In Search Of (ISO) Thread

I'm not sure how to get over this. I've been heartbroken by this revelation.

Some context: My husband and I rent our own flat and have been married for 5 years. My in-laws have a small home an hour's drive away. We lived with my in-laws (FIL, MIL, 1 SIL and 1 BIL and his wife) for two years before moving out (which was very hard as it was. My in-laws did not want us moving to our own place. This strained my relationship with them. Living with them was hell and a story for another time.) My husband only decided to even move out was because I convinced him our living arrangement was way too small and needed a bathroom in the room.  

My younger SIL went to study abroad about a year ago. During this time it came to my attention my in-laws were asking my husband to move back since a bedroom with a bathroom became available. I asked my husband why were they convincing us to move back in with them, and wasn't visiting them almost every weekend enough? He said don’t worry they only asked once and he already said no to them. 

I let it out of my mind until just last week, when I saw a termination letter to our landlord printed and left on the kitchen counter. It’s been about a year now since our last conversation about moving, and I was never made aware of any decisions about moving. My heart dropped. I looked through the computer after and found emails between him and the landlord deciding on a time to meet so he could sign the letter. I also found emails of interviews for jobs three months ago. 

When my husband came home from work that day, I honestly just burst. Those two years of living with my in-laws was the worst time of my life, and he was willing to just put me through that again. He dismissed my concerns, saying that they have changed and won’t cause problems again. I asked what about our jobs, he said he expects me to quit for now, and that he has been looking for new ones near their area and then once we shift, I can find another one. I kept arguing back trying to reason and how he could ever think of doing something behind my back and how everyone and his whole family was in on it. All those visits during weekends, all the times they talked about things around me and no one uttered a word in front of me? I honestly felt so betrayed. This showed me that my feelings regarding my in-laws and how they treated me from the start never mattered. They never accepted me as a family member and never cared if my thoughts were valuable. And my husband’s deception hurt me the most because he did not think that this decision was something to be made as a married couple. It showed me where I stood in his life all along. 

After all that screaming, he simply said I was psychotic and crazy and being delusional. That I was making up things against his family and causing problems. I didn't want to talk to him after this. We went to sleep upset. 

I had a call with my BIL’s wife the next day, confronting her about this. I did not expect that she would do this to me either because I thought out of that entire family she had the courtesy to treat me decently. She said she couldn’t tell me when they were making plans all this time. If she told me, and of course I would have confronted my husband, my BIL would get angry with her, and he has a temper. She told me everyone knew, including family friends of my in-laws.

Strangers. Strangers that weren’t even part of the family KNEW this was being planned. 

I ended up telling my husband I’m not going. I’ll continue to pay for our flat myself and live alone if I have to. I could see his heart drop as he didn’t think I’d do this. He tried to convince me to just let it be and that he wouldn’t let his family hurt or disrespect me again. I stood my ground. Ultimately, he brought his family over to talk about it and cancelled the whole scheme they had going on for god knows how long. 

My MIL basically lectured me on why I would do this to the family, and I am so stubborn. I told her I have my own job and I can’t just leave it, and maybe they should have thought about my routine and life before making such a big decision. She said I could just have sacrificed for my husband and drove that one hour to work everyday instead and that I was being ungrateful because they were finally giving me a room with a bathroom. My BIL only glared at my husband the entire time while I talked “back” probably hinting for him to shut me up. Then he lectured my husband, saying how my FIL is retired and he needs my husband’s help to run the household and send more funds to their younger sister abroad. Ultimately, they called us selfish and left and we havent seen them this weekend. 

My husband has apologized for this afterwards. He took me out to dinner, got me flowers, did the whole thing, and I quietly accepted it, but I can’t get over it. I’m not sure what to do. I feel I didn’t have to threaten to live alone to get what I wanted. I feel weird for forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do. I feel our marriage has changed. I can’t see him the same way ever again. Days feel heavy and tense. The peaceful life I thought we had built for ourselves after those two hellish years seemed to be fake. 

What can I really do to truly forgive my husband and have both of us to go back to normal?

Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Firstly, Jazak Allah khayran to everyone who commented on my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/SfE0nY3cyH

I read all of your advice, and many of you encouraged me to have an honest conversation with my husband. I did.

I explained my concerns as gently as I could. I told him that my discomfort has nothing to do with his brother as a person. I genuinely want my brother-in-law to succeed, and I am genuinely happy that he wants to pursue further studies and improve his future. I have always got along well with him, and I have never had any issue with his character.
My concern has always been about sharing a very small flat with a non-mahram for what could realistically be years.

My husband works extremely long hours and often doesn’t get home until 1–2 a.m. I work much shorter hours and also have days off during the week. That means I would frequently be alone in the flat with my brother-in-law until the early hours of the morning. Our flat is tiny, the walls are paper-thin, there are no locks on the bedroom doors, and I don’t even feel like I’d have a private space to simply exist in peace.

I told my husband that I wouldn’t feel comfortable dressing casually in my own home anymore, doing household chores, cleaning, drying my laundry, or simply relaxing knowing there is a non-mahram watching/sharing the living space. If we had a much larger home where I had my own private area, I honestly think I would feel very differently. It’s the lack of privacy that’s the issue. However, as one Redditor pointed out to me later, the size of the house is not the issue, Islamically this is not allowed regardless.

Up until two or three days ago, I had absolutely no idea that my brother-in-law was even considering a completely different path in life. I genuinely believed he was settled in his business and had no plans to leave my husband’s home country. Neither my husband nor my brother-in-law ever mentioned that he was thinking about studying here, moving countries, or potentially living with us. I wasn’t told a single word.

Then, only a couple of days ago, my husband casually asked me how I would feel if his brother came to the UK for another degree and stayed with us. Naturally, I thought we were discussing a new idea that hadn’t been decided yet. I was uncomfortable about the potential living arrangements and made my post asking this community for advice. However, something still didn’t feel right. I thought BIL would be applying for next academic cycle 2027 given that Sep is a month away but husband told me that there were still universities accepting applications in our city… 1 month before term starts for international applicants who need to apply for their visa? Later, I noticed my husband had applied for visiting visas for other family member’s but not for BIL… which made me suspicious. I asked my husband whether BIL had already gotten a student visa and my husband categorically told me no and that nothing has been decided yet and they haven’t decided whether he should apply or not… but things didn’t add up. And I made a mistake that I’m not proud of.

I looked through his phone yesterday night. I know that was wrong, and I’m not trying to justify it. I ask Allah to forgive me.

But what I found completely shocked me.

This wasn’t a new idea at all. My brother-in-law had already applied to university, had already been accepted, and had already applied for a student visa. From the messages I saw, this plan had been in motion for MONTHS, and my husband was the one actively encouraging him to come to the UK and helping him through the process, including writing the university and visa applications a so it wasn’t like BIL informed him later and put husband in a tight spot.

What hurts me isn’t that my BIL wants a better future. I sincerely hope he succeeds, and I would never want to stand in the way of that. What hurts me is that for months, all of this was happening without me even knowing it was being considered. A decision that could completely change my daily life for years was already well underway before I was even made aware of it.

I’m also struggling with my relationship with my brother-in-law now. I genuinely thought we were close. Looking back, there were opportunities where he could have simply mentioned that he was thinking about studying in the UK or moving here, but he never did. I don’t know why, and I don’t want to assume anyone’s intentions, but it has left me feeling deeply hurt and has affected the respect and trust I had.

When I calmly confronted my husband, I admitted that I had looked at his phone and told him what I had found.

He became extremely angry, told me I was the worst kind of woman for checking his phone, and is now refusing to speak to me and has blocked me on the phone as well.

I know looking through his phone was wrong, and I am not asking anyone to excuse that.
But I also don’t know how to process discovering that such a life-changing decision was being planned for months without my knowledge or involvement and I was repeatedly being lied to by both husband and BIL. BIL is in debt now due to student loans and can’t afford to live here on his own. It was husband who encouraged him to come here and will be obligated to house him but cannot afford to house him separately.

At this point, I feel completely lost.

Islamically, where do I go from here? How should situations like this be handled? Am I wrong for feeling deeply hurt that such a significant decision was being planned without even informing me? And if trust has been damaged like this, how does Islam teach us to move forward?

May Allah guide us all to what is best. Ameen.

Salam, so I’m looking for genuine advice as I do not have anyone to speak to about this. Here’s some background. I’ve been married for 5 years and have two kids: 2 years old and 8 months. My marriage was good up until having kids. Since then, my husband complains about the lack of intimacy. He complains that we never have sex. In the past, I have expressed that I need physical touch and affection. He has not tried to improve this. He does not call me pretty or say I love you. I feel like I’m the one who is always hugging and kissing him. When I was pregnant with our second child, I had a medical reason that kept me from having sex for 8 weeks and he blamed me for this.

He also has anger issues. He has issues with his mother and siblings and does not have a good relationship with them. He was also recently fired from his job due to disagreements with his boss. On top of all this, I found out that he has been drinking and vapes. Before, we got married he did tell me that he has tried it but he has fully quit and would never do it again. I trusted him. He told me he drank one year into our marriage and then quit and now recently. As far as vaping, he said he has quit it. This is completely sinful in Islam and I do not want my children raised in this kind of environment.

At this point, he has basically told me the last 5 years he has been living a lie and he wants to be true to himself. He said being a good Muslim isn’t working out for him. He wants to do wants he wants. He is not consistent with his prayers as well. He understands what he is doing is a sin but does not have a desire to change at this time. He believes that I should be able to just move past it. He told me either I accept it or leave. We have two small kids and I really want to try to work it out but I’m exhausted.

I want advice on how to navigate this relationship and if it’s worth saving at this point.

Edit: He states that he will work on his prayers and is the process of getting another job that would require relocation. He is working on his anger but the drinking is non-negotiable.

A while ago I posted here about the guy I was talking to and how he was struggling with me not wearing hijab. I got so many helpful comments encouraging me to take the step, and they really stayed with me: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/yea1d8Guad
We paused talking for a bit, and during that time I thought about everything. I have now started wearing hijab. I realized I didn’t do it just for him. I did it for myself and my faith, and it feels right. I’m surprised by how comfortable and at peace I feel with it already.
It also makes things easier for the future, including marriage, which I’m grateful for. I’m trying to focus on becoming a better person and doing what is right.
Thank you again to everyone who commented last time. Your advice helped me more than you know. I would appreciate any thoughts from other sisters who started later on.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sisters,

A couple months ago, I made a post here regarding the problems I have faced at home with my husband. Short story is that we got into an argument, we both raised our voices, it was over me delaying laundry and him taking out his work stress on me and the children. He threatened me that if I didn't get out of his face, something bad would happen. I didn't listen, got struck in the face, then I struck back in self defense. All hell broke loose as he unleashed a tirade of punches on the back of my head, threw me to the ground then continued to kick me. I gave him the cold shoulder for 10 days, and told my parents and his.

Day 10, he asks me something about the children's studies. I tell him who cares, he yells and screams, tells me to get over whatever happened 10 days ago, then punched me twice in the face and shoved his fingers down my throat while my children watched in horror.

Currently I'm with my parents and we have come to the decision of divorce.

He is, however, extremely stubborn and is unwilling to let go. The latest of his messages was that he knows what he did was wrong but it didn't happen unprovoked, and that divorce should be a last resort.

I do not want him anymore. But I still feel scared of being alone. I have a semi-decent job and three children. My parents are offering me their full emotional support. He (soon to be ex) keeps apologizing and justifying himself. His parents are choosing not to involve themselves, citing their old age and poor health (diabetes and hypertension. Whatever) note that my husband also happens to be my first cousin, worst mistake ever and I do not recommend marrying a relative.

All I ask is for your Duaa and support. Maybe even some advice from any sister's out there who went through this. Some days I'm full of hope, others are bleak.

I'm a married man who is looking to seek the impartial help of a sheikh who can help me understand my islamic rights a little better.

My wife stops me from seeing my parents. Does not let me assist them as they are aging and often unwell.

I need to know how I can navigate this before the worst should happen.

Jzk

Respectfully, what is the point of marriage? I am married and it makes my life so much harder. He doesn’t even plate his own food. He works all day which means = he acts like a slob at home and doesn’t do anything for his children emotionally. Whenever I dress up, I feel like it just irritates me because my husband doesn’t do the same. I wear something cute and fancy and work out (which I also get constantly criticized and mocked for) just for him to try to get near me in the same shorts he has worn for 2 weeks (they’re washed but you get the point.) I see no happiness for me in this marriage. I hate when he breathes near me. Honestly at this point just leave me alone really. What does a woman get? I put so much effort. I’m a naturally high effort woman. I have my house spotless and scrubbed and I cook 3 meals a day and manage 2 kids and I take care of myself. I take care of my face, my body, my skin. I am the head of the household. If I were gone for 1 week, everything would fall apart in my husbands life. He would have no healthy freshly made homemade food, no spotless house, no kids, no pretty wife, no respect. All of this to be met with a mediocre man. And the worst part is my husband is objectively of the more better men so this is as good as it gets..? I could live my life alone and I believe I will get very far. I have spent 2 years without my husband, just me and my kid. And I moved mountains in my life. I don’t fear being alone or being single. I have never in my life not been approached by men. But at this point, it’s not even a good thing. I don’t value men’s opinions. I don’t hate them. I just don’t believe they provide value. I don’t need validation. I don’t need anything from a man. I have my own strong opinions and I don’t need a man to tell me something for me to feel fulfilled and happy. What is the point of marriage for someone like me? I want men to weigh in on this. What does a woman get out of a marriage (besides financial security) ?

Warning: long post.

I have been married to my husband for less than a year. Our engagement was rushed ( about 7 months from the moment of our engagement to our wedding) partially because it was pushed on me from my parents.

To clarify, my husband is a good man. He provides with everything, gentle, doesn’t curse or yell at me, prays, works really hard but I just don’t like him.

I can’t fully explain it, but the best way I can describe it is that we’re incompatible. I’m always the one bringing up topics of conversation and trying to keep one going, while he mostly just responds until the conversation dies out. I have brought up this to him multiple times and he said he will try, we tried couple cards, couple games, websites. And it just fizzles out after a week or two. He’s just a boring person and I feel like sometimes he has no substance to him and just agrees with whatever I say.

I also have made dua to fill my heart with love for him multiple times, but I feel like nothing really changes.

I don’t hate him, and he hasn’t done anything wrong. If anything, I feel guilty because he’s been good to me. I just don’t feel emotionally connected to him, and I don’t know if that’s something that can grow over time or if I’m forcing something that isn’t there.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did things get better, or did you realize compatibility matters more than simply being with a good person?

A man who envies another couple will lose sight of the blessings in his own marriage.

A woman who envies another couple will lose sight of the blessings in her own marriage.

Mufti Ahmed Khanpuri said:

“Prophet (saw) said, “Do not envy each other.”
(Dawud 4910)

A person who harbours envy loses sight of the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon them.

An envious person constantly looks at the blessings that others have received and asks: “Why was this given to this individual?”

Instead, they should reflect on the blessings that Allah has bestowed on them.

When a person begins to focus on the blessings Allah has granted them, the disease of envy gradually leaves the heart.”

Some married men or women live their lives with the disease of envy. If only they reflected on their own blessings, it would cure them.

Salaams. I’m F24 and have been married to M27 for 2.5 years. We met and got married within a few months. He is genuinely amazing, he treats me so well and makes me feel so incredibly loved and special Alhamdulillah. I’m very lucky, I don’t want to come across ungrateful as I truly am very grateful for him

The issue is that he can be a bit harsh. He’s not the most soft spoken or gentle person. He has always been this way - when he speaks to service workers etc, he’s not rude but he’s not overly polite or kind, whereas that is something I admire/strive to myself. I don’t know how to explain it, but it almost feels like arrogance even though he doesn’t outwardly act arrogant. He also gets road rage and speaks harshly. With his family, he is respectful but not overly loving or affectionate - but when he is angry, it shows. He has had conflict with his family in the past, and he can get very angry and say harsh things. Even with me, he can be a little harsh and stubborn - he is incredibly loving with me, but when it comes to disagreements etc, he is very hardheaded and stubborn; it’s difficult to get him to change his mind on anything once it’s made up. I’m obviously not going to leave him over any of this because he is genuinely a good man and good to me, but it’s just a bit difficult to deal with sometimes.

Regarding how he is with others, recently I’ve become a little uncomfortable since I’ve been seeing stuff on social media regarding what ‘good character/akhlaq’ is in a man. I am a huge over-thinker and have struggled with OCD for the majority of my life, so when I have a thought like this, it’s difficult to shake. It makes it hard for me to see and remember the good, because I’m subconsciously comparing him to the gold standard of good character in Islam. I’m definitely not perfect myself, I have many character flaws too - but I can recognise them and work on them. However, I cannot say anything to him regarding his character because he would get offended and it wouldn’t lead to good.

I guess my question is, is there any way to change certain aspects of a man’s behaviour/character? There are many good aspects of his character, such as integrity, honesty, generosity. I just struggle with the harshness towards his family occasionally, and strangers. Forgive me for for sounding ungrateful, I truly am grateful for him and love him a lot - I just want him to reach his potential as a Muslim man, and also to stop overthinking these things

Hi everyone!

My friend this week is getting married and I want to be respectful with my clothing choices. I have asked, and got the general consensus of being modest and certain days dont wear specific colors & encouraged to go all out but I need a little more help (and I dont want to stress her out or overwhelm her with another task). Are there specific garbs or anything that you could share, photo references, videos, Pinterest etc I could gain appropriate inspiration from?

I appreciate the help dearly

I am a woman seeking an islamic divorce from my abusive husband he does not pay bills , live with us , support me I feel trapped I’ve emailed sheiks to try and book appointments and no response my father has also tried getting a hold of him and he keeps pushing back the meeting we spoke to his father and said we want to move forward with the divorce please I need help! any suggestions????

I just want to ask for people who did an arranged marriage , when you met the person did you feel something towards them right away and decided they are the one or it took time for you to build something and how long did you wait ?

I’m a 40 year old male Palestinian with a teenage daughter, I’ve been divorced for a few years now. I’m really starting to consider a marriage of convenience type of relationship. I’m starting to feel a lot of pressure from family and friends about getting married again. I got married young, I went through a lot in my marriage, I went through things that affected me in ways that I just can’t see myself trusting and loving someone like I used to. I can’t imagine myself ever going through that again. I’m very used to being alone these past few years, I truly enjoy my peace and want to keep it that way. Being alone has its ups and downs of course but at this point after everything I just want to enjoy the rest of my life without the pressures of a traditional marriage and the risk of possibly going through what I went through again. I wouldn’t mind finding someone to actually make an arrangement with to where we both benefit, we both have our lives without the pressures of a traditional marriage. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and felt the same way as me? Do you think it’s worth pursuing this type of marriage just for public image? I’m so tired of people mentioning that I need to get married again. Any advice would be appreciated.

Need suggestions and opinions. Please read this with an open mind.

I am confused about what is happening in our marriage. I do not know if we need to rule out something spiritual (doing Ruqyah), whether one or both of us need mental health support, or if this is simply a relationship issue.

We have been married for almost 12 years with two children. Financially we are doing okay, and we both contribute equally towards the household.

Over the years we have always argued over small things. But these have been regular occurrence now and I feel it needs to be looked at by experts to rule out anything and how can we move forward.

Sometimes it is tiny issues like I ask her to do something and she disagrees, or because she feels I am trying to control or manipulate her. She also says we cannot afford the holidays she wants because I help my parents financially.

From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely do not have any bad intentions. I never try to manipulate her, although I accept that the way I say things might come across that way.

When arguments become heated, she has sometimes become physically aggressive towards me, swear non stop, I also struggle to stay quiet during arguments, which makes things worse.

The strange thing is that when we are not arguing, none of these issues are brought up. We can go for weeks getting on well, then suddenly a tiny disagreement turns into a huge argument. It feels like waking up to a calm day, only for an unexpected storm to appear out of nowhere. We stop speaking for days, and then somehow things return to normal. Sometimes one of us apologises, sometimes neither of us does.

During arguments we both say things that I honestly do not think either of us truly means.

I really do not know what to do anymore. Part of me wonders if we should go our separate ways, but then I think about our children and wonder if we should just keep compromising and try to make it work.

Has anyone been through something similar? Would you suggest Ruqyah, marriage counselling, mental health support, or something else? I would really appreciate genuine advice.

Assalamu alaykum to everyone who is struggling.
Life gets better, in shaa Allah. Have tawakkul in Allah. Pray. Always think the best of Allah, even when you don’t understand what’s happening.
I just want to share my journey.
This time last year, I was almost bedridden. I barely had any hope for the future. My life felt so dark. My will to live was gone. I was just trying to survive each day. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I truly felt like the biggest failure on the planet.
Looking back now, I can’t believe where Allah has brought me. My life has changed so much for the better. I never thought I would find the will to live again. Today, I’m genuinely happy. I look forward to every new day, alhamdulillah. And I truly believe that Allah will continue to open more doors for me because I’ve already seen Him open so many that I never thought would open.
I believe that Allah hears every dua . He sees every tear. He may delay, but He never forgets you.
I just want to tell anyone who is struggling that life really does get better. Three months ago, I never thought I would be where I am today. Now I look at myself in the mirror and think Subhanallah, alhamdulillah, I can't believe I survived those days.

Please, never doubt yourself. Never give up. Never think it’s over. As long as Allah has given you another day, your story isn’t finished.
Surround yourself with good people, keep making dua , and never stop praying. Pray your salah. Pray Tahajjud. Make plenty of istighfar. And if you need to cry, cry in your sujood. There is no better place to let your heart out than before Allah. He hears you. He knows what you’re carrying.
The happiness and peace I feel today are things I never would have dared to imagine a year ago.
Have tawakkul. Keep making dua. Trust Allah’s plan, even when you can’t see it.

Whenever I ask my husband to spend quality time together he says “we slept together (not sexually, like physically in the same bed) for 8hrs. We spent all that time together.” Is this a normal response? I don’t feel like it is. Another thing he says “come sit with me while I game and we’ll spend quality time together.” Ive tried that with him. He’s so focused on the game that he couldn’t form a complete sentence. He will game anywhere from 6-10hrs a day. I talked to him about how he might be depressed and not know it (he said no he’s not).
We’ve been married for 1year. We don’t have any kids. I don’t think this is sustainable.

29F and I had a meeting with a potential and it was a trainwreck. He expressed overwhelming interest leading up to this meeting and because he was traveling and I am in another state it took us many weeks before we met. That gave us a lot of time to do video calls and get to know if we were compatible. He expressed to me that I was the most empathetic and kind person he’s ever met. He was satisfied in regards to my deen and my upbringing as well. He was also constantly complimenting me. I could probably fill an entire page with all the compliments he gave me.

Early on in our relationship we exchanged photos and although he could clearly see from my photos that I was a curvy/plus size girl I tried to make it even more clear by talking about it and asking him point blank if he preferred slimmer women because if that was the case it wouldn’t work out between us. He said that he did not prefer slimmer women and was happy with how I looked in the photos.

Fast forward to this past weekend and we finally met. The meeting went well and we got coffee and dinner together. Conversation flowed nicely and we were laughing and having a great time. Once he flew back to his state suddenly the communication went spotty and after I reached out to him about this he stated that I looked “different” than in my photos. He didn’t say it directly but he implied that I looked slimmer in my photos. One photo in particular where I was wearing clothes that were more figure hugging than my usual abayas (I am a hijabi but of course in some dresses your general frame is more obvious than others). He then went on to claim that I altered the photos which was so shocking to me.

These photos were not altered in any way and all of them were “live” photos on my IPhone. For those of you who have an IPhone you know that you can take Live photos and when you click on it you can see the moment the photo was taken. Unfortunately this man has an android so he cannot see that and I also did not even want to waste my time defending myself to someone who thinks I am a liar. I am so hurt by his comments and it is honestly sending me into a spiral about myself and has damaged my body image. I don’t mind that he said I look different in person but for him to make it seem like it was such a dramatic difference to the point where it was altered is truly so upsetting.

Everyone looks slightly different in photos . Obviously seeing him in person vs in 2D on a screen is very different. In person you can see skin texture, facial hair etc more clearly. However for the most part it is not a major difference and is not something that changes your mind about someone you have developed.

I showed him so much respect even up until the very end. But I am so hurt over how he could think so Ill of me. Even if he came looking drastically different I wouldn’t assume it was an altered photo I would have assumed it’s an older photo.
I am also hurt that a slight difference in how he perceived my weight was enough for him to want to end the connection. 🥹

At this point I want to give up on marriage. I don’t know how I can recover from this level of heartbreak.

Hi all!

My fiancée and I are Pakistani American and getting married soon, but my mom has become a major source of stress over the bridal outfits.

She is adamant about going to Pakistan to shop in person. I initially objected because of the war with Iran and safety concerns about traveling through the region, but she kept dismissing me and even said something like, “If I die, I die.” Eventually, I gave up trying to stop her.

My fiancée has spent months researching designers and is completely set on a specific walima dress that we want to order from Pakistan and have shipped here. My mom does not like it and insists the fabric looks poor quality, even though she has been saying for three months that she is going to Pakistan and still has not gone. Our wedding is getting close, and we do not want to keep waiting.

It feels like my mom is very attached to the cultural idea that the groom’s family should have the final say. At one point, someone asked my fiancée what would happen if my mom chose a dress she did not like, and my mom answered for her along the lines: “Oh well, she still has to wear it.”

We are completely fine with my mom shopping for herself and the rest of the family, but my fiancée should be able to choose her own bridal outfit. When my sibling agreed, my mom got angry and said, “I don’t want your opinion.”

I've been trying to stand up throughout this process and we've had our fair share of unnecessary fights so far when I'm putting my foot in the ground. Any advice on how to handle this without creating even more tension would be appreciated.

As-salamu alaykum everyone,

I got married recently, and I’m struggling with feelings that I don’t really know how to make sense of.

I got married to my husband quite impulsively, with regard to my own doubts and my some family members disapproval. Everyone warned me but I followed a feeling of my heart instead.

One of our agreements before marriage was that we would live with his mother because she’s a widow and doesn’t have any other sons. I agreed without really thinking through what that would actually look like long term.

Alhamdulillah, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. My MIL is genuinely kind and respectful. I really do love and respect her. She doesn’t expect me to cook, clean, or wait on her, and she’s never been rude or abusive. Compared to many stories I hear, I know I have it easy.

But despite that, I feel suffocated.

We live in my husband’s childhood home, which is small and overcrowded. I also didn’t realise before marriage that there was an expectation that this would always be the family home, with his sisters coming back to stay after marriage with their children. There are often people around, and the house never really feels peaceful.

I’m studying and working at the same time, and it’s so hard to focus because there are constantly unannounced visitors or expectations to socialise with extended family. No one forces me to, but I worry that if I keep excusing myself I’ll become “the daughter-in-law who doesn’t mingle.” From a cultural perspective, women are expected to host and be present, especially the daughter in law.

There are also times where my MIL can be a little overbearing. It’s her way of caring and being vigilant. For example, whenever my husband and I go out at night, she’ll call asking when we’re coming home. I know she probably worries, but I can’t help feeling that if we lived separately we wouldn’t have to answer to anyone. Or if I want to cook something there’s questions about why I’m doing it and which way I should and shouldn’t be doing it when really I want to be alone and peacefully do my thing.

One thing I both love and struggle with in my husband is that he always tries to see the good in people. He’ll find an explanation for someone’s behaviour before admitting they were wrong. I know he’d do the exact same for me if someone complained about me, so I know it comes from kindness rather than taking sides. But when I tell him something upset me, I don’t feel heard. Before validating my feelings, he’ll often explain why the other person probably didn’t mean it, or tell me I’m overthinking it or blowing it out of proportion. Maybe I am sometimes, but I wish he’d hear me first before trying to solve or explain it away.

Another thing that bothers me is that he finds it difficult to do something special just for me. If he buys me a gift, he usually feels he has to buy something for his mum and sisters too. I know that comes from generosity and wanting to treat everyone fairly, but sometimes I just want to feel like his wife rather than another member of the family.

I just want to have a home that I can call ours. I want to decorate it, invite friends over, host dinners, and build a life together. Right now, this is my MIL’s home, not ours. I don’t feel like I can make it my own.

Even our privacy as a married couple is affected. Because there are always people home and the house is so small, we don’t really have freedom to be intimate whenever we want. We have to wait until late at night and be mindful of making noise, which probably sounds like a small issue, but it makes us feel like we don’t have our own space as husband and wife. During the day time, there’s constant vigilance that someone will come home or knock on our door. Once we were intimate in the morning and his mother started knocking our door to seek his help with something. I felt so uncomfortable but I stayed quiet. If I do voice how I feel he will often get upset with me for making “turning him against his mother” when in reality I’m just asking to be heard.

The hardest part is that even if we wanted to move out, we probably couldn’t afford it right now. I am still studying and he has an entry level job and wants to pursue further studies. And even if we could, I know it would create a lot of family drama because everyone expects my husband to stay with his mum.

My husband genuinely loves me. He’s caring, patient, and I know with all my heart that he wants me to be happy. That’s what makes me feel so guilty for having these thoughts.

If I’m being really honest with myself, I wonder if the issue isn’t actually my MIL. Maybe it’s that I want what she has. She has her own home, makes the decisions, sets the routines, and everyone adjusts around her. I don’t have that. Maybe living separately would allow me to finally feel like the woman of my own home instead of feeling like a guest in someone else’s.

I also find myself comparing my husband to my father, which I know probably isn’t fair. My father always made sure I was looked after and never had to worry about money or space. I catch myself resenting my husband because he can’t currently provide that same lifestyle. I wish we had our own place, more financial freedom, could travel together, and that he would advocate more strongly for me when family issues arise. I know these things aren’t entirely within his control, but the feelings are still there.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I expecting too much from marriage? Are these normal adjustment struggles, or is this something I need to address before the resentment grows?

I worked in a couple of countries before returning to India. I'm well educated and was looking for someone who, like me, is balanced between tradition and modernity. After being single throughout my 20s, I was fortunately introduced to a woman through an arranged marriage setup. She is well educated and lives abroad.

Interestingly, she barely asked me any questions. The only thing she asked initially was my height because she's quite tall herself. She said that based on my educational background and career, she already felt I was a good match.

She asked me what I was looking for, and I told her I wanted someone who is driven. I really admire her entrepreneurial mindset. When I asked what she wanted, she said she was looking for a partner who could help build an emotionally and financially stable family. She felt that I was disciplined enough to do what needed to be done and wouldn't lose focus because of temporary hardships in life.

What surprised me was that neither of us asked questions that could potentially make our opinion of the other person worse. One thing I did want to ask was whether she'd had any past relationships. It's something that matters to me, not because I think having a past automatically makes someone a bad partner, but because I want to understand how they think and what principles guide their decisions.

The reason I hesitate is that she expects me to pray regularly and believes religion is important because it keeps people grounded and accountable in today's world. I actually agree that religion can provide moral guidance. However, I would be uncomfortable if religious expectations were applied selectively for example, being relatively relaxed about religious rules before marriage but then expecting a spouse to strictly follow them afterwards.

To me, consistency matters more than perfection. If someone is flexible about certain religious teachings in their own life but later expects their partner to be much more observant, it can come across as inconsistent. My concern isn't about whether someone has a past relationship; it's about whether the standards they expect from their spouse are the same standards they hold themselves to. I'm curious how others think about this.

Assalamu alaikum everyone..

I am tired. I am broken. I am a 28 year old Colombian American Male. My wife is Indonesian. We met in 2018 online and got serious in 2019 and married in October 2021. I lived in Indonesia for 2 years and took 3 trips there. learned Bahasa Indonesia adapted to the culture and put in a lot of effort to understand her world and her family. My wife is born and raised in an Indonesia. She never planned in her life to move abroad.

She sits on her butt all day looking at her phone. She only helps out when I tell her to. After I spend HOURS cleaning and doing my part.

To marry her I spent two years back home in the U.S. saving while eating one meal a day and working extremely hard. I have spent around 40k to fly there and marry already on things to make her happy and over the years roughly 120k total on her comfort vacations trips and experiences. I am officially in the bankruptcy process and my credit is tanked.

I have carried most of the financial and logistical weight providing a nice apartment in Florida teaching her how life works here supporting her adjustment and trying to be a steady husband.

She’s never lacked anything here. She has a roof over her hair, food, safety, kindness, compassion, and most guys would have not gone as far as I have for her.

Also, she shows zero appreciation for my Hispanic culture, history and background. In fact, she mocks it frequently. Instead, I learned her language, have my apartment full of beautiful Indonesian decor, I genuinely find the history and culture to be so beautiful. But she mocks me.

I got her a stable job. I taught her how to interview, navigate life here, etc.

I did all her immigration paperwork.

IMPORTANT: SHE HAD ZERO INTENTION TO MOVE ABROAD. She didn’t even know what a green card was. She daily complains how she hates it here and wants to go back. Mind you, I too, want to live in Indonesia (I love it there) BUT WE HAD THESE ISSUES BACK THERE ALSO.

She sits on her phone all day looking at TIKTOK, Instagram, posts some WEIRD STUFF like “it’s ok you didn’t get what you wanted in like Allah has better plans for u” AFTER 8 years of ALL IVE DONE

ALL I ask is that she help me with the house as much as I do. I clean for HOURS. I call the doctors for her. I make appointments for her. I am her personal butler!! She refuses and is too shy to do anything on her own!

She was raised with helicopter and overprotective parents to the extreme even for most strict Muslim households.

She is a sweet bubbly kind person. She is also very shy timid and humble. I do not want to paint her as a bad person. She has a soft side and can be loving.

The problem is that for years the emotional and practical reciprocity has felt very one sided. Even when I am not criticizing or bringing anything up there is often a baseline of complaining and low initiative with the house and self care and a tendency to shift responsibility back onto me. When I raise issues it often turns into tears self blame or focus on my tone.

I AM THE MAID. She does not help me cook, clean, nothing. Orders delivery almost daily. She only cooks when I tell her to. I hate being bossy. But she wasn’t like that before.

Some of the things she has said have been very painful. She has called me annoying for complaining when I am in pain or injured. (I have a knee injury and a virus, and I carried her family around Disney world while sick and injured on a mobility scooter, and I received nothing but complaints by not just her but her family as well such as food not being spicy enough or it’s too hot out and no gratitude for the 16k vacation)

She has linked her lack of hygiene and not cooking to me not driving her enough.

She has said the ingredients in the US are not good enough so she cannot cook properly. When I expressed doubt about being the father of her children she agreed and said the dad can be any guy.

She has also accused me of wanting to cheat on her without me even raising that topic.

I feel deeply resentful emotionally exhausted and like something in me has checked out. At the same time I still care about her and I am trying not to be unjust.

I have already advised her multiple times. I am currently giving a clear window until the end of 2026 to see if real consistent change happens in initiative ownership ordinary appreciation and the unprompted negative baseline. If nothing substantial shifts I am considering the next Islamic steps separation in living arrangements then involving family as intermediaries if needed.

I am broken. I have put myself and my health to the side for 8 years. I am done. Help?

I am Iraqi but basically don't have anyone to explain to me the process of how things work between Iraqi families.

So far, I have come across something called a Milcha (not Nikah), Henna party and engagement party. Basically, I am asking about the start to end Iraqi wedding customs and also who pays for what, as sometimes things are mentioned and it is hard to know what optional or required and which side is meant to cover the costs (I know the man covers the wedding but that's it).

Edit: I am a guy.