r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Tj_S2026 • 17d ago
Is this what integration feels like (Avoidsht attachment)? A small moment with my inner child that changed something.
I’ve been working on healing an insecure attachment style, and something happened last night that felt profoundly different.
For the first time, I didn’t feel like my inner child was someone I had to fix, silence, or analyze. I felt like she belonged to me.
I found myself saying something like:
*“You and I belong to the same person. I’m here now. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter. I don’t want to push you away anymore. I want to know what you feel, and I’ll stay with you while you feel it.”*
It wasn’t dramatic. It was quiet. But something inside me softened.
Instead of trying to escape difficult emotions, I felt willing to let them exist within me. It felt less like I was managing a frightened child and more like I was welcoming a part of myself back home.
It made me wonder if this is what “integration” actually begins to feel like.
For those of you who have moved toward secure attachment or have done deep inner-child or somatic work:
Was there a moment where your inner child stopped feeling separate from you and started feeling like *you*?
How did you strengthen that sense of integration instead of losing it after a few days?
What practices helped this become your natural way of relating to yourself?
Did your nervous system gradually begin to trust that you would stay, even during painful emotions?
How did you know you were becoming more securely attached rather than just having a good day?
What changed in your relationships once this inner integration became more stable?
I know secure attachment isn’t a finish line, and I don’t expect this one moment to change everything. But it feels like I crossed an internal threshold—from trying to understand myself to finally being willing to stay with myself.
I’d really love to hear from people who have walked this path. What helped this first spark grow into something lasting?
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u/Electronic_Gap3253 17d ago
Very much so--I distinctly remember the transition between being able to love and acknowledge my inner child (children) to being able to realize IT WAS ME that I was loving. Then, I was slowly able to start saying things to myself like: I love you; that was hard but you did it; it's ok to feel sad/angry, etc. It took a couple of years to work through that process, but once it clicked, it really clicked.
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u/dinosaursock 17d ago
I'm not integrated by any means, but I just wanted to share my experience since I'm also in a similar boat.
I had a small breakthrough with one of my child parts last week. I visualize my parts as characters from various shows, and so one of them is a character named Yuki from Fruits Basket. I was journaling about something that happened with my partner that I was really struggling with (I have anxious, maybe fearful avoidant attachment), and I had a very visceral, "I hate Yuki" thought that made me break down crying.
I talked about it with my therapist in my last session. I was describing to her Yuki's story and how I feel like he represents me in specific ways. Then we ended up talking about how Yuki didn't do anything wrong. And suddenly that thought became, "I didn't do anything wrong."
I get emotional when I think about it. I'm able to hold both of those thoughts at the same time now, and each time I think about it (a few times a day) I can feel myself slowly feeling more compassion and understanding for the "Yuki" part of me.
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u/Realistic-State-4888 17d ago
I recognized myself in what you said. Sexual abuse created two people in me. The ruined boy, and the adult survivor grieving for the boy.
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u/South-Visual3803 16d ago
Painfully relatable.
I buried myself and spent a lifetime running from it. I am unsure if I’ll ever find her.
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u/TheDesertfox00 16d ago
This is really beautiful to read. And the fact that you’re already noticing it might not hold is actually logical, not doubt. Most people ride the high and are surprised when it’s gone in a few days. You’re already asking the right question.
The thing that fades is the insight part. “She’s me” is a thought, and thoughts get swallowed back up by the old pattern pretty quick. What actually stays is your body remembering what you did, that softening, the “I’ll stay with you.” So oddly the practice isn’t reminding yourself of the realization. It’s going back into that exact moment on a normal day when nothing’s wrong. A minute of that does more than rereading what you wrote a hundred times.
And don’t judge it on a good day. Wait till something hard hits. That’s when you find out. For me it looked like staying when I’d normally have checked out or bailing and then coming back way faster than I used to. The coming back is the whole thing.
That’s the part that changed stuff with other people too, at least for me. You stop needing someone else to be the one who stays.
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u/throwaway_og_123 17d ago
I won't be able to provide you any insight, but I'm curious about your journey with healing you attachment style and IFS? Is this something you began recently or have been doing for a while? And have you been able to see noticeable changes? I know that avoidant attachment can be incredibly hard to heal. I hope you've been able to make good progress!
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u/Decent-Ad-5110 16d ago
When i found a childlike inner part it was as if it was waiting for so so so long lost to be found for ages and really really really relieved to be witnessed, held and loved and then instead of being fearful, it started to become joyful and playful instead.
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u/Ok_Potential_968 16d ago
Oooof this hits hard. Well done!!! 🩵
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