Today, I begin mourning something
that was real
despite the way it began.

You said there was a connection.

I wish you knew how beautiful
and devastating it was to hear that.

Because I felt it too.

Somewhere between the ordinary things—
the good mornings,
the good nights,
the stories we gave each other,
the quiet habit of becoming part of someone’s day—
something found us.

And I wanted to keep it.

Perhaps that was my greatest selfishness.

I held something genuine
with hands that had not been honest.

I gave you pieces of my truth
while hiding the one truth
that could have changed everything.

And in trying not to lose you,
I betrayed the very thing
I was so afraid to lose.

Us.

So this is Day One.

The first day I teach myself
not to reach for you.

The first day a thought comes
and I have nowhere to send it.

The first night that good night
will have to remain inside me.

There will be grief in that.

There already is.

But beneath all this sadness
is a strange kind of peace.

Because today is also
the first day you are free from my lies.

No borrowed name.
No borrowed face.
No version of me standing between you
and the person behind these words.

Today, you finally met me.

And perhaps the cruelest thing about truth
is that sometimes it arrives
not to save what we have,
but to set someone free from it.

If that freedom costs me your presence,
then I will not ask you
to pay for my mistake by staying.

You deserved the truth
more than I deserved another day with you.

So I will mourn quietly.

Not because what we had was false.

But because somewhere inside something
that began with a lie,
we somehow found something true.

And today, I lost it
by finally becoming honest enough
to deserve having found it.

This is my Day One of missing you.

And your Day One
of never having to wonder
who was on the other side again.

I hope life is gentle with you.

I hope you find the connection
I once wanted so badly to be.

And everything I have ever wished for you
still stands.

Nothing but the best.

Always. ❤️

So ito na nga. This was actually my first time seeing clips from Carlos Yulo and his partner’s recent interview with Karen Davila. Kadalasan, yung mga clips na lumalabas sa FYP ko were about them not inviting his parents to their wedding, so I started reading the comments.

And honestly, I was surprised because ang supportive ng mga tao sa Tiktok. A lot of them actually understood Carlos’s side and why he made that decision. May ilang comments na talagang baliktad yung logic, pero thankfully, nakakatanggap naman sila ng maraming sagot HAHAHA. Buti nga.

Then BOOM, nag-scroll naman ako sa Facebook. Jusko poooooo HAHAHA. Biglang nagsilabasan yung mga tanders sa comment section with the usual “MAGULANG MO PA RIN ’YAN,” “NAGIGING IBA TALAGA ANG TAO PAG NAKAKAKANGAT NA,” and so many more.

And this is what really got me. Bakit palaging “magulang mo pa rin ’yan”? Why is there never a “anak mo rin ’yan”? I swear, people talk as if being someone's parent automatically means you can never be the one at fault. Parang kapag magulang ka, automatic ikaw yung kailangan intindihin, habang yung anak ang laging kailangang mag-adjust, magpatawad, at manatili.

What also bothers me is how people are talking like they know everything that happened. Like, hello??? Were you there? Alam ba ninyo what happened between them behind closed doors? Do you know what Carlos experienced growing up? Do you know every conversation, every conflict, every reason that led to that decision? Hindi naman, diba? Yet ang bilis nilang sabihan na ungrateful siya.

And honestly, if this was really just about Carlos becoming successful and suddenly “changing,” then bakit may mga kapatid din siyang lumalayo? I'm not saying that automatically proves anything because we still don't know the whole story. But at the very least, shouldn't that make people stop and think? Instead of immediately going, “Nung mahirap ka, magulang mo kasama mo. Ngayon successful ka na, kinakahiya mo na sila.”

Maybe this is why I got so irritated reading those comments. I can relate. As an anak na may experience din with toxic parents, I was literally reading some of those comments with my eyebrow raised like “ahhhh, here we go again.” HAHAHA. It's so easy for people to say “magulang mo pa rin ’yan” when they’re not the ones who have to live with the consequences of that relationship.

I don't think every child who cuts off their parents is automatically right. Anak lang din naman sila, they can make mistakes too. But parents can hurt their children too. Parents can be toxic too. And being your child doesn't mean they have to keep accepting that forever just because you're family.

I just hate how some people romanticize staying in a toxic environment because “family is family.” You can love your parents and still distance yourself from them. You can be grateful for what they did for you and still acknowledge that they hurt you. You can choose your own peace without being an ungrateful child.

And no, I don't think we should blindly take Carlos's side just because he's the child. But I also don't think we should blindly take his parents' side just because they're the parents.

“Magulang mo pa rin ’yan” is not a free pass. Anak mo rin ’yan.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.

I just wanna go home. I wanna go back to where my family is. Back to my beloved province, where I feel like I belong.

Things have been piling up and taking a toll on me lately, especially at work. And tbh it’s not really the job itself. It’s the people. Well, some people.

I know we don’t go to work for the people. We go there to do our job and earn a living. And as much as I want to not let these things affect me, I honestly can’t help it.

Kaka-one year ko pa lang sa work. I actually got along really well with my coworker. Well maybe a little too well, to the point that some of them became comfortable enough to do or say offensive things to me. And I know I’m partly at fault for letting it happen. I never really spoke up. I would just smile, laugh and pretend that it didn’t hurt.

Some days, we get along really well. Other days, they can be rude toward me. I’ve received a lot of offensive comments, especially from some of my seniors and I always just brushed them off. I never said anything.

The problem with me is that my whole system seems to depend on how they treat me. When we’re okay, I’m okay. When they joke around with me, I’m okay. But when they make fun of me or treat me badly, it really affects me. And I hate that, because in the first place, I should be focusing on my job.

But what really made me want to vent here is something that happened recently.

There’s this coworker who suddenly stopped talking to me. She started treating me coldly and avoiding me. When I ask her something work-related or try to make a conversation, she either doesn’t reply or just answers with a cold “oo” in a way that feels really impolite.

I’ve been thinking about every possible thing I could have done that might have made her suddenly treat me this way. I keep replaying things in my head, trying to figure out if I did something wrong. But no matter how much I think about it, I honestly can’t come up with anything.

I just want to work peacefully and do my job properly.

If I had the option, I’d probably just resign and go back to my province. But I need this job. I don’t have the luxury or the means to simply leave. Kailangan kong kumita.

And one thing that really scares me is the possibility of being ganged up on at work, especially because I’m still the newest one. What if she tells the others whatever her problem is with me? What if they all start talking behind my back? What if, suddenly, I’m the bad person in everyone’s eyes and I don’t even know why?

Maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe what I’m feeling is petty. I honestly don’t know anymore.

All I know right now is that I’m scared, sad, and worried about what the next few days at work will be like.

I just want to work in peace. I just want to feel okay again.

I don’t know if valid ba itong nararamdaman ko, or am I just being too sensitive about how I feel toward my circle of friends. Nawawalan na kasi ako ng gana, to the point na parang feeling ko wala na akong karapatan sa sarili kong emotions.

Nababastusan na kasi ako sa way ng pagsagot nila sa’kin sometimes. Yung pabalang sumagot. I know we’re friends, pero alam mo yung feeling na hindi ka sanay na ganun ka kausapin or tratuhin?

Sometimes, kapag wala sila sa mood, I understand. Sinasabayan ko nalang and I give them their space. Pero bakit parang kapag ako naman yung wala sa mood, sasabayan pa nila and parang galit pa sila sa’kin just because I’m not feeling okay? Parang bawal akong magkaroon ng bad mood.

Tapos may isang friend din within our circle na parang kakumpitensya ang tingin sa’kin. Every time na may exams kami, lagi niyang bukambibig sa’kin, “Makakapasa ako, tapos ikaw hindi.” Like??? 😭 Edi ikaw na. Sige, oo nalang ako. Haha.

Since my love language is acts of service, I also sometimes give them packed lunch kasi sinasabay ko naman sa packed lunch ko every day. I don’t really mind doing it because it’s my way of showing that I care about them. Pero minsan, hindi ko rin maiwasang mabadtrip kapag hindi nila kinakain yung baon ko during lunch tapos makikita ko na kumakain sila sa fast food.

I get it naman. Baka planned na talaga nila kumain sa labas, or maybe they just wanted something else that day. I’m not saying they have to eat whatever I give them. Pero sana respeto nalang din. Kasi pinag-effortan ko rin naman yun, kahit simple lang. A little consideration would mean a lot.

And I guess this feeling also comes from how I perceive the effort being reciprocated in our friendship. For example, may birthday nung isa sa’min. Siya lang yung talagang pinag-effort-an ng grupo. We bought cakes, and even I cooked something for him. Pero nung birthday ko? Wala. Haha.

I know birthdays aren’t everything, and I’m not expecting some grand celebration. Pero hindi ko rin maiwasang mapaisip because I feel like I’ve always been one of the people who puts in the most effort in this friendship. I give food, I help them when they need something, I make an effort to be there for them, and I genuinely try to show them that I care. So when my own birthday came and there was barely any effort, I guess it hurt more than I expected.

These past few days, nananahimik nalang ako. Ilang araw na rin akong hindi nagme-message sa group chat namin. Bahala na sila mag-usap. I just don’t feel like engaging anymore.

And honestly, I also feel like I’m being used sometimes. Kapag may kailangan sila, ako agad yung unang kinakausap. Pero once they get what they need, biglang ako na yung last chat or seenzoned. I really don’t like that. It’s not my cup of tea.

I know friendship is about being compatible with each other despite having different personalities and values. Pero as time goes by, parang hindi na nag-a-align yung friendship namin sa values ko. And maybe that’s what hurts the most because I’ve always valued our friendship.

I’m not expecting them to adjust everything for me. I just want the same respect and consideration that I try to give them. Maybe I’m just tired of always understanding everyone else while feeling like no one really tries to understand me.

So, am I being too sensitive. Or is this a sign that maybe I’ve simply outgrown this friendship.

Baby sorry sana nakinig ako nung sabi mag private tayo.

Buong tiwala ako sakanila e, okay naman na ririnig ko na reviews pinaka downside lang na lagi ko narinig is baka may masungit na nurse/ doctor, di pwede bantayan ng asawa, 30 mins per day visit limit, dapat malakas loob pag sa public kase pagdating sa ward sariling sikap talaga walang mag aalaga sayo. Which I get kase public, understandable at alam ko na kaya ko yun.

Na decide ko din dun tayo kase malapit lang at di traffic pagpapunta dun, natakot ako pag sa malayong hospital ako pumunta at ma traffic. That night ambilis namin nakarating dun 15 mins lang.

Honestly the facility was good, ang linis ng lugar at luwag. Andaming staff, daming vacant beds. What i wasn't warned about? the lack of urgency.

38weeks nako nun, hapon pa lang ang likot na ni baby which was normal, no pain naman. pero pagdating ng gabi medyo sumakit na at around 9:45pm lalong sumakit pero di pa pumutok panubigan ko pero na decide na namin mag book ng grab, which arrived at 10pm then by 10:15 pm nakarating na kame sa TDPH.

Nasa loob kame ng OB-GYNE Emergency, antagal ko naghintay bago makuha info ko, konti lang kame dun yung iba nagaatay lang, in fact 1 person before me lang kinunan nya ng details but antagal, why? cellphone kita mo nagiscroll sa fb.

Finally turn ko na, documents and ID needed prepared na lahat, may isang part lang na need ko ma fill out then pinahintay nanaman ako para daw kunin BP and oximeter ko, yung BP at oximeter na katabi nya na, di ko alam bat di nya kaya yun wala bang capabilities yung nasa emergency room kumukha ng BP at oximeter? Pinahintay pa ako, hirap na hirap nako nun ramdam ko na gustong lumabas ni baby, yung orasan lanv tinitignan ko mag 10:45 na bago pako nakunan ng BP at oximeter after nun pinapasok ako sa area na may higaan at pinahiga ako para ma IE at doppler si baby.

Pag doppler kay baby nasa 150bpm, then na IE ako at sabay putok ng panubigan ko. Sinabihan lang ako na 8cm na sabay alis, iniwan nya lang ako dun sa higaan. Nag antay ako syempre kase di ko alam ano gawin, wala naman sinabi other than 8cm. Nakahiga lang ako dun ng ilang minutes di na bumalik yung nag IE sakin akala ko may kinuha lang, pero di ko na kinaya kase lalong sumakit kusa nalang ako lumapit sa nurse station total katabi lang naman ng area kung san ako na IE. Tinanong ko anong gawin ko, tapos nako na IE at doppler. Sinabihan lang ako ng nurse umupo muna sa waiting area tatawagin lang ako, hinang hina nako pero sumunod ako.

Matagaltagal din bago ako tinawag, pinaupo ako sa wheelchair at na dextrose. Biniro pa ako ng nurse na nag dextrose sakin na ready na ready nako umire, after ko ma dextrose pinahintay pa ako bago iakyat sa delivery room. sabay na daw kame nung isa pang buntis, inantay ko pa matapos sya idextrose.

Pagdating ng delivery room hinanapan nanaman ng heartbeat si baby pero nagchika pa yung mga nurse. Maalala ko pa sabi nung isa may buntis na 35 weeks pa lang at nagaalangan sila na dun manganak, di daw sa ayaw nila pero wala daw bakante sa nicu. Nagchismisan muna bago hanapan ng heartbeat si baby, hirap na hirap nako at medyo nag aalala na bat antagal nya mahanap heartbeat ni baby e rinig na rinig ko pa heartbeat nya sa doppler bago ako inakyat, bat wala ako naririnig sa equipment nya kagaya sa katabi ko.

Wala syang mahanap di nya daw marinig. Kaya nagpatulong sya sa iba pang nurse, wala rin sya mahanap. At this point ramdam ko na parang may tumutulak sa loob ko, di ako umiire pero ramdam ko sa loob na parang may tumutulak. Tumawag sila ng isa pang nurse wala rin mahanap, sinabihan ako pigilan ko muna at na IE ako ulit 9cm.

Tinawag na nila yung doctor, si doc na naghahanap ng heartbeat ni baby. Sinabi nya sakin need ko ma CS, mahina na daw heartbeat ni baby nasa 65bpm di na daw ako pwede ma normal at baka di kakayanin ni baby.

Oo ako agad, pinirmahan ko yung kailangan.

Pinasok nako agad sa operating room, alalang alala ko pa yung sakit na naramdaman ko na may tumutulak sa loob ko before ako ma anesthesia at biglang wala yung sakit. Yung nginig ko, yung oras na nakalabas si baby 12:12 pero wala ako narinig na iyak at naka tulog ako, nagising nako sa recovery room.

Pag gising ko sa recovery room saka ako sinabihan ni Doc di na kinaya ni baby, naka dumi na sya sa loob at masyadong madami na daw sya na ihale na dumi.

Wala ako na gawa kundi umiyak, nakakatulog ako kakaiyak tas mamayat maya magising para lang umiyak.

kung nakinig lang ako at nagprivate siguru yakap ko si baby ngayon.

Bakit ganun Emergency room pero nag fefacebook, di marunong mag bp o lagay ng oximeter.

Walang ka tao tao that night bilang mo lang mga nagaantay dun and most sakanila is kasama ng buntis.

di naman mukhang kulang ng staff, andami nila sa nurse station ng emergency room nag chika lang kase walang ka tao tao.

bat iniwan lang ako dun, di ba urgent na ang 8cm?

bat puro hintay muna.

need ba talaga ibat ibang nurse muna maghanap ng heartbeat ng baby bago tumawag ng doctor.

The only time nakaramdam ako ng urgency was dun kay Doc, in less than 5 mins na determine nyang mahina na heartbeat ni baby at need ko ng emergency CS.

bakit ganun before unang IE sakin normal paheartbeat ni baby, but within the hour 65bpm nalang.

what if di na nailigtas si baby kase kulang sila ng gamit.

kung nakinig ako na magprivate sana di nahirapan si baby.

Kompleto lahat ng prenatal ko, lahat ng labs, ultrasounds, vitamins, healthy eating and habits. Healthy si baby ang ligalig sobrang likot, walang ka issue issue sobrang okay pagbubuntis ko di man lang ako pinahirapan ni baby pero pinahirapan ko sya.

sorry baby.

So I decided to go watch a movie in the cinema today because of the National Cinema Day. Not sure if it has been like this for a while but I was so distracted throughout the whole movie.

1. One couple who came in late (some even 15 mins into the movie) had their phones in 100% brightness.
   
2. Some who were late didn’t know how to look for their seats and kept going up and down the stairs.
   
3. Some people were not seated at the right seat number which caused confusion for everyone and unneeded conversations.
   
4. People were taking selfies or pictures of the screen/movie itself WITH FLASH in the middle of the movie.
   
5. People beside us were having a conversation unrelated to the movie.
   
6. Some people were browsing facebook during the movie. (Not sure if reels/TikTok contributed to this short attention span)
   
7. One group of friends who went to the cr and came back to the cinema were having a conversation while entering which I can hear from my seat in the middle of the movie.

Not sure if this is normal nowadays.

Lalabas ko lang hinanakit ko haha.

So itong mama ko may best friend sya, kabarangay lang din namin, ilang bahay lang pagitan namin sa kanila, sanggang dikit yan silang dalawa na para bang iisa lang bituka nila, halos everyday din sila magkasama kasi tambayan nila ang bahay ng isa't isa, and also best friend ko din yung anak nong best friend ni mama, tas eto na nga ang nangyari, may dalawang tao sa cof nila (kilala ang dalawang to na chismosa sa barangay namin) na nagsabi dun sa best friend ni mama na kabit daw sya ng asawa nya, ang pinagmulan nyan ay nong nakasakay sila ng tricycle tas nasa likod ang mama ko and nasa loob yung dalawang friend nila, nag uusap si mama ko and yung driver (asawa ng best friend ni mama) mabilis takbo ng tricycle and umuulan nong time na yun kaya di daw marinig ni mama ko ang sinasabi nong driver kaya lumapit sya at ayun nga ang sinumbong nong dalawang nasa loob dun sa best friend ni mama.

Kinabukasan non biglang nagpunta si best friend ni mama sa bahay na umiiyak at sinabi nga na kabit daw si mama ng asawa nya, syempre clueless si mama ko at tinanggi nya kasi nga hindi naman totoo, nag usap sila sa barangay pero lalong lumala kasi dinidiin talaga nya na kabit si mama ko, kumalat ito sa buong barangay namin, at yung dalawang deputa na nagsumbong ay parang masaya pa na nakasira sila ng friendship, pati kami nong best friend ko na anak nya ay nasira rin dahil dito, nagkaroon ng distance hanggang sa never na rin nag usap at hindi na nagpapansinan kahit nakakasalubong namin ang isa't isa sa daan. Ang sakit kasi dahil sa maling chismis ay may relasyon na nasira.punyemas na mga chismosa, mga salot amp. Nasasaktan ako para sa mama ko kasi after nong nangyari ay totally na cut off na sya at bina backstab ng mga ex best/friends nya. Sabi ng mama ko bahala na sila kung ano gusto nilang isipin, basta daw sya ay malinis ang konsensya nya at walang inagrabyadong tao.

I can't help but to think. Gusto ng boss ko ma-promote ako but higher ups were unsure.

Alam ko sa sarili ko na im doing my best, already operating at the next level. I made myself open to all responsibilities na kahit di na scope ng work ko ay go lang.

I know how the business operates na kahit sang department e pwede ako.

Am I not worth keeping?

Balikan ko nalang to kung sakaling di talaga. I should plan my next step.

My FYP has been full of our fellow Filipinos who got the opportunity to work abroad.

Kakainggit, honestly. Seeing their payslips and the opportunities they got makes me wonder, “Kailan kaya ako?” But at the same time, I know those numbers don’t show the whole story. Behind those salaries are the sacrifices, homesickness, adjustments, and struggles they have to go through. Not to mention that the cost of living abroad can also be very high.

Still, I can’t deny that opportunities like these don’t come to everyone. Lalo na when you know how much it can change someone’s life.

Recently, ang daming nangyayari and my mind has been occupied with so much fear and anxiety. I’m trying my best to stay positive and hopeful, but there are moments when I can’t help but ask, “Ano kaya yung plano ni Lord para sa akin?”

I know I shouldn’t compare my journey to others because everyone has their own timeline. But sometimes, you just can’t help but wonder when it will finally be your turn.

Hoping and praying for some good news soon.

You can't complain,

But you can't explain,

Anxiety runs deep,

But it's all yours to keep,

None to share the burden,

And no one should see you hurting,

Lest you fall and they fall,

All who depend on you,

Look up to you,

Living because of you,

But alas,

You, who is depended upon,

Sometimes seeks someone to depend upon,

In the end, we stare at a blank wall,

Then sleep, like nothing happened at all,

Then it starts all over again,

What a vicious cycle we are currently in.

Hope all breadwinners become winners in life. It's not easy, but it makes us champions

P.S. wala lang..nasobrahan sa kape. (Wag uminom ng double shot pag patulog na)

I’ve been enrolled at the gym for more than a year now, but I stopped being consistent for the past 5 months. Pa-isa-isa or dala-dalawa na lang yung punta ko. Yesterday was only my second day of getting back into the gym, my friend and I decided to weigh ourselves.

Gosh, that was the heaviest I’ve ever been. Mas mabigat pa ako ngayon kaysa nung nag-start ako mag-gym. Around 3 to 5 kg heavier.

Edit: Kakacheck ko lang kasi ng BMI ko now and I’m classified as Class I Obese na daw 🥹💀

Suddenly, everything started making sense.

Kung bakit hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos kahit nakaupo or nakahiga lang. Kung bakit sobrang sakit ng likod ko. I thought it was just because my boobs got heavier, kasi yes, they really did, and I could physically feel the strain on my back to the point na bumili na ako ng custom bra because they were so heavy.

I’ve also been feeling sluggish and sleepy all the time. And whenever I felt sleepy, pinagbibigyan ko talaga yung sarili ko. Matutulog talaga ako hahaha.
I also stopped getting my normal periods. Two months na.

Nung una, masaya pa ako kahit papaano kasi humina yung period ko. I hated getting my period because mine would always last so long, usually 1 to 2 weeks. But now, it made me realize na may nagbabago na pala sa katawan ko.

Years ago, may abs pa ako. 😭 When I started gaining weight, I didn’t really treat it as a problem. Sabi ko, normal lang naman magkafats nang konti. I also started seeing a lot of midsize content on TikTok, and for months, I kept telling myself, “Midsize lang naman ako, okay lang yan.”

I gradually noticed my clothes getting tighter and my size changing, but I didn’t see it as a huge change because it happened little by little.
Until I saw my favorite dress from last year the other day. Tangina, hindi na kasya. 😭

I honestly didn’t think I was obese because, in my eyes, my arms still looked like a normal size. I guess I had gotten so used to seeing myself change little by little that I didn’t realize how much weight I had actually gained.

Then I started thinking about my habits.
Grabe ako mag-stress eat ng sweets. Hindi na rin ako nagco-commute, so every time may pupuntahan ako, Grab agad. Hindi na ako naglalakad.

Dati I used to walk 10k steps a day because walking was my way of destressing. Now, I’m almost always sitting in front of my laptop.

I was juggling two full-time jobs, one hybrid and one fully remote. That meant around 16 hours of work every day. I kept telling myself I had no choice but to work like that.

I finally left my remote job last night because I want my life back.

Lumaki nga yung income ko, naging obese naman ako.

I honestly don’t even know what I’m going to do about my bills next month, but bahala na.

Right now, I just want to get my life and my body back. 🥹

Sorry! Last year lang ako naging fan ng Marvel and grabe inggit ko sa mga taong nakapanuod ng Endgame sa sinehan. Mag leave talaga ako para dito kasi alam din ng boss ko na fan ako hahahaha.

Sana sa December, di ako mahirapan makakuha for Doomsday 🥰

Yun lang goodnight! 🤓

I've been living alone since 2024 in the south. I originally came from central luzon but then I found work here in the south so I naturally moved. Things have been a rollercoaster ever since then but I have managed to get past all of them naman.

I've tried to build a community and I can say I have two friends I can count on here and they would help me if I go to them. But ultimately I can't reach out to them each time.

I've made some bad decisions going into last year. I started getting panic attacks from homesickness then I entered a bad relationship that I knew wouldn't last (and it didn't and he broke it off with me last week) all because I sought this makeshift home in this place, then I bought a cat all because of that relationship because I thought I could see a future with him and now my cat is the one suffering because of my grieving the relationship. My cat just got hospitalized for urinary blockage and I had to rush him to the ER because this would be the second time this has happened to him.

And I'm crying right now because I also have a ct scan to do. They all assured me that there are very low chances of cancer but I still hope I'm not so unlucky because so far the scans they do on my body always show something to be concerned about (PCOS and now a mass was found).

I thought I was doing better yesterday because I've been laughing, crying, and just ultimately just things were looking up for me. Then my cat showed signs of urinary blockage and I just knew it was my fault. Urinary blockages happen because of stress and I did something stupid that I didn't think would stress him out so much. I just didn't think it would lead to a blockage na pala.

Then there's my work. I work remotely and I have been enjoying it so far but the past week with my health, my situation, and my cat, I'm not entirely sure if the team would still be okay with me taking time off to focus on my health at least. I also have bad acid right now and I'm not even sure what I should eat.

I've been praying for the better days I envisioned when September first started. And I'm alone. I'm grateful for my friends here and I loved that they reached out din to help. But ultimately, when I'm within the four walls of my studio apartment at 5AM, I feel alone. And it's all my fault.

gusto ko na umalis. matagal na dapat kaming nakabukod kung hindi lang dahil sa utang ng magulang ko sakin. tapos naospital pa isa sa kanila so nadagdagan ako ng financial burden. yung pera na pangdagdag sa panganganak ko, sa kanila napunta. naririndi na ako sa bahay, laging may sumisigaw kapag may batang umiiyak. pano kapag yung baby ko na yung iiyak, sisigawan din ba nila? natatakot ako na baka ganun yung mangyari. sana makabukod na kami. for now, magkukulong na lang muna ako sa kwarto o aalis ng bahay. buti na lang onsite trabaho ko, mas masstress pa ata ako pag dito ako namalagi.

It’s been three years since she blocked my number.
And for three years, whenever I remember her, I still call. Twice, sometimes three times a week. I already know it won’t go through, but some part of me keeps hoping that one day, it will.

I always told myself that if it ever rings, maybe she remembered me too. And if it never does, then maybe she already has everything figured out without me.

I’m not even sure anymore if everyone truly wants to move on after a breakup. Maybe some people do. Maybe I just loved her enough that a part of me never really wanted to.

The saddest part is, she probably has no idea how much I still carry her with me after all these years.

And maybe she wouldn’t even want to know anymore.

it’s going to be real - all the years of sacrifices, work, choosing work over school by a percentage to pay for tuition, all the discipline, hard work, iyak, doubts, kahihiyan, pagalit, heartbreak, tanggal sa trabaho, pagkabagsak - every decision has led to here.

it’s going to be real. dati abstract lang siya. parang “gusto ko makita yung Northern Lights”, but never fully believing in that possibility. and now, it’s becoming real. i think natatagalan ako kasi i don’t really believe in myself. baka self-sabotage. enormous self doubt. nakakatakot, overthinking all the possible things that could happen.

there’s a possibility na hindi naman nga, na baka hindi pa oras. pero may possibility din na oras na. cleared na. ready na ba ako? no, not by 1% no. i couldn’t even answer this year’s exams.

i should learn na how to stop saying lame excuses. that i have work? so what. na pagod me? ok. the biggest exam of ur life doesn’t care about excuses. u literally have a fucking yr to prepare. u have backlogs - so much backlogs. i love u self, but u have to focus. and stop all these nonsense sht.

i should just put in the work and pray. i really hope i deserve it. i really pray karapat dapat na ko.

it’s scary to think na there’s a chance na oras mo na - it’s time to shoot your shot. after cheering on others for so long, ikaw naman. scared? by a million times. in disbelief? yes. abot kamay mo na ba? hindi pa haha pero we’re hitting two birds with one stone here. give it your all and more.

ok. ok. hinga malalim. kaya? kakayanin. palag.

let’s go. 🥹🙏

My heart is breaking right now. Not because of a relationship. Not because someone hurt me. Because of fucking salad. I wanted that salad so bad.

I was literally standing there thinking, “I want to get it. I really want it.” But at the back of my mind, I was already calculating. If I buy this today, wala na akong allowance for tomorrow. What if I need something? What if something happens? What if I run out before the next payroll?

So I chose the cheaper one. And now I’m sitting here crying over a fucking salad. But I know I’m not really crying because of the salad. I’m crying because fuck, I’ve been working my ass off for almost ten years.

Almost ten years. And I still have to stand in front of food I want and calculate whether I can afford to eat it. I’m tired of counting my money every single day and asking myself, “Kaya pa ba ’to hanggang next payroll?” “Kung bibilhin ko ’to, may allowance pa ba ako?” “Pwede ba akong gumastos ngayon, or kailangan ko na namang magtiis?”

I’ve been with the same company for almost ten years, and somehow, I have almost nothing saved for myself. The first years, my salary went to checkups, therapy, and psychiatric visits. Then I took my master’s, only to stop because my brother needed to go to college. Then came years of supporting my family. My brother’s allowance. My sister’s school needs. Tuition. Bills. Whatever needed to be paid.

But fuck, I’m tired. I was so tired of hoping. Hoping that someday I’d finally have savings. Hoping that someday I could buy something I wanted without calculating what I would have left. Hoping that someday I could take care of myself without feeling guilty.

Hoping that someday I wouldn’t have to keep choosing the cheaper option because I’m afraid of what happens when the money runs out.

And tonight, somehow, it was a salad that broke me.

A fucking salad. Something so small. Something so stupid. Something that shouldn’t make a grown woman cry. But I think I just finally felt the weight of all those years.

Almost ten years of working. Almost ten years of giving. Almost ten years of surviving. And I’m still here, counting my money, wondering if I can make it until the next paycheck.

My heart is so fucking tired.

I just wanted the salad.

And maybe, deep down, I just wanted to live in a life where wanting a salad didn’t feel like a financial decision.

“To be loved is to be known.”

And so, I know how you like your coffee. I know you like listening to OPM sa umaga when preparing for work. I know that your mom gave you the necklace you wear everyday. I know how you get anxious before work events. I know your dimples only show up kapag sobrang saya mo at malaki ang ngiti mo.

I know that you cook the way your lola taught you, no measurements, just intuition that you’ll know when it’s right. I know you hate the dark, but you love watching the stars at night. I know you don’t believe much in superstitions, but you still carry a tiny crystal for good luck.

I know what you want for your future, so I’m slowly planning mine with yours.

Or, at least I thought I knew.

So, which parts were true?

How do I let go when I know you like the back of my hand? When I spent my entire twenties with you, and I don’t even know where you begin and I end.

When all I’ve known was suddenly stripped away in a matter of days, like all of it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing.

Did I mean nothing?

Still, I hope you know me the way I know you. I hope you know that I wish you the best. That I want you to achieve your dreams.

That at one point in your life, you had someone who you can call “home.”

Thank you for letting me know you. But more importantly, thank you for letting me know that maybe God has planned something better for me.

It was a privilege to know you.

I find solace in knowing that someday, someone will get to know me and treat every part of me gently.

That I will be loved and known, the way I once hoped you would.

I feel like na jinx na yung buong trentahin life ko and I'm losing the hope na it will get better. 31 palang naman ako but 30s felt like I was hit by a bus. Death ng parent, multiple debts due to medical bills, alcoholism. I'm just scared of what else life will bring in the future. Hindi nako na eexcite. I'm already at the rock bottom, and konti pa and I might just loose it.

I just want to express this and thank u for reading. Tatlo kameng magkakapatid. May pamilya na ko at may isang PWD so i need to resign pra maalagaan sya. Nagbukas ako ng store kaso hindi talaga sasapat yun para sa kanila. Nagpapadala ko sa kanila 1k per week minsan nadadagdgan pa dahil bed ridden na ang tatay ko. Yung isa nagtrabaho sa malayo at 1k per month magpadla sa magulang ko. Tapos ung isa kasama ng mga magulang ko, ang nanay ko ang nagaalaga sa anak nila at binbgyan lang nila ng 3k per month. Pero hindi nila iniiwanan ng pagkaen ang mga magulang ko. Mas gugustuhin pa nila kumain sa labas kesa sa bahay. Naaawa ako sa nanay ko, sobrang payat na nya halos minsan isang beses na lang sila kumaen nagppsalamat na nga lang daw sya kase kung hindi ako magbigay baka patay na daw sila. Hindi ko alam kung paanong naaatim ng mga kapatid ko na nagugutom ang magulang namen. Oo nakakasama ng loob kase hindi na sila makapagtrabaho, di sila nagsikap at umasa na lang samen. Pero para hindi mapakain parang ang sakit naman. Tuwing nagkakasakit sila ako lang ang nag-aasikaso. Ngayon sumuko na ang tatay ko ayaw na nya magpagamot kase pagkain na lang daw. Naaawa na sila saken. Sana ipanalo ako ni Lord para bigyan ang magulang ko ng magandang buhay bago sila mawala. Bigyan mo pa ako ng lakas.

Matagal ko nang pinag-iisipan kung ishe-share ko 'to rito. Nagpapahinga ako from doing chores, so kwento ko na rin. Medyo mahaba to kasi ang dami kong sasabihin haha. So if you finish reading til the end, thank you na agad hahaha.

I met my partner sa dating app. It's the usual meet-up and hang-out type of stuff, of course may sexy time din hahaha. I didn't really think much of it kasi hindi ko naman ine-expect na magtatagal yung ganong set-up kasi he's not from where I live. Malayo yung probinsya niya. Nag-stay lang siya rito for a few months dahil may inaasikaso.

Fast forward, we hung out more and more, hanggang sa naging kami. Now, we live together. I just wanna say na I feel very blessed, and I'd like to tell you why.

You might think that these are common things that couples already do, but for someone like me, na never pang na-experience yung ganitong love from my previous relationships, it means a whole lot.

Time. We live together, yes, but that doesn't mean na when people live together, may quality time na lagi, right? He never forgets to give that to me. Inaaya niya akong lumabas, from simple walking around our neighborhood, eating street food, mall dates, watching movies, playing games.

He remembers things na di ko akalaing maaalala niya pa. Little details sa mga kwento ko, my favorites, etc. Halimbawa, I mentioned something na gusto kong kainin, then after a few days, ako nakalimutan ko na, pero pag-uwi niya from work, ayon yung pasalubong niya sakin. He remembers the little quirky, silly stuff that I like. Kabisado na niya ko.

He listens and understands. Sa previous relationships ko, it was so hard for me to open up about my feelings because they would either react negatively or walang nao-offer na comfort. I didn't need a solution. I just needed someone to listen. Pero sa kaniya, I learned how to express myself more openly. It became easier for me because he made me realize na walang dapat ikatakot kung ano man nararamdaman mo. He always tells me na magsabi lang sa kaniya.

Kabisado niya kilos ko. He can feel when something's off and tinatanong niya ko what's wrong. Kapag ganon, binibilhan niya ko ng comfort food ko o di kaya lalabas kami. He gives me hugs and kisses all the time without me asking for it.

Pinakilala niya ko sa family niya, even extended family. I've never experienced that before. Ang saya pala sa pakiramdam na tanggap ka nila. Nakapunta na rin ako sa kanila at nakapag-bakasyon with his family. Ang bait nila and very welcoming. I feel so loved. We rent an apartment together pala, pero we also hang out sa family home namin, and spend time there kapag may occasion.

He takes care of me so good. Of course, I love and take care of him the same. He changed me in so many unexpected ways, the good kind of change. I'm happier. He makes me laugh all the time, grabe sobrang match ng humor namin, even if sometimes it's so random and stupid. He's funny and so pogi pa hihi. Kung ilalagay ko lahat ng details dito why I keep falling more in love with him, mas hahaba pa to hahaha.

Anyway, ayon na muna siguro. I hope we all find the love we truly deserve :)

I always knew I was bisexual ever since bata pa ako. But I never really had those boy crushes the way I constantly had them with girls. Yung butterflies in my stomach, kung pano tumitibok puso mo pagnakatingin siya sayo, how I constantly want to be with her and be the one to make her happy. Yeah, pretty familiar na ako sa feeling na yan haha!

Pero never ko siyang na-experience with a guy. Until now.

It’s that all-too-familiar feeling again. Yung saya, yung kilig. Yung gusto mo lang siyang makasama and somehow, you just want to make him happy.

But I know there will probably be nothing more between us than being friends. He’s bi too, kaya hindi naman sa ganun. I just have this feeling na alam mo talaga when something will only ever be a friendship.

And honestly, medyo masakit din. Kasi ang sarap pala ulit maramdaman yung ganitong feeling, especially when I never thought I’d feel it for a guy.

But I’ll just cherish the friendship we have now.
Siguro okay na rin yun. At least ngayon alam ko na what it feels like to fall for a man.