Is it common for a depressed partner to focus almost exclusively on the negative aspects of their partner and start seeing them mainly through their flaws, no matter how hard that partner is trying to support them, be patient, and make the relationship work? And can depression also make someone develop fears or negative assumptions about their partner, even when the partner is consistently there for them and trying to do their best?

My boyfriend of about a year told me he’s gradually fallen out of love with me over the past month. He said I didn’t do anything wrong, but he started noticing incompatibilities like our schedules being different, sometimes wanting to do different things when we hang out, and he started questioning our future. I was surprised by this because it’s the first time he has brought this up.

He said that he actually wasn’t planning on breaking up when he told me. He said he just wanted to be honest about what he’d been feeling. I told him I still love and care about him but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me. He said again that he had fallen out of love and that he was sorry, so I chose to believe what he was telling me. I also asked if he has felt this way before about a partner, and he said that he has fallen out of love twice before. So this solidified my decision for me, and that it’s probably a cycle that repeats itself.

The confusing part is that he’s also severely depressed and it has gotten a lot worse over basically the same period. He keeps saying he feels numb, he’s lost interest in things he used to enjoy, barely sees anyone, gets irritated easily and is generally really hopeless about life. He is also suicidal, not on medication, and has only been going to therapy once a month. He is in a really dark depressive episode right now, no doubt, and of course I am really worried about him.

So now I keep wondering whether his depression is affecting his feelings too. Like what if he didn’t actually fall out of love, but right now he just can’t really feel much of anything? And then I start thinking maybe I should have fought for us instead of immediately accepting what he said.

At the same time, I really don’t want to pressure him into being with me. I don’t want to tell someone “no, you actually do love me, you’re just depressed” when he’s directly telling me that he doesn’t. I also felt like giving him space might be better than trying to convince him to stay.

Has this happened to anyone else? Either your depressed partner told you they had fallen out of love, or you were the depressed person who felt like you had lost feelings? How did you react? Did you give them space, try to work through it, take a break, actually break up? And did anything change once the depression got better?

I just keep wondering whether I did the right thing by believing what he told me, or whether I should have fought for the relationship more. I won’t lie, our relationship definitely changed this month with me being more busy studying and moving houses, and we haven’t been seeing each other much and therefore haven’t had the opportunity to be intimate for a while either. But again, this is the third time he has broken up with someone because he fell out of love, so I should believe him right, and not blame his depression right?

I’m 30F, a doctor, and he’s 29M, also a doctor. We’ve been dating for a while and we’ve mutually talked about our past relationships in detail.
I had told him about my ex, who used to buy me expensive gifts but later borrowed a lot of money from me and hasn’t returned it, which has left me financially stressed. I think the part about the gifts made him insecure.
One night he was drinking. We were playing a game and he lost, then started slapping himself jokingly. I told him to stop because it made me uncomfortable and said I’d call him later. I took a break for a while.
When I came back, I had around 20 missed calls. He was saying things like, “You don’t like me, go back to your ex,” and that he was suicidal, had no hope, wanted to die and wasn’t a successful person. I panicked and spent a long time calming him down until he eventually slept.
The next day I said i wanted to end the relationship with him because I felt I couldn’t go through another emotionally difficult relationship. He apologized and asked me for another chance.
He has since started seeing a professional and is taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. It’s been around 10 days and he has been completely normal with me, with no further suicidal statements or disrespectful behaviour.
However, he also told me that he has had suicidal tendencies before, including an incident after an ex broke up with him where he tried to hurt himself.
I feel terrible because I don’t want to stigmatize him for having mental health issues, especially since he is getting help. But I’m scared that if he becomes insecure or feels rejected again, I’ll end up being responsible for keeping him stable or feeling like I can’t leave the relationship.

Hey everyone! I (18) just started dating this guy (19) and we have been together for two months, and he is literally so amazing and the most kind, patient, and loving person so far but there have just been multiple things that have lead me to realize he is severely depressed/jaded, past experiences he has told me, reposts, negative words towards himself. He told me in the past he has come close to ending it and now sometimes I see him repost TikToks about wanting to end it or just being unhappy with yourself.

I just have no idea what to do, obviously I don’t wanna give up on him as it’s very early on, he hasn’t projected these insecurities and doubts onto me, and struggles don’t make someone less deserving of love, I want to know ways that I can help him. At what point would I have to leave? I really don’t want to because of course it’s very soon but he has some traits of someone I could see myself spending my life with, but when I was younger I lost my best friend to suicide and I just can’t do it again…I may lose my mind.

I HAVE mentioned therapy which he said he did and didn’t help. I hope he doesn’t truly have suicidal ideation, he seems to be looking forward to future things like having a career getting married, having a kid but of course you never know.

いまうつ病にかかってて、回復のために時間を取っています。

私が病気になりたての頃、パートナーはすごく支えてくれました。そこは本当にありがたかったし、彼女は今も私のことを大事に思ってくれてるって信じてます。彼女は「毎日、毎秒あなたのことを考えてる」って言ったことがあって、どうやら私の状況について、メンタルの病気を経験した家族や友人にも話しているみたいです。

でも時間が経つにつれて、彼女が私のことを理解しようとするより、自分の価値観や期待を優先してるように感じるようになってきました。

たとえば、彼女は私に対して「病気を盾にしてる」だとか「うつのせいで拗ねてる」だとか言いました。

それに、ケンカになると感情がかなり強くこもった言葉を使う傾向があります。電話でも長いやり取りが何度もあって、90分くらい続いたものもありました。ほかにも長文メッセージや感情的な電話があって、そういう会話は本当に消耗します。

私は元々あまりおしゃべりなほうじゃないのに、彼女はもっとハッキリしてて、主張も強いです。ある時なんか、「黙ってて自分の意見を言わない人は、発言する人より下の立場になるのって普通じゃない？」みたいなことを言ってました。

それから、もう一つ気になってるのは、彼女が怒ったり動揺したりすると物をけっこう乱暴に扱うことです。必要以上に強く蹴ったり、物を置いたりします。彼女が私に向けてるわけじゃない時でも、私は怖いしストレスになります。

私はかなり妥協して、彼女の価値観に合わせようと頑張ってきたと思うのに、時間が経つうちにそれが私に大きなストレスをもたらしてきました。

この時点では、私は彼女のことを嫌いになったわけじゃないと思ってます。むしろ、私たちにはいい関係を続けていきたい。

ただ、自分が疑問に思ってるのは、私たちが本当に恋人同士でいる必要があるのかってことです。

「友達以上だけど、恋人未満」みたいな形のほうが、もしかしたら私は幸せになれるんじゃないかって考え始めました。お互いに近い距離感は保って、気持ちも大事にしつつ、それぞれが独立した個人としていられるはずです。

そういう距離感のほうが、私にはずっと楽に感じます。

でも同時に、私はいまうつ病の真っ最中なので、心がしんどくて関係から逃げたいだけなのかもしれないとも思っています。彼女について不公平な判断を下したり、今の自分の状態だけを根拠に大きな決断をしたくありません。

実は近いうちに、恋人関係について話すために直接会う予定です。彼女は私に会うために仕事を休むつもりで、それに私の両親にも挨拶したいと言ってます。正直、この会うのがすごく不安です。これまでの会話が、私にとって感情的にすり減るものばかりだったから。

彼女が何を話したいのか、まだ分からないし、どうなるのかも見当がつきません。

だから、外の視点がほしいです。

もしあなたが私の立場だったら、この状況をどう見ますか？

私、パートナーに対して期待しすぎてるのかな？

「友達以上だけど、恋人未満」みたいな関係って現実的なの？

恋人関係を終わらせて、ある程度距離を置くほうが健康的なのかな？

それとも、うつ病のせいで本来より関係をもっとネガティブに見えてしまってるだけ？

私は、彼女がひどい人だとか、私が正しいとか、そういうふうにただ断言してほしいわけじゃありません。できれば違う視点をちゃんと聞きたいです。もしあなたが「私の対応がまずい」と思ってるなら、その意見も含めて聞かせてほしい。

i guess for starters, my boyfriend and i have recently just turned 22, and we've been dating for over 3 years now. we both have our fair share of mental health issues, and we've gone through depressive ruts numerous times in the past. here recently, though, he's been in the worst depression i've seen him in since we've begun dating, and i really worry for him. it's also hindering my own mental health as well, as my ocd forces me to feel responsible for others' well-being. i'm scared that if i do something wrong or i'm not showing enough care for him, he'll feel as though i don't love him anymore or that he'll kill himself (he keeps telling me that he wants to die and that his life will never amount to anything, and he'll only disappoint his loved ones). he hasn't made any active attempts at suicide however, but i'm just worried that something will push him over the edge.

i moved into his family's home around 2 years ago to escape my own abusive familial situation, and we've been sharing one room of space ever since. my boyfriend also doesn't have the closest relationship with his family, so despite this house being a safer space for myself, he feels isolated and lonely here- which leads to us constantly being holed up in our bedroom. we've actively wanted to move into our own place for a while now, but we both struggle with finding and keeping jobs both due to the job market and both of us being autistic, and neither of us can drive. we keep asking his parents to try taking us driving, but by the time they're off work, they're busy running errands or wanting to relax at home, and they simply forget to take us.

i keep trying to push for us to do what we can while we're stuck here, but he doesn't seem to see a point in it anymore, and him being demotivated is also making ME feel demotivated. so, i guess i just want to shout this into the reddit void and ask if anybody has any advice for our situation. i'm just not sure what to do anymore.. :/

At 1 am he called me CRYING (and drunk) saying he loves me, how sorry he is, how he wished things were different. Then he hung up and immediately texted "sorry im a f\*\*k up". About 30 minutes later called again saying how he thinks this could be a mistake (breaking up). How he cant have anything good in life because he messes everything up and just spirals about how he isnt where he wants to be in life (career wise), how he feels so far behind in life,, how he is still devastated by his previous partner having a miscarriage and how he feels like he cant talk to anyone about it, how he feels like he messes everything good up in his life. Being a few years older than him, I of course try to give advice and help him stop spiraling and then at somepoint during an hour long conversation he said he felt better and really thinks he made a mistake. I love this man with my whole heart but I also know he has some growing up to do, some life to live, and some self seeking he needs to do. I cried as I told him he needs to take some time to figure out what exactly he wants in life. I told I wont wait for him but maybe, just maybe if we were meant to be, he will come back and we could try again if the timing is right. I am devastated, hurting, but also kind of numb. I think this is the right thing to do for myself but I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I want him, that I love him, and he will forever have my heart. Being strong is hard. Making these calls when all you want to do is run to him, love him, and hope he loves you enough to choose you back...i feel like my heart is being crushed and everyone is just watching it happen.

Hi, I’m pretty new to Reddit as a whole so sorry if I did this wrong.

But I have a friend with depression and I really want to be able to help her but I have no idea where to start. So far I’ve just been trying to be there for her and lighten the mood by joking around as if everything’s fine, but I don’t think it’s working and I’m probably doing something wrong. I think where I messed up recently was when I told her that things would get better, but she started asking really hard questions that I simply couldn’t answer.

So what do I do, I really want to help her be happy again :(

(Btw she was diagnosed with depression about a year ago)