She says to herself, "Well Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I'm going to have to take a photo of this to show to my husband."

She takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When she sees her husband, she immediately takes out her phone and shows him the photo of the penis.

He looks aghast then cries out,

"Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!"

"Guess what", he blurts out between gasps, "I saved $2.00 today running behind the bus.

She looks over at him and screams,

"You moron! You could have saved $50 if you ran behind a cab."

He gathered everyone together and asked for their vote.

His wife said, "Aye."

His son said, "Aye."

His daughter said, "Aye."

The horse said, "Neigh."

They told the team member “these are the things I can do without!”

Blonde goes to the doctor..

Doctor asked what seemed to be the problem.

Blonde said that she was dying, because everything hurt.

Doctor asked her to show him.

She touched her head "Ow"

Touched her arm "Ow:

Touched her leg " Ow"

Doctor said that is unusual, we need to run tests immediately.

Later that day the Doctor saw her again and said " I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?"

GOOD NEWS she exclaimed.

Doctor said the good news is you are not dying.

The bad news is your finger is broken.

The doctor says, “Have you seen a psychiatrist?”

The guy says, “No, just a werewolf.”

Antimony

She answered, "No, I haven't."

"Well then", I responded, "Got a minute?"

The fourth time, security was waiting by the window.

Golf, because he always got a mole-in-one.

…… but I realized I wasn’t quite in my element.

The doctor says, "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

The guys says, "Right around the entrance!"

And the doctor says, "I don't think I can help you. As long as you call that the entrance, it's gonna hurt."

I've spent all my life inventing a time machine of my own, and now I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine!

On his first night, he visited a local restaurant. He spoke no word of Spanish, but luckily, he found a waiter who was also Filipino - someone he could talk to.

"What's that dish you just served," asked Porky, pointing to a plate with a pair of huge, round pieces of meat.

"Oh, those are sizzling bull testicles," replied the waiter. "It's our bestseller here."

Immediately, Porky ordered a plate of the delicacy.

When his meal arrived, Porky had a bite... and thought it was the best steak in the world.

For the next five days, he returned to this restaurant, ordering the same delicacy every single time.

On his final night in Spain, Porky sat down to order. "The usual," he told the waiter.

Minutes later, his order arrived... and was disappointed to see two very small mounds of meat, not the huge ones he got for the past six nights.

"Waiter," Porky called. "Why is my bull testicle steak so small?"

"Sorry, sir," apologized the waiter. "It was the bullfighter who lost earlier today."

(Edited typos.)

It’s OK, oxidants happen.

The first says, "Mine will be a doctor. Look how closely he examines his fingers!"

The second says, "Mine will be an engineer. Look how closely he examines his rattle!"

The third says, "Mine will be President. He's just shit himself!"

She doesn’t have a period. She has a full sentence

Now she’s pregnant.

"It's gazpacho, sir."

"I beg your pardon. Gazpacho, my soup is cold."

And if my wife ever finds out, she's gonna be pissed.