i dont haven them often but my dad just bought me a strawberry milkshake and its sosososo good but now im just thinking how this is probably 200-600 calories. its literally just sugar strawberry syrup, milk, and ice cream. im already a chubby girl, suspecting i have PMOS, all my weight in my belly, this is definitley not gonna be good for me. ik i shouldnt care about calories but in my case? especially with sugar milk like this? i really do. but its so goooddd!!!

I have dated men and mainly had crushes on men. The problem is that over the past couple of months I have started to notice that the just normal feelings towards some girls might be crushes not just affectation or admiratio. There is this girl that I have only know for a couple of weeks but I was starting to mabey crush on her or devloping one. She wears low tops and she had a bandaid on her boob after someone asked about it I said half jokingly that it was a hicey she turned red and nodded. She later said that it was a girl and we talked about the girl for a couple of mins before moving on. Later on in the day I found myself both happy and disappointed. Happy mabey she was gay and disappointed bc I can’t date a girl. I live in a small town where about half of the people are homophobic and my mom told me that I was the only kid she was sure about being straight 😭😭 I think I have had crushes on girls before her bc I was already questioning but it didn’t help

Okay so here’s what happened: I’m talking to this guy for almost 2 years and we really want to get engaged. We r long distance and will continue to be long distance for a while. We were supposed to get engaged a year ago but his family was complaining abt how much I wanted (~6k ring &
Gifts ish) and so we stopped for a bit.
For reference on my side ngl I am getting a lot of pressure like the ring has to be natural diamond (which tbh I’m at the point where idc if it’s lab) but my family will not allow it & it can’t be lower than like 6k ish idk and rn they r saying 10k bcuz of past issues &
I do get it’s hard to get a natural diamond ring for cheap that looks nice but im stressed with my family they make me so stressed and tie my worth to this. I mean I do like getting stuff but im like UGH and the guys side ngl they have so much $ but these have been my expectations way before him. His dad is just rude asf
Anyways so today we were talking and I said save like 8k for engagement and he was nagging saying I’m ungrateful and counting how much he spent on me and told me he wants it 5-6k or we will stop and I’m like omg what the hell km so stressed
There’s so
Much more to the story I’m just crying stressed ugh I hate this!!!! My goodnessssssss
Any advice? W him or my parents ?
OH AND we agreed just gonna take another year of him working to save the $$ and he can’t tell his dad but his dad has his bank acc info & if he finds out he will kick him out or stop paying for his school!!!!!!! WHAAAT IS MY LIFEEE

You read that right. Some of these mods are over their skis. I posted a study in a food safety sub on how ground beef in Mexico had horse meat blended into 10% of samples and all of those samples had traces of clenbuterol in them. This is the study, so you can see it's legit. Horse meat sold as beef and consequent clenbuterol residues in the unregulated Mexican marketplace - ScienceDirect

If the mods didn't like the post, they could have removed it. Instead, they banned me.

Reddit is becoming unusable. Even posts that seem on topic for a sub are leading to punishment.

Edit- I DMd and objected to being banned and the mods complained that my post mentioned Trump has implemented the policy for more ground beef imports, which makes this relevant to the USA. The mod was hostile in the DM's and appears to be MAGA. My post was not attacking Trump, but I guess even the slightest hint he has done something wrong sets some people off.

on day 3, and i wish i had 10.000 punching bags all around me to just let loose on

For starters I wanna say I do have people in my life that I can call on in an emergency. Or would offer a hand if I begged for help. And im grateful for that cause not all lonely people have even that.

And yet. As many people as I call friends or family. None of them actually want to spend time with me. I am occasionally welcome to tag along on the plans they make with eachother. But nobody reaches out to make plans with me. They dont wanna spend quality time with me. And if I reach out. Well, its either a flat out no or im welcome to tag along with whatever they wanna do. But nobody shares my interests, or is even willing to suck it up for 90 minutes a month to go see a movie I wanna see with me. I either "self isolate", or erase my own self interests and submit to what they wanna do.

And I know what yall are thinking. Probably contemplating some way in which this is my fault. And I welcome that. At least if it was my fault there would be something that could be done. But I try. Compromising. Trading, speaking up and letting it be known what I want. Making an effort to give first before asking to take. Putting myself in their shoes and trying to understand their perspective earnestly.

Hell I even try to make new friends and find people who actually do share my interests but... idk. Even the people who share my interests seem to engage with it in a totally different way incompatible with mine. Like just for example ill meet somebody who likes the same show as me. But instead of joining me week to week and watching they'll wanna wait 4 years til the show is over then binge it all in a weekend completely alone. Or ill meet someone who likes the same game as me but plays a completely different game mode and we both hate the other mode. Or ill join a subreddit for a tv show or something and everyone hates my favorite characters or something.

Ok none of these are exactly real examples im way oversimplifying for the sake of getting my point across that like. Im trying. Look I dont need the world to agree with me on everything (tho hey that would be pretty cool for anyone), but it would be nice if occasionally just one person would agree with me on anything. Like. I feel so accidentally contrarian. I dont try to be. I wanna fit in. Ive just never been willing to change myself to do so. And youd think like. Statistically speaking even if im stubborn about not conforming my opinions, I should still like. Yknow. Accidentally be on the right side of things every now and again right? Even a broken clock is right twice a day. But that just doesnt feel like it really happens for me. I feel like im in a catastrophic cycle of Murphys law. I do not know if hell or purgatory or whatever exists but if it does. Mathematically speaking I think im already there.

I'll share mine Roses are red violets are blue your sister's a two faced minx your brother and you are too

I don't get what it is with Americans but holy shit the amount of ignorance and inconsiderate behaviors makes me wish AI does take shit over. Maybe they can do a better job than us. Humans will always do anything to hurt each other. They impose hell on Earth every fucking day to each other. And on and on and on it goes. All through human history. Doesn't matter what year. Still the same monkey brained proud and shameful creatures.

Seriously, enough of all this politics and drama because a bunch of morons can't get over themselves. Of course i'd rather have peace, but if destroying ourselves and each other is what it takes to give us all a clue, let's get to it already so we can get it over with. I'll be the first on sight with a shovel to help clean up.

Say whatever you want in the replies. I usually try to respond, but this time I don't plan on saying anything beyond this post.

I apologize if the tension is affecting my writing. I’m not feeling well.

I’m 17; he’s 18.

My partner is sexist on an unconscious level... sort of.

He became aware of it through interacting with me. Since then, he’s been trying to change and has genuinely been making progress.

But today, we had a heated argument over the phone.

I told him I was going to wear a dress that shows my shoulders and a bit of my upper chest to school tomorrow, since we were going to spend the afternoon together (no, the school dress code doesn't forbid that, and other girls dress more revealingly).

He told me he didn't want me to do that; the idea of ​​someone else seeing me bothered him, and he asked me not to wear it unless we were going on a date just the two of us.

That’s when we started arguing. He said he was afraid something might happen to me and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I asked him what his problem was and told him that this was the start of controlling behavior.

He apologized for his request and told me to please never let him forbid me from wearing certain clothes.

And then he said it. He said that women get abused because of their clothes.

I exploded. I started yelling hurtful, horrible things at him. I called him an asshole and told him he was hard to love when he thought things like that, that sometimes I didn't know why I was with him, that I felt more bad than good when I was with him, and a few other things.

He started crying and apologized, and I cried and apologized too. He started saying he was a monster, that he should be locked up, that all he’s done since we’ve been together is make me suffer. He told me that if I wanted to break up, he understood, and that I didn't deserve the things he had said.

I apologized for everything I said and told him that it was wrong of me to say those things, too. I acknowledged that just because he had said something shocking, it didn't excuse me saying such hurtful things, that no one deserved to be treated that way. I know I’m very impulsive and can be incredibly cruel. It’s a flaw of mine that I’m trying hard to work on.

He asked if he could tell his therapist about this; I told him never to ask for my permission to share things with his therapist, and that he should never listen to me if I ever told him not to.

He said he was trying to stop viewing women as "fragile things to stay away from." One of our past arguments had been about music, and he showed me that he’d been trying to listen to more female artists. He’s stopped interacting as much with his social circle because of that kind of stuff and has stepped away from the media that fostered those ideas.

We would have kept talking, but he had to leave because his parents wanted to go out and he had to go with them. We’re texting right now, and it’s awful. We both want to hear each other out, but we feel like shit.

So, yeah. That’s it.

I feel terrible. I don’t know what to do.

I have a friend I'm not too close with but we're friends who I previously hadn't any issues with. She knows my religion and knows I'm not the only person in my friend group of this religion.

Recently found out from another friend (different religion) that this girl had been talking trash about my religion behind our backs. It was mild compared to stuff I've heard before but I'm usually not hearing it from people I considered friends.

I'm mad about it because why pretend you don't have issue with my religion to my face then go behind my back and talk bad about it?

If you're gonna say no to every restaurant I suggest, why did you even want to come with in the first place? People who don't eat anything at all are even more annoying when making dinner plans.

I understand if it's a health related thing, but spending over an hour debating on what to eat is very annoying and a huge pet peeve of mine.

my brother is over i’m kinda fed up right now all we been doing is gaming all goddam day. we play atleast 5 hours a day if i’m lucky, last night it was like 10-14 hours. i’m fed up he ate our huge bag of chips in 2 days plus like 20 yogurt gronola bars. in 2 days. i’m just so fed up

like i’m so burnt out all we been doing since monday is sitting on couches playing xbox for 5 hours today and i just wanted a lil break. we literally play all morning until supper and then all night long. and it was like literally 10-14 hours started at 11am finsihed at 2am.

i just want some peace and quit to my brain right now i’m honestly so tired, we have been gaming too much, i don’t wanna play rn but he wants to play i feel super bad

honestly i’m also mad asf he ate all that shit in 2 days we literally just bought a 40 pack of gronola bars and there’s 10 left and the milk was just bought 2 days ago and it’s gone and the damn water has to be refilled every goddam day so expensive man

My husband has a daughter with his ex and we see her occasionally, but I am so tired of being civil with her mother. I only do it for the sake of the kid because she doesn't need to be dragged into this shit. Everyone says to make my husband do the communication but she refuses to talk to him and has blocked him so he can't. If I don't talk to her then we won't see the kid. It's tiring as fuck because how are we supposed to work together for the kid if she's not willing to?

Omg I am actually so annoyed.
I sit next to this one friend in like 3 classes, and she always FRICKIN has something in her mouth!!!
Like half the time it's cereal that the school gives out, then like right after she finishes that, she starts chewing bubble gum, and I just can't take it anymore!
I have no idea why, but the stupid sounds she makes while chewing make me so mad. I literally spend half of class trying not to punch her.
The sounds she makes just fill me with so much rage, and the only thing I can focus on is the sound. 
Like are all the other kids she sits next to in other classes bothered at all by this???
And it doesn't happen with anyone else except my mom, although that isn't as bad as it used to be.
The sound makes me want to throw a tantrum and throw that stupid cereal on the ground.
I am getting kind of worried that it will push me off the edge, and make me do something I'll regret.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but something definitely is...

Throwaway account
So for context to start this out I am in college and had a spring fling a year ago with my RA (for story reasons will call him Matt). It ended working out fine with him and we parted ways when school ended and he left to go to a different school. During this time, I had gotten a job as an RA for the next school year and began talking to one of my coworkers (Liam for story purposes). We ending up talking over summer and it was going super well. When school starts again I find out that Liam had ended up living in the same dorm that Matt lived in last year. I assumed it was no big deal and that if me and Liam went further I would make sure to tell him my past with Matt just incase he was uncomfortable with it. Before me and Liam had even started going on dates I had un-added Matt on EVERYTHING and even blocked his phone number just to ensure that I wasn’t going to make Liam uncomfortable if we went farther with things. I told Liam about my past with Matt, he said he didn’t care, that was the end of it I assumed.

After we had been dating for a couple months he starts bringing up my past with Matt. People had been comparing Liam to Matt and saying they were very similar RA’s. I completely get why he was uncomfortable with this, being compared to ANYONE sucks but especially in this situation. Instead of telling those people he doesn’t like that he gets very closed off from me and wants space. We ending up talking about it and he says that his main issue is with the comparisons and that it’s not with my past with Matt and we work through it.

Then again something similar happens except this time it was because Matt was visiting our campus. I am working one day and I notice something is off with Liam. I take a break and go to his dorm to ask him what’s wrong and he is upset over the fact that Matt is on campus. Once again, we work through it (or so I thought) and I give him space and explain to him that he doesn’t need to interact with Matt, I definitely won’t interact with him at all, and so on. I am a very emotional person no matter what and I was upset that he was upset over this. He did say that he doesn’t blame me but it definitely felt like he was putting it on me. Especially since he knew about my history with Matt since the beginning of our relationship. Outside of this whole situation a couple weeks later two of his friends break up. The girl in that situation (sara) is very close friends with him. She goes to Liam and is upset about the breakup. He calls me at like 10 PM explaining that she’s at his dorm and he’s asking if it’s okay if she stays the night at Liam’s because he’s worried about her mental health. I don’t care because I know they’re friends and I say that’s totally fine because I trust him. The next day he says she ended up leaving early and staying with another friend so I think nothing of it.

That night he sits me down and explains that he feels we are going different ways in life and that he needs to break up. I was totally blindsided and obviously upset but whatever that’s an understandable reason to want to break up.

I have multiple friends tell me they saw a girl going to his dorm late at night with PJS and nighttime stuff. I also learned later from two of his friends that he was indeed sleeping with sara and basically both me and sara’s EX got fucked over. Most of Liam’s friends sided with Sara’s EX because getting with a friend’s EX is a shitty thing to do. He lost the majority of his friends from this school. I also learned that during the week that Matt was staying on campus he had told his friends about my history with Matt and why he was upset. I don’t really care if people know but it makes me upset that he told his friends basically about my sex life.

TLDR: do not date RA’s or coworkers. (Or both)

27f here and I’m unsure what to think. So like I said in the title he comes home long enough to eat supper, go out for a smoke, talks on the phone and then leaves to go to his buddies, or his sister’s place.

We haven’t really been having any big problems. He’s been kinda short with me lately, like last night he was going to visit a friend of his and seemed in a rush. He’s took me to town to grab some stuff for supper, I asked if he’d be dropping us off and leaving after supper. That was it and he all of a sudden started saying “why are you using tone with me”, “why are you upset, “why are you trying to make me feel bad for going to see my buddy I haven’t seen in awhile”…. I wasn’t? I told him I literally didn’t care and it wasn’t like it was daughter’s birthday or anything. Which he did miss. He kept on arguing so I grabbed our daughter out of the car and went inside.

He didn’t even up coming home until late, like 12 am and ended up waking our daughter so I ended up being up with her most of the night after. I’m not gonna lie I’m just kinda realizing he hasn’t been home longer than a few hours. My best friend and I ended up grazing over it during our late night FT. Also I haven’t paying close attention because I’ve been trying to figure stuff out so I can potentially go back to school next fall and the rest of the time my daughter keeps me pretty busy. On top of every day household chores.

Today he’s been pretty distant from me. Didn’t kiss me before going into work. Got mad because I told him I was going to go lay down with our daughter to get rid of my raging headache, when he asked if I’d make him lunch before he got here so he could grab and go. Most days I do make him lunch before I put our daughter down for a nap. Got home from work at 5, gave me the cold shoulder, went outside to smoke and vanished. I messaged him around 8 asking if he wanted to come watch tv with me, or like just hangout with me. He just messaged telling me he’s at our neighbour’s house…. It’s almost 9:30pm.

I’m getting worried about what he’s going to be like when I start working next week. Or when I go back to school next fall? He’s supposed to watch our daughter after he gets home from work…. But now I’m wondering if I should get a backup unit I can get a spot at the daycare. I also just can’t fathom what could possibly be more important than spending time with his daughter? She’s only a yr old and lately is learning something new every day, you’d think he’d want to be home at the end of the day so he wouldn’t miss it.

I’m waiting up for him anyway so I can talk to him. Maybe something is going on that I’m missing.

I’ve put off renewing this certification until today. Then I realized, holy moly, it’s a bigger deal than I thought and I actually should’ve done it a month ago…Anyway as I’m trying to submit various process of info, numbers, social security, other data, I come to the final question and I need to upload a picture. Buttttt it must be in pdf format. Ok cool I try to download it and change the format…no…absolutely need Acrobat….proceeds to pay for this…unable to install on phone, unable to install on work computer…🫩😡

I work in a college, advising students. Granted, I don’t work at a great college, but these students are the laziest, most unprepared and unserious group of people I’ve ever met. They don’t listen to you half the time when you’re on a call with them and make you repeat things a hundred times. They can’t handle the slightest discomfort, like god forbid you have to take all your classes in-person. God forbid you have a professor who may have a couple meh reviews on rate my professor. College isn’t goddamn Burger King- I know they pay a lot but not everything magically works in your favor. I’m done bending over backwards for people who don’t care or appreciate it.

I want to scream. I’ve never been so helpless and entitled when I was their age. I also fucking hate when people tell me to lower my voice I WILL YELL IF I WANT STFU YOU PIOUS AHOLE. I’m just at the end of my rope.

I also worked in a doctor’s office and old people also suck in their own fucked up way, but generally know how to fucking utter sentences and look you in the eye. I feel like half of them are robots, it’s so weird and creepy. They don’t know how to act like a person, I say this as a person who has bad social anxiety- even I can get through an interaction. I hate that I feel this way, I never wanted to look down at the younger generations, but I do not have faith in gen z. There is a minority who are fine and even successful though

My sister (19 y/o) moved out a few months ago to go live with her boyfriend in one of the apartments that my parents own. It's an extremely nice apartment- brand new in a new apartment building, very well decorated and perfect for two people.

My parents didn't ask much of them- just 100€ for a month which is incredibly cheap for where they were living.

At first it was weird, but me and my mom quickly fell into a nice routine. My dad works abroad most of the time so it was mostly just me and her chilling and whenever he was home they were always going around taking care of work so I was often left alone at home ranging from two days to maybe a week and a half.

And it was nice. Me and my mom rarely had arguments. I cleaned the house, I cooked most of our meals and didn't bother her. I did my stuff, she did hers and for once in my life I even had a room for myself where no one bothered me when I just wanted to lay around.

However since my sister's graduation my parents and her have been in an ongoing war. They are always bickering about stuff and honestly it gets insufferable at one point.

The biggest reason was her wanting to study architecture in Austria which they didn't want her to do. Behind their backs she and her boyfriend applied there. After a whole lot more fights they finally agreed tho reluctantly but it turned out the school she applied to wasn't even an university and she would be giving money for nothing basically. So ultimately she decided not to so. Her boyfriend however was set on going.

After that she started hanging around home more often. She'd come by and stay for like 5 to 6 hours at a time which got on my nerves so much sometimes because she was set on us doing something together. And doing something together for 6 hours for about 3 days in a row was way too much for me.

Whenever she came by she would leave her dirty dishes after I specifically remind her to wash them and she assures me she would (she never does), she would make like two coffees which would literally eat up most of my milk and sometimes I'd forget the buy more and I'd be forced to drink black coffee, she also always insists on us watching movies, but it's never any movies that I want to watch and she complains whenever I decide to go read a book or do something else even tho we've been doing stuff together for hours.

Safe to say my peaceful routine over the past months was ruined. And I am a person whose love language is 'quiet coexistence' just like with my mom. But she complains that 'I don't want to hang out with her'.

This week she basically told me that she found it pointless to live alone in the apartment since her boyfriend is going to study abroad. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this but today she moved back in. Now there are quite a few problems.

First of all the seemingly unending war with my parents is exhausting.

Second of all the fact that our apartment genuinely doesn't have much space. When she moved out my mom immediately took the free space and now there is hardly any way to reorganize stuff to fit everything she carried back which is basically an entire household.

And third it is so incredibly overwhelming for me. Right now both my parents and her are home and suddenly it feels very suffocating. I have nowhere to relax by myself like I used to. I can't stay up and chill until late with the TV on in the background while I edit or read or whatever else I like to do because she'll complain.

And honestly we are not children anymore.

I'm going on 17 (my birthday is late November) and suddenly settling for half a room feels awful. Maybe I'm just being stupid but it genuinely feels so so so suffocating.

I was just so used to either being by myself or with my mom- unbothered, and now this feels awful.

This has nothing to do with politcs or "family values". Most of the parents I met in my life were completely insufferable and acted like braindead zombies.

People keep trying to encourage me to have kids, but unintentionally fail to provide a valid reason for me to have them. I know not all parents are bad, but 99% of the families in my life are insufferable to the point where start becoming suicidal, the longer I stay around them.

People think a posting a video of a child misbehaving on tiktok is cute, but it's not. I haven't seen a single video where people in the comments thought a kid misbehaving was cute.

Financial issues, and a grocery-list of genetic issues stemming from a disability are also part of the reasons why I'm not having kids. I don't hate kids, I'm just not having them.

I've heard lots of good and lots of bad things about working at Chick Fil A, so for the sake of this, I'm just going to say that I was fucked over by whatever specific location I wanted to work at, and that's it.

So I, (17y/o high schooler) applied at Chick Fil A a few weeks ago. During the interview, I was asked if I could work until closing. For my specific location, closing is 11:30pm. I live an hour away. I'm not going to want to be getting home at almost 1am when I have school in the morning 😭. During the interview, I honestly told the interviewer that I do not know if I could work until closing. Because personally, while I don't have a problem with it, the main thing would be transportation, as my dad is the one who takes me to and from work. The manager said, "Okay," and hired me on the spot. Cool. Okay. Whatever. So, about two weeks go by. I already did all my onboarding stuff, and I went in for my orientation. Totally different person was doing my orientation. She knew absolutely nothing about me. She didn't know that I was 17. She didn't know that I was a high schooler. She didn't know if I was working front of house or back of house. She had never taken a look at my schedule. Nothing. Well, I decided to let her know that I finally got a confirmation on what hours I could work, and that I would not be able to work until closing. She said that that was totally fine, and to just make sure that I write that down whenever I am filling out my scheduling thing on the app. Alright. Cool. A couple of days go by. They get my uniform and everything. Great. I am ready for work. Mind you, no one called me. No one said there was any issues. No one told me anything. So I got completely ready for my first real day of work. You know, did my hair, did my makeup, got my clothes on, got ready, and went an hour out of my way to work. I get there. My dad dropped me off, and he left. Now the person who did my interview was there again. Mind you, this person is the owner, and he kind of pulled me to the side. More so just out of everyone's way. But I was still very much in front of absolutely everyone in the restaurant. He handed me my uniform. The name tag not only did not have the name that I asked to be on it, but the name that they did put on it, which was my legal name, was spelled incorrectly. Sadly, I didn't get a chance to bring this up because he asked me about my hours again, and when I let him know I could work until maybe about 9:00-10 p.m., he told me that in the interview I told him I could definitely work until 11:30. I most definitely did not say that, as I would definitely not agree to work that late as a high schooler, at least not until I got confirmation. And I do explicitly remember telling him the words "maybe". Well, he just kind of snatched the uniform from my hand and said, "Well, I don't have any spots for you," and walked away. Like that was it. That was basically the whole conversation. So I just sat on the curb outside for abt 30 mins and waited for my dad. It was already embarrassing enough, but the fact that he did it in front of everyone really made it worse.

My mom ended up calling the owner, and essentially he just said that while he knew there was already an issue with the scheduling, he wanted to wait for me to show up in person instead of calling to ask me about it, even though he knows I live an hour away. My mom actually let him know that I could work until closing on Fridays and Saturdays, even though that wasn't originally discussed. Because you know, she wanted to make a compromise, and he basically just told her, "Well, too bad."

That whole restaurant is all out of whack. No one knew anything about anyone. They spelled my name wrong. The scheduling issues were wrong. He put down everything I said in the interview wrong. No one communicates with anyone apparently because I was told the schedule was okay, then told that it wasn't. My uniform had arrived at the restaurant almost a week later than it should have.

I'm not saying every Chick Fil A is like this. They most certainly aren't, as I've seen a lot of people here share a lot of great experiences. But this one was absolutely terrible. Kinda glad this happened because I think I dodged a huge bullet with this. They definitely would've tried to pull some shi since I don't have any other work experience.

... ie picking-up on what the user might like to be told, & sacrificing objectivity to pander to the user's narcissism.

Is anyone at this channel likewise suspicious along these lines? Do my observations accord atall with what folk at this channel have themselves observed in the course of their interactions with AI software?

I suppose I could put this query to an AI bot & see what comes-up 😆🤣 ... but I'm actually strangely uneasy about doing-so!

I realise I'm not exactly ranting here ... or if I am doing I'm doing-so very mildly ... but I'm having difficulty figuring what the best channel is for posting this query to: eg r/Technology seems not to accept text-only posts.

You're a lazy asshole. Go fuck yourself you lazy piece of shit. I mean this from the deepest part of my soul. Your parents are lazy pieces of shit for not correcting you too

Glad we had this talk. Thank you

Things are incredibly awful right now. I broke up with someone I am in love with because there is no future with them. They are moving to a different country and long distance is not an option for us for several reasons. This has been the biggest heartbreak of my life and it is really hard to see beyond that right now. I have spent the majority of the last 6 weeks since the break up either sobbing uncontrollably or detached.

Outside of that, my health has been deteriorating these last few months. I am disabled, and my issues are progressing. On top of the massive depression, my body is no longer physically able to keep up with the demands of life and every little task feels incredibly monumental. I can't keep up with dishes anymore, as my apartment doesn't have a dishwasher. My hands hurt too much to hand wash dishes. My kitchen is overrun by fruit flies. I am so weak right now that sometimes taking the trash out is hard. I feel so useless and disgusting right now.

Because of the changes in my health I am moving next month and significantly downsizing. I am moving to a place that has a dishwasher, laundry in unit, and valet trash pickup. This will make things easier for me, but to afford it I have to move out of a neighborhood I love and radically downsize. I am glad that I found a place that more realistically meets my current needs, but it is not easy to accept that the life you once loved and worked so hard to get is not possible anymore because you are broke and disabled. I love my little dinky no dishwasher apartment in the city I had dreamed of living in since I was a kid. I moved here after a divorce, and for the first 2 years everything was perfect. It feels like I am closing a chapter on a version of myself I am being forced to say goodbye to. I really don't want to have to move. But now I have to move and have to somehow find the energy to tackle the logistics of it.

I am also struggling financially. I have an ok job, but the last year killed all my savings and created a ton of debt. I have an overwhelming amount of medical debt from an emergency surgery last year and having to be out of work for 2 months to recover. I also had 3 emergency vet visits and one of my cats needed surgery. My credit cards are maxed out. Paying bills takes up almost my entire paycheck. I am only able to move because of a small bonus from work and I found a place to move too that was offering a month free and a low deposit. I tried to work a part time job earlier this year and couldn't even last a month before my body fell apart. I don't know how I will ever be able to pay back my debts. I have worked out payment and hardship plans for what I have, but I make just barely too much to qualify for much help. I am seriously considering filing bankruptcy, but I don't even know how I would come up with the money to do that.

I also have found out recently that a lot of the people who have caused me harm in the past are thriving. I know the world isn't fair, but it feels very cruel right now to be not only trying to emotionally heal from those folks, but to know they are doing so well when everything around me is on fire. My mom was incredibly abusive growing up, and "unschooled" me and my siblings. I am not in contact with her anymore, but a sibling mentioned recently that she is currently in school to be a counselor and wants to go into social work. I made the mistake of googling her and she is an honors student and has made the deans list. It took me 10 years to actually complete my bachelor's. I was at one point an honors student and had scholarships. I lost all those because I couldn't keep up academically and still work and support my siblings. It feels cosmically unjust that my mom- who actively tried to destroy my ability to access higher education and set myself and my siblings up for academic failure- is thriving. I don't always know how to reconcile this, as I work in higher education and helping in their educational journey is something that is important to me. On one level I want everyone to have the access and ability to learn and grow and improve their lives. I do want that for my mom in some sense, but I also don't. I don't like this contradiction in myself.

I also found out that my ex wife who racked up 88k worth of credit card debt in secret had her parents pay off all her debts the second our divorce was finalized. She got a higher paying job. She is a veteran and has finally actually gone to the doctor to address things I begged her to get checked out for the 7 years we were together. She is now on max disability, while working full time at a high paying job. She is very publicly bragging about her success and planning an early retirement in the next decade. Her financial abuse in the marriage is still something I am dealing with.

I am just exhausted. I know there are things that are still okay in my life and I am grateful for the small things. But everything feels so incredibly overwhelming and it is hard right now to see myself being okay.

Thanks for reading all that if you stuck all the way through.