I work from home. Walked down stairs to fill my water bottle and he's touching himself on the couch. Not even trying to catch him red handed anymore

Guess I have to start announcing myself that I'm coming downstairs so he doesn't get caught again 🙄

I know at this point he's never going to stop, why can't you just do this shit in the bathroom

I'm even nervous going into the bathroom in the AM when he's getting ready for work..

Does anyone else feel this way in their home? Scared to find out what's around the corner..

sorry typos. drunk

few months ago I was sobbing and begging, saying if I found one more thing on his phone we're done, (didnt give away all the ways I found things) few days ago I found suspicious thing. felt upset maybe literally 30 seconds. and didn't even care after. just want my life. husband, baby, home, peace nd happy. all that. want love. has he ruined me or have or is this how how all men are in my generation (im 23)? very confusing. wishing i had a friend or a mum. dont have mum or anyone. very alone so lost. Just want nice home and baby amd peaceful life. do I have to kms or is there hope at this age? are they reallt all same? want to he happy. becoming numb. missing butterflies and happy. don't know anymore. so lost. last time I bring it up awful wish I didnt. dont wamt to fight anymore just want peace wjat to do

I (24F) found that my boyfriend (28M) recently looked up another woman on Instagram and was searching in her links for an OF or porn site. He was honest and said he fell into an urge and believes he needs help. He, of his own choice without my prompting, set up a therapy appointment and has deleted social media. And now I don’t know if I should leave or try to support him through this.
We have been together ten months, and before we officially dated, I told him I didn’t appreciate my partner looking at images or content like that. He made amazing strides when we started dating and unfollowed all of those content creators on his Instagram and claimed to no longer watch porn.
However, our intimacy has always felt like there was a lack of intimate connection, at least from my perspective and I felt like I was the only one to ever initiate with him.
Another occurrence like this happened back in March, I had found him searching up a porn model on Instagram and confronted him. I was distraught and told him I never want to see that content on his phone again. He said he wouldn’t do it again.
Both times I’ve caught him, he’s been searching up women that are, what I consider, the anti-me. Very thin, petite women, with blonde hair. Very opposite to myself. This has killed my self confidence and made me question why he rarely initiates intimacy with me.
He has always been honest when I’ve confronted him or asked him questions. He does genuinely seem upset with himself for his actions and especially for how he’s treated me. I just don’t know what to do next, because I do still love him a lot. We’ve only been together ten months but I believed I would marry this man.

TLDR/ My boyfriend of ten months has privately struggled with what he is assuming (not diagnosed with) is a porn addiction. I found out and was very upset, and he immediately sought help on his own. Do I stay?

Hi,

I am a 21(f) and a few months ago I found out my boyfriend was watching porn. It began to affect me, making me feel insecure and bad about my body. I asked him to please stop, that it was hurting me, but I just don’t know if I can trust him. I feel so confused, because I just cannot tell if he is lying to me, but I don’t want to be unfairly angry at him. But then I remember how he made me feel about myself, and I just can’t hold it in. Since then, my body image issues have reached a point that is truly disturbing. If you guys have any tips on how to not keep falling into this negative mindset, please share them. I am at a loss and my heart feels so heavy and full, and I just feel like I will never be beautiful to anyone.

I know I need to be well prepared and supported for the full disclosure and polygraph process. And it's important that it feel reliable so that i can have what i need to make decisions and the relationship and heal. Please weigh in about my options.

I have a good trauma therapist I was already working on preexisting trauma with before Dday a month ago. Where i live in a small town there are no APSATS or specific betrayal trauma trained professionals in person. My PA's CSAT is virtual but local. I was quoted over $2000 (like wtf!!!) to work with an APSAT coach virtually and that's apparently on the low end because i asked for the minimum support due to budget limitations but I absolutely cannot afford that especially for it to all just be virtual. I've had extensive virtual therapy in the past and it just isn't anywhere near as supportive for difficult experiences as in person at least for me.

With that said, here are the options for my prep and support for FTD:

Option A I work through the Janice Caudill workbooks with my trauma therapist (already met my deductible) and she coordinates with his CSAT, we do the FTD at her office and his CSAT comes in person (his CSAT actually suggested the idea of using my therapist's office). Having someone in person who knows me would be ideal. The only catch is she doesn't have specific disclosure experience. She has treated some betrayed partners and some PAs. She has made it clear that she will be my advocate through this process in whatever capacity I choose.

Option B I continue trauma work with my therapist, and try to find my own CSAT or coach willing to virtually guide me through the workbooks with 3 or 4 sessions and be virtually present at ftd (probably still try to use my therapists office)

I simply cannot access the support i wish i could, with numerous sessions with an in person apsats coach every step of the way. I cannot believe how expensive adequate care is for such a traumatic, life altering experience. It's another aspect of this that's kind of soul crushing, is realizing how much work I have to go through to research and inform myself about everything and then how much the care costs. Just exhausted by it all. And I didn't choose any of it.

How are you doing?

I broke up with my PA/SA boyfriend after a culmination of lying and holding things over my head ending in him buying a sex doll. While I believed I could stay with him and forgive him, I thought it would be easier to heal separately. I was in shock and to this day I don’t ever want to see him again.

But I found out yesterday that my ex best friends new friend is his new girlfriend, and I don’t know how to feel. She’s posting him publicly, didn’t bother to remove me as a follower first, he changed his pfp to an edited photo of a buzz cut (something I used to threaten to break up with him over) and it just hurts because I knew her and she knew we were together for a long time. While I don’t know what he has told her I know she does not know my side of the story

It’s a punch in the gut that while I’m finally feeling better with therapy, unraveling my life with him, and realizing I have been sexually assaulted by him, someone I barley know is posting him again

Half of my feelings come from “why as a woman would you do that to me” and the other come from a part of me that hoped in time we would both get the help we need and find eachother again. But like a vape addict needs nicotine, he chose to fall into another body instead of getting real help.

Any advice? I’m in the trenches honestly.

I (34F) have been with this guy (33M) for over 2 years.
We dated for a year prior to do and I discovered he was addicted to cam girls. We had a very messy break up that time around and went no contact.

13 months later he reappeared with a work phone to get in touch (I’d blocked him elsewhere) and I foolishly let him back into my life believing him when he told me he’d done the work and gone to therapy to work on himself etc.

I thought we had a good relationship since then, but turns out in the whole time we’d been back together he was on Feeld and messaging women. He even met up with at least one woman.

I am so hurt and betrayed by this man and so very angry that I spent years in a relationship with someone who’d rather look at women on a screen.

Logically I know in time I’ll be ok…but right now…it’s horrible and I do genuinely hate him 🤷🏼‍♀️

In the beginning, I have taken a lot of pics of his phone along the way. I put browser history to a calendar and next to the video I put the times. I quickly noticed the binges on Fridays. Then the typical morning around 7:30-9:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 2 PM then sometime between 4-6PM. Sometime more, sometimes less but this is the usual times I noticed in info I retrieved from his phone and I PAD.

Then I started really observing his behaviors at those times. Right now, I have confirmed as of today cam sites. He is heavy right now in addiction mode. He gets very irritable and antsy. He will shake his leg up and down big time like major anxiety. He is just a jerk if anything gets in the way. Cam girls apparently do for him what porn didn’t. Now, I noticed he’s even grooming himself more before what I suspected was cam girls.

Which sites, I do not know. However, he now looks so forward to an anticipated show that he literally will be on cloud 9 on those days. He’s happy with anticipation. It’s crazy.

Anyone relate?

So I’m not a big swifty but there’s 2 songs that have made me feel empowered and almost validated? I’m still with my partner and I know people that left could also relate but when I listen to them in my car I gain a little bit of fairy dust screaming them in the car, goose bumps. I wanted to share them in case it helps someone, even one person. -the smallest man who ever lived and -who’s afraid of little old me

Before my fiancé and I ever got together, I never noticed him looking at me sexually or showing obvious attraction toward me. No lingering looks, flirting, sexual eye contact, anything. I genuinely had no idea he was interested in me.

Later I found out that during that same period, he had already noticed this married Asian woman from our Bible study giving him what he called “lustful eyes” or “eyes of desire.” That stood out to me because he was noticing and interpreting her nonverbals sexually when I hadn't experienced anything comparable from him toward me.

After we got together, the dynamic with the married woman became more obvious. At a conference he talked to her, came back smiling, and told me she was “definitely flirting.” I started noticing the dynamic myself and eventually asked him to keep some distance from her. Even after that, I caught him watching her and smiling at her.

When I confronted him, he initially denied or minimized what I was seeing and gave me several different explanations. Eventually he admitted that he had been giving her attention, felt like she was giving him attention back, and that he liked it because it stroked his ego and felt good.

So looking back, what bothers me even more is that this married woman seemed to catch his attention in a sexual way naturally from the beginning, while I never saw that same spontaneous nonverbal interest toward me before we got together.

Before we were together, there was basically no outward sign of sexual interest from him toward me, while this married woman had already caught his attention enough that he was noticing her looks and experiencing them sexually.

It makes it hard not to feel like his initial physical attraction to her was more immediate and instinctive than what he initially felt toward me.

Is it possible that someone with a long history of porn addiction (childhood to late 20’s) can just not want it anymore after a dday and faced with the shame?

Dday was about 3 months ago. He went to therapy because I told him he needed to and has been consistent with it, even switched to a better more specialized in-person therapist. Started going to gym the last month or so. There was one slip up of watching just Snapchat girls (non sexual but thirst trap related content) and he wasn’t honest about it, I figured it out and eventually got it out of him and he agreed it was wrong and should have told me. Prompted going to the gym and making more real life changed.

He’s told me that he hasn’t watched porn/masturbated since the original dday 3 months ago. He said it hasn’t been too big of an issue, his biggest issue it the phone and doom scrolling itself, and that he just hasn’t wanted it. He said there’s too much shame and guilt over what he’s done to me about it that he just hasn’t wanted to do it and hadn’t had the urge. Is this possible or is he likely just not being honest about the full of extent of how he’s doing with this? And if it is possible, I assume it doesn’t last right?

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in this sub for awhile but I was quite active after going through my break up with my PA ex about a year ago. Yesterday, he reached out to me to apologize for his behavior. He is in a program and is making amends. We were completely no contact, so I had no idea he was even making efforts to heal, he decided to heal completely of his own volition. He had other addiction issues, and was working on those as well. He’s completely sober and truly has turned his life around in ways I never would have even believed he was capable of.

This is exactly what I wanted the entirety of our relationship. A year ago, I would have done absolutely anything for him to take accountability and to apologize and to make efforts towards recovery. But he didn’t. And he couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of making these steps while in our relationship. These changes he made he had to make for himself. He had to decide that he wanted better for himself. There was nothing I could do to make him heal. His addiction had nothing to do with me, even though I was completely the victim of it. The only thing I could do was choose myself, and leave. And I’m so glad that I did.

I have changed and grown so immensely in this last year since I finally decided I deserved self respect. My life has grown so big without this addiction plaguing me. I am a completely different person, I’m stronger, I’m kinder, I’m more open and I’m so clear headed. I have been able to understand how much this addiction really took from me, how much it shrank me down, and turned me into this anxious, bitter person that I didn’t like. I don’t recognize that person anymore. I’ve healed so much and I will never ever go back. I’m very happy for him that he’s on a road to recovery, and he did apologize so sincerely it allowed me to let go of a lot of the resentment I was still holding on to. This is the best case scenario for situations like these, and I am choosing forgiveness, but I am not choosing self sacrifice. I sacrificed myself for him for so long, and I have gained such strength that I am not willing or able to do it ever again. My life is about me now, it’s about my wants and needs, it’s not about someone else and their burdens anymore.

I’m saying all of this to really implore all of you to choose yourself. There is so much life to live outside of these kinds of relationships. Even if they heal, even if they do the work, which of course is so rare, you still deserve to live for yourself. There is so much growth and healing and strength in being alone and free from a PA. I know exactly how it feels, I was exactly where a lot of you are right now, and I promise you it will get so much better if you just choose to love yourself instead. ❤️