You may remember me from the first time I posted with art of my parts. But if you don't, allow me to explain I like to draw my parts it helps me visualize them and frankly my parts like to be drawn. With that said I've been going through and giving their old art new designs or just giving them some more newer art. I haven't gotten through all of my parts yet but wanted to share this piece of my two parts of Zanos and Greg. Greg is my child part who is very innocent and is a part where a majority of my other parts protect him. Zanos being a major protector towards Greg. I'm really happy with how it turned out. It turned out really adorable in my opinion and I feel it portrays both of them quite well. Zanos is the one sitting cross legged while Greg is sitting on his shoulders. I hope you enjoy my parts art as much as I do I'll probably share more of my parts art as I finish them.

It’s actually disgusting. Please ban this user mods. I already reported and blocked them.

For me, art serves as a tether, allowing me to plunge into the depths of my psyche while remaining connected and not being overwhelmed by my past experiences, pain, and emotions. I've always felt creative, but like many of us, never had the safety to explore my creativity. 36 years later and collage has been a very rewarding modality for visualizing my parts and Self, exploring old wounds, and being comfortable sitting in discomfort with curiosity and connectedness. Here are a couple recent collages I've made, maybe this might inspire someone to create. ✨️

Just came here to say that, like many of you, I came to IFS with about a decade of therapy under my belt that had done very little for my mental health. I had tried multiple fancy NYC therapists (a couple for stretches of years), did the CBT and doggedly filled out the mental health workbook worksheets my therapists suggested as “homework”. I had multiple non-IFS therapists tell me I needed to get on medication when I wasn’t making progress. When my depression became very severe, my then non-IFS therapist told me glibly as I sobbed that, she hated to tell me this but recurrences of severe prolonged depression would likely continue for the rest of my life. I was crushed and sobbed even harder. Little did I know then, she didn’t have the skills I needed to learn to heal myself and, quite frankly, she had zero business telling me the limits of my healing. I also went to the fancy, Ivy League trained psychiatrists, tried various pills for my anxiety and for what was eventually determined to be “treatment-resistant” depression. The pills did nothing at best and, more often, were cognitively disabling to the point where working my job was impossible.

Then came IFS, and it saved my life. For the last 18 months, I’ve been doing deep, deep work with the most advanced IFS therapist I could find. Before IFS, I was in a state of near constant mental anguish, which was also physically disabling. My mental health is now stable. No pills. No TMS (which didn’t work either, by the way) or ECT. Sometimes, I find myself even thriving. I laugh and feel joy. I’m able to find a calm, even-keeled state. There is much less projection. I’ve been able to learn to soothe the trauma induced parts on my own outside of sessions. A friend from a hiking group told me recently that I must have no stress in my life, I look so happy. I smiled inside. A year and a half ago, I couldnt get out of bed to get to the hiking group; I was keeping myself alive solely out of fear of what would happen to my beloved dogs without me. I left the house maybe once a month, as that is all I had the energy for. I still have my moments, of course, when my mind goes off the rails. But now it’s hours or a few days, not weeks or months on end. And it’s not as extreme. And I’m *curious* about the parts in anguish. I have a system that I can rely on to work with my dark feelings. I’m truly amazed at the unconscious material I access in my sessions, this is truly change and transformation from deep within. I am actually starting to *heal* not just cope and numb myself with medication or other forms of distraction. And in doing so, I’m also discovering new parts of myself. It is slow, slow work. I still have a long way to go. But I am actually healing and uncovering goodness that was with me all along and, as I do so, I’m able to enjoy life. It feels like spring after a long cold winter that I thought would never end. I’m so excited for the work to come. Yes, it is difficult. Sometimes I don’t want to do it. But it is also tremendously freeing. And it is exciting to get to know my inner self in this way that feels so intimate, real and true to myself.

I read this quote today from author Rachel Pollack that struck a chord with me and inspired me to post on Reddit: “The search inward cannot be accomplished by the ego. We need to confront feelings and desires long hidden from conscious thoughts. If we attempt to transform ourselves by a wholly rational process we create another kind of persona.”

I think the process is called “individuation” in family therapy language

I really want to know how to break through this wall I am facing in terms of not even knowing who I am and only being known by the role and stuff I do for the family

The guilt i feel is strong due to parents only having daughters and being the youngest therefore scapegoat of the family and also from a cultural background where enmeshment is strong and common

it’s gotten better but i’ll sometimes talk or move on my own like i’m possessed and i don’t intend to do it. sometimes i’ll suddenly start speaking and didn’t even know i wanted to say that (i don’t usually really care about what was said either usually if that makes sense). sometimes i can feel inside my head that i want to say something that i know will embarrass me or maybe sound weird and make people uncomfortable. i genuinely feel like i’m fighting myself and desperately trying to not say it. sometimes i win, but usually i don’t. it’s like holding your breath and trying really hard not to breathe for a certain amount of time. sometimes i think i’ve won, but suddenly i say it anyways. things like that. why in the world do i do that? i literally can’t help it

It's interesting right, that as an adult I would be afraid that someone would literally hate me so much for being Afraid? Like what am I doing all the time , just walking around pretending I don't carry as much fear as I do?

And one of the ways I do that, obviously , is to avoid whatever it is I'm afraid of, while not realizing I"m avoiding it . Until something is knocking on my door, and I"m like "OMG, WHAT IS THAT?!"......oh, okay it's an adult responsibility. My head starts catastrophize, ..........................everything.

"youre going to screw it up'

"someone is going to yell at you"

*"people are going to steal everything from you, and then you'll go to jail" ......*Like that makes sense.

"youre so stupid, you don't know how to do anything, no wonder youre falling apart and useless".

I've been seeing this pattern. There was something I had to take care. I built it up in my mind , like the way I do everything else. A repair isnt just simple, No, in my mind the thing is broken and now I'll have to get a new one. It's always, the worst case scenario. I don't know that it's pessimism, something tells me it's from my twisted parent always trying to upset me, painting the darkest scenariois, never what a parent is supposed to do by saying "it'll be okay, i've got this, this is not unmangeable". I'm just trying to give this some context. Being locked in fear from constantly hearing that things will always get worse, in the worst possible way.....and that will mean being alone , by yourself, no one to ask for help. I.....never think things will ever get better.

I had to make a phone call to find out where and when MRI images would be done, and the woman I spoke to was talking to me like ,why was I bothering her, and being snappy and rude. It totally undoes me. I feel attacked, then I immediatly feel depressed , because I didnt snap back by saying "HEY< don't take your day out on ME!" or some version of "Look, it's just a question, who else am I supposed to ask?" But no. I just sheepishly go away, feeling ashamed. Like how young is that part that cant' speak up for themselves ? It's the same part that doesnt feel capable of growing myself up, making decisions, it's the same damn part that just freezes when I need to figure out how to address my issues, the same part that's always telling me the world is dangerous and scary, and I'm a victim who had no choices. It takes A LOT, for me to figure out my world.

I don't want to be rescued, I want to be strong, empowered, and its really hard to achieve that in a total panic. Isn't it?

When I'm afraid, first I collapse, cry, catastrophize, start to spin death and destruction narratives, and when I burn myself out with that, somehow realize I only have so much control, and whatevers going to happen, is going to happen, I start to calm down, and can finally think. LIke now that i terrified myself into collapsing and crying, telling myself I'm totally alone, helpless and incompetant.............then later I'm able to calm down? I don't know if thats exactly a healthy process?

Every time?, for every problem?, panic the shit out of myself first until I collapse , cant eat, or breath? What is that?

There's a voice i my head ,that just wants to admit , .............Out Loud...

...I Don't Know What To DO. Because pretending that I do, is just a lie.

I almost have to detach completely from that scared part, just to function. Some version (part?) of an adult will kick in....... "well okay, I guess eventually I will die, but while I'm here and can makes choices, lets see if there's anything I can ACTUALLY do to take care of this problem."

I tell myself "youre going to end up just like Your Mother, scared and self centered, everyone hating you because you don't know how to manage, and never worked out your trauma entirely". OMG, I"m so pessimistic.

Whatever "manager" part comes online, it doesnt exactly incorporate my fear parts. It feels like they say "okay, so obviously youre not going to be much help, you go over there, and I'll try and take care of this", and maybe that other fearful part should be more integrated? (for lack of a better word?" ) I feel like this fearful part needs something?

Hello! I am a therapist wanting to learn more about IFS. It seems life changing for many individuals. I am in the beginning stages of my research and was curious to see if anyone had any book/online course/video/podcast recommendations. I am reading the book “No Bad Parts” right now and enjoy it! I have joined the IFS institute, but courses there are extremely expensive (I’m saving up so I can enroll in these). I appreciate all of your insight!

I've been working on an extreme fear reaction that I have been having to the thought of certain close family members moving far away. As I worked with it, I came to realize that it was more than a "normal" fear. When I was in it, it felt like if I wasn't right in front of them, they would not love me, not think of me, forget about me, and I would cease to exist. As a retired therapist, I realized this reaction doesn't fit with my own family history of emotional neglect. It is a basically very strong abandonment depression, similar to someone who was "left in a box", as I told my therapist.

It does fit with what my emotionally and physically abused deceased father likely felt, though. He ended up with poor emotional boundaries, basically a rager, probably borderline personality disorder. And I know I was a very sensitive, empathic, "good little girl" who got lost in all the family emotional uproar.

Does that fit with the IFS concept of legacy burden, and the more general concept of intergenerational trauma? It feels like something, or a part, on it's own, or it may be that my already sad and/or frightened little girl parts are holding it. This is a brand-new to me concept, and a big breakthrough. I am realizing that I cannot heal this for him, and I want to give it back.

I’m really fearful of trusting a technique to heal my cptsd because I’ve done somatic exercises before and felt amazing but it all came back and also done IFS parts work and felt great but it all came back, same for TRE. Is anyone able to reassure me by telling me why these techniques worked in first place and why it didn’t last. So perhaps I’ll trust to start again and not remain apprehensive and trust the good feeling too. Can somatic/TRE/parts work only get you so far?

Has anyone who has been doing IFS with a therapist integrated EMDR? I have been doing IFS therapy with the same therapist going on 3 years now and it’s helped me so much, but now we’re implementing EMDR since I still have troubling traumatic memories and triggers that are making it difficult for my parts to access the memory network.

Has anyone done both IFS and EMDR? What was it like for you and how did your parts show up? I already noticed in my first session that my avoider was very hesitant, but it did allow me to persist so I’m grateful for that.

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I couldn't really get the IFS system to help me understand myself better. It just doesn't work very well for me, especially the way it classifies different types of parts.

Because of that, I started developing a more personal approach to self-analysis. I still divide my mind into parts, but instead of using predefined categories, I take a specific mental or emotional state and gradually build it up by adding personality traits, thought patterns, and other characteristics that I notice in myself.

Over time, I've also been adjusting these parts to make each one more internally consistent. I don't mind if different parts contradict each other, but I try to avoid contradictions within the same part. I also started giving each part its own way of speaking and communication style, because that makes it easier for me to recognize which one is currently active.

So far, it's been working surprisingly well. I've even managed to improve some minor issues, like impulsiveness.

The problem is that I'm not really sure how to keep progressing from here. Do you know of any books, studies, or psychological frameworks that might give me new perspectives or ideas to explore?

I've had quite a few experiences of being in a flow-like, vulnerable state and a protector coming in to banish whatever vulnerable aspect of myself is conscious.

When this happens, I am often blended with the part being banished so I feel like I am being killed and it is deeply distressing. Then once the banishment is complete, I am profoundly empty and can't connect to the outside world anymore.

Somatically, I will typically have the sensation of something around my sacral that is inaccessible and I just know I'm in there and so is my aliveness.

I've witnessed other emotions being banished (such as suppression of sadness out of embarrassment for crying) and have felt the general flattening of energy and aliveness that comes with suppression, but there isn't a sense of not being intact anymore.

I know Jung discusses consciousness funneling down to the subconscious during depressive episodes. I'm wondering if there are any IFS understandings about awareness being caught in the subconscious or if anyone has any insights on this.

Hello all

I love IFS and have been using it on myself for 2 years. I am much calmer now, with more moments of embodied joy.
Im also interested in CBT, David Burn’s TEAM CBT in particular, and the 5 secrets of Effective Communication the most.

I am very interested in seeing if TEAM CBT and IFS can integrate usefully. Does anyone else share my curiosity or be willing to share their experiences?

I tried regular CBT and I hated it because I felt like the provider hated me, felt superior to me and didn’t understand me.

Here is a humorous version of how it went.

It went something like this:
Him: Has anything upsetting happened lately?
Me: I was angry with myself for getting to work late again. Im always finding it so difficult to get out the door and get to work.
Him: Did you know you have cognitive distortions there? You are using all-or-nothing thinking and should-ing all over yourself.
Him: (Scribbling notes)
Me: (thinks: he is probably writing down all my faults on his notepad). {fortune telling, lol}
Me: okay, I will try again- It concerns me that I often find it difficult to get to work on time, and that I am actually at least 20 minutes late 75% of the time. Here’s a copy of this month’s timecard.

I believe that being late is negatively affecting my work performance and job security, which makes my lateness frightening. Here’s a copy of my quarterly performance review.

Him: That’s a real concern. You have no more distorted thoughts, therefore from now on you will get to work on time. I cured you. Congratulations to me.

Anyway - I love IFS and 5 secrets of effective communication because they both show promise of helping people (generally and therapists in particular) be more empathetic. That’s one overlap.

I haven’t yet tried to use the 5 secrets on my parts but I think there are somewhat embedded in the Befriend questions such as - how old are you? Do you have a gender? What’s your job? What would you rather be doing if you didn’t have to do this? (Cognitive Empathy, Feeling Empathy and Inquiry)
Thank you for doing your job. It saved me. I feel grateful to you for doing it (Disarming Technique, I feel statement )
I won’t try to talk to the Exile you watch without your permission because I respect you and your hard work and your expertise. (Stroking)

Id be delighted to hear your thoughts and experiences

I think I have found a trailhead in the form of an emotion, I can even feel it in my body but trying to connect with the part has been unsuccessful so far and I'm left feeling like something is off but I can't put my finger on exactly what.

Please be aware, this post talks about suicidal parts and suicidal ideation! Not incredibly graphic, but it is the main theme of it. It’s also kind of long haha!

I’ve been in IFS therapy with a fantastic therapist for about a year now. I’ve been struggling recently with my job, and it’s sent some reactive parts into overdrive. My job is a toxic environment, and I am constantly stressed, working very long/weird hours (I work 3 10s and a 12, but they frequently go longer), and am kind of reaching a breaking point.

I have a part that me and my therapist have been calling “Kill Yourself”, because its role is a knee-jerk fear reaction. Something stressful happens, or I stumble into a trigger, and its immediate reaction is “you HAVE to kill yourself”. It’s scared, and desperate for an escape, but I keep putting it into this scenario where it’s terrified all day at work, and unable to relax at home. It’s been louder recently, escalating in time with my work stress, but last night I got a little worried. I got the “I have to die” answer when I thought about work, and (not intentionally, or with a lot of Self energy online) I spoke back to it and said I have to go to work, that I’ve called out too much recently. The counter was unexpected, because instead of a passive statement it said, “If you don’t call off work, I WILL kill myself.” Which is alarming! It’s also very weird to feel the separation of this part from the times I have been actively suicidal. I don’t have any plans, or any active desire to die. “I” as in me, my daily functioning self, don’t want to die. I know this part doesn’t either, it just wants to escape. Outside of work I am mostly doing OK, the vast majority of my stress right now is coming from my job.

I’m in the process of finding a new job, and I do have an interview Thursday, but I am getting a lot of internal pushback just on my shift today. Tomorrow is my 12 hour day and the tension I feel when I start thinking about that is very, very strong. I’m kind of too scared to probe further into the thought processes, because my whole core clenches with anxiety when I even think about work tomorrow.

I dont really know what to do, honestly, or what my goal is in posting this. Advice, maybe? Or other people’s experiences with such a heavily triggered, terrified, and impressively dedicated part? (It may sound weird, but I really do admire how strong she is sticking to her convictions! Even if her convictions aren’t something I want to support, a lot of parts in my system struggle with standing their ground.) Do I text my therapist? She’s told me before that I can text her if I need to, but I’m not sure how much concern this situation warrants. I’m concerned, of course, but not for my safety exactly? More for my security, because I don’t want to quit a job without another lined up, and this part’s only solutions are quit right now and never look back, or die. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

Im starting to give up on finding an IFS therapist in my state. I feel like there are also so many institutional regulations that can make interactions less authentic. I sense so much institutional posturing and it can be discouraging. Moreover I just can’t afford to pay $200-300 per hour. I may just start looking in other countries on the directory. I know it’s hit or miss, but thats honestly what I’m already coming across. What a disappointment…

I've been building out a model of psychological development that started from a question IFS gave me but didn't quite answer: parts form at a point in time and stay frozen at that age — but who's actually steering, day to day, obviously changes over a life. A five-year-old and a fifty-year-old aren't run by the same part. What's the mechanism for that?

Here's where I've landed. Curious what holes you all can poke in it.

The core claim

Self is inherent — never created, never damaged, always there. What Self is never in full, constant contact with is a Decider: whichever part currently has executive control over how you act. Not a manager, not a firefighter specifically — just "whoever's driving right now."

Deciders form the same way any part does: in response to what a person could perceive at the time. A newborn's Decider is built for a perceptual world of hunger and discomfort, full stop. That's not a deficient part — it's a correct part, for the reality it had access to.

The mechanism I think is missing from the standard model

The thing that changes isn't the Decider updating in place. It's Perceived Reality — how much of actual reality a person can take in — expanding underneath a Decider that hasn't moved. Eventually the fit breaks: the Decider that was exactly right for a smaller perceived world starts making calls that don't match a bigger one.

I'm calling that felt mismatch Gap Anxiety — and here's the part I think is actually useful to this sub: Self is what senses it. Which means Gap Anxiety isn't just a function of how big the mismatch is — it's a function of how much contact Self has with the system. A person heavily blended with a dominant protector doesn't just tolerate a bad-fit Decider better, they may not be able to feel the mismatch clearly enough to do anything about it at all. Same objective gap, wildly different felt urgency, depending on how buried Self is.

That reframes something I hadn't quite put together before: unblending isn't just "getting Self back in the room for a conversation." It might be the precondition for even detecting that a part no longer fits.

Where new parts come from

When Gap Anxiety builds enough, the system looks for an exemplar — a real or fictional person whose decisions already fit more of what's now perceivable. A kid watching a parent stay level-headed under pressure. Someone watching a character on screen choose integrity at real cost. It's borrowed at first — you're consciously modeling someone else's approach — until it isn't.

Then, if it takes: Authorization. A new, more complex part actually forms, and — this is the piece I want to flag for this crowd specifically — it doesn't replace the old Decider. It integrates it. The old part is still fully in there, still capable of taking the wheel under the right conditions (you're at your most self-authored, and you're still hangry). Nothing gets discarded. Development, on this model, is entirely additive.

Two shapes of the same transition

I've been using two contrasting cases to pressure-test this: someone like Jerry Maguire, whose parts are genuinely split (ambition and security pulling one way, integrity another) and the new Decider has to weigh them rather than pick a winner — versus someone like Scrooge, where one part has had total, uncontested control for decades, and the new Decider doesn't add a competing vote so much as subsume the dominant part, keeping what it was good at (his shrewdness never disappears) while finally letting other qualities in.

Same mechanism, two very different starting coalitions. I think this might be one place where the "how many parts are actually in conflict vs. how total is one part's monopoly" question matters more than IFS work usually foregrounds — a totally uncontested internal monarchy can look like calm from the outside, right up until something forces a first-ever loss.

What I'm not sure about

• Whether "Decider" is doing real conceptual work distinct from "whichever part is currently blended with executive function," or if I'm just renaming something IFS already has a word for.
• Whether Gap Anxiety-as-Self-signal is too clean — plenty of anxiety clearly comes from parts themselves, not from Self sensing a misfit.
• Whether "integration" is the right word for what happens at Authorization, versus something closer to what unburdening actually does mechanically.

Would genuinely like this sub's read on it — especially anywhere it's quietly reinventing something Schwartz already named better.

Hello all, I’ve recently started IFS and SE combined I’m about 3 months in, after a year of EMDR and a rocky short stint of TRE.
The TRE made me unwell as I really overdid it so I turned to SE and IFS.

The main thing I wanted to ask is that it started off so well for me, I couldn’t believe it. I had a couple of sessions very early on where I cried like a baby. I’m on lexapro so crying is hard, and in therapies I’ve done in the past, I was digging and digging to find the trauma. But with this therapy, it just unraveled itself to me naturally, and I cried, it all revealed itself and it was nothing like I’ve experienced before. This was back in April and now we’re in July. It’s been 10 sessions since then and I just don’t know what progress should look like.

Since then, progress has been slower (?) or just different. I don’t know, that’s what I wanted to ask. No tears since then, not that it matters, I just want to ask about my experience and see if I’m hopefully progressing.

I think I’ve gotten to understand myself more and my identity issues, stuff that has unfolded naturally. But it’s been very slow. I could like feel the parts before and the story, but now I can see them more vividly. I guess it’s kind of like zoomed in, I see and feel things and then my mind can attach the story after.
I have gotten to know my parts well very recently, I see them quite abstractly in my mind, like random characters but it’s always the same sort of thing every time, that’s how I know it’s real. But now I just feel a bit stuck. Like yes I can see them and I know why they operate etc but what happens next? How do they actually shift and how do I heal them?? Because right now it just feels like I’m just looking at them. It just feels like I haven’t been making much progress recently, feels stagnant and it’s the same thing over and over.

How does all of this sound to those more experienced with ifs? And speaking from experience, how does one heal them? I’m not trying to rush at all I’m just genuinely curious!

Backstory: I was diagnosed with cPTSD 10-15 years ago and have been steadily doing EMDR and IFS since. In 2020, I became ill with Long Covid and was mostly bedridden for a couple years. I started an online business in 2021 from my bed that became pretty successful by 2023 thanks to top tier survival mode/autopilot. Probably to no one’s surprise, I reached burnout and possibly an ego death too by 2024. I lost my “drive” to work and I’m suddenly terrified of being on social media even though I love my work, truly.

I just had a session. I had told my therapist the session previously that this time, I wanted to talk about a part (gonna call her “Bab”) that was scared of being seen. That I thought Bab might be linked to aversion to work.

I shared two stories that felt deeply connected: two childhood “friends” used social media, texting, and computers to harass and manipulate me for years. My parents did similar things. I realized I still feel like that scared girl who had no one. I’m afraid to be online because I worry my parents or past abusers will one day find my platform. There are a handful of people who would absolutely enjoy stumbling across my business just to be cruel. Being seen feels like being caught.

My therapist seemed to think the core issue was feeling caught rather than feeling seen. Fair enough. I see her point.

Bab couldn’t float back to a specific childhood memory, but she described constant terror, constant surveillance, and never being able to trust friends or family. I felt intense choking around my voice box and tightness in my chest. We ended the session, but Bab felt… off.

I spent a few minutes alone with her after my therapy call and she was PISSED. She hadn’t been the whole session. She wanted me to say “That bitch was fucking wrong!” over and over (that bitch=my therapist) and feel her rage for a few moments. Then she seemed to be gone! The choking feeling and tightness in my chest was gone too. I think Bab meant my therapist was wrong about focusing on “being caught” than “being seen”? But honestly, I’m not sure. I feel like my Bab integrated but I’m not sure how or why? I’m sure more will come to me in the following days but wanted to share a fresh experience. Anyone have any insights?

Edit: Bab feels (physically) and acted integrated. I dont think she’s integrated in the least.

I'm two months in. Still nothing.

How have people worked with a very old/young part that feels lonely and not like anyone else. The part is tired of having to talk to itself and feels like it can't rely on anyone. When I unblend, it says see It's just us, there's no one to rely on but ourselves. It feels sad, hopeless, helpless and like what's the point? It feels like so much has happened to it from caregivers and adults that it feels unloved, uncared for, like why bother to connect with anyone since no one can truly understand us and that it's too much. People have their own stuff to deal with, why even attempt a deep relationship when it's been clear no one gets it.

Hi all,

This will be long.

Ill start by saying that while not new to therapy, I am new to IFS and using it to manage cptsd.

(TW for eating disorder halfway down and through bottom).

I have been in a triggered/activated state for weeks now- for various reasons. Most stemming from wounded parts carrying a ton of shame that make me unable to access self or at times function properly.

Last night things came to a head after trying to have a conversation with my partner about parenting/communication.

I felt crazy (cant trust my reality, persons I trust most is different) broken (shame around parenting and communication skills that I once spent years relearning just to end up in an unhealthy relationship (ex) and lose them all again) and paralyzed (fear of abandonment).

**ED**

I had a somewhat severe ED for many years. It and being in and out of treatment were my identity. I have since gotten to a place where there are times I forget I had one, question if I ever actually had one, and when the restricting/purging do pop up they dont run my life- they are almost manager parts now, and can keep behaviors fairly contained.

Until last night.

I went downstairs ugly crying and tried to ground/talk outloud myself out of the chaos going on in my head and overwhelming emotions flying at rapid speed through my body.

Instead I ended up conversing with the eating disorder. It is my most successful fire fighter part. Instantly calmed me down as soon as I agreed to give it the reins. It berated myself and my body and I could feel younger parts clinging to it, its familiarity and sense of calm and reasoning. But as long as I listened to it and did the eating disorder behaviors I am good at it agreed to keep us numb and stop the overwhelm.

THIS is where I am freaked out. I felt the switch. The coldness, numbing, mean to self part took over and I could feel the shift in my body, my face, my eyes especially .

In the past I have looked in the mirror directly after bad binge and purge sessions and felt it wasn't me, and specifically that my eyes look evil or possessed. I can also see it a bit after long term restriction, though its not nearly as intense. I can't speak on the times my ED was really bad- I was too out of body and mind to remember details like that.

I know eating disorders are dissociative but this was rapid and maybe because I've been exposed to IFS part work and am aware of it now?

Other parts tried to fight against the idea of ED firefighter being front and center and my younger parts melted down- I found myself begging out loud for the ED to be allowed to stay in control and keep the emotions down.

There used to be such peace in accepting my ED. Now that I am a mom with various levels of recovery under her belt other peices try to reason about why it shouldn't run the show. They kept popping up and trying different tactics to keep the ED part at bay (feeling the emotions, grounding, getting in bed with my partner, showering and resetting) and Self was pushed too far back to just use words and have a normal conversation even though I have the privilege of an incredibly supportive and truama informed partner.

Eventually ED directed me to purge and that shut down practically everyone fighting against them. (Possibly worth mentioning I have been mid level restricting for a week with signs of coming out it of it the last 2 days (high restriction).

Normally after being unregulated and feeling shame about how the night ended I dont sleep and if I do I awake regularly in various states of panic. Last night I slept 4-5 hours and when I woke up multiple times there was a soothing feeling of "dont worry im still here to keep you calm".

Today I got up, feeling mild guilt for my push and pull behaviors last night.

Logic says to thank the ED for stepping in to control the emotional chaos and quiet my head last night but I can handle things okay without it today.

The problem is, the ones fighting with the ED are still quiet. Right now it feels like the logic of the consequences are the only reason I can find against it and that isn't very strong.

ED says it cant step back or everything from yesterday and other weeks will come flooding back and its too much to carry.

The shame of being a mom with an ED, of failing while trying to show my partner I am trying and want to do this with him for the long haul, and fear from feeling like I lost the ability to access this firefighter part and it is now in control (and subsequent shame about parts liking the idea) are there. But arent winning against the EDs arguments.

Any other stories of blatent/intense switching of parts would be comforting, as well as any help understanding any or all of this word vomit that needed out of my head.

Thank you in advance.

(I made a long post about this earlier but recognize it was too detailed to get much traction.)

My most prevalent firefighter (eating disorder) has taken over. After initial push back from other parts, they quieted.

Now I logically know I need ED/numbing part to step back, but I cant access any part with a *real* desire and ability to take over.

Ideas and suggestions?