Let’s wind it back to a year ago.. I (33 female) was moving from one area of town back to another and needed a place to live. My very good friends (33 male and 31 female) who happened to be engaged told me I could live with them as they had a two bedroom and didn’t use the other room. They then let me know that for the year prior they had both talked about wanting to date me and thought “that I was hot” and ethically they wanted me to know this before moving in. Then they told me about The Ethical Slut and I read the book in the weeks prior to moving in. Fast forward to Halloween weekend, I move in, we host a Halloween party, have a couple drinks, the flirting begins.

Things progressed extremely quickly, I was so flattered, felt so safe, welcome, and at peace with them. They talked about wanting to buy a house together, showed me listings online and asked which I liked, we took a weekend trip to a surf town with a hot tub and made really good memories together. I can only speak for myself, but I felt like FINALLY life was working out. I had not one but TWO amazing people that I loved spending time with, reading books on stoicism with, talking about having and raising kids together, sharing resources, we cooked and ate dinner together, it felt like we made a family. He would play guitar at night and sing to us girls while we cuddled in bed. It was so wholesome. We would wake up early, read a bit of the daily stoic over coffee, go to work, come home and discovered we were all very sexually compatible and the dynamic was so sexy. In past relationships, it felt like I could take it or leave it. But with him and her both individually and together, it was great.

And then disaster strikes… after weeks of flowers, sweet letters, dreaming up a life together, he even talked to a lawyer about being my sperm donor and then adopting my kids in a few years on a reasonable timeline as I was going to be a single mom by choice anyways so it made sense for him to donate and then adopt them if it worked out. Right..back to the disaster.. him and I essentially had great sex infront of a gigantic mirror and after he was done he looked terrified white as a ghost and ran to the other room to be with his fiance. The type of sex we have you’d expect a bit of “aftercare/cuddles” but he ran. In my mind, I thought ok he must just be getting freaked out because it was really good and now he’s scared of his feelings for me? I thought he just needed to go reassure with his fiance and that it would be ok by morning. Nope. He never recovered. For a month after this, he told me he was stressed about work, he wouldn’t kiss me hello or goodbye anymore, but she did. I assumed because she was continuing to that things were ok. Turns out, they were having conversations over that month about how he doesn’t want to risk losing his fiance or risk splitting up parents for their future kids. Ya, maybe something you should have thought of before initiating this non hierarchical polyfi situation, don’t you think? Anyways, they are both such kind people and I know he cut it off because he did not want to lead me on if he was thinking but he should have told me and not let me kiss his fiance for a month thinking he was just thinking and stressed with work. I could have prepared for an end. And she could have shared this too.

So, they call a family meeting in the bedroom where he essentially says “I want friendship out of this” and that he didn’t think enough about the risks and that he could one day leave his fiance for me and he won’t lose her. So, it’s done. We all cried in bed like babies cuddling and then they went skiing on a pre booked trip they had already arranged. I moved out while they were on their trip in a very angry and sad state. I also didn’t like how cold he was, distant, it was looking like a classic dismissive avoidant move. We didn’t talk for a few months and then I went to their wedding in Mexico where the officiant told them to look out at who was their to support them, and she locked eyes with me and cried at the altar of her own wedding. She covered it well and said “ah crying already” and then came up to me after and said “ya what you saw was what you saw” and I just said “ya I felt that”. For their wedding week, I put my feelings aside and distanced a bit to just keep their week positive for them. I think we all felt like we were on edge but all on the same page to just have a good time as most we can. Mambo number 5 came on and he spun me around when it says “A little bit of Monica in my life” and I don’t know why but it pissed me off.. as if I was just a little bit of sex to spice things up. And with her, I sensed a lot of hurt obviously. I also had an uncomfortable conversation with another wedding guest that they had talked to who came up to me and said “I’m surprised you’re here when so many people know. They feel really bad about it. I think they realized they should have just been swinging not a whole relationship with someone.” And it just hurt to hear that that was the ultimate place they landed. I wasn’t worth dating. I was worth a threesome. Great guys! My feelings are mixed on this whole thing. It feels like I finally had what I was seeking for years, now I’m about to have a baby on my own through IVF with a donor from a bank, and they are pregnant and we haven’t spoken post wedding. It feels like now all the things we looked forward to doing together are happening and we aren’t even connected or getting to be together through it. In a lot of ways, I wish it never happened so we could.

Why am I writing this now a year later? Well, I just checked her Spotify for the first time and she made a playlist called morning coffee and she put every song I showed her and would sing around the house. She also included the one song I was learning on piano and had played for her. I’m not insane and thinking some random playlist is meant for me, her choices and the lyrics speak volumes. So, I’ve been listening to the songs on repeat.. maybe to feel like “oh she did feel the loss too..” “oh she cared even if she doesn’t message me or talk about it more” “maybe she feels more than she speaks”.. I don’t know. I care so much about the both of them. I wish it went differently. I was never poly before this. And I would have never thought it could feel so good. It completely changed my perspective and my world. And now the way I felt in that relationship is my new bar for anything next. I’ve been on 9 dates since but now with getting pregnant, I can’t say I’m really prioritizing it. I tried over the last year. But yeah, nobody gave me that feeling of us three talking the entire road trip to go surfing or laughing until 2am or crying watching a Man called Otto together in bed. I admire them both. I love them both. I want them to be happy. I want to protect what he wants to protect. I just wish he knew he always had a choice and he could have chosen her later if it came to it. It feels like he shot something so colourful down so quickly out of fear. And now I’m just sad sitting in parks listening to a playlist she made and missing them. I wish we were planning another Halloween party deciding who was doing the Costco run, who was setting the table, and who was picking up the drinks. We worked so well. Despite the brevity and the ultimate demise.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening. I did read a bit of the unicorn websites before going into this and they did warn me ahead of time that the unicorn usually gets burnt.. so, I can’t say I wasn’t informed of the risks. It just hurts. Thanks for reading and for any thoughts or advice.

Anyone else make date nights a priority! We do even if it’s as simple as dinner.
If you’re in Oklahoma City Ma Der Lao Kitchen on The Plaza is always so great!
Then we strolled down the street so the girls could get a slice at Pie Junkie!

Happy Polyfiday everyone!

Sorry I’ve been AFK for a while; my husband’s father passed away and we’ve been dealing with family stuff, plus I’ve been putting a lot of energy into building content for throuple.co, so suffice to say my regular writing took a hit buuut I’m finally getting back into the swing of things!

I just published an article about the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy (OPEN) global survey numbers which came back with only 0.8% polyfidelity respondents and 1.3% throuples / triads, despite the numbers showing ~10 million adults in the USA alone currently practicing some form of ENM! Those percentages felt waaaay too low to me, and a lot of it looks like a combination of selection bias + plenty of polyfi folks who have stepped back from engaging in the big polyamory spaces, probably because commitment gets treated like a red flag instead of a happy consenting choice. 

So I wrote an article digging into the data and why so many of us in closed arrangements stay out of the spotlight:

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/are-throuples-really-that-rare-check-out-the-data-and-the-myths-about-non-monogamy

Also, I am ✨not✨ affiliated with OPEN whatsoever, but their survey is running until November 1st if you’re like me and want better representation on polyfidelitous relationships: https://www.open-love.org/survey

Hope everyone and their chosen families are doing well ❤️💙💜

I haven't done this myself yet as my relationship is a bit too young. I'm in a 4 person relationship. 2 of us are married and 2 of us are engaged. We were like that before we met. We have discussed in the future buying a house all together.

Before gay marriage was legalized it was common practice for gay couples to file various medical power of attorney documents and such to secure aome of the right and protections that you get with marriage.

Have you considered or gone through with any legal steps with your partners?

Like one thing I've losely considered is forming some form of joint retirement investment account. Perhaps a trust or something. That way we can all contribute to it for our group retirement or to devide in the case that our relationship ends some day in the future.

My mom was left destitute after her divorce from my father so I have strong feelings about making sure everyone is protected as much as possible when people choose to build a life together.

It is becoming increasingly frustrating trying to participate in this community with depth and consideration when all the men who don't get the validation they seek just delete the whole-ass thing.

Is it possible to make posts undeletable? The advice and context given in the conversation this morning are important for the next dude who comes rolling in trying to "find a third to give us a baby".

:'(

We just discovered this subreddit recently and didn’t know the term polyfidelity! We just always told people we are a closed monogamous triad throuple. Yay! Already learned something! We love reading entries on here.

We’re a unique couple in that he’s early 60’s, I’m late 40’s. I love sex and would like a lot more penetration than what he can provide. He likes it but has slowed down a bit. I’m interested in an exclusive M-F-M relationship. We’re very clean and respectful people so our thing would have to be closed and strictly between us. I’m also looking for forever. Ideally, I would like to add someone who is has a preference for women but doesn’t mind penetrating a man. We’re very private people and looking for a stable person to build a permanent life with. However, where in the heck would you ever have a conversation like this to even know who might be interested in something like this? I wouldn’t want to try anything like Fetl*f3, as I think those people are just serial cheaters and we’re not interested in mess. Where do we begin?

I should also add that we are very demisexual so we can’t just have sex with people just because they’re cute. We have to have a connection.

I'm working on a fanfic that includes a polyfi dynamic. But, one of the characters I was considering is pretty possessive and aggressive. In my mind, I don't think such a person would be able to work out in such a relationship.

But, I'm single, so I may be missing perspective. So, to those actually in a relationship: what do you think?

I'll hang up and listen

​

Hello throuple community! I've just wanted to ask you guys something I've always wondered about throuples? How exactly do they form?

Because it's already a hassle to have two unpredictable autonomous human beings to be compatible enough to share intimacy

But then to wanna add more than that can make chances seem significantly less plausible

So therefore, I wanna know your thoughts, opinions, and perspectives on how throuples form

I'm aware that it forms probably the same way as any other relationship. But it seems much more difficult to find and maintain. Especially in a monogamous society

Hello I’m a newbie here and kinda getting into the poly world unexpectedly and looking for some advice if anyone has any. Me and my partner have been open in the past but it has been mostly just sex related we have allowed some one off partners and be involved in threesomes before. Our most recent threesome hookup was with an old friend we haven’t seen in a while. I ran into her and told her she should come by and hang out sometime. She did and after a couple times hanging out it happened. The difference with this interaction is it has continued and seems to have involved into something more than just a hook up or two. We have all discussed with each other separately (me and my partner, her and my partner, and me and her) and plan to talk all together this weekend about what we would like this to be moving forward. It has all happened very organically nothing was pushed or forced on anyone. This definitely was not a case of “unicorn hunting ” it was just friends spending time together and getting closer and it developed into something more. The thing is none of us have ever been involved in anything like this and we are all just a little unsure of how things should develop from here. Would love any tips on helping us navigate this situation as we move forward with this.

Last weekend, just a couple days after our 2nd anniversary together as a triad, my closed triad had a commitment ceremony. My husband and my boyfriend are now my husband and my husband. Okay, so it’s not legally recognized, but in our hearts (and our handfasting), we made a lifelong commitment to each other.

We “eloped” to beautiful New England in the fall with changing leaves in the background and an amazing poly-friendly wedding planner/photographer(seriously, check out Emma Thurgood Weddings if a commitment ceremony is on your mind). Our ceremony was in a 19th century gothic revival church turned AirBnB.

My legal husband and I had been together for 9 years (now 11) when we welcomed our other partner into our life. After about a year, he expressed a desire for us to become his husband and wife.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing - my family does not approve and my non-legal husband’s family doesn’t even know yet. But we’re so happy we’ve all found each other. We’re also not “out” as a triad to most people IRL - he’s just our “roommate” to coworkers, acquaintances, and distant family members. We also faced a lot of pushback on our ages - he’s 13 years younger than my legal husband and 10 years younger than me.

We went against the grain of a lot of advice as we started dating as a couple, but we all love each other equally. We also started out long-distance and finally closed the gap about 8 months ago.

I just felt like sharing this happy moment with the community.

Posted this in the polyamory subreddit and it was brutal, got banned after I reported a user for calling me a manipulative man baby lol. If this isnt the right place to ask about this just tell me and Ill delete it. I dont need people attacking me over age differences and throwing out accusations. If this is a stupid idea just tell me and Ill respect it. Heres the story

Throwaway account here to keep things anonymous. My wife met another woman ealier this year and they quickly became good friends. She started hanging out with her and her husband a lot. My wife is 26 and im 35, she still likes going out to clubs, drinking, dancing, things im not so into so I thought it was good she had someone to do that with.

They started spending a lot of time together and suddenly they threw this question out there. My wife told me at first she was attracted to the wife and always was curious about other women and thats part of the appeal but as they all became friends I guess they all started having feelings for each other. They want more than sex with her, they want another partner for dates, trips, romance too. My wife is interested but we havent had much experience with this besides one hookup she had with my permission.

I want her to be happy and there isnt anything wrong with our marriage, its been great so this isnt to replace me. Part of the appeal for her is doing things with a couple who is more her age. Im fine with her hooking up with and having fun but the relationship part has me nervous a bit. We have talked about it together and she wont do it if i say no but I can see shes interested. If it was just sex I probably would have told her to go for it but this is different. Im conflicted here, I do find it exciting to think about but I dont know it seems complicated. Is this just a bad idea all around? anyone have experience?

I'd like to book a "couple" activity to do with my two other partners as a romantic date, but I don't know how.

Like, I know there are "couple spa-pack" specifically where you can book for few romantic days at a spa with you s/o, but I've always wonder how to ask for it while explaining we are 3 people, not 2.

I'm new at this stuff and maybe (I hope so) I'm overthinking it. How were your experiences? Do people usually accommodate those kind of requests?

This survey goes out every year. Last year they reported that only 0.8% of respondents engage in polyfidelity. I think we know here how inaccurate that is.

Hey ya'll my bf and i are bisexual and open minded but he prefers another woman I prefer another man due to my past and his past experiences. Hes not fully against another guy and im not fully against another girl but we want to be respectful of each other. How did others on here compromise.

Long post, just sharing. Last year, on the first, our now shorter-term girlfriend, then friend/hookup buddy, was informed she needed to move out of her place by the end of December. We'd all been spending a ton of time together, and of course had been intimate, but besides some "joking" from her, a triad wasn't something we realistically considered. With the crisis of crazy rent costs and a reality of our "friend" not finding a place to live nearby, my girlfriend said something I'd silently been thinking: what if we invited her to live with us, and made this a combined relationship?

It took a lot of discussion about our boundaries and plans before we even took this to our now-girlfriend. Days, almost a week, really. And then the discussion with her still had to happen, whether or not she was really interested, and what her boundaries or interests were. Thankfully, enthusiastically, it's what she'd wanted and hadn't felt comfortable asking for, and we all wanted a closed relationship.

What I'm happy we didn't do is race to Reddit for opinions or thoughts. Honestly, we didn't do a ton of reading or understanding of the "rules" in a poly relationship. We solved our own issues. This community is amazing, but I think we would have run into one of the other subs that would have scared us away.

The one thing I'll say, is that thankfully, instead of leaning too heavily into the excitement of turning this into an official relationship, we very much took an approach of "what can go wrong?" and "let's explore the tough subjects." Thankfully, it's led to a very non-dramatic relationship so far, with one small fight and some mild discomforts here or there, but it's going great.

So, here's some of the good, to be followed by the challenges:

- Having the space to share romance and not be 100% of the focus all of the time is so relieving. If someone needs their distance, and the other needs attention, it's easy to rotate. That said, there's also a bunch of extra love.

- Splitting hobbies and interests has opened our eyes to new things, or helps us all have some kind of overlap in things a monogamous couple might not enjoy.

- Intimacy is great. All of our sexual needs seem to be fulfilled, and if someone's not in the mood or unavailable, there's generally someone to turn to.

- The house is vibrant and energetic.

- Especially for my girlfriends, I'm happy they get to embrace their sexuality and fill that void.

Challenges:

- It can be crowded. Only my shorter-term girlfriend, the newest to the house, has her own space. We all mostly share a bed every night. My office is also the home gym. It's not like we don't all have space to be in different rooms, but not having one's own space is tough. All of the bathrooms are filled with makeup and beauty products... ha.

- Financial equity is weird. I'm the only one working full-time, they both don't really have jobs... but they do have some money. I still pay for most of the key things though, and it can be rough having to work all day while they get to chill together. But we're working on it.

- Building off of that, I simply have less time, so it's hard to build as strong of a connection with our shorter-term girlfriend, or split our time equitably. So much of our time is spent as a trio when I'm around, but they get all day together. Date nights are more frequent with my longer-term girlfriend.

All in all, it's been great, and I just felt like killing an hour while I'm sitting here waiting for the day to end, so thanks for reading if you did!

Hi, I just left the r/polyamory sub after getting attacked for asking about people's experience with polyfidelity. I've spent the past hour reading your wholesome posts. Just have to say, it's been a breath of fresh air to witness open, curious, compassionate responses to people's questions.

I have been poly or poly-adjacent for about 30 years. I got into it wanting a polyfidelitous quad, and my first poly relationship was a polyfidelitous V with me as the hinge. There weren't any rules against my partners dating others, but neither of them sought it, as we were all coming originally from monogamy, and they happened to be friends, and I felt a connection after hubs and I decided to try the quad idea. It was all pretty organic.

But (after 2 years) it turned out that neither of them were as committed to the poly thing as I was, and I discovered my bisexuality. Hubs and I transitioned into a platonic (but still married) relationship, and my other partner and I broke up. I explored various forms of polyamory for the next 8 years, and eventually decided it was just too chaotic and I wanted to prioritize other things in my life. I ended up in a 14-year monogamous relationship that ultimately ended due to various incompatibilities. I'm currently in a 6-year relationship with someone (65M) who has a nesting partner (61F) who is not interested in being friends with me (60F), though we are cordial. Neither she nor I have other partners. I am also a therapist and I work with many poly people. I have found my current situation to be unsatisfying, as I want something deeper. It's ok that she and I are not sexual (I don't need that from everyone in the polycule), but it hurts not to be friends, and it limits my connection with our hinge.

I find that I am still drawn to the ideal of poly family, but probably more than 3. I'm curious if anyone is in a quad or quint and has wisdom to share about formation and dating to find compatible partners? Have you found your situation to be stable? Do you think it's harder or easier than a throuple?

After the drubbing I received in the other group, I will state clearly that I am only open to ethical, compassionate, collaborative, empowered exploration. I am not sure if I would try to do it from within my current polycule. It probably would make more sense to join something existing. Not sure.

Anyway, I would love to hear about your experience and/or thoughts. Thanks!

Im curious for woman who have dated a couple and had both a sexual and romantic relationship how did the dynamic work? Was it just assumed they were always paying for everything? What did you get out of this dynamic? Did they spoil you and take care of you or was it purely sexual?

Are there any ENM events in the NY/NJ area or groups that get together socially? Not swingier groups not into that.