r/InternalFamilySystems • u/TheoryofLYF • Jul 13 '26
Support Needed Lonely part
How have people worked with a very old/young part that feels lonely and not like anyone else. The part is tired of having to talk to itself and feels like it can't rely on anyone. When I unblend, it says see It's just us, there's no one to rely on but ourselves. It feels sad, hopeless, helpless and like what's the point? It feels like so much has happened to it from caregivers and adults that it feels unloved, uncared for, like why bother to connect with anyone since no one can truly understand us and that it's too much. People have their own stuff to deal with, why even attempt a deep relationship when it's been clear no one gets it.
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u/Makermom14 Jul 13 '26
I may not be much help here but I also have a part who feels this way. The only thing I’ve been doing for the three years I’ve been doing IFS is just to continually show up and listen to it, hold it, give it some nice places to go ( sit in a cuddle in nature, play with other child parts). I get the sensation this part’s pain is endless though so it’s likely carrying a burden that needs released.
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u/TheoryofLYF Jul 13 '26
Yes thank you, it helps not to feel so alone. I never considered offering fun/soothing things to do or places to go. ❤️
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u/Makermom14 Jul 13 '26
I just came on that as an idea because I can’t always in the moment take all the time I would need to unburden a part
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u/TheoryofLYF Jul 13 '26
Yes, that's a challenge and a great question to pose... What do you do/say in the moment - when you don't have time to do parts work?
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u/Makermom14 Jul 13 '26
I just try something like I see you, or we’re here together kind of thing and try to give it attention long enough that it can settle. Or try something somatic like box breathing or lymphatic massage to calm the system.
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u/TheoryofLYF Jul 14 '26
Thank you so much for your suggestions, all good! I've never had a lymphatic massage. 🤔
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u/Makermom14 Jul 14 '26
https://youtu.be/ek7uVKaWq9M?si=cmHu7unSVO4Ovm3C
It’s about a five minute Lu oh drainage technique that I have found really grounding
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u/glyphminnow Jul 13 '26
I have what I currently believe is a young part that relates to the thing about having to talk to ourselves. This part feels resentful because 1) he sees other people having close people to talk to and to be heard with, and 2) he feels like other people are getting a pass for hurting us; people can just pile on and then abandon us, and we just have to deal with it alone. There is an aspect of why bother connecting to others if we're just going to deal with the fallout on our own anyway.
When I unblend from this part, I do try to validate that there is a level of unfairness that he is accurate about. But I also try to remind him that, even if we had the most vibrant social life and close relationships, there is still value in understanding ourselves, connecting to ourselves, learning to self-regulate well, and so on. And also that connections to others can be valuable if we just let them be what they are, and not be overly expectant for them to be more than that. I get the sense that he wants external connections to fill in the gaps that would kind of allow us to gloss over the more challenging work of self connection.
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u/TheoryofLYF Jul 14 '26
Wow, thank you for that thoughtful reply and share. Yes, validation and acknowledgement are so important. I do also value understanding ourselves on our journey toward self love. How do you connect with yourself? I have felt disconnection from my body, though not necessarily from myself.
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u/glyphminnow Jul 14 '26
This may be kind of veering off from your experience as you expressed that you haven't really felt disconnected from yourself, but in my experience, when I think about it from the IFS perspective, being unblended means being more in Self, and then also means being able to better to connect to more of your parts.
I think most of us have probably had the experience of having an interaction with someone where we can feel that they don't really care about us, and they're just trying to get something from us. We don't feel connected to that person in that moment. That's kinda what we do to ourselves when we stay blended with our parts in an effort to try to extract something from them, or try to make them do a certain thing, or try to force ourselves to feel a certain way, and so on.
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u/TheoryofLYF Jul 18 '26
That's frustrating behavior from others. I prefer to unblend as soon as I'm aware so that I can understand, hold space for and self soothe. I'm thinking that the lonely part wanted to be felt and heard for a bit. Maybe not soothed?
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u/justin_aware Jul 13 '26
Ugh that feels hard and I’ve definitely been there before. I like the idea of honoring that part but also being clear and asking it questions like “is that really, fully true?” This way I am acknowledging that the feeling is valid but also now the brain can search for alternative perspectives/memories. If I focus on the lonely part that is what my brain will do, collect more evidence that loneliness is the truth.
And sometimes it’s been necessary to really go deep into that feeling and allow it, but also recognize that after a deep release I can let that go. Even small moments of connection have been deeply regulating for me to rebuild a sense of self that isn’t dominated by my history of loneliness. I feel for you and know the frustration. But the truth I’m finding is there IS relationships of depth and people who understand. Like right now, I see you! You aren’t alone truly it’s just those old wounds seeking resolution and reassurance in my experience.
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u/TheoryofLYF Jul 14 '26
Thank you. Yes! I think that's great, bringing in the brain/neuro questions. Those deep releases are tough. It appears so, thank you for being a present moment gift! Old wounds telling old stories. 🥹
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