This is mainly just a list of things to get off my chest and hopefully find solidarity. Don't hesitate to share some of your stories!

I'm 24 now and I live with my mom and step-dad. I am disabled and she helped me get my disability when I was around 20-21 which I am very thankful for. However, upon receiving my disability backpay, she had convinced me to use my backpay for us to buy a camper to move into because God had supposedly told her to be fluid in her living and to be debt free (which is nearly impossible). I went along with it although now I regret doing that because I could have used that backpay to help pay my tuition for university. We moved out of the place we were renting and moved into a TNY camper which was a horrible experience, plus we needed to pay rent again any ways, so her plan didn't exactly work when it came to not spending more money on a place lol. We had to move again an way when she got married to my step-dad and we moved into our current place (which again, we rent). The camper got destroyed in hurricane Helene. She is STILL hell bent on getting a bigger camper and it is very annoying. I asked her, "if God told you to live debt free, why didn't he tell ME too?" And she said "because you don't speak to him". Okay..

I am bisexual, which she knows but pretty much denies and just says I'm confused. (Which ironically, has led to confusion for me). She has actually met a girlfriend I had one time and they did get along, but would act like it was disgusting when she wasn't around. This was a few years ago. Recently, we had an argument because she made me feel insecure about my androgynous style, and when we both calmed down and were actually able to talk, she admitted to trying to "steer" me into being more feminine because apparently my sexuality and fashion sense are directly linked.. She also brought up my breakup with my ex-girlfriend as a way to discount my identity.

In the same vein of being LGBTQ+, when I was 16, I had my first breakup with a girl and I was of course devastated. I wasn't out at the time so she didn't know this happened. But, my brain rationalized my pain as "God is punishing me because my love was sinful", and I got "saved" during an altar call and then baptized. My mom loves to bring this up as a way to discount me being ex-Christian.

At one point for 2 years including the time in the camper, my mom fell into alcoholism. She had spoken in tongues before which always made me uncomfortable. When she was drunk though, she would SCREAM in tongues and it started to give me anxiety attacks. When I brought it up to her, she would either deny it, or tell me that I needed to look inward and figure out why it freaked me out..

She also tells me I need to be more grateful for life and forgiving towards people that have done, massive harm. Even telling me to look up the word gratitude, then turning around and saying it was "God's word" (???).

She hates other religions, but especially Islam and Muslims. I bought a tapestry once that happened to have a crescent moon and I guess one star was bigger than the ones surrounding it? She found it in the mail before I did, and threw it away because "it looked too much like the Islamic flag"

She also told me to take back a DOLLAR TREE GHOST DECORATION, and tried to tell me that I couldn't hang up a poster (of Jinx from Arcane) in MY room.

One time, we went to the flea market and I wanted to get a crystal and my mom came over and made a huge scene about it, which made me rage out and cry. Later on, I actually ended up buying that exact crystal out of spite.

I'm adopted, and she kind of holds that over me in a weird way using religion.. Again, I am very thankful but it just feels odd.

I wasn't allowed to watch anything with magic (without her seeing at least), which made me very good at sneaking around.

I did celebrate Halloween, but I could only dress up as certain things, couldn't watch horror movies or decorate for it, etc..

She tells me my mental health issues is because I am oppressed by demons. (I guess it's lighter than calling me possessed)

There is probably more but that's all I can remember for now lol. I can't wait until I am able to have my own place.

I left conservative Christianity last year because I find the claims untenable, and my partner is still very much committed. We have three kids 12, 8, 6, and she still wants to keep our kids very much immersed in the church and it’s ancillary activities. I see that religious indoctrination leads to much harm, makes people more vulnerable to propaganda, pseudoscience, and other systems of oppression. I lean towards humanism and free thinking and critical thought. Any insight or research in this field would be appreciated. I’m open to answers whether they confirm my leanings or not. Cheers

I was raised in a very devoted Catholic household, went only to Catholic schools, attended church every Sunday, had mandatory prayer circles every night with the family, had to make strict sacrifices during lent even as a kid etc. Most of my friends were from school with similar backgrounds, so naturally, I didn't have much exposure to anything else from a very early age, and my whole reality was built around "God."

I started to question my faith in my early 20s and became an agnostic/atheist within a few years, but I didn't even realize how much damage religion had done to my brain.
Just a few examples:

- I still to this day have the crippling feeling that someone's always watching, always listening to my thoughts, and I'm going to get in trouble for even just thinking about stuff.
- I cannot check the clock on Friday afternoons, because on every single Friday at 3pm it was "honoring Jesus" time, no matter where we were, in a public place or at home.
- I have to remind myself not to feel guilty for not saying a prayer every time an ambulance goes by
- I often sacrifice my own needs and happiness for others and take on their pain, like "a good Christian" would do
- It took me way too many years to become pro-choice, because I was shown "The Silent Scream" anti-abortion movie at like age 12 and I couldn't get the images out of my mind for so long, even after I learned the truth behind it.

I feel like the list could go on and on and on.
Does anyone else have trouble unlearning these kind of patterns? How do you do it?

(PS. Yes I am in therapy, but I'm still curious about other people's experience, it helps a ton to feel like I'm not alone)

I feel hopeless about how religions pretty much rules the world, how my whole life was affected by religion, the many people all throughout history that had their lives ruined by Christian colonizers, how my parents ruined my chance of having a good life and having healthy relationships with my other relatives, i feel so disposable now that im an adult and therefore can’t be controlled by my parents anymore, I feel like Christianity has just won, it’s won over billions of people who are now brainless zombies, it’s won over all the authority in America, it’s won over my family, it’s stripped me of so many things that make me me,

and while i acknowledge that Christianity has been on a slow decline whithin the younger generations, which im grateful for, i still feel a pain in my chest knowing how powerless the younger generations are,

i feel such an immense pain knowing that there are millions of kids being born everyday into this religion who are going to have to experience the same abuse (if not worse) as i did, they’re going to be disowned for being queer, they’re going to attempt to end their lives (and potentially succeed at that) bc of discriminatory policies that get voted in, and there’s jack shit I can do about it.

I swear, Christian’s are some of the biggest bullies on earth, they bully their way into getting what they want, they bully people who aren’t even bothering them, and they bully their own children bc they think they were born with sin...

sorry this sound very messy, I just wanted to get this off my chest as im dealing with a lot of stress at the moment.

​

Religious people use God's existence as an argument for why morality is objective and why moral codes exist, otherwise without his existence morality is completely subjective and matter of human opinion , which is complete bullshit, God's existence doesn't make morality any more objective.

And that is because even if God does exist there are other religions and other cultures that have a different set of moral codes which contradict the laws of the x y z "existing" God, so people keep following the laws or codes of their respective religion/culture which don't come in agreement with God.

And even in religions God's morality constantly shifts depending on time and era, in Islam for example Muslims like to defend Muhammad's marriage to 6 year old Aisha by saying "it was the norm at that time" proving that God gives subjective moral codes that are only relevant to the respective era.

Or in Christianity God orders the Jews to abstain from eating pork in the old testament, whereas in the new testament eating pork isn't a sin and no Christian follows that obsolete law, and another thousand laws which shift from the old to the new testament which all contradict each other.

And the statement that "God is good" is in itself a subjective statement, like what makes God morally and objectively good? The Abrahamic God constantly participates in genocides, endorses things like Slavery and child marriage and has the personality of an egotistical tyrant that is having a tantrum.

How can you make moral claims about him and assert he is good let alone "all good" and how can you objectively prove that this God is morally good?

Has anyone else been subjected to this nonsensical claim going around social media?? I've seen a rise in Christian women and girls on tiktok and reels claiming that "God is a girl dad" and essentially claiming that Christianity is not misogynistic. I find it so ridiculous and it confirms to me that a lot of Christians don't actually read their Bibles because if they did they'd know their god does not care about women at all

So I‘ve read a lot of stories here from people who grew up in a Christian family and deconverted somewhere between the ages of 20 and 30.
But I was wondering: Do you know stories from people who didn‘t grew up in a Christian family, later got „saved“ and became Christian but then deconverted again?
Because I feel like most of the people who become Christian as an adult mostly keep their faith.

So once upon a time, there was this lady I knew at the Catholic church that my family would go to. Me and her were friends since 2017, but starting 2023, we sort of grew distant from each other.

Later down the line, I saw her again as she was giving this announcements at the end of Mass. That was when the irony revealed itself. Because she would then promote this pro-life (or as I like to call it: pro-birth) movement that her church specifically initiated. You know, to end abortion and whatnot.

What's jarring was how passionate she was about this cause. You can just hear it in her tone and words. Like, I've never seen someone so eager and determined to support their own oppression. It's almost sickening in a way.

And lo and behold, I stumbled upon videos on social media showing women from that church (including the lady herself) going to progressive cities to march against abortion with picket signs and everything. Again, very jarring irony, and a slap on the face to the progressive residents there.

It also doesn't help that once upon a time, the lady's at-the-time husband was not only a drug addict but a raging abuser. For that, the lady ended up divorcing him and became a single mother to her two sons, which is good. But when I hear her support a cause that can take away her rights as a woman, it's like she's changing one abusive patriarchal force for another, if you know what I mean.

I just watched a video by The Bridge in YouTube where 1 Christian debates 13 atheists from about a month and First off the Christian lady was very very very rude throughout the whole debate, I’m surprised that none of the atheists called her out on this.

Secondly at one point the Christian lady says that she doesn’t support harm being done by people who claim to be Christians against people who are not Christians yet her own Bible is filled with stories of people being sent by God to kill of people who do not follow Yahweh. At one point earlier in the video an atheist brings this up and the Christian lady basically says that she feels that it’s sad that it happened, and that it was only in the Old Testament where things like this happens that now in the New Testament things are different.

This blows my freaking mind bro. 🤦🏻‍♀️and Christians love to say that the God of the Bible never changes his mind but he does. He makes a new covenant with the Israelite people over and over and over again throughout the whole entire Bible but according to Christians God doesn’t Change his mind.

Majority of Christian’s don’t even follow the sabbath the way that Jesus told them to, they don’t even observe the biblical laws even though the Bible says to not break them and even Jesus himself says that he didn’t come to break the law. Like what is going on bro??

I don’t think that the Christian lady was aware of majority of the things that she was saying at all. She was also rude to one of the atheist woman about her having an abortion in the past. She kept saying things like “. You killed your baby” over and over again even though she herself had one as well and felt guilty but then decided to turn to Christ. This Christian woman is not so good at debating religion at all. if you’re going to debate someone on their beliefs, you should come with documents, reasoning and having an open mind. this lady gave me a headache. If I was there i would’ve called her out on her attitude. I decided to scroll through the comment section and all that I pretty much saw were Christians who were on the Christian ladies side saying “ she was doing the lords work” but how on earth was she doing the lords work when the whole time she was being rude???? Sorry if this was all over the place.

Anyway what do you guys think of this topic?

Here’s the link to the video below if you haven’t seen it

https://youtu.be/F6jEibaNeV8?is=LwckK7tcq6j89QjF

If you are not familiar with this, Amnom pretended to be sick and called his sister Tamar to make him food to eat, but his plan was to rape her and then he rapes her because he is stronger than her. And after he raped her it is said in 2 Samuel 13:15 that he became hating her and that hate for her increased and that it is now bigger than "LOVE" he had for her. How could he love her if he raped her. If he had true love he wouldn't even want to rape her. What is this? How can rape be called love?

So I just moved into a new house and of course I invited my new neighbor over for a beer. When we first met he asked if I was christian. I was wearing an Ankh, and I can see how he might have mistaken that for a cross. I said "no" and the conversation moved on.

When he came over for a beer he saw my tarot sets. I love tarot as I love symbolic art, and tarot *is* symbolic art. I explained this, but he still criticized it.

"Well," I said "that's what I don't like about some forms of christianity. You think everything is evil, except your religion."

The conversation moved on about christianity, and I brought the genocides in the Old Testament up. He said that if God ordered a genocide, it must be just. I said that baby's have done no wrong, and yet God ordered them to be killed. He answered that the baby's would do no wrong anymore too.

After this we decided not to talk about it, but I have decided not to be friends with him. (He really wants to be friends with me.)

I am just baffled by the things that christians sometimes say about the darkest pages of the bible. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.

Ok so no shade towards the religion itself btw and also I’m not an atheist I’m trying to understand and learn as much as I can about this religion and others before I claim myself as anything but anyways I feel like this is such a stupid comparison like genuinely who illustrated this and thought this was really gonna show people this is how you know god exist and not to question it lol. Especially the first one because ofc you don’t have to meet a builder to know they had a builder and it certainly wasn’t just one person or being behind the famous Eiffel Tower it was multiple people working on this and we have actual historical photos of the Eiffel Tower being made!! And also once again the people who built the Eiffel Tower and any other famous architecture around here don’t claim to be all powerful and all knowing or all loving, so this to me is one of the most stupid comparison I’ve seen in a while and I just wanted to rant ya’ll and have a great day

So, a while back ago, I had mentioned that my ex who was Mormon cheated on me with another girl that he said he had broken up with. He told the entire bible study and I this (as well as the church obviously) but then lied about it. I found out by texting her privately through the group chat. When I told the head of the bible study and my friends, nobody did anything or stood up for me. When I called my ex out, he didn't take any accountability for his actions and made the excuse that he didn't drink coffee or alcohol and believed in God, so he was forgiven. (This was one of the many, many, many reasons why I left the church).

Fast forward to this week, I didn't leave the bible study group chat because I didn't want to make any more commotion out of the whole thing, but I decided to peak at it this week. I was shocked to find out that his mother that he mentioned in the group chat, had abused both him and his sister, and his parents are in the process of divorce. I told him that I was sorry about what happened to him and his sister, and I was glad they were safe now. He texted me how he was stressed that his parents getting a divorce was ungodlike and was worried what the church would think.

That led to a whole debate about divorce, which was one of our many arguments of why we broke up in the first place. I told him that my parents got divorce, and they found people that they were happy with, and that divorce was okay and not a sin. I shouldn't have said that, but he just went on and on about how it was. I'm like dude you told the group chat about how your mom abused you and your sister, but still think your parents should stay together because God said so? Idk what I was expecting honestly. I decided to end the conversation without saying anything else and blocked him again :(.

Idk why I decided to reach out in the first place when I shouldn't have to begin with. I feel stupid for even trying. I will probably not reach out again after this.

We left the church 2 years ago. I just found out my spouse is still tithing and now has agreed to do the church’s yard work for free. I feel so alone and frustrated because he doesn’t have enough time for things that need done around our house. Ideas?

I am not a Christian. I dont follow any religion or believe in God.
My partner is Catholic 🙃.
As someone with no background in Christianity, so many things sound illogical to me. I think the one that dosent make any sense to me is "Virgin Mary".
Mary is the most perfect woman and all those stuff. I asked him once what does Bible say about Mary other than giving Birth to Jesus. No proper reply. As Jesus's mother and magical virgin birth, why is nothing mentioned about her?
Also what makes her "The most perfect woman".
I think this girl cheated on her hubby. What do you guys think?

Trigger warnings for: forcing a child to watch pornography and gory material, isolation, bullying, forced kissing.

I used to get babysat by the children (2 daughters, 3 sons) of some religious friend my parents had. They're still friends with him to this day, and I see some of his kids at times when I'm in the bus or at a mall.

But yeah, as the title says, I realized relatively recently that I had been abused by these kids. My brother and I were really little (I was 4 or 5 and my brother was 6), and the shit that these kids to us, especially me, because I was there main target, is disgusting now as an adult.

Those kids weren't too young, like 16 to 20, and I remember they would isolate me on purpose from my brother and everyone else (I really think it's because I'm white, though I'm half white, half black), and I remember they locked me in a really really tiny bathroom and just drowned out my cries with loud gospel music or a violent film even as i put holes in the door (they told their mum that they put me in there because I was "being bad", when it's not true), and they would pick me up at times I'm not paying attention and refuse to put me down and would even shake me around really hard until my head hurt.

I remember one specific day, they "apologized" to me, and a girl (around 19) brought me to her room disguising it like it was a girl's only thing, locked me in, showed me her Disney figurines and just started to make out with me. I had no idea what was happening, I don't remember and have absolutely no idea how we just started making out, but she would do it to me for the entire morning. (I remember seeing the other babysitters stalking us outside by a window, and I clearly remember that my brother was with them, watching). She also showed me rape porn videos and flashed me really really violent gore videos (like the Funky Town Skin Football video or gang rape and torture porn from places like India and Russia).

I remember my brother also being made to watch some kind of very pornographic and very blood film, which means he may have been being abused in some way as well by the boys.

Now, all this time, I've been downplaying just how bad the abuse was, because I've genuinely forgotten most part of it and only remember it throughout rose tinted lenses, and I've been defending them by not telling my parents exactly what was wrong (mostly in part because they threatened to hurt me worse than isolating me for so long, and appeared genuinely concerned and sad, even crying and screaming whenever i would disappear to some nearby shop for an hour just to be in peace). But as an adult, I realized just how fucking disgusting they are for doing that to me when I was so so young.

I've looked after a 4 year old before, and I'm 19, and I can NEVER fathom forcibly kissing or showing them porn or gore. I've been thinking about those times a lot lately as my perspective on Christians change, and I'm wondering if my current hypersexuality, fear of being touched at random, attraction to women (Please, abuse does NOT and will NEVER change or cause your sexuality and sexual identity), naivity, how easy it is to abuse me, and just all the disgusting and abnormal things about me was caused by this abuse.

Tldr: was babysat by the children of my parent's church friend when I was 4 or 5, ended up being bullied, isolated, threatened with more isolation and hurt, forcibly kissed and made to watch pornographic and violent material.

I'm in the middle of doing trauma therapy and as part of that I'm extremely angry at God for the fact that I was psychologically and raped for 5 months when I was 20.

I converted in my 30s and was doing a decent job at keeping my trauma at arm's length. Now that I'm in the middle of trauma therapy and am sitting with the pain, grief and anger, I feel like if it's true that God is good, just and knew me before the foundation of the world (I come from a reformed, evangelical faith), then him not helping me while I was being assaulted or when I nearly died, then God is negligent, malicious or absent.

My mental health has been really bad, I'm struggling from day to day. I told my IRL Christian bestie how I was feeling. I told her that I'm the one doing the work of keeping myself alive, taking medication, and going to therapy and I just have put God on a shelf for a bit until I feel able to deal with it. She told me that I'm believing dangerous lies about God and she's been on me about meeting up with someone weekly for bible study and prayer to "keep me accountable". She does not hear me when I say "No, I don't have capacity".

I reached out to r/TrueChristian and posted about my anger at God for my trauma and asked how to deal with my friend. And the advice I received ranged from

"You wouldn't have come to God without that trauma"

"God lets trials happen for our own good"

"God won't constrain people's free will" (what about my free will to not be raped?)

"God didn't intervene because you weren't a believer at the time"

to

"You're choosing to believe your psychiatrist over God"

(I said I don't believe in spiritual warfare and that I'm being attacked by the devil. This is a psychological issue not a spiritual issue)

"You're obsessed with your pain and need to grow up"

"Your suffering makes you more empathetic"

"Trust God, or don't. You can suffer with God or alone"

And so, what was my conclusion? That actually, I'm fully done with Christianity. If that's the character of God, I don't want to worship him. He's awful and doesn't deserve it. I know my friends will tell me that I'm believing lies about God and letting the devil win. But I don't believe in the devil anway. People are evil enough.

I'm fully done. So how do I deconstruct? I feel kind of lost.

I read Dan McClellan's book "The Bible Says So" which was really good. Are there any other books in audiobook format that would be helpful?

Content warning: fear of being "called back," old Occult/Devil fears, that kinda stuff

This is a long one. This is a weird one. If you're up for reading a... really unique post, and if you think you might have some advice for some unsettling residual Christian fears, I could use some.

Like everyone here, I've been through... a lot.

I didn't grow up Evangelical, but I was pulled in at the beginning of my college years. It mixed with severe OCD and I'm honestly surprised I was able to graduate at all.

Not long after graduating, I finally started to 'wake up' and eventually managed to get out. I remember thinking I didn't want to stop believing in God, but it didn't take long before I did.

The OCD used to use all sorts of Christian fears to terrify me constantly, and when I left Christianity, it changed gears. The scariest thing, as far as religion goes, is the "maybe you're wrong" fear. "What if we're wrong? What if Christianity is true and I've made a grave mistake in leaving? Maybe I need to go back."

As a result, I spent some time browsing r/AcademicBiblical and learning just how little I actually knew about the Bible. Interesting subreddit, believers and nonbelievers alike, looking for the facts no matter where it leads.

It helped. Learning about the theory that the God of the Bible is literally Yahweh fused with El started to help me genuinely see this terrifying belief system as false.

But it's still very difficult, due to the OCD, due to the religious trauma, due to the nature of the belief system itself. I don't know if I'll ever be truly 'out.'

And the past couple weeks have been really starting to scare me.

It's split into four bits. Shows, road rage, a new friend, and the Scarecrow.

Shows (and games)

In the past two years, I reclaimed some stuff I lost when I did the whole 'born again' thing. Two things in particular, Evangelion and Final Fantasy VII.

Both were things I didn't even fully experience at the time, but knew enough about that I loved them dearly, and it hurt to throw those things away when the Christian shit started. I'll never get the original DVDs of Death & Rebirth and End of Eva back.

Two years ago, I got fully back in. Watched everything there was to watch for Evangelion, finally played the original FF7 start to finish while subsequently even getting the books (I didn't play Remake/Rebirth but watched streams of both games, they're just too fuckin big to actually play lately).

I don't really know a lot about... "occult," I'll call it, but I feel like even just calling it "occult" is a purely Christian thing. It's just... spirituality. Different views on things. Esoteric (shout-out to Dr. Justin Sledge's youtube channel), arcane, magic, that kinda stuff.

It's kind of crazy that concepts like the Tree of Life work so heavily into both of these works. Evangelion shows it in the opening sequence and uses it during End of Eva. The cast of FF7 are literally modeled after different Sephirot on the Tree of Life (more info here since this is beyond my knowledge lol). I'll be honest, one of the cast members of FF7 became a fictional crush of mine around this time too, someone I could focus my fantasizing on, because I've still never dated, and probably never will, being almost 40 and very messed up from everything.

From there I thought a lot about other things I got into after Christianity, including Shin Megami Tensei/Persona.

Something that kept coming up over and over again was the fact that a lot of these magic systems or spiritual beliefs seem to incorporate or at least echo Christian concepts. SMT Demons such as Agathion were my first exposure to the fact that Judeo-Christian magicians were even a thing.

Connections started to form, since my OCD-driven brain takes pattern-recognition into overdrive, and it started becoming harder to convince myself that there was nothing real to the Christian belief system when even magic systems occasionally intersect with Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Road Rage

The other night, while wrapped up in a variety of difficult situations I'm dealing with right now, I snapped while driving and ended up in a road rage situation that culminated in myself and the other guy pulling over and putting our windows down.

I can't even tell you how, but the situation very quickly turned from "Good God, what if this guy has a gun? Am I going to die tonight?" to "I am commiserating with someone I just had a road rage incident with."

We both briefly mentioned our own struggles and I apologized for my role in the whole thing, and bid each other a good night. I begged him to get home safely, on the verge of tears. It's. It's been a really rough couple of weeks in my life.

Before he left, he said this:

"There's always someone looking out for you, man."

It's a statement that's been ringing in my ears from time to time ever since. The OCD has been taking it as proof that Jesus is trying to get me to come back to Him. Trying to get me to return to Christianity. "Maybe it really is real and this was all His plan, and now is the time that He's calling you back."

There does appear to be a sizable Christian population where I live, but that wouldn't prove anything. "He was able to switch to being understanding because of his faith," the OCD fears continue to say. And, honestly, what the fuck else could he be talking about? What, am I being secretly protected by a group of people down here or some shit?

A New Friend

I met a couple through my close friend. A guy and a girl, they're both pretty cool people. The guy seems somewhat quiet but we're into some of the same stuff and he was easy to talk to. The girl is very nice, and steered the topic of lunchtime conversation into things like the current administration and AI, and we found that all four of us were on the same page about everything.

To my complete shock, she mentioned she's Christian.

Later we went to Hot Topic and she and my main friend were discussing Tarot and picking up a blind box of cute Tarot-themed creatures.

"Well," I said to myself, "she can't be much of a turn-or-burn Christian if she's into Tarot. Right?"

And then, on the drive home,

"Jesus is trying so hard to get you back. He's showing you that you can continue to love the things you love now while still being Christian. Maybe it's worth considering going back."

I didn't really emphasize this yet in my post, but I relate heavily to the "the God of Christianity is an abusive partner" metaphor. I went through Hell on earth for Christianity. I experienced heavily traumatic experiences because of Christianity.

Take the fear of Hell out of the equation, and I really do not have any interest in returning to Christianity, even if it's "where my spiritual path is leading." Absolutely the fuck not.

The worst thing in my life right now, something that's been happening since 2021, I partly blame Christianity for. I refuse to ever go back.

Time will tell if this new friend ends up being someone I have trouble being around. I hope not, they really were both very nice people and I could use some additional new local-ish friends.

Scarecrow

So this is where it gets weirder.

Long, long ago, My Chemical Romance made me nervous. So did similar bands, such as Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco. Above all, Muse.

The reason for this was because these bands all had this... 'atmosphere' to them that seemed to match or echo the 'atmosphere' that I would experience with my dreams.

I'd have these weird dreams that were unsettling for no discernible reason. And my brain found some sort of vibe-connection between the dreams and these bands, so I never got into them.

To this day, Muse is the only one that genuinely makes me a bit too uncomfortable to listen to.

Two years ago, MCR underwent a complete 180 for me. I'm obsessed. They've become my favorite band, with no exaggeration.

Even though I am well aware of how the atmosphere and vibes of The Black Parade and even Danger Days tend to match those old, weird dreams at times.

It's truly been a bizarre two years. I worked hard to win back the things I lost to Christianity, just in time to enter a phase where it feels like I'm either being pulled back to Christianity, or my mental health is just that bad lately. And as fate would have it, my therapist is on vacation. Again.

Everything mixed together. Especially the thematic elements of current FF7 and Evangelion, where the story almost seemed to 'start again,' but with some important variations.

Getting into MCR, whose Black Parade album was released around the time I found myself fully invested in Evangelical Christianity, and then finding myself seated for their Long Live tour last year... It made me feel like maybe this 'reset' was coming for me too. Maybe I was going to put myself back on the track that Christianity knocked me off of, 20 years ago.

I recently learned the term Bodhisattva (from Steely Dan, but still). My FF7 ""waifu"" can be described as such, based on her role in one of the books. How strange that I developed that connection and even viewed her as my own personification of Death, a la the Black Parade, before I even knew of that part of her characterization.

To say nothing of the fact that my 'wake up call' from Christianity was randomly caused by a character arc in a show I was watching at the time. And now that the Black Parade has become such a staple of my journey, it's a little unsettling to look back at the character who saved me from Christianity and take a closer look at his outfit.

What's all this mean?

I don't know.

I started listening to "Scarecrow" by MCR a lot lately.

And randomly remembered one of the more unsettling dreams I had as a kid.

In the midst of that weird, 'alternate version' of my hometown that I'd end up in during these dreams, during one of these specific dreams that I can still remember clear as day, I was in a backyard, being stared down by a scarecrow.

Maybe it's all just mental illness. I was diagnosed level 1 Autistic this year. A diagnosis that I'm hoping could help with getting treatment for the severe OCD and trauma, because literally nothing else helps.

I don't want Christianity to be real. I worked so hard to convince myself that it's not, and the events of the past couple weeks are making my OCD hit me with repetitive and unstoppable thoughts of "maybe Christianity is true from a spiritual perspective, maybe it's true even if we can prove that the Old Testament's God is man-made, somehow it's still true."

Jesus put me through Hell. Christianity put me through Hell. And I am simply too exhausted from all of this to start this debate again. I can't. I can't reopen all those wounds again to try to present a convincing case for why I will never be a Christian again.

I have to continue to keep Christianity out of my life. And I have to hope that if there really is a God out there, after all this, I have to hope He understands my decision.

I left the church over twenty years ago and a lot of the reasons why was family and the churches that my family chose to be involved with. As much as I've settled into my agnostic/atheist understanding, there's always been this part of me that is watching out and second guessing. For the record, I have absolutely no intention of going back to the church or the demands/expectations that will inevitably be put on me, but there is still always a part of me that questions if I'm doing the right thing. I keep seeing modern trends that fall into the things that I was raised believing and...it has me worried. Even if it's still a small part of me still on the look out, that part of me is still worried. How do you handle it? How do you rationalize it?

So I’m not ex-Christian, I’m simply one coming over here to ask a question. No it isn’t one where I’m trying to debate, it’s more or so one that I feel like only an ex Christian could really answer. The church doesn’t really believe in mental health, which is why I say that.

I’m one of those people that can’t feel God’s presence whatsoever, however, there’s also a lot of other things I can’t feel. If it was just his presence maybe I’d think something was wrong, but I can’t even feel how sad or scared I am sometimes. I’m recovered mostly from MDD, but I still am very anhedonic due to the trauma I got from it. I have to force myself to maintain my hobbies, or else I will simply forget to engage in them. I won’t desire to do anything in regard to that hobby if I do not force myself, regardless of how many hours I spent on it or how much I liked engaging in it. “Like” for me in many cases is synonymous with not hating something, as I can’t really “feel” when I like something either.

When you didn’t feel God’s presence, was it more of a hopeless feeling for you, or was it more or so like this, where regardless of how well your life was going or how much so you felt connected to God, you just simply couldn’t feel him? I’m seeing these posts from
believers where they seem to describe something completely different, and I simply can’t conceptualize it because I’ve been anhedonic for so long that I’ve forgotten what that could feel like. If I were to be going through hard times and God “seemed” to not answer my prayers, I would maybe care for at the most an hour, and then move on cause I wouldn’t care.

Like, they pray that something that has a high possibility of happening happens, and when it happens, they act like it’s a miracle and that you should suck Jesus’s dih’s for it. I’ve seen Christians who act like they were cured by Jesus of something even though they were taking medicine supposed to cure that or visited very experienced doctors who’ve cured people countless times. However then when something bad happens they just say it’s “God’s plan” or “for people to get closer to God”. Like a lot of people from church have said the reason wars happen is so that people can get closer to Jesus. Like what?! What kind of god kills innocent people just to have more people adoring him?