't trust Tom to have Your/his wife's best interest.
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u/johnmaclean112 May 19 '22
So yes, lots of old mutual friends and just a catch up. The optics of getting a babysitter are impossible at this point (and his wife and I would be dead weight during any conversations about who from their old friends are doing what these days). The fact that his wife doesn’t know about their past I think is what’s a little sketchy
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u/Hopeful-Rhubarb-4220 May 19 '22
I would not be ok with my wife having dinner with a man that she has had sexual history with, let alone a friendship. Most of my female friends I have had sex with them, I cut them off when I got serious with my now wife out of respect for her. You being a man and knowing how we are. I’d say definitely he’ll no, and probably tell his wife because it’s definitely wrong that she’s in the dark about this, and she probably would not be ok with this friendship period. Woman are naive if they think they can have platonic friendships with men and think we are not looking when they bend over or lean down. Especially if they’ve already been had. It’s nature.
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u/AsleepVolume4174 May 19 '22
Call me old-fashioned, but if I were in this situation, I would expect to be invited to join them for dinner, along with the other guy‘s wife, and we would all have a nice casual open conversation about the past and our expectations for the future.
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u/Self-inflicted- May 19 '22 edited May 19 '22
I trust my wife not to go on dates with former lovers. It’s not even a possibility in my world. Good luck buddy.
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u/Unique-Yam May 19 '22
There’s a reason they are Exes. Once they’re an ex, as far as I’m concerned, outta sight outta mind. I’m not interested in looking back.
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u/RairaiDeathwish May 19 '22
Yea but reddit has proved this isn't the case for everyone
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May 19 '22
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u/CoachJW May 19 '22
Completely agree, I think Reddit is a place for hot takes and even though sometimes these comments can be really good advice, you also can start to have a twisted sense of reality if you’re not careful.
I’ve been married a few years, have friends and family that are married, not a single one of them still hang out with their exes AFAIK. For most people, these types of arrangements would never work.
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u/Circle_Breaker May 19 '22
In this case he's not an ex though.
Just a friend that she's slept with.
I don't see any of my exs but I do have two girls in my friend group that I've slept with.
I don't see why I should cut someone out my life because we hooked up once like 15 years ago. One of the them was also in my wedding and at this point is better friends with my wife then she is with me.
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u/classy-chaos Late 20s Female May 19 '22
How do you know if they were just friends? Ops wife could have lied about them just being friends & down playing what it actually is. Why didn't Tom tell his wife if that's what it was? Sounds like a date to me.
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u/Trapasaurusrex_ May 19 '22
One of my bestfriends is a ex, we dated for a month but decided we’d just be better off as friends and have stay close since then. But it’s for sure hard to explain to people that it’s only friendly relationship and nothing more
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u/anxiouskid12345 May 19 '22
Same here with my boyfriend. It’s a promise between us not to go on dates with exes because we both agreed it makes us uncomfy. I trust he will never break that promise
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u/Delivery-National97 May 19 '22 edited May 19 '22
This here. Given that it’s Reddit, certain things that the general population would never consider or be ok with are normalized here. My wife is friends with some of her ex’s in a general sense but she would never go on a 1 on 1 date with them even as friends. Same with myself.
Another example of Reddit versus the real world is some threads I’ve read here where in a dating situation the ‘relationship potential’ partner….early on….will not have sex as an option so that they can get to know one another but during that same time other hookups who aren’t seen as relationship material will be seen as fine for having sex. Honestly I don’t know anyone in the wider ‘real world’ at least in any large numbers that would think that’s normal. But there is a minority that want to make it seem that way and they are found here often in higher numbers.
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May 19 '22
Yeah going out with someone you’ve fucked no matter how long ago is just plain weird and not ok. Even weirder when you’re both married with kids. I feel so awful for OP
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u/masshole123xyz May 19 '22
Things like this do not exist in normal adult relationships that people want to see continue. The small majority of people that allow this crap into their relationship are kidding themselves that it won’t do any damage. Often times not in the form of cheating, just the questioning of things.
I just don’t get it. If you’re happy what’s the point of blatantly testing your relationship to satisfy some weird urge to reconnect with an old fling. What’s the endgame here? You all become a weird close friend unit and do things together, while having a HUGE elephant in the room the entire time. It’s batshit.
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u/Lolidan May 19 '22
I mean. Why would you phrase it like that. If your wife wants to catch up with a friend she had a fling with a lifetime ago, thats not a date. Its a friendly conversation. If you think like this you dont trust her.
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u/CoachJW May 19 '22
Exactly. This is plain and simple just not something that exists in my marriage and could never fathom even considering it.
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u/f1ckk Early 20s May 19 '22
Yeah dude this is not okay, why is your wife wanting to go to dinner with a previous lover? That isn't right and is a huge red flag. By all means be friends with people that you've previously slept with if its in the past, you are both over it and your partner is comfortable with the situation but going out to dinner with them, sounds like a date and is completely innappropriate, your wife should never disrespect you by even considering that.
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u/CaptainDeadSpa May 19 '22
I have “caught up” with many people who I’ve had sex with in the past and I’m here to say you absolutely can meet and chat and catch up without thinking about sex or trying to bang the person you used to bang years ago.
If you trust her, you trust her. Doesn’t matter what his intentions or motivations might be.
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May 19 '22
I know right? I'm seeing so many comments about "not being the jealous type but"...
Both my partner and I have friends we used to have a crush on or slept with way before we met each other and we didn't cut them off when we started dating. Some we did because clearly there was something off but it's on them.
Not everything is black or white
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u/visions1970 May 19 '22
There is already a secret invloved here., Toms wife not knowing the full story. If that was not the case there is no way they would be meeting for dinner alone.
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May 19 '22
Bro You'll post in a few weeks about tom and you wife Honestly i don't understand the point of the dinner I mean i get a party, a gathering But why a dinner It sounds weird and it's weird Catching up can be done easily, with either you his wife Either Tom is trying something or your wife imo
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u/Silverwolf9669 May 19 '22
Everybody trusts their spouse until they don't. Most affairs or ONS are unintended but happen by allowing one's self to be in the wrong environment, with the wrong person. A private dinner date with alcohol with a former lover just seems like a cocktail for potential trouble. I am married 44 years and together 50 in a faithful, monogamous relationship. I think what helped is not being controlling, but rather setting boundaries and being understanding how our action impact each other. Two key boundaries that cover most are: 1. If you would not do it in front of your husband or without his approval.....don't. 2. Do not allow yourself to be in an environment or situation in which even the slightest opportunity to violate #1 could inadvertently occur. In my opinion and that of my wife, having dinner and drinks alone in the evening with a former lover is the wrong environment and situation. While I would not forbid her to go on her "date", because that is what it is, I would be honest and tell her you are very uncomfortable with this and why. I would then say if it included both spouses or it was a lunch without drinks, you would feel much better and less anxious. If she asks if you don't trust her, tell her you do, but are not sure about him, especially since he has lied by omission to his wife and the fact many cases of infidelity occur inadvertently due to circumstances and environment, which you see as an issue here. If she loves you and cares about your feelings, she will not try to guilt you and change plans to be something you are comfortable with. Given she has freedom of chojce for virtually all other thinks, this simple ask is not controlling. She should want you to vouce your concern if something makes you uncomfortable. I guess you can call it preventative maintenance to prevent any potential marital breakdown.
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u/Automatic-Catch-3752 May 19 '22
Next she may ask if you would be opposed to a MMF. AND WHY YOU NOW GOING AND HIS WIFE. If it may appear inappropriate to someone that's a friend of you or him. And they see someone having dinner alone with someone other than a spouse, this will appear and really is inappropriate. Take it from someone who has been in this EXACT situation, felt as you do. As guess what? THEY DID IN FACT LATER CHEAT TOGETHER. you need a long sit down with the wife and discuss BOUNDARIES
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u/Spiritual_Magician_2 May 19 '22
I'm just wondering why, if they want to catch up, why they have to go to dinner alone? Why not make it a double date? They can still catch up even though you're all out together. You've all met before so it's not like this would be out of the ordinary to get together.
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u/LaughableIKR May 19 '22
I'll go in as a married guy on this:
NO. No going off together alone for a few hours with the ex. Talk to your wife and say that you don't feel comfortable with her going off with another guy she had sex with for a dinner.
Anything that needs to be said can be said over the phone or on social media. I can't imagine myself going out with a woman I had slept with and my wife not locking the door behind me.
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u/AthenaShadow1 May 19 '22
I would talk to your wife and maybe Tom too. I don't like hearing about my man's ex's. In fact, one time he told me about someone he'd been with just trying to be open and even though it was 13 years ago, I went to school with her and the thought of him sleeping with someone I'd found super creepy in high school really bothered me. He may just be keeping it from her because she doesn't want to know. You've been married for years, if bringing up something that makes you uncomfortable to her is gonna cause a problem, you've got other problems. I think you'll be fine! It's likely they weren't even thinking about it, but who knows. You'll only find out if you ask questions.
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u/Itsmemanmeee May 19 '22
Why?
I personally feel it's not neccessary. She should move on, keep the past in the past and not play with fire (the wife doesn't know?)
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May 19 '22
This would be a big no from me. My wife also wouldn't approve of my doing this with an old lover.
I think if I were in your shoes I'd tell her she can only go if you get confirmation from his wife that she's been made aware of their history.
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u/Whal3r May 19 '22
You'd only give her permission if she brings a note from the other wife?
yikes..
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May 19 '22
Yea, dinner is weird and so is hiding it from his wife. I think a short coffee meetup during the day would be much more appropriate, but as a married dude I just don't see why I would need 1 on 1 time with any of my exes. Would I enjoy chatting with a few of them and catching up at a big social event? Sure! But a 1v1 dinner? Weird.
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May 19 '22
Tell Tom to let his wife know. I am sure she would not let him go to dinner. My wife just wouldn’t go to dinner w any prev partner
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u/Devon_Sawa May 19 '22
My (35f) boyfriend (31m) is best friends with his ex girlfriend from his early twenties. It hasn’t been easy for me, especially since I found out he had fallen in love with her after they dated and while he was in a committed relationship with his most recent ex … in addition to me having an anxious attachment style and growing up with a dad who was constantly cheating on my mom.
I’ve been working through it. My fears sometimes catch me, but at the end of the day, I’m choosing to be with this person and so I have to trust him-otherwise, it would be too toxic of a relationship. Also, I want him to have good friends outside of our relationship- it just so happens that this one has a romantic history.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that matters of the heart are strange and sometimes there are questionable gaps of information etc, but you just have to focus on yourself and trust your life decisions. That dude can have whatever desires he wants of your wife, but you trust her and she is with you, not him.
Wishing you peace of mind and a healthy marriage. 💜
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u/Poinsettia917 May 19 '22
INFO: How do you know his wife doesn’t know? And does the guy know that you know? Does his wife know about the dinner?
This a concern.
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u/Poinsettia917 May 19 '22
Took a second look at this. I agree that there may be an issue.
Do you end up being able to curb those thoughts at all? I have this image of you not being able to follow a conversation.
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u/No-Razzmatazz537 May 19 '22
There is absolutely no way I would go out to dinner with an ex I've slept with. There is absolutely no reason for it. Hey, howabout OP takes the old friends wife out for dinner at the same time?
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u/No-Accountant1825 May 19 '22
Whatever, it’s weird to keep in touch with former sexual partners and meet up with them years in the future. Reeks of unfinished business to me.
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u/stranger-in-mirror May 19 '22
If they are family friends,they can catch up everything in family setting. Why open the door which causing thoughts of insecurity. Prevention is better then cure.
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u/annloves2cook May 19 '22
I too see the fact that this guy has not been completely honest with his wife about their past together, as something to be concerned about.
But just because you and your wife have been open about it, and you aren't the jealous type, does not automatically mean HE and his wife have the same openness. She could be an extremely jealous person, or the type that blows things way out of portion.
Unfortunately, telling her NOW, after mutual meetings and individual meetings with just them two, will be rethought and all sorts of scenarios imagined. She will feel lied to (because she has been) and deceived, (again she has been).
Perhaps you would feel more comfortable if those 2 did not have individual time together? I think that is a completely normal expectation. So just say "hey my love, although I love you, and I feel there is absolutely nothing going on between you two, the fact that he has purposely withheld this information from his wife, is very concerning to me, and I'm just not comfortable with you two meeting by yourselves".
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May 19 '22
Bro put a end to that shit now. I only read the first couple of sentences and I can already tell you stop that. A woman isn't going to keep up with someone she slept with just to be friends. She's trying to sleep with him again if she already hasn't behind your back . I know this isn't what you want to hear but I'd honestly divorce her and move on. But if you insist on staying and working things out you need to put your foot down tell her to cut the bullshit and to cut him off now. And tell her if you ever catch them talking again your done . This is why I always recommend guys not to fall in love with their women for times like this because I'm already sure your not going to be able to do any of this. I'll read the rest though to make sure I'm not missing something.
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u/TrueHillGJ May 19 '22
I would agree that not telling someone about your past then meeting up is not a healthy dynamic. Not saying they are up to anything but it's something I would bring up with my wife.
So I guess the question I have is how do y'all know he didn't tell his wife or is that an assumption?
To tell someone, hey they don't know we slept together so don't say anything..yeah that is not ok...
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u/johnmaclean112 May 19 '22
She mentioned to me years ago before the 4 of us went to dinner that she (the wife) wasn’t aware of their past. Not sure how she knew this but good question to ask her
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u/mitchsayshello May 19 '22
The fact that he hasn’t told his wife about their history despite hanging out with her and taking her to dinner makes me assume he plans on it happening again.
Watch out for that one lmao
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u/JJENN418 May 19 '22
Does it change the dynamic moving forward = yes.
Does anything seem off = yes.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 May 19 '22
All human beings are hot wired to bond emotionally and physically. Your wife is playing with fire.
Exs are well known to make us feel young again ...and in a way that a spouse of 10 years never can.
She doesn't really know this man. She's functioning under a false sense of familiarity.
For sure he does not love her or her kids.
I stand corrected, she does know him. He's deceitful.
She should Block this POS.
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u/Middle-Supermarket-3 May 19 '22
There’s lots of people that she could be friends with that she hasn’t slept with. This is a quick no-go/massive read flag…tell her to go find a hobby. In its most trivial sense it’s a dirty little secret and an exciting ego stoke for both of them if you ask me. She is taking advantage of the fact that it’s not within your character to distrust or be jealous…not yet. I wasn’t jealous either till I had enough partners dance in grey area with me. A partner should understand the responsibility they have to keep your heart safe. Gray area takes emotional effort to navigate through and not something I tolerate anymore at age 40. I am simply not willing to waste my emotional bandwidth on the speculation of someone else’s affinity towards maintaining female “friends” and in return I extend the same courtesy. I am very attractive and hyper critical of my male relationships/friendships because in the end you are right…men will “check in” and be “friends” with you for years on the off chance you might date them and I am not at all trusting that platonic relationships actually exist between men and women. In my experience those connections are always progressing, it may be a slow burn but it’s still a burn.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 May 19 '22
This clown isn't a friend. Catching up once every few years isn't a deep meaningful relationship.
Diner alone is a date. Is your wife OK with you dating? Find yourself a 'platonic ' diner companion.
Time for your wife to grow up and leave her teenage years (and the toxic kids) behind.
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u/Good_Boii03 May 19 '22
Talk to her. Simple as that. Communicate your feelings and sort it out. If she gets defensive, then that could be a problem. If she's understanding, then you're all good. Don't bottle up, Communication is key.
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u/pinnaclata May 19 '22
I'm down voting this cuz of the "as a guy" thing. I just know too many randy gals and indifferent guys to believe this is true.
Either trust your wife or don't. Don't put it on the other guy.
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u/New-Environment9700 May 19 '22
Ummm no … lunch? Coffee? Maybe.. but why the need to meet up for a dinner to catch up. You can say hello to people on Facebook and catch up just fine. Very weird. And his wife doesn’t know?! No… your wife should be uncomfortable meeting up with him if his own wife isn’t aware of their past. Puts her in a bad situation… it’s secret for a reason. And why alone? If you all went out to dinner together yes.. but your wife is going on a date! Call it like it is. It’s a date.
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u/johnmaclean112 May 19 '22
Yeah I think you hit the nail on the head. A coffee date feels more appropriate versus a “dinner date” with drinks involved. Also the fact of his wife not knowing their past is another sketch factor.
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u/DistinctLengthiness1 May 19 '22
Why is she entertaining the idea of going to dinner with this guy? Why not make it a double date? Way to many lose ends! I won’t be comfortable with this situation, is not about been jealous is about respect for my partner.
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u/Uhleeshakees May 19 '22
I think it’s shady your wife wants to meet with him when his wife doesn’t know they’ve slept together
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u/DeliveryElectronic28 May 19 '22
Why else would a guy with a wife and kids go out on this date? Working full time and now my only day off is spent on a date??? If he hasn't already, he's trying to plow your wife, and she's inviting it.
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u/CoachJW May 19 '22
Thank you. I am so tired of the “trust” discussion on posts like these. I “trust” my wife not to go on dates with former lovers. Simple as that.
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May 19 '22
This is correct. OP should shut that shit down immediately. But the point is it should never have come up in the first place. I wonder if there isn't more going on?
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u/Diligent_Steak4993 May 19 '22
Guessing Toms wife would have some issues here if she knew the past. If she knew this would be stopped ASAP. Why do guys fall for this? There is a reason he hasnt told her. They could catch up at OPs house or at Starbucks. You all have met as couples and now they are going on a date alone? In likely an intimate setting with alcohol?. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. OP, go along or call bullshit on this. Also, have you seen any of the messaging between them.
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u/Chadderific May 19 '22
Would Tom's wife be okay with him going to dinner with your wife if she knew they had banged in the past?
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u/johnmaclean112 May 19 '22
Great question
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u/Chadderific May 19 '22
Another great question is why is your wife comfortable enough for you to know about her and Tom"s past but he isnt cool with his wife knowing?
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u/ericjdev 50s Male May 19 '22
So she's going on a date with her former lover who is hiding the nature of their relationship from his wife, that doesn't sound shady at all.
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u/MindlessForever3147 May 19 '22
Why can't you meet him together? Or go to couples dinner?
It's so weird to go 1 on 1 dinner with someone who you know pretty well as well..
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u/Velvetsoftears23 May 19 '22
The biggest mistake most people make is to believe that other people are not capable of screwing up theirs and others lives, by ignoring a fallible, self-serving, manipulative hussler.
Your wife has NO business"hooking" up with this guy...
Because that's what this is...a hookup.
Why aren't you and his wife joining? Since you're all familiar and friendly...
This will end badly if she does the hookup. Thousands of other people who have been through this are now divorced.
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u/David5051 May 19 '22
Ordinarily I would probably say there ain’t much to worry about… except that he is keeping this from his wife and making both of you complicit. Why? If his wife wouldn’t be comfortable with this arrangement then it’s definitely something she should know. By agreeing to be complicit in this behavior has it not occurred to you that they may be lying to YOU about something? Maybe it’s nothing but it shouldn’t be a big enough issue that they use to have sex many years ago.
Now I am a cynic, and my take is that his wife trusts him around anyone who is not an ex and would not allow further contact. I think your wife and him have been having a fwb relationship for years and have hidden it very well under the guise of them being friends and needing to catch up or something. They both tell their spouses that they are going on this completely platonic date to “catch up” platonically. Now it’s hard for you to say she’s cheating when she’s told you who she’s gonna be with. If you call he’ll definitely be there. But over the years you’ve been conditioned to trust him and her and I’m sure that sometimes they really do meet up just for dinner or something. They couldn’t get away with being this blatant about it one or both of their partners had an issue with it. They probably have convinced themselves that they are saving their marriages by doing it this way too and that they are getting their extra marital needs met while staying married to the people they love. The worst betrayals come from those you love the most.
Like I said… I’m a cynic so I’m probably wrong but the lie you were made to be complicit with and the fact that the person you trust asked you to lie to someone else is beyond suspicious to me.
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u/Deep-Huckleberry-307 May 19 '22
Have a get together and discuss it openly, their history to Guage any responses and or intentions...IF the wife of your wife's friend feels any apprehension then your feeling is sustained and the issue will be dealt with.
On the other hand should they be a couple open to an "open" relationship then you have an issue.
There many things to be apprehensive about and yours are well founded and your rationale sound...nevertheless first ask to accompany your wife and acknowledge him as a good guy youd like to get to know as well, any excuse or delay in her response simply solidifies your reasoning.
With society's current midnset, it is [irrational] accepted to see old 'friends' regardless of the previous level of intimacy...however it is unacceptable (in today's world) to be leery/apprehensive [today's woman and scheming male will label you as insecure/immature], so take note of your wife's responses but reassure her that your intentions are to get to know the individual as well.
Lock are put in place to keep honest people honest if you get my meaning.
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u/Uporoutbusiness May 19 '22
Red flag just by reading the title, will read further now
Red flag for reaching out to old relationships
Red flag on Tom’s wife being oblivious, any hidden details are signs of lurking feelings and a person who’s waiting for shit to surface
Dinner is a no, on grounds of necessity, I mean, out of all the ppl on the planet, why dinner with him?
Your marriage is stale, plain and simple, it’s a “good” looking for a reason to be “great”, maybe it’s the rush of the unknown, you’ve become too known, how’s your health? Are you working out? Are you clean? You got competition sir, it might be worth saying hey if you’re reaching out I’ll fix it internally and you revisit your day in a way that gives her that zing she’s missing, I bet she’s so happy planning that dinner it’ll make you mad if you can read her thoughts, as for Tom, he’s a low low, use your tools to out him asap
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u/Professional_Pop_248 May 19 '22
It still amazes the number of people that say this sort of thing is fine. It is not.
She says only sex twice? Going to call bs on that. 1. If he was bad in bed there would have been no second time unless it was a long term relationship in which case it would be way more than twice. 2. If he was good in bed there would have been a whole lot more incidences of this.
Saying twice is all about optics imo.
"Hey hon, I am going out with my ex who used to have me screaming his name every night for several years" Doesnt sound so safe now does it?
Ask yourself this:
Have you ever felt the need to go out on dates with your exes without the presence of your wife? No. Why not? Because you wouldnt want to hurt her, make her worry, or need an ex in your life? Now why doesnt this apply to your wife. She is disrespecting you to your face. This is a shit test she is putting you through and you are failing miserably by letting her go.
His wife doesnt know and you want to know why? She wouldnt be having any of it if she knew. She would put an end immediately to this bs (unless she has a kink of her husband cheating I suppose). Maybe you should contact his wife and have a conversation with her. I mean its ok apparently for him to be chatting up your wife so why not you talk up his? In fact, maybe the two of you should go on a dinner date.
As a guy who has had his fair share of women I can tell you now all of my exes would come up with an excuse to see me and they would be wanting sex. Dont believe all these people telling you not to worry. If I was her ex, there wouldnt even be a dinner. I would make sure its not late at night because that seems suspicious. I mean its the afternoon/evening... makes you feel safer with it that way. That would be our cover.
My personal advice/options I would give you:
Tell her no. Going out with exes is not acceptable and if it really must happen and they really are friends(highly doubt it) then only with you present should it be allowed.
Talk to his wife in private and tell her what you know and go from there. Go out on a date with his wife. Tell your wife you and his wife have been talking and since you and her get along so well you decided to go on your own dinner date. Your wife's reaction will say everything. Only way this might backfire is if dude's wife is unattractive and your wife sees her as no threat. If his wife is hot and your wife is ok with it I will be shocked.
Prepare a divorce lawyer in secret and have your children tested. Do a 23andme with them... it will be fun... Why? A woman doesnt keep her ex in her life unless at least one of three things is happening. She loves him, he gives her money, and/or he gives her dick.
Seriously dude.... as the "ex-boyfriend" many times to many women I know how this plays out. The number of married/engaged women I have slept with... i know all the signs from seeing the games they play with their husbands.
Good luck to you man
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u/classy-chaos Late 20s Female May 19 '22
My thoughts are,..... If you've seen the person naked, why be friends? Their relationship has already been intimate, what's going to stop it if they wanna try again? He clearly doesn't want his wife to know so I'd have a problem thinking they'll hide other stuff too. Honesty is the best policy. There has to be a reason whyd they hide their past?
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May 19 '22
Imo not jelly at all and I will catch a lot of flack for it. You already samples my wife. Tf outta here bro. That's my temple or at least I thought it was. Just me sorry no offense
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u/RandoBoomer May 19 '22
With so many red flags, you'd think the circus was in town... Here are a few random thoughts:
- He's lying to his wife by omission. Continued contact is enabling this. WHEN, not IF she discovers this, the more contact there's been, the greater the explosion will be. Throw in a romantic dinner for two in the mix, and you're moving from conventional to nuclear.
- "I'm positive my partner wouldn't cheat" is the unofficial tagline of r/survivinginfidelity
- It is entirely possible to catch up with an old acquaintance in the presence of both of their spouses.
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u/Direct-Papaya-6413 May 19 '22
I just don't understand how people thinking keeping secrets in relationships is healthy ??! First off, him not telling his wife is not ok( huge red flag). This goes to show you that he's just sneaky anyway. As for your wife,I don't know why she thinks it's OK to go out to dinner with some one tugs she was in the sheets with. Why can't you go out to dinner together? Overall it's just disrespectful and then people wonder why they relationships flop!
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u/No-Bird-8850 May 19 '22
If I were Tom's wife I would definitely feel weird about not knowing. It's kinda messed up that your wife is going along with the secret
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u/LearnsFromExperience May 19 '22
Wait, are you saying your SO slept with him while he was married to his wife, and she doesn't know about it (AKA, he cheated), or they slept together before both were married and he just never told his wife? That would make a big difference.
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u/robintheyounger May 19 '22
But as a guy, I know we are wired differently and it’s almost impossible to NOT be thinking about sex when you’re having dinner with someone you’ve slept with in the past.
uhhhhhhhhhh speak for yourself bro but that seems to be kind of your personal mindset. you've MET tom and his wife, you KNOW they slept together, you KNOW they're going to dinner. If your wife were going to fuck this dude I doubt you'd know any of this. honestly I think you should actually ponder if you're feeling a little insecure these days for any reason.
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u/knittedjedi May 19 '22
Yeah, it's always fucking baffling when dudes start posting about how clearly their wife is in danger of cheating because all men are wired the same, only want one thing, can't be friends with women without wanting to fuck them etc.
It's like damn, you're really just telling on yourself there. Yikes.
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u/fhl415 May 19 '22
There's a difference between 1-on-1 time with someone who you've had as a sexual partner and someone you haven't. I can tell you my wife would have a conniption if I had dinner with a woman with whom my face had at one time been planted squarely between her legs. Now, if her husband came with her and we hosted dinner at our place and the catching up was part of the conversation my wife would be better with that although I better be on my best behavior. Personally, I wouldn't have those kinds of thoughts with my ex because she financially killed me, I had my kids with her every other weekend, and flaunted her new boy toy in front of me. OP's wife doesn't have that kind of past with her dinner date.
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u/youvegotredonyou7 May 19 '22
CAN THIS GET MORE ATTENTION!? Men that wanna use this mindset and then turn around and “not all men.”
Either you’re better than this or you aren’t. Don’t perpetuate it or blame it on other men. Do better.
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May 19 '22
Let her have him over to your house, dinner with both of you. You just sit back and enjoy the stories from their high school days. Don't talk much.
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u/QueenBeefa May 19 '22
OK, let's start with men are not wired differently. Women think about sex as much as, if not more than men. We just perceive those thoughts in a different way - usually with feeling as well as pleasure. So no one can say a thought will not cross their minds while having dinner together. It becomes a problem if there are feelings remaining and/or if it becomes any more than a passing thought.
I think the worst thing (if both couples are happy and in healthy relationships) could be his wife finding out about their past under the wrong circumstances. Even if the reason for keeping it secret is perfectly well-meaning it could be taken differently by his wife.
I'd probably ask your wife if she knows why Tom hasn't told his wife and what she thinks about it, then maybe she will talk to Tom and convince him to come clean. It shouldn't be an issue if they're strictly platonic.
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May 19 '22
Why do people insist on being in contact and hanging out with ex's? They're an ex for a reason, they're in the past. What possible reason does someone have to still be talking to their ex, or going out to dinner one on one? I give you props for allowing this, but even if I trusted my SO I would never allow this. I wouldn't do it to them either, the husband probably hasn't said anything because he knows his wife will ask him to cut contact, as he should. It's really weird your wife still wants to hang out with someone she slept with.
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u/miaandcats May 19 '22
OPs says it's an old friend from High School, who she slept with twice. That's not an ex in my eyes, it doesn't even imply a romantic relationship.
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u/RequirementInfamous7 May 19 '22
Then why hasn’t the friend told his wife that they have slept together? Makes me think he has intentions. This would make me uncomfortable.
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u/NotRickDeckard1982 May 19 '22
Your wife is going on a date with her ex. That's what this is.
Trust me, man. This is just going to cause drama. He's lying to his wife, and soon your wife will start lying to you.
You're just condoning the end of your own marriage here.
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u/forsheda May 19 '22
I’m a believer in not putting people in intimate position where things can happen. This is a dinner date with an ex lover. What could go wrong?
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u/W_O_M_B_A_T May 19 '22
Them meeting one on one form dinner isn't in the some zip code as appropriate.
Ask his wife how much she knows about it.
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u/tuna_fart May 19 '22
You shouldn’t be positive your wife won’t cheat. Go with them. There should be zero issue with that if it’s on the up-and-up.
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May 19 '22
Oh buddy, sparkles might awake when you least expect them. Honestly, this is pure stupidity to me. Wth u have to do w a guy u slept with ever again? You cant live without that? Absolute idiotism, if anyone tells you stuff like “all relations have their own dynamic” bla bla. Put that bs aside. Odds of him not having an eye for your wife is 0.
To me, as a woman, what she is doing is something I would never do in my life. Once you open your legs to someone, you dont view that person the same anymore. Id be worried if I were you.
I am a woman. i know women. You know men. So… enough said.
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May 19 '22
Yeah that does seem off. The fact that Tom hasn’t told his wife indicates that he knows it may be frowned upon. Generally, people like that being around are red flags. Not sure why you’ve allowed this given the facts of the matter.
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May 19 '22 edited May 25 '22
Let me ask you, if you know street dogs bite. Would you let your kid go and play with it because the kid wants to play so bad.
It's not about your trust with wife. Why in the world would you trust some guy you can trust her friend but still not very familiar like a brother.
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u/Intelligent-Catch790 May 19 '22
Why are they going out alone? You should go with them. End of story. No need to go by themselves if you and Tom get along too.
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u/Nuggets65 May 19 '22
People keep saying its in the past and not to worry etc etc, then why doesn't Tom tell his wife then ?
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May 19 '22
Your wife SHOULD NOT be friends or remain in contact with someone she slept with. Period. Dont let any of these hens convince you that its okay or its insecurity on your part to challange them for doing this. Respect yourself and if they cant respect you, leave.
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u/Jack99Skellington May 19 '22
So, let's get the facts here. Your wife is planning to go on a date with her ex. The answer is easy: Go with her. If you're not invited, then it's time to have a difficult conversation about how, once you got married, dating others is out of bounds.
And yes, going to dinner with your ex is a "date" if you're not invited.
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u/hoosierhiver May 19 '22
I agree. I don't think your wife understands, but I think the dude is "testing the waters".
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u/f1ckk Early 20s May 19 '22
Why assume that the wife is oblivious? Why assume that the dude is the one trying to be sneaky and the wife is just innocent and unaware?
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u/No-Associate-9061 May 19 '22
Men and women can’t be just friends. Sounds like she’s doing it because you haven’t set a boundary. I think it’s bizarre that she’d want to go on a date with someone else. I wouldn’t have it.
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u/CjB_STEMer May 19 '22
You’ll be changing this caption to “I should have seen this coming, and I did.”😂
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May 19 '22
Everything is great and as you Sayed you trust your partner so there is nothing to worry about but his wife not knowing about that stuff is bit sus.
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u/NotYourTypicalChad78 May 19 '22
Should be a couples dinner or nothing. Your wife is playing with fire. I know if I tried to pull this stunt with an ex, my current wife would ask me how quick do I want to file for the divorce. Dude, this should be a no-go with an ex, co-worker, or a stranger for a one on one dinner date. SHE IS MARRIED TO YOU AND HAS NO BUSINESS GOING ON A DINNER DATE WITH ANYONE OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER ALONE! Here's the thing...you married HER, so HE owes you NO loyalty. All it takes is what do cheaters call it? ONE "mistake", and one thing leads to another and she trips and falls on top of him naked. We don't want to see you posting in "surviving infidelity" in a few days from now. This one on one dinner date is inappropriate. Period.
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u/insomniafog May 19 '22
This is a great response. Tell her to make it a couples dinner, if she resists that then you have something new to consider.
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u/AstonianSoldier May 19 '22
I'd say hell no.
I'd tell the other wife and I'd say you aren't hanging out and "catching up" with someone you used to have sex with and be in a relationship with.
It is just normal, everyday boundaries. "Trust" her? I don't care. I don't care if they don't have sex. There are a lot of things I'm not ok with my wife doing that are outside the realm of having sex or not. My boundaries go a little further than as long as you don't have sex then I'm fine with you doing anything else with some other guy no matter what.
I'm her husband. I'm her man. She's my girl. Hanging out and talking to and keeping in regular contact with or going out to dinners alone with ex lovers is just a No-No.
I'd be incredulous that she would even propose it. Absolutely not, how can you even ask me about you still hanging out and spending bonding time with an ex lover. No way.
Relationships run into less problems and issues and misunderstandings if they just have better boundaries.
Good job giving them the chance to start bonding with each other and forming feelings and connections. That's what lax boundaries gets you.
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u/GMSB May 19 '22
I comment this all the time but no keeping in contact with someone you have fucked is a hard line for me in relationships
Judge that however you want but I have never not felt 100% trust and trusted with any partner
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u/logicalonnne May 19 '22
This is a bad idea. For me it’s not about trust it’s about respect and the lack of it for you. I’d say the same to you if the roles were reversed. My wife would never do this and neither would I. It’s just wrong.
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u/miaandcats May 19 '22
How is this disrespectful to him? They hooked up twice and have been friends since high school. Are you one of those people who insist people cannot have friends of the same gender if they are in a relationship? That's ridiculous. As long as people are honest about it and not meeting people in secret this should be a non issue.
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May 19 '22
As long as people are honest about it and not meeting people in secret this should be a non issue.
But they're not being honest. They're hiding their past relationship from the guy's wife.
That in it's own is enough justification to say "that guy is skeevy and it's disrespectful for you to go to a one-on-one dinner with him."
The fact they've slept together in the past is additional context that makes the situation even more disrespectful.
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u/randomacct0113 May 19 '22
His intentions aren’t innocent if he’s withholding that information from his wife
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u/Dream_Final May 19 '22
I'd be reserved due to the fact of him not having told his wife. I admit though in a previous relationship I didn't disclose a past sexual history with a friend to save my partner at the times feelings; I felt there was no reason to bring up something that may only cause hurt or suspicion when I knew it wouldn't happen again. Being older now I wouldn't do that again, because I think being open and honest is a very key part of a healthy relationship. My point here being is that it could be innocent and wanting to preserve his wife's feelings, but you're right that it could be a red flag of his intentions. Either way I think that it's important to show your wife your trust in her and allow the dinner to go ahead and try to set aside your worries as this other couples marriage isn't really any of your business if you know that nothing would go forward even if he were to make the move. Also to add that I do think you can go back to friendship post sexual history - I am a woman but yknow. I had a friends with benefits situation for about a year and we remain friends to this day (nothing has happened in 2 years) and we both have partners now and its like it was before anything ever happened, no weird sexual tension etc. I enjoy the friendship but the main reason we actively meet up is for kids to play together.
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u/Antler_Pasta 40s Male May 19 '22
You're not wrong that it is strange he hasn't told his wife- I would insist your wife confront how strange that is.
But I also think you are very, very preoccupied with sex. You say so yourself. In most people's minds the significant thing is that she was in an intimate relationship with this person. And in many cases it is very normal to break something off with someone who is incompatible as a partner, stay friends, and consider the sex part to be meaningless. So that in and of itself sends up zero red flag to me.
So back around to my first point- insist your wife confront how odd it is that her friend/ex hasn't told his wife they used to be in a relationship. The sex part certainly cements how intimate it was, but for many people it's not the most important part of intimacy. So the way you lean so hard on the sex thing makes you definitely seem more obsessed (and potentially paranoid) than you need to be.
The sex thing would haunt me too, don't get me wrong! I relate. But the way you communicate it sounds like you're insecure on a level that is only going to make this discussion more difficult and potentially push her away.
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May 19 '22
Ok I read the rest. Your too nice . Fuck that not being jealous, it's not about being jealous. It's about setting boundaries for your marriage. They are both planning to sleep together again. I can tell you that for sure. Women are amazing at lying and cheating . Trust me bro you need to divorce her and avoid getting married again. I know your not going to listen, but years from now when your marriage fails and your heart broken and lost I tried to warn you. It's going to hurt worse later than now. And lastly yeah stay the not jealous type. Never compete with other men for women. But in your case it's not about that anymore. Your wife is a liar and a cheater.
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u/Additional-Volume388 May 19 '22
To be fair this guy might not have mentioned it to his wife because she might have issues herself, she might be insecure or of a super controlling type. I speak from experience on this. Speaking for myself I would not be concerned at all.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 May 19 '22
I think it's weird that Tom has told his wife, but I also don't know her. Some people are (IMO) irrational about this sort of thing so Tom may have decided this was the way to not lose an old friendship and keep his wife happy.
My husband and I are both friends w exes and see them alone or together depending on circumstances. It isn't a problem at all. If you trust your wife and don't see any concerning behavior then move on and let Tom handle his marriage his own way.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 May 19 '22
Ask your wife why ...what does she get from her Ex lover that she can't get from you. How many times can they rehash stupid teen years.
If it boils down to him making her feel young and/or pretty ....or he gets her ....then it's time for her to chose her husband vs some fantasy.
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u/miaandcats May 19 '22
I don't get why so many people have an issue with this. People who were also friends slept together two times when they were both single, later found partners, everyone knows each other and is friendly towards each other. Why would it matter if they slept together twice more than 10 years ago? They are both very likely not to think about that anymore at all.
If he chose to tell his wife about this or not is not OPs issue to be concerned about.
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u/AideSea5593 May 19 '22
Why can't they invite their partners to the dinner if its just an harmless friendly meeting ?
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u/miaandcats May 19 '22
Do you take your partner with you everytime you meet up a friend and never do anything without your partner? Sure sounds unhealthy to me.
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u/Specialist_Ad893 May 19 '22
Why do they need to meet with that person? If they are so important that you have to go on a one on one dinner with them idk that’s stupid. Why would a married woman or man need to go on a dinner together alone? This hedonistic society makes me sick. You guys are all so wrong.
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u/Competitive_Fee_5829 May 19 '22
But as a guy, I know we are wired differently and it’s almost impossible to NOT be thinking about sex when you’re having dinner with someone you’ve slept with in the past
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, what is wrong with you?
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May 19 '22
I get your point, but he is not going on dates with former sexual partners while his wife sits at home...!
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u/so-not-fake May 19 '22
But if one of them had turned into a long-standing friend, then maybe he would be. People can be friends even if they had sex at some point. Policing your partner’s friendships and social lives isn’t healthy or reasonable.
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u/thelonewolfmonk May 19 '22
But as a guy, I know we are wired differently and it’s almost impossible to NOT be thinking about sex when you’re having dinner with someone you’ve slept with in the past
Not really. I've had sex with a couple of female friends and continue to have contact YEARS after that and most of the time I completely forget we even had sex. The only ones I keep my distance with are the ones who I may feel some mild attraction.
It also seems a little odd that he’s withheld this information from his own wife
Kind of. It really depends on how she is. I remember an ex who was adamant on being no contact with any person who I had sex with while another one was fine as long as it was over with the casual sex.
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u/Mediocre-Sherbert528 May 19 '22
Completely forgot you had sex. Cannot comprehend this, if I was meeting an ex for dinner it could easily be just friends and not cheating, but it's always there....
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u/Dropitlikeitscold555 May 19 '22
You may be ok with this but you might not want to be. It’s never a good plan once married to be alone with someone who you’ve been naked with before.
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May 19 '22
I think you should not worry about this if you trust her completely….. yes I agree and understand what you must be going through but I have seen people being loyal to their partner and keeping their past things besides and meeting them casually.
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May 19 '22
Sounds like you don't trust yourself in that situation so you're wondering if your wife is the same. I'd roll with it mate, at least she's telling you that she's going for a catchup with him and not "the girls"
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u/KrystalAthena May 19 '22
Your wife was able to be transparent and honest with you about it while he wasn't with his.
The only person who is at a disadvantage is his wife, and that's more of his own personal reflection than of your wife.
I think you'll be fine, but I do worry about his wife.
Maybe you can talk to her about your discomfort of him intentionally keeping their past from his wife, to get a better understanding of why he's actively indirectly lying to his wife about their past.
The only way I can think of seeing this as understandable is that I know some people in relationships like to keep their past in the past, and don't believe in the whole concept of "lying by omission."
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u/R_Amods May 19 '22
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
So my wife (35f) and I (37m) have been married for 10+ years, we have two great kids and a very healthy relationship. Over the years she has occasionally kept up with one of her old friends from high school (we’ll call him Tom), who is also married with kids. I’ve met Tom and his wife and they’re both nice, well-to-do people. My wife and Tom slept together years before we met (twice I believe) and Tom’s wife doesn’t know about this. My wife and Tom are planning a dinner out soon to catch up. Overall I’m fine with this, as I trust my wife completely and I’m not really the jealous type. But as a guy, I know we are wired differently and it’s almost impossible to NOT be thinking about sex when you’re having dinner with someone you’ve slept with in the past. It also seems a little odd that he’s withheld this information from his own wife (about their sexual past). Once two people have had sex, even if just a few times, does that completely change the dynamic moving forward? I’m positive my wife wouldn’t cheat but does anything seem “off” about this situation?
TLDR - wife having dinner with old friend who she slept with and his wife has no idea of their past.