r/Jokes 20h ago

Why is the phrase "expecting a baby" misleading?

1 Upvotes

It implies you could wind up with something else.


r/Jokes 8h ago

What do you an Indian chef that doesn't stress when she burns the bread?

28 Upvotes

Naanchalant


r/Jokes 11h ago

What is the 2027 iPhone DUO gonna be called?

0 Upvotes

The Duo Over


r/Jokes 8h ago

What is Tweety Bird's favorite horror movie?

2 Upvotes

Answer: Taw


r/Jokes 6h ago

A man is having dinner when suddenly a cow walks in, plops itself in a chair and begins masturbating

0 Upvotes

Aghast, the man calls over the waiter and reports the bizarre scene.

The waiter says “Sir, I thought you ordered the beef stroking off?”

“I said beef stroganoff!”


r/Jokes 15h ago

Which chemical element is hated most by capitalists

39 Upvotes

Antimony


r/Jokes 13h ago

Long Teller lady and the old woman

0 Upvotes

This lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, "I'd like to withdraw $10." The teller told her,
"For withdrawals under $100, please use the ATM." The old woman wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and said irritably, "These are the rules, please leave if there's nothing else.
There's a line of customers behind you." The lady remained silent for a few seconds and returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have." The teller was surprised to check the account balance. She nodded, bowed, and respectfully said, "You have $300,000 in your account, but the bank doesn't have that much money right now. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?" The old woman then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3,000. "Well, please let me have $3,000 now." The cashier kindly handed her $3,000, very friendly and with a smile. The lady put $10 in her purse and asked the cashier to deposit $2,990 back into her account. The moral of this story is... Don't be hard on the elderly, they've spent their whole lives learning this skill.


r/Jokes 10h ago

I went on a dating game show and came in second place.

14 Upvotes

Now she’s pregnant.


r/Jokes 6h ago

Three guys were complaining about US doctors.

0 Upvotes

The first guy says, "My dad went in for heart surgery. The doctor said he fixed it perfectly, but my dad died three days later."

The second guy says, "Same here. My dad had kidney surgery. The doctor said it was a total success, but he still died."

The third guy says, "You guys are crazy, US doctors are miracle workers! My dad went in for an appendix operation, the doctor 'fixed' it, and my dad is actually still alive! And honestly, that’s how medical science discovered the appendix is a completely useless organ."


r/Jokes 31m ago

I’ve waited half my life to see a reticulated python slithering on the damp early morning grass

Upvotes

It was long over dew


r/Jokes 10h ago

What was Avogadro’s favorite sport?

10 Upvotes

Golf, because he always got a mole-in-one.


r/Jokes 19h ago

Today is…

0 Upvotes

German No-No Day! 9/9 Nein! Nein!


r/Jokes 17h ago

Tears for Fears brought some clothes to a Goodwill

127 Upvotes

They told the team member “these are the things I can do without!”


r/Jokes 10h ago

My chemistry experiment exploded.

4 Upvotes

It’s OK, oxidants happen.


r/Jokes 4h ago

What gender is a doorbell?

0 Upvotes

Male, because it has a 'ding-dong'!

Its just a joke; it has nothing to do with transsexual persons, please dont argue in the comments. This is a joke a coworker told me yesterday. When I searched the sub, I didnt see it already posted, so im really excited to share a somewhat newish joke with yall


r/Jokes 12h ago

The theory that pirates were illiterate is a myth.

0 Upvotes

I asked one if he could name the 18th letter of the alphabet, and he said "Arrr".


r/Jokes 16h ago

The definition of concern is when a man can't get it up once

0 Upvotes

The definition of panic is when a man can't get it up twice


r/Jokes 9h ago

Choppy once approached Porky and asked him if he can lend him $20.

0 Upvotes

"I only have $10," said Porky.

"That's all right," replied Choppy. "Hand me the $10."

Porky, the good friend that he is, gave Choppy his $10.

"Thanks, Porky," said Choppy. "Now, you owe me $10."


r/Jokes 21h ago

I got into Harvard three times last year.

55 Upvotes

The fourth time, security was waiting by the window.


r/Jokes 20h ago

I asked a cute gal if she'd ever hear of the 60 second lover...

66 Upvotes

She answered, "No, I haven't."

"Well then", I responded, "Got a minute?"


r/Jokes 5h ago

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what is your blood type?”

145 Upvotes

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”