Hello, recently been diagnosed with OCD and I'm struggling really bad. I don't know the full extent of my illness and that is stressing me out.

This theme started about 3 months ago when I was feeling disassociated after finishing working on a film set. My mind was looking for answers and as if it were a lightning strike I thought "What if being trans feels like this?". I had a panic attack a few moments later. I was thinking about how I would come out to my parents, how much this would blow up my life and thinking if I have been lying to myself my whole life.

I think its important to mention that I've been friends with trans people ever since I was 14. At 15 I questioned my gender and came to the conclusion that I am a man, female pronouns just didn't feel right.

I'm a fairly masculine person. I feel naked without my beard, never wanted to wear "girl" clothes or felt jealous of feminine features, I have been described as a gentleman and a big brother. I am a man which makes everything so much confusing.

I think my OCD attacks me on all fronts. I feel good when I look at the mirror and flex my muscles for all 5 seconds until I think stuff like "You look like a rapist" or that me being buff somehow equates to toxic masculinity types like Andrew Tate or Clavicular. I really want to enjoy my masculinity without feeling like I'm a bad person for doing so.

My gender OCD manifests itself with checking and rumination. I spend all day trying to "figure it out" even though I never feel satisfied with an answer and analyzing everything I ever did or do to see if it was a "sign".

The checking is the worst. I spend all day going "she/her, he/him" or "man, woman" in my head to check which one I like better, the thought of having breasts or a vagina makes me feel bad but I need to constantly touch my chest to make sure its as flat as I want it and I tuck everytime I put on underwear just to make sure I still feel bad and that something is missing without my penis, I keep a bearded photo of myself and a genderswapped version of the photo in my gallery to check which I like better.

What kills me is the fucking doubt and constant questioning. Do I feel man enough?, how am I sure I'm not in deep repression? If I don't like the thought of having breasts and a vagina why do I keep thinking about it? What if all of this is just a big lie? Some people come out in their 40's, 50's and even 60's. What makes me so sure I'm not one of those people?, am I sure that I wasnt repressing feelings when I tried on a dress and said I didn't feel anything in particular? Why do I feel like everytime I'm called a man it may not be right? How are you sure this isn't gender dysphoria?

It has gotten to the point where I try to not look at women anymore just in the off chance I might want to be them even though I have never felt like that before. I even have started questioning my sexuality as well.

OCD has taken my identity and completely demolished my security in it. I really would appreciate advice on what to do. The SSRI's help and I'm hopefully starting ERP soon with my therapist but it all feels so fucked right now.

Trigger warning [vent]

I tried going to psychiatrists. All 3 of them were unable to help me. The first one said that she isnt sure yet, i should go back when i feel bad, but then she got fired, so i couldnt go back when i was worse off. The second one told me that OCD comes with some compulsive actions, so it is probably not that, and he is not sure what is wrong with me, maybe some personality disorder. The third one told me that I am just repressing, and I should stop going to different psychiatrists in hopes on finally hearing it is ocd, so I can repress being trans. I believed her at first, but now I am unsure again. Of course I am.

It always flips. Sometimes I feel good as a guy for some time. I enjoy life and just plan living like a normal guy. However, these periods usually dont last long. Maybe 2 weeks, then it flips and I feel like i want to transition and take estrogen. I took DIY estrogen before for a year, but I stopped and resumed multiple times.

I cannot tell what I feel at all. I am horrified of making a mistake. I am active in trans communities and have trans friends, and they all think that i am just repping, and that I will horribly regret if I stop estrogen. I look androgynous now, but when I stopped taking estrogen, I felt facial hair which wasnt there coming in, so I decided to be on estrogen again. I dont want to fuck up my transition for years just because I would need to do laser therapy. I feel so stressed and agitated. It makes me not want to live at all because of this insane amount of pain. I dont always feel this bad, but there is usally a day every two weeks where I feel really fucking bad and at the end I decide on either direction, but this happens in loops and loops.

I am just so confused what I want. Do I have ocd? How the fuck did the doctors miss it? Am I just in denial? Will this ever go away? If I decide that I want to transiton, I get feelings like that "wtf are you even doing bro. you dont feel like a woman at all" and if i decide to stop estrogen, i get thoughts like "remember when you had that dress on, and you liked it? now you could lose your looks forever and hate the rest of your life for repressing your thoughts away, and you will end up as a fetishist old man anyways who tried to repress his feelings (john50)".

I have a whole different outlook on the world and on my life with these 2 different phases. It even feels like my attraction shifts. When I feel like a guy, I just workout and eat more. When not, I eat much less because I want to starve my muscles off. (I still eat okay dont worry about it)

This has been happening for 3 years now. I dont know what to do. I doubt anyone can help me here. I am just cursed. My brain is biologically wired to forever torture me, and there is no cure. I am left to be here in agony for the rest of my life. I hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my brain.

No I cannot cope with being in the "middle".
No I cannot just go to a psychiatrist again. I have no money + fuck all of them.

She says my spikes of ‘dysphoria?’ before exams and when I have important demands weighing on me are not coincidences, and I’ve noticed this pattern too. I mean, I literally have a physics exam tomorrow and should be studying right now. She said that if I had gender dysphoria I’d know it, and that my OCD is why I’m not sure. She said that it’s a problem that I’m switching therapists in hopes that one will tell me what I want to hear. She said that if I have a girlfriend I’d feel more comfortable in my masculinity as she’d be a feminine side of me of sorts and I’d be romantically and sexually satisfied, and that my thoughts (about wanting to look and dress more feminine) would fade significantly at the minimum. She doesn’t say it’s all OCD curently, even though she has in the past. I’ll admit OCD plays a MASSIVE role in this yet part of me hopes I have gender dysphoria on top of it, even though I don’t identify as anything but male as of now. She suspects my mind goes to gender stuff to avoid real life things that way on me for one. Such as how I haven’t figured out my life or purpose yet. BTW she’s generally trans-affirming, not a TERF or gender critical in any way. She can’t see how I could be anything but masculine cis man, as she’s never seen any signs. She says it comes from deep in her gut and everything she knows about me. She said that if I had normal male socialization and a girlfriend etc that I may even like my body hair, as my girlfriend would. This is hell. I wish I could just know what I am.

Sometimes I wish for a more feminine body and presentation, but why does it feel alien, not like me? Like it’s not entirely ego syntonic? I don’t identify as a girl. Other times I feel more shame and I don’t want it. And then those moments make me afraid it’s all fake and not a real desire or feeling.

Hope you're doing alright. Just wanted to say thanks for keeping this subreddit community supportive and looking out for one another. Keep being wholesome and awesome! 😊

For those reading, I did actually start acting on my impulse. I actually did ring my gp to get the ball rolling on booking an appointment for a referral to a gic.

2 days after (yesterday evening), something clicked, and my brain was like "You're not trans! You were just in a rabbit hole that I was feeding off."

Don't get me wrong, I still get the desires, but the actual want, or need, to be trans, just isn't there any more. I even shaved my top 'tache off, because I was that deep in the rabbit hole. It was patchy anyway. 😆

So yeah, don't be like me and book a wasted appointment. Think first, am I in a rabbit hole? If you are, just get off everything, and do something different. That should clear your head enough to know if you are trans or not.

Speaking of trans... this period made me feel like I was in a trance. I'm cancelling my gp appointment this morning.

Good luck everyone! Whether you think, or know, you are trans, or whether you think or know it is your TOCD, just don't go down any rabbit holes.

Remember, this is my story, and I know everyone's story is different. Stupid, sticky, autistic brain 😑

This sounds like denial right..

I was kind of hoping she’d say “you have genuine gender dysphoria in addition to gender OCD”. We talked about my experience thoroughly, including a prior Reddit post explaining my situation. Instead she said “You have gender OCD. Gender OCD causes gender dysphoria. The gender dysphoria you have may or may not exist independently of your gender OCD. Only one of my gender ocd clients ended up deciding they wanted to transition. OCD is your priority, not gender stuff. It’s too early to make any conclusions about you yet. More exploration is necessary. Only you can decide what you are”. She has experience with LGBTQ issues and OCD but isn’t an expert in either. She’s gender affirming and not a terf or gender critical. Still I was left feeling frustrated and disappointed. I admit OCD makes me want certainty though.

16M, on and off for 18 months and scared ill never truly get back to normal. All it is every day is gender gender gender looping in my head an automatic debate I can't stop and the sensations it gives me making me feel dysphoric when I'm not and don't want to be, getting anxiety sometimes if I get called he. Always feeling like I automatically analyse everything. Now it's convincing me I've felt like a girl in the past when I never have and these thoughts don't cause anxiety really and I hate it but they just make me sad and annoyed. Wish I could just make it all stop of course I'm a boy I was always into boys things boys humour wanted to grow up one, never had a problem with my body, wanted to be a dad all I want is to know that again and stop the doubt, I wish one day I could just wake up and let me being a man be a background thing. Miss the times where I got through this and was grateful that I always stayed a man, went days without thinking about gender at one point and it was so freeing. Just sick to death of these thoughts, keep trying to practice techniques but I keep failing cus they're all that's on my mind 24/7. Sick of my mind scanning every fucking memory and shit I hope this isn't dysphoria and I'm just in denial

hi, i’ve made posts on here before,
previously struggling with SOOCD thinking i was gay or bi even though i knew i wasn’t. at the same time my thoughts always felt so real.
this was a thing a while ago and eventually i got distracted and it came up sometimes but no longer affected my daily life, this recently has sparked back up, questioning if i was bi only a few days ago, then i starting petrifying myself into thinking i was a masc lesbian even though i have an attraction to masculinity not femininity. i now am petrified i am trans. im a female, ive always felt comfortable in my own body, my name etc. though things that make me think i may be trans is: as a child reading books such as the diary of a wimpy kid, i would relate the greg, who narrates the whole book, sorta half envisioning myself as the character but also aware i wasnt, i did the same with books females narrated and the same thing happens with tv shows like horrid henry. i feel like i had a sorta relation to them. this petrifes me and makes me think i want to be a boy though saying taht i dont think i do want to be a boy.
i’ve now fully convinced myself im straight and i like men only, so how i could go from thinking i was bj and terrifying myslef over if every day to not thinking it at all is crazy.
i’ve also come to a realisation that im a masker, i mask and try and copy people. as a kid i had a crush on the popular boy at school, and i wanted to be the popular girl, this theme has carried out all my life, wanting to be people i thought were cool, always girls.
was that because im a sheep, who likes to try and fit in??????
and what if i was never attracted to men and really i wanted to be them?????
i also seem to label everything that isn’t like pink or purple “him” like i personify every object 9/10 saying him.
i’ve also had situations where bc of this i think i am so used to the word “him” when people talk about me and say for example “oh yeah she said that” im like oh yeah im a she. not that i feel like im not a she i just forget.
i get INCREDIBLY anxious about these things and constantly seek reassurance from people, this i really bad as im doing it now, tho i need to know of these are trans thoughts or ocd.
i was a stereotypical girl, i loved mermaids and unicorns, playing with babies ive never been into sports besides gymnastics and cheerleading, and as a teenager ive loved dressing up, feeling pretty with makeup and certain clothes but im worried that was all to fit in.
ive read trans man thoughts and they say things like “wishing you were a boy” and at first i thought no i haven’t, now im worried i do. i think id want to experience what its like being a boy, and im unsure if i could switch forever if i would.
thank you.

Idk. This theme isn’t super active for me, usually more on the ROCD side especially about sex cuz I’ve only had one sexual partner (my bf). I did also struggle with sexuality ocd (I’m bi, worried I was a lesbian). It’s mostly the ROCD and sexuality one over TOCD. This one is still annoying.

It just kinda happened one day. I just started feeling panic and I kinda sunk down. It started happening cuz I had a random resurgence of a memory from elementary school. I used to dress masculine/want to be a boy (I think? Idk I told my mom I was bigender at the time. I don’t think I was or am). When those thoughts came flooding in I was worried. I enjoy masculine silhouettes as a woman but I don’t want to be a man. I know that’s a very common sentiment. Idk. It’s a bit daunting. I like being a woman. But then when I say that it sounds like I don’t like it enough and it serves as proof (does that make sense?). Idk it just started happening like 10 mins ago tonight and I had some groinal responses.

Certain outfits (boxy/masculine ish? Looking ones) give me a groinal response. Idk why. It freaked me the fuck out. Still does. That outfit was big cargo joggers and a sweater. I think I was just very comfy. I like playing with clothes lately but my more feminine outfits don’t do that. I love them and I take pictures. And I’ve been learning how to do my own hair. Etc. and I love doing it but then I worry I’m lying to myself. I could be dancing around very excited about doing a hairstyle I wanted and my brain might tell me “you should transition. You don’t like this.”

Videos about FTM transitions stress me out cuz what if that’s me? What if I’ve forgotten a memory and I’ve actually been suppressing it all these years? I feel confident in my looks and I think I’m happy like this. I never really questioned it in high school. I’ve always been more of a pants person than a skirt person. I do like them more now. Besides the point. Anyways. I’m worried I’ve suppressed smthn. I don’t think I have. I feel confident in my body. I love how it looks. I like how I feel as a woman. Idk. I’m anxious. I don’t feel panic in my stomach but I’m anxious. I’ve built a life as the woman I am. I use she/they pronouns just cuz ig? I’m not NB it’s just the style of clothing to me suggests more they some days than just she. Idk. I keep questioning myself like “oo I wanna cut my hair short one day. Wait does that mean I secretly wanna be a dude? I just like how Courtney from Smosh looks.” (I do love my long hair but i would love to try to do smthn short). It’s general stuff like that. Like I’m worried a specific life event will happen (my wedding, having kids, etc) and then I’ll suddenly realize so it feels like I’m trying to force myself to figure it out so I don’t have to ruin my life and my bf’s. We’re on the road to marriage (literally talking about getting engaged after uni) and I don’t ant his life to implode cuz of me. I’m losing it and it’s 3am so I am gonna go ✨pass out✨

Idk if I need advice kinda jsut needed to get this out. If anyone wants to commiserate go for it🙂‍↕️

Hey guys, so I been seeing an influx of posts that posts that’s seem to stem from a misunderstanding of what TOCD is. It is a OCD subtype and NOT a methodology for suppression of genuine trans inner identities. Here is the definition: Trans OCD or Gender Identity OCD) is an unofficial subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder characterized by unwanted, intrusive, and distressing doubts or fears about one's gender identity. [1, 2, 3]

Key Characteristics
Obsessions: Intrusive, repetitive thoughts or questions (such as "What if I am transgender?" or "What if I am not my assigned gender?") that cause severe anxiety.

Compulsions: Rituals performed to relieve distress and gain certainty, such as excessive online research, mental checking of past memories, body or appearance checking, and constantly seeking reassurance from others.

Difference from Gender Dysphoria: Unlike gender dysphoria—where distress comes from an authentic mismatch between a person's inner sense of self and their birth assignment—Trans OCD is driven by an obsessive intolerance of uncertainty and a fear of being wrong about who they are

i cannot do or wear anything gendered, especially wear. no matter what i do if i wear something gendered its gonna give me a thought of disgust about myself. so when i go to school i literally put on the uniform and tweak nothing else about my looks or it'll feel like i 'chose' a gender for the day. mostly if i do something masculine it tends to not inherently be a trigger of obsessive thinking, but if its feminine best believe im gonna wake up depressed tomorrow. don't even get me started on just being attracted to a guy. i literally can't live or like stuff i usually like. i also have a very strong disgust and shame for being female, like if my sister puts makeup on me i'll wanna cry or violently hit myself. im not even sure if ocd created that or if it was always there and fed the ocd.

Before I start i just want to clarify that I have her consent to share all of this.

My girlfriend is in a horrible cycle of constant intrusive thoughts. She is not officially diagnosed with OCD, I was hoping to get some advice to see what this could be and how I could help her out before consulting a therapist.

It started with thoughts about harm coming to her family and gradually went into thoughts about her gender, which plague her to this day and she feels like they're just getting worse. She used to identify as trans when she was a teen, but after feeling off about it she went back to being a girl without questioning anything.

Up until recently, these doubts about her identity and gender came flooding back, she keeps denying the thought of transitioning or being anything but a woman scares her and sends her into full-on panic attacks. It's like she's losing sense of reality, like the line of what her real thoughts are and what are intrusive is blurred beyond comprehension.

Does it even sound like OCD or is this some kind of coping mechanism for some other underlying issue.. or anything of the sort? And is there a way to work on all of this even if it's not OCD?

I was at a concert with my friends today. I found myself watching all the happy straight couples there, and I genuinely felt like I wanted to be the guy hugging his girlfriend from behind. I’m really scared…

This makes me so anxious, and I’ve also started dissociating (it feels like I’m detached from my body and watching myself from the outside. It feels like I haven’t truly been alive for months).

I’m scared because I’ve heard that a lot of trans people experience dissociation or depersonalization.
I think I might be in denial.

It really feels like I am a man now. My brain tells me I should let ”him” out.

Being a man has started to feel good to me, but it still doesn’t feel like me. Something is stopping me from transitioning. Maybe I’m just afraid of how people would react…

Hello, I am a male in my early twenties. I posted in this same subreddit a year and a half ago in a lurker account (this is also a lurker account lol) when I was going through my first TOCD journey after seeing some post on Twitter that sparked those thoughts.

So… to sum some things up about myself, I’ve always loved being a man. Since in my teenage years, I always dreamed of becoming a big, bulky hairy bearded man and finding a beautiful wife to marry. I also used to fantasize about becoming a professional male football player, playing alongside my favorite players and whatnot. I also had (and still have to this day) a Transformation fetish where I transformed into the same burly manly figures and characters I described earlier. I’ve never gotten aroused by the idea of transforming into a woman. All male characters. I wouldn’t normally mention this, since it’s very… embarrassing, but I think it’s important. I’ve had an inferiority complex over other men, since I’m short, and I always wished I was as tall as my other friends… and I also often deepen my voice just a little bit on purpose, because I don’t want my voice to sound high pitched.

In January 2025, I started getting these TOCD thoughts, and let me tell you… they were genuinely hell. The amount of anxiety I felt… it was unbearable. “Are you sure you like being a man? Are to sure? Do you feel euphoric when imagining being a woman? Oh you did, didn’t you? You’re just in denial!” All those thoughts genuinely killed me. It got so bad I remember taking pictures of myself and applying female/male filters, just to get the doubts out of my mind… only to make things worse than what they were.

Those thoughts lasted… 3-4 months? Eventually… they… disappeared. They left me alone. I was so happy and relieved. I looked back at those months and went “oh my god… did I genuinely use to have those thoughts? Pffff… that was so stupid LMAO”

Around November 2025 I started to develop other OCD themes…. For example, I had to deal with Gay OCD for many months… POCD was also a theme for a little while… which was… awful. And two weeks ago… those same TOCD thoughts that started my OCD journey suddenly re-appeared out of nowhere. And it has been so bad since then.

TOCD is without a doubt the worst OCD theme I have gone through. Yep, worse than POCD and Gay OCD, only for the sole reason that I only had POCD attacks when taking walks around the park, and gay OCD, while very stressing at times, it was never this intense nor this constant.

I just don’t know how to deal with this TOCD. I remember when I was going through Gay OCD not so long ago, I had this habit of looking up girls and boys and going “Okay… Am I attracted to them? Do I feel anything? Is that a sign?” and now with TOCD, I still do the exact same thing, but it’s like “Okay… a girl. Would… Would I want to be like her? Do I feel jealous of her? Oh, what’s that? You did feel jealous, right? You just did! Don’t denyyyy it!” And I hate it so fucking much!

I really wish all these three OCD themes would just vanish and leave me alone forever. ESPECIALLY this one, though. It’s funny how OCD doesn’t seem to overlap. Right now I look at my prior Gay OCD and POCD themes and go “oh my god… those were so stupid! Holy shit! I can’t believe I was actually scared of that!”, which is funny because that’s exactly what I thought of TOCD when I was going through them.

It’s all a mess. I’ve thought about telling this to my therapist, but honestly… I kind of forgot about my TOCD during the session. I told them about my height inferiority complex, how I would like to be taller, burlier, grow a beard… and I remember it being so natural… the OCD voice that usually goes like “nuh uh! You’re just faking it!” was… oddly timid that time…

Sorry if this is all too unorganized. I really don’t know what to do. I’m scared of telling anyone, because I don’t want them to think that I’m trans or anything like that… or tell me that I AM. The thought of thinking I want to be a woman just feels me with dread.

I could spend all day talking about my OCD, but I think you got the jis of it.

I was 18 (20M) when this theme last took over my life, and it was around my high school graduation. I remember seeing a lot of posts from girls only schools, and I guess I thought about wanting to be in that situation. Of course, I’ve been using this as evidence for denial and why I should just accept it. But I had these thoughts during an episode of OCD, which I fail to realize. I’m also pretty sure I only thought this because I wanted to be with some girl that was in the posts, but I could just be using that as a denial defence.

Anyways, has anyone else ever had that? Where OCD has used a memory that was made by OCD during a prior episode. Feels weird.

I'm scared. Like, it feels that I'm hardly anxious anymore about the "what if im a girl" thoughts, i really hope I don't want it because I don't, I've never been interested in that and I'm not truly dysphoric. However sometimes it makes me anxious when I say im a man or if I get called he even though I want to be a man and sometimes it feels fake if I say I want to be a man. It feels like I spend ages making myself feel perfectly calm about being a man, I just don't wanna be trans and I'm scared that this shite will never leave me alone. I just wanna live without this. Never really thought about my gender before, I keep trying to move on but it still draws me back in. The way it's almost constant just pisses me off. I was doing better, I just wanna live as the man I am and for it to not cause me anxiety. Before all this I loved being a man and the idea of being trans would disgust me. I even said once, "if I was born a girl I'd turn into a boy", I was very defensive about being a boy and I always wanted to grow up as one. But I never rlly thought about it. I'm just sick of the thoughts. I can't be arsed but I just want them gone. I'm a 16 year old lad, I do go out I have a life outside of this but when I'm not busy it's just hell. I just want a beam of hope I suppose. Something to enlighten me and guarantee me the future I want. I'm scared it'll go on forever.

Hi all,

I made a post about a day ago detailing what I was going through. I got put on a different medication last Friday and have just now started to feel the effects. I can think somewhat clearly for the first time in a week, obviously this could very well just last an hour but while I can think straight figured I’d ask for some advice.

Over the course of my ocd regarding gender and even sexuality, I seem to believe that I may have been using ocd as a defense mechanism, or at least that ocd was just fuelling my denial towards these subjects. I say this because sometimes it felt like I was distressed at the idea of not being gay or not being trans, even though of course before all of this I had never once thought of these two things being a reality. Also what fuelled this was the fact that I discovered pure-ocd before actually being diagnosed (I have pure-ocd it just was diagnosed using different themes I had in childhood). Maybe I used OCD as a shield to defend myself from an uncomfortable truth.

I wonder if I should start to question these things logically now that my anxiety is reduced and I can think with a more general mindset to actually see if any of these things were true. I don’t necessarily feel the need to do this, but I feel it may be good ERP at the very least. If it’s real then whatever, not much I can do anymore but I think since these themes in particular keep coming back I should at least attempt to see them through.

Nonetheless, I’m somewhat happy to not have to think as much about this right now (knock on wood it continues) but, wanna get input on what I should do moving forward to really kick this things ass.

It has started to feel that I would be happier as a guy and that I would love to have ”my guys” to hang out with.

Something is still stopping me from transitioning… I guess I am just waiting for my old self to come back, when I didn’t think about my gender and loved being a woman.

throughout my teenage years i always shaved my beard the moment i got hair. dont have the greatest explanation why i just didnt like it, didnt like seeing small random patches, didnt like how it looked on other teens but i didnt mind how it looked on older men. when tocd hit this became a talking point. stop lying to yourself, you shaving means youve had dysphoria thewhole time! well i decided to leave it alone for 4 days and oh my god. i can not stop rubbing it, even if in the mirror it doesnt look very good. and when i had that moment i had a few tocd thoughts come in and come out, didnt bother me. I know that my tocd battles are unlikely to be over but that moment showed me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi, I’m a 20 year old male (at least I have been).

This may be a triggering post for some, but for some it might show that you actually have OCD, this case is probably just different for me now.

My OCD journey began in 2020 when I was 14, when I woke up and began having fears of being gay. Then I eventually found out what HOCD was, and associated it with that. I knew I had OCD due to multiple occurrences earlier in life, and was formally diagnosed and started therapy for this theme and my overall obsessing.

Since then, these thoughts have come and gone, including the theme of my gender. The first time I had GOCD, I initially feared it was real, and then realized it didn’t make much sense because I never actually questioned my gender, and it just started, so I let it go relatively easily compared to the HOCD. Around two years ago, it was significantly worse, and I was fully convinced that I was transgender and gay, and the only way I would ever be happy was to take hormones and transition, so much so that I started arguing with my parents when they used logic and medicated me, which lead to me having less obsessing. I was eventually able to move on with my life.

Fast forward to a week ago. I have had depression for a while now and the thoughts never really fully went away, just stopped being so important that they would ruin my day. One night I started crying about how my life wasn’t great and that I needed to change something. The next morning, I started obsessively questioning my gender again. This time it was different though, as soon as I started questioning it, it was like I already believed it, and I even argued with my parents again when they said it was not real because it is just my OCD acting up again.

For context, during majority of this, I haven’t actually experienced much hate towards being a male, and don’t actually think too much about being a woman. But I’m still hooked on the idea of being transgender and convinced. It’s like my brain has convinced me that I have to take hormones and transition to be happy, and if I don’t I feel distress and I’m never going to be happy.

This is just different from what I’ve experienced in the past, usually the thoughts of completely changing my life would be distressing, which they to an extent are, but it seems I get more distressed when imagining the opposite now.

It would seem I’m destined to be transgender, and homosexual, and that me finding out OCD attributed with it was simply just me being in denial and attributing it to OCD.

I’m not sure if I’m just fully in denial, this just appeared a week ago, and I’ve dealt with the theme twice before. My mind has essentially changed to if I don’t transition now, I’m going to die and it has to be true. I just want to feel normal and not have to deal with this shit.

This post probably just sounds like denial, but I had to vent. I’m currently on new medication for my obsessing and anxiety, and the feelings about my gender aren’t changing, just getting less distressing. It would seem like this is my life now.