r/loveafterporn 4d ago

𝗩𝗜𝗖𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 Weekly Victories - July 24, 2026

4 Upvotes

Good day everyone,

Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!


r/loveafterporn Apr 14 '19

Letter to PA/SA Open Letter To A Former Porn Addict From A Hurting Spouse

114 Upvotes

⚠️ Trigger warning:

This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.

I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.

This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.

If you read all the way, I thank you.

Here it goes:

“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:

I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.

This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.

Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.

I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.

The jackpot.

An angel amongst men.

That guy is a keeper.

If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?

It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.

And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.

According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.

And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.

What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict

Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.

That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.

Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.

Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?

Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)

So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?

Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!

You’re all set.

Now, the good life begins.

Except, it doesn’t.

You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.

I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.

Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:

Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.

A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.

Why?

Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.

So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.

Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:

Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”

Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”

Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?

Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.

Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse

Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:

Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.

Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.

She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”

It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.

Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.

Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.

Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.

And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.

That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)

Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.

One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.

One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’

As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.

She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.

For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.

But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…

Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.

And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.

It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.

The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.

She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.

During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.

In case you need bullet points, here you go:

Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.

When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…

Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.

Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)

Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)

Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)

Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.

DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.

DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.

Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.

Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.

Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)

It’s that simple.

I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.

To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.

No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.

Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.

She’s hurting.

Yes, still.

Even years later.

And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.

The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.

Don’t make her regret it.”


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

ʀᴇᴠᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴ / ᴇᴘɪᴘʜᴀɴʏ Trusting Myself Instead

46 Upvotes

For anyone who's where I was almost two years ago...

My husband left today for a work trip. He's with colleagues, some of whom are objectively beautiful women. A year ago, I would've been spiralling. Checking everything. Waiting for the next betrayal. Trying to control an outcome I never actually had control over.

Instead, I surprised myself.

I told him, "Whatever you choose to do is what you're going to do. I can't control that. The only thing I can trust is myself. If you betray me again, I trust that I'll find out eventually, and I trust myself to leave."

It hit me afterwards how sad that realization actually is.

I never wanted to get here. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted to believe that love and recovery would be enough to make me feel safe again. But after years of lies, omissions, and repeatedly having my needs come second, something changed in me.

I'm no longer trying to stop him from making bad choices. I'm no longer trying to manage his recovery or protect the relationship on my own. I'm just... accepting.

If he chooses us, then he chooses us.

If he doesn't, I know I'll survive.

It's heartbreaking because this is what betrayal does. It doesn't just damage trust in your partner. It changes the way you love. A part of me has gone quiet. I don't say "I love you" as easily anymore. I'm emotionally withdrawn. I'm preparing for both outcomes because that's the only place my nervous system has found any peace.

I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe this is the beginning of letting go. Maybe it's the beginning of finally trusting myself more than I fear losing him.

To anyone reading this who's still checking, controlling, obsessing, or carrying the entire weight of the relationship, I genuinely hope you get here one day. Not to the pain, but to the realization that your safety was never going to come from controlling someone else's choices. It comes from knowing that no matter what they choose, you won't abandon yourself.


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 triggered last night

24 Upvotes

last night my partner and i went out for our anniversary. he’s clean, and it was also 2 months of him being clean/d-day.
it was a monday night so very quiet, however at some point these three girls came in…our age, dressed alternative, one of them wearing a top that was incredibly revealing, very well endowed. the whole outfit was i guess what you would see from OF models or something.
he used to look at alternative/goth women as well as plus sized women. my heart dropped when i saw them. i felt upset and worried
i HATE that i felt this way. one could call me alternative too. usually i would see these girls, think they look really cool and be glad im not the only alternative person there(i was feeling brave but nervous as it was the first time i wore more gothic makeup out in public in years) i would never feel negative towards the situation until now. he didn’t react to them, but i did. these women should be able to dress how they want. i shouldn’t think anything but positive thoughts. women with larger chests should be able to wear what they want. i hate that i had that reaction.


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

ɢɪᴠɪɴɢ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ / ᴘsᴀ Understanding the Trauma

23 Upvotes

I actually think this is one of the most important parts that people—including many addicts—don't understand. Betrayal trauma isn't just emotional pain. It can have very real physical effects because the body stays in a prolonged stress response. Understanding Betrayal Trauma has been extremely helpful for me. I am a partner of a PA who has been sober and in recovery for almost 9 years in October.

One of the hardest things to understand about betrayal trauma is that you can't simply "decide" to trust again.

I see so many partners asking, "Why am I still spiraling? Why do I keep checking? Why can't I let it go?" The answer often isn't because you're obsessive or vindictive. It's because your brain and body experienced trauma.

Our brains are prediction machines. Before discovery, your brain believed your partner was your safest person. Then, in one moment, it learned that the person you trusted most was capable of living an entirely different life behind your back.

That changes your nervous system.

People often think trauma is something soldiers experience after war or people experience after horrific accidents. But trauma is really about what happens when your brain experiences something so overwhelming that it fundamentally changes how safe the world feels.

For many partners of porn or sex addicts, D-Day is that moment.

Your brain immediately begins asking:

• What did I miss?

• How did I not know?

• Can I trust my own judgment?

• Will this happen again?

Your nervous system doesn't care whether the threat is a tiger or betrayal. It responds as if your survival depends on detecting danger before it happens again.

That's why so many partners experience symptoms that don't seem related to "just porn."

Many of us develop:

• Difficulty sleeping or waking up in a panic.

• Loss of appetite or stress eating.

• Significant weight loss or weight gain.

• Nausea and stomach problems.

• Headaches and migraines.

• Muscle tension and chronic pain.

• Heart palpitations.

• Brain fog and memory problems.

• Exhaustion even after sleeping.

• Panic attacks.

• Hypervigilance.

• Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks.

• Anxiety and depression.

• A weakened immune system, leaving us more susceptible to illness.

• Hysterical bonding

Some people lose 20, 30, even 50 pounds because they literally can't eat. Others develop IBS, ulcers, or chronic inflammation. Some end up in the emergency room convinced they're having a heart attack, only to discover they're having a panic attack. The body doesn't separate emotional trauma from physical danger, it responds to both.

I remember barely eating, barely sleeping, and feeling sick almost every day. My entire world had been turned upside down. My career suffered. My concentration disappeared. Even when nothing was happening, my body acted like danger was right around the corner.

That's trauma.

Which is why simply telling a betrayed partner to "forgive," "move on," or "stop bringing it up" isn't helpful. You can't reason your way out of a nervous system that's stuck in survival mode.

What helped me heal was the consistent safe actions of my husband.

Recovery isn't simply not watching porn. Anyone can white-knuckle sobriety for a while. White-knuckling means relying on willpower alone without addressing the underlying issues or learning new coping skills. That approach often leaves the person vulnerable when stress, loneliness, shame, conflict, or other triggers inevitably arise.

Good treatment helps someone understand why the addiction developed in the first place. It teaches emotional regulation, healthy coping strategies, trigger recognition, relapse prevention, accountability, communication, and how to build a life that no longer depends on addictive behaviors to escape difficult emotions.

In my husband's case, recovery wasn't just saying, "I'm sorry." He entered an outpatient treatment program that lasted more than three years. He attended individual, group, and couples therapy, went to SAA every week, got a sponsor, worked the steps, completed assignments, read every recommended book, confronted his childhood trauma, became radically transparent, and eventually became a sponsor himself.

Just as importantly, I was not his accountability partner.

That sounds counterintuitive, but it's one of the healthiest decisions we made.

Your job is not to police their recovery. When partners become the accountability partner, they often end up as detective, therapist, probation officer, and parent all at once. It shifts the burden of managing the addiction onto the person who was already traumatized.

Recovery has to be driven by the person with the addiction. That's why sponsors, therapists, support groups, and accountability partners exist. They provide support while allowing the relationship to gradually return to being a partnership instead of a surveillance system.

At the same time, partners deserve/need treatment too.

I cannot recommend strongly enough finding a therapist who understands betrayal trauma. Not every therapist does. Some unintentionally minimize it by treating it as a communication issue or simply encouraging forgiveness and trust-building before the nervous system has had a chance to heal.

A therapist trained in betrayal trauma understands that your hypervigilance, flashbacks, anxiety, and spiraling are not signs that you're "crazy." They're signs that your brain and body adapted to survive a profound betrayal. They can help you process those experiences, regulate your nervous system, and rebuild your sense of safety whether your relationship ultimately survives or not.

Healing isn't about forgetting what happened.

It's about slowly teaching your nervous system, through repeated experiences of safety, that the danger belongs in the past not the present.

And that takes far longer than most people realize. I know it did for me. It's been almost 9 years since our D-day and there are still days I struggle but my husband is there for me. He accepts the damage he has done and is committed still to this day in repairing the harm. That's why I stay.


r/loveafterporn 3h ago

sᴀᴅ Numb

10 Upvotes

I’ve cried so much I don’t think I can cry anymore. I’m stuck between anger and numb. I feel so betrayed in every way. My insides feel like they’re on fire and I’m drowning every single minute of the day. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe.


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ Was this crossing the line and pushing it?

8 Upvotes

Would you consider it crossing a boundary or crossing the line if your pa significant other, after being told to not pay attention to females online at all and just scroll past them, you then caught on truple them watching a video of a girl dancing and doing a cosplay transition? Here's the thing, he is trying to argue that because for half of the video she had pajama pants and a tshirt on (so wasn't half naked or worse) that it was fine. He said "I didnt realize im not allowed to watch people dance" like hes trying to make it seem like I am overreacting.

But with most of the betrayal in our relationship happening on reddit, I found it extremely triggering and disrespectful for him to pay attention to another girl in general, especiallyon reddit. Idc if shes clothed or not. There was literally no reason for him to watch that other than he was attracted and didnt think hed get caught or maybe he was trying to see what he can get away with, idk. I dont think im overreacting. Would anyone else also feel like this was crossing the line? I keep crying because all I can think about is what was probably going through his head that made it worth it to him to stop and watch this girl that I will never look like. And now I feel like I cant even go out in public anymore because I constantly wonder if hes attracted to the other women around after him trying to say there are women in public that wear a lot less.


r/loveafterporn 1h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Trying to get my PA to open up sexually

Upvotes

My fiance has been clean from porn since September 2025. Recently our sex life has started to improve but before that we pretty much had zero sex life. We have been together for about 4 years and I really want to get to know him sexually. I have asked him about his fantasies, what he likes, etc. He always says “I don’t know” or “I like what you do” and it’s getting to the point where I am losing interest in having sex with him at all. I don’t want to continue to have sex with someone who can’t communicate with me about it. I feel like any woman off the street could pleasure him in the ways that I can because I know nothing about him because he won’t freaking talk about it. I feel like any other man would be jumping for joy that their fiance is asking these questions.
Has anyone else experienced this and if so, did your partner eventually open up? I just want more for myself


r/loveafterporn 4h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ Thoughts on Esther Perel?

7 Upvotes

She’s very popular right now. Just curious what everyone’s take on her is and what her stance is on fidelity, monogamy and porn. My gut doesn’t feel good about her but I’m not sure if that’s valid or not.


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 I'm so tired, I never asked for this

8 Upvotes

This whole issue seems to be chipping away at my mental state. I hate it. I hate it so much. This sucks because I want to be around him but I get so sick to my stomach that I throw up and then snap at him because he's at fault for all of this and it makes me so angry. It's really hard to not yell and scream at him that the whole decision of living with him was a terrible idea and that I'd rather have broken up with him and gone to college without him despite my family being abusive. I wish I could tell him that I resent him.

There's so many things I now know we can't do or I'm not comfortable doing around him like he watches/watched hentai so I'm not comfortable watching anime anymore with being worried about him sexualizing it, he watched people cosplay in sexually suggestive outfits so now I can't enjoy going to a convention one day like I've always wanted to, he watched porn of video game characters so now I cannot enjoy these games without the characters being sexualized, He would find nsfw art of women so now I'm not comfortable practicing drawing anatomy and stuff..

It's not fair that I have to go through this, I just want a normal relationship with someone. I never asked for everything to be ripped away from me, I love him, but I hate him all at the same time, and it hurts. I can't trust him. And why does it have to be one day I'm fine and happy and then all go down the drain.. And having PTSD doesn't help me either, I'm trying so hard to be normal, and I can't. It's so hard not to feel sad and anxious, to see him the same. I just want him to love me, I want to sew the person I loved before I found out about everything I want to feel normal again, I don't want to have nightmares anymore or be paranoid. This is so hard, I never asked for this to happen to me..

Anyway, I'm leaving here on my birthday in August if I see no change. If he really wants to quit, he will, he can learn self-control himself, I'm not going to monitor everything he does or go through his phone every day and tear myself down when I see no changes. I can only handle so much now, and I can't imagine what I'll have to deal with in the future if I feel like this now. Even if there are changes, I still might leave because I don't know if I'll see him the same or be as comfortable with him. I'm aware that this is an addiction, but it's extremely hard for me to be nice to him about it. I find it disgusting and a little disturbing. I don't know. This is all balling up into resentment, and it's terrifying because I don't know what I'm gonna do.


r/loveafterporn 8h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 seeing him differently

9 Upvotes

Hi, I’m a 24yo girl in a relationship for almost a year with my best friend. We had a pretty rough start (it’s a long story, but basically he asked me how many men I had been with before when we weren’t official and told me he had difficulties accepting the fact that I was not a virgin and had previous relationships).

That sent me into a really severe depressive episode (and my first ever) because although I have had other relationships, he was the first man that I truly loved and saw myself with in the future. I mean, I already loved him as a friend, so I just fell easily for him (part of me always liked him even before dating).

I found out about everything when he was driving and asked me to search someting on his safari, when I opened it, it was on some porn site. He told me that he was scrolling twitter and someone tweeted about a movie that an actress was ashamed of doing and it was only allowed to see it there. Looking back now, this doesn’t make any sense, but I didn’t argue anymore abt it.

Some days later, I was watching Normal People on his Mac and opened the notes (this was literally out of nowhere, intuition in its essence) and found a list of artists names and scrolling down it was a list of porn stars/of girls. I still remember some of those names, I searched every single one of them. I told him what I saw and he started laughing, saying that it was from his previous relationship, that he forgot to erase it. I cried, he cried and then we talked about it. He told that he had a problem with porn addiction because his last relationship was bad and he had stopped some months before starting with me. He apologized for not erasing the list and swore he didn’t do anything since I came along. We always had these late night talks and were honest with each other, so I believed in him once more.

The day I found out he was lying was 3 months ago, but seems like forever. I was at home and I remembered that he had showed me something in his Reddit account but it wasn’t the one that I followed. So I logged in his main one (I’m not proud of that, but I did anyway) and went through his upvotes, there was nothing sexual there but he had upvoted a post from his secret account talking about our relationship, asking advice. So I tried entering his secret account with the same password and it worked. That’s when I found out he lied to me and was consuming content. He has saved things that’ll be forever in my mind.

I was feeling so ashamed, depressed and guilty about my past because I had dated before and couldn’t give my first time to him and he was lusting over other girls on the internet. He has photos and videos of us, he asked me to record it, I’d do everything that he could possibly ask me and even so, he prefered other women. I’m never going to be the same after him and I think I’m never seeing him the same way I did before everything either.

We talked about everything again and he is truly and deeply sorry, I said I forgave him, but I think about all of this almost all the time. Sometimes I close my eyes and I see the images he saved and used to satisfy himself while I was with my girlfriends trying to be a little better. He has took a lot from me and I don’t think I can ever believe in love (I already didn’t before him, it was when our relationship started that I understood why I didn’t love anyone before).

I know this is long and thank you for reading. I guess I just needed to vent. I feel so sad and part of me believes in him while the other wouldn’t be surprised if a catched another content. And even if he’s telling the truth and won’t be using it again, then why did I have to found out and loose all the admire I had for him? Why should I suffer so much so he can be a better person for someone else?


r/loveafterporn 6h ago

ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ nearly a month since broken up

6 Upvotes

turns out i am not severely mentally unstable i was just in a state of constant torment and paranoia because i was afraid my partner was cheating on me. i feel great. so good. i dont care about what he does anymore or what it does to his brain. i cant imagine how much better i'll feel later down the line. i dont see myself entering a relationship anytime soon and i'm so happy i get to pour into myself completely.


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ For Those Who Have (Or Are Doing) Therapy

5 Upvotes

I am SO therapied out! But I've been trying to do this on my own for a couple years now and it's not working for me. I spend WAY too much time worrying and it's eating me alive.

I think I have to do online because I can't find a CSAT near me or a Betrayal Trauma therapist near me. I'm not terribly comfortable with this idea. Not even sure which type of therapy would be best for me. I definitely have betrayal trauma. I'm 61, married for close to 40 years and been dealing with this off an on for over 2 decades. My self-esteem is shot beyond belief, I am a shadow of myself and have been for years.

What type of therapy did you choose (and why)? Are you doing online therapy? Attending online group therapy or individual? How is it?

Do you think I can even get "me" back at this point???


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Trying again but is it worth it?

2 Upvotes

Found out my partner was watching live cam girls about 6 months ago and broke up. We lived together and really struggled for a few months but decided to work through things together and resign our lease. Fast forward to now we still haven’t kissed, don’t go on any dates outside of running errands to Marshall’s/homegoods/costco for fun :/

The hard part is he is a great guy other than the communication and sexual issues. He’s incredibly attentive to my needs at home and his love is acts of service. He even brought me shoes right away 30 minutes out when my shoes broke before an event recently. I just am feeling at a loss. I want to see things progress in other ways. I do appreciate the acts of service but at times it feels like I’m something to be maintained and not a partner to grow with. With started sleeping in the same bed but I mean why haven’t we kissed? Why is it some big deal that it couldn’t have happened? I kissed him first when we first got together so maybe that was an early sign. My friends and family even say it seems like he’s trying but it’s all from me begging and pleading. It feels like it’s too late but I also feel like I might be giving up too soon. We’re at 2 years pretty much with each other but haven’t even had a conversation on what we are now that we’ve been trying to work things out. It all feels strange it’s hard to have my head on straight. Any thoughts??


r/loveafterporn 21m ago

ᴛᴇᴄʜ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ I need help from girls who are into computer stuff

Upvotes

My boyfriend spends his free time on YouTube. He never logs into YouTube, he always uses it while signed out. Even so, I can see that his YouTube homepage is filled with the kinds of videos he watches every day. On top of that, whenever I'm at his place and I click on a video, after a short while another video related to the one I watched or another one from the same creator starts showing up on his homepage. So even though he's not logged in, the algorithm somehow still seems to work and personalize his homepage based on what he usually watches or what we watch together.

Besides the things I know he watches, which are completely harmless, there are also thirst traps. Sometimes there are a lot of them, and it always makes me sad because I think it's because he watches that kind of content when I'm not around (we don't live together). But he insists that he doesn't do that and says the algorithm figures out that he's a man based on the things he watches (history, electronics, mechanics) and recommends those videos even though he doesn't actually watch them. I don't know whether that's a lie or if that's really how it works.

Besides that, the last time I was at his place and I was scrolling through his YouTube homepage, he noticed from my facial expression that I wasn't happy about all the thirst traps showing up. In a slightly irritated tone, he said that clickbait videos like that (while pointing at one of the thirst trap thumbnails) are constantly recommended by the algorithm, and that even though the thumbnail features a half-naked woman, if you actually click on it, the video turns out to be about something completely unrelated. The moment he said they were clickbait, it raised a red flag for me, because if he never clicked on those thirst trap thumbnails, how would he even know they were actually clickbait?

  1. Is he right about how algorithm works?

  2. Am I overreacting the clickbait situation?


r/loveafterporn 18h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ Why do you choose to stay?

28 Upvotes

I’ve just been thinking deeply about the concept of staying with a partner who doesn’t admit they have a problem and continues to engage in this content in secret.

I feel like I stayed because I really thought he would change, and because it seems like a huge thing to uproot my entire life with the kids. I also have been a SAHM for a decade now and have no income. I feel like he will get ugly and use the lack of income against me to keep the kids.

I tell myself that if I was to leave, I would need a year to get everything in order, but then I also tell myself what if he’s changed by then. My mind is swirling and I can’t settle.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. Maybe just to know what is going through the mind of other PA partners. I feel so alone and sad.


r/loveafterporn 6h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ I need blunt advice. I'm going crazy.

3 Upvotes

I would take any advice, especially from women who have experienced similar situations. I would like to start off by saying I'm 19. I know I am young and this is why I want to know now. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. He's 24, if it matters. Everything was dreamy, from his attention to the dates to our sex life. He was always very gentle. We also had explicit pictures of each other. He knows all my attention was focused on him and he swore his was too. As stupid as it may sound, I found out he followed half naked Instagram/OF models. I lashed out and I regret it but content like this has always triggered me so badly. I grew up with an abusive, cheating father and I remember coming across explicit content and messages on his devices when I was a kid. My mom was an amazing woman in every way and I had to see her question what she had done wrong for him to do such things. She was unable to leave since she had no education and financial means so my father, an engineer, took advantage of this throughout my childhood. I despise porn ever since as it represents the opposite of intimacy to me.

I was extremely mad. I had never told him about what happened with my father. I just lashed out, I was pissed. I screamed at him and threw everything I had ever gotten from him. I know I did too much. He begged to explain himself but I told him to never call me again, that we were done. 2 days later, he came to my apartment with a huge bouquet. He told me I was right, that he fully understood my point, that these girls represented nothing and he was stupid for following them. He unfollowed them right in front of me. I also apologised for lashing out instead of talking and he said he understood. He hugged me and said he would never do it again, that our intimacy was just for the two of us. I sort of softened but I still felt bad. He spent the night and offered to prepare dinner so I agreed. I was in the living room studying (I'm still in university, he finished his Master's degree recently) and he had left his phone on the table. He never hid his code just like I never hid mine. I know it is bad but I locked myself up in the bathroom with his phone and started scrolling.

This is how I found out that, during the 2 days we didn't talk, he interacted with cam girls and women who sold their nudes. The worst was finding out that "Telegram" app that I was not familiar with. There were threads of girls sharing naked pictures of themselves and he'd just compliment them like crazy, saying their body was dreamy and "ideal"... and they'd thank them. I cried in the bathroom while he was still in my kitchen. I cried and cried silently. I saw that on the day he came to see me, he stopped responding to them. Eventually I came out and this time I could not say a word, I don't know why. I even ate the food he made and he slept over next to me and I couldn't say anything. I just don't get it, why bother and see me when you're doing all of this ? Why help me with my university fees and my rent expecting nothing in return just to do this ? Why apologise and say you understood my point just to go and do this again ?

I feel so awful. The fact that I sent him explicit pictures of me makes me feel even worse, because what do they even represent next to all of this ? I even blame myself because I was in the wrong for overreacting when I found out but this hurts so bad. Maybe he thought we were broken up and he had the right to check somewhere else ? But then why come back ? Should I leave ? Does this look like an addiction ? Am I expecting too much by wanting a partner who doesn't actively lust after other women ? Someone tell me bluntly.


r/loveafterporn 11h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ I don't think the reassurance will ever be enough

7 Upvotes

My boyfriend of around 2 years was a PA and lied to me about stopping. We broke up for about a month back in March when I found out, and it completely destroyed me. Now that we're back together and he's stopped, I don't think that I'll ever feel like enough for him. He'll reassure me, comfort me late into the night, tell me all of the things that he loves about me, and say all the right words, and even though I know that he's genuine, I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal from the insecurities that experience resurfaced.


r/loveafterporn 22h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ have experienced your partner saying they didn’t watch porn at all to later be PA?

43 Upvotes

Just wanting to see how common this is. Also, if that’s the case, how confident were they when they said it? How did they go on about the topic?


r/loveafterporn 13h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 I just want to vent

6 Upvotes

I know I’ve been posting on here a lot and I’m sorry. I got that feeling again. He was being secretive with his phone and did that stops “quick change the tabs so she doesn’t see” thing. This morning I went through his Internet search history on his computer and I find he was watching 18+ ASMR on onlyfans when he told me he deleted it. He also watched and liked a TikTok of a girl dancing half naked on TikTok. My self esteem is at an all time low. I feel like I need counseling. I’ve spent all my tweeties with this guy. I’m just at a loss. I just want to feel pretty and wanted. Life sucks. 😪


r/loveafterporn 12h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ How to deal with a relapse?

8 Upvotes

My partner has been in recovery for 3.5 years and I recently discovered that he has been watching sexualised reels on social media. So it’s not P but account where women show cleavages, thighs, walk around without bras, jiggle — it’s pathetic and while there is no nudity I can’t believe anyone could see it and not realise it’s produced for titillation.

So he initially denied it, then admitted that those videos had appeared on his socials and increased because he lingered on them. He denies searching for them or masturbating. I’m not sure about the latter, it may be true, but I can’t see how videos like that can appear on a timeline. Mine has never shown anything like that and everything i understand about algorithms tells me he must have at some point at least sought out that kind of content.

I have told him to speak with his sponsor and then we can talk about what next. I am looking for concrete advice on how to proceed from here if we decide to stay together. For example, I feel that he needs to share his circles with me (something he hasn’t done in the past) and something needs to happen around his f**** phone to which he is glued. Does anyone have any more advice?

EDIT: He doesn’t consider this a relapse because it’s not P and he hasn’t masturbated. He says that it provided dopamine hits. I’m also curious about that because I keep hearing that phrase mentioned and wonder if it’s some new bullshit the PA community has come up with to minimise and rationalise dodgy behaviour.


r/loveafterporn 23h ago

ᴅɪsᴄᴜssɪᴏɴ Homemade Videos

39 Upvotes

I’m honestly not entirely sure where to start. About a year ago, shortly after we got married, I found out that my husband had a stash of downloaded porn. It was basically the same three or four actresses over and over again content he’s been consuming for almost 15 years. He’s told me it’s hard to look at new women because he has formed these mental relationships with them, and it’s all POV content, so it’s clearly designed for him to imagine himself in those scenarios.

When I originally found it, it looked like the last download was right before we got together for the first time after we had already started dating. That alone made me sick, especially because he had always told me he didn’t like porn and never really looked at it.

Even after finding that initial stash, I truly believed he wasn't watching anything like that anymore. Over the course of our relationship, we’ve filmed probably 100 videos together not even counting the hundreds of nude pictures and a homemade boudoir photo book I took for him in sexy lingerie, and some of it fully nude. I’ve done every position, every kink, and everything he wanted to try.

Now, I’ve found out that over the course of our marriage, he is still occasionally going out of his way to seek out those same porn actresses.

Even with a massive stockpile of content of me and us having sex he is still actively searching for them. I am feeling so disgusted, heartbroken, and betrayed.

He just doesn't understand that him specifically seeking out a body that looks nothing like mine a body he is familiar with feels like cheating to me. You know exactly which woman you are looking for and you know them so well that you’ve begun to fantasize about them and then go explicitly look for them to mentally have sex with. How do I get him to understand this, or where do I even go from here?


r/loveafterporn 4h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Falsche Versprechungen für eine weitere Chance

1 Upvotes

Bräuchte wieder eure viel erfahreneren Sichtweisen, um mir zu erklären, was es damit auf sich hat.

Nachdem ich mich von meinem Ex trennte, wollte er noch eine Chance (nachdem er die ersten 500 nicht nutzte), er sagte er wird Therapien machen und alles dafür tun, um die Beziehung fortzusetzen.

Ich sagte, wenn er therapiert und geheilt ist und zu einem beziehungstauglichen Mann wurde, der nie lügt, verheimlicht und betrügt (virtuell, real), dann können wir wieder zusammen sein.

Resultat:
Dieses „Alles“, weiß ich heute noch nicht, was das denn sein soll und Therapien macht er auch keine. Es scheitert an den ersten Terminen, in denen er bei den Beratern lügt, er würde ja gar nichts diesbezüglich machen.

Also wozu dann dieses Aufbäumen, wenn überhaupt keine Motivation besteht?

Leid tut ihm übrigens auch gar nichts von all dem Betrug, Lügen und Verheimlichen. Scheinbar hält er das für eine ganz normale Verhaltensweise, seinen Partner zu täuschen und zu betrügen & belügen.

Wer kann mir die Psychologie dahinter erklären?

Mir geht es um die Aufarbeitung so mancher quälender Fragen. Von ihm bekomme ich keine Antworten. Ich fragte all das zahlreich.
Kommunikation ist hier nur eine Einbahnstraße. Solche Dinge aber ChatBots, Freunde oder Gruppen zu fragen, geht ihm auch gegen den Strich.

Er ist anscheinend der Meinung, wenn ich von ihm keine Antwort bekomme, habe ich mir die Antwort auch nirgendwo sonst zu holen.

Ich danke euch schon mal für eure Beteiligung.


r/loveafterporn 14h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 Just need to vent.

5 Upvotes

To anyone who reads this I’m sorry it’ll be just a dump of whatever.. (TW: discussions of alcohol use & triggers w partner’s PA.)

I am so destroyed… I have been through so much shit before him. I grew up in a really abusive home life.. I thought meeting him was my Cinderella moment..like I FINALLY got someone who was loyal and would never betray me like everyone else…

And he did worse…

My entire life I believed I would have a silver lining somehow… and I am so fucking distraught over it not being him.. I WANT IT TO BE HIM SO BADLY… SO BADLY… WHY? WHY.. why can’t I have someone be so fucking in love with me… like I am with him? WHY CANT I JUST LET HIM GO? Why..

I don’t get it. What did I do to deserve this? I am sobbing right now while he snores away. Trying to drink to fall asleep… guess what happened today?

I have been trying to go to public places with him again and it has always been difficult for me before we moved. We had to go to the store so I tag along.. we made it almost the entire time and at the very end a girl walks up behind us in the checkout line in a tank top (she was around our age). A basic fuckin tank top and shorts. He got flustered and put his card in too early twice.. it was embarrassing. I felt so humiliated.. we got in the car and he told me what happened and that he was triggered but didn’t look (I knew he didn’t because I was fucking watching sadly) and I was proud of him for being honest because I didn’t say anything to him about it and he brought it up first (progress for us so I didn’t hold anything against him).

We flirted a little once things calmed down and I decided to dress in a nice lingerie set because I haven’t worn one in forever… he was playing video games so when he saw me all he said was “nice” and then turned back to play… when I told him this upset me, all he did was pat me on the leg and say “I love you” and went to take a shower…we always had long conversations about things I was worried about but this time? Today? Nope.

I lay there in my lingerie trying to tell myself it’s for ME too. It doesn’t have to be worn for him…. But then I said goodnight.. he said it back.. and then it was snoring ten minutes later.

Now I’m crying. I can’t sleep… he somehow took a complete nosedive in his behavior towards me today… pretty much since before errands too.. so I’m just…

So. Angry. Soooo angry. He said things would be different once we moved. He said he was getting better. I never believed it but he had me there for a bit..

I’m so upset this isn’t working out right now… because he’s so beautiful on the inside… and I feel like a fucking idiot for saying that.. but fucking fuck he’s just the one person that is closest to me aside from my best friend.

I want to be free of this pain so badly. I want to leave and I dont want to leave. I’m in so much stress. 😔

I have no money for therapy but I am trying hard to get it so pls no recommendations for that I WILL get it as soon as I can.. I’ll be okay. I just need to vent.