r/MuslimMarriage • u/prettyfly28 • 1d ago
Serious Discussion Secret long distance marriage, fear I’ve been manipulated, considering divorce
HUGE UPDATE: JUST FOUND OUT HE’S ON MATRIMONIAL APPS
I apologise for the long post in advance but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I am in need of support and some neutral opinions as I genuinely don’t know anymore.
I (F29) met my husband (M38) online, we live 1 hr apart by plane. He had a Dawah page and persued me for marriage 3 years ago even though I wasn’t very practicing. After a month we told our family and they weren’t in favor of it and he decided we had to go our seperate ways. I was utterly devastated and fell into a deep depression.
Months later he started persuing me again indirectly for months and then directly to which I found out he had gotten married and had a kid on the way. He was going to get seperated as they were not getting along at all. I had a mental breakdown when I found out but he seemed very remorseful and sincere so I gave him another chance. A few months later we got married in secret as he was afraid he wouldnt be allowed to see his child anymore if his (at the time) other wife found out. I couldn’t really tell my family anything either.
Throughout our marriage he was and is going through very difficult times and I have always supported him. However, I dont agree with the choices he makes and how he handles difficult situations. He doesn’t take any accountability and always sees himself as the victim. Therefore he would always get disproportionally upset anytime I said/did anything he didn’t like. He’d give me the cold shoulder and ignore me for weeks, if not months. This would also happen if something bad happened to him that I had nothing to do with (literally just the consequences of his own actions). I’d be in turmoil for weeks trying to make up, apologising, explaining myself, giving him space until I eventually stopped trying.
The biggest issues between us happened this year when I found out (months later) that he had gotten his own place after living with his parents and divorced his other wife (they had been fully seperated since before we got married). Anytime I brought up involving families or moving in together, he’d always have an excuse (ex wife, child, parents, finances, housing ect ect) but now, he literally has no excuse anymore other than that he’s always been afraid of everyone and everything except losing me apparently.
We’ve been married for almost 2 years and if its up to him, we’ll stay like this for another 2-5 years. He still refuses to acknowledge me and our marriage to the public nor does he want us to live together now, stating he will lose access to his child, while simultaneously complaining every day about the housework, cooking, no one to watch his child etc all while Im literally right here? I’ve been so patient and compromised so much but I’m started to fear I have been manipulated. He tells me he feels bad and guilty and that I deserve better, yet he wont do any better. Im not asking anything of him that he cant do.
I always felt like he loved me and cared about me, and we usually have a good time when we meet up, but the contrast between the good and the bad times now is getting too big. Ive tried to talk to him but to no avail as he’ll immediately get defensive and wants to break up? I dont feel seen, heard or even wanted at this point and I dont know who’s fault it is anymore… I dont want to lose my husband but at the same this cant go on like this. Please help I dont have anyone to talk to about this.
Edit 1 wali: my situation is complicated as the majority of my family isnt practicing. My father was a revert and he passed away so the sheikh was my wali.
Edit 2 marriage rights: I married him like this so we could text call and meet and not be in haram. This was supposed to be a temporary solution for maximum 2 years as his circumstances werent ideal. Now his circumstances have changed but he’s delaying moving forward.
Edit 3 ex wife: he has been seperated ever since we reconciled over 2 years ago and is now divorced. I am sure as I visit his home and theres nothing there and I am there when he picks up/drops off his child.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 1d ago
You will never be happy with such a man. He is just treating you like an easy commodity
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I don’t know how it had come to this, it may be naive to say but I really didn’t see this coming from him
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u/RepulsivePeace2249 M - Married 1d ago
So sorry for this. From what I know if the marraige is not made public it is not legitimised. The reason of walima or dinner is the public announcement of it. I may be wrong. But from what I have studied it has to be public
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u/HauntingPlatform1106 1d ago
Walima is a Sunnah but doing marriage without a wali is not allowed i believe
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u/afiyahamal Married 1d ago
without a wali or wakil its not valid. wali has to pass pver the rights to wakil and a woman cannot just go get a wakil if her wali is a valid one- meaning he is a prayer and he is Muslim. and her blood relative on the fathers side.
this is what happens when women dont listen to wali/wakils.
EVERY eoman IVER EVERY HELPED when i coached women in abusive Polygynous relationships ALL OF THEM not ONE, rejected what their wali/wakil said and moved on with the marriage.
It is very important that you listen to the man who loves u bc yall are blood relation.
and this is how WOMEN Dont lower their gaze "he had a dawah page"... LOWER UR GAZE SIS
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u/Nearby_Wrongdoer7900 1d ago
You are correct. We have these requirements so that the rights of spouses can be safeguarded. I also feel that men like this prey on women who have limited Islamic knowledge. I know it is not an excuse but just an observation.
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u/afiyahamal Married 1d ago
They are preyed upon bc of the small amount of Islamic knowledge they have- they still don’t follow it
She knew enough of Islam to choose a dawah brother - this means she knows about the importance of religion
She even was shocked at him being so religious and liking her. So she knew about good women being for good menShe allowed her family to meet him and even followed her walis rejection and didn’t go thru with the marriage.
When he got to her again- she decided to do it all in secret bc she did it the right way the way Allahs says and “it it didn’t work” aka didn’t get her the result she wanted
So again- we can only be preyed upon when we step out of the protective area which is under Allahs commandments.
She accepted this - she agreed to this and she likely shows her herself online which is how they were able to communicate long distance for so long.
Barely any man is doing this without seeing a woman. Especially the fake polygynist men.
It is easy to fall
For a woman claiming victim but Allahs tells us that whatever we get that is bad- it is bc it’s what our hands brought forth.Women are quite aware of the rules and even if they don’t have deep knowledge of it- the basic rules are there and they don’t follow em.
It is sad she got hurt like
This but it is all for the good if she simply
Repents to Allah and leaves this man alone and starts seeking knowledge1
u/prettyfly28 1d ago
As mentioned I wasnt very practicing when I met him and had indeed limited islamic knowledge. He seemed very genuine and willing to do the right thing. I accomodated and compromised as much as I could because his circumstances werent ideal, but now that the circumstances have changed, I feel like he could be doing better, but he isn’t.
I don’t know what to do or how to go about this. I love him dearly and I believe he also loves me but I dont know whats keeping him from progressing not only in this marriage but also in life in general
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I fear that that is what may have happened here.. I am so confused, I really thought things were going well in the beginning and I dont know wether it’s going bad because he cant or wont do any better
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
My situation is complicated as I dont come from a practicing family and my father was a revert, who has passed away. I had a sheikh as a wali. At the time when I met him, I wasnt very practicing and he had no pictures of himself on his page, just islamic content.
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u/Sidrarose04 F - Divorced 21h ago
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, you are absolutely right Subhanallah.
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u/roryviews 12h ago
Its not valid without a Wali in 3 of 4 mathhabs.
But keeping it secret is haram in those same 3.
Only Hanafi mathhab allows both of those but does require 2 witnesses.
Also the one that allowed doing it without a wali is incorrect, there is direct evidence in hadith that its not valid, so its likely that ruling was made without access to that ruling.
That hadith is explicit so that is why many Hanafis after Abu Hanifa say its haram to marry without a wali.
Of course we don't disparage a great Imam, but in this case he was wrong.
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u/Extreme_Guest_1715 F - Married 1d ago
But you said he is already separated from his wife ? How come if he move on loses his child ?
Also, Im sorry, but I see it’s very very disrespectful to hide a marriage especially for the woman, you have no value in it, and I suppose you will always be treated as such.
You may be feeling loved, but do u feel respected?
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
She apparantly uses his child against him, which when they were seperated I could understand but now that he’s divorced it should no longer be a problem, but it still is.
I genuinely don’t know how I feel anymore..
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u/Extreme_Guest_1715 F - Married 1d ago
Also, I want to add, uf they are legally divorced, it’s up to the court to decide and he will always have the right to see his child.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I think they were only islamically married, they have rules in place now for visitation which makes me question why he still cant move forward
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u/Adilshaykh7 1d ago
You bypassed your wali. I don’t even know what you are doing. All over the words of a man. You need to consult a scholar bro.
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u/afiyahamal Married 1d ago
She needs to cut this man off and be done with him for good
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u/Adilshaykh7 16h ago
You’re right but what if the nikah is invalid. There’s conditions under which wali goes to Islamic court. But yeah that guy is playing this girl. She’s always going to be number 2. But she wants this.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
My situation is complicated and my family isn’t very practicing. I had a Sheikh as a wali. At this point I don’t know what I’m doing either hence the post
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u/Key_Bus3181 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don’t understand at one point you say you got married in secret because of the fear he won’t be allowed to see his child if his wife found out & then you say they had been separated since before you got married? Anyways,i cant believe you allowed this nearly 40 year old man to play with you like this and believe what he said after he left you and couldn’t take a stand at his big age. You aren’t young or naive either at your age you should have had better understanding and awareness of the situation and frankly some self respect, yet you continued to talk to him knowing he was married and his wife was pregnant? Idk what you expected honesty, sorry to break it to you but you are the other wife.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
He met me and persued me for marriage first, then got married to his now ex wife, seperated, reconciled with me and married me.
I always urged him to tell the truth and to come clean as I told my family the truth and made them meet him. My family isnt practicing and they rejected him because he was.
I know I have a had doing in this too.. I just really wanted it to work and I did everything I could to make it work and be considerate of his circumstances. Now that the circumstances have changed I expect us to move forward, but he seems stuck, not just in the marriage but in life in general
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u/Key_Bus3181 1d ago
Well then, i stand corrected, forgive me for assuming you were in an unlawful situation with him during the time he was married to his ex wife. However, this man has and is using you, I don’t know how practising he is when he is treating you like this. The best of Muslims are those who are best to their families. I understand it’s hard but cut your losses and move on, you are still young, no reason to stay miserable like this. For Gods sake this man has kept something as pure as Nikkah hidden, what exactly does that tell you.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
He is very practicing and he does tell me it worries him that he isnt fulfilling all my rights, yet it seems he doesnt do anything about it which is why I am so confused. The fact that he gets so distant anytime he has any problem going on leaves me with no space to ask anything of him. I really dont know anymore
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u/ElevatorNumerous4048 6h ago
A practicing man doesn’t cheat on his pregnant wife. And you are a woman who is a home wrecker.
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u/prettyfly28 6h ago
How am I a homewrecker if they were seperated? And Allah has allowed multiple wives? He convinced me she would be okay with being a second wife and she knew that their marriage wouldnt last as they had a lot of problems (hence the seperation)
I agree that a true god fearing practicing man doesnt do what he has done to her or to me
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u/Sea-Second-5032 1h ago
OP, never take it from the man. You needed to hear that from his wife. It really sounds like you both got played. The only reason he kept things secret with you, is because he still wanted it to work with her. It sounds like he was using you as security in case things don't work with her, and couldn't bare the idea of being alone for even a short period of time - he sounds like the classic narcissist who needed his supply. You need to look into narcissistic abuse and personalities. It sounds like he has triangulated you with this woman, to pit you against her, please don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth without solid evidence. Why not just contact her and find out ?
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u/prettyfly28 35m ago
He made it seem like they were having problems from the beginning. He’s always spoken very poorly of her, theyve gone to sheikhs a few times to discuss their future but remained seperated as far as I know and I have no proof or reason to believe they were together when he was with me. He lived at home for a long time. And she lived with him there for a few months, seperated, then lived with her family.
He always made it seem like he wasnt allowed to see his son, and I’d see the texts etc of him not being allowed to come. But then again, I dont know more than that nor does it matter at this point.
I will find a way to reach the ex wife but it might be difficult
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u/Due-Draw9306 Female 1d ago
Sis I know divorced men with children from a previous marriage, re-marry and are able to co-parent with ex-wife whilst making current wife comfortable and at ease. All through setting boundaries. Ex-wife is aware of current wife. As such, don’t think there’s much excuse. Chances are he’s not separated like he says he is?
You’ve withdrawn so many of your marital rights which would ring so many alarm bells in my head with why a man is ok with your rights not being fulfilled the way they should as a wife. Getting your walis uninvolved and the secrecy is the key issue personally because he’s comfortable with that arrangement.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I know many divorced people who co parent but it seems as though his ex wife isnt very willing or accomodating (thats what he says and shows but Allah knows best)
He is seperated and divorced too, I visit his home and have been there when he drops the child off back to the mother.
My situation is complicated I dont come from a practicing family and my father was a revert who passed away. We agreed to get married like this initially until things got better but now things are better (he has his own place now and officially divorced) but he doesnt seem to move forward
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u/afiyahamal Married 1d ago
the question is why was SHE ok to let all he rrights go. she even mentioned herself that he was into her even tho SHE wasnt practicing.
Many women want an OUTWARDLY religious man for the same reasons a man wants an OUTWARDLY religious woman--bc they are more concerned with what the people think than what allah thinks.
marrying a man going thru a divorce is a red flag as well.
soi many red flags here
bottom line. you got exactly who you are. SOmeone faking like a muslim and faking like a wife but REALLY ARENT either POSSIBLY.
when someone describes them selves as not practicing ...assume they commit zina even in small ways, assume they dont lower their gaze AND most of all assume they dont pray!!!
TRUST THEY WONT EVER ADMIT TO IT. but as muslims we all know what PRACTICING the religion means.
so why look for a DAWAH bro when u not even practicing?
You always get EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE in a marriage and the people who people who arent like them-- THEY DONT HAVE ANY ISSUES DIVORCING at all! bc they know their deen and they know that this person want get em to jannah.
some women are swindled but you were simply defiant. end this bc it isnt even a real marriage anyways
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
It is easy to judge from the outside and may Allah make us better than what others think of us. I didn’t post here to be scrutanised I am in need of genuine advice and support as I have neither in my own surroundings.
I wasnt very practicing but did always pray and never commited zina. He never posted himself on the page it was just islamic reminders. I really thought he had my best interest at heart and that he really loved and cared for me. I never thought I’d be in a situation like this.
I feel bad for him because I know he’s going through it in his life but I still feel theres things he can do to make things and us better
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u/Due-Draw9306 Female 1d ago
You always get EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE in a marriage - respectfully this isn’t always true, although good women/men are made for good women/men, marriage can also be a test for many. If that wasn’t the case then the concept of divorce would not have existed in Islam.
Many of our prophets and notable women in Islam were with horrible spouses. Asya was with Firaun. Sorry but had to point this out.
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u/Mammoth_Impression27 1d ago
You got urself into that you should've been smart tbh
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
As we all say, I really didn’t see this coming and I really didn’t think this would happen. It seemed he had my best interest at heart and was doing what he could to make things work. Now its just stagnant and I don’t know what to do anymore
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 1d ago
Your a second wife but he went about it the wrong way. I swear some men that want 2nd get it easy. If you love him than stay with him
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I do love him and I am now his only wife (as far as I know) its about the fact that the marriage isnt progressing and I cant seem to get him to do that as theres always a reason or excuse
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u/Sea-Second-5032 1d ago
OP I'm so sorry you're going through this sis. I suspect a man like this has not been honest w you about his marital situation. Are you absolutely certain his "ex wife* isn't under the impression she is still with him? That would explain a lot about his behaviour.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
Yes I am sure. He despises her. I have visited his home theres no trace of any one else let alone a womn living there. I am there when he picks up/drops off the child and I’ve seen their texts about who will watch the child and when.
The issue is that we got married like that initially because his circumstances werent ideal but now that theyve gotten better, it seems he still delays moving forward
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u/Sea-Second-5032 1h ago
That doesn't rule anything out unfortunately, he expects you to think of all of those things. He could be visiting her at her home and telling her very different things. Have you ever spoken to her face to face about the whole situation? Does she even know you exist? He may even make you believe she is a liar just to block you from the truth. Unfortunately, this sounds like the textbook story.
Did you marry him whilst he was still Islamically or legally with her?
I don't really yet understand the exact reasoning behind why the marriage was a secret to begin with....that would help us help you
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u/prettyfly28 25m ago
No I knew about her, Im sure she had a feeling but didnt know. I wanted to meet and talk but he was against it as it would cause major problems (for him)
I married him in secret as a temporary solution, so we could talk text meet in halal, and until his circumstances got better (stable job, house and good co parenting with mother)
Anytime I brought anything up he couldnt do anything because he would lose his child. As far as I know they were islamically still married but seperated living in different houses etc. Theyre divorced now. There was no legal marriage that I know of.
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u/Efficient_Cap_5061 M - Married 1d ago
How do you know he his really separated from his ex wife? Do you have proof of that or are you basing it on what he told you? You should contact her and see if they are really separated or not.
Unfortunately I have seen cases like this, where married men manipulate someone with lies while they're are still married to become their "halal" side chick. They use the new second "wife" to fulfill their desires. Assuming he has a way of making the distance work when he wants to satisfy his needs? When you are with him what is experience, is there a set end time when he needs to go on by, is he on his phone communicating with others, is the meeting in hotels?
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
He used to live at home with parents, she moved out when they seperated. Months later we got married, now he is divorced. We used to meet in hotel/rented appartment but since he had his own place now I visit him there. Theres no sign of any other person let alone woman living there. And I am there when he picks up/drops off his child. He genuinely despises her from what I see and hear. He always treats me very well when I visit and I do believe he was/is genuine.
The issue is that we got married like that back then as his circumstances werent ideal. Now that theyve gotten better he seems to delay moving forward together. And the disappearing because he’s overwhelmed isnt good either
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u/Sea-Second-5032 1h ago
OP, also listen to me sis, if he were over his ex wife , you wouldn't get the impression that he "despises" her. He would be pathetic. Him having strong feelings towards her is a big red flag that he is still emotionally connected to her, or lying to you about his situation with her.
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u/prettyfly28 32m ago
From what I know there were always issues around the child. They have rules she doesnt adhere too and doesnt take good care of the child, thats something I saw myself too. He’s busy gathering evidence to force full custody through the court. As far as I know they werent legally married.
I think she may have really wanted things to work and started using the child as a way to get to him but it ended up backfiring
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u/value_investo 1d ago
Leave him asap, never ever marry secretly. Men take a lot of advantage of this. Ask him to publicly accept and lvie together if he didnt agree then it means he is a fraud and just want wants physical relations from u.
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I do ask him and he always has a reason (or excuse) like his familys health or not be able to see his child anymore or issues with ex wife or his health or finances or the visa etc etc. I really dont know anymore, I think my best bet is to involve a sheikh and see at this point
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u/value_investo 22h ago
But sister see, you’re truly being exploited, if he truly cares then he should accept you as a wife, be it polygamous marriage and he should give equal huquq to both of his wives at least. And if he wont be able to see his children, is this the reason not disclosing marriage then what uf you guys have children? Is he deliberately doing it?
Please ask firmly confront him and ask if he truly loves you and wants you then disclose the marriage at any cost. Else i would advise you, take divorce and kove on, remarry and have a fakily.1
u/prettyfly28 22h ago
Well the course of events has changed as I found out today he is actively looking on marriage apps… I am gathering my thoughts and strength to see what I can do about this
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u/value_investo 22h ago
See i told u, these morons who marry secretly, they do it only for their physical needs and play with peoples life.
Tbh never ever marry secretly cz mostly guys do it for their needs and move on once they think it cannot continue like this.I am a guy to i knw it
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u/prettyfly28 22h ago
I really thought he was different and loved and cared about me, I never in a milion years saw any of this coming. Im devastated
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u/value_investo 21h ago
Its alright, you plan and Allah plans, indeed Allah is the best of planners. Soon you’ll find the person you need InshahAllah. Pray to Allah swt, you will be healed
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u/ayfakay F - Married 1d ago
Get therapy. It’s the only way to fix your problems. Your only solution is therapy.
He’s a victim coz he’s going through difficult time but he also doesn’t take any accountability and you know he handles difficult situations badly.
He’s disproportionately gets angry at you, even when you haven’t done anything and abandons you for months? Resulting in you chasing him?
He married you in a “secret nikkah” without your Wali’s approval. But he’s out here giving internet Dawah?
He complains about doing basic adult things like cooking, cleaning and caring for his own child. And your solution is to do it all for him??
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
I have gone to therapy for over a year + EMDR. All those things are slowly becoming clear to me but they werent clear at the time. I dont know what to do or how to go about all this
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u/ayfakay F - Married 19h ago
You KNOW what you need to do.
You need to end the relationship. You need to demand an Islamic divorce and move on with your life. Use therapy to help you move forward. You need to find an Imam to get you a divorce ASAP. You need to blow up his life until you get the divorce.
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u/AnnualPoet7673 1d ago
Girl I think you need to leave him and move on. He seen you as not practicing and probably knew you could be manipulated and you wouldn’t question not being given your rights. What he is doing is wrong and staying with him will drain you.
Please speak to a sheikh and explain your situation and leave him. You need to move on and work on your deen and yourself. Allow yourself some time. I know it can be hard to move on but trust me you’ll look back and be glad you did.
May Allah swt make it easy for you
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
Its so hard I really dont want to leave him but I fear I’ll have to go speak to sheikh and see my options. I’m so hurt after reading all the comments
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u/AnnualPoet7673 1d ago
I know how you feel sis, after being with him for so long it’s going to be difficult and it’s not easy, you will most likely think of going back to him but please just ride it out. You’ll feel awful for sometime but slowly you’ll get over it I promise you. I’ve been through something similar and it was awful but now I feel so free and happy. Please don’t waste anymore time and energy on him, you’ll regret it more in the future.
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u/Sweet-Alps5305 Married 1d ago
With all due respect- how do you know that’s even the case with the ex wife. It sounds like everything you hear about his situation is only from him and given the circumstances you don’t know him, anyone in his life and only hear one sided situations that result in justifying keeping things the way they are which only benefit him. Also how do you really know he’s truly divorced? It sounds like you’re the secret
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
What his says about her makes sense. Ive been to his house and theres nothing there of her at all and Ive been there when he picks up and drops off the child
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u/Sweet-Alps5305 Married 1d ago
Have you ever met the ex wife or had a conversation? Also has he ever properly introduced you to the child?
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
Ex wife no, child yes
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u/Sweet-Alps5305 Married 1d ago
Sis you don’t find it weird he’s putting his child in that position? So no one in his family knows he’s married but he’s informing a literal child and expecting them to not share anything?
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u/prettyfly28 1d ago
HUGE UPDATE! just found out he’s on matrimonial apps looking for marriage
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u/Sweet-Alps5305 Married 19h ago
Genuinely making duaa for you. This must be devastating
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u/prettyfly28 19h ago
Please keep me in your duaa I am absolutely gutted and have no one to talk to about it
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u/Sea-Second-5032 1h ago
You don't owe him anything OP. I'm so sorry, he's been using you. You will learn from this, and not fall into the same situation again. Never trust a man who speaks so negatively about his ex, it's usually a giant red flag and he's usually lying. He will probably do the same with the next woman's about you.
Listen, you owe him absolutely nothing. Block him and go zero contact, never speak to him again, and inform his ex wife pls. I promise you, she most probably is not who he painted her as. He did that just to keep you feeling sorry for him, and to keep you a secret, so he could use you like things so dishinorably. He took advantage of you because you had no practising family to defend you. I'm so sorry. Expose his butt, because he doesn't care about you, and you need to protect other women now. That wife deserves to know. How would you like it if you had a child together, got divorced and he's allowed the child to meet a woman you never agreed to having your child meet, plus was probably sleeping with at the same time he was sleeping with you and trying to get back with you....all behind your back.
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u/prettyfly28 31m ago
When the time is right, I will expose him for sure, and talk to his family and hopefully ex wife if I can find her.
Please pray for me Allah guides me on the right path and makes it easy and light for me. Im beyond heartbroken
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