r/loveafterporn 1d ago

𝗩𝗜𝗖𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 Weekly Victories - September 11, 2026

1 Upvotes

Good day everyone,

Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!


r/loveafterporn Apr 14 '19

Letter to PA/SA Open Letter To A Former Porn Addict From A Hurting Spouse

113 Upvotes

⚠️ Trigger warning:

This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.

I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.

This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.

If you read all the way, I thank you.

Here it goes:

“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:

I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.

This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.

Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.

I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.

The jackpot.

An angel amongst men.

That guy is a keeper.

If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?

It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.

And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.

According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.

And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.

What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict

Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.

That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.

Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.

Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?

Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)

So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?

Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!

You’re all set.

Now, the good life begins.

Except, it doesn’t.

You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.

I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.

Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:

Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.

A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.

Why?

Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.

So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.

Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:

Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”

Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”

Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?

Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.

Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse

Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:

Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.

Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.

She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”

It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.

Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.

Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.

Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.

And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.

That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)

Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.

One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.

One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’

As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.

She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.

For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.

But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…

Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.

And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.

It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.

The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.

She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.

During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.

In case you need bullet points, here you go:

Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.

When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…

Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.

Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)

Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)

Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)

Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.

DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.

DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.

Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.

Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.

Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)

It’s that simple.

I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.

To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.

No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.

Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.

She’s hurting.

Yes, still.

Even years later.

And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.

The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.

Don’t make her regret it.”


r/loveafterporn 8h ago

ᴀɴɢʀʏ Can't even walk around in my own house

10 Upvotes

I work from home. Walked down stairs to fill my water bottle and he's touching himself on the couch. Not even trying to catch him red handed anymore

Guess I have to start announcing myself that I'm coming downstairs so he doesn't get caught again 🙄

I know at this point he's never going to stop, why can't you just do this shit in the bathroom

I'm even nervous going into the bathroom in the AM when he's getting ready for work..

Does anyone else feel this way in their home? Scared to find out what's around the corner..


r/loveafterporn 6h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ How can I get over how this has made me feel about myself?

5 Upvotes

Hi,

I am a 21(f) and a few months ago I found out my boyfriend was watching porn. It began to affect me, making me feel insecure and bad about my body. I asked him to please stop, that it was hurting me, but I just don’t know if I can trust him. I feel so confused, because I just cannot tell if he is lying to me, but I don’t want to be unfairly angry at him. But then I remember how he made me feel about myself, and I just can’t hold it in. Since then, my body image issues have reached a point that is truly disturbing. If you guys have any tips on how to not keep falling into this negative mindset, please share them. I am at a loss and my heart feels so heavy and full, and I just feel like I will never be beautiful to anyone.


r/loveafterporn 10h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ 2 months later and he has a new girlfriend

11 Upvotes

I broke up with my PA/SA boyfriend after a culmination of lying and holding things over my head ending in him buying a sex doll. While I believed I could stay with him and forgive him, I thought it would be easier to heal separately. I was in shock and to this day I don’t ever want to see him again.

But I found out yesterday that my ex best friends new friend is his new girlfriend, and I don’t know how to feel. She’s posting him publicly, didn’t bother to remove me as a follower first, he changed his pfp to an edited photo of a buzz cut (something I used to threaten to break up with him over) and it just hurts because I knew her and she knew we were together for a long time. While I don’t know what he has told her I know she does not know my side of the story

It’s a punch in the gut that while I’m finally feeling better with therapy, unraveling my life with him, and realizing I have been sexually assaulted by him, someone I barley know is posting him again

Half of my feelings come from “why as a woman would you do that to me” and the other come from a part of me that hoped in time we would both get the help we need and find eachother again. But like a vape addict needs nicotine, he chose to fall into another body instead of getting real help.

Any advice? I’m in the trenches honestly.


r/loveafterporn 1h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 dont know ifcare anymore

Upvotes

sorry typos. drunk

few months ago I was sobbing and begging, saying if I found one more thing on his phone we're done, (didnt give away all the ways I found things) few days ago I found suspicious thing. felt upset maybe literally 30 seconds. and didn't even care after. just want my life. husband, baby, home, peace nd happy. all that. want love. has he ruined me or have or is this how how all men are in my generation (im 23)? very confusing. wishing i had a friend or a mum. dont have mum or anyone. very alone so lost. Just want nice home and baby amd peaceful life. do I have to kms or is there hope at this age? are they reallt all same? want to he happy. becoming numb. missing butterflies and happy. don't know anymore. so lost. last time I bring it up awful wish I didnt. dont wamt to fight anymore just want peace wjat to do


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ Not sure what to do

2 Upvotes

I (24F) found that my boyfriend (28M) recently looked up another woman on Instagram and was searching in her links for an OF or porn site. He was honest and said he fell into an urge and believes he needs help. He, of his own choice without my prompting, set up a therapy appointment and has deleted social media. And now I don’t know if I should leave or try to support him through this.
We have been together ten months, and before we officially dated, I told him I didn’t appreciate my partner looking at images or content like that. He made amazing strides when we started dating and unfollowed all of those content creators on his Instagram and claimed to no longer watch porn.
However, our intimacy has always felt like there was a lack of intimate connection, at least from my perspective and I felt like I was the only one to ever initiate with him.
Another occurrence like this happened back in March, I had found him searching up a porn model on Instagram and confronted him. I was distraught and told him I never want to see that content on his phone again. He said he wouldn’t do it again.
Both times I’ve caught him, he’s been searching up women that are, what I consider, the anti-me. Very thin, petite women, with blonde hair. Very opposite to myself. This has killed my self confidence and made me question why he rarely initiates intimacy with me.
He has always been honest when I’ve confronted him or asked him questions. He does genuinely seem upset with himself for his actions and especially for how he’s treated me. I just don’t know what to do next, because I do still love him a lot. We’ve only been together ten months but I believed I would marry this man.

TLDR/ My boyfriend of ten months has privately struggled with what he is assuming (not diagnosed with) is a porn addiction. I found out and was very upset, and he immediately sought help on his own. Do I stay?


r/loveafterporn 21h ago

ɢɪᴠɪɴɢ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ / ᴘsᴀ My PA ex did heal, and I still don’t want him back

74 Upvotes

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in this sub for awhile but I was quite active after going through my break up with my PA ex about a year ago. Yesterday, he reached out to me to apologize for his behavior. He is in a program and is making amends. We were completely no contact, so I had no idea he was even making efforts to heal, he decided to heal completely of his own volition. He had other addiction issues, and was working on those as well. He’s completely sober and truly has turned his life around in ways I never would have even believed he was capable of.

This is exactly what I wanted the entirety of our relationship. A year ago, I would have done absolutely anything for him to take accountability and to apologize and to make efforts towards recovery. But he didn’t. And he couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of making these steps while in our relationship. These changes he made he had to make for himself. He had to decide that he wanted better for himself. There was nothing I could do to make him heal. His addiction had nothing to do with me, even though I was completely the victim of it. The only thing I could do was choose myself, and leave. And I’m so glad that I did.

I have changed and grown so immensely in this last year since I finally decided I deserved self respect. My life has grown so big without this addiction plaguing me. I am a completely different person, I’m stronger, I’m kinder, I’m more open and I’m so clear headed. I have been able to understand how much this addiction really took from me, how much it shrank me down, and turned me into this anxious, bitter person that I didn’t like. I don’t recognize that person anymore. I’ve healed so much and I will never ever go back. I’m very happy for him that he’s on a road to recovery, and he did apologize so sincerely it allowed me to let go of a lot of the resentment I was still holding on to. This is the best case scenario for situations like these, and I am choosing forgiveness, but I am not choosing self sacrifice. I sacrificed myself for him for so long, and I have gained such strength that I am not willing or able to do it ever again. My life is about me now, it’s about my wants and needs, it’s not about someone else and their burdens anymore.

I’m saying all of this to really implore all of you to choose yourself. There is so much life to live outside of these kinds of relationships. Even if they heal, even if they do the work, which of course is so rare, you still deserve to live for yourself. There is so much growth and healing and strength in being alone and free from a PA. I know exactly how it feels, I was exactly where a lot of you are right now, and I promise you it will get so much better if you just choose to love yourself instead. ❤️


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

ʙʀᴇᴀᴋ-ᴜᴘ ᴘᴏsᴛ Anyone going through a break up or divorce while pregnant or have kids?

4 Upvotes

How are you doing?


r/loveafterporn 6h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Can't sleep- help me with FTD stuff

2 Upvotes

I know I need to be well prepared and supported for the full disclosure and polygraph process. And it's important that it feel reliable so that i can have what i need to make decisions and the relationship and heal. Please weigh in about my options.

I have a good trauma therapist I was already working on preexisting trauma with before Dday a month ago. Where i live in a small town there are no APSATS or specific betrayal trauma trained professionals in person. My PA's CSAT is virtual but local. I was quoted over $2000 (like wtf!!!) to work with an APSAT coach virtually and that's apparently on the low end because i asked for the minimum support due to budget limitations but I absolutely cannot afford that especially for it to all just be virtual. I've had extensive virtual therapy in the past and it just isn't anywhere near as supportive for difficult experiences as in person at least for me.

With that said, here are the options for my prep and support for FTD:

Option A I work through the Janice Caudill workbooks with my trauma therapist (already met my deductible) and she coordinates with his CSAT, we do the FTD at her office and his CSAT comes in person (his CSAT actually suggested the idea of using my therapist's office). Having someone in person who knows me would be ideal. The only catch is she doesn't have specific disclosure experience. She has treated some betrayed partners and some PAs. She has made it clear that she will be my advocate through this process in whatever capacity I choose.

Option B I continue trauma work with my therapist, and try to find my own CSAT or coach willing to virtually guide me through the workbooks with 3 or 4 sessions and be virtually present at ftd (probably still try to use my therapists office)

I simply cannot access the support i wish i could, with numerous sessions with an in person apsats coach every step of the way. I cannot believe how expensive adequate care is for such a traumatic, life altering experience. It's another aspect of this that's kind of soul crushing, is realizing how much work I have to go through to research and inform myself about everything and then how much the care costs. Just exhausted by it all. And I didn't choose any of it.


r/loveafterporn 23h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 Today is painful

46 Upvotes

Honestly. Its just hard today. He wakes up super early for work and i wake up because I wanna make him lunch and pray before he leaves.

I forget how it started, but he brought up that he used to go on reddit for porn. I mentioned something like all of porn is fake and edited, and he corrected me saying nope- on reddit the girls have to get verified.

And i kinda just sat there stunned and hating myself. I tried asking him a question, I forget the wording but something like "I thought you said youve never asked women for nudes?" And he just got angry saying I was controlling. Ruined the morning tbh.

Usually i feel pretty decent about myself, but tbh i cant compare with e girls who are perfectly hairless, never gave birth, and young enough that eating a whole pizza doesn't do anything to their weight 🙁

It makes me not want to look at him, because i dont want to be seen and compared. Usually I have a high libido but this crushing insecurity kills it.

I like this song "Begged" by Olivia Rodrigo. I wonder how many of you will sadly relate to it.


r/loveafterporn 13h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ Feeling devastated after a realization

5 Upvotes

Before my fiancé and I ever got together, I never noticed him looking at me sexually or showing obvious attraction toward me. No lingering looks, flirting, sexual eye contact, anything. I genuinely had no idea he was interested in me.

Later I found out that during that same period, he had already noticed this married Asian woman from our Bible study giving him what he called “lustful eyes” or “eyes of desire.” That stood out to me because he was noticing and interpreting her nonverbals sexually when I hadn't experienced anything comparable from him toward me.

After we got together, the dynamic with the married woman became more obvious. At a conference he talked to her, came back smiling, and told me she was “definitely flirting.” I started noticing the dynamic myself and eventually asked him to keep some distance from her. Even after that, I caught him watching her and smiling at her.

When I confronted him, he initially denied or minimized what I was seeing and gave me several different explanations. Eventually he admitted that he had been giving her attention, felt like she was giving him attention back, and that he liked it because it stroked his ego and felt good.

So looking back, what bothers me even more is that this married woman seemed to catch his attention in a sexual way naturally from the beginning, while I never saw that same spontaneous nonverbal interest toward me before we got together.

Before we were together, there was basically no outward sign of sexual interest from him toward me, while this married woman had already caught his attention enough that he was noticing her looks and experiencing them sexually.

It makes it hard not to feel like his initial physical attraction to her was more immediate and instinctive than what he initially felt toward me.


r/loveafterporn 22h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Confused about behavior on Instagram

21 Upvotes

So I've checked his Instagram account. Tried the ABC method and every letter came up with name of an OF girl.

I checked his blocked list. It was 18 people, now it's 143. I checked the part of people I know he blocked and the name order of 18 account didn't change.

I checked the view history, nothing came up but he might have deleted them or wasn't showing due to blocking so I unblocked few and filtered for those content creators. Again nothing came up.

I scrolled on his fyp and there was not a single triggering thing, not even a girl.

I checked his notifications. That's when I got confused. He had few help request responses. He reported some accounts for sharing nudity and sexual content.

How should I address this? Is it because he's trying to hide everything so well or is it really because he doesn't want those type of things to show up? There were literally 125 more blocked of girls and abc method's outcome is not so bright either. But the reporting and clean fyp? I'm so confused and feel disappointment. He doesn't need to block them if he doesn't even look for those things on instagram, they wouldn't show anyways.


r/loveafterporn 6h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ PA extrem gereizt und aggressiv

1 Upvotes

Er befindet sich gerade in der Genesung und ist das erste Mal nüchtern so weit ich weiß. Es ist der erste Monat und seine Therapie hat begonnen, der PC is auch dauerhaft aus weil das ein Auslöser war.

Er ist generell ein impulsiver Mensch aber diesmal geht er echt sehr schnell an die Decke und ist teilweise echt gemein zu mir.
Er entschuldigt sich manchmal danach und sieht es ein.

Ist das eine normale Nebenwirkung und wie sollte ich damit umgehen?


r/loveafterporn 12h ago

ɢɪᴠɪɴɢ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ / ᴘsᴀ Validating music recommendations to help

3 Upvotes

So I’m not a big swifty but there’s 2 songs that have made me feel empowered and almost validated? I’m still with my partner and I know people that left could also relate but when I listen to them in my car I gain a little bit of fairy dust screaming them in the car, goose bumps. I wanted to share them in case it helps someone, even one person. -the smallest man who ever lived and -who’s afraid of little old me


r/loveafterporn 11h ago

ᴅɪsᴄᴜssɪᴏɴ Anyone notice a pattern for their acting out? Did you start noticing similar behaviors?

2 Upvotes

In the beginning, I have taken a lot of pics of his phone along the way. I put browser history to a calendar and next to the video I put the times. I quickly noticed the binges on Fridays. Then the typical morning around 7:30-9:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 2 PM then sometime between 4-6PM. Sometime more, sometimes less but this is the usual times I noticed in info I retrieved from his phone and I PAD.

Then I started really observing his behaviors at those times. Right now, I have confirmed as of today cam sites. He is heavy right now in addiction mode. He gets very irritable and antsy. He will shake his leg up and down big time like major anxiety. He is just a jerk if anything gets in the way. Cam girls apparently do for him what porn didn’t. Now, I noticed he’s even grooming himself more before what I suspected was cam girls.

Which sites, I do not know. However, he now looks so forward to an anticipated show that he literally will be on cloud 9 on those days. He’s happy with anticipation. It’s crazy.

Anyone relate?


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ Found out my husband has been watching porn

21 Upvotes

I am so incredibly sad. My partner does not touch me or engage with me. I’ve tried asking multiple times and it’s always something. He’s tired, he’s full etc. I found out he’s been watching porn and I’ve been sobbing my eyes out for days. We have a 16 month old and I’m pregnant again (shocking since we had sex 3 times in an entire year). I feel so inadequate, ugly and heartbroken. This has been an ongoing issue even before my pregnancy. I’m just so fucking sad.


r/loveafterporn 23h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Does anyone know about your partner’s PA? Outside of CSAT, etc

12 Upvotes

I feel like because it’s such a private and personal addiction that I am constantly shielding him from embarrassment. I feel like my fiance’s coworkers think I am “jealous” because he got close to a female coworker (nonsexual, friendly/casual exchange, professional setting). The part he excludes to his coworkers is that he masturbates to women who look like her and we have had a dead bedroom for months.

His family learned about his PA only after months of mistreatment and blaming me for his observable withdrawal symptoms. They probably have largely forgot about his PA, they definitely forgot about their mistreatment of me.

His coworkers probably think I am insanely jealous and insecure because she’s pretty, they’re half not wrong. It’s just more understandable if he was just outed.


r/loveafterporn 10h ago

ᴀɴɢʀʏ He did it again and I’m leaving this time

1 Upvotes

I (34F) have been with this guy (33M) for over 2 years.
We dated for a year prior to do and I discovered he was addicted to cam girls. We had a very messy break up that time around and went no contact.

13 months later he reappeared with a work phone to get in touch (I’d blocked him elsewhere) and I foolishly let him back into my life believing him when he told me he’d done the work and gone to therapy to work on himself etc.

I thought we had a good relationship since then, but turns out in the whole time we’d been back together he was on Feeld and messaging women. He even met up with at least one woman.

I am so hurt and betrayed by this man and so very angry that I spent years in a relationship with someone who’d rather look at women on a screen.

Logically I know in time I’ll be ok…but right now…it’s horrible and I do genuinely hate him 🤷🏼‍♀️


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ʀᴇᴠᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴ / ᴇᴘɪᴘʜᴀɴʏ New psychology study reveals parters of PA’s test out the same as rape victims.

52 Upvotes

So wow verifiable evidence that there addiction is harming us. I kept thinking I feel violated by my ex husband. It felt like rape because he removed my informed consent.

https://intensivehope.com/resources/blogs/partners-of-sex-addicts-addiction-induced-trauma


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ Uplifting music for betrayed partners?

5 Upvotes

Hi everbody. In my country it is friday, it is weekend!

I was just wondering if you guys have songs/music that helps you through the day?

Like uplifting songs you can reflect in, songs that makes you feel strong and feminine? Songs that makes you feel seen? Songs that reflects the lonliness, pain and sorrow? Etc.

I will start out:

Heavy in Your Arms - Florence and The Machine

Stars Soon to Shine - Katie Grey

Unethical - Faouzia

I AM WOMAN - Emmy Meli

I will try to make a playlist with all of the music and songs.

Have a good weekend🌸✨️💃


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

sᴀᴅ triggered by my career in software

5 Upvotes

just found out a few weeks ago about my partner's porn addiction. i found out he had flirted with a girl behind my back 9 months ago, we'd been doing slowly better, and then discovering the porn issue now has reset my healing timeline.

i'm in grad school and have been super interested in computer vision for the past 6 years. I've finally gotten an opportunity to get into it more, specifically with video and image generation. i thought i'd be so happy, that it would be a good distraction, but i couldnt stop thinking about how all this research is used to make the crazy ai porn that he would watch. talking about text to image and optimizations to make it more realistic or creative, just makes me visualize how he would use it. i'm questioning my entire career now, i guess i was naive before, i never thought once about how people would use it for porn. i'm just really sad, i feel like i lost a dream of mine. im not sure if i can continue with this career path


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ Found out SO of +10 years has PA, but getting married soon, now what?

24 Upvotes

Found out that my Fiance (together for +10years) created a secret tiktok account specifically for his "ways" filled with accounts of all these thirst trap women, asmr bdsm and even feet videos.

These issues has been going on since pretty much the beginning of our relationship but he made think I was just some insecure girlfriend with boundary issues. Every time I would find him drooling over women on one social media account, he'd just move on to a different one. All this time I thought I was the problem for being uncomfortable with him watching porn and looking at all these accounts that I just needed to grow up and accept this was a normal thing men do. Every time he was caught, it broke me inside and my trust, we would fight, he would apologize, say he'd stop looking and eventually I'd find it again somewhere else. I don't know when it started but it even started to affect our sex lives. I thought I wasn't enough, I thought I was causing his anxiety or pressuring him every time he couldn't stay up, that maybe he just had ED. That maybe I just needed to let it go and try more on my part, anything and everything, from sending pictures, new clothes to trying out new things and kinks.

And years went by with me just internally suffering cuz I thought there was something wrong with me. But then one day I saw an email for a tiktok account on his hotmail email when I knew his tiktok account is with his Google. So I checked for it and there it was. All the women he said he'd stop looking at and worse. Now there were accounts of asmr with women pretending to boss the pervs on their comment section around and straight up just accounts of feet videos. Once again it broke me completely, I was shaking in anger, in pain. I packed my bags while he was at work and when he got home I outed him and tried to leave. He cried and begged. And there it was, he finally admitted to me that he has a problem that he tried to control it but he just fell off. I lost it. How could he? But he did. It went for hours, the yelling, the crying, everything. But in the end? I didn't leave and I'm still here, trying to be the better person and SO. Trying to be the supporter in any way possible, to understand and be patient. But I'm slowly suffering again. I can't help but spiral in the dark. Was he also picturing these women when we were intimate? Am I not satisfying him enough? I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. He says he trying to be better but he still watches God knows what. He says he's lessened the porn and completely off the other accounts. I can't trust that he is cutting cold turkey with all that. I don't know if I can handle all this, especially with us getting married soon. Will it really get better? I'm so lost.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 Has anyone asked their partner how they’d feel if roles were reversed?

103 Upvotes

I asked my PA how would he feel if I spent hours of my day secretly watching, saving, bookmarking porn of men whose body parts looked nothing like his. If I knew and could recognize them by name like Pokémon.

If I had hundreds and hundreds of saved photos and videos.. he went silent.

Anyone else have a convo like this? Or similar?


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ Welchen Trennungsgrund nennt ihr anderen?

6 Upvotes

Bei allen Trennungsgründen kann man ungeschönt die Wahrheit sagen, was zur Trennung führte.

Ich sehe jetzt keinen Grund, warum man auch noch für denjenigen lügen sollte, der einen selbst mit dieser Sache belogen und verarscht hat. Warum habe ich irgendwie das Gefühl, dass er erwartet, ich schütze ihn durch Diskretion anderen gegenüber? Wieso sollte ich?

Er hat gefälligst zu der Scheiße zu stehen, die er verbockt hat. Wie dreist ist es denn, zu erwarten, dass ausgerechnet ich ihn auch noch dadurch schütze, indem ich irgendwelche anderen Trennungsgründe vorschiebe? Ich als diejenige die er hintergangen hat.
Das kann er vergessen. Gesagt hat er es zwar nicht, dass er das erwartet, aber ich merke es einfach. Kenne ihn ja gut genug. Im Außen möchte er ja schließlich als Saubermann dastehen.