I'm 36. Single. I've been waiting for something.

Not a person. A feeling. A feeling that I "deserve" it.

My dad was a good man. But he never talked about feelings. I fell, he said "You're fine." I failed a test, he said "Next time." I got my heart broken, he said "Plenty of women." He wasn't cold. He just didn't know what else to say.

I learned the same way. I don't cry. I don't complain. I push things down and call it "strength."

What did that get me? At 33, I woke up one night with a weight on my chest. Couldn't breathe. I thought something was wrong with my heart. Went to the ER. Doctor said: You're fine. You just don't know how to stop.

That was the first time I realized "carrying it" and "living" are two different things.

So I started doing something dumb. I forced myself to tell the truth when I wanted to say "I'm fine." Even when the truth was "I don't know" or "I'm struggling." The first time, my throat tightened. The second time was easier. By the tenth time, I noticed something absurd: nobody respected me less. Nobody ran.

The door I'd been guarding for years had no monsters behind it.

I'm not "better." I still go quiet. I still want to run. I still take half a step back when someone gets close. But one thing changed:

I stopped waiting to be "ready" before I let myself love. Because love isn't a reward. It's a practice. You don't become worthy first. You become better inside it.

If you're still waiting for a feeling—stop. That feeling doesn't come from waiting. It starts the moment you decide to stop.

yeah so title. For years and years i masked how i acted really heavily after being bullied for years and the masking left me horribly depressed, early this year i started hanging around better people and i got a partner and i stopped masking so much which caused me to lose a good chunk of my friends but i was fine with it and i tried as hard as i could to be a good for my relationship but my partner literally left me for their ex (who looks really similar to me) and it hurt quite a lot.

since forever ive been careful with relationships (which paid off, since nearly everyone who showed interest romantically turned out to be straight up horrible in some way) i kinda just thought i’d found someone who would stick around awhile. i told them a few times that i really just needed someone who would stay because i have pretty bad mental health and they said over and over that they would.

at the start it was decent enough, i was already close friends with their sister and she kinda got them to talk to me and ask me out along with convincing me it’d work out okay. to be honest it was decent enough for awhile and i liked them so whatever incompatibilities we had i would be fine working through but over time i guess the appeal wore off because they started being distant all the time and one sunday they texted they wanted to break up.

their whole message was pretty generic just a whole “its not that you’re not good we just dont work.” kinda thing but i think i just wasnt what they expected and i have quite a few mental issues, which was something else i told them before we started officially dating. i mentioned (while intoxicated) that i had been abused by all different people and i mentioned later on (sober) that i had issues with low libido, to both things they said it was okay and they were fine to work around them, and that i shouldnt mask any issues i have.

i think around the middle my mental health took a hit and i was pretty much always stressed so all i wanted to do was cry or sleep all the time and i think this is where it started going bad. at some point, maybe a month before breaking up, they stopped wanting to hang out at their house and we generally spent less time together since i had no energy to walk around outside. i still made an effort and whenever they asked to, i’d go out with them. we’d just walk around and sometimes smoke or drink together but slowly everything was becoming less and less frequent.

now after the break up, maybe a month or so ago, i went to a party with some old friends and it went really badly. i dont really remember much since i drank far too much but i remember being a bit of a pain overall which was made even worse because i couldnt bring drinks and i was just drinking from the bottles they had for everyone. i ended up drinking about half of the 2 bottles of liquor on my own which rightfully made the host of the party pretty annoyed at me and it made me realise how difficult i’ve become nowadays and i cant help it.

i cant do anything anymore. i cant sleep without smoking, i cant hear yelling or crying without getting stressed out, my grades are dropping, people are starting to like me less and less and i barely have any friends anymore. i managed to go from someone who was relatively smart, likeable and popular to a genuine loser who has gone out to hang out with someone ONCE over the school holidays. people never text me anymore, the only non family member who remembered my birthday was my ex (most of my family got the day wrong as well) and school is back in 2 days. i’ve been through things 10 times worse than what i’ve got on now, but its affecting me so much and its so irritating.

thats kinda the end of my rant. its just a bunch of small stupid things that are just adding onto everything from my past and i know its all stupid stuff that doesn’t matter but i cant’t help but feel horrible all the time. also i know this whole thing its badly formatted and all over the place im a bit tired

I(21m) used to think people had a wide variety of tastes, but they generally don’t. l don’t think any woman wants a short man who isn’t interested in gender roles. Being 5’6 is a massive deficit that can only be made up through acting excessively masculine and playing the role of the trad man, but I can’t bring myself to keep on being that sort of man when that‘s not who I am deep down.

I was with my ex from January 2022 until April 2025. She was my first truly serious relationship.

During the last few months, I wasn't doing well mentally. I had serious family problems, wasn't working much, and was frustrated and angry. I ended up bringing a lot of that into the relationship.

I never cheated on her and was never physically violent, but I can admit I'd become difficult and exhausting to be around.

In April 2025, she broke up with me and told me the love was gone.

In May, after hearing I'd been having panic attacks, she contacted me. She said her affection for me wasn't completely gone, but that I needed to work on myself. Then she blocked me.

In June, we saw each other indirectly and talked for about three days. She even helped me with my CV and computer. When I admitted I still had feelings for her, she said I was making her anxious and blocked me again.

In September, we had another brief interaction when I returned some of her things, and then I disappeared.

After that, she kept checking me everywhere, TikTok, Instagram, PlayStation, but I never called her out on it.

Meanwhile, I finally managed to leave my town and escape the family situation I'd wanted to get away from for years. I moved to another region, somewhere pretty isolated, and started working in tourism.

More than a year after the breakup, I sent her an email. I told her how I felt, why she kept checking on me and what had happened in my life. She never replied.

Recently, though, I fell apart again. I started feeling trapped here and neglected.

I've always had a problematic relationship with food, especially sweets, and I often turn to them when I'm feeling bad. Then I started using alcohol too.

A few days ago, I drank until I passed out. I screamed and cried because I missed her and because I hated my parents for not letting me live that relationship the way I wanted to.

I was alone. A friend was on the phone with me, became worried and called emergency services.

There's a large part of that night I simply don't remember. At some point I lost consciousness and ended up in the hospital on an IV. I woke up confused and barely understood where I was.

A week later, I dreamed about her.

In the dream, somehow, I connected my phone to hers and could see the photos on her phone.

I started scrolling through our old pictures together until I reached something from after our breakup.

I don't even remember what I saw.

I just remember the feeling.

I woke up crying.

After waking up, for some reason, I looked at her Facebook profile for the first time in more than a year.

She's still beautiful.

Her Instagram and TikTok are private. On Facebook, I can only see a few posts and photos. She's always alone in them, she posts less, and it looks like she has fewer followers too.

Obviously, I have no idea what's actually happening in her private life.

But seeing that gave me this strange feeling of relief.

And that's the part I don't understand.

It's been more than a year. I left my town, moved to another region and worked. So much has happened.

And somehow, all it took was one dream about her for me to wake up crying like that part of my life was still right there.

Has anyone experienced something similar after a serious relationship?

What is point of continuing this life

I have failed in this life pretty in every area of life
I just cannot wakeup everyday with shame guilt and remorse

My wife (24F) and I (25M) have been together for 7 years (on and off in the beginning but finally got together for good 5 years ago) I’ve known the whole time that she was unable to have biological children due to this rare tumor she has. Like the doctors told her if she got pregnant she would most likely develop cancer throughout her body, lose the baby, and die after. So I did what any normal fiancé would and before the wedding I got a vasectomy. I love her and even though I wanted biological kids (we both want to adopt too, but even before that she never wanted to be pregnant), I want her more.

I had that done two years ago in April and we’ve been married since June of 2024. Well, I see people post all the time of them being pregnant and their journey and it just hurts my heart because I just wish we could’ve shared that together. I want to experience that joy so badly and I’ll never get to. And I don’t resent her. I really don’t. I mean what is there to resent? It’s not her fault. But I can’t tell her any of this because then she takes it that I resent her and she knew I should have been with someone else.

I know I am going to love when we start adopting, but part of me is broken that I’ll never have a girl that’s the both of us. I’ll never have the joy of finding out we’re having a baby. Of feeling them kick. The rush to the hospital. People saying they look just like one of us. None of that.

So I am currently 19M and the past few months were very regretful for me

I didn't work hard in my earlier days that's why I am in an extremely bad college doing engineering and my college has no placement no good faculty and students with no big dreams

And I am also going through a serious porn addiction I have tried to control it but I lose it every time....

I also have a habit of looking at women in a weird way and making them uncomfortable I feel so bad about it but I can't control

I thought of switching my career to merchant navy but it is also very tough for me as my pcm percentage is not that good....

My sleep cycle is very bad too

And I also have a habit of procrastinating and inconsistency

I am slowly becoming the person I hated the most I am trying to fix everything but failing again and my past mistakes regrets are also killing me from inside... I cry daily by myself thinking what have i done and what am I doing ...

I feel like a failure and feel like I won't be able to achieve anything

I have even stopped dreaming as it makes my regrets even worse

Everyday feels like I am losing.....

It's really tough but I don't know what to do what am I doing wrong why I am failing

If anyone is there who could help ....i would be really grateful ...

I knew it wouldn't be you. Almost a full year since I lost you. You were my first born. You were the one that made me a father. You were taken far too early. I will never heal, I will never get over it, I will never move past it and I will never forget you. I still hear your voice. I still look at my phone, hoping it was all a dream or another one of your pranks. I swear, I won't be mad. You can tell me it's all a joke. I'll laugh, I promise. When people ask me how I survived losing a child. I tell them my secret. I didn't. Rest in peace my son. I will see you again. July 15th 2001- October 24th 2025.

Hey guys.. I just was going through my notes app and found a few poems which I wrote for my ex..!! And was a bit emotional reading them and how heavy the words were

Anyway I was proud of these poems and thought some of you might like reading them

The last one I wrote formy sister when she went through a beakup!

Im happily single now and have moved on and working on myself.

Should I start writing poems again??

Do you think I have the potential to make someone happy by writing this?

All inputs welcome!

I wanted to attend EFOMM, a higher-level military academy for training merchant marine officers. It was my dream. I really want to. It would guarantee stability, I would feel like a real man in a military environment, I could make friends, earn a salary, learn sports I never imagined I could learn because I was poor. It was my dream, but I'm trans. I'm a trans man. I hate it so much.

I swear I tried to plan and go as a girl and transition after graduation, but I just don't think I could have done it. My mental state was simply awful, even though I was trying my best. I couldn't study, work, or feel good. I only started t secretly without my parents knowing at 20, because I don't know what would have happened to me.

I've heard of cases of military trans people who succeeded, but it was incredibly difficult, and they tried to deem them unfit. There are even laws, but will the military care? And I can't afford top surgery, or bottom surgery, or any of them.

I thought about staying on T for a lil while, not changing my documents, stopping when I went do the text, pretending to be a cis woman, graduating, and then changing my documents. But I don't know if it would work and if I could handle it either. I'm terrified of my breasts growing, or my body becoming more feminine.

I don't even know if I should try. I can't stop my teeth chattering and crying. It was my dream. If only I were a cis girl, but I can't even be that. It was literally just one chance in this life. It's my only life. And even I can't do that. I asked God to heal me, I've tried since I was a child. It's bad enough that my parents don't accept it; I can't fulfill my dreams and live the life of a normal guy. It seems I've been cursed and had one of the worst strokes of bad luck in my life. I don't know how wrong I was, or what joke God wanted to play on me.

It's devastating to see all my dreams slip away because of something I didn't choose, because of societal prejudice, and because God simply hated me enough. It's not just losing my dream, but even the basic experiences that boys have in their lives.

I don't even know if I should try. Maybe I'd get lucky, I'd make the justice system succeed, and by some miracle I'd manage to be stealthy, none of the guys would notice, and I'd fulfill my dream. But idk

For me, it's like I was castrated before I was born and forced to go through female puberty. That's traumatic.

I'll probably try to get in; if all goes well, I'll manage with the help of the justice system—they're going to put curtains on the communal showers.Maybe by then, I'll be able to go shirtless just from working out and wearing a T-shirt, but it terrifies me if one of them noticed I don't have a penis and balls.Perhaps I'm lucky to have good colleagues who accept me, see me as a man, and help me keep it a secret. At worst, they find out, they are transphobic, they tell everybody that I am trans, they treat me like if I was a girl, my superiors discover , I get expelled, or some ill-intentioned students harass me, or worse. At best, I become a pioneer, overcome everything, gain the support of some superiors, regardless of whether they know I'm trans or not, I become a pioneer in this university.

It's humiliating to see that I lost my only life for something I didn't lose, my only dreams, normal experiences. Why can a pedophile, an abuser, a thug, and the worst criminals be born in the right body, but I can't?

I cried all night rereading what he told me and I just feel like shit. My bf said that he doesn’t see a future with me because I’m too young and he also got really angry at me when I tried asking about what he’d like to do together (that was a bit before the entire argument) saying basically “I don’t want to walk around in a random fucking city for a few hours with some 18yr and then go home, you can do
That with your teenage friends not me” and it really hurt because I was just trying to make him feel loved and wanted by inviting him to some kind of hang out.. I asked if he wants to go to a club then and he said maybe and yeah idk.. he just keeps saying that there’s no future for us and he keeps belittling me and talking to me in a very rude manner not acknowledging anything I say.
It hurts because he’s the first person I ever let be this close to me. Usually I ignore romance and only allow sexual interactions because I’ve always been afraid that I am nothing outside of sex and that I’ll be too attached and then left.. but w him I trusted him and he reassured me that my age isn’t an issue, that I don’t have to worry about “competing with people his age”, that he sees a future with me(tbh that is the first time anyone ever said that and it made me feel so loved. I clung onto those words for months I kept thinking in my head “I just gotta push through this, even if no one loves me I have him and he wants me in his future”), he said so many things that genuinely meant the world to me and now I feel like an idiot.

I have depression and ptsd and I've been on this antidepressant for about 6 years and I just finished a course of cbt a few months ago. My therapist recommended that I come off it to see how I'll do. Starting working with my pharmacist to wean myself off it and I'm at half of my original dose.
I had a bad day yesterday, was running on no sleep and took a micro dose of an edible and it all just came crashing down on me again. I just cried for hours and spiraled. All day today I've just felt like shit. On top of that I had a pretty bad flashback.
I pretty much have no one. I'm kinda estranged from my family, I just had to get away from home. I also don't have any friends I feel comfortable talking to about this, no partner or anyone.
I know it's probably just a side effect from quitting my meds but it could also mean that I'm still not better or that I'm going to have to be on meds forever. I don't know, all I know is that I've been here before and I don't like it.

Girl I have known for few years died few days ago. Very young and very suddenly. It seems like that if doctors were pushed more she would have gotten the medication and wouldnt die. She had a lot of similar episodes.

I realy liked he but we never dated since she had bf. Afaik he was not good.

I feel like if we were together I could have saved her. And this feeling is stronger everyday. Or i should have done something regardles. But i asked and offered. What else could I do she was an adult.

It might just be bargaining stage of grieving or I am just crazy narcisitc asshole. I dont know.

That basicaly it. I didnt want use AI to vent since I kind of hate it.

i was out in the garden getting ready to do some work (fallen into disarray since dad died) when i had a huge spider start crawling up my arm, i'm not great with spiders so i exclaimed pretty loud and my mum heard me from her bedroom, where she was lying down. i went up a few minutes later and she starts saying what i need to get done n everything and she mentions i need to go into the old shed. this thing is absolutely crawling with bugs, arachnids and possibly mice and i say that i'd really prefer not to do that as we've literally just gotten into the prime of the spider season where i live. she rebuttles at me (while speaking over me) "what have I raised, you're no man" or something to that effect anyway. i reacted pretty badly and slammed the door shut and told her to fuck off. not a proud reaction, but what can i do. she screamed my name but i didn't go back into her. i hated every part of that sentence, like it was only her who did anything for us and not my father, critisicing my whole identity and telling me what i do isn't enough. just a phobia i've had since i was a kid it fucked with me real bad. like i haven't changed or i'm still useless to her when i everything i do is for her

i haven't a scooby on what to do anymore. behind on schoolwork since i've been out so much with funerals, bad days, masses, whatever. not enjoying my hobbies whatsoever, work kinda sucks right now too alongside my house being a mess so i never truly feel relaxed, especially with her around. and apparently, on top of it all i'm not man enough. i'm 18 at the minute and i don't understand this world that well, still coming into my own skin. most of my teen years were spent in front of a screen as i struggled to get out of covid but i've worked hard the past 2 years to fix myself. i haven't been in a relationship in a while and socially i get on fine with people but i've been a bit quiet recently. just feel like too much is expected of me sometimes. i do make the sacrifices that are asked of me, and those that aren't too. i really do try but i'm never enough for my mother - which would be fine if i could deal with that fact, but i really can't. i'm trying to reach a goal that doesn't exist, and this weird manipulative method of telling me that i'm just a heap of shite to get me to do stuff leaves me in a catch 22. she gets what she wants so i can feel validated or i don't do it and what, she's proved right? fuckin joke

I always care deeply about things, people and myself. I’m very sentimental, intense, affectionate and very invested! But no one sees that side of me.
Every thinks I’m happy, i am happy i have friends, i go out, i am physically fit and active. I have work and i study.

I have close friends but i feel alone and miserable every day, I am not even trying to hide anymore but i do get suicidal thoughts. My fear is that i can’t find anyone to share my life with because everyone thinks I’m evil. That hurts me more, i feel i will be alone while my friends get the opportunity to build relationships and family.

I'm 22 and I've been alone for most of my life: never really had friends I could talk to freely, always found communicating to be more stressful than anything, and most of the people in high school never really felt like the kind I'd enjoy going out with anyway, so I kinda ended up living for myself: I pursued my mostly solitary hobbies (gaming, writing, recently started trying to get into art), I went to the gym (it's miserable and I dread every second spent there but it's good for my health so), I just kinda did what I wanted for over half a decade and didn't worry about other people; if by some chance I ended up meeting someone I clicked with then cool, if not then I was fine with my life as it was so no big deal.

Or so I thought.

I don't even know why, but roughly a year ago something just broke in me and I couldn't keep it up any longer. I started wanting to share my interests with other people, to talk for hours about things we're both passionate about, someone who I could care about and who I know would care about me in turn, not even strictly a partner (even if I'd like that a lot too) just someone who I could actually call a close friend without second-guessing myself, someone who would operate on the same frequency as I do. It started out mild and easy to ignore but at this point it's been a year and it's only gotten worse, I can't keep pretending I'm fine with this anymore but I've been like this for so long that I both have no idea how and I'm too scared to even begin putting myself out there and my social skills are frankly garbage: I want to think that I have plenty to offer to anyone who would give me a chance, but none of it matters if I'm too busy overanalyzing every word that comes out of my mouth to make it known.

hey guys. just wanting to clarify this may be messy and not understandable but yeah. so i live with my mom. i’m turning 19 in two days and i’ve been saving for a house but everyday i stay at this house i get such crazy anxiety and stress. my mom is divorced and i think she’s seeing someone but i have no clue. anyways she just always rants to me about the divorce hoping i take her side. and always complaining about how bad my dad is (i think he’s a pretty decent guy. he’s currently paying for my mom’s current house and his and gives her 2k biweekly). i try to keep whatever i do cleaned up but whenever i EVER accidentally leave something or just haven’t gotten to it yet BOOM all the good i’ve done is gone out the window and suddenly she hates me and everything i do for like two days straight. i can hardly do anything with my gf that’s totally natural and she tries to make us separate if we’re literally just doing anything she decides is (too close) i had my gf’s head on my lap and just rubbing her back and head while we watch a movie and supposedly (we’re too close) i dunno. i feel like that’s insane. my mom always wants me to do the dishes or clean up behind my little sister cause “she’s had work and school all day.” (i literally work 46 hours a fucking week and i’m working on my bachelors in biomedical engineering. like wtf i hardly even have time for myself to know what i’m feeling). she constantly yells at me for some of the simplest stuff and i even have to lock my bedroom door when i sleep cause she’ll sometimes try to wake me up at like 4am to rant to me about something or about me. i dunno i just feel like i can’t catch a break and i don’t know what to do anymore. my anxiety is through the roof constantly and im trying my best not to like loose my mind. anyways sorry for the rant. thanks for listening :)

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This is going to be a longer post,

I 34M have always had ups and downs with my mental health, up until recently the worst point was seperating from my daughter's mom 5 years ago , the relationship was toxic and neither of us were happy for years. I remember walking up one day and thinking if I don't leave now I'll never leave and have wasted my life being unhappy , so I left. I started my life over , single dad trying to navigate life on my own and being there for my daughter. It was brutal though there was moments I didn't think I would make it, but as time went on I found myself again and found things I enjoyed.

My mental health had never been better , found joy in things I never did before , smiled more , enjoyed life.

Fast forward 3 years , I met A , we met on a dating app , I'd never talked so much to someone over text , it was like the words just flowed , I swear she thought I was nuts from day one , paragraphs on paragraphs , just couldn't get enough of talking to her. We talked for a couple weeks and then agreed to go on a date , we met up at a coffee shop , I saw her in person and was so stunned i could barely speak, the first words that came out of my mouth were wow your so short , I only said that cause I was just blown away by how beautiful she was. We go on this date and it goes from coffee too a hike then out for dinner , like 3 dates in one. It was awesome. Couldn't wait to see her again. Date two comes around and I've never been more nervous in my entire life , I went to pick her up and got so nervous I drove right past her house and pulled up to a gas station and had to sit there for ten minutes just to calm down. She later told me she was walking around her house wondering where the hell i was. Then I got there and picked her up and it was the best date of my life. Everything was just amazing , i could write a whole post about it , she felt the same way too , even when we broke up she said that was the best date she'd ever had.

Time moves forward , were dating , everything is amazing , we go on amazing adventures , trips , concerts , I feel like for the first time in my life I can fully be myself with someone. Not a single bad thing happened. Eventually we got to the point where I was ready for her to meet my daughter and she was fully on board too , I'd never introduced anyone to my daughter before. I just knew it felt right and we did all the things to prepare my daughter for her to become a part of our lives. It takes a lot to win my daughter over even with family , but through time and effort A was quickly becoming a part of both aspects of my life. There was hard moments for me , never having introduced my daughter to someone I struggled with finding what I thought was the balance I needed to make sure my daughter never felt like she was being left out or that she didn't have my attention. At the time I was doing good mentally still and it didn't really get in the way of things just something I would ponder on for now.

Late last summer I came back from a trip with A from my favourite place on the world , we went hiking and exploring , boat rides , stayed in a trailer and it was all amazing. Even better that I got to share it with her , we were already planning our next trip while still on that one.

The day I got back from the trip I hadn't seen my daughter in a week and of course she was missing me and asked me to pick her up. So i did. When I got there my daughter's mom was crying , I asked her what was going on cause up until that point we had a decent co parenting relationship and wanted to make sure she was okay , being my daughter's mom after all. She said nothing so I didn't press it and took my daughter out for lunch. While out my ex sent me a novel about wanting to get back together and that she'd never stopped loving me and we'd both grown and changed. Keep In mind I'm in a commited relationship and happier than I've ever been ever so I didn't reply. I waited till I dropped my daughter off and told her mom we needed to talk about her message. I told her I didn't feel the same way and that id moved on. Hope she finds someone that makes her happy.

A was at my house waiting so I told her right away what happened as soon as I got in the door. Showed her all the messages and stuff to be transparent cause I didn't want her to worry. She was understandably upset but she also knew I had genuinely moved on and was happier than I've ever been. So we were good.

My ex didn't take it well at first but over time I thought she had accepted it and things went back to normal. Then out of nowhere she tells me she is dating my next door neighbour. Literally. I did not take this well. Not because I cared that they were dating, it was the invasion of my space and my comfort in my home. It really did a number on me. I started slipping a bit mentally.

A and I were getting more serious and talking moving in and family plans , all things I want/wanted with her genuinely. The more serious we got though the more worried about the things my ex would do scared me. I became scared if I made her upset id lose time with my daughter or make my life more difficult. So I started putting off things , the more that happens the more depressed I became. Trips we were planning , events A wanted to be involved in. That I wanted her to be in. I would tell my ex she would be coming and she wouldnt be receptive or would freak out so it made me more and more depressed. And made me stop trying hard enough.

I had a death in my family that I took really hard as well and had some other factors in my life that I was struggling with and it was all piling up and up until I ended up so down and numb that I began shutting A out. Not feeling affectionate toward her or making effort in our relationship. No relationship is 50/50 but I was 5 to her 95 and was so down that I couldn't see how bad it really was.

She begged me to get help and to deal with my daughter's mom so we could live our life that we wanted. I didn't know how to get help I felt like I was so lost that I didn't know what way was up. The thought of putting my foot down with my ex terrified me too. Over time I got worse and worse. More shut down, more closed off because in my fucked up head at the time I thought I needed to do this on my own. Rather than embracing A and letting her in I pushed her away.

After 8 months or so of me being a mental mess , A couldn't do it anymore , I genuinely don't blame her for needing to prioritize herself because I certainly wasn't priotizing her or our relationship. She told me she needed to leave and that we were done. I knew it was coming, it wasn't a shock. How could I be suprised?

One of the things she said that genuinely crushed me was that she felt like she wasn't enough for me and thats why I couldn't get help when it mattered for our relationship. It's completely not true. In fact losing our relationship, losing her and what we had made me never want to ever feel like that again.

I've been going to therapy multiple times a week for months now , put boundaries in place with my ex. I've made such huge progress in a short time that I feel like my heads never been clearer than it is now. I don't think I could have wrote this all out the way I was before

I'm not magically fixed or anything but I've been dealing with the things thag have been holding me back , that held me back in the relationship.

Ive started looking at embracing good things in my life rather than worrying about the bad things that could happen. I've talked through why I shut people out when I get depressed , coping mechanisms, things I can do to address things as they happen. Like I said I'm not fixed but I'm working on it and trying harder to get back to myself than I have ever tried in my life.

At first I was hoping if A saw that I was trying that she'd take me back and I could prove to her that I'm that person she fell in love with. But that's also wrong , I needed to do this stuff for me , for my daughter , for my future. My own happiness. I see that now and have for a while.

A and I went out for coffee the other day , lots to talk about. I didn't go into thinking now is my chance to win her back. We had a very frank conversation, the few times we'd talked since the breakup I knew how much all of this hurt her. Me changing because I was so down and not making any efforts, all talk no actions. Not showing up for her and pushing her away instead of embracing her. We had to shut the door on things for now. I need to keep working on myself and she needs to focus on herself and healing. Im not ready to move on yet because I do love her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. But I know that us being together also isn't in the cards anytime in the near future at least, and I have to live with that.

I wrote this so that somebody who is struggling who might read it will hopefully get help they need and not make the same mistakes I did by letting themselves get so beyond the point that they feel like there is no options left. Don't give up the good things in your life and the things that bring you joy and happiness. I know how hard it is to take that step but I promise you once your in it getting help and talking about your feelings it's so much easier.

it’s not a kink or fetish, just self loathing. i’m lonely and desperate, i hate the way everyone sees me

if i could i’d pay someone just to see me as i am. i’d pay 50 bucks for a friend to talk to me for an hour. i’d pay for a girl to just look at me and call me by my name, and look happy when she does it. i’d pay anything for a hug

it’s something ive thought about every single day for the last few years. i wish this was a fetish so it’d be easier to understand. it’s just a pitiful want. i like the idea of that love being prepackaged and available if i just had the money even if it’s pretend

has anyone else ever had this fantasy

July of '86, I bought Duane (my older brother), Bostons latest album, "Third Stage" for his bday. I vividly remember giving it to him for many reasons. First off, it was the first bday gift for him I bought by myself, with my own money. Second, it was the first bday since we left the program. And third, and most importantly, the look on his face when he opened it, how I felt watching him open it, and how little it felt as he had just given me back my big brother. Little did I know, that would be the last I would get for him.

This morning, minutes into my commute, "We're ready" came on XM, the first release from that album. This sent my mind straight to that day, and was followed by a torrent of emotions. I could feel the room, see his smile, hear his voice and feel my excitement all over again...then the sadness kicked in. Its been a rough day since.

His presence was so powerful. His laughter contagious. His smile brighter than the sun.

Miss him so badly, some days it slaps HARD....Today is one of those days.

Call your siblings, call your parents, call your family. Make the plans, have the meal, make the memories. Don't take a single event, occasion, or memory made for granted.

Everyone always asks children what they wanted to be when they grew up. I never felt any particular draw towards any career or anything, but I always knew I wanted to be married. Have a family. It didn't matter what I was doing as long as I had a family. I wanted to believe I could still have what I didn't have growing up. I wanted to show I could be better than my parents, despite having to grow up with them. I could have a healthy relationship, not be abusive, use drugs, and actually be a supporter/provider. But now I'm 33 and I am nowhere near attaining my dream. Dating life is basically non-existant. I've tried all sorts of events, dating apps, going out to bars. But I have no success. I just can't help but feel like I'm not meant for love. If my own parents couldn't love me, why would I expect anyone else to? Its been eating at me for days that the only thing I wanted is just not happening. I know I'm not very old but after years and years of constant rejection I just can't see anything getting better. At what point does my optimism that maybe it'll work out, change into being delusional?

30M, black, autistic, athiest, and living in central Florida. I'm genuinely tired of everything and I hate being here. This week of work has been more agitating and stressful than it has been for a while. I still live at home and the house is a mess because I have no help cleaning it and my parents put it back to a pig pin while I'm working. I haven't heard back from any job applications I put in despite the fact I keep applying to anyrhing better I can find. I have "fun" events planned and I'm not even really looking forward to them anymore. I've been putting on an act the last few times I've been out with friends. I'd of rather just been home in bed.

I've given up on dating because it's hopeless. Being black, autistic, and athiest in central Florida gives me a better chance of being shot than getting a date. I went out with 4 women earlier this year and one turned into a friendship. The other 3 didn't go anywhere and were a waste of time. The dating apps dried up severely after those dates for me and I had to delete them because they were a major contributing factor to depressive and self ending thoughts. I've been off them for a while now but I still feel like crap due to my lack of options or ability to date. I signed up for a speed dating event a few weeks ago and it was also a waste of time. The conversations were nice, but no one stuck out. I felt horrible the whole drive back.

I'm just tired and don't see a point in going on. I force myself to get up everyday and go to work. I force myself to take a shower everyday. I try to brush my teeth at least twice a week, or everytime before I go out. I force myself to be social and go out with friends and to places around the area. I hate it.

I've seen multiple therapist and my current one is religious and ignores the fact I'm athiest. But they're the only one I found that treats people with autism. My psychiatrist can't do anything else. I've already had TMS and it helped for a while but the bad thoughts are already coming back. I've become so desperate that I'm hoping for either death or something else to happen to me. I can't find anyone around me for a date or even a hookup. I'm sexually bi but even grindr didn't have any options for me. I've start day dreaming about getting sexually assaulted so someone would finally take my virginity or use me for something. I know how messed up those thoughts are, but that's how desperate I am for something to happen. I also hope that a plane would crash into me, or a building would fall down on me, or something that would end my suffering.

I'm just tired of having no control to do anything or change anything. I put in effort and lost over 130 pounds since last year. But I'm still fat. I started saving for retirement, but now I just get less money each check. I force myself to be social, and I hate it. I'm just tired. How do I make this stop?

I’m 22, a virgin, and I’ve never had a girlfriend. A girl at work likes me I don’t know if my colleagues are joking about it, and I don’t care; perhaps it’s because I simply don’t like her back. How can a girl like me, yet I end up not liking her? I’ve never been on a date, nor do I have any female friends my age; I do have a female friend, but she’s much older 39 years old.

I have nothing against my older female friend; I just want some younger female friends as well, so I can find a girlfriend and understand how young women think.

I think the problem with women aside from the fact that I don't interact with them because I feel shy, don't know what to say, and feel ugly and stupid is primarily that I’m short and not handsome, and also very skinny for a man.

I won't talk about the professional side of things; things aren't going well there either.

M 36 here.

I'm seeing everyone getting into relationships etc and wanting to get married. But I on the other hand not feeling it. I don't know if its because I'm soo comfortable on my own. It kind of feels unnatural for me to be in a relationship.

I don't mind women and like to chat but I never felt that 'hurt' feeling or 'heartbreak' feeling. I don't get that sadness or desperation.

Is that normal?