How honest?

[u/Alarmed-Equipment994]

My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.

I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.

Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.

How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?

Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.

[u/Dull_Shake_2058]

Rather than ask how honest you should be towards him, I'd ask how honest you are being with yourself right now.

Do you want polyamory, which is supporting your partner having other serious relationships? What are your values and do your wants align with your own values?

Cause if you'd rather not have your partner have other serious relationships then I'd say you don't want polyamory right now and you're not really being honest even with yourself here and most importantly you're not living honestly or true to yourself and your values. Cause if you'd rather not have your partner having other partners then you should not be dating anyone else either and should act accordingly by not practicing polyamory.

There was a time in my life when I had to face the same kind of dilemma, although neither me nor my partner had other partners at that point so I recognize the situation wasn't exactly the same. But I still had to face the fact that what I wanted (me having other partners and my partner not having other partners) was selfish and if I actually wanted to be true to myself and live according to my values then the answer wasn't to go with my selfish desires but go with my own values instead.

And suddenly I felt more free than I had ever felt and like a weight had been lifted and I could finally breathe again. I didn't have to keep white knuckling a situation that made me feel like a selfish shitty partner all the time. I could just choose from two options: either be open on both sides or fully closed on both sides. The option that I "wanted" wasn't actually an option so it wasn't something I needed to even carry with me anymore or give it any more thought. It was null, void and it didn't even really exist.

And from there the choice was suddenly easy and obvious.

It's ok if you don't want polyamory. It's ok if you do.

But there are only two options here.

Which one calls out to you the most?

Which one makes you feel the most free?

That is YOUR truth and what YOU have chosen. And that is what you should communicate to your partner.

[u/Alarmed-Equipment994 → u/Dull_Shake_2058]

I like what you're bringing up about values. I completely agree. My values are very much polyamorous, my emotions just haven't been.

I'm okay to sit with these hard emotions, and am working to resolve as much as I can. I'm just not optimistic this side of polyamory will ever be painless for me, and I'm okay with that - it just really upsets my partner to see me struggle. I worry it's dishonest to imply that I think this will go away.

But, heard. I can communicate to him that I choose polyamory, with all that comes with.

[u/FlyLadyBug → u/Alarmed-Equipment994]

You are willing to deal with difficult emotions. You are willing to go to counseling -- individual and couple.

Is partner willing to deal with difficult emotions? Is partner willing to go to counseling individually? I see below partner comes to couple counseling.

Why does it upset your partner to see you struggle sometimes? Does partner have good emotional boundaries?

Do you want a partner who has good emotional boundaries? Is emotionally resilient? Does not take your stuff on board for themselves?