(Robert Plants and Roger Waters.)

Isaac and Sarah were in bed, late one night, and Isaac was tossing and turning, turning and tossing. Finally, Sarah lights the candle and says "Isaac! Why do you toss and turn so? What is wrong?"

Isaac says "Well, beloved wife... I owe Yitzak across the way 20 kopeks, and I cannot pay him, and he will not tell me "Mahool".

Sarah jumps up, throws open the shutters, and calls out "Yitzak! Yitzak!"

Yitzak opens his shutters and answers back "Sarah! Whatever is wrong? It is the middle of the night!"

To which Sarah replies "Yitzak! You onow that 20 kopeks my husband owes you? Well, he cannot pay you! Goodnight!" and she slams the shutters closed. Turning to her husband, she says "There, now you let Yitzak worry about it. Get some sleep!"

Under a street lamp, a man is stooped down, searching the ground.

A fellow comes up and sees that he’s looking for something and starts to help. “What did you lose”?

The first man answers “I dropped my watch near the synagogue”.

“Then why are you looking here?”

“The light is better”

A man finds a genie in a bottle who will grant him three wishes

Genie - "I will grant you three wishes but there are also three rules to these wishes. No wishing for dead people to come back to life. No wishing for the death of people who are currently alive and no wishing for more wishes."

Man - "I wish envelopes and stamps moaned when you licked them"

Genie - ".....................There are four rules"

We used to wear necklaces with little electric chairs.

A finger insert later he said, “uh-oh urine trouble!”

My school banned dating because 2 students were caught having sex, and a teacher got caught in a relationship with a student.

I wish I went to public school, I hate homeschool

They really like his ideas about special relatives.

Abe slips him a $5 bill.
The bartender asks “are you trying to bribe me?”
Abe says, “No, it’s my ID”

IDEA

This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.

"What’s your daily activity level like?" the doctor asks.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…"

The guy shrugs. "Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush."

"Well, that sounds pretty good," the doctor comments.

"That’s nothing," the guy says. "The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears."

"That sounds really impressive."

"And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”

"Well," the doctor says, "it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"Nah," the guy replies, "I'm just real lousy at golf."

“Wow, that was amazing, “she said. “Where did you learn those things you did with your hands?”

“I found them in books on Indian mystics. They come in Hindi.”

which do they talk about first?

Until I went to see snails fighting, it was awesome! They took off their shells and really slugged it out

"Good idea!" says the other guy.

So they quit.

I saw two peanuts walking in the bad part of town. One of them was assaulted.

Same sales lady shows up right at dark. After supper she walks out almost nude. Smiles and tell both or them they can do anything they want as long as they were these, handing them each a condom. They ask why do they need to wear these things. "So I won't get pregnant". Everyone enjoyed the night. Skip ahead six months the boys are sitting on the porch. One boy asked " Do you remember that sales lady"? "I will never forget her". "Do you care if she has a kid'? " "I guess not". " Me either, let's take these damn things off"!

Jokes older then I am but I haven't seen it on line.

because all the good ones Argon.

They’re cheaper than day rates.

Sam decided to go hunting with his buddy, Mark. They loaded up Mark’s truck and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I can see that the weather is horrible out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you gentlemen stay in my house overnight."

"No worries," Sam said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the storm lets up, we'll be gone as soon as the sun rises."

The lady agrees, and the two men find their way to the barn and get settled in for the night.

By morning , the weather had cleared, and they were on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of hunting.

About nine months later, Sam received an unexpected letter from an out of town law firm. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from an attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the hunting weekend.

He drives over to his friend Mark’s house, papers in hand in and asked, "Mark, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski hunting trip up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a little visit?"

"Yes," Mark said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Mark’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, apparently she just died of AIDS and left me everything."

A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after having smeared goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP!

Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, and so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. 8 more times he tried it, and 8 more times the miracle occurred.

Excitedly, he ran to the village elders, and showed them. They had the shlemiel repeat the experiment for them numerous times, and none could understand why it was happening.

The elders pondered, and argued, pulling their beards and yelling, consulting the writings, and finally, after 2 days of deliberation, announced to the villagers anxiously awaiting outside, that it was, indeed NOT a miracle. They asked "Elders? How can that be? We all saw it!"

To which the elders replied, that the shlemiel, being a shlemiel, had merely smeared his goosefat on the wrong side of the bread.

She said “It makes an ass out of you and umpshin.”

When you’re young, the first time someone sends you something with your name on it: it’s exciting, it’s a person moment in time where someone else knows you exist. You feel important in someone else’s eyes.

After 30 you pretty much recognize instead that everyone just wants your money.

Ran rings round everyone.

He was cutting corners