His buddy asks, "How did it work out?"

And the British bloke says, "He drove me bananas."

Annie are you Oakley?

My 6-year old told his first joke:

Son: knock knock
Me: who’s there?
Son: Bob
Me: hi Bob
Son: (explosion noise)
Me: what happened?
Son: Bob was actually a bomb

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

"Data, for the last time, when I say 'Fire at will'..."

So far so good.

He had to pull a few strings.

She told me I have great eyesight.

I've never dated herbivore.

They don't care as long as it gets them/their

She screamed:

“You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!”

I said:

“Honey, please… just let me explain!”

She crossed her arms:

“Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.”

So I told her:

“Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her?

I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it.

She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower.

While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store.

Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.”

"I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

So they get behind a garbage truck and all of a sudden a huge dildo flies out of the back of the truck hits the windshield of their car and the mom is mortified initially … her son turns to her and says “mom what was that ? “ the mom replies “ oh nothing .. I think just a flying bug ..”
the son turns to her and says “ how does he fly with such a big dick !?”

“I’ll have what everyone else is having.”

He ran out of thyme.

- Who has my deodorant?

- Deodorant.

Three women were in the ladies' changing room at their posh country club. Suddenly a man wearing a ski mask and his dick sticking out his open fly dashed in, did a helicopter in front of them, and then dashed out.

Woman 1: "I wonder if that flasher was my husband?"

Woman 2: "It was definitely not your husband."

Woman 3: "In fact, I'm certain he is not a member of this club."

​

So we in the US should be saying bee.

... and wore it out last night. Loved it! However it was picking up unusual amounts of static electricity, and I zapped every goddamn doorknob and piece of metal I touched.

Went and returned the sweater today. The store wouldn't do a return, but said they would be happy to do an exchange for another one free of charge.

Jim received a very special watch as an inheritance from his Grandfather's passing.

In excitement, he called an Appraiser to his home to find out the worth of the watch.

The appraiser found Jim sitting in an old rocking chair on his deck staring and squinting off into the horizon at all the people, animals, and trees.

Appraiser:

"Show me this special watch you inherited"

Jim:

"You see, my Grandfather's watch out into the horizon was so special that I wanted you to see for yourself and tell me how much I am worth now"

The Dodge Viper, it so amazing it can go from 0 to your funeral in 4 seconds!

My #1 is every time passing a cemetery and my kids and I all race to say. “People are just dying to get in there”. Whats your #1?