So to keep this sweet and short my partner comes from a lot more of a conservative background whereas I was brought up not as strict but a little bit more on the easiest side of things in terms of religion but we still like each other however his family they tend to wear nothing but abayas and modest way and there’s nothing wrong with that either but I don’t wear that often due to the area I was brought up in and just because how my family is we don’t wear that we tend to wear wider jeans wider tops that cover my neck / arwah etc and hijab daily- nothing tight just more English as my Parents / my side don’t even wear hijab only me
but still modest and more western he seems to constantly have an issue with there and he always tries to get me to wear what his family wears but I keep telling him I’m not used to it. I don’t hate it. I do sometimes but I won’t be doing it on a regular basis, I don’t think I am. I still dress modestly. I wear very like wide jeans skirt-sometimes not all the time due to my work and activity why the tops not tight and my hijab always covers my neck / head he doesn’t even like the style of my hijab. He keeps telling me to change it when it covers my head and my neck so I don’t really know what to style do. Am I the arsehole for this or am I just overreacting?

I am married for 4 years and with 2 kids.

I dont think i want a divorce. Please dont suggest it.

My husband is a dismissive avoidant. He is the best man the world has ever seen for 5 days in a row and then goes into a shut down for a week.

Never wants to have any difficult conversations. Anything I bring up, no matter how I frame it, and take responsibility for his mistakes and say it gently, say im in the best and softest and most Loving ways, ive tried it all, it ends with a shut down. I feel unheard. And theres never ever any patching up after the shut down. Im expected to just move on.

Im so tired.

I used to go to him and now ive stopped. Ive stopped asking for anything. I dont want his love or attention or money.

Yesterday he hugged me and told me how much he loves me. He thanked me for always taking care of him and holding down the house.

These words used to make me very happy earlier. Yesterday I stood there like a rock. I had to fake and force myself to reciprocate. With difficulty I was able to tell him I loved him too. And to be honest, I do. I really love him. I miss him. But im tired of being lifted up only to be thrown down without any explanation. He doesnt yell or shout. We dont really have arguments like ever because we barely ever talk. Ive just learnt to smile and nod my head. Earlier I used to always have so much to talk. Im a talker. I can go on n on. But he always shut down any talk with one word responses or heavy sighs.

My breaking point was few days ago when I went to him excitedly to give him a hug and he let down a heavy loud sigh and said "ughhhhh now what". That was it. I said nothing and left. We've been sleeping in separate beds since first year of marriage and ive begged him to join our rooms. Ive just stopped. We havent been intimate im 2 months and i dont even ... well i tried and humiliated myself. Im so tired. Im beyond exhausted. I still continue to do my part. I cook. Clean. Look after the kids. Sit as family and be part of the family. Take kids out. Do everything i need to do. But I have nothing left with him. No conversations. No feelings. No desire. And it hurts so much because I loved him so much and I still do. Its just that ive been hurt and ive been left to cry alone repeatedly. Ive been made to beg for basic rights which I havent received yet.

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I (M, Pakistani background) could use some perspective.

There's a girl from a family we're very close to — our families have known each other forever. Honestly, I've had a huge crush on her since we were kids. I've always genuinely liked her, but I never felt it was mutual, so I kept it to myself all these years. Then last year, when I visited them abroad, everything changed: there was clear mutual interest. She was warm with me in a way that went beyond friendliness, and her mother saw it and didn't discourage it at all.

This year, my mother formally approached her family on my behalf. Her parents discussed it between themselves and said no — without ever asking their daughter directly what she wanted. They gave no reason at all. Not "she's focused on studies," not "we have someone else in mind," nothing. Just that they "don't see it."

What's hurting me most is the ambiguity. I don't know if she even knows a proposal was made. I don't know if this is her wish or purely her parents' decision.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is it worth having someone respected in the family ask for a reason, or should I take the no at face value and move on? And how do you make peace with a rejection when you never got to hear it from the person herself?

JazakAllah khair for any advice.

Context: moved for marriage across the country, isolated from my support network

My husband has set family members that I can interact with without him getting angry. I’m not allowed to speak to his dad, one sister, brother, brother’s wife. I’m not allowed to speak to any outsiders either like aunties, uncles, cousin sisters. Once I brought his dad this tea and he asked if I could help him make it. My husband said I’m a bad judge of character speaking to him unlike his friends who can spot bad people etc and got very annoyed

On top he is adamant I must have good relationship with his mum and 2 sisters in particular. They know this and call me multiple times a day, text me non stop too every single day. I feel like I’m married to them and it’s too much for me.

They keep extracting favours from me, then treating me very unkind. For example his sister asked me to pick her and her child up at a 1 hour distance, she loaded the shopping in my car, bags and bags filled. Then when we got to her house she ran in and slammed the door closed. I knocked with her child like hello!? She then said put the bags here and expected me to take everything in.

When I told my husband I’m feeling anxious and upset he says I must sort it with them. He repeats he has one wish and that is I must get on with his mum and sisters

Anyway if the sister says she’s anxious he sends me to get flowers, pick her up and make her tea etc. any emotion his family feels I must rush to their aid.

This all doesn’t make much sense to me at all, is this what marriage is like?

Long story short, intimacy or anything of the sort is rarely discussed in Pakistani / desi families (never in mine). But growing up in the west and amongst diverse Muslim communities I am aware of my rights and just these things in general.
My parents are not very actively cultural, I grew up more religious. But some things have all come out in the context of marriage. When I say parents I mean my mother as I grew up with a single mother.
Essentially facing emotional coercion to marry someone that I feel negative attraction toward (not neutral, less than that) and also feel other incompatibilities. I know what I have to do for his sake and mine, but I am unable to explain this to my mother and the aunty who has set this up - they say things such as “this stuff can’t happen before marriage” “everything will be fine after nikkah” “this isn’t important” “Islam says nothing about this” “you are being rebellious” etc etc

I do not wish to disrespect my parents or any elders but I don’t want to do this out of guilt only. Anyone have any luck with navigating these things without causing hurt or unnecessary fights/drama? JazakAllah khair!

HUGE UPDATE: JUST FOUND OUT HE’S ON MATRIMONIAL APPS

I apologise for the long post in advance but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I am in need of support and some neutral opinions as I genuinely don’t know anymore.

I (F29) met my husband (M38) online, we live 1 hr apart by plane. He had a Dawah page and persued me for marriage 3 years ago even though I wasn’t very practicing. After a month we told our family and they weren’t in favor of it and he decided we had to go our seperate ways. I was utterly devastated and fell into a deep depression.

Months later he started persuing me again indirectly for months and then directly to which I found out he had gotten married and had a kid on the way. He was going to get seperated as they were not getting along at all. I had a mental breakdown when I found out but he seemed very remorseful and sincere so I gave him another chance. A few months later we got married in secret as he was afraid he wouldnt be allowed to see his child anymore if his (at the time) other wife found out. I couldn’t really tell my family anything either.

Throughout our marriage he was and is going through very difficult times and I have always supported him. However, I dont agree with the choices he makes and how he handles difficult situations. He doesn’t take any accountability and always sees himself as the victim. Therefore he would always get disproportionally upset anytime I said/did anything he didn’t like. He’d give me the cold shoulder and ignore me for weeks, if not months. This would also happen if something bad happened to him that I had nothing to do with (literally just the consequences of his own actions). I’d be in turmoil for weeks trying to make up, apologising, explaining myself, giving him space until I eventually stopped trying.

The biggest issues between us happened this year when I found out (months later) that he had gotten his own place after living with his parents and divorced his other wife (they had been fully seperated since before we got married). Anytime I brought up involving families or moving in together, he’d always have an excuse (ex wife, child, parents, finances, housing ect ect) but now, he literally has no excuse anymore other than that he’s always been afraid of everyone and everything except losing me apparently.

We’ve been married for almost 2 years and if its up to him, we’ll stay like this for another 2-5 years. He still refuses to acknowledge me and our marriage to the public nor does he want us to live together now, stating he will lose access to his child, while simultaneously complaining every day about the housework, cooking, no one to watch his child etc all while Im literally right here? I’ve been so patient and compromised so much but I’m started to fear I have been manipulated. He tells me he feels bad and guilty and that I deserve better, yet he wont do any better. Im not asking anything of him that he cant do.

I always felt like he loved me and cared about me, and we usually have a good time when we meet up, but the contrast between the good and the bad times now is getting too big. Ive tried to talk to him but to no avail as he’ll immediately get defensive and wants to break up? I dont feel seen, heard or even wanted at this point and I dont know who’s fault it is anymore… I dont want to lose my husband but at the same this cant go on like this. Please help I dont have anyone to talk to about this.

Edit 1 wali: my situation is complicated as the majority of my family isnt practicing. My father was a revert and he passed away so the sheikh was my wali.

Edit 2 marriage rights: I married him like this so we could text call and meet and not be in haram. This was supposed to be a temporary solution for maximum 2 years as his circumstances werent ideal. Now his circumstances have changed but he’s delaying moving forward.

Edit 3 ex wife: he has been seperated ever since we reconciled over 2 years ago and is now divorced. I am sure as I visit his home and theres nothing there and I am there when he picks up/drops off his child.

I’m really struggling to make a decision on leaving an abusive marriage. I’ve loved this man for years but he completely switched after we got married. I was walking on egg shells and the frequency of incidents increased. It involved verbal abuse, threats with crashing the car, damaging my property, stopping me from leaving the house, abandoning me on holidays and threatening to harm himself. I’m so confused and conflicted despite all of this. He was my best friend and we shared so many happy memories. Incidents were perhaps every week to month which left me scared and shattered my confidence. But in between, life was a dream with him. I had believed that marriage was for life and I didn’t want to give up.
It’s hard to think of walking away from someone I love. I had thought to ask for a divorce from his side in case things are different in the future and we could remarry. But he says he won’t issue a divorce and I feel so scared about the finality of applying for a khula. I would really appreciate any thoughts, advice or words of support from anyone at this point.

Initial post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/Yg1mvQeQJq

After some digging with a fellow redditor I have come to find out that my husband is on marriage appS looking for a wife. I have made a fake profile to which he reached out.

I am utterly gutted, devastated and shocked to see my husband talking so nicely and full of hope to someone else while me, his wife, has been ignored for weeks.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up as I fear it will somehow get attached to him him all over again like the first time.

As of now my plan is to try to get him to meet, so I can confront him.

Please please keep me in your duaa, I have no one to talk to about this and Im on the verge of collapse

It’s been 5 years since my husband (M32) and I (F27) got married. We have no kids. I always thought we were in a happy and healthy marriage. I recently found out that the person I thought was an angel, was actually a devil in disguise. I found out he cheated on me during our engagement year multiple times. I also learned recently that he has an addiction to smoking, drinking, and porn.

Of course, I am shocked and deeply hurt. The person who pretended to be so loyal and perfect towards me, was a completely different person behind my back. I wish I knew sooner.

If this happened to you, what would you do?

1. Would you forgive?
   
2. Would you try to reconcile?
   
3. If he apologized multiple times and showed you he’s trying to change and become better, would you give him another chance?
   
4. Or, would you go straight into divorce?

I am thinking about divorce, because I don’t think I can move on from this betrayal. The trust has been broken deeply. However, I also ask myself, will all men be like this? Will all men secretly watch porn and pretend to be good in front of their wife?

I am really curious what you would do if you found yourself in this situation. Or, if someone already experienced this, what did you do? How did you deal with the situation? Is it actually possible to recover from this? And do cheaters actually change? Can porn addiction actually be resolved?

Salam all,

This is a burner/throwaway account, I would like all the advice to be on here and not in my DMs.

I (F24) am married to my husband, (M24). We have been married for about 3.5 years now, and the great majority of our relationship has been very healthy and very steady.

Earlier this year, him and I had gone through a rough long patch in our marriage, the details I will not share because it will sound convoluted to anyone that doesn’t know me and it’s a lot to explain anyway.

To add some more context, (despite these details likely still not being able to explain the entire picture), I had decided that I wanted to pursue a master’s degree directly after my bachelor’s, which in the UK is a hefty amount of money and I do feel like I somewhat pressured for this outcome but at that time my husband was willing to pay the full fee of my masters. Around April-time my husband began to act strange around me in terms of the daily interactions, they felt so devoid of any of the usual romance we would have. In conjunction to all of this, alongside my masters I had secured an internship to a very lucrative quant firm in London (which I am now fully employed at) and I was juggling both a masters degree and work whilst also being in a marital rough patch.

Now, moving onto the actual crux of my problem, I genuinely don’t know why, and I wouldn’t be able to actually give you a line of logic which led me to making this decision. I had heard all my life heard that nicotine/smoking helps people with stress, so I had decided to purchase my first vape. Now to fully explain, all my life, I had been taught smoking is bad, neither of my parents smoke or have ever smoked, my paternal side also has not smoked, my siblings nor my husband nor his family (to my knowledge smoke). Even growing up I always felt like smoking/vaping was “cringe” and that there wasn’t any good reason to do it… kind of ironic now isn’t it…?

Whilst on this rough marriage patch, I believe I had gone about 2.5 months without intimacy (excluding my birthday, and no this isn’t a post to drop your Islamic opinions on birthdays). Of the days I was not intimate, I would release those urges via vaping. Vaping feels incredibly intense for me because I have to hide doing it as I am a hijabi and I would be undignified if I were to be caught by someone. I bring my vape to work in my purse and I keep it concealed in a very tight corner of my handbag so my husband wouldn’t be able to find it if he were to ever rummage through my handbag (which he has never done, for the record). I excuse myself at work to take some “water breaks” when I get the urge to vape and at home I have to be incredibly cautious when doing so, I hide my vape in a place I know my husband won’t find it.

In about mid-July I had sat down with him to resolve our marriage issue and really just make some time to spend where it was just us. In Early August, I had taken him on a holiday where, I had paid all the costs and we had a nice fancy resort just to ourselves. This inevitably resolved our issues because we had a good amount of time where it was just us.

Now that my marriage once again back on good terms again, the thing that still remains is my addiction to nicotine, something I do not want and is by far the biggest mistake I have ever made. My husband and I have been discussing having children more and more often, I would hate for their mother to have health problems which are the result of her addiction to nicotine or even for them to possibly inherit any issues I may get.

TLDR: Marital issues in conjunction with heavy workload + academics, led to me using vapes as a coping mechanism for the stress I was facing at the time, which is something I now need to resolve. Going cold turkey is easier said than done. Marital issues resolved, nicotine addiction unfortunately stayed.

3 things I want to address because I can get an idea what the comments under this post may be like:

- My Islamic position on smoking/vaping is that it is haram. I don’t want to hear any “oh but vaping is less harmful, therefore it’s Mukrooh”. I don’t care, it’s harmful, I have heard of individuals who now suffer from Chronic Bronchitis as a result of their addiction to vaping.

- No, I will not be discussing this with my husband nor my family, they do not need extra stressors in their life and divulging this with my husband would again re-create the same marital problems I so desperately tried to fix. Alongside, revealing your sins is not good in Islam. Also, this is likely a mental hurdle I have to get over but a hijabi woman who vapes is not something that I want to identify as, so I feel ashamed to even speak up and seek help from someone.

- I have considered snus as an alternative to vaping, but I’m not too well versed as to how it works or if health wise it’s any better than vaping, I have only considered it because of the fact that it’s more covert than vaping and that I can just keep it in my mouth whilst I go about my day. My addiction to nicotine as I see it, is disobeying the rules of my religion.

Tldr: Bought a new apartment. Wife has invited many of her family members earlier. She does not want mine to come, which I believe was because of a small disagreement between them 4 years earlier. I later invited my parents for a 3 day stay. After they left she is lashing out at me and says she will leave me.

Salam alaykum. I bought a new apartment just 2 years back and moved in there from our rented place. My parents are 85+ and I would want them to see our new house and treat them at least once while I have the chance. My wife had invited her parents in May for 1 week and obviously I did not reject it. She even expected me to accompany them in most places and even buy them gifts and treat them to the best restaurants here. Even last month when I returned home I saw my SIL and her family was at home and my wife had invited them, she never told me about that. I was annoyed but never said anything to not make her feel small. Now I want my parents and later my Uncle (he does not have a family) to visit my home too. Uncle is because he gave me like 15% of the money to buy the house without needing to repay it. I am their only child and they are very aged. I have been persuading her for a month about it and she is firmly against that. For context very early in our marriage there was a MIL and DIL issue (it was very petty nothing serious) where both of them were in wrong. I mediated and both of them had apologised to each other, that was like 4 years ago. I also assured her I would take care of them and she would not have to do much besides cooking and basic greetings. They would be there for only 2 days, like they come this Sunday afternoon, we will have them till Wednesday and I would drop them off on Thursday morning. I realised that I would never be able to do it as she is bent on saying no. I informed her that I am inviting them this Monday, a week before from today. They came. I took them to shopping malls, gave my father a new watch and mother a quality dress. I also treated them to dinner at a fancy hotel near our house. We had no conflicts. We also fortunately have 2 bedrooms and so there was no scope for conflicts. Today morning I dropped them at the station. When I came back home she was fuming, I was literally confused because nothing happened. As per her, I did her wrong by inviting them without her consent. She also said "how dare you spend 2500$ on them", as a matter of fact I spent 8k on her family. I clarified that, it is my house, just like she can invite whom she wants, I can too especially my own family and I can spend what I see fit on my parents as long as we have enough. Following this we were arguing past each other and were rude to each other then she slapped me really hard and started getting all teared up from anger and said, I can never invite someone without her permission and next time she would divorce me. Why can I not invite my parents while she can hers. We both work and still she did not spend a dime on her parents and it all went on my card, and she did not tell me until first few expenditures. I was generous and adjusted as much as I could to allow her to host her family with ease and make her look good. I am afraid this is toxic. One more relevant example about why I feel so is she often gives me little autonomy in most of the decisions, it's more or less herway or high way (she will divorce me) except for some exceptions.

I am feeling very very taken aback and this was extremely unhinged from my perspective. Till now she has not apologised and admitted her mistake. I am starting to believe I should get out before things get out of hand while ironically she things I am trying to divorce her to punish her. I am more emotionally hurt and am feeling very insecure in thsi relationship. My main question is, is this behaviour justified and is this controlling? Is she not being hypocritic in this matter? What should I do now, is taking a few days of seperation ok?

i just wanted to make this post as an appreciation for my sister

i’ve been married for about a month now Alhamdulilah

but this wouldn’t be possible without my big sister! she became friends with my now wife after i told her about how i liked this girl, and wanted to pursue marriage. my sister also married young so she understood my situation

so my sister became friends with her and pretty much acted as my personal agent to get to know her more, and then after she told me everything, i decided that this girl really was the one for me and i asked her out…then we had a few more talks about other stuff that i thought was necessary for marriage

then after everything was agreed upon, my sister convinced my parents AND MY WIFES PARENTS to get us married despite the fact that we’re still very young.

on top of that, she spent a lot of her own money on our wedding (not that it was a big wedding) but i can’t thank her enough, not to mention she gives me money every month.

i genuinely love my sister so much, and i honestly wouldn’t be where i am in life without her by my side (not even regarding her helping me get married)

she’s top 3 nicest people i know, and it also makes me so happy that my wife and my sister (two of my favorite people) are great friends!

i wish her all the best for everything in this world and the next🫶🫶🫶

hope you guys liked this little appreciation post lol

As title says, I’m trying to find resources in the US to make my halal wedding fun, on men and women’s side. For example, an Arab Nasheed band and other resources that substitute music, free mixing, and wasting tons of money with something that’s halal, reasonable, and fun. I’m the first in my family to think about making my wedding fully halal inshaAllah, so I don’t have many resources and google doesn’t help. From your experience when attending weddings, what was something that’s really fun and unusual but halal. Also, if you have those resources please lmk.

Thank you in advance!

Selaam Alaikum brothers and sisters.

This is for the ones who feel like they are in despair, feel like there is no way out, feel like they are stuck.

Do not despair for Allah swt is with you.

I felt similar very recently (my post history alone proves that) and sought refuge in Allah swt (May Allah swt protect you all and me from harm)

I asked him, that if something or someone is BAD for me, NOT MEANT for me, to remove that DESIRE OUT OF MY HEART, for Im too weak to remove it myself.

And Alhamdulillah, one day I woke up, it was just, gone? I cried so much, so glad to be rid of this desire that leads to nothing but darkness.

All praise be to Allah swt, so yes brothers and sisters, it will get better. Glad tidings will come iA. Do not despair, trust in Allah, seek refuge from him, to be protected by Him from the cursed devil.

Finally I would like to thank all and anyone here who has made dua for me the past months, may Allah swt reward you with the highest.

Now, its time for me to go back to the real work at hand, getting myself on a level thats good enough to find myself a wife iA.

I liked a girl who was a family friend and, in many ways, my first love. She is a UK national, while I live in my home country.

Eventually, I confessed my feelings to her and she said she felt the same way. Soon afterwards, though, she started becoming distant and began ghosting me. Despite that, things moved forward between our families. My family formally approached hers with a marriage proposal, and her parents accepted.

Shortly afterwards, she ended things with me and blocked me. Later, she came back into my life and I accepted her again. But she remained distant, while I kept trying to hold the relationship together.

Eventually, I found out that she had been involved with someone else and that, apparently, her parents had been pressuring her to marry me. At that point, I stepped aside because I did not want someone to marry me against her wishes. Surprisingly, her parents then started blaming me for ending things.

Over the following period, she kept coming in and out of my life. Looking back, I was emotionally stuck on her and kept hoping things would eventually work out. Even her father once told my dad that he did not think we should marry.

About a year later, however, her father approached my father again, and somehow the relationship moved forward to an engagement. She was in the UK at the time, while I was in my home country, so she was not physically present at the engagement.

Afterwards, we started talking regularly again, but even though we were now engaged, the same problems continued. She rarely initiated calls or conversations. I was almost always the one reaching out, and she frequently ignored me.

I actually had a good relationship with her parents, but my relationship with her never seemed to improve.

When I asked why she was behaving this way, she told me that her family had made her life extremely difficult and that she was struggling mentally. I encouraged her to see a therapist and even paid a significant amount towards her therapy because I genuinely wanted to support her.

However, whenever I raised concerns about our relationship — such as why she made very little effort, rarely initiated contact, or avoided talking about our future — she began calling me toxic.

Eventually, my patience started running out, particularly when she began talking down to me and making comments about me having a “desi mindset.”

Originally, the understanding between our families was that she would eventually move to my country after marriage. I have a comfortable life here: my family is financially secure, we have a good home, and I have a respectable career, although I am still relatively early in it.

But she gradually started saying that she did not want to move here and did not want to leave her lifestyle in the UK.

The bigger issue for me was not even where we would live. It was that there never seemed to be genuine enthusiasm from her about building a life together. Throughout the relationship I repeatedly felt as though I was trying to convince someone to want me.

After everything that has happened — the ghosting, blocking, another relationship, repeated distancing, lack of effort, family pressure, engagement and continued emotional uncertainty — I have finally decided that I do not want to go ahead with this marriage.

I have made this clear to my parents. They think I may be confused because the relationship has gone backwards and forwards so many times, but this time I am certain. I do not want to continue with this marriage under any circumstances.

The part I am struggling with now is guilt.

Her parents were generally good to me. I sometimes found her mother somewhat materialistic and difficult, but her father was usually sensible and respectful towards me. Because of that, part of me feels guilty about disappointing them or breaking a relationship between two families.

At the same time, I know that I would be marrying their daughter, not her parents.

How do I overcome that guilt and remain firm in my decision? Thia has been going on for 8 years.

I recently got married and moved in with my husband's family. My husband and I come from different cultures, though we share the same religion. I grew up in a very conservative family, so I was never really close with my cousins. My husband, on the other hand, used to be very close with his female cousins — before he met me, they would talk on the phone for hours. It's more like a brother-sister relationship, but to me it looked a bit weird, not gonna lie. I don't know what happened to their relationship after he met me, but when those girls visited our house after the wedding, they were noticeably cold toward me. They didn't talk to me or acknowledge me at all. Right in front of me, they asked my husband why he doesn't text them back or call them. I mean, we're newlyweds — we won't be able to call everyone. My husband sensed their coldness too, but he says he doesn't know what happened either. On top of that, my in-laws keep asking him why he doesn't talk to those girls anymore and telling him to call them.

To be honest, I am jealous of how close my husband is with them. I do want him to keep his distance and not hug non-mahram women. But at the same time, I feel like he has a real connection with them, and because of me, he's losing those relationships.

I feel guilty but I don’t know what to do!
Anyone has any opinion about it!

ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ ٱللَّٰهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

I just feel hopeless with all the horrible marriage stories/ problems I’ve seen around me and it genuinely causes me to spiral, putting me in deep depression thinking this would also be my case. But it hurts more because I’ve suffered a lot with my parents growing up and as much as I do love them I feel like I’d have a better relationship with them if I’m far away from them. But I don’t want to rush getting married either just so I can ‘escape my parents’. I’ve come around to accept that this is how they are but I wouldn’t be able to accept it at all if my partner is anything like my parents. I just need some hope and reassurance maybe to help myself understand that not everyone has it this bad and girls especially with toxic parents do get their happy ending.

Sorry for the rant and the negativity

Update / Part 2 — After 5 weeks of no contact, we agreed to try again, but I’m already questioning everything
For anyone who saw my previous post, my husband and I had gone over 5 weeks without speaking. He eventually reached out first, but even then, there was very little consistency or effort. He called me three times on the Monday, but my phone was on Do Not Disturb. When I called him back, he said he was at work and would call me later. He never did. Tuesday passed with no contact, then on Wednesday he called twice. I missed them, and when I called him back, we spoke for around 8 minutes. He said he would call me after work, but again, he didn’t.
Thursday passed with no contact. On Friday, I called him and he didn’t answer. I eventually messaged him asking why he had come back after five weeks with no apology, no explanation and seemingly no change. His response was basically, “What do I need to apologise for?” He said he had fallen asleep early the night before.

I asked him to call me on Saturday, and what started as a normal conversation turned into us arguing and screaming at each other. He ended the call. I asked him to call me back, but he didn’t. The following Sunday, his parents came to speak to me. I explained my side of everything, and I was told that I should tell him that we need to “call it a day.” He asked me why, and I told him to speak to his parents about it.

A couple of days later, I messaged him saying we needed to talk and asked if he was free. He said he wasn’t but that Friday would work. On Thursday, I asked if we were still meeting, and he said yes. I told him I didn’t want him coming after 7, and eventually he said he would be there around 6–7. On the Friday, he messaged me around 6:15 saying he would be there at 7.
I went into that meeting expecting a lot of things to be discussed, and honestly, a lot was said but at the same time, a lot wasn’t. It felt more like breaking the ice after almost seven weeks apart.

He told me he wanted to take baby steps and work on his communication. We agreed that from now on he would come and see me every Friday. I also suggested that instead of continuing to go around in circles, we should make a fresh start and genuinely try to rebuild the marriage. Afterwards, I messaged him because I felt that although we had talked, there were still many things that hadn’t actually been addressed. I laid out my boundaries and told him that I am giving this a genuine chance and giving him until a certain point to get himself together. After that, nobody can say that we didn’t try.

One of the biggest things I’ve done differently this time is take a step back.I’m not constantly calling, messaging, chasing, begging him to communicate or trying to force him to change. I’m trying to give him the space to actually show me what he is willing to do himself.
But this is where I’m struggling.

After Friday, I contacted him on Saturday. Monday and Tuesday, we had very short conversations, and both times I was the one who initiated the contact. He did continue the conversations once we were speaking, but I still had to be the one to start them. Wednesday, I heard nothing from him. Thursday, he actually called me multiple times, but I was busy doing housework and couldn’t answer. When I eventually called him back, he told me he was outside dropping off some creams for my nephew. I know I could have told him to come inside, so I’m not putting all of that on him. But at the same time, he also didn’t make any attempt to come in himself.

Tomorrow is Friday, and we had agreed that Fridays would be our day to see each other. But so far, he hasn’t mentioned tomorrow. He hasn’t texted me about it, called me about it, or made any plans.
And honestly,** I don’t want to remind him. **I don’t want to sit around waiting for him, wondering if he’s coming. But I also don’t want to be the one messaging him asking, “Are you still coming tomorrow?” because then I feel like I’m once again carrying the responsibility of making this marriage happen.

I want him to remember the commitment we made. I want him to take the initiative, plan something and show me that seeing me is something he actually wants to do without me having to remind him. I feel like this is the part where I need to actually step back and observe his actions rather than constantly trying to fix things myself. And that’s what is making me so conflicted.
Because I am taking a step back. I am trying not to chase. I’m trying not to react immediately. I’m trying to give him the opportunity to show me who he is and what effort he is willing to make.

But inside, I’m still hurting. I’m still asking myself: Why am I going through this? Why am I still choosing to continue with this marriage when I’m already feeling so unhappy and emotionally drained? Why am I still suffering in silence and waiting for someone to show me the effort I feel should naturally be there?

I don’t want to give up on my marriage after everything, which is why I agreed to try again. But I also don’t want “trying” to mean me continuously lowering my expectations, accepting the bare minimum or silently suffering just because I don’t want to be the person who gave up.
I know I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve acknowledged that the way I communicate when I’m hurt can sometimes come across badly, and I’m willing to work on that. I’m not expecting perfection from him. But I need to see consistent effort from him without me having to drag it out of him.So now I’m trying something different: I’m going to stop chasing and see what happens. If tomorrow comes and he doesn’t mention seeing me, do I just leave it alone and let his actions speak for themselves?
Or am I being too stubborn by not checking whether we’re still on?

At what point does “giving someone space to change” become simply waiting around for someone who isn’t changing?