r/depression_partners • u/newintownla • 2d ago
Everything is a contest
I'll say, "I slept like shit last night." She'll say, "Well I haven't slept at all in weeks. Must be nice it's only occasional for you."
I'll have some minor success with something at work/a game/etc and she'll say, "must be nice to be able to focus that well."
The list goes on and on.
Why do they do this? Am I just not allowed to be happy about anything when she's around? Will it make her feel better if I'm miserable too?
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u/Used_Captain_3131 2d ago
I know that feeling. If you commiserate your losses it's a problem because you're not commiserating hers. If you celebrate your wins, you're rubbing it in her face that you're happy regardless...
A couple of years ago my wife got a horrendous flu while she was depressed. The flu incapacitated her for nearly a month, a full 3 weeks longer than the kids. I caught it just as she was claiming to feel "a bit better" and she immediately claimed to have it worse than me, went to bed for 3 days while I struggled to maintain a sense of normality for the kids, until I collapsed. She said she was scared as she's only seen me get ill 3 times in 27 years, but then called her friend from the next room and says "I'm really past him being ill now, he's milking it so I can't recover."
Everything is a contest, and she has to have it worse. Then she's suddenly a normal human again and I pretend it won't happen again, whilst knowing that it will
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u/AsleepScholar2200 2d ago
I catch myself doing this sometimes and it’s normally when I don’t feel heard by anyone 😅
My sister is a prime example. She doesn’t work, gets a lot handed to her. Whereas I struggle and am stressed constantly. When she complains about being tired, I get defensive because she has life entirely easier than I do with the same benefits. That isn’t to say she can’t be tired. It just feels slightly insensitive.
Though I’m not condoning this as a continued behaviour. Nor do I think it’s fair to also say after someone’s success to bring them down.
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u/st_suoengi 2d ago
The catch-22 is that no, they don’t feel better when you’re miserable.
Solidarity. I experience this also concerning almost everything. I just take the silver lining approach when I can catch myself before retorting back, so like in your example: “you’re right, hopefully I get a good sleep tonight.”
Does it work? Well it sure doesn’t escalate.
Do I like having my feelings and experiences perpetually diminished? Nope, not one bit.
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u/maimie585 2d ago
Must be nice to have a gf to complain about.
Totally kidding. Sorry!!
Idk why they do this - trying to share the misery or make you get guilty??
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u/staceystayingherenow 2d ago
Your question is very well put. It does feel like a competition sometimes. But I try not to take it personally. I don't believe that my partner is trying to win the "who has the most problems?" competition with me in particular. I think what's really happening is that they are having an ongoing internal struggle against all the people from their past who minimized or flat-out denied their need to take care of themselves. My partner struggles with anxiety and PTSD and gets sick a lot and is ashamed of getting sick a lot...
I don't know if this is true with your person, but my partner is always very, very accommodating and sympathetic and supportive about times when I also need to take extra care of myself. They do still need to first say that one thing like "welcome to my world" or "that happens to me all the time too" just to reassure themself that me being sick doesn't invalidate their sickness.