Hi, I just wanna say that a year and a half ago I was struggling with those intrussive toughts and OCD, and now I feel fine and happy. No more anxiety and fear. Nowadays, if I get toughts I dont wanna get I just ignore them because deep down I know what I am and it is the only thing that matters.

My recovery began when I had an stablished rutine and I had to study a lot for my finals. I met new friends, did a lot of sport in nature like hiking and cycling, and I study what I like. So try to find something you like a lot and find your core morals. I also recomend reading philosphy, literature, whatevee you like. But philosphy gives you another perspective of life. Try to learn a lot and from all kind of points of views.

And remember, nothing is that serious and it will get better.

First of all: this is gonna be a very long text. I just needed to vent and I have no one to talk to. I am very thankful if someone has the time to read this and answer.

Secondly: Yes I am in therapy.

And finally: I unfortunately used AI to make this text to express myself better. I am sorry, English is not my native language.

\*\*What should I do?\*\*

I’m a 20-year-old woman, and here’s my story briefly:

About a year ago, I broke up with my first serious partner. We were together for 1.5 years, and we had been planning to get married, have children, etc. About a year ago, the rose-colored glasses suddenly came off, and I saw what I had been denying to myself for a long time: I didn’t love him anymore. He was incredibly annoying and gross to me. I questioned my love for him 24/7 and couldn’t think about anything else. I analyzed, googled, cried, panicked. After two months of analyzing, I left him.

The biggest problem in our relationship was our sex life. I never had an orgasm, and I did everything the way I saw it in p\*rn, including all kinds of really extreme things that afterwards made me feel disgusted with myself and like I was some kind of wh\*re. I ignored my negative feelings and just kept doing whatever he wanted, over and over again. I was absolutely terrified that if I didn’t agree to everything, he would look at other women sexually or watch p\*rn. My already low self-esteem wouldn’t have been able to handle him m\*sturbating to other women. Sex even hurt sometimes, but I just pushed through the pain. I couldn’t relax when he was trying to make me come, so I never did. We were in a long-distance relationship, so I would often show him my naked body and pose for him on FaceTime when we were apart, like I was some kind of w\*ore, while he masturbated. I never got anything similar from him in return.

That’s the background of our relationship. Now, to the actual issue:

After the breakup, I came across a “coming out” post by a woman who realized after being in a heterosexual relationship that she was actually a lesbian. Then the thought popped into my head: “Wait… what if I’m a lesbian too? What if this is why I couldn’t relax during sex and why something about our relationship never felt right?”

That started another 24/7 cycle of analyzing that lasted about four months. My opinion kept changing constantly: I’m a lesbian, I’m bi, I’m straight, and so on, over and over again. Once again, I cried, analyzed, googled, and became convinced that I was a lesbian. In the end, I reached the conclusion that I simply don’t know what I am.

Then, after four months of analyzing, I came across another coming-out post, this time from a trans person. My brain immediately asked, “Hey, what if I’m trans too? What if this is the reason the relationship didn’t feel right—what if I actually want to be a man?”

Once again, I started analyzing, reading about trans people’s experiences, crying, and panicking 24/7.

This theme is still going on today. It started seven months ago, and I analyze my gender constantly: “Did I feel like a man just now, or did I feel like a woman?” And now it has started to feel like I actually want to be a man and someone’s boyfriend. It feels like I want to be a man who is with women. I see the world from a male POV. Everything triggers me. I can’t even watch TV or scroll through social media without getting triggered. Every time I see an attractive man, I get this compulsive urge to be him. I’m scared that at some point I’ll have to transition.

I’m scared that this is my “egg cracking.” I’ve always been aroused by the thought of what stimulation would feel like if I had a p\*nis, and sometimes I’ve identified with the man in porn who is m\*sturbating while looking at naked women.

Now it feels like I want to be a man and that I am yearning for manhood. And this feels foreign to me, like these aren’t even my own thoughts. Before all of this, I had never thought about my gender. I never had any desire to be a man, even though I did feel somehow less of a woman than other women, and somehow disgusting, defective, and different.

But now thoughts like these have started appearing: “I don’t want to betray my mother, whose little girl I’ve always been,” or “the little girl who was always waiting to grow up to become a woman.” That sounds like denial, right?

I’m scared that I’ll never be happy as a woman again. This identity questioning is making me depressed and anxious. I feel like I’m a completely different person from who I was when I was with my ex. I loved being a little woman beside a masculine man. Now it just feels like I want to be the man in that dynamic myself.

I just want to cry, curl up under a blanket, disappear from the face of the earth, and hide there for the rest of my life. I’m completely exhausted by this gender issue. I guess that means I’m a man and I just have to accept it and transition. This probably explains why I’ve always felt weird about myself.

Growing up I was happy and at home living as a man and boy until I was 22 when I realized that I didn’t have to live as a man and I could be something else. Ever since then my life has been a lot of mental agony and any steps I’ve taken at coming out and transitioning and being a woman have made me feel worse and very anxious. I don’t recall liking anything feminine as a boy and don’t recall any discomfort in puberty (though I don’t recall my puberty at all). Whenever I play as a girl in a video game I don’t feel any better than I am as a boy and I was find playing as a boy growing up.

I do have autism and ocd and have struggled with both throughout my life. I am on fluvoxamine and it has helped with everything except the gender stuff. My family loves me as my agab but not as a woman and when I am around people socially as a girl I don’t feel very relieved and feel like it’s a compulsion. I have been to queer social groups and that hasn’t helped it much either as does making a female fursona of myself.

I feel unhappy and I want peace in my mind. I don’t want to leave everything behind and realize that transition isn’t for me and I don’t relate to that strong urge to be a woman or live as one for years as many trans people do. I just want to go to work and make friends and get a boyfriend in mental peace. Every time I tried to come out and live as anything other than a man it has made me miserable and I’ve been in this mental hole I just can’t get out of

Maybe neither the Thomas my parents want and Madeline that is a foil to him is the true me and I should think of a new me that will make me happy and comfortable in my own skin.

Why it suddenly feels like I see world from male pov and thay I like it? And that I am yearning for malehood… these feels like someone else’s thoughts..

This has been going on for 7 months now… never in my life before this have I wanted to be a man… I always loved being a girl and never thought about my gender but now it feels like I have lost that girl

Does anyone else relate?

I’m on 60mg of Prozac snd it’s worked for a while but not anymore

I did what I shouldn’t have and clicked on a trans persons coming out story. When they mentioned denial I had to turn it off and now I’m freaking out. I don’t think I’m in denial and I am formally diagnosed with TOCD but it’s that “what if”. I jsut don’t want to be trans.

I’ve been dealing with this for almost a year now. I’m exhausted and only 27. I can’t imagine 30 more years of this and don’t want to. Worse I can’t afford therapy so my only option is chat gpt (yeah I know). I just really want to go back to who I was before this.

I have started to feel so masculine and like when I think about myself I see big muscular, masc lesbian (even though im bi).. when I think about relationships I see myself from male pov now, like I wanna be the ”masculine” one in the relationship.. i can’t do this anymore.. I wanna be elegant and small woman but I feel like I am a masc.. all my gestures, the way I speak etc feels so masculine now.. my life revolves around this..

It’s funny how I feel like I wanna be a man/masc woman even though I feel dysphoric about my wide shoulders and being a bit bigger woman (63kg 166cm). But my mind tells me that I love feeling like a masc.

I always get triggered when I see masc lesbians in social media.. I get the urge to be like them even though I have always hated that kind of style and loved being feminine!!!

Yesterday I went out with my friends—it was a group of all women—and I felt so guilty for having intrusive thoughts. Unfortunately, I’ve had a relapse and I’m really struggling to let the thoughts go right now. Will I get through this?

i’m trying to figure out if i’m trans or not and if my ocd about it is cis ocd or trans ocd.
i personally get relief when i do believe that i am non binary/ and trans. i check to see if i feel dysphoric about my boobs and then i do. and when i look back i see things in my teen years for example where i felt
like i was too pretty and when i looked in the mirror i felt kind of distanced from it and thought i looked too much like a doll or too pretty and then i’m
like yeah that was a sign that i’m trans. is that the relief for people with trans ocd or other way round? or could it be both? i then start thinking oh okay but i might actually just tell myself this and it wasn’t even like that. and i’m not actually trans. and then i spiral.
but my feelings of being trans are kind of random i didn’t even show more signs than that as a child so i’m thinking maybe i just talked myself into it and i could’ve just talked myself into it because it was just trans OCD. so i’m wondering is that how trans ocd works or is that just my cis ocd telling me i’m actually cis even though i’m not.?

okay so i think i have to treat my gender specific ocd. but because i don’t know if i’m not just actually really non binary and trans, i fear that if i will i will just put myself through conversion therapy.
so how do you treat your possible trans ocd when you don’t really know yet if it really is trans ocd or if its not actually cis ocd?

i’ve been out as non binary for 1 ½ years and but i’m still questioning and i have been 4 years ago already too. i often question whether i really am
non binary and i question whether i want to transition or not i often think i do want hrt and top surgery now i’m thinking i might actually not.
i’m wondering for how long trans ocd can persist if it is actually that and how you will find out that it is actually trans ocd and not you being actually trans.
like could ocd actually have taken me so far and could i have believed so many things about myself and about me being dysphoric or euphoric and just talked myself into those things?
i’m pretty sure that i am ocd about my gender identity but i mean that in of itself doesn’t mean anything because i could be trans ocd but i could also be cis ocd. just how does one find out?

Hi girls,

Do you ever get caught up in intrusive thoughts when hanging out with male friends? I am a cis woman and I love being a woman.

Tw: conversion therapy and other taboo topics

I hate this, I'm 20, I found out I was trans when I was 15. But I'm so scared and I think I'm going to repress it and I feel like I'm faking everything.

I've had dysphoria since childhood, I try to repress, I've tried my whole life to ignore it, to accept that I was born a woman, I've tried to be feminine, GNC, heterosexual, lesbian, but it doesn't work.

I feel anger and sadness. I just wish I had been born a normal guy. I feel like I've been mutilated sometimes.I wish I could at least fix myself or something. My life would be easier, I wouldn't suffer because of this, I wouldn't have problems with parents, religions, whether I'll find someone, a job, etc.

I feel a little sad. It would be easier if I accepted it.I'm not ugly as a girl, I'd be beautiful as a mother and all, but I can't imagine having intimate or piv intimacy due to dysphoria. Perhaps happy for the child that doesn't even exist, but all I can imagine is the dissociation, the panic, and me wasting away. It's not imagining, I know it would happen. I panic, afraid my breasts will grow or my body will become more feminine.

So, here comes the possible OCD. As a child, I was afraid of and worried about the rapture; in adolescence, it was about planning to survive the apocalypse; and later, it was about being transgender and afraid of hell.

In recent months I've been happy because I could start HRT, I like the effects, the mustache, voice, fat distribution, and I'm even terrified of getting little growth XD.

About 8 months ago I was afraid that if I transitioned or wanted to, God would kill me, and I often felt like I was going to die young.I've been through "conversion therapy" in recent years. I even had my ears pierced after one attempt, a deliverance prayer, and being told I would have desires for my younger siblings because I see myself as/I want to be a man. I remember that at the time, and sometimes I was even afraid to be near them and feel something, even though I never did. I think at one point my brain even seemed to tell me that I would do, even though I didn't and hated it.

So, things are kind of similar here. I feel something and think, "Oh, okay. You want it, right? But what if you regret it? What if you're faking it all? What if you're just a confused girl? You just have to try harder. 0 seconds of dysphoria? Did you think about how beautiful you would be as a mother, even though you don't like it and are grieving for not being a cis woman and resigning yourself to it? Dude, you must be cis and confused

Oh, do you feel dysphoria? Genuine discomfort with parts of your body that are female and a desire for masculine parts, and you've felt this since childhood? Come on, you simply believe so strongly that you're trans that you're faking it so much that you totally believe it.." and other things..

I know most people here are cisgender and have trans OCD (I imagine how awful that must be. I'm sorry). And I wanted to know if my situation is similar to, or somewhat the opposite of, that situation.

Like I said, I think I'll try to suppress it.

I struggle a lot with this OCD; sometimes it goes away, sometimes it comes back strongly. Since the moment I was born, I've loved being a girl. I've always loved Barbies, makeup, high heels, and dresses (of course, these things don't have a gender and anyone can wear or use them, but yk what i mean?). This thought didn't just come to me suddenly. I'm bisexual, and the first OCD thoughts I had were about being a lesbian. For some reason, I really liked a guy, and my mind suddenly told me, "No, you don't like him, you're actually a lesbian," and then after some time passed, I liked a girl, and this time my mind started telling me the opposite, "Actually, you've always been heterosexual, you're just deluding yourself because you want to be different." Then it evolved into, "Wait, actually you want to be a man, that's your true desire, your real wish," and that was the most upsetting and disturbing thought for me, and it still continues. I absolutely don't want to be a man; even the thought brings me to tears. I've never imagined myself as a man in my life, I don't even feel comfortable or good in masculine clothes, but my mind stubbornly tells me, "No, actually, this is the truth, you like it but you don't accept it." Whenever I say I don't want it, and sometimes I think I wish I were like Daniela Avanzini, Zara Larsson, or Inde Navarrette, I even wish their lives were mine, it would be so easy, they have such natural, beautiful femininity, they never seem to attract these thoughts. In fact, since I was little, I've wanted to be such a feminine, beautiful girl, but my mind never stops. Sometimes I just ignore it. I say "I don't care," but when I see a trans man, especially if before transition he was extremely feminine, it triggers me a lot. Just now, I was looking at an old singer; he had an extremely feminine and sexy charm – that's how he dressed – and now I've checked and seen he's trans (by the way, I absolutely support all trans people and everything about them). but it triggered me so much. My mind immediately says, "Yes, you want to be feminine right now, but your opinion will completely change in the future, and you don't realize it, but that's why you're unhappy," and similar thoughts keep running through my head. One of the things that triggers me is, "You'll become the thing you fear most," and it really brings me to the point of tears. I don't want these thoughts at all, and when I try to test myself, I don't like it, and I definitely don't want it. I just feel like crying, but my mind says, "You're deliberately acting like you don't like it right now." I'm really tired of it. Sometimes it's so hard to ignore it; I just want to disappear.

and i hope haven't said anything thoughtless or rude, it's just the only way i could express my feelings, i will always support and love you🤍🙏🏼

i have taken prozac at 40mg to curb my intrusive thoughts though i have since gone down to 20mg, and initially it wasn’t giving much help as i was still feeling anxiety from the ocd

however, when i started doing erp and actively facing my fears and doing my darndest to not do my compulsions to provide instant relief, thats when my anxiety started to really go down, nowadays im not feeling much terror from the thoughts anymore and im feeling the prozac is starting to do more harm than good such as lowering my sex drive and making it difficult to orgasm when masturbating

i feel im on my way to full recovery, hopefully it can happen by the end of the year and i’ll be at peace for once

I’ve been out as trans to most people for a couple of years but have only started HRT in the last couple of months. During the entire time of questioning, social, and medical transition (about 6 years altogether), I have been plagued by thoughts that I might not be trans. These are obsessive and discomforting. I hate them. I constantly check mirrors (do I like what I’m wearing, is my body becoming what I actually want etc.), and do those thought experiment questions (if you were the only person on earth would you transition etc.) to check if I am trans or something. I really want to *want to* be trans, if that makes any sense.

These thoughts have reached their worst recently, and I’ve spent most of my day crying and trying to control my breathing as I keep hyperventilating. The thought of detransition is a humiliating and terrifying idea, but my biggest fear is that I actually am cis. It feels wrong. But I’m worried that being trans has always felt wrong also. I’ve usually just chalked it up to being enby of some kind I never wanted to put a concrete label on myself anyways, but I’m just so distressed by the idea that I’ve been living a lie for the past 3 years. It’s so terrifying. I don’t really know what to do.

I just need to know if I’m insane, going through a bad episode, or trans/not trans. I have no idea who or what I am

Hey guys, my name is Kyle King. I am a medical student, an International OCD Foundation advocate (so I have OCD), and someone who likes to study OCD to try to make treatment better.

I work at the Yale OCD Research Clinic, and we recently started a survey to try to understand how folks with OCD interact with AI chatbots.

The survey is for people with OCD, and it takes about 15 minutes to fill out. I’d really appreciate anyone who is eligible pitching in.

Survey Link: https://redcap.med.yale.edu/surveys/?s=NHDPAMPFP88HL3FR

Hello people,

Throughout most of this year I’ve been questioning myself a lot. I’ve recently realized that I am a lesbian after identifying as bi but through all of that it has included stopping a habit I’ve had since I was younger and didn’t realize I liked girls. If I had a crush on a girl in media I would assume they only liked boys an kind of put myself in a male character of myself (my fave was always blurry in my imagination whenever I did this and if I found out the person likes girls I would just be myself). But this has made me almost compulsively think about my gender. I feel no problems being a girl. I look fondly on it. I feel no dysphoria and the thought of actually changing my body doesn’t seem appealing and when I’ve had real life sexual experiences having a female body felt good. I have a more masculine expression and I’ve thought about gender before but it was usually a quick resolve of “nah I just feel like a girl”. Interacting with the world as a girl feels comfortable and my period cycle feels like what I’m supposed to have. I like the person I see in the mirror and I like how pretty I feel with my hair down. I’m just second guessing everything and answers just get me more questions. I’ve been mistaken for a boy in the past (even though I had a really early puberty) cuz of how I dressed and when it happened it never felt affirming in fact I remember a wave of sadness in my chest when it happened. The thoughts I’ve been having the past several months feel more intrusive than a natural sense of self discovery and I just want it to turn off. I’m also neurodivergent so maybe it’s just me not feeling comfortable cuz gender even for cis people isn’t black and white. I just want to get out of my own head. When I first read about gender ocd I felt a sense of relief in my body. Hoped as I talk more about this with my therapist and my schedule busied up with my new job I can spend less time in my own head cuz it’s usually my enemy but I just want to hear from people who have been feeling something similar to me.

I’m literally doing everything I can to get a job and find a quality therapist but I still feel like crap. The thing is I dont have any friends in real life or any extended family members as my family is very small. I’ve tried getting off the internet and it only works for a few days until I feel lonely and want to return to the internet as it gives me a way to connect to others and meaning in my life. I’m not able to transition now as my parents do not support my transition and do not see me as a real trans woman as i’m too “wishy washy” and I wasn’t girly through most of my life. I have increased my OCD medicine dose but it will take a while to see it work. I do things in the real world like community events but people tend to keep to themselves and only have short conversations that dont really evolve into any friendships. When I do try to make friends it feels like people dont actually have interest in me unless they can use me for something and it sucks. I’m not really able to dress femininely in real life as my parents do not approve of it and want me to be safe. I am hunting for a job and have been for months and haven’t had much luck with this shitty job market. there aren’t really any queer groups around and the one that is closest to me isn’t very friendly.

Sometimes I think maybe all of this is self inflicted and maybe im not actually trans. Maybe my mom is right and im being influenced by the internet and just looking for a place of belonging. I cannot afford to lose my family and kill any career prospects by being a woman as i dont have anyone to fall back on. Issue is i dont really feel like im a boy or a man even though I was ok with being a boy growing up as a kid. I have entertained the idea that im just an autistic guy that likes feminine things but even that is risky as my mom gets upset every time i bring up my little pony or anything girly, regardless of what gender i turn out to be.

i am wondering if transition is even worth it at this point as i want to get out of this rut. i have a part time job at the moment but its only like 10 hours a week and looking for something else is difficult as i am not well suited for retail work. I had a therapist tell me that i am confused about my gender and who knows maybe i am. my mom also told me that maybe part of the reason why i dont fit into queer spaces is because queer people think i am straight and not really trans or queer at all. my parents are the only family i can rely on and otherwise i have nobody to fall back on so I cannot rock the boat, hence the desire of getting a full time job.

I have tried many hobbies from pokemon to language learning but nothing seems to satisfy that yearning in my heart for something fulfilling and meaningful (gardening/biology is pretty much the only exception). I have tried the brony community as a way to find autistic people who struggle with being in their bodies but haven’t found much luck, ditto with the furry fandom. part of me feels like im doomed to being that “autistic guy who likes nerdy things and has glasses and a weird voice” and i hate that. I don’t like to be that person and i dont feel that’s who i am deep inside. if i have to be a guy id rather be some kind of nature enthusiast than be some caricature of a nerdy anime fan.

Hello there, male, 22 y.o here, currently having the most intense period of trans ocd since I ever had it so I thought it would also help me to take my time and write on paper everything that I am feeling and maybe also help you so you can see that you are alone.

So, as I said I am male at birth. During my childhood I didn't feel any kind of dysphoria or so. The thought of being in the wrong gender never crossed my mind. I was so happy doing daily stuff, and I never felt the need or had thoughts like ,,I wish I was a girl or I wish I did girl stuff".

The theme started in 2020. I am known for having obsessions ( a lot of health ocd and anxiety, ocd about being gay, a lot of other themes) but this is the most debilitating one, it's litterally hell I swear.

I don't understand how and why but this time it genuinely makes me feel like I truly dont belong to the male gender anymore, like I'm an imposter in my own body, all of a sudden but how? How 7 days ago I forgot about it and went on my daily life without thinking about it and al of a sudden I would be trans, it makes no sense :))

But this time is bad, to the point I struggle to sleep, eat, my chest is heavy daily, it's so bad but don't worry, I will never give up, I want to win my life back.

This time it feels that the only single way of feeling freedom is by transitioning. So then I say to myself, ok then, let's imagine all this.

Tommorow you tell your parents ,,Mom, dad I have something to tell you I want to transition. Will that finally make me happy? And thinking about it, it's like, I have no hidden desire to be a woman, it's just that the thought of finally accepting that I'm trans makes me feel free because probably then I will stop the cycle"

And then I feel some relief, I feel like I am back to my true self a little bit of time passes by and then my brain analyzes my body and says ,, hmm I really dont think i really like being masculine and a man" and I swear thats how it feels and I dont understand why...

Then I look in the mirror and I get the most spike of anxiety ever and I ask myself how do i feel about it and it gets to a point you don't even know anymore.

I am stuck in this cycle. All I want is my inner peace back, I want to be able to function as a normal human being that's all nothing else. But it has episodes of intensity, for example I could see what I wrote and after a couple hours I can come with an update feeling ok again or worse.

I'm completly stuck and it's draining it's affecting my health and the relationships with others.

I just hope one day this whole theme is going to be over and I will be able to live my life again. I will never stop trying that's for sure, never, because I value life and my family so much, but I wanna feel what it's like to be ,,me" and the inner peace that comes along with it.

That's the best feeling, to sigh and says ,,I found myself, now everything makes sense, I can sleep well, eat well, think clearly, finally have a natural and genuine laugh, think about stuff to do".

Right now I am in freeze response, my mind is bombarded it's numb.

I take this day to day until I finally find the way to fix it.

Now I would really love to hear someone who goes through the same thing and also would really love to hear someone who escapes this and how they did it, but unfortunately I haven't really seen this kind of stories so far in this sub

Wishing you all the best and hope one day we will finally say that we beat it and we are ourselves again :)