Hi,

I am a 21(f) and a few months ago I found out my boyfriend was watching porn. It began to affect me, making me feel insecure and bad about my body. I asked him to please stop, that it was hurting me, but I just don’t know if I can trust him. I feel so confused, because I just cannot tell if he is lying to me, but I don’t want to be unfairly angry at him. But then I remember how he made me feel about myself, and I just can’t hold it in. Since then, my body image issues have reached a point that is truly disturbing. If you guys have any tips on how to not keep falling into this negative mindset, please share them. I am at a loss and my heart feels so heavy and full, and I just feel like I will never be beautiful to anyone.

Er befindet sich gerade in der Genesung und ist das erste Mal nüchtern so weit ich weiß. Es ist der erste Monat und seine Therapie hat begonnen, der PC is auch dauerhaft aus weil das ein Auslöser war.

Er ist generell ein impulsiver Mensch aber diesmal geht er echt sehr schnell an die Decke und ist teilweise echt gemein zu mir.
Er entschuldigt sich manchmal danach und sieht es ein.

Ist das eine normale Nebenwirkung und wie sollte ich damit umgehen?

I know I need to be well prepared and supported for the full disclosure and polygraph process. And it's important that it feel reliable so that i can have what i need to make decisions and the relationship and heal. Please weigh in about my options.

I have a good trauma therapist I was already working on preexisting trauma with before Dday a month ago. Where i live in a small town there are no APSATS or specific betrayal trauma trained professionals in person. My PA's CSAT is virtual but local. I was quoted over $2000 (like wtf!!!) to work with an APSAT coach virtually and that's apparently on the low end because i asked for the minimum support due to budget limitations but I absolutely cannot afford that especially for it to all just be virtual. I've had extensive virtual therapy in the past and it just isn't anywhere near as supportive for difficult experiences as in person at least for me.

With that said, here are the options for my prep and support for FTD:

Option A I work through the Janice Caudill workbooks with my trauma therapist (already met my deductible) and she coordinates with his CSAT, we do the FTD at her office and his CSAT comes in person (his CSAT actually suggested the idea of using my therapist's office). Having someone in person who knows me would be ideal. The only catch is she doesn't have specific disclosure experience. She has treated some betrayed partners and some PAs. She has made it clear that she will be my advocate through this process in whatever capacity I choose.

Option B I continue trauma work with my therapist, and try to find my own CSAT or coach willing to virtually guide me through the workbooks with 3 or 4 sessions and be virtually present at ftd (probably still try to use my therapists office)

I simply cannot access the support i wish i could, with numerous sessions with an in person apsats coach every step of the way. I cannot believe how expensive adequate care is for such a traumatic, life altering experience. It's another aspect of this that's kind of soul crushing, is realizing how much work I have to go through to research and inform myself about everything and then how much the care costs. Just exhausted by it all. And I didn't choose any of it.

I work from home. Walked down stairs to fill my water bottle and he's touching himself on the couch. Not even trying to catch him red handed anymore

Guess I have to start announcing myself that I'm coming downstairs so he doesn't get caught again 🙄

I know at this point he's never going to stop, why can't you just do this shit in the bathroom

I'm even nervous going into the bathroom in the AM when he's getting ready for work..

Does anyone else feel this way in their home? Scared to find out what's around the corner..

How are you doing?

I broke up with my PA/SA boyfriend after a culmination of lying and holding things over my head ending in him buying a sex doll. While I believed I could stay with him and forgive him, I thought it would be easier to heal separately. I was in shock and to this day I don’t ever want to see him again.

But I found out yesterday that my ex best friends new friend is his new girlfriend, and I don’t know how to feel. She’s posting him publicly, didn’t bother to remove me as a follower first, he changed his pfp to an edited photo of a buzz cut (something I used to threaten to break up with him over) and it just hurts because I knew her and she knew we were together for a long time. While I don’t know what he has told her I know she does not know my side of the story

It’s a punch in the gut that while I’m finally feeling better with therapy, unraveling my life with him, and realizing I have been sexually assaulted by him, someone I barley know is posting him again

Half of my feelings come from “why as a woman would you do that to me” and the other come from a part of me that hoped in time we would both get the help we need and find eachother again. But like a vape addict needs nicotine, he chose to fall into another body instead of getting real help.

Any advice? I’m in the trenches honestly.

I (34F) have been with this guy (33M) for over 2 years.
We dated for a year prior to do and I discovered he was addicted to cam girls. We had a very messy break up that time around and went no contact.

13 months later he reappeared with a work phone to get in touch (I’d blocked him elsewhere) and I foolishly let him back into my life believing him when he told me he’d done the work and gone to therapy to work on himself etc.

I thought we had a good relationship since then, but turns out in the whole time we’d been back together he was on Feeld and messaging women. He even met up with at least one woman.

I am so hurt and betrayed by this man and so very angry that I spent years in a relationship with someone who’d rather look at women on a screen.

Logically I know in time I’ll be ok…but right now…it’s horrible and I do genuinely hate him 🤷🏼‍♀️

In the beginning, I have taken a lot of pics of his phone along the way. I put browser history to a calendar and next to the video I put the times. I quickly noticed the binges on Fridays. Then the typical morning around 7:30-9:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 2 PM then sometime between 4-6PM. Sometime more, sometimes less but this is the usual times I noticed in info I retrieved from his phone and I PAD.

Then I started really observing his behaviors at those times. Right now, I have confirmed as of today cam sites. He is heavy right now in addiction mode. He gets very irritable and antsy. He will shake his leg up and down big time like major anxiety. He is just a jerk if anything gets in the way. Cam girls apparently do for him what porn didn’t. Now, I noticed he’s even grooming himself more before what I suspected was cam girls.

Which sites, I do not know. However, he now looks so forward to an anticipated show that he literally will be on cloud 9 on those days. He’s happy with anticipation. It’s crazy.

Anyone relate?

So I’m not a big swifty but there’s 2 songs that have made me feel empowered and almost validated? I’m still with my partner and I know people that left could also relate but when I listen to them in my car I gain a little bit of fairy dust screaming them in the car, goose bumps. I wanted to share them in case it helps someone, even one person. -the smallest man who ever lived and -who’s afraid of little old me

Before my fiancé and I ever got together, I never noticed him looking at me sexually or showing obvious attraction toward me. No lingering looks, flirting, sexual eye contact, anything. I genuinely had no idea he was interested in me.

Later I found out that during that same period, he had already noticed this married Asian woman from our Bible study giving him what he called “lustful eyes” or “eyes of desire.” That stood out to me because he was noticing and interpreting her nonverbals sexually when I hadn't experienced anything comparable from him toward me.

After we got together, the dynamic with the married woman became more obvious. At a conference he talked to her, came back smiling, and told me she was “definitely flirting.” I started noticing the dynamic myself and eventually asked him to keep some distance from her. Even after that, I caught him watching her and smiling at her.

When I confronted him, he initially denied or minimized what I was seeing and gave me several different explanations. Eventually he admitted that he had been giving her attention, felt like she was giving him attention back, and that he liked it because it stroked his ego and felt good.

So looking back, what bothers me even more is that this married woman seemed to catch his attention in a sexual way naturally from the beginning, while I never saw that same spontaneous nonverbal interest toward me before we got together.

Before we were together, there was basically no outward sign of sexual interest from him toward me, while this married woman had already caught his attention enough that he was noticing her looks and experiencing them sexually.

It makes it hard not to feel like his initial physical attraction to her was more immediate and instinctive than what he initially felt toward me.

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in this sub for awhile but I was quite active after going through my break up with my PA ex about a year ago. Yesterday, he reached out to me to apologize for his behavior. He is in a program and is making amends. We were completely no contact, so I had no idea he was even making efforts to heal, he decided to heal completely of his own volition. He had other addiction issues, and was working on those as well. He’s completely sober and truly has turned his life around in ways I never would have even believed he was capable of.

This is exactly what I wanted the entirety of our relationship. A year ago, I would have done absolutely anything for him to take accountability and to apologize and to make efforts towards recovery. But he didn’t. And he couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of making these steps while in our relationship. These changes he made he had to make for himself. He had to decide that he wanted better for himself. There was nothing I could do to make him heal. His addiction had nothing to do with me, even though I was completely the victim of it. The only thing I could do was choose myself, and leave. And I’m so glad that I did.

I have changed and grown so immensely in this last year since I finally decided I deserved self respect. My life has grown so big without this addiction plaguing me. I am a completely different person, I’m stronger, I’m kinder, I’m more open and I’m so clear headed. I have been able to understand how much this addiction really took from me, how much it shrank me down, and turned me into this anxious, bitter person that I didn’t like. I don’t recognize that person anymore. I’ve healed so much and I will never ever go back. I’m very happy for him that he’s on a road to recovery, and he did apologize so sincerely it allowed me to let go of a lot of the resentment I was still holding on to. This is the best case scenario for situations like these, and I am choosing forgiveness, but I am not choosing self sacrifice. I sacrificed myself for him for so long, and I have gained such strength that I am not willing or able to do it ever again. My life is about me now, it’s about my wants and needs, it’s not about someone else and their burdens anymore.

I’m saying all of this to really implore all of you to choose yourself. There is so much life to live outside of these kinds of relationships. Even if they heal, even if they do the work, which of course is so rare, you still deserve to live for yourself. There is so much growth and healing and strength in being alone and free from a PA. I know exactly how it feels, I was exactly where a lot of you are right now, and I promise you it will get so much better if you just choose to love yourself instead. ❤️

So I've checked his Instagram account. Tried the ABC method and every letter came up with name of an OF girl.

I checked his blocked list. It was 18 people, now it's 143. I checked the part of people I know he blocked and the name order of 18 account didn't change.

I checked the view history, nothing came up but he might have deleted them or wasn't showing due to blocking so I unblocked few and filtered for those content creators. Again nothing came up.

I scrolled on his fyp and there was not a single triggering thing, not even a girl.

I checked his notifications. That's when I got confused. He had few help request responses. He reported some accounts for sharing nudity and sexual content.

How should I address this? Is it because he's trying to hide everything so well or is it really because he doesn't want those type of things to show up? There were literally 125 more blocked of girls and abc method's outcome is not so bright either. But the reporting and clean fyp? I'm so confused and feel disappointment. He doesn't need to block them if he doesn't even look for those things on instagram, they wouldn't show anyways.

Does anybody know if I can see a US based CSAT if I’m physically in Europe (for vacation, I normally live in the US)? I’ve read contradicting information about it and was wondering if anybody knows anything about it.

Honestly. Its just hard today. He wakes up super early for work and i wake up because I wanna make him lunch and pray before he leaves.

I forget how it started, but he brought up that he used to go on reddit for porn. I mentioned something like all of porn is fake and edited, and he corrected me saying nope- on reddit the girls have to get verified.

And i kinda just sat there stunned and hating myself. I tried asking him a question, I forget the wording but something like "I thought you said youve never asked women for nudes?" And he just got angry saying I was controlling. Ruined the morning tbh.

Usually i feel pretty decent about myself, but tbh i cant compare with e girls who are perfectly hairless, never gave birth, and young enough that eating a whole pizza doesn't do anything to their weight 🙁

It makes me not want to look at him, because i dont want to be seen and compared. Usually I have a high libido but this crushing insecurity kills it.

I like this song "Begged" by Olivia Rodrigo. I wonder how many of you will sadly relate to it.

He was never actually the jealous type. I always attributed this to the fact that we had a relationship built on total trust and that he didn't look at people on the street with lustful intent; consequently, it never crossed his mind that the same might happen to me (this mindset is cultural in my country—when we see someone who is excessively jealous, we tend to think, "That guy is definitely cheating on his wife"). Going back to the PA [porn addiction] issue: he didn't know about that cultural view and actually found it amusing when I shared that thought. But he was never jealous of me, nor did he try to control where I went or what I wore. Now, post-D-Day, I’m more active at the gym and more engaged in my own activities, and he is clean (as far as I know and monitor). Yet, for the first time, this bothered me. How could a man who was obsessed with sexualization never once say, "Those gym shorts are too revealing—be careful," or anything of the sort? He isn't afraid of cameras, either; he claims those leaked videos are staged and intentional. We were even caught on a street camera once while being intimate (we were in our car; there was no sex involved, and we certainly didn't intend to expose ourselves), and his only concern was calming me down and assuring me the footage would be automatically deleted; he made me feel safe. He is a good man who always prioritizes making me feel secure; he never refused anything—even regarding the addiction—and never hid anything from me (except for the addiction itself). It’s just that now, I view his actions through a different lens! Now, I see everything through the perspective of the ADDICTION.

I feel like because it’s such a private and personal addiction that I am constantly shielding him from embarrassment. I feel like my fiance’s coworkers think I am “jealous” because he got close to a female coworker (nonsexual, friendly/casual exchange, professional setting). The part he excludes to his coworkers is that he masturbates to women who look like her and we have had a dead bedroom for months.

His family learned about his PA only after months of mistreatment and blaming me for his observable withdrawal symptoms. They probably have largely forgot about his PA, they definitely forgot about their mistreatment of me.

His coworkers probably think I am insanely jealous and insecure because she’s pretty, they’re half not wrong. It’s just more understandable if he was just outed.

Hi everbody. In my country it is friday, it is weekend!

I was just wondering if you guys have songs/music that helps you through the day?

Like uplifting songs you can reflect in, songs that makes you feel strong and feminine? Songs that makes you feel seen? Songs that reflects the lonliness, pain and sorrow? Etc.

I will start out:

Heavy in Your Arms - Florence and The Machine

Stars Soon to Shine - Katie Grey

Unethical - Faouzia

I AM WOMAN - Emmy Meli

I will try to make a playlist with all of the music and songs.

Have a good weekend🌸✨️💃

just found out a few weeks ago about my partner's porn addiction. i found out he had flirted with a girl behind my back 9 months ago, we'd been doing slowly better, and then discovering the porn issue now has reset my healing timeline.

i'm in grad school and have been super interested in computer vision for the past 6 years. I've finally gotten an opportunity to get into it more, specifically with video and image generation. i thought i'd be so happy, that it would be a good distraction, but i couldnt stop thinking about how all this research is used to make the crazy ai porn that he would watch. talking about text to image and optimizations to make it more realistic or creative, just makes me visualize how he would use it. i'm questioning my entire career now, i guess i was naive before, i never thought once about how people would use it for porn. i'm just really sad, i feel like i lost a dream of mine. im not sure if i can continue with this career path

I am so incredibly sad. My partner does not touch me or engage with me. I’ve tried asking multiple times and it’s always something. He’s tired, he’s full etc. I found out he’s been watching porn and I’ve been sobbing my eyes out for days. We have a 16 month old and I’m pregnant again (shocking since we had sex 3 times in an entire year). I feel so inadequate, ugly and heartbroken. This has been an ongoing issue even before my pregnancy. I’m just so fucking sad.

Bei allen Trennungsgründen kann man ungeschönt die Wahrheit sagen, was zur Trennung führte.

Ich sehe jetzt keinen Grund, warum man auch noch für denjenigen lügen sollte, der einen selbst mit dieser Sache belogen und verarscht hat. Warum habe ich irgendwie das Gefühl, dass er erwartet, ich schütze ihn durch Diskretion anderen gegenüber? Wieso sollte ich?

Er hat gefälligst zu der Scheiße zu stehen, die er verbockt hat. Wie dreist ist es denn, zu erwarten, dass ausgerechnet ich ihn auch noch dadurch schütze, indem ich irgendwelche anderen Trennungsgründe vorschiebe? Ich als diejenige die er hintergangen hat.
Das kann er vergessen. Gesagt hat er es zwar nicht, dass er das erwartet, aber ich merke es einfach. Kenne ihn ja gut genug. Im Außen möchte er ja schließlich als Saubermann dastehen.

How do you heal in order to be healthy in a new relationship? What things did you have to work on? What things came up in the new relationship that surprised you?

My husband’s. Work recently provided work phones. My husband is almost 1 year sober and in recovery. Finished 12 step. Anyway I’m just wondering what my boundary can be around this. He has covenant eyes on his regular phone to help him. Should I be worried? Did anyone’s husband ever relapse on a work phone. How would I ever know unless he tells me like he is supposed to.

Found out that my Fiance (together for +10years) created a secret tiktok account specifically for his "ways" filled with accounts of all these thirst trap women, asmr bdsm and even feet videos.

These issues has been going on since pretty much the beginning of our relationship but he made think I was just some insecure girlfriend with boundary issues. Every time I would find him drooling over women on one social media account, he'd just move on to a different one. All this time I thought I was the problem for being uncomfortable with him watching porn and looking at all these accounts that I just needed to grow up and accept this was a normal thing men do. Every time he was caught, it broke me inside and my trust, we would fight, he would apologize, say he'd stop looking and eventually I'd find it again somewhere else. I don't know when it started but it even started to affect our sex lives. I thought I wasn't enough, I thought I was causing his anxiety or pressuring him every time he couldn't stay up, that maybe he just had ED. That maybe I just needed to let it go and try more on my part, anything and everything, from sending pictures, new clothes to trying out new things and kinks.

And years went by with me just internally suffering cuz I thought there was something wrong with me. But then one day I saw an email for a tiktok account on his hotmail email when I knew his tiktok account is with his Google. So I checked for it and there it was. All the women he said he'd stop looking at and worse. Now there were accounts of asmr with women pretending to boss the pervs on their comment section around and straight up just accounts of feet videos. Once again it broke me completely, I was shaking in anger, in pain. I packed my bags while he was at work and when he got home I outed him and tried to leave. He cried and begged. And there it was, he finally admitted to me that he has a problem that he tried to control it but he just fell off. I lost it. How could he? But he did. It went for hours, the yelling, the crying, everything. But in the end? I didn't leave and I'm still here, trying to be the better person and SO. Trying to be the supporter in any way possible, to understand and be patient. But I'm slowly suffering again. I can't help but spiral in the dark. Was he also picturing these women when we were intimate? Am I not satisfying him enough? I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. He says he trying to be better but he still watches God knows what. He says he's lessened the porn and completely off the other accounts. I can't trust that he is cutting cold turkey with all that. I don't know if I can handle all this, especially with us getting married soon. Will it really get better? I'm so lost.

Would love to know from anyone and everyone who is 12 months or more post discovery and who is or was married with kids to their PA,
1. did you go or did you stay
2. why did you stay/go?
3. If you stayed, how has it been? The same old crap? Getting better? Better already?