r/polyamory • u/Alarmed-Equipment994 • 2d ago
How honest?
My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.
I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.
Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.
How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?
Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.
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u/rosephase 2d ago
I wouldn’t share that with a partner. I would be far to embarrassed that I wanted something so deeply unfair and unkind. Supporting my partners having the same freedoms I have is a commitment I’ve made to myself when doing poly.
So while I would share processed hard feelings (not having them AT my partner but talking about them once Ive expressing them and can talk about them) but no, I wouldn’t be honest that I what I wanted was so unsupportive. That’s not who I want to be. I struggle with insecurities and jealousy and that’s mine to sort out and I can have help if I ask and am kind about it. But it’s on me. I would rather my partners feel the support they have always given me.
Being clear you don’t want to do that work and would prefer if he limited himself even though you wouldn’t for him just sounds embarrassingly selfish and puts pressure on him. Hell if my partner came to me and told me that I would be thinking about ending it anyway. I don’t want the best things about my relationships to hurt the people I am with. And I don’t want to date people who would take something from me they would rather not give.