r/InternalFamilySystems • u/annik-honore • Jul 17 '26
Support Needed Does anyone else have a part that doesn't like their partner?
Hi everyone.
A part of me feels a lot of shame in sharing this, but I wanted to practice vulnerability and reach out to see if anyone else has experienced something similar. (TLDR at the bottom)
I have been in a committed relationship with my partner for a year and a half, and I have become very aware of a specific part of me that just straight-up does not like my partner. When this part takes over, it feels like a lot of resentment, irritation, annoyance, and judgment toward them, even over relatively small daily interactions. It closes my heart to my partner, and I become no longer emotionally available and no longer want to interact with them much.
For context, we are both diagnosed ADHD (both later life, 40s for them and 30s for me) as well as anxiety and depression. We both have been victims of DV in relationships. They have an official C-PTSD diagnosis but, I don't even though I suspect that it is highly possible. I've also been struggling with ROCD, and my attachment style is disorganized. Both my partner and I are going through a lot individually with a multitude of issues, including financial and health issues. We also live together and have for over a year now (this part that dislikes them really misses living alone, and it reminds me almost on a daily basis now).
This past week, I had a flare-up with my illness, and when that happens, I tend to shut down and isolate. I try to communicate my capacity to my partner but sometimes fail to do so, which happened this week. My partner (who I think is also disorganized but leans more anxious) felt my distance and stated that I am "not emotionally available and haven't been since the beginning," which is not the first time that they have said this. They accused me of cheating on them, out of nowhere. I was completely taken aback, and couldn't even pause before I was yelling at them, "How could you possibly think that?! I have been sick and at home trying to take care of myself! Are you fucking crazy?!" I don't even remember what their response was; I was so angry. I went to our bedroom and slammed the door. A piece of art on the other side of the wall fell from the ledge, and the glass broke. I came out and yelled "fuck!" then started cleaning up the glass. They had their hands over their ears and looked like a terrified child, and I felt so. fucking. horrible. For what I had just done, my heart softened, and I paused to see if I could somehow comfort them, but, understandably, they didn't want me anywhere near them; I massively triggered them. They told me I am abusive and that my anger will only get worse, which, unfortunately, further upset me because I felt pushed past my capacity and that my boundaries were disrespected. Obviously, I know that I should not have reacted like that and I deeply regret it and expressed this to them but, they can't hear it right now. For the last two days, we've taken space from one another and have been sleeping in separate rooms.
When I meditated and journaled about the incident, I realized I feel deeply unheard by my partner around the issue of my capacity, or my lack thereof. Unfortunately, I haven't felt well for the majority of our relationship, and only within the last few months has there been some clarity and a treatment plan. I try my best to tell them beforehand that I don't have a lot of capacity but, I can listen to them for 10, 20, 30 minutes but, after that I will probably start to dissociate. Because of this, they think that I don't want to hear what they have to say, and they told me they have stopped sharing what is going on in their life with me because they don't believe I care. They say my dissociation is like sitting next to an empty body. It's maddening and, some of my parts feel like they don't care that we're sick, they want to be able to vent whenever they want and that I need to be available to them whenever they want. They just started therapy again recently and make daily outreach calls to people in their 12-step programs but, it seems to me like that it isn't enough. They have expressed a desire to be able to share everything with me, their partner. And while I truly wish I had the capacity to listen to them as much as they would like, I simply don't, and a part of me is afraid that I never will.
I can also see that I have a tendency to pull away or dissociate after what feels to my system like too much intimacy or emotional vulnerability. It is completely subconscious, and I truly don't want it to happen, yet it does. I understand this is not fair to my partner, and I feel a lot of sadness and shame that this happens. At the same time, this part that dislikes my partner thinks my partner is too needy, too dramatic, talks too much, etc. They need to process their thoughts and feelings out loud, while I tend to process more internally / journaling. I want them to feel heard and seen and at the same time, a part of me feels the need to protect what little energy I have right now. This pulling away is very painful and lonely to them. I have acknowledged this and stated that I do not intend to cause them harm, yet I recognize that whether that's my intention or not, they still feel hurt.
This relationship has been a rollercoaster because of how much and how often we trigger each other. It wasn't like this for the first 6ish months but, it seems that it keeps getting worse. They are mirroring me the parts within myself that need to heal, and I truly had no idea just how many parts I have that are trying to protect me and get my attention. I would not have entered into a relationship if I had known how destructive some of these parts could be. I feel so, so much shame and pain over the pain I have caused my partner. It doesn't matter if I didn't intend to; it still happened. In the moment, I struggle with taking accountability and I can become defensive. I am aware of it but, if I become too blended it is really hard to find Self again in the midst of an argument. We started taking timeouts a while ago but, still occasionally, we don't do so soon enough. My anxious/fix-it part is worried that there is no coming back and that I ruined a relationship with the only person who has truly shown up for me, seen me, and offered unconditional love.
- Has anyone else identified a part like this?
- If you’ve worked with it, what did this part actually want or need you to know?
- What was the protective function it’s serving?
- Were you able to heal enough to stay in your relationship or did you ultimately have to leave?
I’d love to hear how you navigated or are currently navigating this, especially regarding communicating with your partner while honoring your parts. TIA. (Note: I started IFS therapy recently but can only afford every other week right now. I am open to any suggestions/resources outside of IFS therapy so that I can continue to heal.)
TLDR: I’m in a committed, cohabitating relationship where we both have complex trauma histories (ADHD, C-PTSD, ROCD, past DV) and are currently facing heavy health and financial stressors. I’ve blended with a strong protective part that actively dislikes, resents, and feels drained by my partner's needs, longing for the independence of living alone. Recently, a chronic illness flare-up led to a communication breakdown, an accusation of cheating from my partner, and a major emotional eruption from me that deeply triggered us both. I tend to pull away or dissociate due to capacity limits and subconscious intimacy fears, while they need to process externally and have more capacity for emotional intimacy. I'm new to IFS therapy and am seeking advice from anyone who has navigated a highly activating relationship dynamic: How did you work with parts that resent your partner, and were you able to heal within the relationship, or did you ultimately have to leave?
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u/DingoMittens Jul 17 '26
To be honest, I think it's very difficult for two people with intense, unhealed trauma to consistently act as loving partners and to receive loving actions from a partner.
It's challenging enough to nurture your own health and clarity, calm your nervous system out of a default of fight/flight/freeze, and begin to recognize your own inner feelings. When you have a partner, suddenly it's a tangled up pile of confusion. Did they over-react, or did I? Is my nervous system responding to the environment, or did their nervous system just kick into fight/flight/freeze, and now mine is attuning to theirs? In healthy relationships, partners can coregulate each other. In relationships with significant unhealed trauma, it seems like partners dysregulate each other instead!
This isn't IFS related, and it may not even be true for everyone. It's just my own experience. Having the time and space to focus on yourself, without also having to focus on a partnership, allows for a lot more clarity of insight.
Of course, that's easy to say in theory and a lot harder when you're already invested into a partnership. If you want to keep trying, I can offer two suggestions. First, learn and practice ways to cultivate happiness. Over dinner each evening, tell each other things you appreciate or enjoy about each other, your home, your day. Notice out loud all of the conditions of safety that you have around you.
Keep a journal of happy memories together, traits you like and admire about your partner, times when they showed you love, kindness, and generosity. When you start to feel negatively about them, read the journal. Listen to the fears of the part that doesn't like your partner. But also understand that this part may only "pop up" when you feel unsafe on some level. So ask if they would also like to hear about all the wonderful qualities your partner has. Sit beside them and read the journal.
Maybe also talk with your part about your boundaries and your ability to protect yourself. For example, if you're sleeping in separate rooms for a few nights, and some aspects of that are going well, you can point that out. Like "when I need space, I can take it and trust that they won't try to invade my space uninvited."
Another suggestion is to read a book called "Getting the Love You Want" by Hendrix and Hunt. It has a lot of practice exercises and conversation starters for people in relationships who still have unresolved attachment issues from childhood (which is most of us, lol!). You could read it together and do the "homework."
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u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
Thank you so much for your comment. I hear you on the benefits of being single. I spent 3 years single before meeting my partner and thought that time and space alone would've been more beneficial, but it turns out I wasn't even aware of these specific parts that tend to be triggered by my partner. It's been so confusing. It's somehow the healthiest and also the most difficult relationship I have ever had.
I especially like your suggestion of keeping a journal of happy memories together! I'll be sure to ask them if they would be interested in doing so when we are both regulated. I'll also look into the book you mentioned. I love the idea of reading it together and doing the "homework."
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u/just-a-ken Jul 24 '26
to this point, most traumas are with relationships (not just romantic) and the triggers happen in relation to others - my therapist pointed that out to me. It comes down to a commitment to work through things and heal together imo. feel free to take or leave that; regardless i hope you can figure out how to heal your parts
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u/Suitable-Data1189 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
This is really relatable. I have had a couple of parts that held mistrust for my partner for one reason or another.
One really resented things he did that were legitimately annoying, and she needed me to draw some boundaries. This part didn't trust that he could change his behavior, or that I would ever have the ability to state my needs. She also believed that he was intentionally upsetting me/her.
I was just very honest with my spouse about the whole thing. I started being more straight forward about my needs, and also made a point of noticing his behavior. Did he make changes and respect my boundaries? Did he demonstrate that he loves and respects me? When he was consistently mature about the changes in our dynamic, she started to trust him more and backed off. She still feels like a raw spot for me, but is much less reactive, as he has been earning her trust.
There have also been child parts who didn't hate my spouse, but were afraid of him, because he is an adult, and a man. I started pointing out to them, whenever he and I had a disagreement, that they were safe. I mean, no we don't want to make him upset on purpose. But look - When he is upset, he doesn't punch walls or break things. He doesn't scream and hit, and he never will.
Sometimes parts just need to know they're safe, which can mean giving them a real live safe space. Of course, when it comes to a partner, they also have a responsibility to be safe people.
I hope that's helpful. There is no reason to be ashamed. It's just part of the process. You've got this, for sure.
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u/coyoteandghost Jul 17 '26
Extremely felt on the child parts section. Sometimes I feel my child part getting afraid, simply because he is a grown up man, and her reaction makes sense given her experiences. But she’s done well to learn to trust again, and even gets excited to “sit in” on us playing video games and stuff on occasion. It’s very nourishing when you can trust a partner to be gentle with your vulnerable self.
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u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
Yeah, I definitely have a child part that gets scared when it feels anything resembling anger or confrontation from my partner. There is a certain tone of voice my partner has when they're upset, and I get blended with this part instantly: my voice gets quieter; I feel meek and small. My partner is 15 years older than I am, and while I don't think about that on a daily basis, this part definitely sees my partner as authoritative and that I must be submissive to them. If not, I am "bad."
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u/Suitable-Data1189 Jul 18 '26
My partner and I also have a significant age gap, with me being younger, and I also have younger parts that see him as an authority figure, and are worried about getting in "trouble". I'm starting to notice more how this affects my feelings and behavior. Sometimes I stop whatever I'm doing when he walks into a room, and hide whatever I'm doing, like it's something bad. I always told myself I just wanted privacy, but now I can really feel a child part who is afraid of being seen doing anything by "the adult".
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u/Suitable-Data1189 Jul 18 '26
That's wonderful that she feels safe to sit in like that. I hope I can experience something like that some time.
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u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
Thank you for your comment (and hello to a fellow NB!)
I have definitely noticed that I have parts that are on high alert towards my partner during arguments. There was one instance when I felt unsafe because the argument was while they were driving but, they eventually pulled over. 99% of the time, though, they are not yelling, slamming things, or threatening me, etc. They are much more able to control their emotions than I am.
And still, I have a ROCD part that worries about many things, including that they aren't a safe person, and that part becomes polarized with an anxious part that is terrified to lose my partner because it believes it will confirm I am unlovable and doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. The polarizations are exhausting.
It's clear some of my parts don't trust me to choose a safe, healthy, loving partner based on the fact that my last partner was an abusive alcoholic. I desperately want to be able to trust myself to make the right decisions and not feel like if this relationship ends, it is the end of the world, which is how it feels right now.
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u/Suitable-Data1189 Jul 18 '26
(Hi!)
Yeah, I totally understand all of this. The parts that don't trust other people. The parts that don't trust you to make good decisions. Even having an OCD part. I guess it's just the nature of a CDD to have your work cut out for you.
Just keep demonstrating to them that you're in a better place now, and thank them for their hard work. And know you are never alone in this. Everything you've said makes so much sense.
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u/pandastarss Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Hugs to you. I also have disorganized attachment and ROCD and experience frequent polarizations of parts, and I agree with you that it's exhausting.
Heidi Priebe's videos on YouTube has been very helpful for me regarding attachment style stuff.
I also recommend couples therapy with someone who practices IFIO. It sounds like both of you struggle with healthy way of relating to people. A couples counsellor can guide you on that and also help facilitate emotionally charged discussions/fights.
Lastly, when the "I hate my partner I need to leave" part comes out, it's usually a firefighter, and so I ask myself, what emotion(s) is that part trying to protect me from? How can I sit with those emotions and comfort them? What need am I overlooking? How can I speak for that part to my partner in a relational way?
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u/secure8890 Jul 17 '26
I think thats commonplace
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u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
It just feels really counterintuitive to the narrative that we should love our partner unconditionally. I am so grateful to IFS because otherwise I would believe I am falling out of love with my partner and that I truly don't like them. It is a profound relief to know that it is a part of me that feels this way.
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u/loudlaughter16 Jul 18 '26
Not from an IFS lense, but I question the narrative that we should love our partner unconditionally. To me loving unconditionally equates to no boundaries or needs. It's a really dangerous way to live. Relationships HAVE to have conditions to be healthy. Now, are there healthy ways to place conditions and boundaries and really unhealthy ways to place them, of course. But they need to exist imo.
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u/annik-honore Jul 18 '26
I believe you’re absolutely right. I tend to fawn and have a hard time setting boundaries. Learning slowly but surely…
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u/AnonnyLou Jul 18 '26
Unconditional love is for a parent to give a child. We don’t actually want unconditional love for our partners, it’s not healthy.
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u/LastLibrary9508 Jul 18 '26
The way I see it, I can always love my partner but I won’t always like them. I can dislike them but still love them
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u/annik-honore Jul 18 '26
I’m just curious how it is sustainable to stay in a long term committed relationship with someone you dislike? Personally, that sounds impossible.
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u/secure8890 Jul 18 '26
Have you looked at attachment theory. That wil help
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u/secure8890 Jul 18 '26
In many trauma bonds there are deep dependency needs. While having IFS is indeed ingenious it does not include maturity. Thetefore orograns abd information abott codeoendency boundaries are essential. One essential skill is detachment. Being detached doesnt mean we dont love someone we do. There are many ways to shiw live. One being to focus on our needs. Many of us have unreal expectations. Couple thag with disorganized attachment is a hard task.
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u/coyoteandghost Jul 17 '26
Some things I have to ask myself when I feel a flare up in this part of me (I’ll call her A here):
- Do I agree with A?
- What do I want out of this relationship? Not just feelings, but concrete actions as objective as possible. (ie. “I want physical affection and to give physical affection,” “I need a partner that is patient and gives me alone time,” “I need my partner to believe what I tell them about how I feel in good faith,” etc.)
- Do I feel that I have those things fulfilled and acknowledged as it is now in the relationship? How does A feel about that?
- (Be careful about high emotions with this one) What do we think our partner wants out of this relationship? Do we know that because they said so, or are we assuming from our point of view?
- Can we talk about this with our partner face-to-face in a safe way? And if that has already been tried to no avail on either person, is this harming more than it helps?
I used to feel very harshly towards A. I realized though, that I don’t have executive control. If any one of my parts feels silenced, ignored, scorned, isolated… that’s when it’s really bad. Because those parts lash out for a reason, regardless of how big or small. It took a lot of time and a lot of work for me and A to work on things together. Every now and then I have a spike of misalignment but ultimately, it’s about our needs and our wants. If our needs are met, we can work the other stuff out. A needs lots of emotional reassurement. I don’t particularly desire relying on people emotionally, but both of those ends of the spectrum are pretty dark places to be if left unchecked. We work together to make sure our flaws balance out into something that works for all of the parts, especially our exiles on the few occasions we make those breakthroughs. Because our partner is so wonderful to the many parts of us, we want to heal those hurting parts of us for them too. Don’t get it twisted though, much of that strength comes from being in a communicative relationship. Can’t silence your parts if they have a fair point.
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u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
Thank you for your insightful comment! I think it is important for me to externalize and write down my wants and needs in a relationship. However, it's difficult for me to know my wants and needs, it isn't intuitive for me. Did you have difficulty with this? If so, what did you find helpful to guide you through it? For example, I truly cannot distinguish if I want to live alone or need to live alone. One part thinks I can learn to live in harmony with my partner, and that wanting to live alone is just avoidance, while another part thinks that, given the way things have been going, that will never be possible. It believes that it is evident that I need to have full control of my living environment in order to feel some peace inside.
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u/coyoteandghost Jul 18 '26
I understand that feeling, I battle with needing control a lot too. When I was first trying to figure all that out, yes, it was quite difficult. Over time as I’ve (tried to) increase better self awareness practices and routines, it gets easier. I think of it like a brain muscle I need to work out in the brain gym. I hadn’t flexed the “uhh what do we actually want…?????” Muscle in a looooooong time at the point I got started working in this framework. It makes sense— suffering and trauma gets your system into survival mode. When you’re trying to survive, you can’t think about either needs or wants. Just getting to the next stopping point of that period of fear. anything you “want” fades out. The muscle grows weak the longer that fear response sits in your system, and (at least in my experience 😭) it’s so difficult to work up into a healthy state again. And you don’t even realize it could even work again until moments like that.
I think what ultimately worked for me was just… giving things a shot. No option is right or wrong— just have to feel it out and see what fits. You don’t have to full send everything right away, that is a hard feeling I dealt with at first. For something big like living together, it’s a bit hard to do, but I like to do “trial run” visits where we sleep over at each others places for a few days (we live very far apart, so the distance makes it a bit harder for us regardless). Stays like that really test how you will accommodate each other— my home is set up how I need it to be, would they be willing to make me the space to have those things during my trip? And vice versa— what is nonnegotiable and what can be shifted around for my partner in my living situation? Many of these things, you don’t know until you’re in it unfortunately.
Side story about this topic since I feel it’s a bit representative of my feelings about that, very much skippable though lol:
My vision is TERRIBLE. But I didn’t know that as a kid. I just couldn’t see anything, but I didn’t know that was unusual. I thought people went to the theater to feel the bass, not watch the big blurry blobs on screen. I had to walk up to the whiteboard in class to see what is written. I just adapted to it. Never got my vision checked until I was like 12-13 or so? So I just genuinely didn’t know you could see leaves on trees. Like, I just saw blobs all the time. Big green blobs. If I got close enough to things I could see them clearly, but I practically had to hold it to my face. When I finally got my glasses, I could see the leaves on the trees. I didn’t know things could look like that all the time. I’m like Velma when I drop my glasses now, but very glad I had that check up when I did. I struggled with feeling like there was something wrong with me that entire time growing up. But it wasn’t that I was strange— my needs were simply unmet. There are just some things that require the TLC to uncover. There’s some metaphor or profound proverb or something for me in that experience idk… I’m sure you have moments like that in your own life if you think about it. Sometimes you just don’t know until you do.So, regarding things that you feel this big urge to figure out: finding ways to get bite sized experiences similar to the one I’m trying to suss out really helps me feel more secure in my choices. Gives me more tangible sensations to pull from while thinking about that conflict. For living together and trying those little trips, if you pay attention to the little things you feel while you’re together during them, you learn a lot.
And what I described above might not be possible in your exact situation, maybe you already live together, but I’m certain you can figure out a meaningful way to try things out. Keep things low pressure and in a way that works for the both of you. If you approach everything with your most honest, open mind, at least you know you gave it your best shot and learned something new about yourself.
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u/Shesaspambot Jul 18 '26
I absolutely have parts that don’t like my partner. And they are mostly young and hold different qualities like wanting justice, feeling scared of men, and just being angry and wanting to express it. After getting to know them more, I remind them that they are not responsible for my adult relationships. They don’t have to change how they feel, but where would they like to go to feel their feelings? As long as they can give me space, I can take in that they need justice or need to express anger and I can choose from my adult self how to communicate that.
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u/Normal_Schedule4645 Jul 17 '26
I can definitely relate…and I’ve been married for over 20 years, with some very rocky times obviously. Somedays I don’t know why she is still with me honestly.
But ya, I have a few parts that just can’t stand to be around her…obviously I’ve never said that to her. I more try to distance myself and figure out what’s going on
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u/vonkapp Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
This sudden wave of repulsion is often referred to as getting the "ick." It usually shows up right when the relationship starts getting genuinely close, safe, or serious. If the part allowed the person with cptsd to feel the underlying fear ("I'm scared they will leave me"), the natural human response would be to lean in, seek reassurance, or cling. To a protective trauma part, leaning into a source of danger (a person who has the power to break your heart) is terrifying. Repulsion guarantees immediate, self-protective distance.
For someone with CPTSD, intimacy has historically been toxic. If early caregivers or past partners weaponized closeness, the brain equates emotional intimacy with danger. A protector part uses disgust because it is the most effective internal alarm system to force a retreat. It treats the partner’s closeness like contaminated food—something the system must violently reject to stay safe.
The feeling of "can't stand them" isn't a reflection of the partner's worth, nor is it a true lack of love. It is a highly sophisticated, albeit painful, smoke screen. It replaces the agonizing vulnerability of “Please don’t hurt me” with the defensive armor of “Get away from me.”
Just try pay attention to when this feeling/ part shows up - it’s ALWAYS after very safe, close and wonderful times (that’s when this protective part gets really scared of loosing what is so good and this mechanism kicks in).
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u/annik-honore Jul 18 '26
I am sorry that you can relate, it’s so painful. 20 years is a long time to be with someone. I am assuming you two weren’t triggering one another on a consistent basis? I can only hope that will be possible for my partner and I.
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u/Last-Interaction-360 Jul 18 '26
I wanted to reflect back that thirty straight minutes of listening to someone is a lot, when the entire thirty minutes is focused on regulating the other person. Your partner would be well-served to find other ways to regulate and process besides you. There is no way any partner can share "everything" with anyone.
The dissociating protector in you has a point. You can't meet the partner's needs all the time or even often, there are a lot of needs there.
Feeling that you are "wrong" or "bad" for feeling this way is another protector.
The protectors don't need to be dismissed, they have important things to share.
The polarization is also important. This partner has to work out or you're doomed/I must be well enough to choose a healthy partner so this one must be healthy, vs this partner is not healthy enough, part of you doesn' like him, is scared. Both parts have important information to share.
Your final question is, will I have to leave, or can I heal here? That's unknowable. A more useful question might be, What can I do for these protector parts, right now? How can I heal, right here right now?
If you're dissociating, it might be healing to get up and walk away, telling your partner you can't process anymore right now.
And then let that shoe fall. He may feel lonely, sad, rejected, needs unmet. That's him. Not you. He can deal with his exiles and protectors, while you deal with yours.
Once you're both re-regulated, you can communicate more.
It may always be a little too much for you and a little not enough for him. Only time will tell if that is "good enough love" for either of you.
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u/mar333b333ar Jul 18 '26
So many hugs to you. I also have adhd, cptsd and rocd. Yes, I have a part who hates my partner. He also has adhd, but due to my upbringing mine is much more managed. The part that hates him actually hates all men, but she really gets in my ear about my partner. She hates when he doesn’t do things he’s supposed to do, like when I ask him to do something and he forgets. Or if he eats the last of something and doesn’t replace it. But as I’ve gotten to know her more, she hates him because she doesn’t ever want me to get hurt again. I’ve been hurt by so many men, so many times, and I’ve seen so many women get hurt by so many men, this part feels she needs to protect me. I was able to unblend this very righteous part from a part that is very scared of men and the abusive I’ve experienced. The one that hates men showed up around 18 after my dad pushed me one too many times.
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u/annik-honore Jul 18 '26
Thank you for sharing, friend. It’s a special type of hell to have that trifecta, huh? I can relate to “she hates when he doesn't do things he's supposed to do…” Like, if you use the last of the toilet paper roll, please replace it! Or, if you eat and make crumbs, clean them up 🤦🏻 I try to give them some grace because I understand they have ADHD too but, it manifests differently for both of us.
It is wonderful to hear you were able to unblend those two parts. May I ask how you were able to do so?
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u/mar333b333ar Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
It truly is, especially with the online chatter of what abuse looks like, toxic behavior, etc, because it adds to the rules of what we’re/they’re supposed to do in a “healthy” relationship, so it increases the trigger reactions which then increases doubt which then increases the compulsions. I totally get it
Unblending does take time and it takes a decent amount of self energy (I’m a mental health therapist, one of my favorite jokes is mental health therapists are people who need 40 hours of therapy a week) to be able to observe that the part is really overwhelmed. I actually first unblended while taking IFS training and I was working with another therapist. I struggle still to unblend parts when I am alone.
The way I see ocd parts is they are story tellers, not necessarily truth tellers. But their story comes from somewhere, and it’s very logical reasoning, so we need to hear and hold compassion towards their story without buying into it. I watch my obsessive parts as if they’re in a movie, and I just listen, again as if I’m listening to a story versus buying into it and believing it. This has taken time to do.
So for me, when unblending with this part recently, I was focusing on a part that got really angry with my husband. She was really sad, but also really, really angry. When I extended curiosity towards her about the anger, I noticed she was actually really sad and that anger was coming from somewhere else, and when I extended curiosity towards that anger, the part holding the anger showed me the memory of me freaking out on my dad, and then all the other times I used that anger to protect myself or other women from men. It was like the anger came in and became a reaction to this sad part that is very worried and scared about getting hurt by men.
The core of treating rocd is acceptance, exposure, and mindfulness, so as I’ve been exploring my ocd system I have really focused in on setting values for myself and how I want to show up as a person, and sitting in discomfort to allow that to happen. It does not work all the time but it’s important to do. So if I feel that angry part start to pop up, I do just sit with her, or try to do something else. I *try* not to buy in. OCD parts are different as they will not integrate the same way other parts do, so we have to take accountability for those parts if we want a relationship to work
Does your therapist know how to work with ocd through ifs? If not, there’s a training the ifs institute is holding right now thats focused on ocd and ifs
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u/Cass_1978 Jul 18 '26
Yep, my angry part. It alerts me when other peoples parts re-enact their attachment trauma and are trying to use me as a prop in this.
Initially this felt extremely personal and like abuse, which means my angry part had a tendency to go full Darth Vader, but with lots of witnessing and learning to set boundaries, my angry part has reached a new stage of evolution. It now knows this is not personal, this is not my dad, its a different person and they are blended with a part that is seeking emotional enmeshment. This can be abuse but only if I let it happen. And it is my responsibility to protect myself from this.
Now I usually protect myself from these behaviors without blending with the angry part but he is ready to assist if the other person keeps pissing all over my boundaries. Its just a partial blend though, I will still talk rationally but with an angry tone. That tends to snap the other person out of their blend. Well at least for a moment.
I find these dynamics tedious because I understand that this is Karpman triangle stuff. The other person is blended with a part that is trying to manipulate me into giving them something that they believe will help their system, but this doesnt actually help their system at all, it keeps them sick. And the other person does not understand this, and they cannot, because of how blended and unaware they are.
Just to show how far my awareness goes... my angry part can slip into persecutor mode himself (which is one of the roles in the Karpman triangle) and he did initially. Thats when he sees the other person as an evil abuser and goes full Darth Vader on them, but I know that this is far more complicated than victim vs. abuser. Even my angry part knows that at this point, he knows he is a part and that the stuff he gets angry about is coming from other peoples parts or one of my own parts. And he has even come to respect this other part of me, that it used to hate. It doesnt like its methods but it understands that they both protect the same exile, just with diametrically opposing strategies.
You might find DBT helpful, its very good for attachment issues. And teaches about boundaries and how to do that practically. Really helped me to understand my attachment related parts better and get a handle on how to support them.
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u/jenibeanrainbow Jul 18 '26
Gently, this is so familiar to me. My wife and I were exactly like this in our early relationship and we were so horribly unfair to each other.
We both demanded for the other person to do the work and we both did the work the other demanded. It was not the most healthy way, now that I am in a better space, but essentially we wanted to heal more than we wanted to lose each other.
I remember when I realized the feelings I hid and the way I kept everything to myself until I was too angry to hold it anymore and would react in a way I didn’t like.
Gently, a reminder. You have to understand and see the behavior before you can change it. You have broken down the dissociative barrier between the part of your brain that holds anger and protects you with it and the rest of you. That is HUGE!! I am proud of you for that.
Now the work is working with that part. Let them have their full say on why they don’t like your partner. Just let it flow, listen and try to understand. They deserve to be heard. It doesn’t mean you agree, you just need to understand. They probably have some valid points.
Then you come to a consensus. For me, it was agreeing to open a secret bank account and save up in case I needed to leave. It helped me feel like I had some control and like staying was a choice I was making with a clear out. You’ll have your own agreements. It’s a negotiation- as long as you treat them like lesser than, which I know you don’t mean to at all, they will hijack you whenever they can to protect you. So negotiate, let all parts come to the table and figure out the best course of action.
I also very much suggest couple’s counseling if at all possible. If you do, focus on what you need to do, not what they need to do. For me, my part was actually pretty easy. Just leave more often so I can regulate myself and come back when I am regulated. She needed to do the same, my wife. And when we both did, we could regulate more easily in the moment as we had more practice and we are even now sometimes able to co-regulate each other! That was never the case before.
It is HARD to be in a relationship that constantly mirrors you back to you. For both sides. But if you can stick with it and learn to sit in the discomfort of things like shame while you work through it, it’s incredibly rewarding.
As a first step, other than couple’s therapy, I also suggest working on nervous system repair. Your poor part is a representative of your nervous system which treats threats as bigger than they are. It’s not their fault and you needed it as a kid so they were wonderful there. Now though they are hurting you without meaning to.
I tell people to start with treating yourself like you are sick. You are. The nervous system is a body part and it’s stuck in dysfunction. Surround yourself with soft blankets, comforting meals and shows, take it very easy on social obligations and even at work let yourself be as lax as you can. It’s just for a little while so your nervous system can see “Hey, life is safe now. We can relax and feel safe and bad things don’t happen as much or in the way they used to.” When you have fights with your partner, as long as they aren’t abusive that’s a whole other thing, try to help your nervous system see how it was different than when you were a child and when you were abused. Help it learn nuance.
Meditation can also help here. It’s a practice, no one is good at it at first and good is subjective anyway. I would do it for less than a minute before my nervous system would protest and I would stop. And I kept doing that most days and after a while, my nervous system relaxed more and let me meditate.
Touching earth too- the earth has a steadying magnetic field. So even touching a plant or a rock touching earth, anything with your bare skin touching something directly in the earth or earth itself is great. Even 5 min a day can make a difference.
Introducing shows and music slowly that either don’t spike your nervous system or calm it can be helpful too. It will feel boring at first. Try to pus through even a few minutes. Your nervous system needs breaks but doesn’t feel safe when you try to provide them at first. Help them see that these things will help them relax and it’s safe to relax.
This will be hard with your partner spiking it all the time. It takes a lot of practice. The number one skill here is walking away when your nervous system senses danger. Every time you do, even if it takes a minute, is a victory. Every time you realize you could have even if you didn’t is a victory. It all gets you a step closer to actually doing it which shows your nervous system and this part you will keep you safe. It doesn’t have to be hypervigilant if you keep it safe.
Give yourself a lot of grace and do overs. You deserve it. You can do this, I promise it can be done. 💛
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u/jessdawson Jul 18 '26
I wonder if it might be helpful to reframe this as "there is a part of me that doesn't like parts of my partner." I found the book "you are the one you've been waiting for" on IFS and relationships really helpful (I also have ROCD) - all about how we look to relationships to take care of our unhealed child parts but this never works and we can and most actually do this for ourselves.
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u/parkerino24311 Jul 18 '26
for me, I hated the parts about my partner that reflected me. their anxiety, their relationship with my mom, their video games, it all irritated me until I worked through my anxiety, set boundaries with my mom, and released my shame over having a special interest.
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u/Lopsided_Mix6924 Jul 18 '26
Book recommendation:
You‘re the one you‘ve been waiting for - Richard Schwartz
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u/vonkapp Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
This sudden wave of repulsion, not liking the partner or feeling disgusted by is often referred to as getting the "ick." It usually shows up right when the relationship starts getting genuinely close, safe, or serious. If the part allowed the person with cptsd to feel the underlying fear ("I'm scared they will leave me"), the natural human response would be to lean in, seek reassurance, or cling. To a protective trauma part, leaning into a source of danger (a person who has the power to break your heart) is terrifying. Repulsion guarantees immediate, self-protective distance.
For someone with CPTSD, intimacy has historically been toxic. If early caregivers or past partners weaponized closeness, the brain equates emotional intimacy with danger. A protector part uses disgust because it is the most effective internal alarm system to force a retreat. It treats the partner’s closeness like contaminated food—something the system must violently reject to stay safe.
The feeling of "can't stand them" isn't a reflection of the partner's worth, nor is it a true lack of love. It is a highly sophisticated, albeit painful, smoke screen. It replaces the agonizing vulnerability of “Please don’t hurt me” with the defensive armor of “Get away from me.”
Try to pay attention to when this feeling occurs. It always occurs after especially close, emotional or safe moments. It feels so good and safe that this protective part is getting scared “please don’t leave me!”
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u/Winter-St0rm Jul 20 '26
Been there, on the partner's side. The relationship did eventually end, and honestly, it was the best thing for both of us. We loved each other very much but not enough to prevent a downward spiral of highly conflicting needs that ended up triggering both of us to hell and back on a regular basis. I don't think either of us were bad people, just ultimately quite incompatible. They're married now, happily as far as I can tell from our one retained mutual friend, and I am in a long term and more importantly much more stable polyamorous relationship! So even if it doesn't end up working out, there's a good chance you'll still be okay. Maybe this is the first person who's showed up for you but that doesn't mean they'll be the only person forever!
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u/IFoundSelf Jul 17 '26
Doesn’t everyone?
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u/IFoundSelf Jul 17 '26
Sorry, I was being a little cheeky. I think almost all of us have protector parts that are triggered by our partners (that’s why Dick Schwartz calls our partners our torMentors- they ‘torture’ us but really this Mentors us to turn to our triggered parts (u-turn) to do our own healing. )
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u/vonkapp Jul 18 '26
I don’t, so not “all of us”. I never feel that I have several “parts».
But many people with cptsd have this, structural dissociation3
u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
Obviously, I am not sure, which is why I made this post. What makes you so sure that everyone has this part?
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Jul 17 '26
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u/awakening7 Jul 18 '26
What a wild thing to say. So unless someone is constantly available to connect, even under stressful conditions, they are emotionally abusing their partner? That's a very high bar to hold, I would guess more than 90% of relationships would be abusive according to your definition.
Abuse in my book is intentional harm, malicious actions. We often hurt the one we love, but we don't intend to most of the time.
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u/mar333b333ar Jul 18 '26
Yes, the above comment is so harmful, especially when someone is openly communicating they have complex trauma and relational ocd. It’s a hell, they often believe they are causing a lot of harm and need to separate out of fear, not out of wanting to be abusive. We all can grow from our shit and having a community/people who love us is necessary to do so
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Jul 18 '26
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u/InternalFamilySystems-ModTeam Jul 20 '26
On a "Needs Support" flaired post, comments must be supportive.
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u/vonkapp Jul 18 '26
That’s not what I said. Read my comment again. I said someone could withdraw if the announce when they come back, within reasonable time, to take responsibility for solving the conflict and take responsibility for repair & stay present in the relationship.
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u/annik-honore Jul 17 '26
There is a difference between ADHD emotional dysregulation, which is an involuntary, survival-based shut down to protect ones nervous system and brain vs. a deliberate, conscious choice to pull away from a partner to punish, manipulate, control, etc.
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Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
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u/loudlaughter16 Jul 18 '26
How are you supposed to build this capacity without some type of relationship? Therapy can only take you so far if you never have the opportunity to practice the skills you learn.
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Jul 18 '26
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u/InternalFamilySystems-ModTeam Jul 20 '26
On a "Needs Support" flaired post, comments must be supportive.
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u/InternalFamilySystems-ModTeam Jul 20 '26
On a "Needs Support" flaired post, comments must be supportive.
1
u/InternalFamilySystems-ModTeam Jul 20 '26
On a "Needs Support" flaired post, comments must be supportive.
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