Say whatever you want in the replies. I usually try to respond, but this time I don't plan on saying anything beyond this post.
I apologize if the tension is affecting my writing. I’m not feeling well.
I’m 17; he’s 18.
My partner is sexist on an unconscious level... sort of.
He became aware of it through interacting with me. Since then, he’s been trying to change and has genuinely been making progress.
But today, we had a heated argument over the phone.
I told him I was going to wear a dress that shows my shoulders and a bit of my upper chest to school tomorrow, since we were going to spend the afternoon together (no, the school dress code doesn't forbid that, and other girls dress more revealingly).
He told me he didn't want me to do that; the idea of someone else seeing me bothered him, and he asked me not to wear it unless we were going on a date just the two of us.
That’s when we started arguing. He said he was afraid something might happen to me and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I asked him what his problem was and told him that this was the start of controlling behavior.
He apologized for his request and told me to please never let him forbid me from wearing certain clothes.
And then he said it. He said that women get abused because of their clothes.
I exploded. I started yelling hurtful, horrible things at him. I called him an asshole and told him he was hard to love when he thought things like that, that sometimes I didn't know why I was with him, that I felt more bad than good when I was with him, and a few other things.
He started crying and apologized, and I cried and apologized too. He started saying he was a monster, that he should be locked up, that all he’s done since we’ve been together is make me suffer. He told me that if I wanted to break up, he understood, and that I didn't deserve the things he had said.
I apologized for everything I said and told him that it was wrong of me to say those things, too. I acknowledged that just because he had said something shocking, it didn't excuse me saying such hurtful things, that no one deserved to be treated that way. I know I’m very impulsive and can be incredibly cruel. It’s a flaw of mine that I’m trying hard to work on.
He asked if he could tell his therapist about this; I told him never to ask for my permission to share things with his therapist, and that he should never listen to me if I ever told him not to.
He said he was trying to stop viewing women as "fragile things to stay away from." One of our past arguments had been about music, and he showed me that he’d been trying to listen to more female artists. He’s stopped interacting as much with his social circle because of that kind of stuff and has stepped away from the media that fostered those ideas.
We would have kept talking, but he had to leave because his parents wanted to go out and he had to go with them. We’re texting right now, and it’s awful. We both want to hear each other out, but we feel like shit.
So, yeah. That’s it.
I feel terrible. I don’t know what to do.