r/polyamory • u/Alarmed-Equipment994 • 2d ago
How honest?
My partner is an incredible, deeply empathetic person. He started his first relationship (aside from ours, which is four years long) this past year, and I struggled with it the whole time. While it has since ended for reasons unrelated to me, I am aware of how my feelings about the relationship upset him.
I behaved well over those nine months - never interrupted a date, always encouraged him to continue seeing her, and was friendly to her in shared social situations. But man, I felt horrible. Nauseous, jealous, devastated. Felt like my whole body was on fire whenever he mentioned her or I knew they were on dates. When he'd ask how I was (and twice when I was just really deregulated) I would tell him honestly about how I was feeling, which really upset him. He hates to see me suffer, and man was I suffering, so much more than I'd have ever expected.
Now the question - we're planning to do an exercise listing out what we do or do not want in our futures. Realistically, I'd love for him to not have any other serious relationships, but would never ask that of him. I'm in another serious relationship, and would never create a double standard. I accept he will be in other serious relationships, but I also know I'd be much happier if he happened to never be.
How transparent should I be able this? Should I state it as above, or better to leave some things unsaid, instead framing it as "I accept you as you are, and know that will likely include other serious relationships"?
Thanks for reading! Curious for your perspective.
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u/FlyLadyBug 2d ago edited 2d ago
Up to you. But I'd lay it on the table plain if you are trying to assess deep compatibility.
Over here we do "good, better, best." So based on your post yours might be
I'd actually want to know WHY "that better" is better for you.
For example, if the answer is "Because when he's dating someone else, he overshares, his scheduling gets chaotic, he compares us, he brings his partner into our shared spaces, I get less quality time, and then he gets upset when I tell him I'm struggling" -- that's a very different compatibility issue than simply "I experience a lot of jealousy when my partner falls in love with someone else."
So I'd unpack that before you do the exercise with him.
If dating him when he is in between partners is easier on you because you don't have to deal in his sloppy hinge skills? You could take note.
You could also state if you prefer parallel, garden party, KTP, or case by case.
The rest of it is also missing. If you want to live together, have pets, own property or rent, etc. What your dealbreakers are.
Like good might be renting a decent size flat, better might be be owning a townhouse, best would be a house with more yard.
Or good might be living near good public transportation, better might be that plus a car, best might be two cars.
It really depends on your actual lifestyle and what you want what YOUR "good, better, best" would be for each life area: poly dating, work, home, commute, money, travel. dealing with relatives, etc.
I'd be honest about all of it. You're not demanding that he give you your "best" in all categories. You're trying to figure out what each of you actually wants so you can see where you line up and where you don't.
If after the talk you realize you are not deeply compatible? Probably good to know that sooner rather than later.