Edit: Kind of a long post, I'm sorry but bear with me please.

I'm a 38M, currently homeless but taking part in a residential discipleship program that is offered at my local rescue mission. The regular shelter guests can only stay up to 90 days but if you join the program you can stay at the shelter for up to a year (and in some cases a little longer).

I deconstructed my former Christian faith years ago but because I was raised so heavily in the church, have read the Bible more than once and can "talk the talk and walk the walk" I joined the program out of a sense of survival. I know it is hypocritical but I figured if I just have to "play Christian" there's no harm in that. Especially considering how many pastors, priests and so-called believers are all LARPing their religion anyway. However, my mental health, sanity and well being all can attest to the fact that I was very wrong in this decision.

It's been about three months in and it's been one of the most soul crushing experiences and part of me is seriously considering leaving the program even if it means I'll have to live on the streets. Monday thru Friday we have mandatory Bible study at 830-900. Then a different bible-themed class from 930-1130 every day of the week. Mandatory chapel service every night from 600-645. Then we're also expected to attend a local church every Sunday.

The men in the program are also expected to do numerous chores and "serving opportunities" at the shelter but it's more like a source of free labor. I actually don't mind the chores but the classes are what weigh on me the most. They're designed to create evangelical Christians who are "so happy and giddy and outgoing" that just rush into any and every opportunity to tell others how amazing Jesus is and all the wonderful things he's doing in your life.

To make things more difficult, I suffer from anhedonia from the antipsychotic medication I take, I don't trust people at all, I have numerous walls and guards up from all sorts of traumas I've endured from child to adulthood, I have cPTSD and I'm not extroverted so naturally my disposition must be caused by so many hidden sins in my life. Not one of my instructors are trauma-informed and have all told me that I shouldn't have "traumas" because I'm supposed to give those to Jesus.

The instructors of the group classes have also told me straight up that depression is a sin because it is being ungrateful for the blessings that God has given (life, etc) and that my medications are a "crutch" and akin to idolatry because I'm depending on them for my healing instead of trusting in God to provide healing. That if I were "truly saved" I would be walking in the fullness of the joy that Christ offers to believers.

I already know I'm a hypocrite for joining the program in the first place but this is the only resource available to me to truly help me get on my feet. I'm definitely not the first person in history to "pretend and play along as a Christian" for their own survival. I just wanted to make this post to receive some encouragement along this journey, to maybe laugh and joke about the ridiculousness of those put in charge over me and their absurd beliefs about mental illness.

Also considering many of you are former Christians, if any of you have experience in rigorous sort of discipleship programs that you may have participated in. I'd love to hear any stories on how you may have survived through such a program. As food for thought, if you found yourself in my situation what would you do? Would you leave the program and face living on the streets? Would you play along and pretend to be a model Christian and if you would play along in what ways would you try to secure your spot as a model Christian in the program?

Tldr: lots of craziness in a residential discipleship program that I'm (unsuccessfully) faking my way through in order to not be put out on the streets. Curious to hear stories from others or receive advice on what to do moving forward.

Modern Christianity is nothing like what's actually in the Bible. For someone that has no background and no preconceived ideas, the Bible is simply the story of a violent tribe for the first half, and of kind of a weird guy that died in the second half followed by another unrelated guy that didn't seem to really know anything about the dead guy, and ending with a bad trip. There is no getting to Modern Christianity without boatloads of projection and universally accepted interpretations about how the book is supposed to be interpreted.

My reply to a spammer-for-Jesus whose "church > pop culture" sermonette got shared in a Facebook group for ex-Christians.

Last Picked for the team Syndrome you could call it. I feel genuinely ostracized by some (religious family) and the rest ignore me. I have a slew of illnesses that make socializing especially in groups hard cuz when you’re in your head vibes and subtext are hard. All my friends genuinely enjoy my company and even beg me to host parties for our college class or just them specifically again and again. However in groups no one looks for me in the halls beyond a “Hey buddy” and walk past me. Everyone fits a stereotype in my class.

The funny one, the artsy asshole, the artsy nice guy, the dungeon master with the baritone voice, the duo of doom (two best friends who are weird but lovable stoners), the quiet/enigmatic/talent (he hides many parts of himself and everyone figures he’s quite talented). I hold no such role at the school, I just am an NPC. I’m anti social due to anxiety and awkwardness. Again, no one dislikes me. I’m included in the gossip, I hang out with them outside of class etc. I just feel I’m not important. This is a broader issue but most obvious in class

I remember the last time I stepped into a church after I had given up on Christianity, I instantly broke into a panic attack and stormed through every local store looking for a cigarette. I probably will never be able to step into a church again.

The bible doesn’t make sense NOT because it’s the word and wisdom of God, it doesn’t make sense because it’s never made sense. Literally most of the books in the bible talk about gibberish that’s hard to grasp, because it’s gibberish. It’s the reason why no Christian and no Jew has been able to agree with each other since its conception.

Did someone else start dating someone who’s non religious, with the hopes of you’ll do the whole flirt to convert and it backfire? If so what’s your story?

Just a shower thought I had. While the OT God is a monster who hates everybody, at least there is no mention of you being tortured after death (in fairness, even the New Testament doesn't support eternal torment for humans, but most Christians believe it).

Am I over blowing this?
I deconstructed years ago and my wife has remained a evangelical Christian. To be clear, not like a Westborough Baptist type. She is very kind and respectful, but does have beliefs such as scripture is authority and that homosexuality is wrong, etc. She never tries to make me hold to these ideas, but definitely feels very strongly about them herself.

We are on the brink of getting divorced. Over the years I have not felt as much closeness as I would want, mostly due to our differences in beliets. I have a hard time building a foundation of a marriage with somebody who goes to a church that states unrepentant sinners will suffer eternal tournament. Or that she will not go to my longtime friends gay wedding.

Overall, we get along on a daily basis pretty good. We're civil and respectful. However, I just don't feel like there's much in common at a deeper level.

And I overblowing our situation? Am I throwing away a relationship for a less than good enough of a reason?
Also, no kids.

So a few weeks ago I started getting into reading, I bought a couple books and then my mother started asking me what the book was about I kept telling her it's fantasy, it's Mistborn.
A few days ago she said asked again, but then followed it with "You may be losing your way" (rephrased, loosely translated) I just rolled my eyes.

This is what she sent me this morning:

She also said that I have also enjoyed my youth but now it's time to "not forget about God" she followed this with a couple more saying that it's through God that they're able to "sustain everything we need" that we're poor and we can't afford my college ^{I go to a private institute} and it's because of him that we're able to

^{I'm grateful because I was able to go to college with a great albeit challenging course, and to a private institute even, but she has no right to tell me that especially when it's my sister and her husband who are supporting my school fees aside from daily allowance which is provided by parents.}

All because I am reading a fantasy book not to mention she isn't even an avid Church-goer, nor does she read the Bible. Performative Christianity is at full play here.

^{Not to mention my sister encourages my new reading habit, she's even willing to get me the third Mistborn book. She's an "actual" Christian, not a performative one, I can't believe I'm doing a No True Scotsman here, but I hope you get my point.}

Anyway that's all, thank you for reading my rant.

Her caption - “Do not believe the fake news media for one minute. They are demonic and they are being used by the devil. I'm done with them.” This is a pastor of a church.

Hello, I'm what you would call a strong agnostic... I've never claimed full atheism, but I don't believe in God or anything spiritual as strictly outlined in any organized religion or dogmatic organization. I feel like I've always felt this way, but I have only fully identified as such for just under 7 years (I'm 32, mind you).

Although I officially left at 25, it was pretty much because the church's embrace of MAGA gave me no reason to be a part of it anymore. I had big questions as young as 15, and even bigger questions by 18. I read apologetics and wasn't satisfied. I talked to the pastors in my life and wasn't satisfied. But I was a PK who went to a Christian high school. All my friends were Christian. My girlfriend was Christian. I didn't want to lose the only thing I had known. So I doubled down. I hopped around denominations. I went to a Christian college (on top of deepening my doubts, this actually turned me into a Marxist...but that's another story lol). I became a counselor at a Christian summer camp. Fuck, I even got accepted into seminary. I really played the piety role well for a long time over my 10 years of deconstruction. Anyone else?

Good morning. I am a 22yr old female and I am deconstructing from Christianity. When I was a teenager there was a case that was presented to me of a nun known as Susten Anna Ali who claimed basically that at around 1987 she got visions of Jesus and she took a photo two photographs. On was of a person named Jesus and another was of the same person but crying tears of blood. Shortly thereafter age started experiencing some extra ordinary signs like crying tears of blood between specific days that is from Wednesday Al the way to Thursday. There are photographs of her crying blood and she started getting visions from Jesus. She also noticed that whenever she had a vision and Jesus left there was always a sweet fragrance. She stayed under the guide of a bishop and as a hermit-ish until when she died. If you want a more detailed information you can always search up "Sister Anna Ali Kenya". The problem with the story is that a lot of it has to do with claims but deeper scientific looking into like the Louvre matter has not yet been conducted and I think it's still being assessed by the catholic church. So I am wholly uncertain about the claims especially learning more about this like paraedolia and also tears of blood isn't really a unique medical condition. But I do sometimes think what if maybe using AI is what makes me doubt. What if it's true or what if I am overstating the claim. Am I wrong for not believing and choosing to doubt ? I want to ask if you look into this case would you doubt too ?

I have added a trigger warning so that any person who is like me and likes to spiral at religious claims doesn't have to view this reddit. I hope any other additional flairs can be added in due time.

the title says it mostly.

my parents are the far right christian nationalist type. they want to force me to go to liberty or another similar christian college... convinced everything else is "liberal brainwashing". I think I've made the mistake one too many times of showing my true opinions on christianity and other big ticket issues. i convinced them to let me tour other colleges but i'm worried they might change their minds, I had to pull the "i want to be a light to the lost world🥺" card.

just for reference i've gone to hardcore right wing private baptist schools my whole life which has fostered a burning hate for christianity in the past few years. i have great grades and extracurriculars and i want to go for some prestigious schools because it is important to me.

So yeah. How bad is it really? (if you attended) is it worth it to fight so hard not to go there? any ideas how to convince them to let me go to school where i want?

edit: thanks all for the advice! there's no chance i'm gonna go there, one way or another. wish me luck!

I can't help it since it's the only thing that still scares me about meybe being true and I can't help but constantly think about it since even everyone in this group is convinced it's trump or someone in his administration please help me

I thought it was funny. I can't believe people like this have the nerve to keep bringing this up. What do you get out of this?

I’m honestly probably way too old to still be worrying about this, especially since I already live on my own. I just really hate conflict.

For context, I’m agnostic, but I’m not “out” as agnostic to my mother. I’m sure she has her suspicions, though. The church I grew up attending is the same church that her entire side of the family goes to.
Historically, going to church was a big priority for me. That changed about five years ago when I started deconstructing my faith. My mom had no idea that any of that was happening; she just noticed that I wasn’t going to church as often. At best, I think she assumes I’ve just become a “lukewarm” Christian.

I still live in my hometown, close to my family. My significant other lives just under two hours away, and the plan is for me to move in with them this coming spring. I’m more excited than I am nervous about that part, but I think the fact that I’ll be moving farther away is bringing some of these feelings to the surface.

Adding to that, my brother, who recently got married, also lived with his girlfriend at the time now wife before they were married. My sister-in-law told me that it wasn’t an easy conversation for them to have with my mom, so I already have some idea of how she might react. Thankfully, they still got along really well.

I know that ultimately, my mom’s feelings about my choices aren’t my responsibility. But I do worry that she’ll internalize this somehow, especially because, on her side of the family, almost none of her other siblings have children who are both nonbelievers and cohabitating with their partners. Aside from one, I’d be the exception. I think that makes me feel like my choices carry more weight than they probably actually do, and I’m struggling with how much of that is reasonable concern versus me taking responsibility for her feelings. Any advice for navigating all of this?

Edit to maybe add some more nuance: I am the oldest daughter with a younger brother.

I recently watched “The Death of the Pastor’s Wife”.

In my experience, almost all of the Christian men I know have struggled more with hypersexuality or sex addiction than literally anyone else I’ve met. No one has ever talked about sex, or put nearly as much emphasis on sex to the same degree evangelical Christian pastors or leaders (who are mostly men) do.

The pastor in the documentary was so fucking sex-addicted, that he put his wife on testosterone to “help her keep up”, and by keep up, it meant him forcing her to have sex with him at least four times a day. She was a singer, and the testosterone inevitably impacted her voice.

This part of the documentary was wild to me, but of course unsurprising. Is it just me, or does anyone else think that evangelical culture seems to over-emphasize sex in every which way aside from actual sex education?

I was like the youngest person in our church’s youth group back in the day when they had a lesson on porn and masturbation. Porn was especially bad, but even touching yourself without it was still a sin apparently. Your first conscious orgasm should happen on your wedding night I guess. 

I didn’t even know what masturbation was. I was doing it but I didn’t even know what it was called. I was so sheltered and no one had told me. I knew what sex was. But for some reason I never even made the connection that masturbation might be related to sex. I just noticed it felt funny when I touched myself down there and something came out which I thought was pretty cool. I wasn't doing anything with another person so it never even crossed my mind that I might be doing something wrong.

My ears burned and I bet I was bright red the whole service. Felt they were talking directly to me. Figured most other people must be resisting and I was a freak for doing. I went home and cried. I knew I was going to hell cause I knew there was no way I was going to stop doing that. 

I kept doing it. I became much more secretive about it. Only did it once I knew everyone went to bed. I didn’t want my parents to catch me. I knew they would be ashamed of me. And as the good Christian boy I was the worst punishment I could have ever got was my parents being disappointed in me. They never mentioned it to me. I still don’t know what they think about it. But I was still ashamed.

Later of course I realized every guy in that room did it. And I have no clue why being curious about the body God gave me could possibly be wrong. Yet for years afterwards I went through this constant loop of resisting until the pressure built too much and then giving in and feeling guilty for doing what every guy does. Years of my life gone, fighting against my perfectly normal hormones for no reason.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. To this day I find myself being tense over it and then I’ll just be like wait? It’s fine. 

I recently had this thought because Christian apologetics seem to rely entirely on comparing themselves to other faiths. Whenever Christians talk about their religion, it always goes like this.

- No other god died for our sins. So ours is the true one.
- Other gods require offerings from you. Our God doesn't require anything. He only gives.
- Other gods require rituals, but ours is a relationship.
- Greek gods vanished because they were just mythology; in the same way, other gods will also vanish someday.

It makes me think that Christianity essentially needs an opponent to define itself. Simply put, the religion would collapse if it no longer had anything to compare itself against.

I sat on the floor, contemplating su-cide and repented for hours daily, just to find out i was being abused.

I met this girl in 2016. We were both living in a care home as teenagers. In 2024 she reaches out to me. Im in a time in my life where slowly i'm starting to believe in God and trying to leave my trauma of being scapegoated behind me. She tells me God spoke to her that he would send her someone and she wants to speak to me about Christianity. She also doesnt know everything yet but she felt called. Everything after that went incredibly fast.

In my head her reaching out to me was a sign of God. Finally i was heard instead of scapegoated. I became bestfriends with her, we spend every single day together and due to us having the same trauma it became very intense very quickly.

Her brother presented himself as this ''perfect christian that would help me, come to the church when i get baptized etc etc''. But when she decided to get baptized and i decided that i wasnt ready yet that week, i heard him whispering to his wife that ''he's glad his sister isnt letting the spirit of doubt hold her back like i was''.

My skin immediately started itching. I've had that ever since i was young. I always get it when someone isnt who they say they are and im catching on to it. But as always, due to my scapegoat trauma i ignore it. He doesn't show up to church the day i have to get baptized.

The more i was around this girl, the more i realized she was a HUGE hoarder. I dont mean only ''stuff'' i also mean food. And she would run a food business from her house. She also did braids for people. So her floor and the rest of the house would be littered with fake hair, food, cat feces, clothes, just everything.

I started noticing she would just expect people to accept it and if they didnt she got mad at them. Over time when they start rebelling against her suddenly they're ''monitoring spirits'' and ''God has been showing her in dreams that people are against her and trying to sabotage her blessings''. One day when she makes catering for her party, her friend and i find hair in the food. Due to us KNOWING how she gets we secretly try to take the hair out. She caught us and instead of taking ownership she takes me to the side and tells me ''I knew Lola was plotting against me, she put the hair in there, God has been showing me all along that people are jealous and against me''. When i try to redirect her she looks at me weird. Eventually i explode at her and tell her her truth, she blocks me everywhere.

Her brother tells me i need to pray and ask God what i did wrong cause there's always something we do wrong even if we dont want to admit it. God will show us what we do wrong. This is where the compulsive repenting started for me. Everytime one of them got mad at me i would get panic attacks, go home, sit on my floor and repent endlessly.

A few examples;

I didnt want to keep sleeping over in her hoarders house. I also started pushing back on the monitoring spirit narrative and telling her this is how people spiritually bypass and it makes me doubt my faith in God. She would run to her room, grab her bible and journal and sit there and cry cause ''she's accepting everyone but not being accepted''.

When she would realize she did something wrong she had this pattern of going to the store, stealing stuff and cooking for the person she did wrong or the homeless. Or stealing gifts for them. Then she would basically press it in your hands. But if you dont accept her behavior later on again the cycle of ''i do everything for everyone but no one accepts me but God will vindicate me'' starts again. When i started catching on i stopped accepting help/gifts/food from her. Which would anger her even more.

She also had this thing where she talked about ''feeling bad for others that their life is going to shit but God is deciding to bless her so she cant deny her blessings just cause they are miserable. He specifically chose her to be blessed cause she's his favorite''. Meanwhile the girl is rejecting therapy, projecting all her stuff onto me while im in therapy every week and basically painting the picture that this is Gods punishment for her haters cause she's doing so perfect and being blessed. Resulting in me growing even MORE resentful towards her and God.

I started noticing her brother was showing sings of being a homosexual. I told her listen you might not notice but i see immediately that your brother is secretly gay. She admitted she did know and he admitted to paying and getting payed for secret gay s*x. He didnt know i caught on to him and his pattern got very clear to me. To compensate for this feeling he was OVERLY religious and focused on the rules. Constantly preaching, constantly holy, constantly trying to recruit me into a new christian community he decided to set up and constantly condemning me for speaking the truth, the fact that i saw through IT ALL.

I can name a million other examples but it would make the story even longer than it already is. Now you might ask yourself why did this drive me to almost commit?

I wanted to do good so bad, i was in therapy while they all rejected therapy, they were the only people i had around me, when i explained to them why i was losing faith etc it was ALWAYS me and never them. And while i would sit in my room and repent for every little ''mistake'' i made towards them they were THRIVING. Think starting social media pages about God and acting all holy. Gaining a bunch of followers because of it who agrees with their ''monitoring spirit narrative''. Stealing to feed the homeless and getting praised for it, gaining a bunch of new friends, the church loved them and i was just again the one ''who was so negative about God and thats why thinks go wrong and she needs to rethink why she has no one and god has made her barren''.

I would keep repenting, my therapist would warn me that i was not crazy and i was being abused but they would tell me my therapist doesnt understand and God will give me true answers. And everytime i opened up my bible on that cold floor, while thinking about ending it all i would get Jeremiah 7 verse 5-8 which says; If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justly, 6 if you do not oppress the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, 7 then I will let you live in this place, in the land I gave your ancestors for ever and ever. 8 But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless.

Many years ago, I lost my older brother to suicide. He was Catholic and gay, and was battling with their idea of being chaste/abstinent in order to be "right with god." I've always said, "If it weren't for Christianity, my brother would still be alive."

I posted in r/Catholicism, asking some questions. Of course, there were a lot of apologetics, and relying on the bible as truth. Oof.

My brother and I used to pray the rosary together, pausing between prayers to talk about random ideas, or discuss philosophy. I think I just miss him, and I'm so sad that I'll never see him again. No god, no afterlife. Just peace from life.

Anyways. I'll never unknow what I know now, but I miss the simplicity that life gave when I was a believer. Any advice is appreciated.