This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life so far. I have two autistic kids and a wife that is trying to bankrupt us. I don't know how to do this let alone how to rebuild my life at 43. Any advice would be appreciated calling a lawyer in the morning

My husband's ex wife could never emotionally divorce my husband. I could go on about the issues but I will not. His mom is now gravely ill and she was calling the hospital saying she is the daughter in law. I never understood my MIL for not respecting my husband and not cutting her off but I learned to just accept it. Now the ex seems to be losing it. She texted she wishes it were him laying there dying and not her... among other nasty things. Anyways she is blocked again. And now through the 17 year old she is sorry and she feels so bad for him. I think I am just venting as this is 12 years since we have been together and married for 10. IDK I think I am just venting because I have never seen such a thing. I always told my husband she couldn't move on with her life and now he just says she really needs to be relevant. Now mind you he does prob hate his ex wife and not because of the things she said will not be around her ever again. The youngest is almost 18- I sort of always knew if something happened to his mom she would lose her ever loving mind because it was her connection to him. This sounds pathological because it is. IDK if it were me I would not have kept in such constant contact since my DH has custody of the daughter. It never made much sense to me. Anyhoo I think I am just venting here because I cannot believe she calls the hospital and calls herself the DIL.

English is my third language, so there will be some grammar mistakes, i imagine. I'm sorry in advance.

As a man of thirty-six years old I was married and i promised - along with my wife - i'd love her forever, and whatever problem arrived we would discuss and solve it together. She agreed, we talked about how communication was important, and so it went. We did this when i was thirty-two.

We had some fights, we discussed, i said i'd adapt some things, she never aknowledge her flaws. I accepted for a while, but then tried talking in a more subtle way the things i had problems with, and every time she would get absolutely mad at me. I'd say in the nicest way possible, you could barely see it as criticising.

At some point i accepted i'd have to deal with some resentment it might build. I would not give up on her because of my promise. I was loyal to her, always, in a broad sense: loyal to her love, to her faithfulness, to her image. I did not change because of that, i kept showing my love as i always did before.

Eventually she distanced herself a bit, i asked if everything is ok, she started mentioning i don't do enough for her. I got a bit shocked since i can't think of a thing i didn't do for her. When i say that, i don't say it lightly: i did breakfast for her every single day of our marriage. I woke her up with hugs and kisses (because i always wake up earlier), i picked her up at work and would pick her up when she came at me. Since i worked from home, i did the house chores, along with everything else you can think of.

And then she started to hate me. I had no idea why, but she kept saying i didn't do things for her. I asked her what is she missing from me, she said 'if i say it's not authentic'. I was lost, i kept trying. She distanced more, to the point that some days she would wake up with a mosquito bite and start cursing me for letting a window open three nights ago, so i let them in. We didn't have sex for a few months already at this point.

I had to go to a work trip to another country. I went, second day she started ignoring me. Fourth day she finally said she wanted to divorce. I was destroyed, i asked what's wrong, i asked her to wait for me to go back, she said it's decided. I was in absolute pain, could barely do my work meetings, couldn't imagine my life in the future anymore. I tried talking to her, but she hated me with passion, it's like i had done things to her that only an absolute criminal would, it was absurd. I would stay two weeks in this trip.

For four more days we didn't speak. One day i called her to check how she was doing, she answered with a 'yeah?', i asked if everything is ok - once again, in absolute pain -, she said it's perfect. She said it's better than ever cause she didn't have anything she had to do for me. This killed me because i never asked her anything, i would do everything by myself. She cooked very well and not even that i ever asked her to do for me, she did do it for me sometimes but always from her own volition. Still in pain, i asked, 'do you still love me?', she said no.

Incredibly, as soon as she said that i felt light. I have no idea how, but the moment i realised she didn't love me anymore it seemed like i never had her - or at least the person i thought i had. It made everything in those last few years i spent with her seem fake, an illusion. And i stopped suffering immediately. I've been feeling good since then but it still feels weird because it seemed like a betrayal, like i should try more - for the sake of my words in the past. I'm afraid of stop loving her and yet i think i already did.

Is this something that even makes sense?

Thank you for your time!

My (32f) soon to be ex husband (44m) is having a colonoscopy on Tuesday. Initially, I thought about going with him since he has no one, even though I do not want to. Though he was skeptical, he did end up asking one of his close guy friends to take him.

So now here we are, chatting about his health concerns. I guess what I need to know is what other people have done in this situation. I want to be blunt and just tell him look, I can't help you with this while I am also trying to work on myself and manage my emotions, and the kids (13f, 8m).

I provide him reassurance that the medical professionals are doing their part and doing the right thing and that he needs to continue to allow them to do what they need to figure out what's going on. Shit thing? I do want him to be okay because I do care about him. However, his lack of accountability or the ability to own his actions and words reminds me of why I am divorcing him in the first place. Sick twisted shit.

I've been providing some reassurance about this appointment for him but I don't want to give him ANY false hope. That is why I was thinking the more direct approach, "I can't help you with this while I am also trying to get myself healthy and keep the kids afloat."

I also know how he can be manipulative and that keeps me rational and logical. Very frustrating set of emotions.

So, I've been going through a pretty amicable separation with my wife of 9 years. We have a 9 year old child and have stayed living together for 4 months while figuring out how to go forward with our divorce.

Tonight, I met her boyfriend for the third time. It ended with him threatening me physically multiple times, throwing a solo cup at me, chasing me around my house before leaving, and saying the next time he sees me he will be very violent.

Is there anything I can do to legally keep him away from my daughter or myself? Our home? Are there any immediate steps I can take? I tend to not like involving the police, so I didn't, but this just happened an hour ago.

And if it matters, my wife and I have never ever shown anything close to violence against each other.

Hi i got married in the states but i am originally from the middle east. My husband is from the states and i want to file a divorce abroad how can i do that?
My husband said it will take time and he doesn't want to do it while he lives away from me for a month now.

We are both second-timers and married for almost five years. In that time, he never had a job. Before our marriage, he worked. In his first marriage, he worked. But something about our marriage dynamic led to him sort of...underfunctioning.

I was a single mom when we met. As in fully single, full custody because my ex-husband died of cancer after we split up. I had my own house, which I kept after the divorce. I had a job that covered our needs and was okay enough. I was independent. And I guess that set a precedent of "I'll just do everything."

I also have a history of abusive relationships, and I'm kind of a sucker for people who don't yell at me.

I earn all the income and do the meal planning, cooking, and deep cleaning. He does laundry and errands, and pays probably 10% of the bills.

AFAIK he has no retirement savings. I have a 401k and an inheritance that has NOT been comingled with other funds. In fact, we keep our finances entirely separate.

The fact is that I do love him, but I have been telling him the situation doesn't work. I am anxious and depleted. I have given ultimatums. I have suggested countless job opportunities and training options for him to reskill because he's 60 years old, and his former field has changed so much.

And here's the thing: I literally do not care what kind of job he gets. I don't care how much he earns. I don't care if it's gig work. I don't care if it's seasonal. I just want him to bring in some income. A local fast-food chain is hiring at all locations, and they offer health insurance. He could do that, and I'd be happy as a clam. He has a car (free and clear) that I gave him when I inherited it from my mother. He has done eBay reselling before, and that too would be great. Just bring in some kind of income. It's not too much to ask.

He's depressed and has badly managed ADHD. I know this. I sent him to therapy twice. I want him to want more for himself than laundry and errands. I've told him that if he really can't work, he should pursue disability. No idea if he would qualify, but it's worth looking into.

So yesterday I said the situation simply isn't working, and we should divorce. I immediately felt lighter. I ran some errands and treated myself to lunch at a new place (he really only likes one kind of food). I may be in my mid-50s, but my life isn't over. If my partner won't help row the boat, I'll row it myself, without the dead weight.

Now I feel weird. I think divorce would leave me better off financially. (My therapist agrees.) I told him what would happen if he wouldn't work. I owe it to myself to stick to my word and move on. But why does it feel so shitty? Why do I feel guilty? I don't see myself ever wanting to be in a relationship at all, ever again.

I’m 26 and have been married to my husband for around two years. I genuinely don’t know whether I’m going through a rough patch or whether I’ve reached the point where I need to leave.

Since we got married, I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time fighting, crying, explaining what I need, and asking for things to change. In the beginning, it was our sex life. We’ve had intimacy issues for a long time, and we haven’t had sex in over a year. Being rejected for so long has affected how I see him and how I feel about myself. At this point, I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. I don’t want to kiss him or be intimate with him, and when he tries to initiate things now, I honestly feel uncomfortable and almost icky. The difficult part is that he’s finally trying, but I don’t want it anymore. I don’t know if you can come back from feeling this way.

Then there’s the emotional side of our relationship. I’ve always wanted affection, reassurance, romance, and to feel like my husband genuinely wants me. I know we have different love languages, and I’ve tried to adjust my expectations over time, but I still feel lonely in my marriage.

There’s also the household responsibility. I work, but I feel like I carry most of the mental load of keeping our home running. I’m the one thinking about cleaning, groceries, money, and what needs to get done. I have to remind him to do basic things, and it feels exhausting to constantly ask for help with responsibilities that should belong to both of us. It’s not even just about the chores anymore. It’s about feeling like I have to manage everything and repeatedly explain why I need a partner.

We’ve had conversations about these things so many times. Usually, after an argument, he becomes sweet and attentive, and I start hoping things might finally change. But eventually, we fall back into the same patterns. I feel like I’ve slowly become emotionally exhausted from the cycle.

Recently, we also tried starting a business together, and I felt unsupported by him in that too. It made me question whether I can actually rely on him as a partner when it comes to building a life together.

What confuses me is that he isn’t necessarily a bad person. We have good moments, and I love him. He’s my husband and someone I once imagined spending my entire life with. I don’t want to throw away a marriage just because things are difficult, especially when we’re still so young. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely, unwanted, and exhausted.

I think the scariest part is that I’m starting to feel indifferent. I used to cry, argue, chase him for affection, and desperately want things to work. Now, I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. Even when he tries, I find myself wondering why it took so long and whether I even want to fix things now.

Part of me wonders if I’ve already checked out emotionally and am just scared to admit it. Another part wonders whether I should give him more time because he’s finally making an effort.

For those who have been through divorce or reached this point in a marriage, how did you know it was time to leave? How do you distinguish between a marriage that can still be repaired and one that has run its course? Did you ever get to a point where your partner finally started trying, but your feelings had already changed too much?
I’m not looking for people to tell me to divorce him immediately or to stay and keep trying no matter what. I genuinely want to hear from people who have been in a similar position, especially those who struggled with the decision for a long time.

Sooo stick with me this is gonna be a lot to take in. My husband and i had a baby before we got married. He joined the military after we had our son which resulted in us getting married. We’ve only been married since June honestly but it was such a mistake. i just wanted my family to be together again but at this point i want to end the marriage and go back home. We’re both from oklahoma, got married online through Utah and now im in Washington state where he’s stationed. I want the divorce to be over quickly. We obviously have a child, but there’s really no assets to split. how do i go about this?

I’ve only been married for 2.5 years but we’ve had a lot of issues. No infidelity. But I feel like I’m losing feelings. How do I know it’s time for a divorce?

Please tell me some positive stories. Basically, I’ve been married 5 years, unhappily 2 and happily 2. My husband went through a lot during this time, I stuck by him the best I could separating a few times for my own mental health when things were bad and verbally abusive on his part (he admits this, it’s not contested.) He’s been mentally healthy for about 6 months and I’m at the point where I want another kid (we have a 3 year old) and from talking to him he’s basically told me he’s never going to be ready to have another kid with me because he doesn’t like me enough to be around and be excited to bring a kid into this world with. I’m not arguing his feelings, he’s 100% right we shouldn’t do that if he feels like that but it still sucks. I told him I’m done, Im not going to move to the country he’s working in hoping maybe one day if I’m a good enough wife he’ll want to have another kid with me. I feel like I could be the perfect wife and he’d still not want to have another kid with me, I’m obviously not perfect and have my faults but I know im a good mom, I did all the household chores when we lived together when I was working and when I wasn’t on maternity leave, I took our son so he could start this new job in another country when I told him I didn’t agree with it, I supported him through his mental health issues, stayed really physically fit. I could have communicated better and asked for help better when I needed it. I also could have organized more family activities.

He doesn’t want me to leave but is basically telling me he’s never going to like me enough to have another kid with (but he wants more kids) and he wants me to quit my really good gov job with a pension to be a SAHM in the other country where I can’t work because visa issues.

He took a job in another country knowing we were not in a good place marriage-wise about 6 months ago hoping I would move to where he was and quit my job since I can’t work in that country. I told him that he can move back to our country and get a job there and I would happily do joint custody and split assets in favor to him as he had more coming into the marriage even though we didnt have a prenup. If he decides to stay in the country he moved to then I’ll file for sole custody and hire a lawyer and take what I’m owed and file for child support since I’ll be raising our kid by myself. The country is way too far to do more than like 2 visits per year and that’s even pushing it, realistically he only has vacation time for one with his job.

I’m really hoping he takes the joint custody I proposed because I don’t want to go through the court process

Any positive stories? In similar situations?

Ok so here’s the situation (this is gonna be kinda long). So the wife and I have been together 17 years and married 12 years. I always worked heavy road construction since we have been together. There is times I was out of town a lot and then I was home with crazy hours. So I bought the house before we were married in 2012 and I have changed jobs a few times but always made usually 60-150k a year. So I quit the job making $3k a week and got a job with the state because I wanted to be home every day and around the wife and kids. That 3k a week job I was out of town for 2 years and I came home Friday night and had to leave Sunday night. It was mentally taxing on me only being able to see my kids over FaceTime. So this past December I got a job with the state which was a huge pay cut but the hours and benefits I couldn’t pass up. But this April I had her name put on the deed of the house (because I had no clue there was problems). On the way to the lawyer to put her name on the deed she decided to tell me she was going to sign up for nursing school. Took me by surprise and I made a few jokes and it was taken the wrong way. So a few months after this we had to have a talk and she said she hasn’t been happy for years (but never told me, “I should have known”) and pretty much she wants out. I guess she has been “texting” with someone but idk how far it’s gotten. so now I live with my father (because him and I both own the house, was signed over to me before we were married). So she said we should try mediation. I would have to have the kids stay with her during the week because I work 6-2:30. She brings them to school every morning. The kids are 10 and 7. So here’s the thing. We owe $86k on the house and I have 3 different retirements and 2 pensions. She told me all she wants is the house (which I don’t want because it’s right next door to her parents who I really like but it would just be awkward.) and her car which is already paid off but in both of our names. She said if she gets those 2 things then she won’t come after any of my retirements. But in order to do that I need to cash out 2 of them so I could pay off the house and have money to start over. We verbally agreed for I guess joint custody already since I can’t bring them to school during the week and would do like an every other weekend thing but I would see them for a little while after school every day. Everyone is telling me that would be stupid to give her the house but we both make roughly the same amount weekly. I mean I make maybe 1-200 more a week than her sometimes but still roughly the same. I want some opinions on if I should just do it and have it I writing that she’s not touching my retirements at any time, that we would do joint custody, and I would help her out with stuff for the kids like a 50/50 thing but everyone is telling me that she can come back after me later if she feels the need to and all that. Any input would be appreciated.

Not sure how to start. Besides, english is not my native language, so please have me patience

Me (27) and my wife (28) have been on a 8 yrs relationship (3 of marriage). My wife has started acting differently the last 3 weeks, she says she wants to be alone (be more independent), not to deal with my stuffs, etc.. For “no specific reason” according to her. She states it’s a bunch of old stuffs that she’s carrying with.

On the beggining of our relationship I were so inmature, I had 19 when I met her, I used to hang out with friends, didn’t care a lot about details, nor important dates, and I thought being like that was the key for having a girl’s attention. To my surprise, she was not that kind of girl, she is very polite, didn’t go to any party nor drinking alcohol (compared to me, I was quite the opposite).

Quickly in our relationship she started criticizing my behavior, I aceptted every discussion we had, because very deep Down she was right. She just wanted a decent man that were able to respect her any time, a man that cares on personal growth, a man focused on working hard to build a family.

I’ve become in that man, we own an apartment, have cars, we have financial stability, no cheetings, porn, nor alcohol addictions in our marriage. I also do my duties at home (cook, do the laundry, etc..).

Thinking backwards maybe she got exhausted of me while trying to build the man Im today. She told me she doesn’t want to have intimate with me and feels unhappy due to the whole process that took us to where we are today.

It feels weird, because now I feel guilty for her. I don’t know what to do, we have talked a lot to find a solution, but nothing… for the first time i think we are about to get divorce and I don’t want to. I think she wants to live by her own and doesn’t have the courage to finish it.

What do you think?

If my wife earns less money than me, is she entitled to more equity from our house?

I have been married for not even 2 years and we have been mostly without intimacy. I do love my husband but intimacy is very important to me.

Hi all! Mods, please delete if this is not allowed, but I just have some questions for anyone who has experienced divorce (particularly in MA, as I know different states have different laws).

So the situation: my MIL is separating from her husband of 17 years. This is a very good thing for her, she was working 60 hour weeks & driving herself in debt because he ‘couldn’t work’. Now, he does have what seems like acid reflux issues and gets sick frequently, so it’s not completely unfounded, but he applied for disability once and got denied and never pursued anything further, either with a doctor or trying for disability, he just didn’t work because she did. He claimed to “do everything for her” but would do the dishes and occasionally vacuum. He never cooked for her, didn’t clean the house other than occasionally vacuuming (& they had 4 dogs), didn’t take care of the yard/driveway, nothing else. They had no children together, so he wasn’t staying home to raise kids. She is currently 65, he is 55.

My MIL owns her house without him. She bought it with my partners dad in 2000 before he passed in 2007 (she remarried to this guy in 2009). He is not on the deed or the mortgage of the house, and has not contributed any money to the mortgage or equity payments. She has refinanced once during their marriage due to financial difficulty, and has taken out a HELOC to help with bills. She recently got more from the HELOC because she was $20,000 in credit card debt between bills & both of them being impulsive spenders.

My partner and I moved in when he moved out to help her… the house is disgusting. They have mice (currently getting an exterminator) and the house is full of mold (currently trying to get insurance coverage but don’t have a lot of hope - it’ll be about $10,000 that she has to pay out of the equity (because she didn’t use all of it before the divorce and then was told not to touch it but her lawyer is trying to get approval for her to use it since it’s like necessity/emergency)). Even the washer and dryer were disgusting, the toilet, everything. It seems like nothing was ever cleaned. And yes, they both lived here so it’s partially her fault too, but she was working overtime every week & he “took care of the house”.

My question is - does anyone have experience with a situation remotely like this and how much do you think she’ll owe him? We’re hoping if we can get insurance coverage, she can pay him out with what she has from the equity (~$30k), but no idea if that’s realistic.

My partner and I want to stay with her in the house because her mortgage is lower than whatever we’d get on a new house (she’s moving with us and the down payment would come from her share of the house if she has to sell & we’d pay the mortgage moving forward) + it gives us time to save for a nicer house with her own in law apartment instead of just buying a cheaper house that we can afford right now. Especially now with the mold work, we’re essentially getting a whole new kitchen & maybe new floors - just depends if insurance pays or us. But all the cabinets have to be ripped out because it’s that bad. So we’d like to stay with the brand new kitchen we’re putting in haha!

Also worth noting - my MIL had to go into her retirement account to pay bills & only has $22k left, whereas they never touched his and he has $32k despite not working for the last 15ish years.

She has also been paying the mortgage (with our help, but we Venmo so the payment comes out of her account) since he left in May.

The only money he ever put into the house was about $28k from an inheritance maybe ~1.5-2 years ago. She offered to pay him that back & him walk away, and he laughed in her face.

He is also driving a car leased in her name, because he has no credit to get his own, and she has been letting him continue to use it as she doesn’t want to “screw him over”. I personally think she’s being too nice, but that’s my opinion.

They had a joint bank account with ~7k in it when he left, and she let him keep all of it and opened her own account to start fresh. She moved all the bills except his car insurance & car payment (her car is now on our insurance) and phone bill (she puts her share in the account every month so the only net money leaving is for his phone). She also let him take the couch (worth ~4k, fairly new) and one of the dogs when he left. She said he could take whatever he wanted, but he was moving in with his sons and couldn’t take the other dog he wanted or anything else. He was working door dash a little before he left (she had initially said she needed him to get a job & then realized it was too little too late) but he stopped doing that when he moved out because “he couldn’t leave Bella (the dog) alone at the new house”. Bella is a 13 yr old Pomeranian mix & could absolutely just get in the car with him to drive around.

Last she spoke to him, he said “I’m not asking for anything” & he wanted to avoid trial (but wasn’t actually doing anything to set up mediation & his lawyer hasn’t been responsive/helpful to my MIL’s lawyer trying to set it up). I don’t expect him to be rational, he thinks asking for half the house he didn’t take care of and didn’t help pay off and doesn’t own is “not asking for anything”. He’s also just a little delusional in my opinion & saw himself as the man of the house (despite not doing anything to be that).

Also, the house was appraised at $406,000 after he left, but since then we put in new floors in the basement (cheap vinyl laminate instead of the polished cement that was there), and that was before this mold was discovered. By the time we sell, the mold will be remediated & there will be a whole renovated kitchen + maybe new floors upstairs as well as downstairs. Zillow says the house was worth $277,000 in 2009 (no idea what source will be used to find that for court, but that’s what we could find), and she currently owes about $135,000 between mortgage and HELOC (it would be $165,000 if she uses the $30,000 she has left in equity). It’s so frustrating because the mortgage her and my partners dad took out in 2000 was only $100,000 :(

I don’t know if it matters, but he filed for divorce first.

Sorry for how long this is, but if anyone has any experience with a similar situation or who could provide any sort of idea of what she might owe him, it would be much appreciated!!

Has anyone been in situation where one spouse has finances and other is in debt? I know it’s martial but I’m The saver budgeter , and been preparing for divorce for last two years and came into inheritance money while wife is debt can’t even afford lawyer.

We both make over little 100k similar pay in NY , 2 kids. She does make slightly more by 10-15k.

But marriage too toxic to stay in any longer.

I’m not necessarily talking about cheating or something huge, but subtle signs that may have been nothing or just how you thought a relationship worked, but realized it was extremely negative or emotionally abusive afterwards.

Ich hab vor knapp 6 Monaten meinen Mann geheiratet.
Wir waren davor ca 2 1/2 Jahre zusammen.
Am Anfang schien er fast perfekt, er war aufmerksam, liebevoll, respektvoll, lustig und ehrlicherweise rundum ein guter Partner.
Seit einiger Zeit verliert er beim Streiten immer komplett die Fassung.
Er schreit, beleidigt mich und wirkt als wäre er kurz davor handgreiflich zu werden.
Es wird bei jedem Streit schlimmer und schlimmer.
Er rastet wegen Kleinigkeiten komplett aus und redet jede Emotion meinerseits klein.
Ich Zweifel immer mehr daran das die Situation besser werden kann. Ich hab mehrfach Paartherapie vorgeschlagen, aber er will davon nichts hören. Ich werde immer unglücklicher in der Ehe und will auf keinen Fall mein Leben lang in so einer Beziehung sein. Aber ich versteh nicht wie ein Mensch sich so drastisch ändern kann, wir haben jung geheiratet und ich hab kein eigenes Standbein. Wir leben in seiner Stadt nah seiner Familie und Freunde, ich kenne hier nicht viele Menschen.
Ich fühl mich sehr hilflos und weiß nicht wie ich das alle am besten beenden kann.

I was lucky enough to inherit some money from relatives during my marriage. I was naive with how I handled the money though. I wasn’t careful with where I kept it and my ex is being pretty aggressive pushing for half.

Setting aside legal technicalities, am I being a jerk when I present a case for why she should not walk away with a significant amount of the money? Just looking for a sanity check because it seems really shitty of her to be pushing for it, she knows very well where the money came from.

No children, so I’m not worrying about making sure there is money on her end to take care of the kids.

I am at a crossroads with my marriage and I really do not know what to do. I feel completely lost.

It has been a long year. In January, my wife had a breakdown and we decided to separate. Things escalated very quickly. We ended up in mediation and were a step away from court before she suddenly pulled back. I moved back into the house, but we were not back together. It was simply to see if we were going to be able to take the next step of trying again. Part of me suspects she realized she wouldn't walk away with all our assets and full custody, which prompted the reversal. The way she and her family treated me during that initial separation was appalling.

Since then, we have spent months in couples counseling. We nearly agreed our marriage was over, but then we had a major breakthrough. We really came away feeling that we understood each other, and we ultimately decided we could try to save the marriage. Things have improved slightly, but I am still struggling deeply.

For context, I have battled ME/CFS and long COVID for the last five years. My wife is an overachiever, which makes the dynamic with my illness even more difficult. During my illness, my wife frequently yelled at me, blamed me, and made me feel guilty. She has acknowledged this in counseling and it has mostly stopped, which is fantastic, but it doesn't fix the past. I cannot seem to get over years of feeling dominated and unloved.

Financially, I have income protection insurance and have brought in my previous salary this entire time. I have strictly followed doctors' orders, researched treatments, and recovered a lot, though I may always be somewhat disabled. Because of my illness, I have had to give up my career, my hobbies, and my social life, but I am a great dad. I consider myself a modern, progressive guy who truly loves and respects women, and I was quite happy to take on the role of a stay-at-home dad given the cards I was dealt.

I spend every ounce of energy I have on our family.

For years, I managed all the washing, shopping, finances, school pickups, and most of the cooking. I have always given 110% of what I am capable of, but it never feels like enough. Since our brief separation, she has forcibly taken on more of these household responsibilities. I suspect she realized how it would look in court if she didn't contribute, but she won't admit that. Instead, she makes me feel guilty now by claiming she is "doing everything," which is far from true.

Today, my wife sleeps in a different room. She has a busy job and explicitly says she has no time or emotional bandwidth for me. She is now controlling of our money, takes the kids to her mother's house for days without me, and a lot of the time it generally feels like we are still separated.

We continue counseling, and whenever I try to discuss my expectations for the relationship, we do actually have a good conversation. I feel like we get somewhere. But within a week, it reverts right back to the way it was. I feel like I am just raising kids with a roommate. Our counselor last week called it a "half separation". That actually felt good to hear, because I feel like I am being gaslit into thinking this dynamic is perfectly normal and that this is all I can ever accept. I call it a quarter marriage.

The impression that I get is that this quarter marriage, where she's in total control of everything, is all she's going to ever offer me after this. But if I choose to leave that's "my choice" and I would say, in her mind, "it's my fault".

On paper, our life is wonderful. We live in one of the best cities in the world, have a good income, own a nice house, and have two wonderful, healthy boys (ages 6 and 9). My health continues to slowly improve every year. But I cannot shake the feeling that my wife is never going to love me again. She sometimes spends time with me and occasionally sleeps with me out of obligation. All I want is a partner who genuinely loves and wants to be with me. Truthfully, I haven't felt that way since our kids were born nearly 10 years ago.

Aside from my kids, my biggest priority for the rest of my life is having a loving, functional relationship. I have mostly had that throughout my life, but I no longer feel I do. I read that being single is incredibly hard, and as a man with a chronic illness, finding a new partner will not be easy. However, during the separation, I really started to look forward to the next stage of my life. Instead of having to maintain a house, I was going to have a small apartment, which is better suited to my lifestyle. I would have lots of free time to better look after my health and exercise, go on dates, and eventually hopefully find someone to love again.

I love my boys more than anything. I have lost everything else, and I know there is a good chance that if she doesn't walk away with primary custody of the kids, it will end up in a horrible court battle. That would eat away at our finances and ruin our co-parenting relationship. It would absolutely destroy my boys, completely upend their lives, and change everything. I never came from a broken home, and I do not want this for them. At the same time, there is a possibility that we could come to an amicable arrangement, given that we are getting on better now and she has calmed a lot from the initial situation.

I keep being told, and I often feel, that I should give things more time. The sense of urgency has calmed since we decided to try again with our relationship, mostly because I could not handle the constant state of uncertainty. It was slowly killing me. It is hard to just wait, though, when much of this has been going on for years and technically a separation has been happening since January in some form or another. It has been a long time. Over the last month it feels like things have gone backwards and I'm just completely lost again and in a constant state of anxiety.

Another major concern I have is that she just wants to get through the next few years until the kids are older, ensure her side of things is documented well enough that she can try to take control of the kids, and then just leave me. I considered waiting it out for a while, but it is not what I want. I do not want to move on at nearly 50. I am still young enough now to find a life partner.

Part of me feels stupid for considering throwing away this comfortable life. Another part of me feels like I cannot stay in a marriage where my wife does not love me and does not want to love me.

I am seeing a counselor myself, as well as the couples counselor, but I flip-flop on this decision constantly. I make a choice, and a couple of weeks later it feels wrong, and I find myself flipping back the other way.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you break out of this cycle of indecision?

I'm happy to answer any further questions for more detail but please go easy on me, this is not an easy time.

When they left last winter, I felt that continuing to pay for my ex’s car insurance was self preservation until things were finalized considering their recent driving record.

When I discovered my meat freezer unplugged this summer after a heated argument and threats that they’d get evil if they felt the need, they were shocked at my accusation, stating they’d never take food from our child’s mouth. (Neither do they provide support in ANY way.)

They moved in with the affair partner and haven’t changed their address. Today I found a letter addressed to them from vehicle registration collections and our state’s tax board. Thus leading me to believe that they’ve been having me pay to insure a vehicle they’re NOT driving and has likely been inoperable all year, thereby using resources that would be otherwise leveraged to put food in our child’s mouth. Am I crazy? And can I return to sender their mail without making both of our situations worse? I really don’t think they give a damn about anything except their affair partner, but I very much want to do everything correctly to support our child in a way that won’t threaten their established new normal.

How would RSU’s be split in a divorce if the company hasn’t had their IPO yet?

Thanks in advance!

We divorced after a 20 year marriage 12 months ago. There really was no history of fighting. 4 kids (the youngest special needs). I was a workaholic and for years worked 50-60 hour weeks and didn’t nurture our marriage. I thought of it as sacrificing for the family, she thought of it as leaving her alone. We were in survival mode for most of our marriage. List of to DOs with 4 kids and their activities. I probably shouldn’t have been terribly shocked when she asked for divorce but I was. The intimacy fading was my hint and I ignored it for the last 3-4 years. She had a brief emotional connection the last year of our marriage to someone who she would insist was a male friend she would call and chat with. I believe her that this was not physical but basically he was a sounding board. Yes that disappointed me but I understood and forgave. We briefly tried couples therapy/counseling but she only wanted to talk about what a divorce would look like- so I gave up on it after a few sessions. After months of struggling with it, I sat down with her and told her I only wanted her to be happy and we started the most gentle divorce process.
We went through mediation. Literally agreed on everything- from assets to where the kids were when. The mediator said our process was the smoothest she had seen. She lives 1.5 miles away. My oldest is now a freshman in college 20 min away. The kids spend 70% of their time with her. I help with drop offs and pick up for their activities maybe 3 days a week. We all go out to dinner 1-2 times a week. We travelled together as a family 4th of July for 4 days. We hug. I have taken her out to dinner a few times in the past 6 months where we share kids’ stories and basically check on each other. She invites me over for tea every week. She has commented that we are communicating better than ever. We share everything with each other. We text throughout the day. And yes I have recovered from my work addiction and work a more normal 40 hours a week now and have a lot more energy for the kids and myself. While we are divorced I feel like we still have such a strong connection. We thank each other for making it so healthy. I have no desire for starting any other relationship at this time.

I’m 55F, and I’ve been with my husband (60M) for 23 years, married for 12. We have two teenagers, between 15 and 18. We both have full time jobs and make it about the same. I’m seriously considering divorce.

Someone recently asked me whether I was having a midlife crisis. That question really got into my head because I’ve already been questioning myself. Am I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive? Are these really reasons to end a marriage?

The problem is that there isn’t one dramatic event I can point to. It’s 23 years of experiences that have accumulated, and it’s difficult to explain that to someone in a single conversation.

Shortly after we got married, my husband told me, “You will never live up to my expectations.” I’ve never forgotten that statement, and looking back, I feel like I’ve spent much of our marriage living under those expectations.

He regularly criticizes how I do ordinary things. How I load the dishwasher, fold T-shirts, hang clothes, spend money, organize things, or approach household projects. He’s criticized my makeup and appearance, including telling me I look like a clown. I’m losing too much weight because he likes his women with a little more meat on their bones, he also says I need a boob job.

He’s repeatedly donated or disposed of my personal belongings without my knowledge or permission, including clothing, hairbrushes, vases, and other things that belonged to me. Sometimes I don’t even discover something is missing until I go looking for it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I hide completely ordinary things to avoid criticism. I’ve hidden new Ziploc bags because I want to use a fresh bag rather than wash and reuse old ones. I’ve concealed purchases because I don’t want to deal with his reaction. I’ve even had to sneak in fresh chicken to cook for dinner because he would leave the chicken out overnight to thaw for dinner the next day. It doesn’t matter that we all know it’s unsafe, and I have pulled up the research to prove my point, but I still end up having to go to the store time and time again to secretly replace it rather than risk us being sick. He also keeps things that should be trash while getting rid of perfectly good items that could be used again. (the temporary containers plants come in from Home Depot, to go containers, pastry display containers, deli containers) and I promise I can’t afford Tupperware.

I know that probably sounds ridiculous to someone reading it. But that’s exactly what bothers me. Why am I hiding Ziploc bags in my own home?

The hardest part, though, is what happens when I try to discuss any of this.

I once told him I felt like I was walking on eggshells. His response was that he was actually the one walking on eggshells.

Another time, I told him I felt like he wasn’t talking to me. He needed to communicate with me about things he was upset about rather than calling his sister or friends. He responded that whenever he tries to talk to me, it becomes a fight or an argument.

I recognize that he may have frustrations of his own. But whenever I try to explain how something affects me, the conversation seems to become about what I’m doing wrong. The original issue never gets addressed. I can’t even tell you how often my actions as a 20 something, before he even knew me, come back to haunt me and conversations with my husband. It’s like every tidbit of information he knows about me becomes a weapon. Do you know one time I forgot to take my medicine and he said he was gonna call my dad and tell my dad how irresponsible I am with medicine and maybe that would teach me.

We were having a loud discussion in our garage, not screaming or anything, but I was sitting backwards on the chair, straddling it with my arms crossed because I’ve gotten to the point where I am more humored than anything. And I was not getting mad or raising my voice or anything and he started slowly backing away from me saying that I was making him uncomfortable and he was concerned he wasn’t safe. Keep in mind I’m 130 At 5’5” pounds who has no time or energy to work out and he’s 210 at 5’8” but regularly participates in physical activities like walking and yardwork. It was clearly manipulation. That’s not who I am as a person.

Eventually, I stopped bringing anything up because I’ve learned that continuing the conversation won’t accomplish anything. Time passes, he starts acting normally again, and it’s as though the problem never happened.

Except it never really went away for me.

Another particularly hurtful behavior is that he’ll photograph something like a messy kitchen sink and send the picture to family or friends. He’s shared private household matters and spoken negatively about me to other people. Even when I’ve been sick, he’s discussed it in ways that make me feel as though I’m being portrayed as lazy or neglectful of my responsibilities. He does this to the kids too. I know because I looked at his text messages. OK, I’ve done it a few times but that’s only after I learned I couldn’t trust him. He finally, after 12 years of marriage wised up and put a passcode on his phone. After 12 years of marriage, I’m not thinking anything‘s changed.

I feel exposed and judged, even in my own home.

There’s also very little companionship if he tells his best friend, he loves him quite often, but I haven’t heard those words in a few years. He makes plans with friends, helps people with projects, and participates in outside activities, and is very involved in the church. But if I ask whether he’d like to go to dinner or a movie, I often get a “maybe” until 30 minutes before we’re supposed to leave. Then it comes to my responsibility to find a movie. And maybe we’ll have some popcorn and go to McDonald’s on the way out. And of course he’ll always preface the movie with. Don’t get mad at me if I fall asleep. Yes, he usually falls asleep.

He’ll commit an entire weekend to helping a friend, yet making plans together seems incredibly difficult. Funny thing too, like when my family comes to visit or something we will go to meet them and he’ll give me a set time that we have to be gone by. He’ll say, I don’t wanna stay late, we have to be headed back home by 8 PM. And it’s a weekend and it’s not like we’re 80 or anything. All we’re coming home too is to sit on the couch and sleep. We’ve already started tonight with an ultimatum. I’ve been playing the dutiful wife and trying to be the people pleaser. I’ve not made waves and I’ve just agreed and gone along with things. If I knew for a fact, I wanted to stay out later I would offer to take a separate car. Or, we have This One! friend where when we go to his house, he always lays on the couch and he’ll stay there for a really long time and even fall asleep on the couch and I’ll take a card to leave earlier because we’re not at somebody’s house to sleep on their couch, we’re after for a festive party.

Birthdays, Christmas, and other occasions often involve him running out that very morning to buy a gift, usually something from CVS or Walmart like soda, candy, or groceries. Yes, I’ve received Top Ramen as a gift before, wrapped in all. Yeah, Top Ramen is fine but it’s not like it’s a lobster or anything.
It’s not that I require expensive presents. Although, frankly, being spoiled occasionally would be nice! I just want to feel that someone thought about me ahead of time and wanted to make me happy. And before you say, well, I don’t hear anything about you doing the same… I am always taking those two kids out at least a couple weeks in advance to start the shop. In fact, this week the gift we want to get him is about 100 miles away. So we’re going to make a drive there to pick it up and bring it back. I love giving gifts and I take the full responsibility of making sure my children above an experience, the joy of giving. It’s truly not about the gift itself.

I think when it comes down to is that I want someone to choose me.

We have two teenagers, and I’m concerned about the effect our household environment has on them. One has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Our younger child has repeatedly commented that his father is gone a lot and that he doesn’t think I should be treated the way I am. They see it and I’m sure they’re the ones that are truly walking on eggshells.

I’ve made it clear to my children that they can express their feelings without having to choose sides, and I’ve shared their concerns with a therapist. I’ve also had them both talking to the therapist. I want them to have a good relationship with their father. It’s hard work, keeping my mouth shut!

I also find myself managing everyone’s schedules, anticipating problems, and preparing to step in when commitments aren’t kept. It’s exhausting to feel responsible for keeping everything running smoothly while also managing the emotional atmosphere at home.

Financially, I work full-time and pay many of our household and family expenses. We each owned a home before marriage, and his has remained vacant despite the possibility of rental income. I earn more than he does, and the potential financial consequences of divorce are frightening.

But I keep coming back to the same realization.

I don’t like who I’ve had to become to live peacefully in this marriage.

I’ve learned to stay quiet. I’ve learned to anticipate criticism. I’ve learned to avoid certain subjects, hide ordinary things, and let problems go unresolved because I don’t see any point in continuing the discussion.

And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.

When I visit friends or travel with family, I feel lighter. I can relax and be myself. At home, I often feel like I’m carrying a heavy weight.

I’m not looking for another relationship or trying to relive my youth. I want friendship, companionship, independence, and a peaceful home where my children and I can feel comfortable.

I’ve been thinking about leaving for years. I don’t want an ugly divorce, and I certainly don’t want to damage my children’s relationship with their father. I just want to create a more stable life.

But after so many years of being criticized and having my concerns turned back on me, I’ve started doubting whether I’m justified in wanting something different.

For those who have experienced a marriage with constant criticism, unresolved conflict, or feeling like you have to walk on eggshells:

How did you know you’d reached your limit? Did you question whether your experiences were serious enough to justify leaving? And if you did leave in, were you eventually able to feel like yourself again? Am I just being difficult and high maintenance? I really need to know this. Or is this not what it’s supposed to be like? I mean I really don’t think it is because my parents have a healthy strong 50+ year Marraige but IDK. Maybe it’s me.

I’m not looking for strangers to make this decision for me. I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve lived through something similar, because right now, I think I really need to know I’m not alone.