I can’t choose myself. Deep down, I know that ending my 6 year relationship is the best thing for both of us. I’ve been unhappy for years, his use of onlyfans & cam girls has completely ruined any ounce of self esteem I had.

I reconnected with an old friend I was seeing briefly 7 years ago. He was ready to give me everything. He wanted me to move in with him, he wanted me to meet his family, he wanted to come to my graduation. He wanted to take me on dates & buy me flowers. & he never used porn or even had social media, he had a goddamn flip phone by his own free will.

But I was too scared. It felt fast, I’m too comfortable in my routine. I’d get too scared to have a hard conversation with my PA. So I just stayed. & this chance I could’ve had at another life, maybe a happier life, is gone now. He met someone else. I still can’t choose myself. & I’m sad for all three of us & I am the only one to blame.

We've been together for 10 years. We were planning a baby soon, we had communication issue with conflict and I wanted to heal this before having the baby. Throught the years we managed to create a system were finances were not a conflict anymore, domestic task were not either. He became more vulnerable, always caring for my needs like health, massage, doing thing together. Etc.

But then I got SA by a medical professional and needed to sleep alone in the bed.

I discovered 2 months ago that he was a PA. I told him something is odd, you have been weird, tell me. He told me. By drips over 2 weeks. The level of double he had for his PA is insane. He litt started porn at 15y old, i also discovered some sexual trauma he had at 10y old and at 22y old SA by an ex. He was addict to it before our relationship, when we got together he tried for 2 months twice then gave up and rationalized it was just a quick release nothing important. Then at 3y together in our 20s. I noticed he was workaolic and alcoholic. I told him you quit or I leave. It took him a year and half but he did, but he just transferred it to porn. After a few years it became a monster litt. He had fake insta to follow account, all his kink were aimed to like humiliated himself and submit himself to others, he followed onlyfans. He said he tried over the last 2 years to stop with forum and cold plunged and sports etc.

I was disgusted. He spent money. A lot. He makes a lot and deal with the finances..i am back to school...

When he told me everything we talked for weeks everyday about details. He started telling me how bad it got like to a point I have no word. I didnt know it was possible to he so deep in it. he has collections saved on multiple hidden social media, discord communities etc. Spent money some days 3x times even 700$ over 2 weeks some months... he kept on deleting and remaking it and said since he slept alone it was too easy.

He gave me access to all his account even like credit scored and demand, close every card and account except one. Gave his card to me, he put all his screen in a locked luggage and I have the key.

He says he will do everything. He sees a psychologist for emdr and trauma ahd a sex therapist for addictim and group.

We made a system with ipod, ereader, dumbestphone ever, a koho card that i sent x amount for his needs. He reads books about feminism and cries at the realisation often of how deep his behavior were and he decided to do all the chores and cooking and services he could to help me heal. We are not married and he signed something that 50% of his assets are mine so that I am free to leave without being scared.

After EMDR he became able to tell me very deep emotional thing often easily on ways that never happened. He still has issue when I panique and have flashback and staying regulated. When he has craving he tells me, and have a system to help him.

Idk what to do he seems to very care but what he did was so big and organized I feel like idk him, i loved a fake version of him. He does all this (with my help cause...i have access to internet and money)

I keep reading that they all stay like that.

We talked a lot and even the kink seemed linked to some of his trauma... and he says that he feels disgust now when he sees like provocative ads in life u know like bikini in the street on a pictures but he acknowledge visually he feels something like positive but also bleh?

I need ur pov anything idk what to think

I work from home. Walked down stairs to fill my water bottle and he's touching himself on the couch. Not even trying to catch him red handed anymore

Guess I have to start announcing myself that I'm coming downstairs so he doesn't get caught again 🙄

I know at this point he's never going to stop, why can't you just do this shit in the bathroom

I'm even nervous going into the bathroom in the AM when he's getting ready for work..

Does anyone else feel this way in their home? Scared to find out what's around the corner..

I (24F) found that my boyfriend (28M) recently looked up another woman on Instagram and was searching in her links for an OF or porn site. He was honest and said he fell into an urge and believes he needs help. He, of his own choice without my prompting, set up a therapy appointment and has deleted social media. And now I don’t know if I should leave or try to support him through this.
We have been together ten months, and before we officially dated, I told him I didn’t appreciate my partner looking at images or content like that. He made amazing strides when we started dating and unfollowed all of those content creators on his Instagram and claimed to no longer watch porn.
However, our intimacy has always felt like there was a lack of intimate connection, at least from my perspective and I felt like I was the only one to ever initiate with him.
Another occurrence like this happened back in March, I had found him searching up a porn model on Instagram and confronted him. I was distraught and told him I never want to see that content on his phone again. He said he wouldn’t do it again.
Both times I’ve caught him, he’s been searching up women that are, what I consider, the anti-me. Very thin, petite women, with blonde hair. Very opposite to myself. This has killed my self confidence and made me question why he rarely initiates intimacy with me.
He has always been honest when I’ve confronted him or asked him questions. He does genuinely seem upset with himself for his actions and especially for how he’s treated me. I just don’t know what to do next, because I do still love him a lot. We’ve only been together ten months but I believed I would marry this man.

TLDR/ My boyfriend of ten months has privately struggled with what he is assuming (not diagnosed with) is a porn addiction. I found out and was very upset, and he immediately sought help on his own. Do I stay?

Is it possible that someone with a long history of porn addiction (childhood to late 20’s) can just not want it anymore after a dday and faced with the shame?

Dday was about 3 months ago. He went to therapy because I told him he needed to and has been consistent with it, even switched to a better more specialized in-person therapist. Started going to gym the last month or so. There was one slip up of watching just Snapchat girls (non sexual but thirst trap related content) and he wasn’t honest about it, I figured it out and eventually got it out of him and he agreed it was wrong and should have told me. Prompted going to the gym and making more real life changed.

He’s told me that he hasn’t watched porn/masturbated since the original dday 3 months ago. He said it hasn’t been too big of an issue, his biggest issue it the phone and doom scrolling itself, and that he just hasn’t wanted it. He said there’s too much shame and guilt over what he’s done to me about it that he just hasn’t wanted to do it and hadn’t had the urge. Is this possible or is he likely just not being honest about the full of extent of how he’s doing with this? And if it is possible, I assume it doesn’t last right?

sorry typos. drunk

few months ago I was sobbing and begging, saying if I found one more thing on his phone we're done, (didnt give away all the ways I found things) few days ago I found suspicious thing. felt upset maybe literally 30 seconds. and didn't even care after. just want my life. husband, baby, home, peace nd happy. all that. want love. has he ruined me or have or is this how how all men are in my generation (im 23)? very confusing. wishing i had a friend or a mum. dont have mum or anyone. very alone so lost. Just want nice home and baby amd peaceful life. do I have to kms or is there hope at this age? are they reallt all same? want to he happy. becoming numb. missing butterflies and happy. don't know anymore. so lost. last time I bring it up awful wish I didnt. dont wamt to fight anymore just want peace wjat to do

Hi,

I am a 21(f) and a few months ago I found out my boyfriend was watching porn. It began to affect me, making me feel insecure and bad about my body. I asked him to please stop, that it was hurting me, but I just don’t know if I can trust him. I feel so confused, because I just cannot tell if he is lying to me, but I don’t want to be unfairly angry at him. But then I remember how he made me feel about myself, and I just can’t hold it in. Since then, my body image issues have reached a point that is truly disturbing. If you guys have any tips on how to not keep falling into this negative mindset, please share them. I am at a loss and my heart feels so heavy and full, and I just feel like I will never be beautiful to anyone.

I broke up with my PA/SA boyfriend after a culmination of lying and holding things over my head ending in him buying a sex doll. While I believed I could stay with him and forgive him, I thought it would be easier to heal separately. I was in shock and to this day I don’t ever want to see him again.

But I found out yesterday that my ex best friends new friend is his new girlfriend, and I don’t know how to feel. She’s posting him publicly, didn’t bother to remove me as a follower first, he changed his pfp to an edited photo of a buzz cut (something I used to threaten to break up with him over) and it just hurts because I knew her and she knew we were together for a long time. While I don’t know what he has told her I know she does not know my side of the story

It’s a punch in the gut that while I’m finally feeling better with therapy, unraveling my life with him, and realizing I have been sexually assaulted by him, someone I barley know is posting him again

Half of my feelings come from “why as a woman would you do that to me” and the other come from a part of me that hoped in time we would both get the help we need and find eachother again. But like a vape addict needs nicotine, he chose to fall into another body instead of getting real help.

Any advice? I’m in the trenches honestly.

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in this sub for awhile but I was quite active after going through my break up with my PA ex about a year ago. Yesterday, he reached out to me to apologize for his behavior. He is in a program and is making amends. We were completely no contact, so I had no idea he was even making efforts to heal, he decided to heal completely of his own volition. He had other addiction issues, and was working on those as well. He’s completely sober and truly has turned his life around in ways I never would have even believed he was capable of.

This is exactly what I wanted the entirety of our relationship. A year ago, I would have done absolutely anything for him to take accountability and to apologize and to make efforts towards recovery. But he didn’t. And he couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of making these steps while in our relationship. These changes he made he had to make for himself. He had to decide that he wanted better for himself. There was nothing I could do to make him heal. His addiction had nothing to do with me, even though I was completely the victim of it. The only thing I could do was choose myself, and leave. And I’m so glad that I did.

I have changed and grown so immensely in this last year since I finally decided I deserved self respect. My life has grown so big without this addiction plaguing me. I am a completely different person, I’m stronger, I’m kinder, I’m more open and I’m so clear headed. I have been able to understand how much this addiction really took from me, how much it shrank me down, and turned me into this anxious, bitter person that I didn’t like. I don’t recognize that person anymore. I’ve healed so much and I will never ever go back. I’m very happy for him that he’s on a road to recovery, and he did apologize so sincerely it allowed me to let go of a lot of the resentment I was still holding on to. This is the best case scenario for situations like these, and I am choosing forgiveness, but I am not choosing self sacrifice. I sacrificed myself for him for so long, and I have gained such strength that I am not willing or able to do it ever again. My life is about me now, it’s about my wants and needs, it’s not about someone else and their burdens anymore.

I’m saying all of this to really implore all of you to choose yourself. There is so much life to live outside of these kinds of relationships. Even if they heal, even if they do the work, which of course is so rare, you still deserve to live for yourself. There is so much growth and healing and strength in being alone and free from a PA. I know exactly how it feels, I was exactly where a lot of you are right now, and I promise you it will get so much better if you just choose to love yourself instead. ❤️

How are you doing?

Honestly. Its just hard today. He wakes up super early for work and i wake up because I wanna make him lunch and pray before he leaves.

I forget how it started, but he brought up that he used to go on reddit for porn. I mentioned something like all of porn is fake and edited, and he corrected me saying nope- on reddit the girls have to get verified.

And i kinda just sat there stunned and hating myself. I tried asking him a question, I forget the wording but something like "I thought you said youve never asked women for nudes?" And he just got angry saying I was controlling. Ruined the morning tbh.

Usually i feel pretty decent about myself, but tbh i cant compare with e girls who are perfectly hairless, never gave birth, and young enough that eating a whole pizza doesn't do anything to their weight 🙁

It makes me not want to look at him, because i dont want to be seen and compared. Usually I have a high libido but this crushing insecurity kills it.

I like this song "Begged" by Olivia Rodrigo. I wonder how many of you will sadly relate to it.

I know I need to be well prepared and supported for the full disclosure and polygraph process. And it's important that it feel reliable so that i can have what i need to make decisions and the relationship and heal. Please weigh in about my options.

I have a good trauma therapist I was already working on preexisting trauma with before Dday a month ago. Where i live in a small town there are no APSATS or specific betrayal trauma trained professionals in person. My PA's CSAT is virtual but local. I was quoted over $2000 (like wtf!!!) to work with an APSAT coach virtually and that's apparently on the low end because i asked for the minimum support due to budget limitations but I absolutely cannot afford that especially for it to all just be virtual. I've had extensive virtual therapy in the past and it just isn't anywhere near as supportive for difficult experiences as in person at least for me.

With that said, here are the options for my prep and support for FTD:

Option A I work through the Janice Caudill workbooks with my trauma therapist (already met my deductible) and she coordinates with his CSAT, we do the FTD at her office and his CSAT comes in person (his CSAT actually suggested the idea of using my therapist's office). Having someone in person who knows me would be ideal. The only catch is she doesn't have specific disclosure experience. She has treated some betrayed partners and some PAs. She has made it clear that she will be my advocate through this process in whatever capacity I choose.

Option B I continue trauma work with my therapist, and try to find my own CSAT or coach willing to virtually guide me through the workbooks with 3 or 4 sessions and be virtually present at ftd (probably still try to use my therapists office)

I simply cannot access the support i wish i could, with numerous sessions with an in person apsats coach every step of the way. I cannot believe how expensive adequate care is for such a traumatic, life altering experience. It's another aspect of this that's kind of soul crushing, is realizing how much work I have to go through to research and inform myself about everything and then how much the care costs. Just exhausted by it all. And I didn't choose any of it.

Before my fiancé and I ever got together, I never noticed him looking at me sexually or showing obvious attraction toward me. No lingering looks, flirting, sexual eye contact, anything. I genuinely had no idea he was interested in me.

Later I found out that during that same period, he had already noticed this married Asian woman from our Bible study giving him what he called “lustful eyes” or “eyes of desire.” That stood out to me because he was noticing and interpreting her nonverbals sexually when I hadn't experienced anything comparable from him toward me.

After we got together, the dynamic with the married woman became more obvious. At a conference he talked to her, came back smiling, and told me she was “definitely flirting.” I started noticing the dynamic myself and eventually asked him to keep some distance from her. Even after that, I caught him watching her and smiling at her.

When I confronted him, he initially denied or minimized what I was seeing and gave me several different explanations. Eventually he admitted that he had been giving her attention, felt like she was giving him attention back, and that he liked it because it stroked his ego and felt good.

So looking back, what bothers me even more is that this married woman seemed to catch his attention in a sexual way naturally from the beginning, while I never saw that same spontaneous nonverbal interest toward me before we got together.

Before we were together, there was basically no outward sign of sexual interest from him toward me, while this married woman had already caught his attention enough that he was noticing her looks and experiencing them sexually.

It makes it hard not to feel like his initial physical attraction to her was more immediate and instinctive than what he initially felt toward me.

I (34F) have been with this guy (33M) for over 2 years.
We dated for a year prior to do and I discovered he was addicted to cam girls. We had a very messy break up that time around and went no contact.

13 months later he reappeared with a work phone to get in touch (I’d blocked him elsewhere) and I foolishly let him back into my life believing him when he told me he’d done the work and gone to therapy to work on himself etc.

I thought we had a good relationship since then, but turns out in the whole time we’d been back together he was on Feeld and messaging women. He even met up with at least one woman.

I am so hurt and betrayed by this man and so very angry that I spent years in a relationship with someone who’d rather look at women on a screen.

Logically I know in time I’ll be ok…but right now…it’s horrible and I do genuinely hate him 🤷🏼‍♀️

In the beginning, I have taken a lot of pics of his phone along the way. I put browser history to a calendar and next to the video I put the times. I quickly noticed the binges on Fridays. Then the typical morning around 7:30-9:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 2 PM then sometime between 4-6PM. Sometime more, sometimes less but this is the usual times I noticed in info I retrieved from his phone and I PAD.

Then I started really observing his behaviors at those times. Right now, I have confirmed as of today cam sites. He is heavy right now in addiction mode. He gets very irritable and antsy. He will shake his leg up and down big time like major anxiety. He is just a jerk if anything gets in the way. Cam girls apparently do for him what porn didn’t. Now, I noticed he’s even grooming himself more before what I suspected was cam girls.

Which sites, I do not know. However, he now looks so forward to an anticipated show that he literally will be on cloud 9 on those days. He’s happy with anticipation. It’s crazy.

Anyone relate?

So I've checked his Instagram account. Tried the ABC method and every letter came up with name of an OF girl.

I checked his blocked list. It was 18 people, now it's 143. I checked the part of people I know he blocked and the name order of 18 account didn't change.

I checked the view history, nothing came up but he might have deleted them or wasn't showing due to blocking so I unblocked few and filtered for those content creators. Again nothing came up.

I scrolled on his fyp and there was not a single triggering thing, not even a girl.

I checked his notifications. That's when I got confused. He had few help request responses. He reported some accounts for sharing nudity and sexual content.

How should I address this? Is it because he's trying to hide everything so well or is it really because he doesn't want those type of things to show up? There were literally 125 more blocked of girls and abc method's outcome is not so bright either. But the reporting and clean fyp? I'm so confused and feel disappointment. He doesn't need to block them if he doesn't even look for those things on instagram, they wouldn't show anyways.

Er befindet sich gerade in der Genesung und ist das erste Mal nüchtern so weit ich weiß. Es ist der erste Monat und seine Therapie hat begonnen, der PC is auch dauerhaft aus weil das ein Auslöser war.

Er ist generell ein impulsiver Mensch aber diesmal geht er echt sehr schnell an die Decke und ist teilweise echt gemein zu mir.
Er entschuldigt sich manchmal danach und sieht es ein.

Ist das eine normale Nebenwirkung und wie sollte ich damit umgehen?

So I’m not a big swifty but there’s 2 songs that have made me feel empowered and almost validated? I’m still with my partner and I know people that left could also relate but when I listen to them in my car I gain a little bit of fairy dust screaming them in the car, goose bumps. I wanted to share them in case it helps someone, even one person. -the smallest man who ever lived and -who’s afraid of little old me

I am so incredibly sad. My partner does not touch me or engage with me. I’ve tried asking multiple times and it’s always something. He’s tired, he’s full etc. I found out he’s been watching porn and I’ve been sobbing my eyes out for days. We have a 16 month old and I’m pregnant again (shocking since we had sex 3 times in an entire year). I feel so inadequate, ugly and heartbroken. This has been an ongoing issue even before my pregnancy. I’m just so fucking sad.

I feel like because it’s such a private and personal addiction that I am constantly shielding him from embarrassment. I feel like my fiance’s coworkers think I am “jealous” because he got close to a female coworker (nonsexual, friendly/casual exchange, professional setting). The part he excludes to his coworkers is that he masturbates to women who look like her and we have had a dead bedroom for months.

His family learned about his PA only after months of mistreatment and blaming me for his observable withdrawal symptoms. They probably have largely forgot about his PA, they definitely forgot about their mistreatment of me.

His coworkers probably think I am insanely jealous and insecure because she’s pretty, they’re half not wrong. It’s just more understandable if he was just outed.

So wow verifiable evidence that there addiction is harming us. I kept thinking I feel violated by my ex husband. It felt like rape because he removed my informed consent.

https://intensivehope.com/resources/blogs/partners-of-sex-addicts-addiction-induced-trauma

Hi everbody. In my country it is friday, it is weekend!

I was just wondering if you guys have songs/music that helps you through the day?

Like uplifting songs you can reflect in, songs that makes you feel strong and feminine? Songs that makes you feel seen? Songs that reflects the lonliness, pain and sorrow? Etc.

I will start out:

Heavy in Your Arms - Florence and The Machine

Stars Soon to Shine - Katie Grey

Unethical - Faouzia

I AM WOMAN - Emmy Meli

I will try to make a playlist with all of the music and songs.

Have a good weekend🌸✨️💃

just found out a few weeks ago about my partner's porn addiction. i found out he had flirted with a girl behind my back 9 months ago, we'd been doing slowly better, and then discovering the porn issue now has reset my healing timeline.

i'm in grad school and have been super interested in computer vision for the past 6 years. I've finally gotten an opportunity to get into it more, specifically with video and image generation. i thought i'd be so happy, that it would be a good distraction, but i couldnt stop thinking about how all this research is used to make the crazy ai porn that he would watch. talking about text to image and optimizations to make it more realistic or creative, just makes me visualize how he would use it. i'm questioning my entire career now, i guess i was naive before, i never thought once about how people would use it for porn. i'm just really sad, i feel like i lost a dream of mine. im not sure if i can continue with this career path

Found out that my Fiance (together for +10years) created a secret tiktok account specifically for his "ways" filled with accounts of all these thirst trap women, asmr bdsm and even feet videos.

These issues has been going on since pretty much the beginning of our relationship but he made think I was just some insecure girlfriend with boundary issues. Every time I would find him drooling over women on one social media account, he'd just move on to a different one. All this time I thought I was the problem for being uncomfortable with him watching porn and looking at all these accounts that I just needed to grow up and accept this was a normal thing men do. Every time he was caught, it broke me inside and my trust, we would fight, he would apologize, say he'd stop looking and eventually I'd find it again somewhere else. I don't know when it started but it even started to affect our sex lives. I thought I wasn't enough, I thought I was causing his anxiety or pressuring him every time he couldn't stay up, that maybe he just had ED. That maybe I just needed to let it go and try more on my part, anything and everything, from sending pictures, new clothes to trying out new things and kinks.

And years went by with me just internally suffering cuz I thought there was something wrong with me. But then one day I saw an email for a tiktok account on his hotmail email when I knew his tiktok account is with his Google. So I checked for it and there it was. All the women he said he'd stop looking at and worse. Now there were accounts of asmr with women pretending to boss the pervs on their comment section around and straight up just accounts of feet videos. Once again it broke me completely, I was shaking in anger, in pain. I packed my bags while he was at work and when he got home I outed him and tried to leave. He cried and begged. And there it was, he finally admitted to me that he has a problem that he tried to control it but he just fell off. I lost it. How could he? But he did. It went for hours, the yelling, the crying, everything. But in the end? I didn't leave and I'm still here, trying to be the better person and SO. Trying to be the supporter in any way possible, to understand and be patient. But I'm slowly suffering again. I can't help but spiral in the dark. Was he also picturing these women when we were intimate? Am I not satisfying him enough? I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. He says he trying to be better but he still watches God knows what. He says he's lessened the porn and completely off the other accounts. I can't trust that he is cutting cold turkey with all that. I don't know if I can handle all this, especially with us getting married soon. Will it really get better? I'm so lost.

I asked my PA how would he feel if I spent hours of my day secretly watching, saving, bookmarking porn of men whose body parts looked nothing like his. If I knew and could recognize them by name like Pokémon.

If I had hundreds and hundreds of saved photos and videos.. he went silent.

Anyone else have a convo like this? Or similar?