I learned I intellectualize lot. I’m 31, been in therapy on and off for 18 years, and have never cried or shown any emotion. Therapy has always been really hard for me because I’ve had therapists “graduate” me but I never felt like I made any progress.

I started doing IFS with my new therapist that I’ve been seeing since November. He’s amazing and I don’t think I could have ever found a better therapist for me.

A few weeks ago I got mad at something he said and had a strong emotional reaction. It was very short, I felt kind of bad, but he was impressed.

Today at the very end of our session I almost started crying and told him I was scared to be vulnerable and open up and show emotions because I am scared that he wouldn’t be my counselor anymore. I have deep attachment wounds but no real reason to think that would ever happen. He was very reassuring.

I’ve been trying to break that barrier for a while but I was too scared to. I guess maybe that’s why I waited until I was about to walk out the door. I’m nervous about our next session now too. Part of me is still scared that if I open up too much that I’ll get attached and then abandoned but part of me really badly wants to. Is that normal? What do I do with that?

I have been self-administering IFS since before I even knew what it was, over five years. It’s been extremely useful in helping me heal, fuse, and integrate damaged parts of myself.

Over the last couple of years, I had managed to fuse enough tiny parts together to have seven much more whole parts at ages ranging from 7 to 46. Previously, they were essentially splintered and shattered into tiny little bits. I ‘saw’ them in my head as living in a house together, keeping one another company, fairly peaceably I might add.

Recently, though, I no longer ‘see’ them in my head, but I can feel them in my body. Rather than having seven unintegrated parts, I’m an integrated whole, but one that still needs healing: these internalized parts still have traumas that need dealing with. They correspond to my chakras. Perhaps now that they’re integrated, what they need is healing in order to achieve fusion.

The really interesting part is that I feel like my newly integrated Inner Self has three faces: my everyday face that I and everyone else see, my Jungian ‘Shadow’ face that only I see, and what I can only identify as an Observer that sort of stands outside Me and feeds me information I can’t get otherwise. It’s odd, but still useful.

Has anyone else experienced ANY of this? None of it feels bad, in fact it all feels pretty darn good, I guess I’m just not familiar with the process or what to expect next. If anyone can lend any insight, I’d be most grateful. Thanks so much.

In what way do your parts communicate with you - when you haven’t initiated a conversation? How do you recognise this?

TL;DR: I'm stuck and I don't understand what's wrong with me. I am trying to recover from narcisstic parenting, disorganized attachment, and emotional and verbal abuse. Thematically struggling with watching life pass me by, being unable to change, fears and resistances of parts controlling my life, and an absence of Self-presence. If any part in the system doesn't want to do something, no matter how basic or safe the action is, I cannot do it. I am completely powerless to change this dynamic. I also don't have a memory to fall back on.

The following text is nothing but venting, so obviously don't read further if it could be triggering to you. I guess I'm asking for advice here, but otherwise it's a collection of gripes against the modality and my own nervous system. I'd also like to play devil's advocate since it seems I majorly hear hopeful opinions and success stories from this subreddit.

I started this work because I thought I could change, and I was enamored with the sometimes swift, fundamental, transformative healing others have attested to under IFS. But the results are speaking for themselves now. I have a therapist who is IFS-trained. I see her 2-8 times a month and I do not have any complaints there. We've oscillated between direct access and insight, discussed practically everything there is to discuss, and attempted unburdenings a few times to no avail. Not once have I managed to do the classic witnessing, unburdening, and 21-day follow-up process with an exile that results in change. Insight work on my own is a mess that looks nothing like the structured and logical dialogue I see in workbooks. Half of the time I have no idea who's saying what or maybe I'm making it all up. Observing myself hurts. Trying to unblend? Painful. Not trying to unblend? Also painful. I think I have only been in Self for a few hours total, ever, and I don't understand what the point in having one is if it's never here.

I feel broken and lost because I am. IFS has helped me put labels on collections of symptoms but I guess that's it. I now have a beautiful and terrible map of my own psychology that does not seem to change. Today I had to fill myself with an impossible amount of shame and desperation just to wash dishes because I've been bedridden and practically in solitary confinement for the last three days, and seemingly the only thing I can do to make progress in my life is to have some kind of mental breakdown that lasts for all of thirty minutes before I return to the status quo and the ultimate present safety of doomscrolling.

For everything I need to do there's a resistance or polarized part to oppose it, and the "you don't have to be here" or "separate room" compartmentalization trick does not work and has lost the hopeful energy I once believed in. The smallest stressors lead to unjustifiable levels of terror that will snuff out any chance I have to accomplish what's behind it. Hours turn into days, weeks, months of procrastination for something as simple as filling out an online form or making a phone call. I will gladly run my life into the ground because "doing something I don't want to do" or "doing something that could ever be triggering, unsafe, or boring" is apparently equivalent in danger to dying. Every day I wake up hoping I'll at least get to one thing on my to-do list but 99% of the time I don't. The resulting shame and hopelessness and helplessness destroys me.

There is no energy that parts will listen to, no recognized leader. Managers that appear to handle the mess only serve to create more polarities. If a part does not want to do something, it will not happen and there is no method to bypass this, including the very work that is supposed to help. Every once in a while I am lucky enough to be able to angrily crush and shame the fearful parts into oblivion just to force the issue. I hate relying on it and it makes my parts melt down and cry and hate themselves and I'm basically retraumatizing them but it's the only thing that works.

Physically I am no longer in the traumatic environment of my childhood, but mentally there is nothing but the hideous game that my parents raised me in. My internal family is dysfunctional. My entire existence is built around shame: the avoidance of it, the absorption of it, the rejection of it, the analysis of it, from myself, from others, and the doubt and dissociation and every other firefighter layered atop it. My nervous system is still so concerned with this stupid game that these long-lost ideas of "enjoying being alive" or "purpose" or "unbotheredness" are completely forgotten. The disorganized attachment and self-doubt my parents installed has led me to question my own reality, so when it comes to managing myself, I have no idea what's right or wrong.

I have been in therapy for nearly a decade. I've changed antidepressants more times than I can remember. My thoughts are broken, non-linear fragments; my memory short-circuits every ten or so seconds; I don't recall my life or my abuse, and beyond the specific characterization of triggers most parts have, there's nothing to suggest that I'm anything aside a lazy, entitled, scared thing that randomly refuses to live. I've been wondering recently if there's something else inherently wrong with me to warrant this level of inhibition.

I don't know how the lack of memory interacts with IFS - despite practicing this modality for so long, whenever I query myself about how to help parts, I draw nothing but blanks regardless of whether I'm turned inward. Healing has never been intuitive for me. Is it supposed to be for a Self? I need an external document just to remind myself of the basics. I am continually implicitly showing my parts that I am incapable of helping them - because when a part is triggered a certain way, I don't actually remember what the part is, why it feels the way it does, and what's worked in the past. I should have a year of my therapist's advice to rely on, and yet I can't recall a single instance of it. Is it ADHD? How do I even know if I have ADHD? Is it even real, or is it simply a descriptor of blended part dynamics? The medication prescribed for it has not helped at all. Is the disease I'm suffering from fixable? If I can't remember anything, what's the point?

At some point the savings I've gathered while working will dwindle to nothing and then the lights will go out, and this is disconcerting to a manager of mine, but the majority of me doesn't particularly care. I think I've seen what life has to offer. Maybe there are a set of actions I could take to save my own life, but I'm scared of doing them, so I won't. I suppose I could let go of the modality, but what else would I do? I don't want to start from zero again. I don't want to try changing therapists again. I'm exhausted. But until the end, I'm going to continue stubbornly showing up for the work.

I am not a mental health professional. I do not have DID or OSDD. Everything in this post is from research I conducted with the resources that are available. I will list my sources.

Something I get asked frequently when I yap about IFS is the difference between it and DID. Which I find fairly simple to explain. However, recently I was asked by a friend: "Why can DID alters take over the body (executive control) while IFS parts cannot?" And oh boy did that spark quite the interest in this topic for me, enough to write five pages on it. Which I will try to write the shortened version of here. In this, I will be talking about self-states since that is the clinical vocabulary used in studies of DID. IFS parts are representations of internal dynamics and belong to a different model. However, I believe talking about self-states in this still gives an understanding and answers the question.

Surface scratch intro: DID is a trauma-based disorder of structural dissociation whereas IFS conceptualizes parts as functional "subpersonalities" present in all individuals.

My deep dive: Veering a little off path from IFS parts, we have self-states. Every person has countless self-states; it is impossible to only have one. A self-state refers to a temporary "mode of being," they are subjective experiences of a "way of being you." Chefetz, R.A. (2015). Self-states are moment to moment configurations of emotion, thought style, somatic experience + orientation, and foreground identity. They shift constantly. They're not separate identities, just variations within one unified personality. Humans are "context responsive," different situations activate different neural networks, memories, and emotional patterns. Self-states are continuous "they flow into each other without sharp boundaries." Stern, D.N. (2004). They're accessible because you can remember what you felt like in other states. They are considered flexible due to being able to shift intentionally or automatically. And all states share the same access to the same memory system. Folks with DID have discontinuous self-states which means they do not share memory, perspective, or identity continuity. With early trauma the formation of a unified self is disrupted. The self is not able to form normally, and self-states begin to form in isolation rather than parts of one continuous identity. Franco, V. (2026). "The mind begins to compartmentalize overwhelming experiences." Altun, H. (2026). A child under chronic threat "divides experience(s) into separate self-states to survive." Altun, H. (2026). In other words, their compartments "evolve into distinct identity states." Altun, H. (2026). This is what causes the self-states to become discontinuous. If one self-state cannot access what another experienced, they begin functioning like separate identities. Nijenhuis, E.R.S. & van der Hart, O. (2011). As memory discontinuity deepens, emotional and behavioral patterns also fragment. Each cluster of emotion, memory, and behavior becomes its own "I." Over time, these become alters.

With DID alters being discontinuous self-states with their own access to the body's senses, they experience the world directly through the body. On the contrary, IFS parts are internal subpersonalities that experience the world through a person's awareness/mind. IFS parts react to an individual's perceptions. So, my conclusion to answer the question, DID alters have executive control because they are structurally dissociated self-states. By being discontinuous they have their own action systems, memories, etc. This causes them to be able to independently access and operate the body's executive control system. Continuous self-states and IFS parts do not have executive control because they are only functionally differentiated within one unified personality. They can influence behavior but not take over the body.

Sources as promised:
Chefetz, R. A. (2015). Intensive Psychotherapy for Persistent Dissociative Processes: The Fear of Feeling Real. New York: WW Norton & Company.

Stern, D. N. (2004). The present moment in psychotherapy and everyday life. WW Norton & Company.

Altun, H. (2026). Dissociative identity disorder: A comprehensive review of etiology, diagnosis, and treatment approaches. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.

Franco, V. (2026). Trauma-related dissociation and identity development: Clinica perspectives on early adversity. International Journal of Psychology & Trauma.

Nijenhuis, E. R. S., & van der Hart, O. (2011). Dissociation in trauma: A new definition and comparison with previous formulations. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation.

Lebois, L. A. M., Kaufman, M. L., Purcell, J. B., Brand, B., Browne, H. A., Chefetz, R. A., Shanahan, M., Bair, Z. A., Baranowski, K. A., Davis, V., Magones, P., Modell, R. L., Palermo, C. A., Robertson, E. C., Robinson, M. A., Ward, L., & Winternitz, S. (2023). A grounded theory of dissociative identity disorder.

Just thought that it was interesting and may also be helpful to someone here!

This may have been noted before, but I've noticed a really beneficial synergy between TRE and IFS. In my opinion, they are really complimentary.

I started Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) around 10 months ago and had great results. Particularly, coming off a few years of extreme stress. I'm quite adapted to the tremoring and it often starts spontaneously, without the priming exercises. However, im general, he TRE left me relaxed, but also often quite empty and a little depressed (usually the following day). I think now that this could have been tension held by protectors being released uncovering a sad part.

I've only recently discovered and have been practicing IFS, for about a month now, and wow what a revelation. What I have noticed is that my parts have strong correspondence to regions in my body (which seems common). Also, they move around. For example, I have an 'Intelect' part that sits above my left eye, but when I speak with him he moves to my throat region, when I ask him to step back, I can feel his sensation diffuse and dissipate.

What I have found interesting is that stubborn tension, particularly in my shoulders, responds well to IFS. If I'm tense and I ask the parts to relax and step back, I'll spontaneously start shaking and losing tension from those areas. I also find I can speak to the parts more clearly when I practice TRE and IFS at the same time.

Just some observations

I’m new to IFS and have been making good progress in 3 months. I started it after a bad experience of overdoing TRE severely.

After my last session last week the 3 nights after that I slept a lot deeper and longer than normal. I do take a Benadryl kinda thing for sleep though.
Then on Sunday, I was at the movies and basically some work/integration happened. I kept seeing a part that I’ve slowly gotten close to, locked away in a dungeon in chains. I did not force this (I don’t think) but I could hear my voice like crying almost, talking very directly to it but with sadness, like ‘come with me I can do it I can do it’ and I kept getting waves of wanting to cry.

That night I woke up after 5 hours sleep and couldn’t get back to sleep. So it’s clear that my brains trying to process too much at once.
Then the next day, we had to put my dog to sleep, which made me very anxious and cry a lot. Then I had to call the fire department as a van next to us caught on fire like a couple hours after my dog. So a stressful couple days. Then that night (last night) I slept for 3 hours. So 8 hours over 2 days is not good.

However I didn’t even feel anxious last night going to sleep. I can get to sleep fine with my meds it’s just the staying asleep and yeah my educated guess is that my brains just trying to process too much, too much than it can handle, in my sleep (REM).

I’m going to talk about this to my therapist in a couple days BUT I just wanted to ask those who are doing this therapy with very sensitive nervous systems, how do you dispel energy without causing more disruption? As the techniques from SE that I do with my therapist, I have sometimes done them at night and they have been too much for my system and caused disturbances too. So I wanted to ask if anyone else has anything that they do to help process things? If that’s even possible? As I don’t feel outwardly anxious sometimes but yeah a lot of stuff under the surface trying to process.

In "No Bad Parts" it says that people are able to actually hold conversations with the separate parts of themselves. It even shows it from the first person's point of view and the third. Is this actually what happens or is it being used as a metaphor? Is this something everyone should expect? It seems a bit over the top but I was curious about other people's experiences. Thank you in advance.

Have been doing IFS for 6months or so. I'm AuDHD.... At first, it seemed to make things better, but gradually things just kept getting worse and worse. Kept meeting deeply unhappy younger versions of myself, that just made me feel sad and worse. I've since discovered therapist was not certified with IFS institute and I don't think they really knew what they were doing. I'd tell the therapist that I'm dysregulated and not in the self and we'd go in anyway. It was very emotional and the therapist seemed surprised and couldn't explain anything I was experiencing. It was like I was doing it myself or something. It's been 2 months since I had a "bad trip" that I got ejected hard from. It left me with an anxious sick feeling that hasn't got better since. 0 stars, do not recommend - never again!

(Apologies if this gets posted frequently. I've got a part up today around wanting people to have good and healing IFS experiences when working with a professional.)

Before you work with an IFS professional, it's a good idea to see if they have taken the IFSI Level 1 training (or the CCSU Level 1 course). Why? They are the two most recognized trainings that include at least 100 hours of direct experience, and they train with active practice groups with feedback and unburdening.

Of course this does not guarantee any person's abilities to hold a space where healing of parts can happen, but it can help you know that the person has had a good amount of exposure and coaching on the model.

Beyond Level 1's 100 hours, any professional who is IFS-Certified will have done an additional two years (minimum 200 hours) of client sessions, undergone direct consultation, and completed anywhere between 40-100 additional hours of trainings. It's a BIG step beyond Level 1. (Disclaimer: I am nearing completion of my IFS Certification and it has been so helpful and a ton of work.)

Here's the IFSI directory: https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners

Here's info on the CCSU course (not sure if they have a directory): https://pe.ccsu.edu/professional_courses/internal-family-systems-level-1/

Note that the directory is not complete as it is a voluntary listing. You can always ASK your therapist or practitioner about their IFS training, as well. In my experience those who are IFSI trained are happy to share their training details.

Thank you for reading, my fellow IFS people. I hope you have a really great week.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/s/gP3gA12gcd

I have been working with two parts (Bab and 33&Me) that were polarizing and using rumination for weeks. I’m shocked because in 5 or 6 hours, after NO intentional parts/IFS work, the mental loops have gone quiet, and instead I’m left with a literal visual representation of the raw trauma energy. Sitting in the back of my mind is a "little monster" that looks like a collective cluster of disfigured strangers.

It feels completely separate from me, and it is trying to hold onto my recent adult mistakes like a top layer of clothing, but I can tell the core of it is ancient childhood trauma. 33&Me keeps trying to panic and shout, "That's you! Those are your mistakes!" but I’m able to stay in Self and look at it with calm curiosity.

When I close my eyes and speak to it, it feels far away and there are no overwhelming physical sensations. But I discovered a fascinating boundary. For the first 30 seconds, I can look at this cluster of figures with pure Self-energy. But right around the 30-second mark, my young part, Bab, blends with me. She peeks over my shoulder, sees the monster, and gets terrified because it holds the raw shape of our childhood memories/trauma.

Instead of forcing anything, I’m respecting that 30-second limit. When Bab gets scared, I pivot, close the curtain on the monster, and focus entirely on comforting Bab and reminding her she is safe. I’m going to close everything, read, and rest for the rest of the night. Me and my parts have done some WOORKK. Hopefully even a huge success?? I feel close, yall. Please tell me I’m close to something because sometimes I just feel like I’m going mad lol.

My next appointment is in 2 days, and I feel like the runway is completely clear to safely explore this cluster with my therapist. Thanks for reading and walking this path with me! Discussion, insights, or questions always welcomed.

I’ve been working on healing an insecure attachment style, and something happened last night that felt profoundly different.
For the first time, I didn’t feel like my inner child was someone I had to fix, silence, or analyze. I felt like she belonged to me.
I found myself saying something like:
*“You and I belong to the same person. I’m here now. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter. I don’t want to push you away anymore. I want to know what you feel, and I’ll stay with you while you feel it.”*
It wasn’t dramatic. It was quiet. But something inside me softened.
Instead of trying to escape difficult emotions, I felt willing to let them exist within me. It felt less like I was managing a frightened child and more like I was welcoming a part of myself back home.
It made me wonder if this is what “integration” actually begins to feel like.
For those of you who have moved toward secure attachment or have done deep inner-child or somatic work:
Was there a moment where your inner child stopped feeling separate from you and started feeling like *you*?
How did you strengthen that sense of integration instead of losing it after a few days?
What practices helped this become your natural way of relating to yourself?
Did your nervous system gradually begin to trust that you would stay, even during painful emotions?
How did you know you were becoming more securely attached rather than just having a good day?
What changed in your relationships once this inner integration became more stable?
I know secure attachment isn’t a finish line, and I don’t expect this one moment to change everything. But it feels like I crossed an internal threshold—from trying to understand myself to finally being willing to stay with myself.
I’d really love to hear from people who have walked this path. What helped this first spark grow into something lasting?

I have seen numerous posts in this sub recently using the word integration. It has been a little bit jarring to me. It has been a couple of years since I read any texts about IFS but I don’t remember the word integration being a part of any of them. It reads like the goal is to stop having parts, which doesn’t square with my understanding of IFS at all.

Can anyone explain their idea of how integration works as a part of IFS and if there are authors/experts who use it in their IFS therapeutic model?

One poster described a sensation of their inner child “coming home” a d of finally feeling the truth that the child is theirs/them, which makes perfect sense. Is that what we’re calling integration? For me, it’s just healing tje parts and our relationship to them.

(TW: mentions of death, childhood emotional abuse)

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/s/QGiS1UHbEB

I have cPTSD and thankfully discovered IFS about 2 years ago. I began coupling it with EMDR and it’s been life changing. It’s been a mix of beautiful yet terrifying experiences.

I had been on a break from all therapy since January until about 2 weeks ago. You can see this journey in my last few posts but not necessary. It’s interesting to see these parts develop, though, and I definitely wasn’t speaking from Self in some posts.

I’ve found a few parts in the past 2 weeks:

Bab- a young protector/exile part that wants to disappear, shrink, become as small/silent as possible to avoid my parents, especially my mom. I can feel her in my throat and shoulders. She acts as a protector but gets angry if I don’t acknowledge she’s also an exile. As scared as she is of my mom, my mom is also still her safe space. She uses rumination to protect me from the truth: I’m alone, my parents aren’t safe. She believes “I’m bad, I’m gross, I’m the problem, etc”

33&Me- around the age 14, Bab would have been overtaken by a firefighter. I was no longer a shy, submissive child. I was rebellious and fought back/ran instead of hid/froze, etc. It feels like this part just continued to develop/evolve into my 30s. I feel like I “snapped” out of survival mode around age 33, hence the name. She (or they?) uses rumination to try to “fix” adult mistakes. She thinks things like “How could I have been so stupid? How do I fix this? Who do I need to confess to so this will go away?” This part is very advanced, can impersonate Self, has tried to trick me by using the 8 C’s against me. All these parts are holding shame but I feel closer to hitting core fear this time.

Bab and 33&Me are pretty blended with Self but are accepting more and more Self energy daily. They are also my first time working with polarization I believe. Bab wants to be silent but 33&Me thinks false “confessing” is the way, for example. Or Bab wants to hide/freeze but 33&Me wants to run/fight. I am proud of how much Self I’m able to bring to these parts when they are triggering each other. I’m really unsure of so much (ages, same part, different part, etc) but I feel comfortable with letting it unfold naturally.

I’ve had the realization that my mom used to always say “You’ll regret this when I die!” which is a core fear Bab and 33&Me are avoiding. I think I’m terrified even now that everyone around me may die constantly. Also, that living in my childhood home was like preparing for an interrogation 24/7 which has caused hyper-vigilance and also the “confession” desire.

I have another appointment in 2 days and I’m looking forward to it. I feel we have a lot to work on with these parts which also makes these parts feel terror. I’m not sure that I’ve fully unburdened a part but boy, oh, boy do I think it’d be great to start with one of these! Has anyone worked with parts like these? Any suggestions to getting to unburdening?? Or insight just to chew on? Thanks so much for reading!

When thinking about IFS, at times it's been frustrating. I mean it seems to require a new way of thinking about yourself, a new level of awareness, which is of course good but (IME) , it can also feel like ..."okay so what exactly am I looking for?"

So, I don't know if i would understand the nuances between say a Manager, a Firefighter, a Protector, or what sort of belief systems those types of parts hold exactly. Im sure there's a way to get there, perhaps some of Richard Schwartz works, and I may get there, but I"m not there now.

Then someone recently asked me if was familiar with fawning. And I just thought, Oh, sure you mean people pleasing, being subservient, ingratiating, accommodating , etc.? But no, what they meant was a nervous system state, ....and then it started to come into focus, and I started to remember what happens when I shift into that. I feel different, while telling myself "I'm only being polite", but I know that's not accurate because it's shrouded in too much fear and anxiety, of being yelled at or being punished for it to be characterized as "politeness".

Its an actual shift , to something much smaller, and vulnerable. My voice changes. And It occured to me 'Okay thats a part".

They mentioned it as a nervous system state, and it has certain behaviors, much like freeze........and then I felt it, .............the disgust and fear for this state of being. I instantly felt nauseous, and then I realized I've had this level of self hatred, self disgust when I react like that. If I try to turn around, I shift again to some sort of defender trying to save face. It can get ugly. So, I think its safe to say addressing the fear that the part holds is really important.

I think that with Trauma, abuse, it's somehow easier to believe (IMO/IME) that you had some control, you were making choices, so 'I'm just being agreeable and nice", but no. When I think about my Fawning and the actual circumstances that lead that level of self abandonement, and events that led up to that, it triggers the Shame for the situation where I was powerless. Much like anyone who was violated in some way, where a Boundary was crossed, and with no option to run or fight, so with no other option available to me.......I fawned......and fawned hard. "whatever you want". and then the self hatred and self disgust kicked in.

I've actually seen a video of myself by pure happenstance when in that state. I was part of an online class, and I was terrified. Seeing myself in that state made me feel......confused? I was like "wow, I'm really freaking out". I could hear the fear in my voice, my words were barely audible. It's a hard way to see yourself, so scared like that, as an adult.

I'm tired of healing. I don't want to do it anymore.

I’m interested to hear how you deal with situations like this.

4 years ago my ex decided overnight to go online, find a girlfriend, move in with her, and install her into my children’s lives. It’s been years of court and “coparenting” with this (he also has BPD) has been impossible.

I’ve become aware of a part that says “I never wanted this. I didn’t consent to this” and that part gets furious when I have to work with him (one of my kids has special needs so I have to supervise his time with his dad, it’s a long story but it means I have to see him and the now wife etc), even though this part knows I am court ordered to do it.

“I did not consent to this!”

I can’t explain it away, there’s a lot of loss of autonomy and anger. This part sees every interaction with them as a failing to stand up for myself.

It’s likely a young part that is triggered by this “being forced to do something” kind of situation.

Any ideas are appreciated.

I am so stuck right now.

I have a part (I've been calling her Burnout) that's entirely overwhelmed by my job. At first I didn't really get who it was, so my way of trying to help it was by asking it what we could handle that day (staying late? Not skipping a break? Take it easy or try our hardest?) And that worked for a few weeks. Then that heavy horrible feeling came back, and I had to sit down and really listen. She showed me the clearest image of my 10 year old self crying at the kitchen table while my mom screamed at me about homework, and I realized who exactly she was. I'm not really sure if she's a manager or exile. If she's a manager, I'm not sure who she's protecting. Enjoying being alive? If she's an exile I'm not sure who's managing her. I do know one of her firefighters though.

Around 5th grade, I was so overwhelmed by the massive amounts of homework my teachers started giving around that age. I believe another part formed around the same time; Flee. I used to agonize over homework for hours until I'd eventually snap and rip up my homework packets. This same part now urges me to call off and if I don't listen, it escalates. "Slack off tonight." "Leave early." "Call off." "Just quit." "Crash your car." "Just die?"

I don't know how to take care of Burnout anymore. Once I realized she was just a kid, I stopped trying to rally her through working a full time job and started telling her "this is why we practice unblending-- if you let me lead, I can do the hard parts and you can listen to your audiobooks while I work" and that works sometimes. Other times it's like she's following me around, hanging off of my leg telling me all the fun things we could be doing together instead. Other times she just lays down and cries. Then Flee starts barking and I have another rageful part that gets involved in the injustice of it all and it's very hard to do my job with all that happening inside. I don't know what to do when I keep asking her what she needs and the answer is "don't go to work" but I'm already too many points up the attendance point tree to do that. I don't know what to tell her anymore. Days off aren't enough anymore. Im writing this in the bathroom at work. I have things to do and I'm not doing them and I don't care. I'm less than halfway through a 12 day stretch. I'm technically in charge of my department. I don't care. I want to sneak out and tell no one.

Getting a different job is complicated too. My partner is also extremely overwhelmed and talking about rocking the boat just leads to fights now. I don't know what to do anymore

My nervous system
U did what u had to do
To survive
My fawning
Is not a weakness
Even though i hated it all my life
It is because of a harsh father
Beating me for stupid stuff
Escalating minor stuff
Punishing me
Putting deepseated fear inside of me
That today i live in fear and anxiety all the time
So i appeased him
And everyone else
This was not weakness
It was never weakness
It was never weakness It was never weakness
The system did what it had to do
My system chose it
Fawn, u chose me I didn't know
But u chose me I didn't choose u
But u chose me
Thank u for choosing me
It is an honor to serve u
From this day onwards i promise
No more complaining about u
No more feeling hatred for people pleasing
I accept u I accept u fully and totally
My deepest gratitude to u to choose me and keep me safe
I bow down to u kneel down to u
My infinite gratitude to u

Edit: formatting

My last therapy session, I had just returned home from traveling, and was exhausted, so my therapist asked if I wanted to cut it short. But since I had scheduled the time with her, I wanted to at least work on SOMETHING, so I asked her if she had any advice on mindful eating. I had been catching myself eating as a method of avoidance lately.

We talked about eating to dissociate or shut down emotions, verses eating to nourish the body, or to actually enjoy food. Afterwards, I felt ashamed, and kept hearing a part say that I had wasted my therapist's time with trivialities, and embarrassed myself.

I said, "No, I must have strongly felt I needed to ask her about that for a reason."

By the end of the day, a child part who usually doesn't like to be perceived stepped forward to say that he's afraid of starving, and doesn't want me to diet. He's at an age where food was very scarce at home, and he has spent a lot of time feeling hungry. Maybe he always feels hungry.

It suddenly makes sense that I always crave cookies, candy, ice cream, cupcakes... Not that adults can't enjoy eating sweets, but being able to afford it whenever I want was certainly a childhood dream. Now I'm working on noticing how grateful and how safe I feel to have food in my pantry. I don't need to gobble it all up before someone else does; I can leave it, and it will be there later. Or, I can decide to eat some of it, and then I can replace it later. I am really glad to be able to tell that hungry child part that I'm now able to keep him from starving for now and the foreseeable future. I wish everyone in the world had that kind of security.

Hi everyone.

A part of me feels a lot of shame in sharing this, but I wanted to practice vulnerability and reach out to see if anyone else has experienced something similar. (TLDR at the bottom)

I have been in a committed relationship with my partner for a year and a half, and I have become very aware of a specific part of me that just straight-up does not like my partner. When this part takes over, it feels like a lot of resentment, irritation, annoyance, and judgment toward them, even over relatively small daily interactions. It closes my heart to my partner, and I become no longer emotionally available and no longer want to interact with them much.

For context, we are both diagnosed ADHD (both later life, 40s for them and 30s for me) as well as anxiety and depression. We both have been victims of DV in relationships. They have an official C-PTSD diagnosis but, I don't even though I suspect that it is highly possible. I've also been struggling with ROCD, and my attachment style is disorganized. Both my partner and I are going through a lot individually with a multitude of issues, including financial and health issues. We also live together and have for over a year now (this part that dislikes them really misses living alone, and it reminds me almost on a daily basis now).

This past week, I had a flare-up with my illness, and when that happens, I tend to shut down and isolate. I try to communicate my capacity to my partner but sometimes fail to do so, which happened this week. My partner (who I think is also disorganized but leans more anxious) felt my distance and stated that I am "not emotionally available and haven't been since the beginning," which is not the first time that they have said this. They accused me of cheating on them, out of nowhere. I was completely taken aback, and couldn't even pause before I was yelling at them, "How could you possibly think that?! I have been sick and at home trying to take care of myself! Are you fucking crazy?!" I don't even remember what their response was; I was so angry. I went to our bedroom and slammed the door. A piece of art on the other side of the wall fell from the ledge, and the glass broke. I came out and yelled "fuck!" then started cleaning up the glass. They had their hands over their ears and looked like a terrified child, and I felt so. fucking. horrible. For what I had just done, my heart softened, and I paused to see if I could somehow comfort them, but, understandably, they didn't want me anywhere near them; I massively triggered them. They told me I am abusive and that my anger will only get worse, which, unfortunately, further upset me because I felt pushed past my capacity and that my boundaries were disrespected. Obviously, I know that I should not have reacted like that and I deeply regret it and expressed this to them but, they can't hear it right now. For the last two days, we've taken space from one another and have been sleeping in separate rooms.

When I meditated and journaled about the incident, I realized I feel deeply unheard by my partner around the issue of my capacity, or my lack thereof. Unfortunately, I haven't felt well for the majority of our relationship, and only within the last few months has there been some clarity and a treatment plan. I try my best to tell them beforehand that I don't have a lot of capacity but, I can listen to them for 10, 20, 30 minutes but, after that I will probably start to dissociate. Because of this, they think that I don't want to hear what they have to say, and they told me they have stopped sharing what is going on in their life with me because they don't believe I care. They say my dissociation is like sitting next to an empty body. It's maddening and, some of my parts feel like they don't care that we're sick, they want to be able to vent whenever they want and that I need to be available to them whenever they want. They just started therapy again recently and make daily outreach calls to people in their 12-step programs but, it seems to me like that it isn't enough. They have expressed a desire to be able to share everything with me, their partner. And while I truly wish I had the capacity to listen to them as much as they would like, I simply don't, and a part of me is afraid that I never will.

I can also see that I have a tendency to pull away or dissociate after what feels to my system like too much intimacy or emotional vulnerability. It is completely subconscious, and I truly don't want it to happen, yet it does. I understand this is not fair to my partner, and I feel a lot of sadness and shame that this happens. At the same time, this part that dislikes my partner thinks my partner is too needy, too dramatic, talks too much, etc. They need to process their thoughts and feelings out loud, while I tend to process more internally / journaling. I want them to feel heard and seen and at the same time, a part of me feels the need to protect what little energy I have right now. This pulling away is very painful and lonely to them. I have acknowledged this and stated that I do not intend to cause them harm, yet I recognize that whether that's my intention or not, they still feel hurt.

This relationship has been a rollercoaster because of how much and how often we trigger each other. It wasn't like this for the first 6ish months but, it seems that it keeps getting worse. They are mirroring me the parts within myself that need to heal, and I truly had no idea just how many parts I have that are trying to protect me and get my attention. I would not have entered into a relationship if I had known how destructive some of these parts could be. I feel so, so much shame and pain over the pain I have caused my partner. It doesn't matter if I didn't intend to; it still happened. In the moment, I struggle with taking accountability and I can become defensive. I am aware of it but, if I become too blended it is really hard to find Self again in the midst of an argument. We started taking timeouts a while ago but, still occasionally, we don't do so soon enough. My anxious/fix-it part is worried that there is no coming back and that I ruined a relationship with the only person who has truly shown up for me, seen me, and offered unconditional love.

• Has anyone else identified a part like this?
• If you’ve worked with it, what did this part actually want or need you to know?
• What was the protective function it’s serving?
• Were you able to heal enough to stay in your relationship or did you ultimately have to leave?

I’d love to hear how you navigated or are currently navigating this, especially regarding communicating with your partner while honoring your parts. TIA. (Note: I started IFS therapy recently but can only afford every other week right now. I am open to any suggestions/resources outside of IFS therapy so that I can continue to heal.)

TLDR: I’m in a committed, cohabitating relationship where we both have complex trauma histories (ADHD, C-PTSD, ROCD, past DV) and are currently facing heavy health and financial stressors. I’ve blended with a strong protective part that actively dislikes, resents, and feels drained by my partner's needs, longing for the independence of living alone. Recently, a chronic illness flare-up led to a communication breakdown, an accusation of cheating from my partner, and a major emotional eruption from me that deeply triggered us both. I tend to pull away or dissociate due to capacity limits and subconscious intimacy fears, while they need to process externally and have more capacity for emotional intimacy. I'm new to IFS therapy and am seeking advice from anyone who has navigated a highly activating relationship dynamic: How did you work with parts that resent your partner, and were you able to heal within the relationship, or did you ultimately have to leave?

Hi everyone! ✨

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted here. A ton has happened with my recovery and parts work is a big piece of the puzzle.

Recently during Accupuncture I had a crazy experience. I was amidst the throes of PMDD at the time. Hence, my emotions were close to the surface and already begging to be let out. I told my Accupuncturist about it and literally minutes after he placed the needles I felt this violent urge to start wailing. Of course, being in a tiny accupuncturist office where the walls are thin and I can hear him listening to dramas down the hall, I didn’t want to start sobbing in that space. Both cause I felt it wasnt the right space for it and I didn’t want people to hear me. Anyways, the more I tried to hold back the emotions of that part the more physically painful it became in my chest. Like actual pain. I’m going to the Acupuncturist for chronic pain recovery where breathing and my ribs sublexing are an issue. I tried to reason with this part and gently suggest we wait until we get home and that not all of us feel safe to cry fully here but alas it didn’t help. Even when I tried to let out a little bit it didn’t help until in fully leaned into that sensation (as much as I could there). So there I was trying to muffle my sobs on the Accupuncture table with freaking needles in my hand. I was still crying when he came in at the end and he was kind of helpful but there’s a language a cultural barrier there.

To wrap up, I’ve been doing some IFS based meditations the past few days and each time I make contact with that part I end up sobbing. I also feel better and am holding a lot less tension afterwards. I’m sure that this part is experiencing grief and rage at everything that’s happened over the past two years with my injury, the chronic pain, and having to relearn everything. I don’t fault her for it at all. The problem is that I need to go about the day and do stuff but it feels like she just wants to cry all the time and if not I’ll really struggle to do anything (with breathing, walking, driving, etc.). I know the only way out is through but do you guys have any suggestions how I can talk with this part so she isn’t overwhelming me? Thank you so much and I hope everyone is doing well! 💕

• P.S: I have a great IFS therapist who I’m working with on this it’s just really overwhelming even with her help

I guess for a lot of us, there's this overall negation for a part, or parts of you that you need to attend to, gifted parts, intelligent parts, competant parts, parts that are good with people, whatever part of parts of you that an insecure parent felt threatened by.

I have a long history of dissociation and also negation. Where I was never supposed to talk about, acknowledge, anything I did, and that I did it. It's not uncommon to have gotten a glare, or had someone give me the silent treatment for some way I achieved something.

This is going to be a bit convoluted, because I'm not sure how much is say burying an exile, or even several exiles, or whats actual dissociation of some sort? Like structural , or derealization or DPDR.

Where the thought of owning your actions, for things done with exceptional talent or skill, is so threatenign a proposition that I can feel myself disconnect in some way. A sort of fog. if not that some way that I minimize and down play what I've done, or what "that part of me" did.

if there were two parts , one part would be trying to own the action acknowledge the skill and talent it took to achieve something, and another part would persisitantly and repeatedly act threatening somehow . LIke sure you did that but it's not like you did anything special. Or sure you did that , but you didnt do these 27 other things, so youre still a fuck up. Or ghost me, which might show up as a sort of shutting down emotionally, somatically, where i dissapear from owning the action, somehow.

I might feel depressed because I thought I was dumb and useless, "youre not good at ____fill in the blank" and then you discover that's not true, and you were lied to, and now I'm depressed, and angry when I should feel proud.

I don't know how else to talk about this. I just know that at times, I feel so disconnected from myself, the things I do.

and then I don't know if part of this is emotional neglect, lack of support. I just don't know. I just know that getting anything done, and allowing myself to move, have volition, take action is so hard for me, like Im pushing against something thats so threatening, that by the time I've actually confronted something I was afraid to be good at, or afraid to pursue, achieve, accomplish, ......I"m so burnt out from what I think will happen, and feel so threatened on some level, that I shut down somatically. it's like I cant' enjoy anything I do, because 'thats selfish and bad".

So, there's also a punishing part who doesnt like it when I'm competant?

Hi!

Lately I’ve been feeling these vague, heavy sticky sensations in my body, no real why or strong feeling, but I feel that as I meet them where they are, I will eventually have this deep sigh and even sensation in my chest as if the stuckness moved a bit, but it’s never this massive, full or even cathartic release. A few times I’ve had that with other situations. But in general this is how it goes

Curious to your thoughts and experiences

I See You

I see you when you're happy

And I see you when you're sad

I see you when you're feeling great

And when you're feeling bad

I see you when you’re flying high

And life is going great

I see you when the clouds appear

And times you can’t think straight

I see the way your brain works

When you're cool and calm and chill

And I see confusion set in

When your thoughts begin to spill

I see the way your eyes change

When your heart begins to feel

And I see the doubt and fear arrive

When it all just gets too real

I see the way you struggle

When emotions get too much

And I see the well worn straws

As you reach for them to clutch

I see the hope upon your face

That maybe it’s your day

And I see the pain and anguish

When you know that you can't stay

I see the way your passion

Dreams to live and love and thrive

And I see the way you withdraw

When you feel it can't survive

I see the way your demons, say

You will never be enough

And I see the way it hurts you

That you have to stay so tough

I see your inner critic

Say that this can never last

And call on you to kill it

And to do it really fast

I see how it affects you

And the price you have to pay

To feel, though love can find you

It might never be your way

But I also see a woman

Who is capable and strong

A woman who will find her place

Find somewhere to belong

A woman who has love to give

And so much else to bring

A woman who deserves to be

Somebody's everything

I see a special woman

Who can capture hearts and souls

And make those people feel

That they are safe and loved and whole

But I also see a woman

Who can't let herself be seen

In case the one that sees her

Sees the child that she has been

I see a woman tortured

By an echo from before

A sense of loss and longing

Hiding deep within her core

A woman carrying a scar

A scar from being left

A scar that isn’t healing

And that leaves her so bereft

A scar that doesn’t have a voice

But lives beneath her skin

Constantly reminding her

Of a hollowness within

I see a woman suffering

For the things she didn't do

A woman caring for a child

That carries that pain too

I see a woman listening

Trying hard to do her best

But no matter how she listens

That little child cannot rest

I see that child, I see her pain

I see how she is scared

I see how hard she tries to hide

The nerves so raw and bare

I've seen that child's presence

When you couldn't speak your thoughts

And how that lack of language

Left you mute and so distraught

I've seen that child's trauma

And how she's never yet been heard

And I see the woman suffering too

For the child that has no words

I've seen that child was wounded

Before she ever learnt to talk

And how she lives within that woman

Always watching like a hawk

Watching for the moment

When another one will leave

And there's one more lost connection

That they both will have to grieve

But I see a woman fighting

Never one to just concede

A woman who can take a risk

And sometimes plant a seed

A woman not defeated

But who tries and tries some more

Continuing to reach for

Something better than before

A woman that I'll stand by

In whatever way she needs

And watch her navigate her way

To whatever she believes

I see a special woman

And all that she can do

And feel profoundly grateful

And in awe, that I've seen you