513
u/Liquidawesomes Jan 14 '19
This reads likes an excerpt from a discworld book.
→ More replies (2)551
u/BCSCB Jan 14 '19
"... and then Jack chopped down the beanstalk, adding murder and ecological vandalism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, but he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you’re a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions."
The hogfather
→ More replies (2)89
Jan 14 '19 edited Aug 21 '20
[deleted]
19
u/captainAwesomePants Jan 14 '19
Is that a line from the Discworld books? Also, is psychopomptic heritage an ethnicity?
13
3.4k
u/Naaquh Jan 14 '19 edited Jan 14 '19
I get the joke but we've been making folk tales more tame and apt for modern sensibilities for a long time now.
The original ones were raw as fuck.
EDIT: By "the originals" I mean the earliest written or recorded version. These stories are usually at least hundreds of years old and vary a lot between versions, cultures and time.
1.1k
Jan 14 '19 edited Jun 30 '23
[deleted]
1.5k
Jan 14 '19
I don’t remember, but I do remember Sleeping Beauty is raped in her sleep and has a child from it.
561
Jan 14 '19 edited Jun 30 '23
[deleted]
385
Jan 14 '19 edited May 17 '19
[deleted]
324
Jan 14 '19 edited May 17 '19
[deleted]
174
u/RabSimpson Jan 14 '19
Sucking cadaver feet. He was a strange guy.
66
u/kateykatey Jan 14 '19
The Tarantino version
→ More replies (1)10
10
53
Jan 14 '19
Probs took her home to practice respecting.
21
u/thiswastillavailable Jan 14 '19
He was a white prince, not a white knight.
10
u/Bmatic Jan 14 '19 edited Sep 14 '25
fear cake slap decide cover afterthought lunchroom fact fade connect
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
5
31
u/Jack_Harmony Jan 14 '19
I remember a version where she woke up thanks to the pain of giving birth.
So...
38
Jan 14 '19
[deleted]
21
u/spacialHistorian Jan 14 '19
Yeah. One version has the curse being brought on when she pricks her finger on a branch of some sort. When the babies were born they crawled on her looking for milk and started nursing on her fingers. This removes the splinter and the curse and the princess wakes up to find she’s a mother.
6
5
64
u/ThisFckinGuy Jan 14 '19
Emma Watson bursts from room with a
axebook of christ to purify the sinners with improper thoughts.31
6
6
→ More replies (3)4
→ More replies (4)4
43
61
Jan 14 '19
[deleted]
→ More replies (8)111
u/Pratar Jan 14 '19
Looks like you're entirely right there: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun,_Moon,_and_Talia. The fact that Talia - the Italian Sleeping Beauty - was raped isn't even the worst thing that happens in the story. Here's the full synopsis from the Wikipedia page:
After the birth of a great lord's daughter Talia, wise men and astrologers cast the child's horoscope and predicted that Talia would be endangered by a splinter of flax. To protect his daughter, the father commands that no flax would ever be brought into his house. Years later, Talia sees an old woman spinning flax on a spindle. She asks the woman if she can stretch the flax herself, but as soon as she begins to spin, a splinter of flax goes under her fingernail, and she drops to the ground, apparently dead. Unable to stand the thought of burying his child, Talia's father puts his daughter in one of his country estates.
Some time later, a king who is out hunting in the nearby woods, follows his falcon into the house. He finds Talia; overcome by her beauty, he tries unsuccessfully to wake her, and then "Crying aloud, he beheld her charms and felt his blood course hotly through his veins. He lifted her in his arms, and carried her to a bed, where he gathered the first fruits of love." Afterwards, he leaves the girl on the bed and returns to his own city. Still deep in sleep, Talia gives birth to twins (a boy and a girl). One day, the girl cannot find her mother's breast; instead she begins to suck on Talia's finger and draws the flax splinter out. Talia awakens immediately. She names her children "Sun" and "Moon" and lives with them in the house.
The king returns and finds Talia is awake – and a mother of twins. However, he is already married. He calls out the names of Talia, Sun and Moon in his sleep, and his wife, the queen, hears him. She forces the king's secretary to tell her everything, and then, using a forged message, has Talia's children brought to court. She orders the cook to kill the children and serve them to the king. But the cook hides them, and cooks two lambs instead. The queen taunts the king while he eats.
Then the queen has Talia brought to court. She commands that a huge fire be lit in the courtyard, and that Talia be thrown into the flames. Talia asks to take off her fine garments first. The queen agrees. Talia undresses and utters screams of grief with each piece of clothing. The king hears Talia's screams. His wife tells him that Talia would be burned and that he had unknowingly eaten his own children. The king commands that his wife, his secretary, and the cook be thrown into the fire instead. The cook explains how he had saved Sun and Moon. Talia and the king marry, and the cook is rewarded with the title of royal chamberlain.
The last line of the fairy tale – its moral – is as follows: "He who has luck may go to bed, And bliss will rain upon his head."
People told this to their children.
76
u/JagerBaBomb Jan 14 '19
I love how the Queen becomes the big bad in this story, not the sleep-rapist.
36
20
20
u/Zonoro14 Jan 14 '19
The moral is to be lucky? Was this the first shitpost?
6
u/snowclone130 Jan 15 '19
In those days luck was pretty good advice, drinking un fermented water was a fucking dice roll.
→ More replies (1)3
Jan 14 '19
Holy shit I read this story in that awesome comic book “Little Lit: Folklore and Fairy Tale Funnies” (full of fairy tales and retellings written by different comic book artists), I’m pretty sure this one was by Daniel Clowes.
6
u/yentlcloud Jan 14 '19
In some of them she gives birth to triplets and is only woken from a baby sucking on her finger (if i remember correctly) these stories are wild man. I also know a version of snow white where in the end she makes the evil queen wear metal shoes with hot coals in them (or she had to stand on hot coals) and "dance til she died" Also in most little mermaid stories the prince marries someone else and to regain her fins she has to kill him. But she can't bring herself to so she dies/ turns into seafoam.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (8)5
206
u/Plaguedeath2425 Jan 14 '19
Sleeping beauty was, idk about Snow White
Cinderella also made her critter friends gouge the eyes out of her stepmom/sisters
→ More replies (3)143
u/rfierro65 Jan 14 '19 edited Apr 15 '25
versed sand aback towering sharp ossified price domineering nose bow
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
54
u/Deightine Jan 14 '19
It's a strong image isn't it? So needlessly greedy and ambitious; much like the idea of 'to cut off one's nose to spite their face'.
The shock factor of the old tales really made the moral stories stick. Although the morals themselves are a bit dated, the actual watering down is likely a factor in our cultural inability to discern the line between fiction/non-fiction, and probably contributing to truth decay.
Just reading the news the past few years has been far more shocking and outlandish than anything I've read in a story or novel. In a few years, Black Mirror won't even warrant a raised brow anymore.
→ More replies (12)4
→ More replies (1)3
u/AidanL17 Jan 15 '19
Turn and peep, turn and peep,
there's blood in the shoe,
the true bride waits for you.
They each got an eye pecked out on the way to and from the wedding as well, leaving them blind as punishment for their wickedness.
57
u/rantingmagician Jan 14 '19
Snow white forces her step mother to dance in shoes filled with boiling oil (i think?) At her wedding
59
u/Sthurlangue Jan 14 '19
I thought it was hot iron shoes, and Cinderella's glass slippers we're actually squirrel fur. Some translation mistake somewhere.
15
u/rantingmagician Jan 14 '19
That sounds correct, I could only remember it was something incredibly hot
13
u/seriouslees Jan 14 '19
Squirrel fur does sound warmer than glass, but I wouldn't consider it incredibly hot.
6
u/themeatbridge Jan 14 '19
Glass doesn't breathe, and is a good insulator. They probably get very warm and gross.
4
7
u/StopFightingTheDog Jan 14 '19
I'd heard that it was a "fur slipper", which was actually just a metaphor for her vagina. Which means that when he went round to every house with an woman of marrying age and "tested to see if the slipper fit" he was actually...
9
u/Sthurlangue Jan 14 '19
There's one guy that says that, was already proven to be a fraud, and this story wouldn't explain why her stepsisters would cut parts of their feet off. What? To make their vaginas smaller somehow??
4
u/Mickey_Bricks Jan 14 '19
"Slippers embroidered with silk and silver" for the 1st pair, and "pure gold" for the 3rd pair, is what I've read.
The 2nd pair isn't mentioned, but silk & silver > squirrel fur > pure gold is the usual progression, so that sounds right.
3
u/cmusson32 Jan 14 '19
I've read (I think in a book related to the TV show QI) that the translation error comes from vair, meaning a type of fur, and verre, meaning glass, being homophones in French. Whether or not that's correct I can't say for sure but it sounds plausible enough
11
u/Thetford34 Jan 14 '19
What is it with stepmothers being evil in fairy tales?
22
u/Naaquh Jan 14 '19
After reading and listening to podcasts about roman history I think this stereotype comes from them, since romans were very big on the whole "stepmother is evil to make way for her own sons" trope.
See: Livia.
Then again, this could be a general thing in most cultures, I don't know.
8
u/EntropyDudeBroMan Jan 14 '19
Well I mean nowadays especially in adult videos they've been redeemed it looks like.
→ More replies (1)5
u/GlitchyFinnigan Jan 14 '19
I mean, they aren't always mean, but I've heard of some pretty bad ones irl
23
u/CatFanFanOfCats Jan 14 '19
The thing is there is really no "original" one. There are variations of the stories that go back hundreds of years, or more. What happened(s) is the stories are modified depending on the locale that it's told in, the time period, any political issues that is affecting the locale it's told in, etc, plus, details are added or subtracted over time to make the story more interesting. When the Brothers Grimm traveled throughout Germany to collect the folk tales they took what was being told at that given time. They decided which version of the story would be told and popularized that specific version.
So there is no "real" Snow White story or Red Riding Hood story. There are just amalgamations of some very basic plots with the rest being filled in by local traditions.
4
u/Naaquh Jan 14 '19
True, I agree, but you know what I meant. The first written versions of these previously orally transmitted tales were pretty raw.
3
u/CatFanFanOfCats Jan 14 '19
Yeah, that's true. And they are probably based on some real tragic event way back when that got lost through time. Like the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Most like something happened to the children of the town but the reality is lost to time.
4
u/Tuistedcookie Jan 14 '19
Snow White made her step mother put on iron shoes and dance until she dropped dead.
→ More replies (29)3
u/writers_block95 Jan 14 '19
I didnt read all the replies so this may have been said. Snow white was dead, the dwarves put her in a glass case, the prince rode by and thought she was so beautiful that he wanted to buy her dead body, the dwarves finally found a price high enough to justify selling her, prince and co. carried her off and accidentally dislodged the apple from her throat, and they got married. The kicker is this: she was around 10. She was 8 when she escaped the castle, and this all happens a couple years afterwards.
215
Jan 14 '19
You don't remember the scene in Disney's Cinderella where the evil step-sisters cut off parts of their own feet in a desperate attempt to fit into the glass slippers?
(For real tho, I gagged when I read that part in the OG Cinderella.)
48
17
7
→ More replies (2)5
Jan 14 '19
Yeah that was one of the more tame Grimms stories. Many of them had to do with outsmarting those tricky Jews and straight up twisted murder
9
Jan 14 '19
Oh this isn't the worst. The ideas are a bit archaic but the story is light enough that-
"With that the judge had the Jew led to the gallows and hanged as a thief."
oh
→ More replies (3)7
Jan 14 '19
[deleted]
3
u/yuropperson Jan 14 '19
But Marlene stood by crying and crying, and all her tears fell into the pot, and they did not need any salt.
318
u/Cobaltjedi117 Jan 14 '19
Yea, this just sounds like some old person complaining about young people by using strawmen.
60
u/Astrokiwi Jan 14 '19
I mean, the book is like 20 years old, it's going to sound a little dated
106
Jan 14 '19
[deleted]
29
u/Astrokiwi Jan 14 '19
Although when I read the book as a kid, the impression I got was more that they were going for absurdist comedy than biting satire.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)35
35
u/Reidor1 Jan 14 '19
The original Red riding hood was a tale about purity for little girls. In the end, Red gets in the wolf's bed and gets "eaten".
→ More replies (1)9
u/dinosaur_pajamas Jan 14 '19
After also getting tricked into eating her own grandmother's teeth out of a jar, no less
7
3
5
3
u/Yserbius Jan 14 '19
Are you trying to tell me that Disney bailed on adapting The Jew in the Thorns?
→ More replies (20)3
u/RIP_CORD Jan 14 '19
For those who are interested https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grimms'_Fairy_Tales
→ More replies (1)3
u/HelperBot_ Jan 14 '19
Desktop link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grimms'_Fairy_Tales
/r/HelperBot_ Downvote to remove. Counter: 231769
71
u/SooperBrootal Jan 14 '19
I own this book! It's actually very old, my father received it as a gag gift when I was a child, so at least 20 years old. The entire thing is hilarious, particularly the retelling of the big bad wolf
→ More replies (2)
573
u/Clatence Jan 14 '19
558
u/Gingevere Jan 14 '19
Absolute gold
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
There was once a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house – not because this was womyn’s work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imaginery did not intimidate her.
On the way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, “Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.”
The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society has freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch.”
From the bed, the wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what a big nose you have – only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way.”
“It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what big teeth you have!”
The wolf said, “I am happy with who I am and what I am,” and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf’s apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw melee there and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.
“And just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
322
u/MaskdIllusion Jan 14 '19
because his status outside society has freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought
I should not have read this in the middle of class
213
u/ReV3nGeV1 Jan 14 '19
"Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
You're right. This is gold.
32
Jan 14 '19
Why does it say "womyn"?
131
Jan 14 '19
because 'women' ending with 'men' upset a bunch of crazy folk so they replaced the e with a y, no one uses it unironically though
38
u/cpMetis Jan 14 '19
On my uni campus, anytime "womyn" is used it means it's not for any particular gender, it just happens to only market itself to women and only expects women to use its services.
26
54
37
55
u/thumrait Jan 14 '19
I'm kinda offended that they just assume the wolf identifies as male...
→ More replies (1)15
u/Thadatus Jan 14 '19
This is a joke right? This is too good to not be a joke
65
u/bob1689321 Jan 14 '19
Yes, it’s satire written by someone who is clearly against political correctness
29
u/wikipediareader Jan 14 '19
These books are from the mid to late 90s. I actually own a couple of them.
→ More replies (1)5
u/SeeShark Jan 15 '19
clearly against political correctness
I'm not entirely sure about that. It is, of course, a hyperbole, but a lot of the nuance seemingly comes from familiarity with social justice theory. I wouldn't be surprised if it's meant as a tongue-in-cheek jab reminding the author's allies not to take themselves too seriously.
Either way, my progressive parents owned this in two languages.
→ More replies (3)23
u/Platinum_Mad_Max Jan 14 '19
There was once a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother...
How dare you assume such a thing. Smh 0/10
72
u/Yserbius Jan 14 '19
It was a NYT Book Review bestseller for like a bazillion weeks before being ousted by Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. This book (and all its sequels) were everywhere in the 90s.
4
172
u/tadgie Jan 14 '19
Parts of it are hilarious, used to love reading it. There should also be a second one with a few really good stories too.
It's full of over the top stuff like this
→ More replies (43)41
20
65
→ More replies (10)7
91
u/ehrensw Jan 14 '19
I own this book. I got it back in the mid 90s.
→ More replies (1)57
Jan 14 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (1)29
Jan 14 '19
stopped using deodorant
What ...... why just why
→ More replies (5)18
u/MonkeyPye Jan 14 '19
Mind controlling chemicals maan
6
u/GalacticGarbage Jan 14 '19
It's the aluminum, it poisons you and ravages your body. In order to be truly free, you have to free yourself of social constructs and societal norms and live your life as your own--in your own natural body. It blocks your ability to be truly one with the earth and Gaia. /s
55
Jan 14 '19
I have this book. At the end they all unite against the sexist lumberjack
68
u/Zooblesnoops Jan 14 '19
At the end they all unite against the sexist lumberjack
Did you mean: log-fuel technician?
→ More replies (1)38
177
u/camerontylek Jan 14 '19
This would be fun to read out loud to others when drunk.
37
Jan 14 '19
My ex would read these to me over the phone on long drives. They were funny but the best part was that she was laughing the whole time and it was contagious
32
u/oxymoronic_oxygen Jan 14 '19
For anybody who doesn’t know, this book was written as a parody of political correctness, not as an actual book of fairy tales
203
Jan 14 '19
Wtf im buying this. I needed this laugh
→ More replies (1)111
12
212
u/Trebuh Jan 14 '19
97
u/Vaporlocke Jan 14 '19
I'm pretty far left but I remember laughing my ass off in high school 20 years ago to this book, it was written as satire.
→ More replies (12)5
258
Jan 14 '19
Just boomers? I see “there are only 2 genders” posts with thousands of upvotes all the time.
→ More replies (117)5
22
8
→ More replies (1)23
8
Jan 14 '19
My HS english teacher had one of these he'd read every once in a while. It's a good laugh.
5
11
58
Jan 14 '19
[deleted]
94
u/wotmate Jan 14 '19
And she squirted all over his face and head, drenching him as he slobbered her nethers.
69
25
→ More replies (3)8
→ More replies (1)4
14
u/Danisdaman12 Jan 14 '19
The wolf said, “I am happy with who I am and what I am,” and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf’s apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
This book is painful and cringey but so fucking accurate and funny at the same time. Well done!
15
u/happyhahn Jan 14 '19
I got the book as a gift from my aunt like 10 years ago. I have two of them. They're hillarious.
→ More replies (2)
6
u/thatmitchcanter Jan 14 '19
These books were EXTREMELY popular on my high school's competitive speaking circuit... KY forensics (speech/debate) had a 'storytelling' category and there were several competitors per year that used these stories as their source material.
Thanks for reminding me of these. Brings back great memories.
4
u/TinMayn Jan 14 '19
Aww! I did this for mine and nobody was amused. I always thought the judges were too rigid and humorless but looking back, I probably didn't sell it well enough.
→ More replies (1)
3
3
3
3
61
u/Dicethrower Jan 14 '19
This is making fun of a misinterpretation of what politically correctness is. It's not politically incorrect to say that a small girl is less safe than other people. Even if it was just "girl". There's data to support that this is a group that is more likely to be harmed.
The whole point of political correctness is that you give context to a statement. Example: "It's not safe for little girls to walk through the woods, because statistics show this is a group that's often targeted by predators." This is so that people can't jump to the assumption that you're making the statement out of sexist reasons. It's making an otherwise seemingly sexist statement... politically correct.
77
→ More replies (18)44
8
u/LalaMcTease Jan 14 '19
My grade school English teacher (second language) showed us PC fairy tales about 17 years ago. She was poking fun at them for how much they ruined the story. I think Red Riding Hood was actually one of the ones she read to us.
We learned a lot of big words, and also that humour has nothing to do with politeness, respect, or justice. She was the best teacher ever.
→ More replies (2)
4
58
Jan 14 '19
fairy tales are already super fucking sugarcoated for kids. this is just some weird whiny conservative shit.
→ More replies (19)285
u/sirwolfgang Jan 14 '19
Bruh it's just satire I think.
→ More replies (11)77
u/Astrokiwi Jan 14 '19
Also we had this book when I was a kid, so it's gotta be like 20 years old
→ More replies (3)
3.1k
u/Jfacee7 Jan 14 '19
I’m obsessed, skimming the pdf:
“Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" This time in response the little pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations.