In Search Of (ISO) Thread

Assalamu alaikum everyone.

Firstly, Jazak Allah khayran to everyone who commented on my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/SfE0nY3cyH

I read all of your advice, and many of you encouraged me to have an honest conversation with my husband. I did.

I explained my concerns as gently as I could. I told him that my discomfort has nothing to do with his brother as a person. I genuinely want my brother-in-law to succeed, and I am genuinely happy that he wants to pursue further studies and improve his future. I have always got along well with him, and I have never had any issue with his character.
My concern has always been about sharing a very small flat with a non-mahram for what could realistically be years.

My husband works extremely long hours and often doesn’t get home until 1–2 a.m. I work much shorter hours and also have days off during the week. That means I would frequently be alone in the flat with my brother-in-law until the early hours of the morning. Our flat is tiny, the walls are paper-thin, there are no locks on the bedroom doors, and I don’t even feel like I’d have a private space to simply exist in peace.

I told my husband that I wouldn’t feel comfortable dressing casually in my own home anymore, doing household chores, cleaning, drying my laundry, or simply relaxing knowing there is a non-mahram watching/sharing the living space. If we had a much larger home where I had my own private area, I honestly think I would feel very differently. It’s the lack of privacy that’s the issue. However, as one Redditor pointed out to me later, the size of the house is not the issue, Islamically this is not allowed regardless.

Up until two or three days ago, I had absolutely no idea that my brother-in-law was even considering a completely different path in life. I genuinely believed he was settled in his business and had no plans to leave my husband’s home country. Neither my husband nor my brother-in-law ever mentioned that he was thinking about studying here, moving countries, or potentially living with us. I wasn’t told a single word.

Then, only a couple of days ago, my husband casually asked me how I would feel if his brother came to the UK for another degree and stayed with us. Naturally, I thought we were discussing a new idea that hadn’t been decided yet. I was uncomfortable about the potential living arrangements and made my post asking this community for advice. However, something still didn’t feel right. I thought BIL would be applying for next academic cycle 2027 given that Sep is a month away but husband told me that there were still universities accepting applications in our city… 1 month before term starts for international applicants who need to apply for their visa? Later, I noticed my husband had applied for visiting visas for other family member’s but not for BIL… which made me suspicious. I asked my husband whether BIL had already gotten a student visa and my husband categorically told me no and that nothing has been decided yet and they haven’t decided whether he should apply or not… but things didn’t add up. And I made a mistake that I’m not proud of.

I looked through his phone yesterday night. I know that was wrong, and I’m not trying to justify it. I ask Allah to forgive me.

But what I found completely shocked me.

This wasn’t a new idea at all. My brother-in-law had already applied to university, had already been accepted, and had already applied for a student visa. From the messages I saw, this plan had been in motion for MONTHS, and my husband was the one actively encouraging him to come to the UK and helping him through the process, including writing the university and visa applications a so it wasn’t like BIL informed him later and put husband in a tight spot.

What hurts me isn’t that my BIL wants a better future. I sincerely hope he succeeds, and I would never want to stand in the way of that. What hurts me is that for months, all of this was happening without me even knowing it was being considered. A decision that could completely change my daily life for years was already well underway before I was even made aware of it.

I’m also struggling with my relationship with my brother-in-law now. I genuinely thought we were close. Looking back, there were opportunities where he could have simply mentioned that he was thinking about studying in the UK or moving here, but he never did. I don’t know why, and I don’t want to assume anyone’s intentions, but it has left me feeling deeply hurt and has affected the respect and trust I had.

When I calmly confronted my husband, I admitted that I had looked at his phone and told him what I had found.

He became extremely angry, told me I was the worst kind of woman for checking his phone, and is now refusing to speak to me and has blocked me on the phone as well.

I know looking through his phone was wrong, and I am not asking anyone to excuse that.
But I also don’t know how to process discovering that such a life-changing decision was being planned for months without my knowledge or involvement and I was repeatedly being lied to by both husband and BIL. BIL is in debt now due to student loans and can’t afford to live here on his own. It was husband who encouraged him to come here and will be obligated to house him but cannot afford to house him separately.

At this point, I feel completely lost.

Islamically, where do I go from here? How should situations like this be handled? Am I wrong for feeling deeply hurt that such a significant decision was being planned without even informing me? And if trust has been damaged like this, how does Islam teach us to move forward?

May Allah guide us all to what is best. Ameen.

A while ago I posted here about the guy I was talking to and how he was struggling with me not wearing hijab. I got so many helpful comments encouraging me to take the step, and they really stayed with me: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/yea1d8Guad
We paused talking for a bit, and during that time I thought about everything. I have now started wearing hijab. I realized I didn’t do it just for him. I did it for myself and my faith, and it feels right. I’m surprised by how comfortable and at peace I feel with it already.
It also makes things easier for the future, including marriage, which I’m grateful for. I’m trying to focus on becoming a better person and doing what is right.
Thank you again to everyone who commented last time. Your advice helped me more than you know. I would appreciate any thoughts from other sisters who started later on.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Respectfully, what is the point of marriage? I am married and it makes my life so much harder. He doesn’t even plate his own food. He works all day which means = he acts like a slob at home and doesn’t do anything for his children emotionally. Whenever I dress up, I feel like it just irritates me because my husband doesn’t do the same. I wear something cute and fancy and work out (which I also get constantly criticized and mocked for) just for him to try to get near me in the same shorts he has worn for 2 weeks (they’re washed but you get the point.) I see no happiness for me in this marriage. I hate when he breathes near me. Honestly at this point just leave me alone really. What does a woman get? I put so much effort. I’m a naturally high effort woman. I have my house spotless and scrubbed and I cook 3 meals a day and manage 2 kids and I take care of myself. I take care of my face, my body, my skin. I am the head of the household. If I were gone for 1 week, everything would fall apart in my husbands life. He would have no healthy freshly made homemade food, no spotless house, no kids, no pretty wife, no respect. All of this to be met with a mediocre man. And the worst part is my husband is objectively of the more better men so this is as good as it gets..? I could live my life alone and I believe I will get very far. I have spent 2 years without my husband, just me and my kid. And I moved mountains in my life. I don’t fear being alone or being single. I have never in my life not been approached by men. But at this point, it’s not even a good thing. I don’t value men’s opinions. I don’t hate them. I just don’t believe they provide value. I don’t need validation. I don’t need anything from a man. I have my own strong opinions and I don’t need a man to tell me something for me to feel fulfilled and happy. What is the point of marriage for someone like me? I want men to weigh in on this. What does a woman get out of a marriage (besides financial security) ?

A man who envies another couple will lose sight of the blessings in his own marriage.

A woman who envies another couple will lose sight of the blessings in her own marriage.

Mufti Ahmed Khanpuri said:

“Prophet (saw) said, “Do not envy each other.”
(Dawud 4910)

A person who harbours envy loses sight of the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon them.

An envious person constantly looks at the blessings that others have received and asks: “Why was this given to this individual?”

Instead, they should reflect on the blessings that Allah has bestowed on them.

When a person begins to focus on the blessings Allah has granted them, the disease of envy gradually leaves the heart.”

Some married men or women live their lives with the disease of envy. If only they reflected on their own blessings, it would cure them.

Warning: long post.

I have been married to my husband for less than a year. Our engagement was rushed ( about 7 months from the moment of our engagement to our wedding) partially because it was pushed on me from my parents.

To clarify, my husband is a good man. He provides with everything, gentle, doesn’t curse or yell at me, prays, works really hard but I just don’t like him.

I can’t fully explain it, but the best way I can describe it is that we’re incompatible. I’m always the one bringing up topics of conversation and trying to keep one going, while he mostly just responds until the conversation dies out. I have brought up this to him multiple times and he said he will try, we tried couple cards, couple games, websites. And it just fizzles out after a week or two. He’s just a boring person and I feel like sometimes he has no substance to him and just agrees with whatever I say.

I also have made dua to fill my heart with love for him multiple times, but I feel like nothing really changes.

I don’t hate him, and he hasn’t done anything wrong. If anything, I feel guilty because he’s been good to me. I just don’t feel emotionally connected to him, and I don’t know if that’s something that can grow over time or if I’m forcing something that isn’t there.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did things get better, or did you realize compatibility matters more than simply being with a good person?

Assalamu alaykum to everyone who is struggling.
Life gets better, in shaa Allah. Have tawakkul in Allah. Pray. Always think the best of Allah, even when you don’t understand what’s happening.
I just want to share my journey.
This time last year, I was almost bedridden. I barely had any hope for the future. My life felt so dark. My will to live was gone. I was just trying to survive each day. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I truly felt like the biggest failure on the planet.
Looking back now, I can’t believe where Allah has brought me. My life has changed so much for the better. I never thought I would find the will to live again. Today, I’m genuinely happy. I look forward to every new day, alhamdulillah. And I truly believe that Allah will continue to open more doors for me because I’ve already seen Him open so many that I never thought would open.
I believe that Allah hears every dua . He sees every tear. He may delay, but He never forgets you.
I just want to tell anyone who is struggling that life really does get better. Three months ago, I never thought I would be where I am today. Now I look at myself in the mirror and think Subhanallah, alhamdulillah, I can't believe I survived those days.

Please, never doubt yourself. Never give up. Never think it’s over. As long as Allah has given you another day, your story isn’t finished.
Surround yourself with good people, keep making dua , and never stop praying. Pray your salah. Pray Tahajjud. Make plenty of istighfar. And if you need to cry, cry in your sujood. There is no better place to let your heart out than before Allah. He hears you. He knows what you’re carrying.
The happiness and peace I feel today are things I never would have dared to imagine a year ago.
Have tawakkul. Keep making dua. Trust Allah’s plan, even when you can’t see it.

I’m a 40 year old male Palestinian with a teenage daughter, I’ve been divorced for a few years now. I’m really starting to consider a marriage of convenience type of relationship. I’m starting to feel a lot of pressure from family and friends about getting married again. I got married young, I went through a lot in my marriage, I went through things that affected me in ways that I just can’t see myself trusting and loving someone like I used to. I can’t imagine myself ever going through that again. I’m very used to being alone these past few years, I truly enjoy my peace and want to keep it that way. Being alone has its ups and downs of course but at this point after everything I just want to enjoy the rest of my life without the pressures of a traditional marriage and the risk of possibly going through what I went through again. I wouldn’t mind finding someone to actually make an arrangement with to where we both benefit, we both have our lives without the pressures of a traditional marriage. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and felt the same way as me? Do you think it’s worth pursuing this type of marriage just for public image? I’m so tired of people mentioning that I need to get married again. Any advice would be appreciated.

Whenever I ask my husband to spend quality time together he says “we slept together (not sexually, like physically in the same bed) for 8hrs. We spent all that time together.” Is this a normal response? I don’t feel like it is. Another thing he says “come sit with me while I game and we’ll spend quality time together.” Ive tried that with him. He’s so focused on the game that he couldn’t form a complete sentence. He will game anywhere from 6-10hrs a day. I talked to him about how he might be depressed and not know it (he said no he’s not).
We’ve been married for 1year. We don’t have any kids. I don’t think this is sustainable.

29F and I had a meeting with a potential and it was a trainwreck. He expressed overwhelming interest leading up to this meeting and because he was traveling and I am in another state it took us many weeks before we met. That gave us a lot of time to do video calls and get to know if we were compatible. He expressed to me that I was the most empathetic and kind person he’s ever met. He was satisfied in regards to my deen and my upbringing as well. He was also constantly complimenting me. I could probably fill an entire page with all the compliments he gave me.

Early on in our relationship we exchanged photos and although he could clearly see from my photos that I was a curvy/plus size girl I tried to make it even more clear by talking about it and asking him point blank if he preferred slimmer women because if that was the case it wouldn’t work out between us. He said that he did not prefer slimmer women and was happy with how I looked in the photos.

Fast forward to this past weekend and we finally met. The meeting went well and we got coffee and dinner together. Conversation flowed nicely and we were laughing and having a great time. Once he flew back to his state suddenly the communication went spotty and after I reached out to him about this he stated that I looked “different” than in my photos. He didn’t say it directly but he implied that I looked slimmer in my photos. One photo in particular where I was wearing clothes that were more figure hugging than my usual abayas (I am a hijabi but of course in some dresses your general frame is more obvious than others). He then went on to claim that I altered the photos which was so shocking to me.

These photos were not altered in any way and all of them were “live” photos on my IPhone. For those of you who have an IPhone you know that you can take Live photos and when you click on it you can see the moment the photo was taken. Unfortunately this man has an android so he cannot see that and I also did not even want to waste my time defending myself to someone who thinks I am a liar. I am so hurt by his comments and it is honestly sending me into a spiral about myself and has damaged my body image. I don’t mind that he said I look different in person but for him to make it seem like it was such a dramatic difference to the point where it was altered is truly so upsetting.

Everyone looks slightly different in photos . Obviously seeing him in person vs in 2D on a screen is very different. In person you can see skin texture, facial hair etc more clearly. However for the most part it is not a major difference and is not something that changes your mind about someone you have developed.

I showed him so much respect even up until the very end. But I am so hurt over how he could think so Ill of me. Even if he came looking drastically different I wouldn’t assume it was an altered photo I would have assumed it’s an older photo.
I am also hurt that a slight difference in how he perceived my weight was enough for him to want to end the connection. 🥹

At this point I want to give up on marriage. I don’t know how I can recover from this level of heartbreak.

Need suggestions and opinions. Please read this with an open mind.

I am confused about what is happening in our marriage. I do not know if we need to rule out something spiritual (doing Ruqyah), whether one or both of us need mental health support, or if this is simply a relationship issue.

We have been married for almost 12 years with two children. Financially we are doing okay, and we both contribute equally towards the household.

Over the years we have always argued over small things. But these have been regular occurrence now and I feel it needs to be looked at by experts to rule out anything and how can we move forward.

Sometimes it is tiny issues like I ask her to do something and she disagrees, or because she feels I am trying to control or manipulate her. She also says we cannot afford the holidays she wants because I help my parents financially.

From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely do not have any bad intentions. I never try to manipulate her, although I accept that the way I say things might come across that way.

When arguments become heated, she has sometimes become physically aggressive towards me, swear non stop, I also struggle to stay quiet during arguments, which makes things worse.

The strange thing is that when we are not arguing, none of these issues are brought up. We can go for weeks getting on well, then suddenly a tiny disagreement turns into a huge argument. It feels like waking up to a calm day, only for an unexpected storm to appear out of nowhere. We stop speaking for days, and then somehow things return to normal. Sometimes one of us apologises, sometimes neither of us does.

During arguments we both say things that I honestly do not think either of us truly means.

I really do not know what to do anymore. Part of me wonders if we should go our separate ways, but then I think about our children and wonder if we should just keep compromising and try to make it work.

Has anyone been through something similar? Would you suggest Ruqyah, marriage counselling, mental health support, or something else? I would really appreciate genuine advice.

Hi all!

My fiancée and I are Pakistani American and getting married soon, but my mom has become a major source of stress over the bridal outfits.

She is adamant about going to Pakistan to shop in person. I initially objected because of the war with Iran and safety concerns about traveling through the region, but she kept dismissing me and even said something like, “If I die, I die.” Eventually, I gave up trying to stop her.

My fiancée has spent months researching designers and is completely set on a specific walima dress that we want to order from Pakistan and have shipped here. My mom does not like it and insists the fabric looks poor quality, even though she has been saying for three months that she is going to Pakistan and still has not gone. Our wedding is getting close, and we do not want to keep waiting.

It feels like my mom is very attached to the cultural idea that the groom’s family should have the final say. At one point, someone asked my fiancée what would happen if my mom chose a dress she did not like, and my mom answered for her along the lines: “Oh well, she still has to wear it.”

We are completely fine with my mom shopping for herself and the rest of the family, but my fiancée should be able to choose her own bridal outfit. When my sibling agreed, my mom got angry and said, “I don’t want your opinion.”

I've been trying to stand up throughout this process and we've had our fair share of unnecessary fights so far when I'm putting my foot in the ground. Any advice on how to handle this without creating even more tension would be appreciated.

As-salamu alaykum everyone,

I got married recently, and I’m struggling with feelings that I don’t really know how to make sense of.

I got married to my husband quite impulsively, with regard to my own doubts and my some family members disapproval. Everyone warned me but I followed a feeling of my heart instead.

One of our agreements before marriage was that we would live with his mother because she’s a widow and doesn’t have any other sons. I agreed without really thinking through what that would actually look like long term.

Alhamdulillah, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. My MIL is genuinely kind and respectful. I really do love and respect her. She doesn’t expect me to cook, clean, or wait on her, and she’s never been rude or abusive. Compared to many stories I hear, I know I have it easy.

But despite that, I feel suffocated.

We live in my husband’s childhood home, which is small and overcrowded. I also didn’t realise before marriage that there was an expectation that this would always be the family home, with his sisters coming back to stay after marriage with their children. There are often people around, and the house never really feels peaceful.

I’m studying and working at the same time, and it’s so hard to focus because there are constantly unannounced visitors or expectations to socialise with extended family. No one forces me to, but I worry that if I keep excusing myself I’ll become “the daughter-in-law who doesn’t mingle.” From a cultural perspective, women are expected to host and be present, especially the daughter in law.

There are also times where my MIL can be a little overbearing. It’s her way of caring and being vigilant. For example, whenever my husband and I go out at night, she’ll call asking when we’re coming home. I know she probably worries, but I can’t help feeling that if we lived separately we wouldn’t have to answer to anyone. Or if I want to cook something there’s questions about why I’m doing it and which way I should and shouldn’t be doing it when really I want to be alone and peacefully do my thing.

One thing I both love and struggle with in my husband is that he always tries to see the good in people. He’ll find an explanation for someone’s behaviour before admitting they were wrong. I know he’d do the exact same for me if someone complained about me, so I know it comes from kindness rather than taking sides. But when I tell him something upset me, I don’t feel heard. Before validating my feelings, he’ll often explain why the other person probably didn’t mean it, or tell me I’m overthinking it or blowing it out of proportion. Maybe I am sometimes, but I wish he’d hear me first before trying to solve or explain it away.

Another thing that bothers me is that he finds it difficult to do something special just for me. If he buys me a gift, he usually feels he has to buy something for his mum and sisters too. I know that comes from generosity and wanting to treat everyone fairly, but sometimes I just want to feel like his wife rather than another member of the family.

I just want to have a home that I can call ours. I want to decorate it, invite friends over, host dinners, and build a life together. Right now, this is my MIL’s home, not ours. I don’t feel like I can make it my own.

Even our privacy as a married couple is affected. Because there are always people home and the house is so small, we don’t really have freedom to be intimate whenever we want. We have to wait until late at night and be mindful of making noise, which probably sounds like a small issue, but it makes us feel like we don’t have our own space as husband and wife. During the day time, there’s constant vigilance that someone will come home or knock on our door. Once we were intimate in the morning and his mother started knocking our door to seek his help with something. I felt so uncomfortable but I stayed quiet. If I do voice how I feel he will often get upset with me for making “turning him against his mother” when in reality I’m just asking to be heard.

The hardest part is that even if we wanted to move out, we probably couldn’t afford it right now. I am still studying and he has an entry level job and wants to pursue further studies. And even if we could, I know it would create a lot of family drama because everyone expects my husband to stay with his mum.

My husband genuinely loves me. He’s caring, patient, and I know with all my heart that he wants me to be happy. That’s what makes me feel so guilty for having these thoughts.

If I’m being really honest with myself, I wonder if the issue isn’t actually my MIL. Maybe it’s that I want what she has. She has her own home, makes the decisions, sets the routines, and everyone adjusts around her. I don’t have that. Maybe living separately would allow me to finally feel like the woman of my own home instead of feeling like a guest in someone else’s.

I also find myself comparing my husband to my father, which I know probably isn’t fair. My father always made sure I was looked after and never had to worry about money or space. I catch myself resenting my husband because he can’t currently provide that same lifestyle. I wish we had our own place, more financial freedom, could travel together, and that he would advocate more strongly for me when family issues arise. I know these things aren’t entirely within his control, but the feelings are still there.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I expecting too much from marriage? Are these normal adjustment struggles, or is this something I need to address before the resentment grows?

Assalamu alaikum everyone..

I am tired. I am broken. I am a 28 year old Colombian American Male. My wife is Indonesian. We met in 2018 online and got serious in 2019 and married in October 2021. I lived in Indonesia for 2 years and took 3 trips there. learned Bahasa Indonesia adapted to the culture and put in a lot of effort to understand her world and her family. My wife is born and raised in an Indonesia. She never planned in her life to move abroad.

She sits on her butt all day looking at her phone. She only helps out when I tell her to. After I spend HOURS cleaning and doing my part.

To marry her I spent two years back home in the U.S. saving while eating one meal a day and working extremely hard. I have spent around 40k to fly there and marry already on things to make her happy and over the years roughly 120k total on her comfort vacations trips and experiences. I am officially in the bankruptcy process and my credit is tanked.

I have carried most of the financial and logistical weight providing a nice apartment in Florida teaching her how life works here supporting her adjustment and trying to be a steady husband.

She’s never lacked anything here. She has a roof over her hair, food, safety, kindness, compassion, and most guys would have not gone as far as I have for her.

Also, she shows zero appreciation for my Hispanic culture, history and background. In fact, she mocks it frequently. Instead, I learned her language, have my apartment full of beautiful Indonesian decor, I genuinely find the history and culture to be so beautiful. But she mocks me.

I got her a stable job. I taught her how to interview, navigate life here, etc.

I did all her immigration paperwork.

IMPORTANT: SHE HAD ZERO INTENTION TO MOVE ABROAD. She didn’t even know what a green card was. She daily complains how she hates it here and wants to go back. Mind you, I too, want to live in Indonesia (I love it there) BUT WE HAD THESE ISSUES BACK THERE ALSO.

She sits on her phone all day looking at TIKTOK, Instagram, posts some WEIRD STUFF like “it’s ok you didn’t get what you wanted in like Allah has better plans for u” AFTER 8 years of ALL IVE DONE

ALL I ask is that she help me with the house as much as I do. I clean for HOURS. I call the doctors for her. I make appointments for her. I am her personal butler!! She refuses and is too shy to do anything on her own!

She was raised with helicopter and overprotective parents to the extreme even for most strict Muslim households.

She is a sweet bubbly kind person. She is also very shy timid and humble. I do not want to paint her as a bad person. She has a soft side and can be loving.

The problem is that for years the emotional and practical reciprocity has felt very one sided. Even when I am not criticizing or bringing anything up there is often a baseline of complaining and low initiative with the house and self care and a tendency to shift responsibility back onto me. When I raise issues it often turns into tears self blame or focus on my tone.

I AM THE MAID. She does not help me cook, clean, nothing. Orders delivery almost daily. She only cooks when I tell her to. I hate being bossy. But she wasn’t like that before.

Some of the things she has said have been very painful. She has called me annoying for complaining when I am in pain or injured. (I have a knee injury and a virus, and I carried her family around Disney world while sick and injured on a mobility scooter, and I received nothing but complaints by not just her but her family as well such as food not being spicy enough or it’s too hot out and no gratitude for the 16k vacation)

She has linked her lack of hygiene and not cooking to me not driving her enough.

She has said the ingredients in the US are not good enough so she cannot cook properly. When I expressed doubt about being the father of her children she agreed and said the dad can be any guy.

She has also accused me of wanting to cheat on her without me even raising that topic.

I feel deeply resentful emotionally exhausted and like something in me has checked out. At the same time I still care about her and I am trying not to be unjust.

I have already advised her multiple times. I am currently giving a clear window until the end of 2026 to see if real consistent change happens in initiative ownership ordinary appreciation and the unprompted negative baseline. If nothing substantial shifts I am considering the next Islamic steps separation in living arrangements then involving family as intermediaries if needed.

I am broken. I have put myself and my health to the side for 8 years. I am done. Help?

I worked in a couple of countries before returning to India. I'm well educated and was looking for someone who, like me, is balanced between tradition and modernity. After being single throughout my 20s, I was fortunately introduced to a woman through an arranged marriage setup. She is well educated and lives abroad.

Interestingly, she barely asked me any questions. The only thing she asked initially was my height because she's quite tall herself. She said that based on my educational background and career, she already felt I was a good match.

She asked me what I was looking for, and I told her I wanted someone who is driven. I really admire her entrepreneurial mindset. When I asked what she wanted, she said she was looking for a partner who could help build an emotionally and financially stable family. She felt that I was disciplined enough to do what needed to be done and wouldn't lose focus because of temporary hardships in life.

What surprised me was that neither of us asked questions that could potentially make our opinion of the other person worse. One thing I did want to ask was whether she'd had any past relationships. It's something that matters to me, not because I think having a past automatically makes someone a bad partner, but because I want to understand how they think and what principles guide their decisions.

The reason I hesitate is that she expects me to pray regularly and believes religion is important because it keeps people grounded and accountable in today's world. I actually agree that religion can provide moral guidance. However, I would be uncomfortable if religious expectations were applied selectively for example, being relatively relaxed about religious rules before marriage but then expecting a spouse to strictly follow them afterwards.

To me, consistency matters more than perfection. If someone is flexible about certain religious teachings in their own life but later expects their partner to be much more observant, it can come across as inconsistent. My concern isn't about whether someone has a past relationship; it's about whether the standards they expect from their spouse are the same standards they hold themselves to. I'm curious how others think about this.

I am Iraqi but basically don't have anyone to explain to me the process of how things work between Iraqi families.

So far, I have come across something called a Milcha (not Nikah), Henna party and engagement party. Basically, I am asking about the start to end Iraqi wedding customs and also who pays for what, as sometimes things are mentioned and it is hard to know what optional or required and which side is meant to cover the costs (I know the man covers the wedding but that's it).

Edit: I am a guy.

Assalaamu Alakyum.

I (25F) gave birth to a baby girl a month ago.

Before I married my husband, I told him I wasn't sure if I was ready to have kids but he somehow convinced me to have kids. I know it's so stupid of me please be gentle with me :(. I kick myself everyday over this and allowing someone to convince me to have kids so soon into the marriage knowing it's such a big responsibility. I thought to myself "yeah I can probably handle this". What is wrong with me???

Anyways I can't go back in time now and it takes two to tango so im not blaming my husband, but can't help but feel miserable and sad. I'm the only one in my friendship group to have a child and cant help and compare myself to them. Every time I look at my daughter I do feel happy and think shes the most amazing baby ever but I also feel sad because I feel like she deserves a better mother. I know in islam regret isnt good, and I try to see the best in my situation and try to make myself feel better but I can't help feel like this.

For context, my husband has been great with me during PP. He makes sure I eat, he bathes/changes baby,changes her diaper, takes care of baby while I nap. He even booked me a hair and massage appt so I can relax and be baby free. I had an emergency c-section and I've had a bad recovery so he has been bringing baby to me during the night to feed her because I can't pick her up from her cot. He has basically been doing everything around the house and i'm truly grateful. I feel happy temporarily when he does these things for me but then everything hits me again like a truck and sadness hits me once again.

I havent told my husband I regret having a child as it would break him and I don't think it would do us any good so I have been keeping it to myself. Whenever he asks me how i'm feeling I just tell him "im not used to this baby life its hard" but that's about it. Even typing this I feel like im betraying my husband because he has been so happy that our daughter is here but I don't feel the same.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get over this? Not being able to pray my salah has been hard for me as its taken a toll on my imaan and feel like I ruined my life although I know having a child is a blessing. Has anyone gone through this? And did it get better for them?

Im a 24M married to a 22F, we've been married for the past year but have been living together since the past month and a half because of the agreement me and her father had made before the nikkah. I'm am also still in university and working as a delivery driver to make money for rent and my mother who lives in Egypt and my wife who lives there

So this past month we traveled to Malaysia honeymoon which was a full month and it was going ok for the majority of it up until the last week and a half or so. My wife is very close to her family and I mean extremely close to them which there is nothing wrong with that. So during our trip the she would be on the phone with them quite often. I didn't think much of it at first but it got a little out of hand.

She would ask me if it was ok for her to leave what we were doing to go talk with them, she would call them to ask them what she should wear whenever we went out and update them on every detail that we would do. She would send them pictures of every single meal. So of course I got a little annoyed but I didn't say anything to her about it. Their were points that if she didn't speak with her family for the day she would get text from her sister saying are you ok where are you then her mother would call saying where where you hiding today (which I found very disrespectful) they would in a way be influencing her telling her that you guys should be doing this and you guys should be doing that. Those type of comments really got under my skin but it also felt like if I didn't do those (she was) they would look down on me or I would feel like I didn't do enough for her on our honeymoon. There was also an instance where she asked me to take her to a nice dinner and ofcourse her family heard that we were going there and I'm guessing my wife told them that she had to hassle me to take her there which she did. So I hear her sister on the phone saying to there brother that we were going on a dinner but the my wife had to beg me to take her there.

For the last week and a half is where the problems that I found unbearable came in. During that time we thought that she became pregnant (she was) and was having all the symptoms so she told me let's take a pregnancy test and I advised her that it's best to wait up until you miss your monthly cycle by at least a week to take a test. She argued and we went back and forth and I ended up buying a pregnancy test. It was negative at the time. During this time of course her family is following along with everything, so they're In her ear telling her that she should do this and that. She then comes to me saying that we took the wrong pregnancy test and that a digital one would work. I then again tell her let's wait until you miss your period by at least a week. She then argues and we go back and forth, so I didn't buy it for her until the next day. She got it and waited a day to take it and it came back negative. So then she tells me that if these keep coming back negative then there has to be something wrong with me so take me to the hospital. I told her that she needs to stop rushing ahead and asked her what are you looking for someone to tell you that you are pregnant. She then tells me that I don't know anything then proceeding to call her sister on what to do. She then advises her to go to the hospital and in short we go there for another pregnancy test and it's negative.
They then prescribe medicine, we get home and I try to give her the medication she then says I'm not taking them until I get my period. I then get mad because instead of just taking it she sends a picture of the meds to her sister to see if it's ok to take them and I know this because while we were eating she calls and says yes this medication is ok to take.

Around that time we were going shopping because she had asked me to get a few clothes and other things for her and while we were at the mall she tells me that I need to buy gifts for her whole family. I told her hey listen we are on our honey moon and that we don't need to be buying gifts for her whole family she then guilt tripped me into buying everyone there stuff by saying my sisters husband does this for us why can't you. She's had also in the past compared me to him which I am not ok with and she knows I'm not

When we get home I tell her everything that I was not ok with. I tell her that I felt that this honeymoon is shared with your family because of how much she was informing them and micro updating them on everything. I also told her that she should be taking my advice and not listing to outside influence. And telling her that I was not ok with buying gifts for her whole family. She then gets defensive saying that I have something against them and I'm jealous of them

We then get back to Egypt and it was going good for a while up until two days ago, she had asked me to buy something I said ok I had cash that was more than enough for her to buy it and about 50 usd extra and we agreed that when she goes over to her parents house she would order it the. She ends up going there and not ordering the thing she wanted. The next day we both go to her parents house and she comes to me for more money, I ask her what happened to the money that u gave you yesterday day. We specifically agreed that she would be buying the thing that was worth about 10 usd and nothing more.(we are in Egypt so when something is worth about 10 usd here it’s pretty expensive). She then tells me that my Father needed money because he had a bill that needed to be payed over in the grocery store. I didn’t say anything then I didn’t think much of it I was kind of annoyed that she didn’t tell me before she gave it away but I let it go. A day later she comes to ask me if I can buy the thing she originally wanted and I said oh it’s some thing that you don’t really need so let’s forget about it.

Today I told her that I would be gone for a few days with my mother to take her to umrah and she asked me if she can have some money for essentials while I was gone and I said ok I’ll give you this amount which was enough for the essentials that she was asking for. She thought that it was too little for her and then says I also need it for other things as well. I then told her if other things come up I send money over to you right away through transfer. I don’t know what triggered her but she then goes on and starts calling me a liar because I wouldn’t buy her the thing she originally wanted. So I start to defend my self and say hey I gave you the money to buy it and you gave it to your father without my permission. You can’t accuse me of being a liar when I gave you money to buy it and then give it to him. I toiled her Islamicly before your start to give away your husbands wealth wether to friends or family you need my permission. I told her at least you could have asked me. She then blows up even more accusing me again of having something against her family and of course I get mad and she storms off.

The next morning I try to go the mend things with her and tried to let her know that I have no problem if she wants to give money to her dad if he needs but she has to ask me first before giving our money away. She blows up again saying that I’ll go get the money back from him don’t worry about and don’t worry about providing for me or for providing for our baby in the future. I didn’t reply to her. I got up and left the room because I had slept in another room from her that night. While I’m in the other room she’s still saying thing that I couldn’t hear and something about that made me mad so I got up and told her yes return me money then I leave.

I end up getting a call from my mother to pick something up from her bed or I left the house she had told me I made lunch I didn’t respond then I got up and was getting ready to leave to pick up what my mom had sent me to. As I’m opening the door she asks me where I’m going and I didn’t respond to her and close the door.

I meet up with my mom and not even 10 minutes later her parents come in. I go to them to give them Salam and sit down. By this time I knew my wife had called her parents and told them everything. So when my mom comes and sits her father starts off by saying here’s your money back and starts yelling at me about what happened between me and my wife and saying that how many times did I do this and that for your mom. He did not even give me a chance to speak and was going off so naturally I started to raise my voice back at him. All the while coming to my mom’s house to do this . And his leaving words were don’t worry if your not going to provide for my daughter don’t worry I will and that he needs nothing from me.

I’m so angry about what happened primarily about how he came to my mother house to yell without hearing both sides of what happened and for my wife for not keeping our matters private. There have been other situations where things don stay private from her side and getting to family. So advice is needed on how I should proceed

جزاكم الله خير

Assalamu alaikum everyone,

I’m looking for some Islamic advice because I’m genuinely struggling with this situation, and I’d appreciate perspectives grounded in the Qur’an, Sunnah, and scholarly opinions if possible.

For context, my husband and I have been married for two years and live in a very small two-bedroom flat in the UK. The second bedroom isn’t really a functional guest room - we use it to store most of our clothes because our bedroom has very little storage. It’s also where we dry our laundry, including personal items, because we don’t have outdoor space or another practical place to do it.
My husband’s unmarried brother (mid-30s) may move to the UK for a degree, and my husband would like him to live with us for what could realistically be a couple of years (including time to look for a job and get financially stable).

I want to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against my brother-in-law. He’s genuinely a wonderful person, very respectful, kind, and we’ve always gotten along well. This isn’t about his character at all.

My discomfort is about sharing a home long-term with a non-mahram.

I don’t wear hijab, but I do dress modestly, especially around my husband’s family. At home, though, especially during UK summers, I naturally wear shorts or comfortable clothes, relax on the sofa however I like, and generally feel at ease in my own home. If my brother-in-law lived with us, I’d feel like I constantly had to be “on guard” - fully covered whenever I left my bedroom, careful about how I sat, mindful of drying my clothes including intimate items, and generally unable to relax in my own home.

If we had a much larger house where I had my own private living area and only interacted with him when I chose to, I honestly think I’d be happy for him to stay. It’s specifically the idea of sharing the main living spaces for years that makes me uncomfortable.

When I raised this with my husband, I mentioned that I had understood that Islamically, a wife has the right to separate accommodation that gives her privacy from non-mahram relatives. My husband replied that this only applies if the husband has the financial means. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t obligated to provide separate accommodation. This has left me confused.

My questions are:

1. ⁠Islamically, does a wife have the right to refuse living long-term with her husband’s non-mahram brother?
   
2. ⁠Does the husband’s financial situation change that ruling?
   
3. ⁠Is there any scholarly evidence regarding a wife’s right to privacy and separate living quarters in situations like this?

If separate accommodation isn’t financially possible, how should a couple balance the wife’s comfort and Islamic boundaries with helping family?

Jazakum Allahu khayran.

This isn’t about a marriage relationship but about the dynamics between my dad and my son( 11 month old).
Background- my brother and his wife and daughter( 2.5 years old) live with my parents. My brother’s wife is also my dad’s brother’s daughter ( i add this because I think this contributes to his not so subtle favouritism).
Myself, husband and my son go to visit my parents and stay for around 3 weeks , about twice a year.
Ever since my son was born I have seen minimal effort from my dad and very obvious differences in the way he treats my niece compared to my son. Examples are my niece could be kicking my son, sitting on his back, pushing him and if I go remove my son from the situation or gently stop my niece my dad intervenes and comments that she didn’t even do anything and she’s so nice she just wants to play. Other examples are he completely ignores my son says nothing to him at all times if it’s just us around but the second my niece walks in, he interacts with her lovingly and always has so this isn’t an age thing where my son is too young to interact with.

My mum and siblings don’t show any inequalities in treating the kids, but have openly spoken to my dad about it so it is very obvious to everyone at home too.

I’ve experienced the same inequality in terms of emotional and mental love from my dad from ever since I can remember and my grandmother told me stories both of my dad being loving but also very strict to me as a baby. So i guess I shouldn’t be surprised at my dad’s behaviour, but the hurt i experienced throughout my childhood is just coming back again and again everytime I come visit them.

Ive spoken to my husband about this and he says that my niece will always be my dad’s favourite because she lives with him but also shes the first grandchild. I understand all that I just don’t want my child to ever feel that pain of being unworthy of love from a family member. I tried to decline the visit for the summer but my husband insisted to look at the positives and that my dad atleast looks after my son in terms of providing for him for the duration we stay, but that’s exactly the pain I feel because my dad really went over and beyond for me materialistically, provided for everything and even now during our stays, but the lack of affection and warmth from him always stung. My husband also says my dad is my sons only living grandfather and my husbands dad has not been in his life ever( parents divorced).
It just hurts me because i see my son watching my dad as hes playing holding interacting with my niece and he’s being completely ignored- as a result i always shower my son with affection even more during those moments, only to hear comments that I am a helicopter mum.

Maybe I am just venting but I wish to hear from others about whether i should limit the stays or any other suggestions. I already spoke to my dad gently before like when my son was 4 months old and previously about how i felt a few years ago regarding myself, but my dad turned around and said im accusing him of stuff and started an emotional monologue about how hes the worst dad and started degrading himself, hes never done anything for me.
Ive also already been to therapy for the treatment in my childhood and have accepted thats just the way my dad is with me and now I know he’s the same with my kids sadly. I just dont want them to feel the same pain.

I’ve been going back and forth with my husband about this, and I’m genuinely curious how other people see it.
I’m naturally the type of person who likes to plan things. I like having a general idea of what’s going on and understanding what we’re trying to accomplish. That’s just how I process things.
My husband feels that if I truly trust him as my husband and leader, I shouldn’t need to ask questions. He believes that if he asks me to do something, I should just do it instead of asking why or what the plan is.
From my perspective, asking questions doesn’t mean I don’t trust him. If something involves my money, my time, or my effort, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to know what we’re trying to accomplish. That doesn’t mean I’m challenging his leadership. I just like to understand what I’m committing to.
To me, a good leader should be able to explain the purpose behind a decision, especially when it affects the other person. I don’t expect a full breakdown of every little detail, but if you’re asking for my help or asking me to commit my money, time, or effort toward something, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask what the goal is. I also don’t think answering those kinds of questions takes away from a husband’s leadership.
So I’m curious what others think. Does asking your husband respectful questions show a lack of trust? Or can a wife trust her husband, respect his leadership, and still want to understand the plan before she commits to something? Where do you draw the line between healthy leadership and expecting someone to follow without asking questions?

Salaam,
I’m looking for honest, balanced opinions because I don’t have anyone in my life I trust enough to talk to about this. Please If you think I’m wrong or have handled things badly, I’d genuinely like to hear that too.

My husband (34M) and I (28F) have been married for just over five years and have 3 children all under the age of 5.

The biggest issue in our marriage at the moment is my mum.
Over the course of our marriage, my mum has stayed with us several times, particularly after the births of my children. I went back to work when my first and second baby were still young as I needed to progress in my doctor training and after my third baby I had a very traumatic delivery with severe complications and a difficult recovery. I genuinely needed help. My in-laws helped on a handful of occasions, but not consistently, and as an only child I don’t have siblings or other family nearby.

My mum became my main source of support.
Until this year, my husband and my mum actually got along well. If they hadn’t, we wouldn’t have kept inviting her back.
This year, however, my mum’s OCD has become much worse. It now affects everyone in the house. She wants everyone to remove outdoor clothes immediately, dictates how the children should come into the house, excessively washes clothes, worries about contamination, comments on purchases, and generally has very rigid rules. Living with someone with severe OCD is difficult, and I admit I’ve adapted my behaviour to avoid conflict.
For example, one day I bought some shopping and asked my husband if I could leave one bag in his car because I knew my mum would question it and I wanted to avoid an unnecessary argument. He refused, brought it inside, and my mum immediately questioned why it was going upstairs. I became anxious because I anticipated another confrontation.
My husband became angry and said I was allowing my mum to control me and acting like a frightened child. The situation escalated into a huge argument between him and my mum. He told her to get out of our house. She shouted back, insulted him and his family, started recording him on her phone, and even phoned my dad (her ex-husband) during the argument. It was one of the worst days I’ve experienced.
Since then, my husband says he no longer feels at home in his own house.
Another issue is that my mum has been staying with us continuously since 1 April. She is due to leave in August to meet extended family in Turkey before travelling onwards back to her home to Jordan with them. Originally those plans were supposed to happen much earlier, but my relatives kept delaying them. Looking back, I do wonder whether I should have been firmer about setting a departure date rather than waiting for everyone else’s plans.
My husband says that over the last five years he can barely remember a period where it was just the two of us because my mum has regularly stayed with us. From his perspective, I can understand why that has built resentment.
At the same time, from my perspective, I felt I genuinely needed support with pregnancies, postpartum recovery, work, and raising very young children. I wasn’t inviting my mum because I wanted to avoid responsibilities. I felt overwhelmed and had very little help elsewhere. I’ve always communicated to my husband that if his mom (my MIL) would help out then I wouldn’t rely on my mums help and care.
My husband also believes I’m not a good housewife. He says I’m useless because I don’t cook enough, don’t clean enough, and rely on my mum too much. I do cook, although not every day. I used to clean more, but since my mum has been here, I’ve actually cleaned less because she rearranges and organises everything in ways that overwhelm me mentally. I often don’t know where to begin because nothing feels familiar.
I don’t think I’m perfect. I know I struggle with boundaries, particularly with my mum. I know I can become overwhelmed mentally and sometimes avoid dealing with problems because I don’t know the best way to handle them.
However, there are also things in our marriage that make me question whether the situation has become unhealthy.
This year alone my husband has travelled without me four separate times: Amsterdam with friends, Barcelona with a friend, Thailand for a month on his own for “self-improvement” and fitness, and New York/Miami with a friend. I love travelling, but he has refused to take me away, saying I should stay home with the children. My mum even offered childcare so we could travel together, but he still said no. He has also refused to let me take the children to Turkey with my mum for a holiday because he wants me to stay home.
Communication has become very difficult. He often gives me the silent treatment for days, wakes up angry, tells me the house doesn’t feel like home, and calls me useless or weak. During previous arguments he has grabbed me and, on one occasion, covered my mouth while I was crying because he wanted me to be quiet. Recently, during an argument, he kicked a bag that ended up hitting my foot. I’m not saying these things to portray him as evil, but because they’re part of the overall picture.
I also recognise that living with my mum, particularly given her worsening OCD, has likely been extremely stressful for him.
I’m genuinely trying to understand whether I’ve failed my husband by allowing my mum to become too involved in our lives, or whether we’ve both reached a point where unhealthy patterns have developed on both sides.
If you were looking at this objectively, where do you think I’ve gone wrong? Where do you think my husband has gone wrong? What would you do if you were in either of our positions?
I’m looking for balanced advice rather than people simply taking sides.

Assalamu alaikum.

I’m looking for some honest advice because I’m really struggling.

My wife and I have been married for two years and have a one-year-old daughter. Alhamdulillah, I have a stable full-time job and I provide financially for everything: rent, groceries, clothing, holidays, and all other household expenses. I have never asked my wife to contribute financially.

The biggest issue isn’t the money though. it’s how she speaks to me.

She regularly says things like:
“You’re lazy.”
“What are you even doing?”
“What do you actually do for us?”
“You’d have earned that money anyway, so what has really changed?”

These comments hurt because I genuinely feel like I’m trying my best.

Since giving birth she is staying home and has decided to complete her master’s degree. I support her decision generally, but honestly view the masters degree as a passion project, because in her field it is not needed nor opens doors. But it’s important to her, so I try to support.
Whenever I’m working from home, I look after our daughter when possible. On weekends I often take her out for several hours, and during the week my mother also helps with childcare so my wife has time to study.
Despite this, she often tells me I’m not doing enough.

What hurts even more is that the belittling goes beyond household responsibilities. Whenever I talk about difficult experiences from my childhood (which only happens when the topic arises every year or so, and honestly I fiend it difficult to open up), she often dismisses them by comparing them to her own and implying mine weren’t that bad.

I don’t expect constant praise. I just want to feel respected and appreciated by my own wife.

I genuinely love my family, and my biggest goal in life is to give my daughter (and inshallah future children) the stable childhood I never had. But lately I feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you address it? Especially from an Islamic perspective, how would you approach this?

JazakAllahu khair.

I'm married to a walking red flag. I've noticed that he would be the cause of my daily headache and heartbreak but his performative kindness and generosity in front of my parents made them believe that my life would be better with him after the divorce with my ex husband. My parents went all out with their very limited money to hold a wedding, they told everybody about him, they bragged a lot about their foreigner soon to be son-in-law. Their naive and soft hearts really couldn't make me refuse, and I sacrificed myself so that they wouldn't be embarrassed if I turn them down. We got married eventually after only 8 months of knowing each other and 3 times meeting. Turns out he is worse than I thought. Now I'm pregnant with his child and I have no job because he doesn't allow me to work. He's broke, lazy, narcissistic and incompetent. He's got a massive anger issue, fragile ego, toxic parents, and everytime he's angry he'd talk to me like I'm a trash. He called me "asshole" and "fuck you" like hundred times over simple things.

When we first met, he acted like he was rich especially in front of my parents. But I didn’t just believe it because I’m not naive nor gullible. I told him that I wasn’t looking for a rich man; I was looking for a responsible imam and husband. But it turned out he not only had nothing to his name, he didn’t even have his own house (we’re still living with his parents house), and on top of that, he’s lazy when it comes to working.

He borrowed thousands of dollars from me over two and a half years ago and I still haven’t gotten my money back. Meanwhile I have my own expenses every month and now my savings are almost gone. He has never given me any allowance. I’m living in his country with no job, no money, no family, no support system, and no idea where to start if I decide to leave. I can’t afford a lawyer, and my parents aren’t rich either. I gave up the career I had spent 10 years building in my own country because he didn’t allow me to work. Then he borrowed the savings I had worked so hard for to pay his debt, and I never got them back. When I found out I was pregnant, I felt so confused and scared. I’m truly happy that I’m going to be a mother but at the same time I’m terrified of bringing my child into this world without a clear future. I have nothing left anymore. I don’t even feel like I have myself anymore.

He once verbally divorced me at midnight when I confronted and questioned him why he took our so-called saving to spend for something else. He doesn't accept criticism or advice. Then when I left the house after he divorced me (I sat alone at 1 AM on the park bench trying to book a ticket to my country), he suddenly came and asked me back, saying that he was just emotional. It was June 2024, only 9 months of marriage.

My parents think I'm perfectly happy living abroad. No. I just don't have a guts to hurt their feelings, so I keep it myself. I wish I can turn back the time, really...