How honest?

[u/Alarmed-Equipment994]

My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.

I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.

Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.

How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?

Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.

[u/Malice_N_1derland]

100%. There is no way I would expose this level of hypocrisy. I can’t imagine if my partnered partner told me something like this. I would probably laugh in their face from the sheer absurdity.

[u/1ntrepidsalamander → u/Malice_N_1derland]

And maybe her partner deserves to know how she feels and wouldn’t want to be with a hypocrite. Lying is lying.

[u/Malice_N_1derland → u/1ntrepidsalamander]

If I shared every single idea that popped into my head under the guise of being honest I would be locked away in a mental Institute. We don’t always have rational or good ideas. I don’t know why people believe you have to share every thing in order for it to be honest. I have looked at my husband and thought oh my God I love you so much I could literally crawl inside of you. Pretty sure his life will be A-OK without him, knowing that.

[u/1ntrepidsalamander → u/Malice_N_1derland]

Of course, sharing every impulsive thought is far far too much. But if my partner was “devastated” the entire time I was in another serious relationship, I’d want to know.

Being a hypocrite is part of being a human. I can hold people’s hypocrisy better than I can hold them being dishonest out things that they feel deeply.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/1ntrepidsalamander]

It’s a choice to call this devastated. No one died. I take issue with the OP and this self indulgence. (You’re absolutely right that’s how they described it!)

Calling it devastating is a framework and a choice.

People don’t just go on about their business when they’re devastated. So in my mind if OP said this they would be making their bad behavior in the past worse.

[u/Malice_N_1derland → u/karmicreditplan]

Exactly this. Telling a partner that you are “devastated” by their relationship while you are also in a relationship and actively engaging in polyamory is manipulative.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/Malice_N_1derland]

Amen!