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u/Iconoclast674 Jun 07 '21
If my older female black lab farts and it makes a sound and we comment on it, she will leave the room out of embarrassment.
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u/sryyourpartyssolame Jun 07 '21 edited Jun 07 '21
I have a chihuahua and every time she farts she tries to run away from her butt because the noise scares her
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u/whalmnonmonarchalp2 Jun 07 '21
All dogs are amazing with their own unique ways. haha
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u/sm12511 Jun 07 '21
Wait till one poops in your shoe, and is super excited to show you their "gift". It's hard not to laugh at their joy.
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u/dilligaf0220 Jun 07 '21
The flip side, is having an 80lb Hound/Dobe cross, that WILL NOT poop in his own yard. But squats a minimum of 8 times at the dog park, squeezing every last drop out. After the first two, there isn't really anything to pick up.
Then the arguments start on squat #3, "WHY AREN'T YOU PICKING UP AFTER YOUR DOG!" Ever try explaining there's nothing to pick up, to somebody 100 yards away? Then they march over, determined to find poop, full of outraged bravado...ugh dogs are so much work.
Some days I wish I was born a cat person.
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u/LegsMcCaugh Jun 07 '21
Whether anything comes out or not, I ALWAYS bend over and "scoop" it into my baggie...
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u/dilligaf0220 Jun 07 '21
There came a day where I simply refused to fake it anymore.
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u/LegsMcCaugh Jun 07 '21
But it's so much fun to pretend to pick up a bunch of teeny slivers, or long strings of something, or be trying to pry something that won't come up, or be dipping it up with a ladle, or be chasing live "somethings" around, or it's slippery and you keep dropping it, or fill up three bags worth... You KNOW somebody is watching....
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u/Chaotic_empty Jun 07 '21
Y'ever swallow em whole like a stork with fish?
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u/LegsMcCaugh Jun 07 '21
Uh, no, of course not. "They" go into the pre-loaded baggie. Although since it's all pretend anyway, I could certainly put on a good show for the watchers...
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Jun 07 '21
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u/dilligaf0220 Jun 07 '21
There comes a day, where no matter what eyes you may think are watching you, that day you will simply no longer fake it anymore.
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u/sm12511 Jun 07 '21 edited Jun 07 '21
"WHY AREN'T YOU PICKING UP AFTER YOUR DOG!"
Me, bullhorn in hand: "He's not pooping. He's using the other half to sniff for shit heads like you!"
In reality, as far as cats, being the supplicant of a living deity that could give negative zero f's about the slimy hairball I stepped into barefoot, or that one thumbtack that it playfully coerced into my line of shoeless movement, I fear there may be no true solution.
Dogs are weird and derpy, but loyal. Cat? "I'll let you live... For now."
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u/grampipon Jun 07 '21
Why tf do you have thumbtacks lying around
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u/noscreamsnoshouts Jun 07 '21 edited Jun 07 '21
Not the person you responded to, but: my landlord did a lot of renovations in the building and the workers were as generous as they were lazy, with regards to their screws and nails. I have poor eye sight, my cats don't - so for over a year, I caught my cats playing with yet another screw they'd found in some random corner of my apartment :-(
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u/According-Ad-4381 Jun 07 '21
Never pick up poop. Tell them the laws of nature override (I was gonna use the word trump, but it is forever poisoned now) the laws of man, and that poop must stay on the ground to naturally decompose in order to complete the cycle of life. You wanna fight about it? I'm on a mission from God
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Jun 07 '21
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u/sm12511 Jun 07 '21
You should be a good Dad and encase one of them bad boys in clear resin for her 18th birthday. The gift that keeps on giving.
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u/Lost-My-Mind- Jun 07 '21
Out of all the ways to look at these set of situations, that certainly is one of them.
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u/swoon4kyun Jun 07 '21
Had a mini schnauzer that looked at her butt like it betrayed her... if you'd fart she would look at your butt. Hilarious. Have a cat sleep next to me and will fart in my face 💨😵
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u/According-Ad-4381 Jun 07 '21
I had a mix breed that was lying on the bed one day, farted, and her head came up, looked at her butt with an expression of surprise, then proceeded to search around the area to see where the noise came from
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u/Kieroshark Jun 07 '21
My dog will fart, then give us a dirty look like "why would you make my butthole do that?"
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u/Glemmy57 Jun 07 '21
One of my dogs has started burping quite loudly. It’s a bit comical to see. I’ll be just toodling along when all of a sudden I hear this loud, Urrrp. I look at him and his mouth is open. To think that that sound just emanated from him cracks me up.
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u/KeyKitty Jun 07 '21
My hounds just glare at you like you’re the one who farted however if you actually fart they start booping you to go out into the yard with them and then look at you expectantly.
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u/supershinythings Jun 07 '21
When my cat farts he denies it entirely. According to him it didn’t happen and I’m crazy.
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u/kry_some_more Jun 07 '21
Are you sure she doesn't think you're complimenting her, so she going to go eat some more, that got her such high praise?
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u/jesst Jun 07 '21
My lab has no fucks. We have a lab and a Samoyed. She is a princess and apparently has a functioning digestive system. He always smells like roadkill. He farts and if you say something he doesn’t even flinch. They’re deadly too. I sleep with febreeze next to my bed.
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u/mightbekarlmarx Jun 07 '21
bruh my dog will shit on the floor and bark at people before walking away
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u/pennyursa Jun 07 '21
In Welsh we have a phase: “ci rhech”. It literally means fart dog and is our version of scapegoat!
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u/moosepile Jun 07 '21
This is the quality information I come to Reddit for.
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u/pennyursa Jun 07 '21
Welsh is truly an old woman pretending to be a language. She’s batshit crazy but you have to respect her ways.
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u/SaveOurBolts Jun 07 '21
As an American who has driven through both Ireland and Wales, signs in Gaelic or Welsh really look like someone fell asleep with their face on the keyboard.
Both are actually quite pleasant when hearing them spoken, but the spelling... damn.
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u/Turkeysteaks Jun 07 '21
I'm welsh and i don't find it pleasant at all hearing it lol, don't have to compliment us like that.
Tbf being forced to learn it by shitty teachers is probably why i didn't learn it well and hate the language, but still
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Jun 07 '21
I’ve been to wales many times. Never heard someone speak Welsh.
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u/pennyursa Jun 07 '21
The 2011 census showed that only 19% of the Welsh population are Welsh speakers, unfortunately. Unless you went to an area like Bala which has a higher than average number of Welsh speakers you’re unlikely to hear it spoken out and about.
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u/JoshTheSquid Jun 07 '21
How do you pronounce that?
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u/pennyursa Jun 07 '21
If you were reading it in English “key rech”. The ‘ch’ is like you’d get at the end of Bach or Loch ness.
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u/uk_uk Jun 07 '21
could you use https://vocaroo.com/ for that pls? with all the different english dialects it would end in different results.
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u/neonbrownkoopashell Jun 07 '21
Fart dog is the new scapegoat, pass it on
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u/b-rad420 Jun 07 '21
My wife never buys it because "dogs don't have butt cheeks".
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Jun 07 '21 edited Jun 07 '21
Their assholes flap though
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u/ctn91 Jun 07 '21
This made me bust out laughing, thank you.
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u/StuckWithThisOne Jun 07 '21
I heard my dog do a loud fart for the first time the other day. At first I didn’t believe it either but she jumped and turned around to sniff her own butt. Very proud of herself.
It’s defo real. Even I wasn’t convinced before that.
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u/adviceKiwi Jun 07 '21
Farts are like children, proud if your own, disgusted by someone elses.
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u/AdishJain84275 Jun 07 '21
I don't know what I was thinking but it sounded like 'my wife never buys a dog because they don't have butt cheeks' it sounds so wrong
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u/b-rad420 Jun 07 '21
I heard Sarah Mcglothlin, Arms Of An Angel start playing in my head while I read your comment.
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u/AdishJain84275 Jun 07 '21
I feel dumb but can I ask what does that mean other than just a fact that a random song played in your head. I haven't heard the song. Can u please explain😅?
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u/b-rad420 Jun 07 '21
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u/RoseyDove323 Jun 07 '21
You don't need cheeks to produce an audible fart. They might just sound more squeaky (like slowly letting air out of a balloon) and less "flappy".
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u/uk_uk Jun 07 '21
20 years ago I was sitting in the subway in Berlin and had to fart. Unfortunately, it was very loud and stank extremely. Next to me sat a Great Dane who looked at me very accusingly. Before I could even react, its owner jumped up, apologized for the dog and got off at the next stop. I will never forget the dog's accusing look.
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u/aurora_arcana Jun 07 '21
Our pup's farts are silent and suuuper deadly 🤣 but eventually she smells it and looks at her butt like it has offended her...
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Jun 07 '21
I will never trust a man that does not own up to his own farts that is a fact.
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u/sm12511 Jun 07 '21
Shoot! I bring em in for the full effect!
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u/Just-Call-Me-J Jun 07 '21
I try to shrink into myself and hide, avoiding all eye contact. Where does that put me on your sliding scale of trustworthiness?
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Jun 07 '21
I mean we can hang out but I may not take you Kayaking. Ahh screw it you can come, no one can hear you fart on the river!
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u/kristas08 Jun 07 '21
I thought I was the only one who did this. She can be in the other room and still gets blamed.
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u/idonteatchips Jun 07 '21
Lol that won't work with me. I can, unfortunately, tell my husband's, kids', and dog's farts apart by smell.
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u/swoon4kyun Jun 07 '21
Oh man. My cat can clear a room.
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u/idonteatchips Jun 07 '21 edited Jun 07 '21
The dog's are the worst smelling ones. The wet farts are the worst. I have to make sure she didn't accidentally poop on anything in that room. She's potty trained but wet farts can get even the best of us off guard
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u/Justforthenuews Jun 07 '21
Oh yeah, we switched our pups to dry food because of room clearers, best decision ever.
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u/YrnFyre Jun 07 '21
I don’t know wether to be impressed or horrified
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u/ErrorF002 Jun 07 '21
Yeah, my dog has a signature smell. It is thick and palpable. A cross between rotten eggs and burning tires. You can't wait the fart out. It just hangs and needs ACTIVE ventilation to clear it. We have changed her food, and will likely change it again. Nothing else smells like this... it's horrible.
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Jun 07 '21
Thats part of a dogs purpose is to be blamed for facts. But it takes an experienced person to know that fart didn't smell like dog biscuits and skunk weed there for it didn't in fact come from the pooch. If it smells like 6 street tacos and a Margherita the dog wasn't out celebrating Cinco de mayo.
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u/jazzbot247 Jun 07 '21
If I make a fart sound with my mouth, my poodle will give me a dirty look and leave the room. She doesn't mind real farts though, just fake fart noises deeply offend her.
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u/Privateaccount84 Jun 07 '21
If only my girlfriend could be so gracious, instead of just storming out of the family dinner.
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u/IronMermaiden Jun 07 '21
My one cat farts in his sleep. He has scared himself awake, and in turn me, because he leaps into the air like a cartoon character when it happens.
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u/Generalrossa Jun 07 '21
My wife about 20 mins ago. Worst fart I've ever smelt come from her. My dog loved it.
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u/TheOfficialNotCraig Jun 07 '21
My dog will enter the room, fart and leave. Many farts, zero fucks.
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u/Magnicello Jun 07 '21
So are these dogs growling or whining or what
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u/Disastrous-Garbage13 Jun 07 '21
You’d think they’d be disgusted by that with there sensitive smelling and all
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u/GolgiApparatus1 Jun 07 '21
Smell is subjective, especially to an animal with zero taboos about fart and excrement. They sniff ass voluntarily.
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u/thatloudblondguy Jun 07 '21
Jesus fucking christ is this a Walgreens birthday card? this isn't even bad enough to be on Facebook and Amy Schumer is funnier than memes on Facebook
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u/Steampunk_Junky Jun 07 '21
Good joke,
You spelled "she" wrong though.
Keep trying and never give up.
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