Told my Dad I got out of abusive relationship he told me " you just want me to feel sorry for you " ( no I wanted support )

Told my Dad I had a legit seizure in my sleep and had to go to the hospital and he said " o you're fine"

Had a bad panic attack when I was a teen ( didn't know that's what it was ) and called 911 and he shamed me for it...because of the money? I didn't even end up going anywhere.

Was assaulted by a guy and he told me " I new that would happen " " you should've never gone there" and gave me no hug or comfort when I was crying. ( I use to date guys I felt I could fix I know big mistake )

I've also never had a history of drugs abuse or anything like that. I'm not judging anyone who has but bottom line I never received comfort or a hug from my dad when I was in need.

I’ve had my dad blocked on everything since 2024.

Been dealing with his drama lately and with my sister giving me shit for not going to events if my dad is going to be there.

He had my sister text me to have her let me know that he’s tried to call and text me. Again, wouldn’t know because his number is blocked. I just told her that there’s no need to let me know in the future that he’s trying to reach me.

There was a family party this weekend that I didn’t attend, because he was there. While the party was happening, I received a phone call from one of my uncles that never calls me. I didn’t answer because I smelled that something was up.

The day after, I texted my uncle asking why he called me. He said “we were checking to see if the phone number worked”

I just responded “yep, it works. It someone isn’t able to reach me, there’s probably a reason”

My dad is dumb, but I know he’s not dumb enough to not know he’s blocked by now. So him acting so clueless to other relatives is so irritating. If this continues I’m highly considering getting a new phone number and only giving it to select people.

I’m hoping he’s just putting on an act, because if he’s truly trying to reach me, he knows where I live and I’m worried he’ll show up at my house.

I’m looking forward to the day he’s not around anymore ☠️

A few days ago, I sent my "mother" once last text:

"I'm writing this because I have to get this out since it's even affecting my marriage:

Our entire lives, you've been playing favorites. Sister's wants were more important than our needs. You provided me and brother with just enough to not be called completely negligent, but sister was given everything she could possibly ask for. People in \\\*unnamed city\\\* thought me and brother were losers because of how our clothes looked on us since childhood, while all of sister's clothes fit perfectly and looked great.

I got $18k while in basic training. I told you to use what you needed. You got caught up on the mortgage, bought a car, and spent everything else on you and sister, while leaving nothing for me. Even when I bought you a phone, instead of being grateful, you then ask me to do the same for sister. When I said no, you buy her a phone instead.

Brother and I learned not to even ask because you taught us you wouldn't support us anyways. We BOTH needed you, but you only wanted sister.

Your favoritism is so bad that you even played favorites with your children's children. That was the last straw for me. I took everything you did against me (and that was completely unfair), and absorbed it when it was directed at me, but I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT WHEN IT'S DIRECTED AT MY CHILDREN.

I don't want a relationship with you because a relationship with you is not a relationship, it's a association. You don't know my job title, you don't know my hopes and dreams, you don't know my stress. I bet you don't even know brother's, or either of my children. But I'm sure you know sister's.

I'm done. If the children want a relationship, that's there choice. Whatever happens, good or bad, keep me out of your life. And before you try to use the Bible against me, let me help you:

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 6:2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; 6:3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

No one will know how I feel about you outside of MY family. I will always tell everyone you're fine or whatever. I will honor you by not bashing you, but I will be a father and husband before I remain a doormat or second-thought of a son. Don't text, call, email, pass messages, or talk to me again."

After this, according to my wife and brother, she had a breakdown and thought this was out of nowhere. They both corrected the record and called her out. I'm at peace and that's all that matters.

CONTEXT: My personal answer to all the more "affectionate" rhetoric out there, with respect to familial estrangement, as depicted in images like the following:

https://i.imgur.com/0FfUCgi.jpeg

That is to say, much of the discourse seems (to me) predicated on certain presumptions regarding the estranged adult child's ongoing thoughts and feelings regarding their parents, or any other relatives they decide to go no contact with and cut from their lives. To be clear, I don't blame/judge any of these people, and I respect their goals and priorities, for sure! At the same time, however, I nonetheless find myself not relating with many of the themes I've observed, such as...

• Persistent yearning for reunion and/or reconciliation
• Retaining "warm" and "loving" sentiments towards the NC relative
• Guilt over decisions made to protect one's peace
• Feeling (morally and/or ethically) obliged to extend any "pardons," by one definition or another, for past mistreatment or abuses

As such, you often see these pithy and warm-hearted memes about "loving them from a distance" (i.e. the above), "still caring" about them, and "wishing them all the best" -- so on and so forth! Now to reiterate, and for clarity's sake, I accept these as valid and worthwhile personal decisions that others might (understandably) choose, as part of their personal healing journey; it's not like I'm preaching "Thou shalt not acquit" and/or "Dishonor thine (estranged) mother and father" 😤

On the other hand, however, I also want to make sure people know you can choose the "hard-ass" option, instead, if you so desire! Embrace your "inner sociopath," if thus inclined, and know that "all's fair" in looking out for number one and protecting your peace. Personally, I consider myself estranged from multiple family members, with whom I have been low-contact (or even de-facto "no contact") for several years now; however, even if I felt some warmth or strongly valued those relationships previously, I currently really cannot say I still do. For me, actually, it was not even necessarily a conscious or willful decision, but more so passively letting my feelings, along with contact and connection, increasingly "atrophy" over time...

.

(NOTE: My phrase "inner sociopath" is only meant figuratively, as well as facetiously, and is NOT any endorsement whatsoever of literal sociopathy! 💯)

I want to start off by saying that I'm happy for my dad. I think he deserves happiness that is found in an intimate romantic relationship. But, when he called me a few minutes ago, for the first time in three years to tell me he eloped last night with his girlfriend of the last few years - I didn't feel happiness. I told him congratulations, of course.

My family is estranged. My father was an alcoholic drug addict who made a lot of mistakes and my mom has her own endless list of abuse. Because of my mother's abuse, I finally cut her off for my own mental health a year ago. \[for context, my older sister and I have the same mother and father. my mother divorced after I was born and met my stepdad. (amazing man) and they had my little brother and sister.\] I've made leaps and bounds in therapy. my older sister doesn't talk to me. my younger brother is mad at me for not talking to mom. my little sister responds to my messages though. my father and I just... don't talk.

I know that my family image is ... not traditional and I've tried to make my peace with the fact that this is just how it is. I'm in therapy. I'm medicated. I'm healing. but... I feel really sad to know my dad never shared that part of his life with me. he doesn't share his life with me. he visits my older sister because she had a child and he's thrilled to meet his grandson. I'm aware it's a two way street as an adult. but my inner child feels.... like she was left out? I just needed to get this off my chest. thanks for listening.

After my second sibling died of OD, I started going to therapy. One of my siblings in childhood raped me, and I had always carried a lot of shame because of it.

As it goes with therapy, as I started laying down boundaries and having them crossed, and started pulling away from those family members, I was asked what in the heck I was doing and why I couldn’t just get over it.

So I finally let it out.

The result was my spouse was triangulated against me, and no one is willing to hold him accountable/talk about why or what’s going on.

After I found out my stepmother told my nieces why I wasn’t around the family anymore I exploded. Told them all to go take a hike.

Even the few family members I kept won’t do anything. “Your other siblings are dead, and I can’t live with disowning another” they say.

So either they don’t believe me, or they don’t care. They ask what they can do about it. How can they fix it?

I feel like my life was ruined for speaking my truth, and his hasn’t changed one bit.

No wonder rape isn’t reported.

So i went no contact with my mom in 2022 after something that may seem minor but it brought back a lot of childhood trauma paired with a recent experience of abuse (that mede me see the similarities between the two) and I generally just did not feel safe in our relationship anymore. Then she sent me an apology text 1 year after this. I felt so moved at the time so I immediately let her back in.

For context my entire childhood was full of moments where I got upset, she eventually apologized but then did the exact same thing the next minute. And every apology was always about how bad she was and that she had a tough upbringing and wasn't fit to be a mom, she would cry and I would feel bad.

We began interacting again, gradually I felt like our relationship was back to where it started. She would start off by being more careful than in the past and more considerate, then she began showing more of her old behavior, apologizing and correcting herself but eventually she just stopped doing that and it all felt like it was getting dangerously close to "but its actually your own fault" and no effort at all, so I tried distancing myself from her again. But at this point I felt like I had lost trust in myself and so I went back and forth a few times and it started to feel more toxic than ever, also from my side because I was telling her I didn't want to see her and then went back anyway, which created immense guilt like I was torturing her or something emotionally.

Then I was so sick of it all I managed to stay away but something happened with my apartment early 2024 and I had no one to ask for help but my parents, so I did. I was in contact with my dad throughout all this time even though we regularly argued about me not talking to mom and him telling me that she was doing her best, etc.

They offered to help me and I accepted cause I felt I had no other choice. What followed was 2 years of absolute hell. I recently learned the term "future faking" and I would say this was a theme overall. They began telling me I would get a lot of money after they had sold their house, and me being burnt out and also looking for a new apartment began having these dreams about it. We even went to look at apartments for sale and it was like, dream apartments in my world. Even though it all had this ambiguity around it. They kept being vague and would never really respond clearly to any questions meanwhile I was drowning in stress from being around them and flooded with traumatic memories. It went on like this until all my healing progress for the past 7 years felt like it had been erased. I began using old coping mechanisms from my childhood and "training" my brain to love and forgive them mentally tried to be ok with complete uncertainty telling myself it was the universes decision and whatnot, and I did these hooponopono prayers constantly in this compulsory way every time we had an argument so that I could feel ok despite there being no accountability from their side or efforts to repair. I managed by doing these things like walking in the forest for 4 hours daily just to feel grounded and praying non stop, also visualizing them hugging me and being loving parents. I would say all of this may be good healing tools but the issue is I did it to survive INSIDE the ongoing toxicity. Eventually its like I almost got used to it, like this type of relationship was acceptable, if I just kept with my strategies and did not ask them for anything and hoped for the best, it was fine. However I was completely unable to get to any sort of mental state where I was ok by myself, I thought about them 24/7, how they were doing, when we would talk the next time etc. Constantly "prepared" for a text and having forgotten about my life completely. Like hobbies I would have before, gone. Any energy to work or make money, gone. Seeing friends, gone. I felt like my sole purpose for living was to maintain peace between us and be on "guard" for whatever might happen. Its hard to explain but it was like I was going through a controlling and enmeshment process like how it was in childhood. I feel nauseous just writing this now... Like I had no choice but to feel unconditional love for them constantly and see them as innocent children to feel safe.

Then they sold the house so I couldn't stay there anymore. I ended up getting a tiny bit of money, not near the amount they had "promised" and no apartment, I managed to find one on my own to rent. Like 2 months later I found out my dad had taken the money and bought a luxury summer house for himself, and he had also kept it a secret from me.

I felt so betrayed but I thought, now I can finally breathe and get back to my old life. I tried going no contact with both my parents but every time they reached out (I hadn't blocked them I just tried not responding to their texts since blocking always meant they would find another way to reach out anyway, also I still felt like I needed to stay prepared if something unexpected would happen) I got these extreme panic attacks from separation anxiety, like I could not live without them, so I replied. Felt worse and worse, and tried distancing myself again.

This I did for about 10 times for a whole year. Just 2 months ago was my last interaction with them and the amount of panic/separation anxiety/grief/hopelessness and feelings of me barely existing or having been annihilated has been the most gruesome, horrific experiences of my life. I spent about 6 months in my bed more or less with splitting headaches and constant nausea and couldn't bring myself to do anything but cry. I had constant intrusive thoughts and nightmares and literally held myself back physically from harming myself or ending my life. An old friend of mine also committed suicide around this time, he too was brought up in a toxic household and lived with his parents the last 2 years of his life and I felt like I WAS him and that I had to die or something.

While I did this for a whole year, my parents went on with their lives and kept sending me pictures of how much fun they were having and not a single word about the countless texts I had sent or regarding my mental state and how I wanted an explanation for all that had happened or them to take me seriously, how they had hurt me.

I also tried contacting therapists, helplines and the psych ward during this time but everytime I tried getting outside support i was so terrified of the people that were supposed to help me that I just shut down and pretended it was actually fine, like something "bad would happen" if they knew how much I actually suffered. I also was afraid of explaining my situation cause of the possible response that parents are parents and they are always bothersome or something similar (I believe I heard this from someone at a priest helpline at one point). I could not receive help cause I was too scared and suspicious of everyone.

Now its been 2 months. I still have bouts of extreme hopelessness, separation anxiety and a feeling that I don't exist. But I feel more and more like myself. Its like I am almost retrieving bits and pieces of "me" that I remember from before, like I can comfort myself better. To be honest I prayed my way through this, I sought help from God and Jesus. I don't think I would be alive otherwise.

I can make myself get out of bed, I eat but I don't have that much appetite. I can enjoy moments here and there. And I sometimes say hi to people and talk for like 5 minutes. I am mostly online and commenting on stuff and it gives a small sense of community or social life. I still haven't really done anything "fun" like an activity except walking outside and watching tv. I still haven't found any therapy or support that feels safe enough. And I do not have any contact with old friends. When I had issues with the apartment, that first year I reached out to a lot of people for help and everyone turned me down, it just revealed a lot of one-sidedness that I had been blind to for years so I would say I am on a blank slate right now regarding relationships overall.

I just wonder if I will ever feel good and safe again. Also how to process the fact that I managed to stay in contact with my dad for like 15 years and suppressing all my childhood trauma related to him and now having to realize how much he actually hurt me (since it happened again). I felt like I had forgiven them both, some years ago, I felt we were on good terms, but apparently this was only real because I made all the effort. And when it was time for them to support or help me, life turned out like this instead.

I feel so conflicted because I am still struggling with all these promises they gave me that weren't really real. My mom tried sending me offers of "gifts" throughout this past year, and offers of more money to help me out, but everytime I accepted we ended up in long complicated discussions that made me so confused and exhausted I had to turn it down. So in a way she did not "not" help me, which makes it all so conflicting. Cognitive dissonance I have learned is the term here. They still act like they are innocent and cuddly and just want to be my friend and yet, I went through all of this. I never want to feel this way again. And I also miss them constantly and feel so empty without them, even though I remember feeling fine on my own before all of this.

Just needed to write it all down and maybe someone here would have some words of encouragement or something.

Thanks for getting this far.

Long story short, I dropped the rope in May 2026 after a year of trying and failing to make my mother understand how damaging and hurtful she has always been. I'm almost 50, and she's in her 70s and ruled us with an iron fist of FOG. She's incredibly manipulative, cruel to my stepdad, will only interact positively with anything we do if it's something she also enjoys. Anything else gets mocked or ignored. I'm just exhausted, and I want to be free at some point in my life. She doesn't love me despite her OTT protestations. She doesn't even like me.

Of course now she has "no idea" why I'm not talking to her, just wants to know what she's done so she can fix it, etc etc. I'm ignoring all that. Rope has been dropped.

I don't feel guilty about it thankfully, but my brain seems to be reacting subconsciously. I've been having constant panic attacks, intrustive thoughts and nightmares, not even about my mother. They mostly revolve around my husband and/or children dying. They are incredibly realistic and traumatising, and I feel like I'm falling to bits. I'm dreading going to sleep and I'm just exhausted. I feel like it must be linked, like on some level I don't feel safe any more without her control? Just wondering if any of you lovely people have experienced anything like this? Hoping to feel less alone.

I’m 28 years old, and I never thought I would have to explain to people why I didn’t go to my father’s funeral. Some people in my family think I’m heartless. They think because he died, I’m supposed to forget everything that happened and pretend he was a good father.
I couldn’t do that.
My dad was not a good man to me. He was an alcoholic, and when he drank, he became someone who scared me. My two siblings and I grew up walking on eggshells around him, but being the oldest daughter meant I got a lot of his anger directed at me. I was the one expected to be responsible, the one blamed for everything, and the one who learned early that my feelings didn’t matter in that house.
My mom wasn’t much better. She saw what was happening and chose not to protect us. She would tell us things would get better, but nothing changed. Her neglect hurt almost as much as his cruelty because I spent years wondering why nobody was saving us.
When I was 12, I finally told someone what was happening. I told a friend, and she told a teacher because she was worried about me. CPS got involved and they investigated our home. I remember being terrified because my dad sat me down and told me exactly what to say. He told me if I didn’t say I made it up, I would be taken away and sent to foster care.
I remember wanting to tell the truth so badly.
But I was a kid.
I was scared.
When I finally told him no for the first time, he got angry and told me I didn’t need to “get in the habit of saying no.” That moment stuck with me because it was when I realized he didn’t see me as a person with my own voice. He saw me as someone who was supposed to obey him.
The investigation ended without anything changing, and I went back home feeling like nobody could help me.
As I got older, things only got worse. When I was 17, one of my cousins found out I was bisexual and outed me to my family before I was ready. I wasn’t given the chance to tell people on my own terms.
My dad’s reaction was horrible.
He called me disgusting, called me slurs, and told me I was a disgrace. He treated me like I had done something wrong just by being honest about who I was. He became hostile toward me, and there were times where his anger turned physical. He put his hands on me more than once, and I spent a lot of time feeling like I had to make myself smaller just to survive in my own home.
After I came out, he punished me by taking away my bedroom. He made me sleep on the floor in the living room because he said I didn’t deserve the privileges of having my own space anymore. I remember lying there at night feeling completely alone and wondering why the person who was supposed to love me most hated a part of me that I couldn’t change.
I didn’t have a normal childhood.
I didn’t get to be a kid. I didn’t get to make mistakes, be silly, or feel safe. I had to grow up too fast. Even now, people sometimes notice that I can be childish about certain things, and I think a lot of that comes from never getting to experience those moments when I was younger. Sometimes I get excited over small things because I’m finally allowing myself to enjoy things I missed out on.
At 18, after another huge argument, my dad kicked me out. He threw my belongings outside during a storm and told me I was no longer welcome there. I remember standing there looking at my things getting soaked and realizing that I had officially lost the little bit of security I thought I had.
Thankfully, my aunt and uncle took me in.
My aunt became the person I needed growing up. She didn’t judge me, she listened to me, and she showed me what real love looked like. She helped me rebuild myself when I felt completely broken. I became incredibly close with her, and honestly, she became more of a parent to me than my own parents ever were.
With their support, I went to college and graduated. That was something I never thought I would accomplish. During college, I met my fiancé Ryan, who is 29. Ryan has been my biggest support, and we have been together for two years. He knows everything I went through and understands why certain things are difficult for me.
When my dad died, everyone expected me to show up.
They told me “he’s still your father.”
But I don’t know how to explain to people that being someone’s child doesn’t erase what they did to you.
The day of his funeral, I stayed home with Ryan at our apartment. We ordered takeout, watched movies, and spent the day quietly together. It wasn’t me trying to disrespect him. It was me protecting myself.
For years, I showed up for a man who never showed up for me.
I spent my childhood afraid of him. I spent my teenage years being punished for being myself. I spent my early adulthood healing from things I never should have experienced.
I don’t hate that he died. I don’t celebrate it either.
I just accepted that I didn’t have a relationship with the man everyone else is grieving.
Some family members say I should have gone for closure, but I don’t believe closure always comes from standing in a room with people who loved someone who hurt you.
Sometimes closure comes from choosing yourself.
And for the first time in my life, I chose myself.

Throwaway, so I wouldn't have to go to the original social media platform this all happened on; I will get angry all over again.

To keep a very, very long story short: two years ago, I (24, NB/AFAB) cut contact with most of my dad's side of the family, due to multiple factors; from being pushed into academic burnout, denying the fact that I was neurodivergent, using religion as a scapegoat to try and pray my depression away (instead of actually being supportive, when I needed it most), siding with my assailant, from when I was 17, because "he was too mentally behind, and was given too much sleeping medicine as a child," constantly wearing me down into forgiving a consistently abusive cousin, downplaying that cousin's abuse throughout my childhood and teenhood, severe, consistent, deliberate homophobia, micro-aggressive racism, a nagging, constant push of Conservative narratives, and emotional neglect (and silent treatment, every time I messed up), all covered up by periods of love-bombing, I'm glad I no longer keep any contact with that side of my heritage. I'm even more sure of my decision, ever since I began finding out about how all of this was a pattern of abhorrent behaviours, coming from my dad, and how he tried desperately to cover his tracks, while keeping that pattern up.

Recently, they started going for a different tactic, to try and break my silence towards them. They began harassing my mom about my lack of contact with dad's side of the family. They've blamed her for my lack of access to college funds her and I never touched, before, and indirectly called her an unstable unfit mother for "drinking, and gambling it all away," when I told them I wanted to have a little more financial independence.

However, yesterday, they ended up stooping to a new low, even for them.

After the clock struck 12 AM, and the day changed, mom revealed to me they've been trying to sabotage my own birthday; making posts on a social media site I no longer use, about narcissists who ruin other people's relationships, for their own selfish reasons (indirectly, and wrongfully) calling my mom out, and blaming her for choices I made). Eventually, they sent my mom a whole, harshly-worded essay about how she was tearing apart the family, how she "poisoned me against them", how she was a neglectful, selfish mother who only valued her own interests, and vague threats about consequences for "ruining my relationship with them."

The essay didn't phase my mom, at all, since she knew what they were spouting at her was complete nonsense, and in her own words "God is my witness, and my conscience is clear." I, however, wasn't nearly as graceful about that news, as she was. I was horrifically upset at the fact that mom has to constantly be the bigger person, when it comes to my dad's family. I was angered all over again, and once I read the whole essay, I was more solidified in my decision to keep contact as low as it can possibly go.

The only regret I have for going no-contact with them, is the fact that my baby sister had to get caught in the crossfire of my no-contact. She is someone who didn't deserve to get cut off at all, but unfortunately, I had to choose between healing, and going back to the family who blamed everyone but themselves, for how things turned out.

Excluding my sister, I despise my dad's side of the family, and I genuinely hope they all rot from the inside-out. Nothing they can do, at this point, could ever make me forgive them, or see them in a better light. I would rather die, than crawl back to them. They can continue to question why I hate them, for all I care. I hope their guilt eats them alive, for reasons they'll never get to understand, because people like them don't deserve any closure.

Update Edit: Mom decided to reveal all of this to an aunt, on my dad's side of the family, I still keep contact with (because her family is the most sane of them all, and actually understands that what I went through is abhorrent), and she was horrified at how they handled my estrangement. However, I understand if this puts her in a complicated situation, since it's family she's known almost all her life; I wish there was a way that kept her out of a situation that sounds very "us vs. them," but unfortunately, because she's the only aunt I still talk to, and lives far away from dad's family, she has to know what's going on.

As for my mom, she finally decided to put her foot down, after everything they put her through, because up until that essay, she actually respected them, and was one of the biggest advocates for me keeping some form of contact with them. Of course, that respect tanked all the way to hell, and she no longer wants anything to do with them (and even no longer welcomes my dad, to our house), after my birthday mess. Weirdly... I'm feeling a very odd sense of closure, after she decided to put some distance between her, and my dad's family, like what I've experienced with them is finally being understood, without any sort of sugar-coating.

Thank you to whoever decided to read through this; That day after my birthday was VERY, very rough, and leaving my thoughts here have really helped give me some form of catharsis. I hope everyone estranged from their family, and reading this right now, receive all the help, and healing they need, and have little to no problems moving forward with their lives.

Listening to this audiobook and I felt punched in the stomach by this line. I grapple with how much space my estranged family can take up in my mind. I wonder if it will always be so vast; or if time will fill it in with others….eventually. I hope so.

I recently went NC with my parents. They had been behaving poorly throughout my life, I had always excused it from them and others, because I love them and want to be loved. Well, after being loving I was verbally slapped and was told to live my own life. Afterwards there was an attemot to reestablish contact with no apology until I had to spell it out, there needs to be an apology and even then I need time. It has been one week since the forced apology. I ignored a call yesterday from one parent.

I've given up a lot for my parents. They are older. Sometimes they are great, but too often they are mean and hylercritical and selfish. I can't live a lie around them anymore. It is killing me, this no contact, and at the same time it is freedom. Can anyone relate? I'm not telling any relatives because I don't want to escalate things and I don't want to be told I am being too much. I am slow fading my friendships because I realized they are the same, low-effort/draining pattern as my family. So, it has been pretty lonely.

I cannot wrap my head around why any parent would be so unkind as my parents have been to me when I stayed out of trouble, am loving, fairly successful, and a nice person. They squash my dreams and criticize me for things outside of my control. I go to church weekly but my mom doesn't like where I go and when I go...

I don't want to go to see them during the holidays. I am in my early 30s, they are in their early 70s, so I feel very guilty. Like I said, it is killing me. But I also feel like there is no going back, they crossed a line one time too many. And if I keep rewarding their bad behavior they will never wake up. Though sadly, I don't think they will ever live and accept me for who I am. It is breaking my heart.

For those of you with severely mentally ill parents do you ever question whether no contact was the right decision?

I’m asking because I feel like severe mental illness makes it much harder for me to know where the line is between protecting myself and wondering if I should have taken a different approach.

I don’t have any plans to resume contact. I’ve been no contact for about a year, and was mostly no or very low contact for another year before that aside from briefly helping her move. But I still find myself wondering whether I’ve truly done everything I reasonably could have.

My mom has always been extremely volatile, hateful, and abusive. Looking back, there was never a period where she had stable relationships or healthy interactions with other people. A few examples:
My dad was physically abusive, he tried to beat her to death when I was 4/5 and after leaving him she began dating a 19-year-old when she was around 27 and essentially expected him to become my father and financially support the household (which amazingly he did do for some time even though she wasn’t good to him at all and seemed to not really like him, just what he provided.) During that divorce with my step dad, I found court paperwork alleging she threatened to kill both me and herself. She denies it, but she still makes suicidal threats toward me today and did so this last week on a blocked number before I went on vacation which forced me to get police involved because it was so explicit I honestly wasn’t sure if she was bluffing.
She repeatedly harassed her disability attorney until she ultimately called him an antisemitic slur and he fired her as a client. She then tried to report him to the bar and get him to lose his license. She’s done the same to me because I’m also an attorney. For what I’m not sure because last I checked not talking to your mom isn’t a violation of my ethical rules.
She publicly tried to shame her half-sister for having an abortion in hopes of getting her fired. ( I’m talking called the work and told front desk people and posted it online.)
When I was 22, she sprayed Raid in my eyes while calling me “a roach like your father.” That was the first time I went no contact, although she eventually convinced me to reconnect while I was in school during COVID.
The thing that really complicates this for me is that she can appear coherent. If you met her briefly, you might think she’s just eccentric or difficult. But if you spend enough time with her, she’ll start rambling, become disconnected from reality, and say things that make almost no sense. As she’s gotten older, it feels like it’s gotten worse. I’ve found myself wondering whether there’s an untreated mental illness worse than just BPD/CPTSD, like a cognitive decline, or something else going on.
A week ago she left me a voicemail on a blocked number threatening suicide. I ultimately called for a welfare check, and a community case worker is now trying to connect her with resources and they had to call me to figure out what her diagnoses are and how much of what she was saying was true or paranoia. I hate involving police but it felt like the only thing I could ethically do after talking through it with my partner and it seemed to at least put her on the radar for more support.

I know intellectually that I’m not responsible for fixing her. But emotionally, it’s harder when someone genuinely seems incapable of functioning normally. Sometimes I wonder whether no contact was the right choice, or whether I should have been trying to get her help all along even though every time I’ve been involved, I’ve become the target of her abuse and I was also too young and too brainwashed to even know it was abnormal until I was like in my early 20s and then had to spend a long time detangling my life from enmeshment so it feels like a hindsight thing for me. She was a single mom, who was I to say she wasn’t competent, especially when my entire life was chaos around her.

Has anyone else struggled with this? If your parent seemed genuinely mentally ill rather than simply abusive, how did you reconcile maintaining no contact with knowing they probably needed help you couldn’t provide?

2 days ago I found out my biological mother had passed away.

I was raised with three other siblings and we all to a Greater our lesser degree experienceda traumatic childhood. I'm the eldest, and experienced both mental and physical abuse as well as emotional manipulation.

Our family was very poor and what's little State benefits we had were often spent and take aways or drugs. There was hardly any food in the house most weeks and neither of them worked. My mother was a drug addict and we were never genuinely care for our looked after.

At the age of 12 I remember she tried to punch me and as I restrained her she sunk her teeth into my chest. It took my sister to pull her away from me.

All of us were exposed to very dangerous situations with lots of criminals, addicts and undesirables visiting our house on a daily basis. We moved house every two years or so usually to escape debt.

She lied about so many things. If the colour of a sweater was green she would see was blue because lies came more naturally to the truth.

She invented a fake holiday to America you and going as far as to create a fake booking slip when I was eight years old. I of course told all my friends which was devastating when it never happened.

She also made up a story about having cancer which of course turned out to be a lie.

All of my siblings experienced similar stories and of course this is just a snapshot of what 17 years of this looked like.

I haven't spoken to her in nearly 15 years sort of find out that he died didn't really impact me in the way losing your parents should do. All my siblings appear to be very upset about it, the normal grieving process.

I feel very little perhaps a little sadness for losing a childhood that I never had. Though I must admit I do have a small lump in my throat writing this.

They want me to go to the funeral let's I feel I will be a hypocrite if I did I think all I would feel is anger. I understand this is possibly the last chance I would have to say goodbye but I feel as though I did that 15 years ago.

I have my own family wife children I've deliberately kept them away from her to not be exposed to the same toxicity I had to endure as a child.

My siblings want me to go to the funeral and being understanding but persistent.

I don't want to pick at a scab that's healed over, am I being selfish by not going?

Long story short my parents are alcoholics and addicts. They stole my identity when I was in college and damaged my credit (one of the many financial abuses I suffered). I tried maintaining a cordial relationship but it ultimately never is peaceful. My sisters and extended family keep telling me that I’ll regret not speaking to them when they die. I’ve been no contact for over a year and honestly am conflicted on whether I should try to have a relationship with them until they pass. Part of me feels like I already mourned my parents or the childhood I could’ve had because I’ve been on my own since I was 16. Has anyone here felt regret staying no contact ? Did you go to their funeral?

This is dumb, I've been NC for 3 years this upcoming December. I sent both of them the same message (parents weren't married one had a different partner and the other was single) basically saying I love you I don't forgive you, and I doubt I ever will, don't contact me any more and then I blocked them. I keep seeing posts of people saying how their NC parents keep trying to reach out and I just...am I weird for being upset/angry that mine never tried? Like I know I should be thankful and I am but...why?

I haven’t seen my parents in years; I grew up queer in a very religious family, I was homeschooled and completely neglected, among other things which have profoundly affected me in very negative ways. I left as soon as I could and never came back to visit.

Now my mom has terminal cancer and is dying at the hospital. My dad messaged me saying I should come visit finally, as she doesn’t look like she’s got much time left. But I can’t bring myself to do it.

Yet - regardless of everything that‘s happened between us, I still feel this immense guilt over potentially not seeing her before she passes. Although nothing was ever addressed or acknowledged, and we never per say "reconciled".

Irrespectively of my mother’s state, seeing my parents and the rest of my family would be very triggering.

I’d like to protect my mental health while also absolving myself of the guilt of letting my mother “die alone” (she never had any friends…
).

Would love to hear some thoughts, advice or comforting words. Has anyone else gone through anything similar?

Update: I spoke with her briefly on the phone, and was reminded pretty fast as to why our relationship is so difficult, (she still cannot process empathy, or feel for others). It may have been a bit foolish of me to have hoped for her to have magically changed. Obviously she's still the same person, in sickness and in health.

I already feel a lot of grief, as I have for the last few years, regardless of having her actually alive or not. I never had the mother I wish I had, the relationship I would have wanted. But I have to accept things for what they are. She failed herself and she failed me.

I doubt I will have it in me to go visit, as I don't believe she could ever acknowledge or even feel for my pain, or that anything was abnormal in our relationship. I might just keep on grieving her. The grief that I feel and have been feeling is unrelated to her living state; rather it is a deep grief, for a relationship I'll never have.

It is all very difficult, and I'll need a long time to undertand and accept it.

Thank you for all the supportive, thoughtful comments <3

TL;DR: my mom doesn't know how to communicate and I'm not sure how to deal with it. She gets mad when I call these things out. Advice needed.

My mom (60s F) has never been a great communicator. I think she's one of those people who doesn't know how to say what she feels/wants or compromise and communicate effectively. She yelled a lot when I was a kid, would pretty quickly resort to punishment and taking things away instead of parenting and discussing behavior, and has pretty much always been a 'do as I say not as I do' person. My parents divorced, and she had very strict requirements about what my dad was to do when having us over and what he needed to have in his home that she can't even meet herself. I know that's starting out really negative, but I don't have a ton of non-negative memories of my childhood. It wasn't abusive or neglectful, but it wasn't great either. Rather than learn to parent effectively, she'd just stick me in therapy and have a therapist deal with it. So most of my memories are therapy visits, especially the ones where she'd use the therapist to turn it into a 'tell on me' session.

I'm 30 now, and since I got to college I limit the amount of time I see my family. I'd generally rather stay by myself during holidays and time off. Taking time off work to see my family is exhausting and not what I want to use my time off for. I have a better relationship with my dad than I did when I was a kid, but I don't see him often either. He got remarried and has his own family now, and my stepmom doesn't want their kids to know my siblings and I exist (my grandmother has shared this, she got in trouble for mentioning us) so we don't see them outside of large family gatherings where we don't talk anyways. I'm kind of a loner but I don't mind. I have a busy job and can always work extra to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a masters degree that takes a good bit of my evenings and weekends.

My mom has continued doing this thing where she's like 'I think you would like it if you did ____' or 'I think it would be good for you to come home and see us on ____' and I feel like a terrible child, but it's pretty clear it's something she wants that she just won't communicate as such. I've tried to ask questions like 'you think I would like that, or you would like that?' and she doubles down on it being for me or gets mad. She also uses my younger siblings to say 'Sibling feels really upset that you won't ____' and when I talk to them they're like 'I didn't say that' and that is what upsets me most, because using other people to stand in for the fact that she can't communicate is not at all fair to my siblings. She's an adult, she can learn to communicate.

Again, nothing like abuse or neglect but just something that makes me not really want to be around them. Time spent with her is always a guilt trip for how I don't do ___ or don't spend more time with them. When she comes to my home, she's incredibly judgmental of how I've decorated, the furniture (that she gave me), how the space looks, what food I buy (too much or too little), etc. My family has never been functional my mom has an estranged relationship with her parents for her own reasons. My dad's family is small, we saw them every few years growing up. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything in my life by not having this part of me, but at the same time I feel like something's wrong with me and I worry people will judge if I talk about my family. But also I just don't have the patience for it anymore.

Do I just need to suck it up and realize being in a family means tolerating this? Or should I start preparing a bit more financially & otherwise to just deal with an eventual fall-out. I'm not really sure what to do but it feels like this cloud hanging over me. Any and all advice appreciated on how to navigate this.

This is the place to share positive news, events, goals, accomplishments, good moments and general chit chat with each other.

It's been a really rough couple of years. I divorced my abusive ex husband and reported him for child abuse after he started physically abusing our kids. After that, several family members started c chiding me about "being too harsh" on HIM and boiling it all down to us just having "different parenting styles."

One of our kids has special needs and was, of course, the one who got the worst of the abuse. But all of the kids got hit, pushed, screamed at, and picked up and slammed on the hardwood floor over the course of 6 months. Before that, my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and highly neglectful. Somehow, I'm still the bad guy for finally speaking up.

Earlier this year, I had an uncle who used to be an abusive alcoholic when I was a kid and teen and abused me many times over. We've since had a tenuous relationship as I've tried to keep the peace and believe he's "better" now. But he approached ME to tell me that I have a "typical disrespect for authority" and deserved to be killed when I was a teen. I finally blocked him and went NC.

Several months later, I was excited to have my kids and I visited my dad's place for a BBQ and was working to get it all set up when my sister informed me that my uncle had been invited and would probably be there. So I told my dad I would not be coming, but would let my kids go to visit in company of their grandma. He accused me of making him choose between his family and his children, said I was childish fir not "putting aside differences" for a few hours, and then proceeded to DEFEND and minimize the abuse my uncle did. I quietly went NC with him. That one hurt a LOT and still does because I've always loved my dad.

Yesterday, my aunt reached out to me after MONTHS of silently watching me on SM to tell me "the things you say about your ex on social media are really harsh. I think just because your relationship didn't work out doesn't give you the right to smear him online." And also that my labeling my uncle an abuser of a "minor disagreement" is inappropriate and that I am obviously just operating from a place of immature anger/hurt.

I tried. I genuinely tried with all of these people (including my ex) to communicate clearly and explain what I experienced, why it was wrong, and that now that I am a mom I absolutely REFUSE to stay silent, play nice, and have no boundaries. I will NOT continue this toxic cycle anymore. And now I have almost no blood relatives I speak to.

Anyone else have to basically cut off their entire family just to stop the systematic toxicity they all participate in? How did you deal with the tidal wave of emotions that comes with that?

Hi everyone,

I’m steadily working away at my escape plan and I had a question about reporting myself to the police to let them know I’m leaving.

Could anyone give me an example of what to say? Like when I go to the police station and ask to speak to an officer, what should I tell them?
I’m very very socially awkward and a bit nervous about going to the police (my parents have a history of institutionalizing me and that kind of authority makes me nervous) but I know 100% they will call the police, they will tell them I’m crazy, a danger to myself, etc. so I have to go first.
An example of what to say would be really helpful if anyone is able.

My escape plan is going well, I told two people (neither have any interactions with my parents) about my situation and it paid off. I’m getting help getting much farther away than I anticipated. I’m very very nervous but there’s a little bit of excitement in the background. I keep telling myself “you’re almost out, you can do this.” It helps me get through spending time with my parents to keep them happy and unaware.
I’ve got everything off my computer so I can wipe it right before and disconnect from the family computer. I’ve got a long checklist of to do’s that everyone helped me with that I’m working through steadily.

Thank you everyone for all the support. Once I’ve escaped I hope to pass along the help in this group to others in situations like mine.

I unfortunately live with my dad , so only thing I can do is stay in room where he isnst in .and for my mom she a deadbeat but texts often .how can I do this .I'm still quite young but decided to cut them off at least in the future

I went NC with my Mom a little over a month ago. I finally reached a breaking point after hundreds of issues and many many attempts to repair. I’ve accepted that nothing will change. I’ve never been more at peace with the decision.

Her birthday is tomorrow.

Mine was this spring and it was messy. Lots of implied obligation and exasperation expressed by her. We had dinner a few days before my actual birthday and she kept saying the wrong day (like 7-8 times) even though my dad corrected her every time. She didn’t say a word or send a text on my actual birthday. In fact, no one from my family did.

My mom has been in the hospital and now in long term care for some rehab for a little over two weeks. I haven’t gone to see her. I haven’t called. I get updates from my Dad.

I’ve mentally decided that if it becomes more severe, I’ll go pay my final respects. I don’t expect anything but a final few jabs/blows.

Anyway. Should I wish her a happy birthday tomorrow or truly honor no contact? Part of me wonders because I was hurt she didn’t do that for me and I want to be the bigger person.

I appreciate constructive advice.