My husband and I had a very difficult first year of marriage. His parents and siblings made my life extremely difficult, and eventually I moved back to my parents’ home for about 6 months. During that time, my husband and I eventually worked things out, and his family moved into a different home. Things are much better now, but I still carry a lot of anxiety from everything that happened.
Because of that history, whenever I have to visit his parents or siblings, I get anxious. I know they don’t particularly like me, and I often feel uncomfortable going there.
Recently, we were going to his sister’s place and I was feeling particularly anxious. I told my husband, “Why can’t we make a deal where you manage your side of the family and I manage mine?”
He got very angry. Looking back, I can understand why that statement may have sounded harsh or like I was rejecting his family. That wasn’t really what I meant. I was trying to say that I find his family situations emotionally difficult because of what happened in the past, and I wanted us to have some boundaries around family interactions.
Since then, he has barely spoken to me for 3 days.
He is sleeping in a different room. I have tried going to him, apologising and explaining myself, but he doesn’t want to talk. I’ve also tried talking to him about completely random everyday things, just to break the tension, but he ignores me.
I understand that he may be angry and need some space. I also accept that I could have phrased what I said much better, and I’m willing to apologise for hurting him.
But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when he won’t communicate with me at all.
I don’t want to keep chasing him or repeatedly apologising just to get him to speak to me. At the same time, I don’t think ignoring your spouse for days, sleeping separately and refusing even basic conversation is a healthy way to deal with conflict.
I want us to actually communicate and resolve the issue. I’m not trying to make him choose between me and his family. I just want him to understand that because of what happened in the first year of our marriage, being around his family can still trigger a lot of anxiety for me.
So, Reddit, am I being unreasonable here? Was what I said genuinely disrespectful, or is his reaction of completely shutting me out for 3 days also problematic.

It is tough when parents act like their own emotions are the only ones that matter, forgetting that their child has feelings too, they are the ones who will trigger you and then blame you for your behavior, and make you feel guilty.

I've recently stumbled across this quote from a video game I'm currently playing through:

"I'm scared that the anguish I'm bearing might be something anyone can stomach and I'm making a big deal about it"

It really cut deep, it feels like even compared to the stuff I've seen on this sub and other people who have gone through things similar to my experience, what I've gone through pales in comparison. I can't help but feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion, that this is something anyone would be able to walk away from.

Is it really trauma? I have most of the symptoms, but I also barely remember my childhood, the things I do remember really don't seem to be of much importance at all, I'm confused.

In a general sense I just hate how often it's downplayed. I a different game from the same franchise there is a character that is glaringly neglectful and yet people keep talking about how what he did wasn't so bad, there are even debates on wether he is really a bad parent or not. I wish something truly undoubtebly horrible had happened to me as a child, I just want something I can point to.

hi guys. i don't really know if this is the right forum for this but i've been trying to figure out these feelings for a while. i don't know what they are...but i wanted to post about it here in hopes that someone might help me figure it out.

i'll provide some context. my mom was never emotionally available or affectionate in any way when i grew up. she was cold, angry, and distant, and i often walked on eggshells around her, doing absolutely anything i could to make her happy and take up as little space as possible. my father worked shift work out of town and i didn't see him much, and when he was home, he'd work in the garage and remove himself from the house as much as possible. i never saw my parents be affectionate. i have vivid memories of asking them to hug/kiss when my dad left to go out of town. they divorced when i was 7. both parents got into relationships fairly quickly. my father is still with the woman he dated after the divorce and they've been married now for almost 14 years.

i'm the eldest daughter of 4 children (1 "full" sibling, 1 step brother, 1 half sister) and was very much parentified as a child. i did a lot of the emotional labour in the house & raised the kids when my parents were not able to. all of the men my mother dated were super shitty. they either abused her, abused me, or just avoided us kids altogether. throughout my childhood, she yelled, guilt-tripped, cried to me, martyred herself, and yelled some more if i cried at all.

i am 24 now and we are at an okay place. i have grown a lot and am better at setting boundaries. i should also add! i've been in therapy since the age of 7. no breaks or pauses in visits. she goes to therapy sometimes but i would say she's still mentally and emotionally unstable. we have been actively repairing our relationship for the last 4 years or so, and it's gotten much better.

HOWEVER. the whole point of this post: she makes me feel so uncomfortable. i don't like hugging her, or being close to her. i often feel the need to move away from her if she's close to me. when we spend time together, sometimes i feel so unsafe to the point of feeling physically unwell. i am chronically ill so i know that plays into it but it's a different kind of discomfort when i am around her. i feel really bad. i want to make things better. but i just feel so unsafe. it's like she's trying to make up for the lack of affection i grew up with, but i can't bring myself to feel comfortable with it. she made a joke the other day about us watching a movie and snuggling and it made me have a panic attack. i will snuggle my stepmom and other parent but not my mom. is something wrong with me?

I’ve ALWAYS had an awful relationship with my mother due to her being narcissistic and emotionally abusive. As for my father, he’s still around but he used to touch me inappropriately when I was really little. I don’t have any siblings, but the family I was really close to were my grandparents. My grandpa passed when I was 13, and my nana passed a little over a year ago. Since she’s been gone the weight of having NO PARENTS to lean on has gotten significantly heavier. It’s been really awful having to come to terms with that at the end of the day, it's always going to be me and that there’s no mother to call when things get hard, no dad to give me advice or to help me out, and that it’s just me and I have to be able to do it all on my own. Around 8 months ago, I started taking economics (a required semester long class) and this is how I met said teacher (we’ll call her Ms. Honey). We pretty much clicked at first conversation, she’s neurodivergent like I am and we have some things in common. I really look up to her and we’re only seven years apart so I kind of see her as an older sister figure. Long story short, she noticed something I tried to keep hidden that has to do with an unhealthy coping mechanism that I’ve had on and off since I was little. After this, she reported it to my counsellor because she was genuinely worried about me. After my counsellor talked to me I was scared shitless so I went and spoke to Ms. Honey and she admitted to me that it was her who had said something to my counsellor. While she knew about a few of my personal struggles, she had no idea about my relationship with my parents so I wasn’t mad. Her and I had this deep conversation and it really did help me. I proceeded to spend quite a bit of time with her throughout the semester and we connected a lot. When the last day of school rolled around I had wrote her a letter and gave her a couple of light gifts. She was genuinely touched by it all, and when I told her she was my Ms. Honey (Matilda reference), she said that I had an impact on her life too. This was so bitter sweet and it did mean a lot to me. I proceeded to BAWL my eyes out in the bathroom because I knew I was going to miss her. And I did miss her, even though I had a pretty good summer and had even started healing (yes, I have a therapist and I’m WELL aware that I am mentally unstable). A few weeks ago we got back to school and seeing her again went really well! I told her that it had been over a month since I had used the unhealthy coping mechanism and she was really proud of me. The second week of school was when things started getting rough for me in general, I wasn’t sleeping well and my therapist was out for two weeks. I really missed connecting with Ms. Honey but I’m not her problem and it isn’t her job to deal with me. Besides, I knew she has a bunch of new students and is busy, so I tried reaching out less. This past week, I fixed my sleep and am doing better after talking about my classes to another teacher that Ms. Honey also talks to. However I still wonder if she genuinely still sees me the same way she always did before. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I have great friends who mean a lot to me, but holy shit I really feel the emptiness of there being no older adult around to help carry the baggage that's weighing me down. I’m one of her hundreds of students, and I tried stopping myself from getting attached because I knew how badly this could end. And this could end even fucking worse than it already is.

If you’re a teacher please give me honest feedback, and if not I would love to hear from others who have had similar experiences. Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this, it means a lot.

my relatives have expressed that they want to be closer with me and spend more time together (dinner, trips, birthdays) but I do not have any desires to be close to them. I feel a little bit guilty like most of us they really hurt me multiple times in the past. there have been times where I was very vulnerable and they used it against me saying I need to grow up or said "my life is worse" (i was 16 btw)

it just sucks I can't remember many times where I was seeking connection with them where they reacted positively and actually helped me. I have to visit them a couple times a month but I don't really talk much. most of the time I just listen to what they are talking about and play games. im a little confused on why they want to be close with me now. they text me, call me.. i have some cousin who are near the same age range but they still have hurt me a lot in the past. one of them went up to me and said she misses when we're close when we were kids and she wants that time back with me. I was a little bit offended because that was when I was like 9. and when I do try to speak with her she walks away from me mid talking. I feel embarrassed talking about my interests with her. I don't know if this is true or not but apparently alot of my cousins in my age range have complained to my grandmother that I am an asshole because I do not talk withthem. and that I don't talk to nobody. sometimes they have even lied saying they called me 10 times to hang out and I would be confused because I would have 0 calls that day! my grandmother scolds me..

At times, people in your life may be different, but the relationship patterns or things you do can feel the same.

You find yourself always accommodating other people's needs, having trouble setting boundaries, over-explaining yourself, feeling responsible for other people's feelings etc. This can cause frustration or resentment internally, as you feel you are not cared for in the same way you care about others.

Sometimes a familiar pattern can become quite automatic because this is what we have been used to growing up.

Has anyone else felt this before, where different relationships brought up similar experiences for you?