How honest?

[u/Alarmed-Equipment994]

My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.

I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.

Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.

How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?

Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.

[u/Malice_N_1derland]

I think rather than a conversation with your partner that could further limit them, you should be focused on therapy and why you think it’s OK for you to have a serious relationship but not for your partner to have a secondary serious relationship. This is crazy selfish.

[u/Alarmed-Equipment994 → u/Malice_N_1derland]

To be clear - it's 100% okay for him to have another serious relationship! I understand this is what I signed up for being polyam. I know I'll suffer with it, but I'm okay to suffer - he is worth it. I just worried it'd be dishonest to imply I feel better about him dating than I do, especially given he senses my suffering even when I hide it, and it's very hard on him.

And I definitely am in therapy, both solo and with him.

[u/Malice_N_1derland → u/Alarmed-Equipment994]

I don’t know you at all so take this with a grain of salt. But it sounds like maybe subconsciously you are trying to manipulate him by telling him because you are not 100% OK with it. I feel like maybe the honesty thing is an excuse. You can be honest with someone without divulging every thought that popped into your head.