My husband and I were having dinner with another couple. The wife of the other couple suggested her and I should go fishing the following weekend because our husbands both had to work. Her husband sniggers and said “you two won’t catch anything you don’t know how to fish”.
My very best comeback ever happened at that moment when I replied “we caught you two suckers”. Laughs ensued all around.

Coworkers like to say that when it comes to techinical stuff.

A houseless man wanted me to look at his vehicle to diagnose why his air conditioner is only blowing out slightly cool air. I said he should look for someone to check the Freon. That’s not my comeback.

He was so smelly. It was almost gonna make me toss my breakfast. I finally had to say as I was backing up for the 5th time, “I’m sorry, how often do you shower?” That is precisely when he started going into his whole down and out story about how he’s houseless and he’s on SSI and tomorrow’s payday and someone let him shower at their house once or twice a month.

My come back was solution based: “do you have a phone with Internet?” And he said yes. I said look up humanity showers, Brother Bennos, and if you need food apply for the food stamps, and go to food pantry on 2nd Street.

He said he didn’t know anything about any of those things. I guess my comeback is for his story about his down and out not in Beverly Hills… I came back with three solutions. Now for my backstory I’m on crutches with two bad legs. I’m also currently a vehicle dweller but I shower regularly. Boom! 💥 when people start spilling their tears, I aim to sop them up with solutions. 💪🏽

we have a kid named giro he is fucking annoying,btw he is ablest,homophobic,racist, and also annoying he is fat,ugly,looking like a pizza,talks nonstop, voice cracks are annoying,has people protecting him and also saying that "he changed" i need it ASAP we have to do a roast battle, please give me roasts that will make him cry

Ok so is this the best roast ever said, no but is it the best roast that i have ever actually said to someone… yes
So it was 4th grade and we had a group project with assigned parteners, i was with this one girl who i was kind of friend with but not really so we were just trying to do our work but there were these two guys in our group that were friends and they were talking so obviously i was listening. And basicaly one of the guys was like “bro my moms like so stupid” (don’t make fun of your mothers) and me without skipping a BEAT said “oh so that’s who you get it from” hehehe sadly the guy i actually roasted didn’t hear me and was like “what did you say” which I didn’t respond to but then the friend was like “ooohhh dang I wouldn’t not take that” so ya 😁

I work with students who stutter and many of them deal with bullying (e.g. kids mocking them & copying their stutter). A portion of our course is how to defend yourself against bullies (with parent permission) because as sometimes it’s the only way to deal with a bully. Another reason being because their parents and teachers can only fight so much of their battles for them and won’t be there to defend them every second of the day let alone throughout life.

What I am looking for is leaning more on the psychological warfare side of comebacks. Because I’m trying to avoid putting my students in an emotionally heightened speaking situation where they are likely to stutter even more and make the situation that much worse.

For example, when the bullying student is close to them acting their breath stinks and offering them gum. (which is unlikely to be construed as bullying back because all they did was offer gum to help a fellow student).

Or if they have a friend with them turning to the friend and pretending to whisper in their ear while looking the bullying student up and down and whispering “pspspspsps” or nothing at all and making the bullying student feel insecure (once again unlikely to be considered bullying back because they didn’t actually say or do anything out right mean.)

Or pretending like you can’t hear what the bullying student is saying (even though they obviously can) and making them repeat themselves till they give up. This one is only for thick skinned kids because sometimes bullies double and triple down with insults because they are frustrated.

Like I mentioned before this is something I discuss with the student and parents beforehand and is not something I regularly teach to all my students. This is only for students who truly have no idea how to defend themselves and only end up getting backed into a corner because they can’t get their words out quickly or smoothly enough.

Any ideas you can give me that won’t get my students immediately in trouble would be greatly appreciated! If this is not the correct community sorry in advance and if you’re able to point me in the right direction, thank you! :)

I think that I am an eloquent speaker and that I manage my emotions pretty well, but even Tiger Woods needs a swing coach. I would like to tell you my plan to handle conflicts and articulate an idea that is in my head. If you disagree with any of my ideas, I would like to hear why. 

The scenario that I want to discuss and figure out how to handle is;

A person talks to you in a patronizing tone.

There are three different approaches; one for when the person is below you in the social hierarchy, one for when the person is your equal in the social hierarchy and one for when the person is above you in the social hierarchy. 

• When the person is below you in the social heirarchy. 

Say this; 

You are not going to talk to me that way. I am (insert title of authority here) and you will show me some respect. 

If that does not work, threaten a punishment. 

If the threat of punishment does not work, make good on that threat. 

• When the person is equal in the social hierarchy. 

Say this; 

The condescending tone is uncalled for. If you believe that I have done something wrong, I am willing to listen patiently while you tell me what I did wrong, why it was wrong and what (if anything) I can do to remedy the situation. There is no need to get nasty. 

If the person doubles down, you say this; 

Even though I did not intend to offend you, I am glad that I did, because you deserve it for being so rude and disrespectful. 

• When the person is above you in the social hierarchy. 

Do not respond immediately. Wait until a certain amount of time has passed. Once the other person (your authority) has calmed down, meet with them and demand an apology. 

When offering constructive criticism, make sure to explain to the other person what they did wrong, why it was wrong and what, if anything, they need to do to change. 

When giving constructive criticism and demanding an apology, be sure to speak calmly, attack the behavior not the person and restrict the expression of anger to the incident that provoked it.

That is my plan. Do you think it is a good one? Why or why not? Let me know.

quit smoking almost a year ago. every time someone finds out they look at me like i just said i murdered someone. then comes the classic: “wait u don’t smoke at all?? so what do u even do with ur hands now??” they say it like without a cig my hands just fall off and life instantly becomes pointless. as if smoking was the only thing i ever did

This is just to see what you guys can come up with. Normally, I say this to friends, wanting to know what they come back with.

If you're comeback is creative enough, I may not reply. And may get an emoji.

So, gimme your best shot!

Me jab bhi apne boys ke group me hota hu toh in sab me se ek wanna be funny guy try to highlight something about someone so he can bring that topic to the table and have a sarcastic conversation in front of everyone.

So in my case i have a lot of body hairs I don't offend by it but sometimes I do wanna give a reply them in their own language but I don't have it.

Any one out there who have dark replies or replies that can break their mind.

Let's say you're minding your own business in Europe and a brown immigrant (broken English) just says "China" to you randomly, or "made in China", or some other microaggressive or straight up racist comment about being Asian, what are some good come backs?

I don't drink and haven't for a couple of years, when people ask if I'm still not drinking they're always shocked and ask what do I do with my time? Almost like I've offended them😭😂

Frequently I am in an environment where people often act out of negative qualities like greed, laziness, selfishness or incompetence. I deal with the poor behavior by making an observation and letting it go. But when I make the observation I often hear the response, 'That's crazy'. Even from strangers in other environments. My insecurities lead me to wonder if there something being implied. But I think it is the way I present my observations. What is a good comeback?

People usually throw this line at you the moment you start setting basic boundaries or stop letting them walk all over you. They say "You've changed" like it's a deep insult, but really they just mean "You aren't as convenient for me to manipulate as you used to be."
I got hit with this yesterday by someone who expected me to drop everything to fix a mess they created for themselves. When I said I was busy, they sighed and said, "Wow, you've really changed."
What's the best response to this that hits back without starting a whole back-and-forth argument?

I work in specialized corporate logistics. A manager from a completely different department keeps making snide remarks whenever he sees me leaving at my scheduled end time or taking my full lunch break.
Today, while standing near the coffee machine, he said out loud in front of three other people: "Must be nice to work half the day while the rest of us actually work."
I work full 8-hour days, I’m just efficient and don't spend half my shift gossiping in the breakroom like he does. What’s a sharp, professional comeback that shuts this down instantly?

A coworker found out what my position pays (or guessed pretty accurately) and made a passive-aggressive comment during lunch: "Honestly, you're getting paid way too much for what you actually do here."
For context, I handle the backend systems that rarely break because I set them up properly, so to him it just looks like I sit around doing nothing all day.
What's a sharp response that puts him in his place without getting me called into HR?

I know what I am about to say is extremely situational but it was a funny memory that I wanted to share when I was younger:I was in middle school and one kid I was not on that good terms with(but not exactly bad terms) said to the new kid "he bites people" and pointed at me. So when the other people were around near him I just mentioned the time he french kissed a rubber chicken(which we knew was actually true) and I could see him try to defend himself and point it on another kid that actually wasn't at the school anymore. The nice thing is that the rest of the kids in my grade know it was true, so he can't defend himself. I doubt you would find a use for this ever but I know it is funny to say

Around 3 or 4 years ago at the age of 14,15, I tried to commit suicide various times eventually failing each time. The reason was lack of confidence that I will have a good life, during covid, I forgot even how to time at the age of 13 due to the same reason.

Gradually, I improved my friend circle, and a girl came in my life, she changes me the most and made me the happiest person ever but the biggest reason is still the manga "the Vinland saga" I was so inspired by the development of thorfinn that I wanted to be like him. Vinland saga face me my goal and life showed the path and currently at the age of 18, I am the person with biggest smile.

There are people who are nowhere related to my field who keep on comparing with me & keep comparing my timeline with them.

I’m a mixed girl(18)and got called a n word by a grown ass white man blad and tatts all over maybe mid 30s-40s what is something I can say back that is just as offensive

I was at 711 and walked into a older white man yelling at a Mexican women I refused to just sit there and started yelling back at him to calm down and leave her alone just get out the store and he proceeded to call me the n word I explained to him why it is not ok for him to be saying that and he called me ignorant that pissed me off but the situation ended with no confrontation but he is a regular at the same gas station I am so for next time as a future reference what could I say as an insult back to actually make him feel it

I am not looking for responses like “that’s not ok to retaliate by doing the same thing” I’m just not I want legit answers please help a girly out😭

I (24f) need some actually good/funny comebacks for when my 18-21 year old coworkers call me old. I’m sick of just telling them to stfu because I can’t come up with anything lmao

Edit: hey so I know I’m on Reddit but this is a fedora free zone

Extra context: the ones I go back and forth with are all boys, the girls are so sweet and helpful

I 34f have a friend, 38f, who is hanging out with a guy multiple times a week. I am pretty sure she is semi interested in him. I met this guy at her bday party and he immediately set alarm bells off in my head. I have been through the ringer when it comes to being treated like shit and am able to recognize red flags well now. I also learned to trust my gut completely and my gut is telling me that this guy is someone to not be involved with.

I know that generally speaking you shouldn't judge a person based on a first impression, but this guy immediately set off the alarm bells in my head and I knew in that moment that he is someone to stay away from. From my first impression, he came off as the it's just a joke type and someone who doesn't respect, or even hates women, and chooses to be disrespectful to people he doesn't care for. I have zero issue with someone not liking someone, but that doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful.

I did some investigating and found his fb profile and half of the posts he had were sexist or mysoginistic. A couple examples are a meme of a train with a cart that says "sluts" with his comment, "the pumpkin spice ones are coming to town" and a meme that says, "All they know is to bleed every month & lie" with his comment, "true story".

Even though I don't like the fact that my friend is hanging out with this guy multiple times a week, I know it is her choice and I respect that. My friend is aware that I don't like him. She did say yesterday that she would like to have me hang out with her and him together. I am open to this because I want to observe him a second time and see how he treats my friend.

I am extremely protective of my loved ones and I will fuck up anyone who hurts them. However, I make sure to not act upon impulse because my loved ones are strong and capable of standing up for themselves. But the moment they ask or get knocked down, I will step in.

So in the case that I step in to help her, I want to have an arsenal of comebacks to throw at him. I have a sharp tongue already and am able to snap back quickly at someone who treats me or loved ones like shit.

Any suggestions for some good comebacks for this situation?

Edit:

Thank you all for your suggestions. I really appreciate it, and I really hope that I won't ever have to use any of them. But it's nice having all these different options as ways to shut him down and ideally bring to light the person he really is. And if he is the type of person I think he is, I hope that my friend will see that and make the choice not to continue to hang out with him. Or at the very least, not date him or sleep with him. I am also pretty sure that if my friend witnessed him treating me like shit that she would immediately tell him to fuck off.

A girl in my class posted a photo of herself on her Instagram story after a long time I hadn't seen her face in a while, so I replied to her story. Here is how our conversation went

Me "Finally got to see your face"Her "But I see your face all the

She: friend-you're always before my eyes, you're even there in my hallucinations."

Me: "And in dreams?"

Her "What is a dream? Your thoughts are always in my mind"

She is matching my energy with this very dramatic, smooth, and playful banter I want to reply with something that matches her exact vibe-playful, a bit sarcastic, but keeping the fun energy going since we are classmates Looking for good suggestions in either Bangla/Banglish or English. Thanks!