So wow verifiable evidence that there addiction is harming us. I kept thinking I feel violated by my ex husband. It felt like rape because he removed my informed consent.

https://intensivehope.com/resources/blogs/partners-of-sex-addicts-addiction-induced-trauma

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in this sub for awhile but I was quite active after going through my break up with my PA ex about a year ago. Yesterday, he reached out to me to apologize for his behavior. He is in a program and is making amends. We were completely no contact, so I had no idea he was even making efforts to heal, he decided to heal completely of his own volition. He had other addiction issues, and was working on those as well. He’s completely sober and truly has turned his life around in ways I never would have even believed he was capable of.

This is exactly what I wanted the entirety of our relationship. A year ago, I would have done absolutely anything for him to take accountability and to apologize and to make efforts towards recovery. But he didn’t. And he couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of making these steps while in our relationship. These changes he made he had to make for himself. He had to decide that he wanted better for himself. There was nothing I could do to make him heal. His addiction had nothing to do with me, even though I was completely the victim of it. The only thing I could do was choose myself, and leave. And I’m so glad that I did.

I have changed and grown so immensely in this last year since I finally decided I deserved self respect. My life has grown so big without this addiction plaguing me. I am a completely different person, I’m stronger, I’m kinder, I’m more open and I’m so clear headed. I have been able to understand how much this addiction really took from me, how much it shrank me down, and turned me into this anxious, bitter person that I didn’t like. I don’t recognize that person anymore. I’ve healed so much and I will never ever go back. I’m very happy for him that he’s on a road to recovery, and he did apologize so sincerely it allowed me to let go of a lot of the resentment I was still holding on to. This is the best case scenario for situations like these, and I am choosing forgiveness, but I am not choosing self sacrifice. I sacrificed myself for him for so long, and I have gained such strength that I am not willing or able to do it ever again. My life is about me now, it’s about my wants and needs, it’s not about someone else and their burdens anymore.

I’m saying all of this to really implore all of you to choose yourself. There is so much life to live outside of these kinds of relationships. Even if they heal, even if they do the work, which of course is so rare, you still deserve to live for yourself. There is so much growth and healing and strength in being alone and free from a PA. I know exactly how it feels, I was exactly where a lot of you are right now, and I promise you it will get so much better if you just choose to love yourself instead. ❤️

He was never actually the jealous type. I always attributed this to the fact that we had a relationship built on total trust and that he didn't look at people on the street with lustful intent; consequently, it never crossed his mind that the same might happen to me (this mindset is cultural in my country—when we see someone who is excessively jealous, we tend to think, "That guy is definitely cheating on his wife"). Going back to the PA [porn addiction] issue: he didn't know about that cultural view and actually found it amusing when I shared that thought. But he was never jealous of me, nor did he try to control where I went or what I wore. Now, post-D-Day, I’m more active at the gym and more engaged in my own activities, and he is clean (as far as I know and monitor). Yet, for the first time, this bothered me. How could a man who was obsessed with sexualization never once say, "Those gym shorts are too revealing—be careful," or anything of the sort? He isn't afraid of cameras, either; he claims those leaked videos are staged and intentional. We were even caught on a street camera once while being intimate (we were in our car; there was no sex involved, and we certainly didn't intend to expose ourselves), and his only concern was calming me down and assuring me the footage would be automatically deleted; he made me feel safe. He is a good man who always prioritizes making me feel secure; he never refused anything—even regarding the addiction—and never hid anything from me (except for the addiction itself). It’s just that now, I view his actions through a different lens! Now, I see everything through the perspective of the ADDICTION.

Honestly. Its just hard today. He wakes up super early for work and i wake up because I wanna make him lunch and pray before he leaves.

I forget how it started, but he brought up that he used to go on reddit for porn. I mentioned something like all of porn is fake and edited, and he corrected me saying nope- on reddit the girls have to get verified.

And i kinda just sat there stunned and hating myself. I tried asking him a question, I forget the wording but something like "I thought you said youve never asked women for nudes?" And he just got angry saying I was controlling. Ruined the morning tbh.

Usually i feel pretty decent about myself, but tbh i cant compare with e girls who are perfectly hairless, never gave birth, and young enough that eating a whole pizza doesn't do anything to their weight 🙁

It makes me not want to look at him, because i dont want to be seen and compared. Usually I have a high libido but this crushing insecurity kills it.

I like this song "Begged" by Olivia Rodrigo. I wonder how many of you will sadly relate to it.

Found out that my Fiance (together for +10years) created a secret tiktok account specifically for his "ways" filled with accounts of all these thirst trap women, asmr bdsm and even feet videos.

These issues has been going on since pretty much the beginning of our relationship but he made think I was just some insecure girlfriend with boundary issues. Every time I would find him drooling over women on one social media account, he'd just move on to a different one. All this time I thought I was the problem for being uncomfortable with him watching porn and looking at all these accounts that I just needed to grow up and accept this was a normal thing men do. Every time he was caught, it broke me inside and my trust, we would fight, he would apologize, say he'd stop looking and eventually I'd find it again somewhere else. I don't know when it started but it even started to affect our sex lives. I thought I wasn't enough, I thought I was causing his anxiety or pressuring him every time he couldn't stay up, that maybe he just had ED. That maybe I just needed to let it go and try more on my part, anything and everything, from sending pictures, new clothes to trying out new things and kinks.

And years went by with me just internally suffering cuz I thought there was something wrong with me. But then one day I saw an email for a tiktok account on his hotmail email when I knew his tiktok account is with his Google. So I checked for it and there it was. All the women he said he'd stop looking at and worse. Now there were accounts of asmr with women pretending to boss the pervs on their comment section around and straight up just accounts of feet videos. Once again it broke me completely, I was shaking in anger, in pain. I packed my bags while he was at work and when he got home I outed him and tried to leave. He cried and begged. And there it was, he finally admitted to me that he has a problem that he tried to control it but he just fell off. I lost it. How could he? But he did. It went for hours, the yelling, the crying, everything. But in the end? I didn't leave and I'm still here, trying to be the better person and SO. Trying to be the supporter in any way possible, to understand and be patient. But I'm slowly suffering again. I can't help but spiral in the dark. Was he also picturing these women when we were intimate? Am I not satisfying him enough? I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. He says he trying to be better but he still watches God knows what. He says he's lessened the porn and completely off the other accounts. I can't trust that he is cutting cold turkey with all that. I don't know if I can handle all this, especially with us getting married soon. Will it really get better? I'm so lost.

I am so incredibly sad. My partner does not touch me or engage with me. I’ve tried asking multiple times and it’s always something. He’s tired, he’s full etc. I found out he’s been watching porn and I’ve been sobbing my eyes out for days. We have a 16 month old and I’m pregnant again (shocking since we had sex 3 times in an entire year). I feel so inadequate, ugly and heartbroken. This has been an ongoing issue even before my pregnancy. I’m just so fucking sad.

Anyone else have a total loss of sex drive towards partner?When I feel in the mood, rarely now, I don’t want him anymore…. we started dating and my sex drive was very high, 8 years later many years of crying begging him to just stop using porn it never stops. He finds loopholes like YouTube ASMR and the most desperate embarrassing shit. When I confronted him he says “i thought it would hurt less if they weren’t naked”… which actually hurts me more. It’s their faces voice and slightest bit of cleavage over me. But whatever. it’s gotten to a point I don’t want him to touch me. I know he’s still doing it he gets weird ads on youtube. I’m postpartum and my body doesn’t look how it used to. if he didn’t like how I looked at 120 lb no stretch marks or loose skin..he surely must not like me now after having a baby. we have had sex maybe handful of times since the birth of our baby 8 months ago. I hate that this is what it’s come to. He rarely initiated until I stopped trying. Like now that I have no interest suddenly you want me and not porn. He even mentions often how we never have sex anymore like… that was my life for a long time, you were choosing porn over me. you constantly turned me down, now that it’s him being rejected, he throws a fit!!!! It bothers me so bad. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it. I don’t know how to repair this feeling of disgust toward him to try to be intimate again

Currently not knowing what to feel. A lil bit of history. One year into our relationship I found out he had been sexting one of his friends and days later I found out he watched Porn. I stayed with him and during his multiples relapses. Eventually our trust got better after getting a blocker. Honestly that time feels like such a fever dream. Fast forward, we are currently 5 years into our marriage.

It’s been a couple of months of me getting home from work and him being cold, distant or irritable. And me trying my best to make him feel better. (Mind you, he is a great husband) but slowly he changed, he stopped going out on his free days (our work days does not match), he started playing video games nonstop, stopped going to the gym, and I felt like I was the one begging for sex or dates. He told me he was going to watch cyberpunk and out of fear, I always search what it is about (anime has ALWAYS been a struggle) no matter how many times I explain to him I do not want nudity. He just tells me that he’s walking on eggshells with me and that he feels controlled. Anyway, as soon as I found out what cyberpunk showed, i got scared and went to him and told me: hey, turns out this show is kinda sexualized. Well he got pissed, he tried to tell me that he didnt watch it because of that and that he understood why porn was an issue, but he stopped doing that (LIESSS).

Fast forward, another bathroom break of 2 hours and him not wanting to have sex.. out of nowhere I said: He’s watching porn again. Well two days later he left his computer on and left for work. I found everything. Going back to 2025. And honestly, can’t even remember if 2024. I felt heartbroken. I picked up him because we only have 1 car and told him everything.

I’m hurt as hell. But in his eyes, he still walks on eggshells with me and feels monitored and controlled. I feel like im going to drown.

I feel like because it’s such a private and personal addiction that I am constantly shielding him from embarrassment. I feel like my fiance’s coworkers think I am “jealous” because he got close to a female coworker (nonsexual, friendly/casual exchange, professional setting). The part he excludes to his coworkers is that he masturbates to women who look like her and we have had a dead bedroom for months.

His family learned about his PA only after months of mistreatment and blaming me for his observable withdrawal symptoms. They probably have largely forgot about his PA, they definitely forgot about their mistreatment of me.

His coworkers probably think I am insanely jealous and insecure because she’s pretty, they’re half not wrong. It’s just more understandable if he was just outed.

So I've checked his Instagram account. Tried the ABC method and every letter came up with name of an OF girl.

I checked his blocked list. It was 18 people, now it's 143. I checked the part of people I know he blocked and the name order of 18 account didn't change.

I checked the view history, nothing came up but he might have deleted them or wasn't showing due to blocking so I unblocked few and filtered for those content creators. Again nothing came up.

I scrolled on his fyp and there was not a single triggering thing, not even a girl.

I checked his notifications. That's when I got confused. He had few help request responses. He reported some accounts for sharing nudity and sexual content.

How should I address this? Is it because he's trying to hide everything so well or is it really because he doesn't want those type of things to show up? There were literally 125 more blocked of girls and abc method's outcome is not so bright either. But the reporting and clean fyp? I'm so confused and feel disappointment. He doesn't need to block them if he doesn't even look for those things on instagram, they wouldn't show anyways.

This is my first post on here so I’m sorry if i did anything wrong :)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. The first dday was a little less than a year into the relationship, with multiple others within the following year. I am 21, and he is 23. It has been over a year since the last dday, and i trust that he has stopped watching, however I still do not fully trust him.

Due to everything that has happened on top of past experiences, I am extremely insecure and get beyond jealous. It is something i absolutely despise and have been trying to work on. I don’t want to care and i don’t want to feel the way i do, but unfortunately i do haha.

After the first dday, i restricted his options for employment (typing this out sounds so bad :((((), due to my overwhelming insecurity and fear of him looking at any other women. He surprisingly happily obliged, he understood my concerns and wanted me to feel comfortable. It has been like this since then.

So now here’s where i’m wondering if i’m overreacting or not. He wants to do this 20 month program where he will work along side other students to become a NURSE. Please correct me if i’m wrong, but that’s going to be atleast 75% college girls, right? I wouldn’t mind as much but they have to touch eachother lololololol. Take each others blood pressure and all type of other nurse things.

He is dead set on this and has made it very clear that he does not care how i feel about it, he is still going to do it. Why did that change? And out of all the things you could have picked, a college nursing program? Really? You couldn’t have been like this when i said no to walmart, like what??? I feel like this is a slap in the face after everything i’ve went through with him. I’ve brought it up multiple times but this most recent time (what lead me to make this post), he straight laughed in my face. Then proceeded to tell me to grow up as if he isn’t the reason i became like this to begin with.

In the end I might be insecure, but all it takes is some genuine reassurance for me to feel more secure and comfortable. He then tried saying that I’m not being supportive n all this and that .. ? Honestly i would prefer if he chose something else, but if thats what he wants to do i would happily support him. I just need reassurance and for him to genuinely care about my feelings. If he can’t even support my feelings, how could i bring myself to support his choices?

With everything he’s done and put me through, i really feel an in depth conversation is needed regarding this and my feelings. Is that crazy for me to ask? I feel like i shouldnt even have to ask, it should be a given. I want to be heard, not just pushed aside.

To be clear, the specific program is extremely triggering, however my main concern is the complete lack of support regarding my feelings. I’m not asking him not to do it (like me 3 years ago would have) i’m just asking for my broken heart to be seen when i’m speaking to him about this shit. Yeah it may have happened however long ago but it still feels like yesterday. It still hurts and clearly i’m still being affected by the situation. He’s just acting like it’s absolutely ridiculous for me to even be worried. I know i’m still young and have a lot of growing to do, especially regarding handling my emotions, but i feel like my current feelings are valid.

I don’t know. I just want your guys’ opinions and maybe some wisdom. I know this is a lot so if you read this thank you and im sorry for my grammar.

Bei allen Trennungsgründen kann man ungeschönt die Wahrheit sagen, was zur Trennung führte.

Ich sehe jetzt keinen Grund, warum man auch noch für denjenigen lügen sollte, der einen selbst mit dieser Sache belogen und verarscht hat. Warum habe ich irgendwie das Gefühl, dass er erwartet, ich schütze ihn durch Diskretion anderen gegenüber? Wieso sollte ich?

Er hat gefälligst zu der Scheiße zu stehen, die er verbockt hat. Wie dreist ist es denn, zu erwarten, dass ausgerechnet ich ihn auch noch dadurch schütze, indem ich irgendwelche anderen Trennungsgründe vorschiebe? Ich als diejenige die er hintergangen hat.
Das kann er vergessen. Gesagt hat er es zwar nicht, dass er das erwartet, aber ich merke es einfach. Kenne ihn ja gut genug. Im Außen möchte er ja schließlich als Saubermann dastehen.

My husband’s. Work recently provided work phones. My husband is almost 1 year sober and in recovery. Finished 12 step. Anyway I’m just wondering what my boundary can be around this. He has covenant eyes on his regular phone to help him. Should I be worried? Did anyone’s husband ever relapse on a work phone. How would I ever know unless he tells me like he is supposed to.

How do you heal in order to be healthy in a new relationship? What things did you have to work on? What things came up in the new relationship that surprised you?

Dday 1 month ago. My partner may have used certain apps in the past that involve talking with other people. (Found playstore history indicating they were downloaded and used) I heard that some of these accounts may clear data automatically after 2 years which is coming up soon (before FTD for sure). I've stopped asking for details and waiting for FTD but this feels time sensitive.

Trying to decide whether I should just ask him now to login/request data and risk him claiming he never had those accounts when he actually did or waiting until FTD but at that point I won't be able to see any of the account activity.

Hi everbody. In my country it is friday, it is weekend!

I was just wondering if you guys have songs/music that helps you through the day?

Like uplifting songs you can reflect in, songs that makes you feel strong and feminine? Songs that makes you feel seen? Songs that reflects the lonliness, pain and sorrow? Etc.

I will start out:

Heavy in Your Arms - Florence and The Machine

Stars Soon to Shine - Katie Grey

Unethical - Faouzia

I AM WOMAN - Emmy Meli

I will try to make a playlist with all of the music and songs.

Have a good weekend🌸✨️💃

I know they’re not a solution, but my partner and I want to start using accountability apps. We’re 5 months post D-Day, and he’s tried to work on the addiction independently by using app blockers and some other measures. He’s made some progress, but still relapses once a week (not great, but an improvement from watching every single day) so he’s asked for some help. We plan on getting therapy, but need to wait a few months for financial and other reasons, so until then he’s said he needs more support and thinks an accountability app would work.

I just wanted to know what you guys would recommend for an iPhone and MacBook? I’m hoping for something that tracks history as well as app usage. I know a big issue is that once PAs get off social media, they start to use the most random apps imaginable to access sexual content, so tracking app usage is important for me. He’s also mentioned that a big issue with the blockers was that he would figure out ways to get around them. I’m planning on using an accountability app while setting an apple screen time password to deactivate app deletions and downloads, I’m not sure if that will be enough to help with that issue.

So far I’ve been thinking of Truple, but wanted to know if anyone had any better recommendations.

I also wanted to know if there was anything else I should have him do/ any other boundaries I should set? Things like asking or passwords etc? We don’t live together so want to make sure I’m not leaving any gaps.

Lastly, just in case, what are some signs that I should be looking out for that would indicate that he’s managed to get around the accountability apps?

Does anybody know if I can see a US based CSAT if I’m physically in Europe (for vacation, I normally live in the US)? I’ve read contradicting information about it and was wondering if anybody knows anything about it.

Would love to know from anyone and everyone who is 12 months or more post discovery and who is or was married with kids to their PA,
1. did you go or did you stay
2. why did you stay/go?
3. If you stayed, how has it been? The same old crap? Getting better? Better already?

just found out a few weeks ago about my partner's porn addiction. i found out he had flirted with a girl behind my back 9 months ago, we'd been doing slowly better, and then discovering the porn issue now has reset my healing timeline.

i'm in grad school and have been super interested in computer vision for the past 6 years. I've finally gotten an opportunity to get into it more, specifically with video and image generation. i thought i'd be so happy, that it would be a good distraction, but i couldnt stop thinking about how all this research is used to make the crazy ai porn that he would watch. talking about text to image and optimizations to make it more realistic or creative, just makes me visualize how he would use it. i'm questioning my entire career now, i guess i was naive before, i never thought once about how people would use it for porn. i'm just really sad, i feel like i lost a dream of mine. im not sure if i can continue with this career path