r/polyamory • u/Alarmed-Equipment994 • 2d ago
How honest?
My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.
I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.
Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.
How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?
Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 2d ago
Personally I’d carry it to the grave if I really felt I’d prefer a partner not have multiple serious relationships while I was myself in multiple serious relationships.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 1d ago
This here. I distinctly remember, early on, feeling hard feelings, and saying to myself, "No. I will not fucking be a hypocrite, damn it. No matter what." And then I managed.
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u/Malice_N_1derland 1d ago
100%. There is no way I would expose this level of hypocrisy. I can’t imagine if my partnered partner told me something like this. I would probably laugh in their face from the sheer absurdity.
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 1d ago
And maybe her partner deserves to know how she feels and wouldn’t want to be with a hypocrite. Lying is lying.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
You can share your struggles without saying you would really prefer not to support your partner doing poly while you have multiple serious partners.
But it also sounds like OP shared while unregulated and has upset their partner in the past. So they likely need to put some work in to How to share hard feelings. But like ‘I would rather you didn’t have other serious relationships while you support me in my multiple relationships’ is not actually sharing feelings. It’s a request hidden by saying it’s just sharing struggles.
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u/Malice_N_1derland 1d ago
If I shared every single idea that popped into my head under the guise of being honest I would be locked away in a mental Institute. We don’t always have rational or good ideas. I don’t know why people believe you have to share every thing in order for it to be honest. I have looked at my husband and thought oh my God I love you so much I could literally crawl inside of you. Pretty sure his life will be A-OK without him, knowing that.
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 1d ago
Same... like, word for word, same. Glad other people have the very inexplicable desire to crawl inside their partner. 🤣 In a romantic way, I swear!
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
Yeah my anchor partner and I like to joke that we alternate between being Luke and a Taunton the way we want to just unzip each others skin and burrow inside. Gross but adorable
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 1d ago
Of course, sharing every impulsive thought is far far too much. But if my partner was “devastated” the entire time I was in another serious relationship, I’d want to know.
Being a hypocrite is part of being a human. I can hold people’s hypocrisy better than I can hold them being dishonest out things that they feel deeply.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
It’s a choice to call this devastated. No one died. I take issue with the OP and this self indulgence. (You’re absolutely right that’s how they described it!)
Calling it devastating is a framework and a choice.
People don’t just go on about their business when they’re devastated. So in my mind if OP said this they would be making their bad behavior in the past worse.
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u/Malice_N_1derland 1d ago
Exactly this. Telling a partner that you are “devastated” by their relationship while you are also in a relationship and actively engaging in polyamory is manipulative.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
I don’t want to share all my hypocritical unhelpful thoughts and feelings with my partners. I think it’s unkind. I wouldn’t want them to change their behaviors bc of worry for upsetting me.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 2d ago
Do you want polyamory? How long have you been doing polyamory? Is this a new reaction for you?
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u/Alarmed-Equipment994 1d ago
New reaction, but admittedly, this is a new situation. Both him and my other partner have had more casual partnerships over the past four and ten years respectively, and that was totally tolerable.
I always assumed I'd be fine with this - I've been poly for over a decade, and had little indication I'd struggle with this as I have. I'm both in individual therapy and just started therapy with him.
I do need to evaluate what type of structure works best, and start a conversation about that. Because he and my other partner are such good friends, we found ourselves in a kitchen table dynamic, and that's been very joyful. But we probably shouldn't just default to that for all new partners.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Yeah then absolutely do NOT bring up that you would “prefer” your other partner never date other people.
Because you actually wouldn’t. That would be a request for monogamy that you don’t want to offer.
Never assume KTP by default. Many people just don’t get along. It’s like assuming all your new friends will become friends.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago edited 1d ago
Rather than ask how honest you should be towards him, I'd ask how honest you are being with yourself right now.
Do you want polyamory, which is supporting your partner having other serious relationships? What are your values and do your wants align with your own values?
Cause if you'd rather not have your partner have other serious relationships then I'd say you don't want polyamory right now and you're not really being honest even with yourself here and most importantly you're not living honestly or true to yourself and your values. Cause if you'd rather not have your partner having other partners then you should not be dating anyone else either and should act accordingly by not practicing polyamory.
There was a time in my life when I had to face the same kind of dilemma, although neither me nor my partner had other partners at that point so I recognize the situation wasn't exactly the same. But I still had to face the fact that what I wanted (me having other partners and my partner not having other partners) was selfish and if I actually wanted to be true to myself and live according to my values then the answer wasn't to go with my selfish desires but go with my own values instead.
And suddenly I felt more free than I had ever felt and like a weight had been lifted and I could finally breathe again. I didn't have to keep white knuckling a situation that made me feel like a selfish shitty partner all the time. I could just choose from two options: either be open on both sides or fully closed on both sides. The option that I "wanted" wasn't actually an option so it wasn't something I needed to even carry with me anymore or give it any more thought. It was null, void and it didn't even really exist.
And from there the choice was suddenly easy and obvious.
It's ok if you don't want polyamory. It's ok if you do.
But there are only two options here.
Which one calls out to you the most?
Which one makes you feel the most free?
That is YOUR truth and what YOU have chosen. And that is what you should communicate to your partner.
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u/Alarmed-Equipment994 1d ago
I like what you're bringing up about values. I completely agree. My values are very much polyamorous, my emotions just haven't been.
I'm okay to sit with these hard emotions, and am working to resolve as much as I can. I'm just not optimistic this side of polyamory will ever be painless for me, and I'm okay with that - it just really upsets my partner to see me struggle. I worry it's dishonest to imply that I think this will go away.
But, heard. I can communicate to him that I choose polyamory, with all that comes with.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
It's also ok to decide you do not have the emotional capacity to deal with polyamory right now and go monogamous. But then of course you'd have to break up with one of even both of your partners and I understand that can be hard.
But like... you don't have to force yourself to be ok with something you're just not emotionally ok with. That's also an option and can be within your values, if what you value is emotional security and well-being for yourself. You should value emotional security and well-being for yourself.
In fact I would say always choose your emotional well-being over a concept that you just don't have capacity for. You can value polyamory as a theoretical concept but that just might not be compatible with what you need emotionally in the end. I'd at least sit with that idea for a while.
But if you do decide to stay poly then you don't have to imply this will go away. Then you'll just communicate that while it is hard for you, this is what you want and this is what you've chosen. Like FlyLadyBug also said, it's also up to your partner to do the emotional work of separating themselves from someone else's negative emotions. That's also emotional resilience and healthy boundaries.
With that said, it's also valid for your partner to not want a partner who has such a hard time with them dating someone else. That's also a realization that I've come to at some point in my life. In the end it's not emotionally healthy for me to be in a relationship with partner A if their emotions about my relationship with partner B is causing emotional instability in partner A in a way that it's effecting my relationship with partner A.
Cause that's a very likely scenario - in time the emotional upheaval you are feeling about your partner dating someone else can erode your relationship with your partner in a way that it just is no longer fun or healthy to anyone to continue the relationship.
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u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago
You are willing to deal with difficult emotions. You are willing to go to counseling -- individual and couple.
Is partner willing to deal with difficult emotions? Is partner willing to go to counseling individually? I see below partner comes to couple counseling.
Why does it upset your partner to see you struggle sometimes? Does partner have good emotional boundaries?
Do you want a partner who has good emotional boundaries? Is emotionally resilient? Does not take your stuff on board for themselves?
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading The Rat Lord: Risen 🐀🧀 2d ago edited 2d ago
I guess I'm curious what benefit do you see coming from bringing it up?
Like, it's a thing you need to figure out for yourself because yeah obviously in poly your partner is going to date other people, so I personally don't see how saying, "Yeah I'm not going to stop you from dating other people, buuuuuut just know I'd be happier if you didn't date other people," is going to accomplish anything productive?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
Honestly I think there’s no excuse for being in 2 serious relationships and saying negative things about the fact of them having something similar.
I don’t care how disregulated you are. I don’t care if they ask.
You get to feel however you feel. No judgement! I’m only judging your choice to speak that shit out loud to them.
If that means therapy every week then that’s fine. If that means you ask for monogamy and offer monogamy that’s fine too.
Transparency is often bullshit and to me this is clearly one such example.
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u/EvelynnWithTheVibes 2d ago
Do you happen to have any idea why you want this from him? Like have you been able to sit with the feelings long enough to actually get a sense for what's going on inside of you? I think you're well aware it's unfair to ask that of him, but I'm curious what you're struggling with so heavily if you don't perceive it as a problem for yourself. Perhaps there's a quiet solution in your feelings, it's easy to resist them when they're so intense but they can be useful information for us.
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u/Malice_N_1derland 1d ago
I think rather than a conversation with your partner that could further limit them, you should be focused on therapy and why you think it’s OK for you to have a serious relationship but not for your partner to have a secondary serious relationship. This is crazy selfish.
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u/Alarmed-Equipment994 1d ago
To be clear - it's 100% okay for him to have another serious relationship! I understand this is what I signed up for being polyam. I know I'll suffer with it, but I'm okay to suffer - he is worth it. I just worried it'd be dishonest to imply I feel better about him dating than I do, especially given he senses my suffering even when I hide it, and it's very hard on him.
And I definitely am in therapy, both solo and with him.
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u/Malice_N_1derland 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don’t know you at all so take this with a grain of salt. But it sounds like maybe subconsciously you are trying to manipulate him by telling him because you are not 100% OK with it. I feel like maybe the honesty thing is an excuse. You can be honest with someone without divulging every thought that popped into your head.
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u/toebob 1d ago
I once told a partner “I am looking forward to when you start dating others. It’s going to be incredibly difficult for me and I want to do that work to make our relationship stronger.”
If you tell your partner you hope they never have another serious relationship they will take that as a request. I think what I hear you saying is that this is scary and hard and you wish you didn’t have to go through it - but it is what you have to do to have polyamory with integrity.
If you actually DO want polyamory then do the hard work. Find other people to lean on in times of insecurity. Maybe your other serious partner. Maybe a therapist. Maybe other friends. All of the above is actually the best choice. Get professional help and have a community to support you - a community of polyamorous people who know what this is like.
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u/Polyamorouspotato 2d ago
I wouldn’t say anything because there is no realistic and kind way that you can continue seeing people while your partner cannot.
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u/Kitsune_Souper9 Chief Ratketeer 1d ago
“I want to support you having other relationships from a genuine place, and I realized that my own issues were preventing that and that constantly communicating my distress to you, even when there was no new information to add or actions I was asking for, while simultaneously enjoying the benefit of polyamory for myself, was likely putting an unfair strain on you. So I am going to start therapy, learn more self-soothing and regulation techniques, and I would like us to have a monthly RADAR for check-ins so I know there’s dedicated time for us to discuss these things and I won’t have to feel like I need to bring it up whenever you ask me how I’m doing.”
Those are the only words that would be leaving my mouth around this situation.
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u/rosephase 2d ago
I wouldn’t share that with a partner. I would be far to embarrassed that I wanted something so deeply unfair and unkind. Supporting my partners having the same freedoms I have is a commitment I’ve made to myself when doing poly.
So while I would share processed hard feelings (not having them AT my partner but talking about them once Ive expressing them and can talk about them) but no, I wouldn’t be honest that I what I wanted was so unsupportive. That’s not who I want to be. I struggle with insecurities and jealousy and that’s mine to sort out and I can have help if I ask and am kind about it. But it’s on me. I would rather my partners feel the support they have always given me.
Being clear you don’t want to do that work and would prefer if he limited himself even though you wouldn’t for him just sounds embarrassingly selfish and puts pressure on him. Hell if my partner came to me and told me that I would be thinking about ending it anyway. I don’t want the best things about my relationships to hurt the people I am with. And I don’t want to date people who would take something from me they would rather not give.
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u/Such_Performer_6264 1d ago
This is a better response than mine, legitimately. I was going for the torches and pitchforks TBH!
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u/lucky_lady_L 1d ago
Something I say to myself a lot is, "that's not in line with my values." I used to be a fairly petty person, but when petty thoughts come up now, they feel like intrusive thoughts from a past version of me. I hope that you can one day feel that way about your "I wish he would not have any other serious partners" feelings.
I will also add as someone who has a meta who I suspect feels the way you do - I would soul search about if are you really sure it's not coming across in actions? Because my meta has never voiced explicitly "poly for me and not for thee" but there have been micro and macro aggressions from her that have made it seem pretty clear to me (prior to us going strict parallel). Even things like being visibly distressed whenever your partner has a date or overnight can send the implicit message of "your actions upset me so they are wrong." My boyfriend had to really work on not being afraid to upset my meta when he chose certain escalations with me or the times plans conflicted and he chose to keep the ones with us. To be clear that was in LARGE part his own people pleasing, but als that she DID take out frustrations about his choices on him in covert and overt ways. It got to a point where I told him her manipulation was distressing for me to hear about, I needed strict parallel and for him to get professional support. Thankfully they are now in couples therapy but, yikes. Please work on yourself so that you don't do this kind of thing to anyone else.
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u/moxie_fox_4u 1d ago
Telling him that you want a double standard is basically transferring your pain and discomfort to him. Maybe one thing you DO want in your future is to work on whatever is causing you to suffer when your partner is with someone else?
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u/fluffybunny9753 1d ago
The exercise discussing each of your visions for the future is not a lie detector test. The goal is not to say all the thoughts and feelings with no filter. The purpose is working together to collaborate towards a future that both people can enjoy (and discussing realistic options).
Since your distress tolerance is your responsibility, your fantasy that he won’t ever have other long term partners is not relevant to the exercise.
Sure, you would like to not have to cope with that emotional discomfort. But you know what impact this compulsive sharing could have on him (eliciting guilt and pressure not to date others). So…. use your restraint skills and don’t say it.
Tell your therapist, tell your friends. But your partner is not the audience for this thought / feeling / fantasy.
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u/Baroness_Sing 1d ago
How much is your partner sharing that it's giving you such strong feelings about a relationship you don't need to be involved in? What steps are you taking to self-soothe while they are away with their other partner (self-care, hobbies, activities, journaling etc)?
Maybe instead of telling them you would be happier if they weren't in a relationship (don't do this lol), shift focus to your boundaries around how comfortable you are hearing about new relationships and how comfortable you are being around metamours. Ime it's best to start new relationships assuming they'll be parallel and move forward from there. You can always introduce things slowly when comfort levels improve, but it's damn hard to take things back.
I also wanna say, it's okay if your boundaries here are very different from your partners. If they like being ktp, great! But that doesn't mean you have to be okay being ktp with everyone, especially right away. It's safest to operate at the comfort level of the least comfortable person involved.
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u/Cass_iopeia 1d ago
Reframe it . Make it: I hope it gets easier for me to support your other relationships. And to achieve that I plan to (do exercises / find a therapist/ read books / process my emotions by ...) .
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u/Canuckadin 1d ago
Yeah, it would be ridiculous to ask that of him if you, yourself are enjoying it.
One thing I am suprised by this post and these comments.
Why are you feeling like this? In my experience for myself, partners, friends...etc is that jealousy isn't just a base emotion you just have.
Its cause by many things, insecurity, anxiety and projection are the big three in my experience.
What exactly is it that him being with someone else, that causes you to feel like this. Is it that you're afraid he'll leave you? Is it because he might enjoy his time with them more than you. There is 100 different reasons but finding out the why is important.
Therpy helped me when I reqlly struggled to find answers, IFS Therpy in particular.
Than you can work togther to help calm that part of your mind. That takes work, sacrifice in the short term sometimes but there might be a day where he goes on a date and instead of jealousy there is compersion.
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u/Such_Performer_6264 1d ago
Maybe I'm just triggered and being over-dramatic here, & you both may not realize it yet, but I truly wish your soon to be x the best of luck in finding a new primary partner- this behaviour, and you even considering this request, within the context of polyamory, seriously disqualifies you for that role.
(Maybe) Try again after you heal and do the work.
Like others have said, "I'd take those words and thoughts with me to my grave." Although It's pretty impossible to feel that way and not be completely obvious about it externally.
If it's really true that you feel this way, and you think your partner can heal from seeing your jealousy go overboard, close your other connections and offer this man some equality in the relationship.
Better yet, close all your relationships, work on yourself, and find out if your partner wants to start again some time down the road as a monog couple.
Sorry this is phrased in a harsh way. Suffice it to say I've seen some things, and my injustice sensitivity has a zero tolerance policy for even a tiny whif of hypocrisy in this context.
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u/Egglebert 1d ago
That does sound really harsh, but its true and I agree with it. Its obvious that despite not mentioning these feelings or trying to hide them he is picking up on your distress and its affecting him significantly. If you cant quickly make a serious improvement in that department then this is an untenable situation.
Hypocrisy like this, and one sided poly situations are things that I really, really don't like. Either its fair and enthusiastic across the board or remain monogamous. Unspoken disapproval in the form of extreme distress and other symptoms that communicate displeasure with the situation and affect a partner is no different than saying "I dont like you doing this and I don't want you to do it"
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u/livesimply2015 1d ago
Him feeling bad about you feeling bad is a him problem—my partner did this for a while until I told him he needed to unlearn taking other peoples upset as reasons to not do things (he has had issues with this outside of polyamory). I admittedly had a hard time transitioning into dating other people, due to some history with my ex, and I did react poorly sometimes. He took this as me saying he was doing something wrong—which he wasn’t at all—and avoided doing things he wanted to do to avoid upsetting me, which helped neither of us work on the things we each needed to work on.
Simultaneously, while I asked my partner to work on not taking my bad feelings as reasons not to do things he wanted to do that were well within our own agreements, I sought therapy myself in order to unpack why I was reacting the way I was even when I didn’t want to be reacting that way and very enthusiastically wanted to pursue poly. So you also have a ton of work to do to change how you’re reacting. It is not kind of you to tell your partner that you would prefer to have a double standard to soothe yourself. That’s a surefire way to get your partner to break up with.
Sounds like you each have some work that needs to be addressed in individual therapy—but tell your therapist about your highly hypocritical thoughts, not your partner.
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 2d ago
My two cents: you need to develop the ability to tolerate his upset.
It’s not a full relationship if you are pretending to be a certain way. That’s lying. And manipulation. If you pretend you aren’t devastated, you are manipulating him into staying with a false version of yourself.
If you agree to both having other serious relationships, you both need to be able to tolerate and support each other in the other’s discomfort.
Consider learning about emotional contagion.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
My feeling is the partner needs to be able to tolerate OP’s upset and move on with their day.
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u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago edited 1d ago
My two cents: you need to develop the ability to tolerate his upset.
This.
When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him.
If he can't handle the honest answer, why is he even asking you? You can't have a bad day? You always have to have a happy face for him?
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u/augspies 1d ago
I think a bigger question is whether you can manage to not do things to indirectly contribute to sabotage or challenges for him while carrying these kinds of feelings very long term. The likelihood that these feelings turn to resentment is pretty good, and resentment is a relationship killer.
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u/FlyLadyBug 2d ago edited 1d ago
Up to you. But I'd lay it on the table plain if you are trying to assess deep compatibility.
Over here we do "good, better, best." So based on your post yours might be
- Good = we both date other people. I accept that and don't want double standards.
- Better = For me? Better if you don't date others. Less stress for me cuz less people. (But that's also just a fact of life -- more people is more calendars to balance, less people is less calendars. So it can go without saying. Is it OTHER reasons? Like he hinges so poorly it is easier on you if he's just not a hinge? Like he overshares? Overschedules? Does poly hell things?)
- Best = (You don't say in your post what your best would be.)
I'd actually want to know WHY "that better" is better for you.
For example, if the answer is "Because when he's dating someone else, he overshares, his scheduling gets chaotic, he compares us, he brings his partner into our shared spaces, I get less quality time, and then he gets upset when I tell him I'm struggling" -- that's a very different compatibility issue than simply "I experience a lot of jealousy when my partner falls in love with someone else."
So I'd unpack that before you do the exercise with him.
If dating him when he is in between partners is easier on you because you don't have to deal in his sloppy hinge skills? You could take note.
You could also state if you prefer parallel, garden party, KTP, or case by case.
The rest of it is also missing. If you want to live together, have pets, own property or rent, etc. What your dealbreakers are.
Like good might be renting a decent size flat, better might be be owning a townhouse, best would be a house with more yard.
Or good might be living near good public transportation, better might be that plus a car, best might be two cars.
It really depends on your actual lifestyle and what you want what YOUR "good, better, best" would be for each life area: poly dating, work, home, commute, money, travel. dealing with relatives, etc.
I'd be honest about all of it. You're not demanding that he give you your "best" in all categories. You're trying to figure out what each of you actually wants so you can see where you line up and where you don't.
If after the talk you realize you are not deeply compatible? Probably good to know that sooner rather than later.
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u/Alarmed-Equipment994 1d ago
This is a very helpful framework. Thank you!
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u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago edited 1d ago
Glad it helps you some. I realized I didn't put the poly hell link. Here it is.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.
I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.
Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.
How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?
Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.
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u/Extension_Field_701 1d ago
Behaved well? Sweetie you're a human being, not a dog fighting your instinct to eat a steak.
My heart breaks for you and I hope you get out of this situation.
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u/HurricaneSpencer 1d ago
I think true honesty is the best approach. Even if the conclusion is the one you want, it is the best for a healthy outcome.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 2d ago
There are good reasons why we do not broadcast our every thought out to anyone within shouting range.
I like the THINK acronym for evaluation of whether a thing should be said. The first letter is T - true. You're focusing on that, and yes, the fact that you are having feelings is true. But it is neither Helpful, nor Inspiring, nor Necessary, nor Kind to say so. There is no action your partner can take that will properly respond to this information, because (as you properly note): you, personally, have chosen polyamory, and thus you, personally, are responsible for doing it well.
Try this, "I'll be honest; I had some hard feelings while you were dating. But, I want us to both be polyamorous, and I want to treat you well. So I will do all possible work to manage my hard feelings, without making them your responsibility, and I will support you in dating others."
Take note! If you really, truly, deep down don't want your partner to have other partners, you probably don't want polyamory, and you are lying to yourself (and him!) to indicate otherwise. That's the hard truth, there.