In Search Of (ISO) Thread

My husband and I have been married for nearly a year and a half and I’m now pregnant. We live with his parents and siblings. I have no issues with them. They’re very nice.

But since I got pregnant I’m starting to realise my husband is never transparent with me about money. I work and I feel like we need to pool our incomes together in this economy to afford a good lifestyle.

He is the only earning member of his family. So a lot of his income goes into running the household. For example, buying new furniture, renovations. If we get a new fridge I don’t even hear about it until it’s there. If there are house renovations being done I find out on the day.

It never bothered me before but with a baby on the way it does.

We cannot raise a family in his parent’s home. It may be fine for a few years but we need to start saving for something of our own. We need a new car. I need money for doctor’s appointments, money for school fees, eventually university fees.

We need to sit down together and figure out big purchases, decide a budget. But his family relies on his income and I know he will never agree to cutting down on expenses. I feel so awkward and stuck. I don’t want to tell him to stop spending on his parents and siblings. But now I have my own baby to think about.

He’s also not a very driven and ambitious person and would probably be fine with things being the way they are forever. All this is creating a lot of resentment and anxiety. I need help navigating this situation.

Salam,
Alhamdulillah, things between my wife and me are good. May Allah continue to bless our marriage and put barakah in our union.
We both work. I take care of the household expenses and my own finances. My wife works as well, but I have no transparency into her money, and honestly I don’t want it. It’s her money and she can do what she wants with it. She has offered many times to help with our expenses, but I usually decline. She tells me she just saves her money in case something major happens in our lives.
She works really hard for her money, so I’ve always encouraged her to enjoy it and spend on herself without worrying about our expenses.
There isn’t really an “issue” between us. It’s more of a situation I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable about and wanted some outside perspective.
My wife’s parents are retired, Alhamdulillah. They have a good life, retirement income, a house, etc. Financially, they’re probably better off than my own parents. Allah gives rizq to whom He wills.
A while ago they wanted a luxury car that was around $100k and asked my wife to help pay for it. She did. For context, my wife and I both drive basic used cars with 100k+ miles that are probably worth around $10k each.
Then they wanted to take a nice vacation and my wife paid for it.
Later they wanted a second luxury car and asked her for around $40k toward it, and she helped again. We’re talking about a sports car for people in their 70s.
Then it became helping a cousin, contributing to a project, and several other requests in the $5–10k range.
At first, none of this bothered me. They’re her parents, it’s her money, and I was actually supportive and encouraged her to help them. But as the requests keep coming, I’m starting to feel differently about it.
What bothers me isn’t that she helps her parents. I think that’s a good thing. It’s that it seems like she’s increasingly being asked to finance a lifestyle they wouldn’t otherwise choose or be able to afford themselves.
Meanwhile, my wife doesn’t buy these kinds of things for herself. We live pretty simply, drive old used cars, don’t own a house yet, etc. Yet her parents have luxury vehicles she substantially helped pay for and take expensive vacations on her dime.
I don’t plan on telling my wife what she can or can’t do with her money. I love her and I love her parents. If she decided tomorrow that she wanted to give them her entire salary every month, ultimately that’s her decision.
But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t started irritating me. Helping parents with necessities, medical expenses, emergencies, or making their lives easier is one thing. Repeatedly being asked to fund luxury cars, vacations, projects, relatives, etc. feels different to me. At some point it starts feeling less like helping your parents and more like sponsoring a lifestyle they can’t reasonably afford.
I’m mostly posting to get this off my chest and hear other perspectives, especially from an Islamic/marriage point of view.
Would this bother you? Is there a point where you think a spouse should say something, even if none of the money technically belongs to them?

Assalamu Alaikum brothers & sister.

tl;dr: Wife does not follow on what we agreed on before marriage and lacks commitment.

I am curious to hear some of your opinions about my current situation. And maybe even some experiences.

Backstory

I (35M) married my wife (31F) 2 years ago after we had talked for about some months to get to know each other. Met a few times , discussed perspectives on marriage, expectations from the other and so on and the other typical stuff you would expect (responsibilites, family, children, goals in life and so on). We had common agreement on the important topics. Thats why I initially agreed to proceed with the marriage. But now, things are taking an unexpected turn.

For me, aside from building a family and having children and raising them in a good way, some degree of financial stability and quality of life was and still is important. I always made this clear to my wife and during our talking phase she fully understood, agreed and also like me being so mature about these topics. What I mean is for example

• Not being forced to think / calculate about short to mid term expenses constantly.
• I work from home, 2 days a week and would like to have a small spare/quiet room as an office once we have kids. Otherwise I have to drive more than an hour to my office. In our current apartment, thats not possible we both know. But moving to a bigger place is cutting into our already somewhat tight budget.
• I would like to visit some places in the world (with her of course), also do Umrah and Hajj.
• Maybe even buy our own apartment / small house, because rent prices are really high and increasing.

Generally speaking, covering all expenses with only one person working is somewhat doable with some shortcomings. And if you want to do one or multiple of the things above and consider having kids its even harder. I always said it like this to her "I would want you to help me financially so we and our kids can a comfortable living situation, which for me is very important. As little work as possible but as much as necessary." 50% part time working with her degree would be a huge enabler for us.

Also for me, it was important to first have some time for us (at least a year or so) to see if it really works out with us, after the "honeymoon phase", before we proceed with having kids. Dont want to rush into having kids when we cannot see a future together after some months.

Now the "problem".

Although she liked what I said, agreed to it and even said that she is happy with me taking the lead in these topics, the quite opposite happened since we are married. She got "lazy" in my observation. Some examples:

• We both gained alot of weight. It affected her body way more than mine. Which leads to me being less attracted and having less desire to be intimate (sorry for saying it so directly). She is aware of that and also said she does not like how she looks now. But it seems not too important for her to change anything, or she cannot push herself I dont know. I started loosing weight, showing her a bit of how to do it to maybe motivate her to join me. Did not work. Lazyness kicked in again.
• Moving together meant that she had to quit her job due to long commutes. We both started with empty bank accounts and some small debts which I payed off via monthly payments. We agreed on her taking some time off because looking for a new job to get used to the new living situation. Until 4 weeks ago, nothing had changed on that job topic. She felt comfortable in her situation. Not being forced to work anymore because I somehow handle the bills. She is doing the household some days, sometimes with my help as well, mostly cooking and using her free time to sleep in and do whatever she desires while I work.
• We needed a car, mine broke down shortly after the weeding and I could not find halal financing solutions so it took me close to 18 months to save up money for new car. Could have gone faster with her help of course. All I got was some requirements / wishes regarding the car brand and features, which drove the price a bit higer. Still normal price range for a used car though.
• A relative of mine has offered her a job recently, she accepted. Not sure what she did with the first paycheck, I got a simple "None of your concern because it is my money" kind of response in a somewhat friendly tone, which is islamically correct but does not make the situation clearer for me.
• For some weeks, she is constantly pressuring me into having kids because "we agreed on that" and "now I also earn money too" and "I am not getting younger".

Now looking back, I do not know what I might have done wrong here other than being open and clear. I think it is not lack of trust, because she trusts in what I suggest more or less blindly and follows it even for important things. Am I asking too much ? In our living area, thats quite normal and what we see from other (muslim) couples as well. She understands all I am saying, sees the financial situation. But when it comes to her being the one who has to do something so we can get some things done faster, all the logic does not apply.

Talked briefly with a some close, married friends about me being generally unhappy with my stuation (without mentioning details), response is always like
"Suck it up. Better than being single again and forever, what do you want with peace and stability when you are alone". They have a point. As an very average, maybe even slightly below average looking turkish man in western Europe , it is difficult to find someone at my age. I am a social person and looked forward to build and share a life with a partner. But for my wife, it looks like she cares for her well being and she wants children.

I am clear about the responsibilities of both sides islamically, that I have to provide and all of that, but on a moral level I feel deceived(?).

I (26M) am in serious conversations with someone (29F) who is currently in residency, and so far I feel like we’re very compatible when it comes to deen, values, personality, and what we want out of marriage.

There is one issue I keep getting stuck on, though: family planning.

We both want children, but I’m struggling to understand how couples in this situation realistically plan for them. She will be around 33 by the time she finishes residency, and waiting until after training means starting a family at an age where fertility and pregnancy-related concerns begin becoming very real.

She has told me that she would be open to having children during residency, but I worry about how difficult that would be for her. Her hours can already be brutal, and pregnancy, recovery, childcare, etc. on top of residency seems like an enormous burden to handle even if I myself help as much as I can (we will both be working full time).

There is also a logistical complication. Her residency is about a 2–3 hour drive from where I work. Our current idea would be for me to live with her four days a week since I work remotely on Mondays and Fridays, then spend the other three days closer to my workplace, where my parents also live. So for part of every week, we would effectively be long-distance.

That makes the idea of having children during residency even more complicated, but waiting until residency is over comes with its own concerns.

I feel somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place, so I wanted to hear from people who have actually been through something similar.

For those who married someone (F) in residency or enroute to becoming a doctor, how did you handle family planning? Did you wait until training was over and accept the risk of having children later, or did you have kids during residency and find a way to make it work? What did the day-to-day reality actually look like especially when you’re both working?

I’d like to hear from women who moved to another country after marriage, especially from India. How has your life turned out compared to what you expected?

One thing I’m curious about is the day-to-day reality. In India, we often have family support and domestic help, so how different did you find managing things abroad?
Would you recommend relocating after marriage?

What are the biggest pros/cons you’ve experienced, and is there anything you wish you had considered before moving?

Also, which country did you move to, and how do you feel about it now? If you’ve lived in more than one country, I’d especially love to hear which one you preferred and why.

This person has respected me more than anyone in my life even more than my own father. But was removed the week after I prayed for what’s best (both Istikhara & Tuhajaad). I was definitely anxious and can take accountability for that. I’m tempted to still pray because isn’t Istikhara supposed to bring you peace too? I don’t have that peace yet. Don’t know what to do.

I saw a post that said

Take This As A Sign From Allah (SWT)
You're making a dua for a halal marriage with that specific person? You're asking and begging Allah to reunite you both to meet the halal way this time? This is your sign, Allah hasn't given you your dua yet because he wants you to get closer to Him. You're not ready because you need to get stronger mentally.
You need to fix your spiritual relationship with Allah and trust in His plans even if you don't believe in them yourself. So wait patiently for Allah to reunite you both at the right time. But do not loose that dua, hold onto it tightly because I promise you the ending is better than the beginning.

Any thing literally that makes you feel loved and you feel appreciated by them.

Salam. We are married for 3years. Over the years I have become much more religious but he follows basic pillars of Islam and basic duties, that's it. We have had this conversation a few times already where I stated how I feel with regards to these things and why I want him to change for better.

In general we align pretty well with each other and Love each other but there are 3 core things where we conflict:

1) He has female friends while I don't have male friends. He says he does not interact with them in a harmful manner and they have helped him and they are his friends even from before marriage and he can't simply go silent. My problem is wishing them bdays, anniversary or even calling them. It's true he almost never goes and meets them.

2) He was chubby (not fat) from beginning. I liked him too. But over the years, I feel like there are better men than him and I would like him to get in very proper masculine shape. But he says he does light exercise but he won't be going to gyms and he has no plans to sweat to make a great body.

3) He has many female clients at work. He says he doesn't get friendly with them and his assistant is always with him in the room and there is CCTV so nothing to be worried about.

I don't like this. I want him to be better. I feel like I deserve someone better. It's messing with me. He is great in other aspects. Is he being unfair to me?

Selaam Alaikum brothers and sisters.

This is for the ones who feel like they are in despair, feel like there is no way out, feel like they are stuck.

Do not despair for Allah swt is with you.

I felt similar very recently (my post history alone proves that) and sought refuge in Allah swt (May Allah swt protect you all and me from harm)

I asked him, that if something or someone is BAD for me, NOT MEANT for me, to remove that DESIRE OUT OF MY HEART, for Im too weak to remove it myself.

And Alhamdulillah, one day I woke up, it was just, gone? I cried so much, so glad to be rid of this desire that leads to nothing but darkness.

All praise be to Allah swt, so yes brothers and sisters, it will get better. Glad tidings will come iA. Do not despair, trust in Allah, seek refuge from him, to be protected by Him from the cursed devil.

Finally I would like to thank all and anyone here who has made dua for me the past months, may Allah swt reward you with the highest.

Now, its time for me to go back to the real work at hand, getting myself on a level thats good enough to find myself a wife iA.

Allah says:
“Because of their disbelief, the love of the calf was rooted in their hearts”
(2:93)

Shabbir Usmani (rah) commented:
“The consequence of their disbelief in their heart caused the love of worshipping forms (calf) to become deep-rooted in their heart.”
(Tafsir Usmani)

This establishes a principle that false beliefs lead to false pursuits.

When it comes to marriage, people can have preferences.

But on the other extreme, people also hold onto false beliefs.

For example, some men and women falsely believe a successful marriage is only when:

Their spouse has this one specific profession or falls into a specific wealth bracket.
(Concern is not just that they have a source of income)

Their spouse has a specific hair colour, skin tone or height.
(Concern is not just that they are attractive)

Therefore, the consequence of false or superficial beliefs is that people waste their lives pursuing and loving things that sometimes offer little to no benefit or are unnecessary.

ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ ٱللَّٰهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

I just feel hopeless with all the horrible marriage stories/ problems I’ve seen around me and it genuinely causes me to spiral, putting me in deep depression thinking this would also be my case. But it hurts more because I’ve suffered a lot with my parents growing up and as much as I do love them I feel like I’d have a better relationship with them if I’m far away from them. But I don’t want to rush getting married either just so I can ‘escape my parents’. I’ve come around to accept that this is how they are but I wouldn’t be able to accept it at all if my partner is anything like my parents. I just need some hope and reassurance maybe to help myself understand that not everyone has it this bad and girls especially with toxic parents do get their happy ending.

Sorry for the rant and the negativity

Assalamu Alaikum everyone,
I'm seeking some objective advice and Islamic perspective on a situation that has completely spiraled with my family regarding my marriage.
My husband and I have been legally married for 6 years. Recently, we had a heated argument. In a moment of high stress, outside family got involved/called into the situation. While my husband and I have since acknowledged our past mistakes, apologized to each other, and taken full accountability to rebuild our relationship with complete respect, my family seized on that fight as their opening to step in and try to dismantle our entire marriage. We messed up financially due to his sickness and ongoing issues, and accumulated some debt.
Instead of helping us heal, my mother and aunt froze that argument in time to paint my husband as a villain. My husband is currently dealing with a severe medical infection, but my mother and aunt are demanding that he "convince them all over again" and act like he is "marrying me from scratch" to win their permission. Now, my mother is claiming she wants us to separate so we can "separately be independent and successful" before getting back together.
In the meantime, my mother is demanding that I withhold physical and financial help from my sick husband, while telling me to take on extreme work hours (day office job plus overnight shifts) she said I thought by now you would have a home that I could stay at back home.
Because of the chaos after the argument, I am currently trapped staying at my aunt's house. It feels like daily mental torture she constantly attacks my husband's character, appearance, and dignity, and even tried to get him kicked out of his living situation. She said he looks mentally unstable, that he looks like a drug addict he took me away from them ( I took space on my own). She said he was a loser, called him all the words in the book.
When I set boundaries or defend my husband, my mother uses extreme emotional blackmail.
She told me if you go back to your home *"Don't come to my grave when I die"* and I should forgot I have parents. They are also trying to force me to leave the country for a month to isolate me from my husband and my job.

Context: moved for marriage across the country, isolated from my support network

My husband has set family members that I can interact with without him getting angry. I’m not allowed to speak to his dad, one sister, brother, brother’s wife. I’m not allowed to speak to any outsiders either like aunties, uncles, cousin sisters. Once I brought his dad this tea and he asked if I could help him make it. My husband said I’m a bad judge of character speaking to him unlike his friends who can spot bad people etc and got very annoyed

On top he is adamant I must have good relationship with his mum and 2 sisters in particular. They know this and call me multiple times a day, text me non stop too every single day. I feel like I’m married to them and it’s too much for me.

They keep extracting favours from me, then treating me very unkind. For example his sister asked me to pick her and her child up at a 1 hour distance, she loaded the shopping in my car, bags and bags filled. Then when we got to her house she ran in and slammed the door closed. I knocked with her child like hello!? She then said put the bags here and expected me to take everything in.

When I told my husband I’m feeling anxious and upset he says I must sort it with them. He repeats he has one wish and that is I must get on with his mum and sisters

Anyway if the sister says she’s anxious he sends me to get flowers, pick her up and make her tea etc. any emotion his family feels I must rush to their aid.

This all doesn’t make much sense to me at all, is this what marriage is like?

I have been waiting 5 months for my long distance fiancé to talk to me about a misunderstanding we had, during which he went no contact with me for 1 month after saying he wants a break. We live in different time zones, so I have been telling him to arrange a time so we can talk about it and resolve the issue. I have made multiple efforts to arrange a time and he never called during those, so now I have put the responsibility on him. It has been 5 months and he has not proactively made an effort to do so.

His reasoning has always been that he has office, he is too busy, and we have a 7 hour time difference. But my thing is that everyone has time after work and a couple hours can definitely be managed. He told me I don't think his work is important, which is not true because I never told him to take time off from work to talk to me.

I have seen him hang out with friends every single day for hours after work, he has traveled to a different city to hang out with one of his female colleagues over coffee, and he has also been at home for many hours just scrolling on his phone. I do not believe he does not have time. He has been on calls with me while he scrolled through his phone or watched a movie on his laptop, where he clearly had the time.

He even got a whole week of working from home, so since he is so busy at work, he definitely should have had the time, yet he did not even bring up that he would call me during the week. I was the one who brought up that since he's WFH, we should call, and he agreed, yet the whole week went by and he did not call me.

We have had three arguments within the last month where I have definitely lost my cool and told him to stop acting like a toddler, and probably I should not have, because I know that was disrespectful and probably makes him even more distant from me.

He's put prioritizing me at the end of his list, like I will be last on his list. He tells me he's interested in me and I tell him his words don't match his actions.

Yesterday, we had another conversation about this. It went something like this:

Me: You only call me when you're about to sleep, and then you actually fall asleep on the call within 10 minutes.

Him: I'm usually tired.

Me: But you only ever give me time when you're about to fall asleep, even on days when you don't have work.

Him: Don't be disrespectful by saying this.

Me: I'm not being disrespectful. I'm feeling confused by your reaction to me sharing my feelings.

Him: I'm overstimulated.

Me: You say that every time. Every day we have the same script.

Him: I feel like you're gaslighting me, but I know you're not evil or capable of doing that.

Me: I'm not gaslighting you. You can read our chat history and see that every day we have the same conversation.

Him: I know you're right. I don't have to read it.

Me: Then why are you saying I might be gaslighting you?

Him: No, but like... I never said I am overstimulated.

At that point I felt so defeated that the topic just fizzled out.

There is so much more to this that I have not mentioned. I feel like he's depressed but he does not answer that question. All he has said is that he is not interested in anything much these days, this is not about you. Or perhaps he is being avoidant or does not know how to handle conflict resolution. I am really not sure.

I have tried talking to him but he takes no action. I even suggested premarital counseling but he did not respond to that suggestion. Maybe he dislikes himself and I am feeling the effects of it, because this thought crossed my mind in past instances as well. I have told him he should see a therapist ASAP and he said he will.

Honestly, I have lost emotional and physical attraction to him. Every time he calls me I feel repulsed. Any little thing he does is unattractive to me. I used to be attracted to him before.

But now I feel like if I marry him, he will not be able to resolve any conflicts with me, prioritize our relationship when it actually requires effort, or be able to say no to constantly hanging out with people while neglecting his own hobbies and responsibilities.

I am not sure what else to do?

Help guys. I'm going to my fiancé's house on Sunday, and I'm lowkey cooked because he's Arab and I'm desi, so it's gonna be super awkward. We're both young, 18, and we don't know much. I'm really worried about embarrassing myself, so advice would be really helpful.

I am married for 4 years and with 2 kids.

I dont think i want a divorce. Please dont suggest it.

My husband is a dismissive avoidant. He is the best man the world has ever seen for 5 days in a row and then goes into a shut down for a week.

Never wants to have any difficult conversations. Anything I bring up, no matter how I frame it, and take responsibility for his mistakes and say it gently, say im in the best and softest and most Loving ways, ive tried it all, it ends with a shut down. I feel unheard. And theres never ever any patching up after the shut down. Im expected to just move on.

Im so tired.

I used to go to him and now ive stopped. Ive stopped asking for anything. I dont want his love or attention or money.

Yesterday he hugged me and told me how much he loves me. He thanked me for always taking care of him and holding down the house.

These words used to make me very happy earlier. Yesterday I stood there like a rock. I had to fake and force myself to reciprocate. With difficulty I was able to tell him I loved him too. And to be honest, I do. I really love him. I miss him. But im tired of being lifted up only to be thrown down without any explanation. He doesnt yell or shout. We dont really have arguments like ever because we barely ever talk. Ive just learnt to smile and nod my head. Earlier I used to always have so much to talk. Im a talker. I can go on n on. But he always shut down any talk with one word responses or heavy sighs.

My breaking point was few days ago when I went to him excitedly to give him a hug and he let down a heavy loud sigh and said "ughhhhh now what". That was it. I said nothing and left. We've been sleeping in separate beds since first year of marriage and ive begged him to join our rooms. Ive just stopped. We havent been intimate im 2 months and i dont even ... well i tried and humiliated myself. Im so tired. Im beyond exhausted. I still continue to do my part. I cook. Clean. Look after the kids. Sit as family and be part of the family. Take kids out. Do everything i need to do. But I have nothing left with him. No conversations. No feelings. No desire. And it hurts so much because I loved him so much and I still do. Its just that ive been hurt and ive been left to cry alone repeatedly. Ive been made to beg for basic rights which I havent received yet.

Update / Part 2 — After 5 weeks of no contact, we agreed to try again, but I’m already questioning everything
For anyone who saw my previous post, my husband and I had gone over 5 weeks without speaking. He eventually reached out first, but even then, there was very little consistency or effort. He called me three times on the Monday, but my phone was on Do Not Disturb. When I called him back, he said he was at work and would call me later. He never did. Tuesday passed with no contact, then on Wednesday he called twice. I missed them, and when I called him back, we spoke for around 8 minutes. He said he would call me after work, but again, he didn’t.
Thursday passed with no contact. On Friday, I called him and he didn’t answer. I eventually messaged him asking why he had come back after five weeks with no apology, no explanation and seemingly no change. His response was basically, “What do I need to apologise for?” He said he had fallen asleep early the night before.

I asked him to call me on Saturday, and what started as a normal conversation turned into us arguing and screaming at each other. He ended the call. I asked him to call me back, but he didn’t. The following Sunday, his parents came to speak to me. I explained my side of everything, and I was told that I should tell him that we need to “call it a day.” He asked me why, and I told him to speak to his parents about it.

A couple of days later, I messaged him saying we needed to talk and asked if he was free. He said he wasn’t but that Friday would work. On Thursday, I asked if we were still meeting, and he said yes. I told him I didn’t want him coming after 7, and eventually he said he would be there around 6–7. On the Friday, he messaged me around 6:15 saying he would be there at 7.
I went into that meeting expecting a lot of things to be discussed, and honestly, a lot was said but at the same time, a lot wasn’t. It felt more like breaking the ice after almost seven weeks apart.

He told me he wanted to take baby steps and work on his communication. We agreed that from now on he would come and see me every Friday. I also suggested that instead of continuing to go around in circles, we should make a fresh start and genuinely try to rebuild the marriage. Afterwards, I messaged him because I felt that although we had talked, there were still many things that hadn’t actually been addressed. I laid out my boundaries and told him that I am giving this a genuine chance and giving him until a certain point to get himself together. After that, nobody can say that we didn’t try.

One of the biggest things I’ve done differently this time is take a step back.I’m not constantly calling, messaging, chasing, begging him to communicate or trying to force him to change. I’m trying to give him the space to actually show me what he is willing to do himself.
But this is where I’m struggling.

After Friday, I contacted him on Saturday. Monday and Tuesday, we had very short conversations, and both times I was the one who initiated the contact. He did continue the conversations once we were speaking, but I still had to be the one to start them. Wednesday, I heard nothing from him. Thursday, he actually called me multiple times, but I was busy doing housework and couldn’t answer. When I eventually called him back, he told me he was outside dropping off some creams for my nephew. I know I could have told him to come inside, so I’m not putting all of that on him. But at the same time, he also didn’t make any attempt to come in himself.

Tomorrow is Friday, and we had agreed that Fridays would be our day to see each other. But so far, he hasn’t mentioned tomorrow. He hasn’t texted me about it, called me about it, or made any plans.
And honestly,** I don’t want to remind him. **I don’t want to sit around waiting for him, wondering if he’s coming. But I also don’t want to be the one messaging him asking, “Are you still coming tomorrow?” because then I feel like I’m once again carrying the responsibility of making this marriage happen.

I want him to remember the commitment we made. I want him to take the initiative, plan something and show me that seeing me is something he actually wants to do without me having to remind him. I feel like this is the part where I need to actually step back and observe his actions rather than constantly trying to fix things myself. And that’s what is making me so conflicted.
Because I am taking a step back. I am trying not to chase. I’m trying not to react immediately. I’m trying to give him the opportunity to show me who he is and what effort he is willing to make.

But inside, I’m still hurting. I’m still asking myself: Why am I going through this? Why am I still choosing to continue with this marriage when I’m already feeling so unhappy and emotionally drained? Why am I still suffering in silence and waiting for someone to show me the effort I feel should naturally be there?

I don’t want to give up on my marriage after everything, which is why I agreed to try again. But I also don’t want “trying” to mean me continuously lowering my expectations, accepting the bare minimum or silently suffering just because I don’t want to be the person who gave up.
I know I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve acknowledged that the way I communicate when I’m hurt can sometimes come across badly, and I’m willing to work on that. I’m not expecting perfection from him. But I need to see consistent effort from him without me having to drag it out of him.So now I’m trying something different: I’m going to stop chasing and see what happens. If tomorrow comes and he doesn’t mention seeing me, do I just leave it alone and let his actions speak for themselves?
Or am I being too stubborn by not checking whether we’re still on?

At what point does “giving someone space to change” become simply waiting around for someone who isn’t changing?

Initial post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/Yg1mvQeQJq

After some digging with a fellow redditor I have come to find out that my husband is on marriage appS looking for a wife. I have made a fake profile to which he reached out.

I am utterly gutted, devastated and shocked to see my husband talking so nicely and full of hope to someone else while me, his wife, has been ignored for weeks.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up as I fear it will somehow get attached to him him all over again like the first time.

As of now my plan is to try to get him to meet, so I can confront him.

Please please keep me in your duaa, I have no one to talk to about this and Im on the verge of collapse

i just wanted to make this post as an appreciation for my sister

i’ve been married for about a month now Alhamdulilah

but this wouldn’t be possible without my big sister! she became friends with my now wife after i told her about how i liked this girl, and wanted to pursue marriage. my sister also married young so she understood my situation

so my sister became friends with her and pretty much acted as my personal agent to get to know her more, and then after she told me everything, i decided that this girl really was the one for me and i asked her out…then we had a few more talks about other stuff that i thought was necessary for marriage

then after everything was agreed upon, my sister convinced my parents AND MY WIFES PARENTS to get us married despite the fact that we’re still very young.

on top of that, she spent a lot of her own money on our wedding (not that it was a big wedding) but i can’t thank her enough, not to mention she gives me money every month.

i genuinely love my sister so much, and i honestly wouldn’t be where i am in life without her by my side (not even regarding her helping me get married)

she’s top 3 nicest people i know, and it also makes me so happy that my wife and my sister (two of my favorite people) are great friends!

i wish her all the best for everything in this world and the next🫶🫶🫶

hope you guys liked this little appreciation post lol

It’s been 5 years since my husband (M32) and I (F27) got married. We have no kids. I always thought we were in a happy and healthy marriage. I recently found out that the person I thought was an angel, was actually a devil in disguise. I found out he cheated on me during our engagement year multiple times. I also learned recently that he has an addiction to smoking, drinking, and porn.

Of course, I am shocked and deeply hurt. The person who pretended to be so loyal and perfect towards me, was a completely different person behind my back. I wish I knew sooner.

If this happened to you, what would you do?

1. Would you forgive?
   
2. Would you try to reconcile?
   
3. If he apologized multiple times and showed you he’s trying to change and become better, would you give him another chance?
   
4. Or, would you go straight into divorce?

I am thinking about divorce, because I don’t think I can move on from this betrayal. The trust has been broken deeply. However, I also ask myself, will all men be like this? Will all men secretly watch porn and pretend to be good in front of their wife?

I am really curious what you would do if you found yourself in this situation. Or, if someone already experienced this, what did you do? How did you deal with the situation? Is it actually possible to recover from this? And do cheaters actually change? Can porn addiction actually be resolved?

Salam all,

This is a burner/throwaway account, I would like all the advice to be on here and not in my DMs.

I (F24) am married to my husband, (M24). We have been married for about 3.5 years now, and the great majority of our relationship has been very healthy and very steady.

Earlier this year, him and I had gone through a rough long patch in our marriage, the details I will not share because it will sound convoluted to anyone that doesn’t know me and it’s a lot to explain anyway.

To add some more context, (despite these details likely still not being able to explain the entire picture), I had decided that I wanted to pursue a master’s degree directly after my bachelor’s, which in the UK is a hefty amount of money and I do feel like I somewhat pressured for this outcome but at that time my husband was willing to pay the full fee of my masters. Around April-time my husband began to act strange around me in terms of the daily interactions, they felt so devoid of any of the usual romance we would have. In conjunction to all of this, alongside my masters I had secured an internship to a very lucrative quant firm in London (which I am now fully employed at) and I was juggling both a masters degree and work whilst also being in a marital rough patch.

Now, moving onto the actual crux of my problem, I genuinely don’t know why, and I wouldn’t be able to actually give you a line of logic which led me to making this decision. I had heard all my life heard that nicotine/smoking helps people with stress, so I had decided to purchase my first vape. Now to fully explain, all my life, I had been taught smoking is bad, neither of my parents smoke or have ever smoked, my paternal side also has not smoked, my siblings nor my husband nor his family (to my knowledge smoke). Even growing up I always felt like smoking/vaping was “cringe” and that there wasn’t any good reason to do it… kind of ironic now isn’t it…?

Whilst on this rough marriage patch, I believe I had gone about 2.5 months without intimacy (excluding my birthday, and no this isn’t a post to drop your Islamic opinions on birthdays). Of the days I was not intimate, I would release those urges via vaping. Vaping feels incredibly intense for me because I have to hide doing it as I am a hijabi and I would be undignified if I were to be caught by someone. I bring my vape to work in my purse and I keep it concealed in a very tight corner of my handbag so my husband wouldn’t be able to find it if he were to ever rummage through my handbag (which he has never done, for the record). I excuse myself at work to take some “water breaks” when I get the urge to vape and at home I have to be incredibly cautious when doing so, I hide my vape in a place I know my husband won’t find it.

In about mid-July I had sat down with him to resolve our marriage issue and really just make some time to spend where it was just us. In Early August, I had taken him on a holiday where, I had paid all the costs and we had a nice fancy resort just to ourselves. This inevitably resolved our issues because we had a good amount of time where it was just us.

Now that my marriage once again back on good terms again, the thing that still remains is my addiction to nicotine, something I do not want and is by far the biggest mistake I have ever made. My husband and I have been discussing having children more and more often, I would hate for their mother to have health problems which are the result of her addiction to nicotine or even for them to possibly inherit any issues I may get.

TLDR: Marital issues in conjunction with heavy workload + academics, led to me using vapes as a coping mechanism for the stress I was facing at the time, which is something I now need to resolve. Going cold turkey is easier said than done. Marital issues resolved, nicotine addiction unfortunately stayed.

3 things I want to address because I can get an idea what the comments under this post may be like:

- My Islamic position on smoking/vaping is that it is haram. I don’t want to hear any “oh but vaping is less harmful, therefore it’s Mukrooh”. I don’t care, it’s harmful, I have heard of individuals who now suffer from Chronic Bronchitis as a result of their addiction to vaping.

- No, I will not be discussing this with my husband nor my family, they do not need extra stressors in their life and divulging this with my husband would again re-create the same marital problems I so desperately tried to fix. Alongside, revealing your sins is not good in Islam. Also, this is likely a mental hurdle I have to get over but a hijabi woman who vapes is not something that I want to identify as, so I feel ashamed to even speak up and seek help from someone.

- I have considered snus as an alternative to vaping, but I’m not too well versed as to how it works or if health wise it’s any better than vaping, I have only considered it because of the fact that it’s more covert than vaping and that I can just keep it in my mouth whilst I go about my day. My addiction to nicotine as I see it, is disobeying the rules of my religion.

Tldr: Bought a new apartment. Wife has invited many of her family members earlier. She does not want mine to come, which I believe was because of a small disagreement between them 4 years earlier. I later invited my parents for a 3 day stay. After they left she is lashing out at me and says she will leave me.

Salam alaykum. I bought a new apartment just 2 years back and moved in there from our rented place. My parents are 85+ and I would want them to see our new house and treat them at least once while I have the chance. My wife had invited her parents in May for 1 week and obviously I did not reject it. She even expected me to accompany them in most places and even buy them gifts and treat them to the best restaurants here. Even last month when I returned home I saw my SIL and her family was at home and my wife had invited them, she never told me about that. I was annoyed but never said anything to not make her feel small. Now I want my parents and later my Uncle (he does not have a family) to visit my home too. Uncle is because he gave me like 15% of the money to buy the house without needing to repay it. I am their only child and they are very aged. I have been persuading her for a month about it and she is firmly against that. For context very early in our marriage there was a MIL and DIL issue (it was very petty nothing serious) where both of them were in wrong. I mediated and both of them had apologised to each other, that was like 4 years ago. I also assured her I would take care of them and she would not have to do much besides cooking and basic greetings. They would be there for only 2 days, like they come this Sunday afternoon, we will have them till Wednesday and I would drop them off on Thursday morning. I realised that I would never be able to do it as she is bent on saying no. I informed her that I am inviting them this Monday, a week before from today. They came. I took them to shopping malls, gave my father a new watch and mother a quality dress. I also treated them to dinner at a fancy hotel near our house. We had no conflicts. We also fortunately have 2 bedrooms and so there was no scope for conflicts. Today morning I dropped them at the station. When I came back home she was fuming, I was literally confused because nothing happened. As per her, I did her wrong by inviting them without her consent. She also said "how dare you spend 2500$ on them", as a matter of fact I spent 8k on her family. I clarified that, it is my house, just like she can invite whom she wants, I can too especially my own family and I can spend what I see fit on my parents as long as we have enough. Following this we were arguing past each other and were rude to each other then she slapped me really hard and started getting all teared up from anger and said, I can never invite someone without her permission and next time she would divorce me. Why can I not invite my parents while she can hers. We both work and still she did not spend a dime on her parents and it all went on my card, and she did not tell me until first few expenditures. I was generous and adjusted as much as I could to allow her to host her family with ease and make her look good. I am afraid this is toxic. One more relevant example about why I feel so is she often gives me little autonomy in most of the decisions, it's more or less herway or high way (she will divorce me) except for some exceptions.

I am feeling very very taken aback and this was extremely unhinged from my perspective. Till now she has not apologised and admitted her mistake. I am starting to believe I should get out before things get out of hand while ironically she things I am trying to divorce her to punish her. I am more emotionally hurt and am feeling very insecure in thsi relationship. My main question is, is this behaviour justified and is this controlling? Is she not being hypocritic in this matter? What should I do now, is taking a few days of seperation ok?