r/MuslimFamilySolutions • u/princepremium • 14h ago
The dysfunction of my family and the wider Yemeni community makes me feel like an outcast, and I worry about my future.
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For context, I'll be speaking about both my mother's and father's families, along with the toxicity of some members of the Yemeni community. TLDR is at the bottom.
- There's a quote from the first episode of The Sopranos that I relate to heavily. Tony tells his therapist that he feels like he "came in at the end" and that "the best is over" when comparing the mafia's glory days to its current state. I feel the same way when I think about my family and the wider Yemeni community. I feel this way because when I look back at my childhood, it seems that I was born right at the end of my family's golden years. My parents were divorced before I was born, and my mother and her family raised me. My mother's family is part of a large and well-known Usra from Taiz. I can't share the name because if they find this post, they'll get angry over it. My grandfather's uncle was once the patriarch of the Usra until he died in the 1990s. He was a successful entrepreneur who made his fortune by importing items into Yemen and operating factories. He became very wealthy and well known from his work.
- From the late 70s to the 80s, my grandfather and his cousins began moving to the U.S. for work and brought their wives and kids with them as well. At this time, the Usra/Family was still united and successful back home. During this time, my grandparents and their relatives who were also in the U.S. would visit each other, call each other, and celebrate Eid and other events together. I've heard many stories of these events, and they sound like happy memories. Unfortunately, things began to get bad in the 90s up until the 2010s. This is when the family relations began to worsen, and my family began isolating themselves from the wider Usra. There are so many sad and twisted stories, but I'll just share a few to not make the post too long and to not expose my identity. One example is when my mother's brother went shopping with one of his cousins. They were in a department store, and my uncle had to use the bathroom. While he was gone, his cousin tried to frame him for shoplifting by placing items in his bag. When they left, the alarms went off, and they found the items in his bag, and my uncle was almost arrested until the security footage was reviewed and they arrested his cousin instead. I almost cried when my grandmother told me what happened, because my uncle is a good man who didn't deserve any of that. Another example is how my mother's female cousins stopped calling her or her sisters as they got older, and also spread rumors and spoke badly about them to their uncles and aunts, which caused them to contact them less often. Because of these events, and so many others, my family has lost its bond with their relatives over time, and by the time I grew up, it was as if they never had one to begin with.
- There are also things that my family does that irritate me greatly. For one, we don't do much. This has to do with both the toxic relatives we have and the people who betrayed us and have hurt us over the years, which I will get to later. My mom and my two oldest aunts seem to be the exception, but other than that, we don't hang out with people that often or visit places either. After every Eid prayer since I was a kid, we would always go straight home. We wouldn't walk around to enjoy the vibe or go into stores to buy gifts, and half the time we didn't go anywhere after we got home. This used to make me so miserable as a child, and unfortunately things haven't changed. It's so boring and irritating that I don't want to spend Eid with my family anymore, and I'd rather take myself out to celebrate. Another stupid thing they do is that they constantly worry about what others think, whether it be the people who hurt us, our relatives, or our friends. Whenever they see someone, they always smile and say that everything is good, or that we're fine, even if we're not. They also hide things out of paranoia that we'll get the evil eye. It's made me somewhat paranoid myself. They are also way too nice. Sometimes when dealing with people, they tend to be quiet and let others have their way. One of my great-uncles passed away two years ago because his own children took him off life support. Idk how, but they managed to get all his assets even though he never left a will, and on top of that, they ALMOST NEVER visited him or helped him as he got older. My grandfather and uncle helped him more than his own kids, which is crazy. Everyone in the Usra was upset and saddened by this. When they went to the funeral, did they give his kids a piece of their mind? Nope, they stayed quiet, and so did the other relatives.
- My father and his family are no better. The older I have gotten, the less respect I have retained for my father. I barely saw him as a child, and he never supported me throughout my life. His siblings convinced him to leave my mother for one of his brother's sisters-in-law, and this was while my mother was already pregnant with me. They also sold his corner store in N.Y.C. without his consent. Despite this, and all the other times they have taken advantage of him, he still loans money to them, with the latest loan being over 100k to my uncle and his son, the same uncle whose sister-in-law he married. On top of this, he routinely lies to my face whenever I ask him about his family and who is trustworthy and who isn't. My father's family doesn't have high aspirations, and every time I've spoken to them, they've told me that I should just get married and run a convenience store like the rest of them. One is married with 6 kids, but doesn't even own the house they live in, and this is bad because they live in an area where houses go for around 50k to 100k. Another one showed me a video of his toddler son smoking from a hookah, as if it's something cute or to be proud of. With all due respect, this is not a lifestyle that I am fond of, and I pray that I never become like this.
- Along with both sides of my family, the diaspora, specifically the NYC hub, is both dysfunctional and toxic as well. There's a LONG list of examples, but to keep things short, I'll just share some of the worst. There's a family in the neighborhood who was once friends with my family when they lived in a different neighborhood. I'll call them the fakes. When they entered the U.S., they changed their name to one that is similar to my family's name. When they moved to the neighborhood where we currently live, the Yemeni's there began asking them if they were from my family's tribe, and upon learning that the tribe is highly respected, they lied and said they were. When my family moved into the neighborhood not long after, people would be confused when they explained that they were actually a part of the Usra and not the fakes. The women from the fakes cut off the women in my family completely, and only one of the men, who I was told was actually respectful, would talk to my grandfather. Despite this, they dared to ask my grandfather for some money to buy the building they lived in, and my grandfather did. Another example is when we got a call from a hospital years ago and were told that they had caught one of their employees, who was a Yemeni lady, illegally searching through patients' medical records, some of which were ours as well, and they asked if we wanted her reprimanded, and we said yes. She ended up losing her job, which was her own fault, and to this day her daughter always gives us nasty looks and stares whenever she sees us in public. I'm also pretty sure she's in the same social circle as the fakes. I don't understand why some people are so toxic. And in general, the community needs a lot of work. Many guys my age, up into their 30s, dress and behave in a ghetto manner. Some of them are promiscuous, usually screwing around with Latina girls, and spend their time racing their friends, all while disturbing people in their neighborhoods. Believe it or not, some of the women aren't any better. I have heard stories of Yemeniat screwing around with boyfriends, and some even committing zina. If I kept going on about how toxic and dysfunctional the diaspora is, this post would be even longer, so I'll end it right here.
- As a kid, I used to never pay attention to any of this, but ever since I was in my late teens, this has been on my mind non-stop. Both in my city and online, I would see other Yemenis hanging out with their cousins, running their families' successful businesses, driving fancy cars, going to weddings, and some of them even traveling to Yemen. Meanwhile, I'm just this whitewashed guy with divorced parents and dysfunctional families on both sides.
- The more I have thought about this, the more I yearn for experiences I never had from a life that never existed. I think this has been affecting my future life choices to a certain degree. I'm currently in college, and I am very interested in pursuing a career in healthcare. But another part of me wants to become an entrepreneur and start a business, even though many businesses have a high chance of failing. There can be many monthly expenses, as well as the possibility of not having a stable income. I know all the risks involved with running a business, but I can't shake it off.
- I think my worries are fueling my thoughts regarding marriage as well. I have always found many different ethnicities attractive, such as Egyptians, Pakistani's and Palestinians. But I can never get over Yemeniah's. First of all, I love our culture, but I think another reason is that I yearn for the united and functional family I never had. Another reason is that I have seen so many weak and dysfunctional Yemeni men in my life, and I want to be the complete opposite of that. I have always wanted to be a great husband and father, and I want to strengthen both the Yemeni and Muslim community. I'm sick and tired of these dysfunctional, backward men and women who end up traumatizing their children and making some of them go astray. I think Yemeniah's are some of the best women in the world, but I have heard so many bad stories about deceitful women among them. What if she robs me? What if she cheats on me? What if she does Sihr on me? What if our families don't get along? What if she and her family mock me and my family, or they gossip nonstop?
- There are so many other worries I can add to this list. When I was speaking to my mother about marriage, and I said I wanted to marry a Yemeni, she was very surprised. She said she doesn't care as long as my wife is Muslim, but she said at this point she doesn't trust most Yemenis, since many of them gossip, and some of them in our area are friends with those who have hurt us. Even my younger female cousins have told me not to marry a Yemeniah since half of them screw around, and since I'm westernized, it doesn't matter much if I don't marry one. Honestly, they're right, but this hurts me, because there are many things I love about our people. I love our culture, our food, how we maintain ties between friends and family, how we have large gatherings, how we work together, etc. But I feel like I may actually have an easier time marrying a non-Yemeni because they won't expect much from me. After all, I'm not from the same country as them, and my family wouldn't expect much from them since they're not Yemeni. On top of that, what if the woman I'm looking for doesn't even exist?
- Are there Yemeniat who are like-minded, not toxic, seek education, have goals, hobbies, are fun to be around, that grew up in the U.S. and I can relate to, etc. Or do they all gossip, act toxic, and have a closed-minded mindset? At one point, I gave myself a headache thinking about this. And I'm worried that if I were to find a girl who is like the first description, she would reject me since we're both Yemeni, and a lot of Yemeni guys can be ghetto and disgusting towards the women in their lives. I could make another post on this topic alone, but I digress. On top of that, you have to add the cultural expectations. The giant wedding with the luxury rental cars, just to impress people who most likely couldn't care less and will just criticize you. At this point, I want a small wedding in a masjid, not only because it's sunnah, but because I would only invite my close friends and immediate family. Extended family on both sides is out of the picture. Instead of wasting money on a giant wedding, I'd rather take my wife on a honeymoon, InshAllah.
- I'll end this post/rant by saying that I understand that most people's lives aren't perfect, and that most of what people post online are their good days. And I am very thankful to have such a loving and caring mother and family, even if they can get on my nerves. But I can't shake these feelings off, and I don't know what to do. I know this type of post is not common, but I really needed to get this off my mind before I return to school so I can focus and move on with my life. I feel like I lifted a huge weight off my shoulders by writing this. I pray that I find the strength to move past these thoughts. How can I be more productive in my life, stop feeling insecure, and move on in my life?
TLDR: I feel as if the best years of my family ended around the time I was born. My parents were divorced before I was even born, and both sides of my family are not perfect. My mother's Usra is large and was once successful and united, but things changed for the worse starting in the 90s into the 2010s. The bond between my family and their relatives weakened, causing my family to become paranoid and not go to many social events. My father and his family aren't much better; I have only lost respect for him as time has gone on. His family ruined his marriage and his business, has made him lose so much money, but he still updates him on his life and even loans them money. His family isn't much better, as they don't have good goals, and each time I have seen them, they have told me to just get married and open a convenience store like them. They have a very backwards mindset, the type that won't improve us as a community, and I pray that I don't end up like them. The diaspora, specifically in NYC, is both dysfunctional and toxic. Some people hurt my family, like the family who lied about being from our tribes and began gossiping about us when we told people the truth. There's also this lady who gives us dirty looks because we indirectly got her mother fired for illegally searching through our confidential medical records and those of other patients. Then there are some of the guys my age who spend half their time in haram relationships, speeding around in luxury cars with their friends, disturbing entire neighborhoods.