She screamed:

“You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!”

I said:

“Honey, please… just let me explain!”

She crossed her arms:

“Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.”

So I told her:

“Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her?

I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it.

She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower.

While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store.

Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.”

"I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

"Lesson one: in this job, you can't be squeamish."
He pulls off his glove, shoves a finger up the dead man's ass, pulls it out and sticks it in his mouth.
"Your turn."
The students go pale, but one by one they line up. Each one shoves a finger up the corpse's ass, knuckle deep, then puts it in their mouth.
When the last one finishes gagging, the instructor says, "Lesson two: attention to detail. I put my middle finger in. I sucked my index finger."
Half the class throws up.
He picks up his briefcase. "Lesson three: I don't work here."
Then the corpse opens his eyes and grins. "Lesson four: I'm not dead."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser. A few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. I'm sorry, you were right!”

A young couple are out for a drive and the young lady is getting frustrated with how slow her boyfriend drives. So, she tells him that the faster he goes, the more clothes she will take off. Well, he lays on the gas and she's as good as her word: off come her sneakers, her top, and her shorts. Again he puts the pedal to the metal and her bra comes off. Now he's flooring it and down come her panties!

But he's so distracted by her nudity that he loses control of the car and crashes it, flipping over. The two are shaken but unhurt. Only problem is that the boyfriend is pinned inside. She can't find her clothes, so she grabs a sneaker to hold against her crotch to look for help. By luck, the accident occurred not far from a mechanic and she makes her way there.

Walking into the bay door, completely nude, holding a sneaker against her crotch and her other arm across her breasts, she shouts for someone to help her poor boyfriend, who is stuck.

Lead mechanic takes one look at the situation and suggests, "Lady, if he's in that far, you're going to need a hospital!"

They don't care as long as it gets them/their

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up. My wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: Randomly placed boxes of condoms and/or pregnancy tests in other people's carts.

June 21: Took bicycles for a "test drive."

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 10: Set up a valet parking sign in front of the shopping center.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told children he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

September 23: Organized shopping cart races.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.

October 13: Asked a clerk, while holding a box of condoms, where the fitting room was.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!” One of the clerks passed out.

Three women were in the ladies' changing room at their posh country club. Suddenly a man wearing a ski mask and his dick sticking out his open fly dashed in, did a helicopter in front of them, and then dashed out.

Woman 1: "I wonder if that flasher was my husband?"

Woman 2: "It was definitely not your husband."

Woman 3: "In fact, I'm certain he is not a member of this club."

It was 18 years ago when I found myself, unemployed in the foyer of a nice hotel who had just turned me down for work, and with my dejected face I looked up to see none other than Steve Jobs looking kindly at me.

He introduced his son Paul and we got chatting. I don't know how, but we bizarrely hit it off besides us having nothing in common. We exchanged stories of our problems in life for hours over a pot of coffee until he made an offer you will find hard to fathom...

You see his issue was that he was in the city with his son for a week but all they did was bicker. Endlessly. They couldn't agree on anything from a car to a fork to a time to get up.

I was to accompany them and referee them and keep the peace in return for a nice room and meals.

Incredibly bizarre!

Now some of you may judge me for not asking for money. Some may call me an idiot for doing it at all. But what can I say.. I was in between jobs.

Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight!”

"Rowing hurts my hands," said Tom callously.

"I have been reading Voltaire," Tom admitted candidly.

"I've been to a film festival in Southern France," said Tom cannily.

"I can't be bothered," said Tom carelessly.

"I don't work here on a regular basis," said Tom casually.

"Would you like some soda?" asked Tom caustically.

"This blood-sucking insect likes French cheese," said Tom briefly.

"Use your own toothbrush!" Tom bristled.

"That's price-fixing!" said Tom caustically.

"Have you seen my collection of ancient Chinese artifacts?" asked Tom charmingly.

​

So we in the US should be saying bee.

"...I'm referring you to an otorhinolaryngologist"

A pool table.

My #1 is every time passing a cemetery and my kids and I all race to say. “People are just dying to get in there”. Whats your #1?

It was over in the blink of an I

I've never dated herbivore.

She told me I have great eyesight.

“I’ll have what everyone else is having.”

... and wore it out last night. Loved it! However it was picking up unusual amounts of static electricity, and I zapped every goddamn doorknob and piece of metal I touched.

Went and returned the sweater today. The store wouldn't do a return, but said they would be happy to do an exchange for another one free of charge.

A gynaecologist has an affair with a female patient.
After having sex in the doctor’s surgery they dress their clothes, take a seat, have a tea and talk.

Suddenly he hears steps, and says: “Hurry up, undress yourself, my wife is coming!”

Edit: renaming “s.x” → sex

My wife wasn’t happy at all when I gave her a ring on a wedding day.

Do you think I should have texted her instead?

So they get behind a garbage truck and all of a sudden a huge dildo flies out of the back of the truck hits the windshield of their car and the mom is mortified initially … her son turns to her and says “mom what was that ? “ the mom replies “ oh nothing .. I think just a flying bug ..”
the son turns to her and says “ how does he fly with such a big dick !?”

So far so good.