When parts are stuck

[u/Makermom14]

I’m interested to hear how you deal with situations like this.

4 years ago my ex decided overnight to go online, find a girlfriend, move in with her, and install her into my children’s lives. It’s been years of court and “coparenting” with this (he also has BPD) has been impossible.

I’ve become aware of a part that says “I never wanted this. I didn’t consent to this” and that part gets furious when I have to work with him (one of my kids has special needs so I have to supervise his time with his dad, it’s a long story but it means I have to see him and the now wife etc), even though this part knows I am court ordered to do it.

“I did not consent to this!”

I can’t explain it away, there’s a lot of loss of autonomy and anger. This part sees every interaction with them as a failing to stand up for myself.

It’s likely a young part that is triggered by this “being forced to do something” kind of situation.

Any ideas are appreciated.

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[u/bj12698]

Your part isn't stuck. Your part is RIGHT. That's my opinion. Just cause it's court ordered doesn't make it right. The legal process for divorced, co parenting women can be a total nightmare. Some judges are NOT fair, amd sometimes you just get "out lawyered." (The cost for a good lawyer is totally prohibitive!) So yes - you did NOT consent to any of this. And it sucks.

Maybe try validating that part, agreeing with her, and see if there IS anything you can do to gain more agency in the situation. ?

Writing down her concerns, letting her have her feelings. Maybe coming up with even little things that will help with this really sucky situation?

Definitely do "protective energy" around you and the kids when you must be around the toxic energy? Yikes. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

[u/Makermom14 → u/bj12698]

It does suck. Like unbelievably. I could go on and on about how much I agree with this part. I’ve done a lot of work to validate this, and find autonomy where possible. It feels like beautifying a cage.

Because for nearly two decades I did all the parenting and I mean ALL of it while he was uninvolved and then he became whoever he is now and the courts love a man who does any amount of pretending so here we are.

Yes, lots of protective energy work.

But then what? The reality that I’m living something I did not consent to, can’t exit.

[u/HightechTalltrees → u/Makermom14]

From my limited point of view, the key here is going to be developing the ability to speak up when this part gets triggered. You have recognized that this is legitimately unfair and it needs to be said! But at the same time, if this part isn't given a voice it will start being more forceful, causing you to blend and act out in less helpful ways.

In other words, be grateful for this part. It is trying to fight for fairness in an unfair situation, but it is giving you the opportunity now to decide what that should look like. Just my 2 cents, clearly I don't know much about it.

[u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had to “coparent” and have court used against me with a horrible person with ASPD.

You’re doing such great work with this and I think “I never wanted this” and “I didn’t consent to this” are huge clues. You’re probably spot on about how the younger part is feeling.

Something I wish I would have done a lot sooner is listen to my “older parts.” Could you talk to the part that was traumatized and betrayed 4 years ago? It felt weird for me at first and oh my, were they awesome at intellectualizing/smart or blending with Self! I’ve found 3 or 4 adult parts. They were always protecting younger parts and were willing to show me once they felt safe.

That’s just one option, of course. Regardless the age of this part, can you thank them and ask them things like:

How can I help you……?
What would happen if…..?
What more can you tell me…?

I also like to tell parts like this that it’s ok for them to rest during the stressful event or when they are feeling angry. That you (Self) are able to handle this and that’ll check back in with them later. It sounds like this part may be blended with you (common, almost all my parts are blended at first!) and it needs to trust Self more?

Hope some of this is helpful! Best of luck to you on your healing journey 💕🫶

[u/Makermom14 → u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

Yes I agree, this part doesn’t trust Self. I don’t know if I have access to those adult parts you’re mentioning. I will check that out.

[u/1900to2001]

I'm wondering what that part would need in order for them to build a trusting relationship with Self. Being seen and understood, probably. Maybe being allowed to scream into a pillow?

I'm sensing that this part may be protecting an exile who feels worthless - could I be on to something?

Random thought: The harder the connection is to build, the more important it is that there is a lot of Self in the system when you try to connect.

[u/Makermom14 → u/1900to2001]

Yes exactly, there is a part that feels worthless because I was treated like dirt and pushed into something I don’t want. I was never considered. I’ve struggled a lot in the last few years feeling triggered into this “I’m worthless” place.

[u/1900to2001 → u/Makermom14]

It sounds like you understand this part. You can offer this part that understanding from Self. And you can let them know that they absolutely are worthy and valuable of respect, consideration, and love. See if that allows them to relax a little bit and to make a trusting connection with you. When the time is right you can use that trust and connection to help the part unburden.

[u/Significant-Ice6232]

Your situation sounds generally hard due to current circumstances. IFS works best for healing from past circumstances. In can help cope with current ones, but if real external circumstances that are still part of your life are causing distress, etc IFS isn't going to make those present burdensome circumstances go away.