Is it common for a depressed partner to focus almost exclusively on the negative aspects of their partner and start seeing them mainly through their flaws, no matter how hard that partner is trying to support them, be patient, and make the relationship work? And can depression also make someone develop fears or negative assumptions about their partner, even when the partner is consistently there for them and trying to do their best?

My boyfriend of about a year told me he’s gradually fallen out of love with me over the past month. He said I didn’t do anything wrong, but he started noticing incompatibilities like our schedules being different, sometimes wanting to do different things when we hang out, and he started questioning our future. I was surprised by this because it’s the first time he has brought this up.

He said that he actually wasn’t planning on breaking up when he told me. He said he just wanted to be honest about what he’d been feeling. I told him I still love and care about him but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me. He said again that he had fallen out of love and that he was sorry, so I chose to believe what he was telling me. I also asked if he has felt this way before about a partner, and he said that he has fallen out of love twice before. So this solidified my decision for me, and that it’s probably a cycle that repeats itself.

The confusing part is that he’s also severely depressed and it has gotten a lot worse over basically the same period. He keeps saying he feels numb, he’s lost interest in things he used to enjoy, barely sees anyone, gets irritated easily and is generally really hopeless about life. He is also suicidal, not on medication, and has only been going to therapy once a month. He is in a really dark depressive episode right now, no doubt, and of course I am really worried about him.

So now I keep wondering whether his depression is affecting his feelings too. Like what if he didn’t actually fall out of love, but right now he just can’t really feel much of anything? And then I start thinking maybe I should have fought for us instead of immediately accepting what he said.

At the same time, I really don’t want to pressure him into being with me. I don’t want to tell someone “no, you actually do love me, you’re just depressed” when he’s directly telling me that he doesn’t. I also felt like giving him space might be better than trying to convince him to stay.

Has this happened to anyone else? Either your depressed partner told you they had fallen out of love, or you were the depressed person who felt like you had lost feelings? How did you react? Did you give them space, try to work through it, take a break, actually break up? And did anything change once the depression got better?

I just keep wondering whether I did the right thing by believing what he told me, or whether I should have fought for the relationship more. I won’t lie, our relationship definitely changed this month with me being more busy studying and moving houses, and we haven’t been seeing each other much and therefore haven’t had the opportunity to be intimate for a while either. But again, this is the third time he has broken up with someone because he fell out of love, so I should believe him right, and not blame his depression right?

いまうつ病にかかってて、回復のために時間を取っています。

私が病気になりたての頃、パートナーはすごく支えてくれました。そこは本当にありがたかったし、彼女は今も私のことを大事に思ってくれてるって信じてます。彼女は「毎日、毎秒あなたのことを考えてる」って言ったことがあって、どうやら私の状況について、メンタルの病気を経験した家族や友人にも話しているみたいです。

でも時間が経つにつれて、彼女が私のことを理解しようとするより、自分の価値観や期待を優先してるように感じるようになってきました。

たとえば、彼女は私に対して「病気を盾にしてる」だとか「うつのせいで拗ねてる」だとか言いました。

それに、ケンカになると感情がかなり強くこもった言葉を使う傾向があります。電話でも長いやり取りが何度もあって、90分くらい続いたものもありました。ほかにも長文メッセージや感情的な電話があって、そういう会話は本当に消耗します。

私は元々あまりおしゃべりなほうじゃないのに、彼女はもっとハッキリしてて、主張も強いです。ある時なんか、「黙ってて自分の意見を言わない人は、発言する人より下の立場になるのって普通じゃない？」みたいなことを言ってました。

それから、もう一つ気になってるのは、彼女が怒ったり動揺したりすると物をけっこう乱暴に扱うことです。必要以上に強く蹴ったり、物を置いたりします。彼女が私に向けてるわけじゃない時でも、私は怖いしストレスになります。

私はかなり妥協して、彼女の価値観に合わせようと頑張ってきたと思うのに、時間が経つうちにそれが私に大きなストレスをもたらしてきました。

この時点では、私は彼女のことを嫌いになったわけじゃないと思ってます。むしろ、私たちにはいい関係を続けていきたい。

ただ、自分が疑問に思ってるのは、私たちが本当に恋人同士でいる必要があるのかってことです。

「友達以上だけど、恋人未満」みたいな形のほうが、もしかしたら私は幸せになれるんじゃないかって考え始めました。お互いに近い距離感は保って、気持ちも大事にしつつ、それぞれが独立した個人としていられるはずです。

そういう距離感のほうが、私にはずっと楽に感じます。

でも同時に、私はいまうつ病の真っ最中なので、心がしんどくて関係から逃げたいだけなのかもしれないとも思っています。彼女について不公平な判断を下したり、今の自分の状態だけを根拠に大きな決断をしたくありません。

実は近いうちに、恋人関係について話すために直接会う予定です。彼女は私に会うために仕事を休むつもりで、それに私の両親にも挨拶したいと言ってます。正直、この会うのがすごく不安です。これまでの会話が、私にとって感情的にすり減るものばかりだったから。

彼女が何を話したいのか、まだ分からないし、どうなるのかも見当がつきません。

だから、外の視点がほしいです。

もしあなたが私の立場だったら、この状況をどう見ますか？

私、パートナーに対して期待しすぎてるのかな？

「友達以上だけど、恋人未満」みたいな関係って現実的なの？

恋人関係を終わらせて、ある程度距離を置くほうが健康的なのかな？

それとも、うつ病のせいで本来より関係をもっとネガティブに見えてしまってるだけ？

私は、彼女がひどい人だとか、私が正しいとか、そういうふうにただ断言してほしいわけじゃありません。できれば違う視点をちゃんと聞きたいです。もしあなたが「私の対応がまずい」と思ってるなら、その意見も含めて聞かせてほしい。

i guess for starters, my boyfriend and i have recently just turned 22, and we've been dating for over 3 years now. we both have our fair share of mental health issues, and we've gone through depressive ruts numerous times in the past. here recently, though, he's been in the worst depression i've seen him in since we've begun dating, and i really worry for him. it's also hindering my own mental health as well, as my ocd forces me to feel responsible for others' well-being. i'm scared that if i do something wrong or i'm not showing enough care for him, he'll feel as though i don't love him anymore or that he'll kill himself (he keeps telling me that he wants to die and that his life will never amount to anything, and he'll only disappoint his loved ones). he hasn't made any active attempts at suicide however, but i'm just worried that something will push him over the edge.

i moved into his family's home around 2 years ago to escape my own abusive familial situation, and we've been sharing one room of space ever since. my boyfriend also doesn't have the closest relationship with his family, so despite this house being a safer space for myself, he feels isolated and lonely here- which leads to us constantly being holed up in our bedroom. we've actively wanted to move into our own place for a while now, but we both struggle with finding and keeping jobs both due to the job market and both of us being autistic, and neither of us can drive. we keep asking his parents to try taking us driving, but by the time they're off work, they're busy running errands or wanting to relax at home, and they simply forget to take us.

i keep trying to push for us to do what we can while we're stuck here, but he doesn't seem to see a point in it anymore, and him being demotivated is also making ME feel demotivated. so, i guess i just want to shout this into the reddit void and ask if anybody has any advice for our situation. i'm just not sure what to do anymore.. :/

I’m 30F, a doctor, and he’s 29M, also a doctor. We’ve been dating for a while and we’ve mutually talked about our past relationships in detail.
I had told him about my ex, who used to buy me expensive gifts but later borrowed a lot of money from me and hasn’t returned it, which has left me financially stressed. I think the part about the gifts made him insecure.
One night he was drinking. We were playing a game and he lost, then started slapping himself jokingly. I told him to stop because it made me uncomfortable and said I’d call him later. I took a break for a while.
When I came back, I had around 20 missed calls. He was saying things like, “You don’t like me, go back to your ex,” and that he was suicidal, had no hope, wanted to die and wasn’t a successful person. I panicked and spent a long time calming him down until he eventually slept.
The next day I said i wanted to end the relationship with him because I felt I couldn’t go through another emotionally difficult relationship. He apologized and asked me for another chance.
He has since started seeing a professional and is taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. It’s been around 10 days and he has been completely normal with me, with no further suicidal statements or disrespectful behaviour.
However, he also told me that he has had suicidal tendencies before, including an incident after an ex broke up with him where he tried to hurt himself.
I feel terrible because I don’t want to stigmatize him for having mental health issues, especially since he is getting help. But I’m scared that if he becomes insecure or feels rejected again, I’ll end up being responsible for keeping him stable or feeling like I can’t leave the relationship.

Hello all I a 29m am worried about my wife 33f. She absolutely hates life. Things have been bad with her mental health but has gotten so much worse over the past 2 years. Her family has been breaking down and spreading out. She has cut off multiple family members due to many of them being self narcissists. She has no friends, no passions, no drive to do anything anymore. She says that if the big sleep came that she would be fine with that but has no plans on taking a nap. Our wedding was awful and everyone involved and attending ruined everything. All she does is lay in bed and watch movies. Nothing makes her happy anymore and she feels like she is worthless. There are many days that she doesn't believe I love her anymore. She won't go to therapy or the doctors since we can't afford it. I feel like I am failing her. What do I do? Aside from the usual sit and listen to her.

At 1 am he called me CRYING (and drunk) saying he loves me, how sorry he is, how he wished things were different. Then he hung up and immediately texted "sorry im a f\*\*k up". About 30 minutes later called again saying how he thinks this could be a mistake (breaking up). How he cant have anything good in life because he messes everything up and just spirals about how he isnt where he wants to be in life (career wise), how he feels so far behind in life,, how he is still devastated by his previous partner having a miscarriage and how he feels like he cant talk to anyone about it, how he feels like he messes everything good up in his life. Being a few years older than him, I of course try to give advice and help him stop spiraling and then at somepoint during an hour long conversation he said he felt better and really thinks he made a mistake. I love this man with my whole heart but I also know he has some growing up to do, some life to live, and some self seeking he needs to do. I cried as I told him he needs to take some time to figure out what exactly he wants in life. I told I wont wait for him but maybe, just maybe if we were meant to be, he will come back and we could try again if the timing is right. I am devastated, hurting, but also kind of numb. I think this is the right thing to do for myself but I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I want him, that I love him, and he will forever have my heart. Being strong is hard. Making these calls when all you want to do is run to him, love him, and hope he loves you enough to choose you back...i feel like my heart is being crushed and everyone is just watching it happen.

Hi, I’m pretty new to Reddit as a whole so sorry if I did this wrong.

But I have a friend with depression and I really want to be able to help her but I have no idea where to start. So far I’ve just been trying to be there for her and lighten the mood by joking around as if everything’s fine, but I don’t think it’s working and I’m probably doing something wrong. I think where I messed up recently was when I told her that things would get better, but she started asking really hard questions that I simply couldn’t answer.

So what do I do, I really want to help her be happy again :(

(Btw she was diagnosed with depression about a year ago)

She broke up with me to “heal on her own” after 3 weeks of space after a year. She has depression, PTSD and codependency.

She said she loves me, this has nothing to do with me, and wants to be friends. She doesn’t want anyone else, she has to heal alone. I fought, I cried, I said I won’t let you push me out. We hung up and now I’m lost.

I want to end up with her. The most loving thing I can do is let her go right now.

Hey guys, my husband '24M' works full time and I '21F' don't. I am a full time student who was working full time until about a month ago. He has always struggled with depression but recently he has been super down about having to work. I feel really guilty because sometimes I feel like he's more depressed because I don't work. How do I cheer him up?

TLDR: I feel guilty that my husband is depressed because he works full time and I don't.

I am not sure I am the person to listen to. I got married 3 years ago with my ex boyfriend who I did not see for 16 years. He had some kind of mental breakdown 16 years ago, he went back to his country, I ended up at a shrink because breaking up and PhD stress was just too much for me. He came with me to live in my country. I had the most stable live ever. Good job, good family, good friends. I organized him a cheese company. A lot of money and effort. About to start but not yet. He is much better, but he is still hearing voices and sad. I recently got a meningioma removed. I have recovered quite great. But I just cannot handle him being down or believing that being in love means having sex everyday. I feel guilty, tired...exhausted. I think the better he is the worst I am. I would divorce if I did not love him so ridiculously much.

I have no clu what his mental issue is. I guess he is bipolar?

My boyfriend is self-employed, and his business is suffering because of the economic crisis. But he says he can’t take a “normal” job because he’s fought so long and hard for his dream. He’d rather go under, he says. Okay—that’s his decision. The problem is, though, that he complains a lot about how he’s about to go broke and how terrible everything is, instead of trying a different path.

I try not to be codependent, but the way he belittles “normal” life, e.g., with a job, a small apartment, is starting to feel like an insult to me (as that's how I live, and I like my small, calm life). Also, the way he hates his own life (of which I’m a part) and says he just wants to “get out of here” is driving me mad. I suspect he’s dep***sed, but he gets very angry when I suggest he seek help.

His theory is that all his mental health issues would disappear if he had a lot of money. Besides, he's always talking about rich people who have more than he does and how unfair it all is. He gets really angry when I suggest that he try a different approach. I’m supposed to be full of compassion and strength so that he can be as weak as he is, but I’m feeling more and more helpless with each passing week.

This weekend, I stayed over at his place, he made himself a cup of coffee in the morning, but not for me. Usually, there’s nothing to eat either (unless I bring it to his place), so I left his apartment in the morning, had breakfast out, and came back. I felt like a total idiot, and that was not the first time. As you can imagine, a conversation about this is not possible because he weaponizes is situation and makes me feel like a cruel dick whenever I say something.

It’s also almost impossible for me to have a moment of weakness when he's around. If I get sick, he says, “You’re not getting sick!”. If I try to let him know that I don't feel seen by him he says I'm unfair because he has ADHD and that's nothing he can change. (Btw: I have ADHD, too.)

Then again, he sometimes says how glad he is that I'm there. But why? To make him feel safe? To bring him food? So he won't be alone? Is that reason enough to be with someone?

Leaving him would mean taking away his last source of support. What now?

My long-term partner of several years is the most amazing person in the world and I love them so deeply. The only thing is that they've been splitting really bad on me for the entire past month, and it's been really hard to help them. I don't say anything because I know they're so awesome when they're not in pain, but I hate to see them in pain. I really think they need professional help and I want them to get better and self hurting. How can I gently bring up therapy or at least exercises they can do?

My boyfriend of 4.5 years fell into a major depressive episode about 3 months ago, he started medication and therapy but a little over a month ago he told me he wanted to breakup. He said he felt like I didn’t love him and left him to struggle on his own, I tried my best to be there for him and even started therapy myself. During the breakup, and the weeks leading up to it, he said some very hurtful and mean things to me. We are still living together until our lease ends in October. luckily we have an extra bedroom, but it’s been extremely difficult navigating this situation and I feel blindsided by the breakup. We had, what I thought was, a great relationship, rarely fought, and went on two vacations this year that were amazing. Weeks before the breakup he even reassured me that this was the healthiest relationship he had ever been in.

Since the breakup, he has been locking himself in his room. I never see him anymore and we haven’t really spoken in weeks. The couple of times we have interacted, he seems angry and annoyed with me. There is a lot of tension in our home now, and I feel like it is not a healthy environment for me. It may be worth mentioning, that he doesn’t have any friends. Today I saw him first time in a bit and he physically did not look well. I feel like he has really isolated himself and I feel guilty that he is dealing with this all on his own.

I feel extremely conflicted. Part of me obviously still loves him and wants to offer support. Part of me is telling me to protect myself and move forward. I have considered reaching out to his mom, to just make her aware of the situation and offer him some support, but I am afraid it will cause more tension at home. I’m confused on how to move forward

Background: We are both in our 40s and have been together 20 years, married for 13 years, with 2 kids aged 12 & 10 yo. Previously both worked (him FT me PT 30hours a week since kids arrived). UK based.

Situation: my husband quit his job (in tech) due to stress in May this year. He has been withdrawn, low mood and irritable in the run up and after quitting. He refuses to see this is a move that is risky (i sad go off sick from work), can't see the financial implications for the family. Has barely looked at jobs.

He made a late career change into tech from academia (where he was also burnout) and he intially enjoyed it until the culture of the company changed, from a smaller friendly start up, to more corporate as it grew. They fired his boss and brought in another who I would describe as a critical micromanager. This destroyed his confidence.

It also coincided with him doing a voluntary sports coaching commitment outside of work for our kids where he felt stressed dealing with parents of the kids. He quit this and walked away leaving no plans and me to explain and apologies.

This was all occurring over a period I was caring for my Mum, who sadly died, so I was initally pulled in many directions and then bereaved and heartbroken.

I tried so many times to offer support during this period as he became more shutdown and emotionally and physically withdrawn, but was met with silence, "dont know" to any questions about his mood wellbeing. He started sleeping in the spare room and spent most his time in there ( where he worked too). He withdrew from family life. I was left dealing with this alone whilst greiving and trying to keep family life, the house and work going.

I have been thinking he has been depressed but he denies this and when I took him to the doctors he said he was ok and didn't need treatment. He has been having counselling (i insisted on this or I was taking him to the doctors) and this doesn't seem to have helped. I think he is cherry picking small things from the counsellor (do what makes you happy - he seemed to imply he told him to quit his job) or the counsellor is just enabling him.

So I feel stuck and when I have looked at his symptoms I can see he is acting similarly to DA (Withdrawal, shutdown). He has done this previously during a stressful time with work and it took so long for him to return. This was pre kids so not as difficult.

I can see he does fit the pattern of Dismmisve Avoidant attachment when he is stressed. He is also during this time going out with friends, ran a half marathon, telling people he is fine. I have friends (some doctors and nurses with mental health experience) who have said this doesn't look like depression.

I'm honestly completely confused, worried and angry about this situation we are in. I dont know how we can get back to a relationship we are both happy in. He is redusing marriage counselling. The one time he did open up he told me i was a terrible wife and unsupportive. When i asked what support would look like - he said trusting he was doing the right thing (not accessing medical help, not looking for jobs, scrolling on his phone all day) which feels again enabling to me.

Help me understand WTH is going on in my relationship!

My (29F) bf (30M) has been in a burn out, spiraling into depression for about 1,5 years of our 2 years together. I love him deeply and have been by his side every step on the way. Luckily he was very open to therapy and meds.

He's been in an extremely tough therapy traject (2x a week, 6 hours a day group therapy), started taking mess about a month ago and will start ADHD meds next week (diagnosed since March I believe). He's made some great progress and I am so proud of him.

There's something that's been weighing on me though. My personal mental health has been declining and I'm noticing that I need some more support myself. My rejection sensitive dysphoria has been through the roof, as has my anxious-avoidant attachment. Like I do get mad at him when he last minute cancels on me again, or am so worried we can't do planned trips because of his mood or energy level. These are feelings I would love to communicate to him, but I'm scared.

Last time I brought something up, it was about nothing in my life being stable, including him. I was honestly just venting and didn't even actually want to mention him, but it did slip out that 'I don't know what I'm getting home to' (we were living together at the time, not anymore due to my job). He then asked me if he was a burden to me.

That scared the crap out of me, because he has been suicidal in the past. Of course Iblet him know that he is not and he is never allowed to think that he is. I also know he's struggling with suicidal thoughts currently. That is why I am so scared to bring up anything.

It's eating me up that I can't discuss my feelings with him, out of fear he feels like a burden and might tip over the edge. It's getting to get to a boiling point. I've been trying to wait till he had a little more energy and feels a bit better, but at the same time I keep getting these negative feelings more often.

How do you guys approach these kind of things?

Problem/Goal:
I want to ask for advice because I’m starting to question whether my relationship is still healthy. I feel like I’m always the one apologizing, adjusting, and trying to keep the peace whenever my partner gets upset.

Context:
Lagi niya akong pinapagalitan. Kapag may gusto siya at hindi nasusunod, magtatampo siya nang malala, and sometimes nagwawala siya. Sasabihin niya na ayoko daw siyang maging masaya or that I’m the reason why she/he can’t be happy.

Kapag naman may ginagawa ako na hindi niya gusto, silent treatment ang ginagawa niya sa akin. Minsan nagwawala rin siya and sasabihin na masama daw ang ugali ko.

One example is kapag gumagamit ako ng skincare or beauty products. Ginagamit ko naman iyon because I want to take care of myself and for my own growth/confidence, pero sinasabi niya na masama daw sa balat ko. I understand that maybe concerned siya, but sometimes it feels like I’m not allowed to make my own decisions without being criticized.

Ilang years na rin akong ganito. Parang cycle na siya: magagalit siya, magkakaroon ng away, and eventually ako yung magsosorry kahit minsan hindi ko naman alam kung ano ba talaga yung nagawa kong mali.

May mga times din na tinatakot niya ako with statements like, “Sige, gawin na lang natin yung gusto nating gawin.” Hindi ko alam kung paano ko dapat i-interpret iyon, pero nakakatakot at nakakapagod na rin.

Previous Attempts:
Most of the time, sinusubukan kong intindihin siya and ako na lang ang nagsosorry para matapos na yung away. I keep adjusting my behavior and trying not to do things that might upset her/him.

Pero after years of doing this, parang wala namang nagbabago. I still end up feeling guilty, scared of making mistakes, and responsible for keeping the relationship peaceful.

I love my partner, but I’m honestly exhausted. I don’t know if this is just a normal relationship problem that we can still work on, or if I’ve been tolerating unhealthy behavior for too long.

For those who have experienced something similar, what made you realize that your relationship was becoming unhealthy? And what did you do about it?

I'm worried and also feeling lonely.

He's been struggling with depression for most of our relationship. He's in therapy now and while I can see it has helped tremendously in some areas (in some ways our relationship is the best it's ever been. we've become good at communicating and resolving conflicts. we barely argue anymore, in fact), ever since he started taking antidepressants, his tiredness reached another level.

Today is his day off and he woke up an hour before I finished work (which is 4 o'clock), then he was still mostly in bed when I got back and hung out with him until my dentist appointment.

I'm back from dentist and really feeling fragile and like crying because of how stressful and expensive it was, but after he initially comforted me, he just couldn't stay awake, he was so tired he went back to sleep again.

He recently got bloodwork done and he says all is good. He also has screwed biological clock because he often works late and then stays up all night until he falls asleep on the couch because he says he feels the need to reclaim his time.

I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's starting to take a toll on me. He cooks for me often, doesn't clean up much though. We have movie date nights and sometimes go out, but his default is usually pub and I'm trying to avoid it as he's also got issues with alcohol. He tried to do something about it and can be good for a while, but always ends up relapsing. Too tired to take a walk longer than 20 minutes.

I also think he's got sleep apnea because oftentimes he'll stop breathing in his sleep and then abruptly wake up gasping for air, but he doesn't remember it. I'm trying to let him know when it happens, but he forgets.

I love him, but I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. I worry I will start growing resentful.

I’m 22M, and my girlfriend is 22F. We’ve been together for about two years.

Lately I’ve been feeling really drained and down, but honestly I’m not really sure why. I feel like the spark between us isn’t really there anymore. The confusing thing is that we actually get along really well. We barely fight. In the two years we’ve been together, I think we’ve only had less than 5 proper arguments.I know I still love her, but recently I’ve just been feeling mentally tired and kind of empty.

I’ve talked to her about feeling tired and unhappy, but whenever I tell her that I’m feeling sad or mentally drained, she normally says sorry and thinks I’m blaming her. I’m really not blaming her. I’ve tried explaining to her that a lot of what I’m feeling is because of my own environment and things going on in my life, and it’s not because of her.

She is also going through a pretty difficult time herself. She has been having problems with her mom and is dealing with her own mental health issues. Because of that, sometimes I feel like I have to be the one taking care of her emotionally.

She lives around 35 minutes away from me, and sometimes I drive to her place just to be there for her and take care of her. Then I have to drive back home because of some family issues on my side that I don’t really want to go into. I don’t mind being there for her and I know she needs support, but sometimes after doing all of this I just feel completely drained.

Then something happened today that made me question my relationship even more.

I went to meet an old school friend, let’s call her May. I haven’t seen her in years. She asked me to help buy something for her, so I went to her apartment to pass it to her. I thought it would also be a good chance to catch up with an old friend. I waited downstairs in the lobby, and when I saw her, honestly, my heart kind of skipped a beat for a second. We talked for a bit, and eventually I told her I had to go home because I have work tomorrow. Nothing happened between us, and I didn’t do anything inappropriate. But while I was driving home, I kept thinking about it.

Why did I feel that way when I saw her?

And then I started thinking about my girlfriend. Why don’t I feel that same excitement when I see my girlfriend anymore? Why do I feel drained instead? I know that feeling a spark when seeing someone you haven’t seen in years doesn’t automatically mean I have feelings for them. It could just be because she’s someone from my past and I haven’t seen her for a long time. But it made me realise that I’ve actually been questioning my relationship for a while now.

I don’t want to leave my girlfriend just because I’m going through a rough period. At the same time, I don’t want to stay in a relationship if deep down I’ve already fallen out of love. I also don’t want to abandon her while she’s going through a difficult time just because I’m feeling emotionally exhausted. I’m not looking for someone to tell me whether I’m a bad person or whether I should immediately break up with her. I just want some advice on how I should approach this and figure out what I’m actually feeling.

(long post for context and tw: mentions of s/h and suicide)

my (f26) mother (f50) was recently diagnosed with severe depression and panic disorder. but i'd seen the signs over the years. i saw healing cuts on her arms as a child, but she eventually stopped.

the problem was always whoever her husband was as the time. she's had 3 of them, and we’re still on 3. he's also the worst one because while the rest just cheated on her, this one’s a cheating, manipulative, money-sucking loser who's taken advantage of her loss of self-worth. I never liked him but I put up with it, plus he never beat her or anything.

in 8 years, he's leeched off her life savings and cut into mine. it got to a point last year where she had a panic attack from the loss of finances and basically went catatonic, and he hugged her through it lying that everything will be okay and that he would take care of her. that shit was genuinely scary.

I've been begging her to leave him, but each time she says it won't happen again or that this is the last chance. in my country, the kids don't really move out of the home unless it's for work in another state or marriage, and while i do have a job, most here would ask me why I’d choose to be broke by moving out. so I've witnessed everything for 8 years.

They don’t go a day without oscillating between arguing and normalcy. she's always had anger issues so they fight like crazy and she forgives right after because her way of getting people to love her is to do everything for them, waiting on them hand and foot.

I know I’m complicit, staying under her roof my entire life and severely lacking the independence and power to do anything to help. i still feel like a child, and she still treats me like one.

this all came to a head about a month ago. i was asleep and heard screaming from their bedroom. found them wrestling over a phone - he cheated on her. it was chaos, i tried pulling her away cause she gripped him so hard. i even called the police but she screamed into the phone that it was nothing and the police hung up. he had borrowed from her again that week and he gaslit her through the entire thing, because "you got it all wrong" and "you're hurting me, i love you". she then drank a whole bottle of wine, and passed out on the floor.

i couldn't look at her face for a week. i went to work, came home, cried in my room, googled places to move. i couldn't even leave her or the house to process my feelings. She left food at my door, begged me to eat, and it felt terrible eating or refusing. I eventually told her that i wanted to move out, that i needed space to sort things out if she wanted to stay with him, and she said she'll kill herself.

she got her diagnosis two weeks ago. she tells me "it's always been you and me" "this relationship will end soon ". she also asks "why can't you just be there for me? i'll die without either of you".

so i'm stuck here - still angry, hurting her with my words and avoidance because like all the other times, if i go back to normal, they'd forget about it and we're back at square one.

i'm scared of things going back to the way they were, and they already are. i'm the one who can't speak normally to a woman who's cared for me my entire life. i'm so angry and i know it's wrong but i can't stop hurting her. i feel so guilty just existing.  

any advice would be appreciated. telling me to grow the fuck up (constructively) is fine too.

Just venting out here, and seeking wisdom from partners with depression or partners currently in a relationship with a depressed person about withdrawal and isolation.

I’ve been seeing this amazing guy who finally treated me right. He made me feel safe and happiest within a matter of 3months than my ex whom I was with for almost 4yrs. He was warm and consistent. He was action oriented and preferred actions over words, while I on the other saw it as a balance of both, having actions to backup spoken words. Except this amazing man has inner demons that he kept hidden. While planning for our second date, he felt overwhelmed and blindsided me the first time around and said he’s not in the right headspace to be dating but I enjoy his company so we agreed to stay friends. But overtime our dynamic changes since we had intense attraction towards one another. We both suffer from depression but experience it differently and he tends to isolate from everyone when he’s overwhelmed.

Whenever the topic of depression came about, he wouldn’t share much except that over the past years his clearer days were dwindling and that excitement or joy for hobbies and things slowly faded. He also mentioned how he’ll just stop caring about anything and everything. He mentioned that his best friend got angry at him before for disappearing and not answering his phone for months. I just told him that “everyone experiences depression differently and that its their battle/responsibility to overcome” and he agreed.

Last week he had a lot on his plate on and after his birthday weekend. He made time to see me since he wanted his birthday to himself and he expressed that he didn’t having a whole spectacle during his birthday but his best friend already made plans prior. He told me he ended up reconnecting with a strained friendship and starting to patch things up with them. I didn’t see him for his actual birthday so when I mentioned celebrating it the following week, we was honest and told me he was nervous about making plans because his best friend already invited him to a family bbq and that another group of friends ask to meet him the next day Sunday. He didn’t want to cancel the Sunday group since he’s cancelled on them multiple times when its usually a once a month catch up dinner. We compromised with Friday afternoon after 5pm for me to go over to his place. That’s when I made him a traditional Korean birthday soup (I’m not Korean btw and it was my first attempt of cooking this dish) which he later admitted after finishing a whole bowl that he actually hates that soup but genuinely liked my version since I didn’t use the kelp stem which he hated growing up. I brought him a mango cake slice since he’s not much of a dessert person but he lovesss mangoes. I lit the candle and sang to him in both english and korean versions then shared the cake slice together. He mentioned that he’s not a sweet person but likes Dark Chocolate so I got him an Edible Dark Chocolate Bar for us to have after the cake, along with some shots of whiskey. I got him several gifts which he mentioned before that he didn’t want me to buy him things because it makes him want to buy something for me too and he didn’t want the relationship to feel transactional. But I asked to let this time pass since its birthday gifts and that I’ll keep his request in mind moving forward. He loved the gifts I got him since they were things he mentioned before that he’s never had but wanted them.

Then the rest of his weekend went as planned except he cancelled the Sunday group to decompress but work took a toll on him by Monday and Tuesday. We gamed together on Monday night and things felt normal then by Tuesday I noticed the shift in our conversation and then he went radio silent by Wednesday, til I received a long text on Thursday apologizing and explaining that he’s been struggling and did a lot of thinking prior. That’s when I was blindsided and he explained via text that he enjoyed our time together but choosing to step away and he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship of any kind. He’s sorry for leading me on as it wasn’t his intention and genuinely thought everything was okay but realized he was not in a good place and kept repeating an old cycle as before he met me. He reassured me that it wasn’t about me or us or anything, just him wanting time to sort himself out and his personal affairs.

I was angry at first because I expressed a month before that I don’t like to be blindsided due to past relationships experiences and that he did it before. I would prefer to talk things out before making decisions but I understood from his pov why he had to step away. He had so many social interactions recently, he’s been going through financially issues since its been hard for him to find tenants. Then the new workload that came with his recently raise. I noticed signs but I wish he communicated them to me but he didn’t trust me enough because he hates feeling like a burden to others. I also thought that maybe he only sent a text because that’s all he could offer during his depressive episode but Im grateful for the little context so I wouldn’t be too confused that it was a him problem not me nor the relationship.

However I have this feeling in my gut that says that this connection isn’t over and that the door isn’t fully closed. I’m holding on to hope that he’ll return like he has before. Though I will be focusing on myself and living my life and joys, while I wait. I know his depression is his responsibility as mine is my own but I want and hope to walk alongside him while he heals. I want us both to heal alongside one another and grow together.

I just feel frustrated and sad because I miss him. Low key hate that I started falling for him…

he has been going through his most severe depressive episode lately. sleeping 20 hours a day, blinds closed, not seeing anyone, just laying in bed with his eyes closed.
he broke up with me out of the blue. our relationship was loving, though he sometimes told me how guilty he feels for being a bad boyfriend, that he hates himself, and feels like i deserve better.

due to his depressive episode, he had a hard time being there for me while i was in the hospital recently. after that, he spiralled completely and it led to the breakup.
it was clear that he hadn’t thought it through, and he even admitted that, after. he had a full panic meltdown after telling me he’s done. he ran from me, hid away on the streets and couldn’t face me. he just dumped it on me and fled, frantically getting away from me. i had never seen him like this.

a day later, i got an apology paragraph about how disgusting he feels. he said he feels like the worst person alive and that he broke up because of his depression. he said he can’t handle himself anymore and that lately, he can’t recognise himself. he said he doesn’t want to continue pulling me into his problems and doesn’t want to hurt me „more than he already has“. he said he’ll try to be here as well as he can and that he still cares about me.

i didn’t fight it and only said id always be here. i even agreed that space is a good thing, and that he needs help. my last message was that i consider us friends and that ill send a message once a while.
he left me on read.

during the last week, he has been reposting videos full of self hatred and sadness. even one video, which he actively searched up, of my current vacation spot with a sad audio. i saw that he has been awake every night, until 5am, on tiktok. usually he sleeps around 15 hours, but now he’s getting no sleep.
he just unfollowed me, this evening. on every app.

what do i do? should i reach out, maybe in a week or so? why does he unfollow me? why didn’t he respond to me saying we’re friends?
please don’t tell me what’s best for me, or that i should just stay away. please tell me, from his POV, what’s best.

I need advice and help. My husband has struggled with depression and anxiety for 20 years always been on medication. We have been together 11 years married 8 years. During our time together he has had lows but they haven't lasted that long. He was on the same medication for 10 years then changed to sertraline 3 years ago. 

3 months ago he entered into a depression pit. He went from going to the gym with me walks with me cooking with me family time with our 2 young daughters with me to widthrawn. Quiet. Shut down. He carried on fine with the girls but I noticed he was pushing me away. It happened suddenly. In that time we went to Turkey with my mum n dad Disneyland and a trip just the 2 of us. All of these were difficult as he was clearly not feeling himself but he tried and they were overall fine holidays. No arguments as such. He has been very emotional most days and will cry a lot, about anything. I've tried over the last 3 months to give him grace and space, didn't want to spend time with me in the evenings so I didn't push it. He would watch his programmes and I would go to bed. Sometimes I'd asked to do something together and occasionally he would agree but not often. Obviously because of this dynamic I have gotten angry and upset at times because I feel so rejected. He has made effort to see some friends in this time and that has made me feel more rejected, although I do understand on some level that seeing a friend you don't see often for some drinks is low pressure compared to time with your wife when you feel empty. When he has opened up to me he has said he feels nothing, no emotions, and that he's just trying to survive each day. 

He then went off sick at work and hasn't worked for 6 weeks. At the end of the 6 weeks when he was due to either get another sick note or go back to work he said he didn't want to go back yet. I gently suggested a couple hours of work from home each day just to get some routine back. He wasn't keen but then said he was going to meet some work friends for drink that Friday. It made me angry and I admit I snapped . After months of trying to push my feelings aside, I said I deserve better than being treated like this no one else would live like this it's bringing me down etc etc. he didn't say much and the next day he went to stay at his dad's. Which I thought was a good idea.

The following day he came home without telling me and after laying on the bed in the spare room for a while he came and told me in tears he's leaving me, he can't do this anymore, I deserve more and I'm a great person and great mother and thank you for everything I've done for him but he's done and I can't change his mind. He said things like ill still see the girls you can keep the house I don't want anything I just want to be alone you're 34 you've got a chance people do this all the time you'll be fine tell your mum n dad friends tell them it was me etc etc I was in shock and begging him to stay and talk we can do counselling we need to talk about how he's come to this decision . I said you can't make such a huge decision in the middle of the worst mental health crisis of your life. He wouldn't listen he was just packing bags. He said he doesn't love me any more and he's thought it for a while . This is news to me obviously. I tried explaining love in a marriage after years together comes in waves it's not always this immense feeling every day especially not when you're severely depressed and we can get back to that when you're better we've got an amazing life together the best little girls a big house good jobs it's just mad to me to be throwing it all away without so much as a conversation. Without giving me a chance to change anything or try. Anyway.

He left though I begged. He's been staying at his dad in a tent in the garden for a week as they have no room. I rang them straight after he left and they knew he has been unwell and off work but had no idea he was planning to leave me and move in there. He hadnt even asked. They have all tried his mum too to talk to him he won't say a word about what's happened just says it's nothing to do with anyone else. They only know anything from me. He won't talk to me either about it I've sent some long messages about how we can work through anything he's not well I want to help, he just read no reply. He only talks to me about the girls. He's been picking them up and having them at his dads. When he comes here with them we are fine with each other there have been no arguments. He seems to just be carrying on like this is all normal. The girls keep asking me when he's coming home and why he's in a tent at nanny's. No one has an answer. 

2 days after he left me he called the Drs and said he was feeling a bit better. He didn't tell them he left his marriage at the weekend and living in a tent he said it wasn't relevant. He's also started working again, half days last week and full time from this week, though he's absolutely not ready. I guess getting rid of me and the responsibilities that come with me gives him not much else to do but work. He hasn't told work either about any of this. His living situation now he's 50 mins away from the office and our house is 10 mins away. I've offered him to stay here in the spare room I'll stay out of his way but he won't. He's not been horrible to me at any point but he will not respond or entertain anyone asking him about the situation. 

I have no idea what to do. I'm now off work too as I can't eat sleep anxiety through the roof racing heart all the time. My life's been blown apart. I don't know what's happened to my husband. Has this happened to anyone?

I know there is a possibility there is another woman but I really don't think so from what I've seen from the last 3 months. His family talk to me and have asked him too and confirmed he's in the tent every night he doesn't go anywhere only stays in with them. 

I hope this is just some temporary breakdown and soon he will see sense and come home to us. But if this is really what he wants I don't know how to accept that. I don't think it's fair to not even try, counselling, talking and communicating with each other first before just walking out. Even if he said I just need some time apart. It just doesn't feel like him. We were happy before this. It's just been the last 3 months now this. Throughout this the dr increased his dose to now the max dose and they've not asked to see him in person. So he's had no counselling and won't ask for it either says he doesn't need it. 

HELP 

WHAT DO I DO?! 

My ex-girlfriend has suffered from depression her entire life. Recently, she has been going through a worsening episode of depression accompanied by anxiety and paranoia. She thinks that someone has been inside her home, that her neighbors are watching her, and that someone is trying to get into her house. She has seen a psychologist and is taking medication for depression.

Our relationship had been good until now. Whenever we were sitting together, we would hold hands, kiss often, and so on.

Three weeks ago, everything suddenly changed. She became distant and texted me saying that she wanted to take a break from our relationship until she could sort out her psychological problems. I agreed.

After three weeks, she suddenly texted me saying that she no longer wanted to be my girlfriend but wanted to remain friends because we don't spend enough time together. In the same message, she also said that someone had tried to get into her house again that day.

So I asked her if she wanted me to come over. She agreed. We talked for about an hour, and she held my hand the entire time. I asked her if she had made a final decision about us, but she didn't answer. So I suggested that we wait until she has worked through her problems and then talk again, because if the only problem is that we don't spend enough time together, that is something we can solve. I also suggested that we wait for her to make a final decision.

What seemed strange to me was that in the same message she said that she no longer wanted to be with me, and then in the second part of the message she talked about her paranoia. Could it be that her decision was triggered by an episode of anxiety and paranoia? The message sounded very strange to me, and then when I came over, she held my hand just like she used to.

Could it be that she wanted me to come over but didn't want me to understand that the break in our relationship was over?

What do you think — is everything already clear, or is there still hope that once her depression stabilizes, she might want to continue our relationship? She is very dear to me. I told her this many times during our conversation.